"Piece of crap laptop, always breaking when I need you the most..." "Ooh, free computer! ... Eew, wait, it requires proprietary parts to work!" "DAMN YOU, XING! DAMN YOU!" * * * * * Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 205 (Alternate, but it's gonna have to suffice) TODAY'S TERRIBLE TORTURE: "Memories" by Umisetsu * * * * * DISCLAIMER: I don't own the fic, Sailor Moon, Ranma, or MST3K. The author, Takeuchi-sama, Takahashi-san, and Best Brains do, however. This MSTing is offered as a humorous C&C on this piece, and if you're against it, or you don't like it, click the magic X button at the top right side of your screen. I assume no liability for mental scarring as a result of reading this. ^_^ Now, on with the (long-delayed) show! * * * * * In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere knee-deep in knick-knacks, The Senshi and Tuxedo Jack Get to kick back and relax! A freak accident with Prof. Tomoe (Who wishes he'd listened to more Perry Como) Gave the Senshi a fic-sending machine So they're giving in to their dark sides And deciding to be mean! (TOMOE: Not again!) (Setsuna) We'll send them crappy fanfics, (Rini) The worst we can find, (la la la) (Amy) They'll have to sit and read them all (Hotaru) And they'll slowly lose their minds! (la la la) (Jack) Now keep in mind we can't control Where the fanfics begin and end (wait, we can) They'll have to watch these godawful things With the Witches 5 and friends! EVIL GUY ROLL CALL! Souichi! (Kaolinite, is this your doing?) Kaolinite! (I won't fail you again!) Mimette! (Hunky!) Tellu! (That's one U!) If you're wondering how they'll all stay sane And other questions inane, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "They've already cracked, Now I need to calm down and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! *Twang* * * * * * (Scene: The bridge. The Senshi, Jack, Ranma, and Kodachi are sitting there, arguing. Setsuna notices the blue button flashing, and she turns to the camera.) SETSUNA: Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the Senshi no Eisei. We've had a rather relaxing time, thanks to the cameras shorting out, and as such, you've had no opportunity to see what happened to us! AMY: But as would be expected, Professor Tomoe reoutfitted the Eisei with a new suite of cameras... twice... and as such, we're back. MAGIC VOICE: Yeah, well, it's as if God's cursing this or something. Oh, and hey, you got a call. *The red button flashes and Hotaru taps it* (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: Morning, Taru-chan! (Icily) And lab rats. Are you ready for today's experiment? (SnE) HOTARU: No, daddy, and we'd rather you stopped sending these fics to us. JACK: Yeah, can't you send us B-grade science-fiction movies? SETSUNA: Or bad episodes of Cheers or MASH? RINI: Or pornos that have stories? SETSUNA: ... Small Lady, seriously... (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: ... (O)_(o) I don't remember her ever being like this when I knew her. KAOLINITE: The fic is loaded, Professor. (SnE) JACK: So what are you sending us today? (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: It's a grammatically correct fic with you all and Mamoru acting incredibly out of character and it reads like Ratliff mixed with Thinker crossed with a touch of Ludacris. Enjoy! *Hits the button* FIC-SENDING MACHINE: ... *Whirr* *Whirr* *Clunk-THUD* KAOLINITE: ... The hell? Nothing's happening. (SnE) AMY: ...Looks like the machine's broken. SETSUNA: And a new button's flashing on that console over there. AMY: What does it say? SETSUNA: It reads... "Fic Reversal - only use in extreme circumstances." RINI: O_o SETSUNA: *Presses the button, and a flash of light envelopes the bridge* Nani?!? AMI: What happened? And why's my name spelled differently? CHIBIUSA: And why am I no longer a dubbed version of myself? JACK: ... Looks like the machine had some side effects. *Sprouts a fluffy white tail and white dog ears* Oh, hell. HOTARU: At least you're not a nekoken! *Points to her new cat ears and neko tail, much like Fam from Ruin Explorers, but black instead of blond* JACK: You're still way too kawaii, though. Not that I'm complaining... HOTARU: And we've apparently gone into our original forms! JACK: ... But you and Setsuna were already in your original forms, like me... and now I'm stuck with Sesshoumaru's tail and ears! AMI: That means that the machine was meant to revert things back to subbed form, and since you three were already there, you got some extra features - maybe it's a director's cut of sorts. RANMA: An' I'm cursed still. Dammit! KODACHI: Oh, don't worry, Ranma-sama... it just makes nights more fun. Oh, hohohohoho! *A glass cracks* And speaking of fun, where's your slightly cracked father, Hotaru? (Mugen Gakuen) (Smoke is pouring from half the machines in Tomoe's lab, and he and Kaolinite are panicking) TOMOE: What did you do?!? KAOLINITE: They've activated some sort of device! It's changed them, made them more powerful... TOMOE: As if my daughter couldn't destroy the world as is. KAOLINITE: It's worse! The fic's been reflected at us! TOMOE: (Jimbo) Jesus Christ! It's coming right for us! (SnE) ALL: ... JACK: So, Tomoe-sensei... CHIBIUSA: It looks like... AMI: You've got to deal with... SETSUNA: The thing we hate the most... ALL: You've got FANFIC SIIIIGN! (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: Kaolinite! Get Viluy and the Twins to fix this! We've got to go defeat the fic before it wrecks our base! KAOLINITE: That, or get it into a containment field. TOMOE: Yes, but now, we've got FANFIC SIIIIGN! (Mugen Gakuen door sequence v.25) Door 6: A solid mahogany wall. Fortunately, Goemon appears and slices stright through it. Door 5: A fleet of Compaq technicians insisting that you use proprietary parts. You beat them to death with cables from custom-built computer systems and move on. Door 4: A pot of coffee from the Sailormoon S episode with the authoress youma. Tomoe picks it up and hands it to Kaolinite. Door 3: Xing and the fanfiction.net administrators. You watch JR flick them off and swear at them in eight languages thanks to their deletion of the MSMT3K series without allowing a backup. Door 2: A new (old) Compaq Presario 4504. You transfer your archive of target fics to the 2GB internal HD and begin the next episode. Door 1: A jar of ice. You open the lid and fall through into... (Scene: A previously unseen theater inside the Witches 5 laboratory. Seating order: Kaolinite, Professor Tomoe, Mimette.) TOMOE: ... Mimette, what are _you_ doing in here? *Sees a shounen-ai movie that was playing onscreen flick off* I see. MIMETTE: Erm, well... TOMOE: I'm not going to punish you this time. Instead, you're going to watch this fic with us. MIMETTE: What?!? Professor, couldn't you trap me in that TV like Tellu did? KAOLINITE: This is a more appropriate punishment. MIMETTE: But, Professor... *Puppy dog eyes* TOMOE: Not this time, Mimette. Eudial and Viluy are fixing the lab along with the twins, and Tellu's busy maintaining the Academy, so you get the honor. MIMETTE: Just great. >Memories TOMOE: Of a time outside this theater? >a Sailor Moon fanfiction by Umisetsu MIMETTE: Oh, yeah, that's that fic I found for you to send the senshi! How'd that turn out? KAOLINITE: ... Let me kill her, please! TOMOE: ... As much as I'd like to let you, she yet has a purpose with us. >It was a glorious November day. KAOLINITE: And then a hailstorm moved in, stoned the characters to death, and the fic ended. >All was calm and peaceful. KAOLINITE: And then a hailstorm moved... TOMOE: YOu've already done that. KAOLINITE: A girl can dream, can't she? MIMETTE: Some dreams would be better in reality. ... Mamo-chan... >There were birds singing, cicadas chirping, TOMOE: "Cicadas chirping?" Those things sound like a Daimon screaming. >and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. MIMETTE: And thanks to the depletion of the ozone layer, everyone outside was baked with radiation and promptly fried like metal in a microwave. TOMOE: And you know what that's like how? MIMETTE: Long story short, I put my pewter Jonah Arakyd figurine in the microwave in the lab. KAOLINITE: That explains the godawful smell. >As expected, the senshi were gathered for a joyous occasion; TOMOE: The final episode of the Sailor Moon Stars series? >Chiba Mamoru’s private funeral. KAOLINITE: That's in manga 1 or episode... what, 2 of Stars? MIMETTE: Don't forget the whole Starlight Tower incident! TOMOE: Oh, and watch out for the falling wall. KAOLINITE AND MIMETTE: Wall? *The Fourth Wall collapses, revealing JR, Nephrite, Gendo Ikari, and Sephiroth playing Risk. It soon restores itself* >Usagi and Rei were laughing and talking together, KAOLINITE: Well, there's the major shoujo-ai couple in this. MAGIC VOICE: For that pithy observation, you get no prize, you may not collect $200, and you may not pass Go. >to high spirited TOMOE: Turn right at Depressed and go up the interstate, pass the exits for Craptacular (©), Psychotic, and Bitchy, and then exit. >to fight on this day. MIMETTE: (Jay Sherman) Rocky VI, Texas Chainsaw Massacre IV. >Makoto was at the barbecue grill talking to Minako KAOLINITE: Nani? TOMOE: I thought the generally accepted pairing for Jupiter was Mercury. KAOLINITE: Though it may explain why Ami's perpetually cheerful and Setsuna's always got a mysterious grin. >while Ami and Setsuna were emerged in conversation about books. ALL: *Facefault* TOMOE: All of a sudden, I have the urge to read a Chris Davies story. >Haruka and Michiru had brought their instruments MIMETTE: ... No comment. *Blushes furiously* >and were playing a beautiful duet together with the keyboard and >violin MAGIC VOICE: Go read "Piano and Violin" on Fanfiction.net! Go read it! ALARM: Self-plug alert! *Klaxon* Self-plug alert! MAGIC VOICE: Yeah, well, bite me. >while Hotaru and Chibi-usa were playing make-out freeze tag >with each other. MIMETTE: Aw, how cute! KAOLINITE: It's not cute, it's disgustingly WAFFy. TOMOE: Well, if that's what my daughter chooses, I'll support her. >No one there could have been happier. TOMOE: But we could be happier. I could have their Sanity Crystals and I wouldn't have to watch this tripe. MIMETTE: What about me, professor? TOMOE: You've earned your punishment. >While she was talking, Ami pulled out her palm pilot >to make a note to read a book TOMOE: (Ami) How do you write hiragana on these things? Damn Americans, always acrewing up this stuff... >and saw a current news flash displaying on the screen. KAOLINITE: Even though it's _NOT CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET!_ >"Setsuna, look at this. You might be a little surprised." >"What is it Ami-chan?" MIMETTE: (Ami) The Three Lights are coming to town! *Squeals like a fangirl* TOMOE AND KAOLINITE: ... -_-' >Ami just pointed at the screen and smiled for some moments. KAOLINITE: (Moments) Your teeth need straightening. >According to the news report, TOMOE: Which was presented by a midget in a bikini. >Mamoru’s cause of death was a building fire. Of course all of >the senshi knew his real cause of death, but no one >wanted to talk about it. MIMETTE: Yeah, he ate Usagi's cooking one too many times. TOMOE: I swear, she must have taken lessons from Akane Tendou or something. KAOLINITE: Say what you will, those cookies in the shape of lips she made for Chibi-Usa to give to Hotaru were good. >Setsuna giggled and then kissed Ami. AMI: (Over P.A.) I'm not into that! I've got Urawa-kun! >"Isn’t life good?" ALL: No. >"It is now." ALL: No, it's not! >------------------------------------------------------------ TOMOE: ... That reminds me. Did I turn off the Daimon Oven before we sent them the fic? KAOLINITE: No, no, I don't think so. TOMOE: Great. Now we've got another mutation on our hands. KAOLINITE: I just hope it's not as bad as the first two accidents. MIMETTE: Accidents? TOMOE: Long story short, you know the two most insidious creations in history, Call Waiting and AOL? Those were made by two of our Daimons that were left in the Oven too long. MIMETTE: ... Oh, my. KAOLINITE: Dont go Kasumi Tendo on us. We need you to clean up the mess later. >Crystal Tokyo KAOLINITE: Has an excellent BGM in Sailor Moon: Another Story. TOMOE: Which I've ripped multiple times, but I can't seem to keep it on my hard drive. >"Isn’t it great to see them all so happy?" TOMOE: I'd rather see them reading bad fanfiction until they surrender their Sanity Crystals. >"Yes it is, my love." Said Serenity as she turned and gave Mars a >short, but sweet and tender kiss. MIMETTE: (Mr. Wyck) It loses its effectiveness without the nipple pinch. >------------------------------------------------------------ KAOLINITE: And now, Kiryuu Nanami will be rushed by an elephant! >Back in the present MIMETTE: The puppy peed itself, for Jim Dear hadn't housetrained it before giving it to Darling. >The senshi were all having so much fun they barely noticed it was >getting late. TOMOE: And vampires came down and killed them all, the end. >Haruka and Michiru offered to let Chibi-usa stay over >for the night and Usagi was glad to let her go. MIMETTE AND KAOLINITE: *Start humming cheesy 70's porno music* TOMOE: ... I'll thank you to remember who she's involved with. MIMETTE AND KAOLINITE: *Think, and then shut up* TOMOE: Smart move. >The other senshi walked off to their cars and took off to their homes. ALL: Wonder senshi powers, activate! KAOLINITE: (Usagi) Shape of... a pterodactyl~ TOMOE: (Chibi-Usa) Form of... *Mimette imitates an explosion* Crap! >As Ami and Setsuna drove off to their home they shared with >Haruka and Michiru, MIMETTE: Sounds like eight people are going to get some tonight. >neither spoke both TOMOE: Were oxymorons. MIMETTE: But neither of them had acne! TOMOE: ... Remind me why I let you in as one of the Witches 5? MIMETTE: (Seductively) You don't remember that hot, steamy night we had? *Naughty grin* KAOLINITE: *Starts fuming* TOMOE: *Glasses fog up and crack* Erm... that is... that never happened! KAOLINITE: Souichi... no... BAKA! *Pulls her Magnus's Staff out of Hammerspace and proceeds to beat up on Tomoe* >enjoying the pleasant silence and cool breeze. TOMOE: (Through a puffy lip) And they really loved the effect, since they were both naked. KAOLINITE: Do you want me to go Akane on you again? >Ami closed her eyes and lay her head back. KAOLINITE: Onto the chopping block. The executioner then dropped the axe and we were relieved of one more Senshi. AMI: (Over P.A.) I heard that! >This atmosphere reminded her of... TOMOE: Pluto, hopefully. MIMETTE: Why Pluto? TOMOE: There's no atmosphere. She'd be dead in a minute. >------------------------------------------------------------ MAGIC VOICE: (Over P.A.) It's the curb from Briar Forest and Dairy Ashford to Eldridge! >"I don’t know how I’m supposed to put this exactly Mizuno-san but, ALL: (Singing a la Elton John) Can you feel the love tonight... MIMETTE: *Points at the screen* Look, the word "sex" is floating by in the sky! >I-I’m in love with you. TOMOE: Oh, great, I'm having flashbacks to the DJ Fritz Cowboy Bebop music video... KAOLINITE: I didn't know you liked Kylie Minogue. TOMOE: I don't. >And before you say anything I just want you to know that I can’t >stop loving you KAOLINITE: If anyone sings the theme to "The Bodyguard" - and that includes you, Souichi-sama - they die. MIMETTE: *Pulls off a Dolly Parton wig* Aww... >even if you are angry with me and hate me and never want to talk to me >again. HOTARU: (Over P.A.) Daddy, this isn't a subtle hint, just in case you're wondering. >I would really understand if you nev---" MIMETTE: (Tuxedo Mask) "Love is the most beauURK!" TOMOE: That is the most obscure reference to a fanfic I have ever heard. KAOLINITE: Anyone going to make a Tamahome and Miaka reference? *Silence* Damn. I thought that Mimette would. MIMETTE: Fushigi Yuugi makes me cry. It's too sweet. >Ami pulled her into a tight embrace and gave her sweet kiss that cut KAOLINITE: A second smile across her throat, hopefully. I never forgave them for the Triangle Delta incident. >her off. This moment seemed to last forever until both remembered the >need for air. TOMOE: However, the kiss had lasted five minutes, and they were both dead on the ground courtesy of asphyxiation. >Ami blushed furiously and Setsuna just stood there. KAOLINITE: (Setsuna) Furiously, say something! Break the ice! >For the first time since the ice senshi had known the tanned woman, >Setsuna was dumbfounded. MIMETTE: She can't cast spells? Then she's useless in D&D. >"The truth is, I’ve always loved you Setsuna. I just never found the >words to tell you." TOMOE: (Ami) I looked in shops, in the malls, on eBay... no one had the words I needed! KAOLINITE: (Setsuna) Did you try the dictionary? >Ami said while looking down, too nervous to say anything else. EVERYONE: (Ami) Anything else. >The two stood in silence for some time both enjoying the pleasantness of >it and the cool breeze. MIMETTE: Which made them take fifty percent less damage versus heat magic. TOMOE: Weird. I thought that Viluy was the D&D maniac. >"Um….Ami-san?" >"Yes?" >"Will you be my g-g-girlfriend?" MIMETTE AND KAOLINITE: (Singing) If you wanna be my girlfriend, you gotta get with my friends... TOMOE: Actually, that was the whole point of "Usagi's Usual Morning." >Ami nodded and pulled Setsuna in for another kiss….. KAOLINITE: At which point Setsuna's octopus-like tentacles with suckers ripped Ami's lips off. >------------------------------------------------------------ MIMETTE: Hey, it's the Nielsen ratings for Dragonball Z! >"Ami-chan! Ami-chan! Are you still in there Ami-chan?" TOMOE: *Knocks on his seat arm* Nope, she's not there. Come back in an hour. >Setsuna said while waving her hand in front of the other woman’s face. KAOLINITE: Then Ami caught Setsuna's hand... and took a big bite out of it. MIMETTE: (Kaolla) What's a Setsuna? Does it taste good? >"Huh, what?" ALL: (Butthead) Huh huh, huh huh... >"Were home. MIMETTE: Were home here, we'd be home. TOMOE: But we're in a theater. MIMETTE: I dont want this to be home! >That party must have you really tired." >"Does anyone remember that that was supposed to be a funeral?" KAOLINITE: ... Did it turn into a lemon and not tell us? TOMOE: If it did, I'm grateful it didn't tell us. >"Probably not." >"Oh, oh well then." ALL: *Facefault* >Setsuna got out of the car and walked around to Ami’s side. TOMOE: *Imitates a smack and a thud* (Ami) Sorry, forgot about the car door. >"Come on, I’m a bit tired myself so lets get some sleep." ALL: ... TOMOE AND MIMETTE: Hubba hubba zoot zoot! KAOLINITE: *Sighs and whacks them both with her Magus' Staff* >The time senshi said as she opened Ami’s door for her. TOMOE: *Rubs a lump on his head* At which point Ami opened her door and knocked Setsuna out cold. >Both walked inside the house hand-in-hand, each wondering what >the other was thinking. MIMETTE: (Setsuna) I hate commercials. KAOLINITE: (Ami) Why doesn't it sound like my voice when I think out loud? >------------------------------------------------------------ TOMOE: Did we forget to turn off the laser communication device again, Mimette? MIMETTE: Sorry, professor, I was busy. TOMOE: I know, your shounen-ai movie. You'll be punished for that later. MIMETTE: But you said this was my punishment! TOMOE: I lied. >Usagi sighed as she closed her eyes. The cool breeze and beautiful >sunset were perfect from her spot under a large cherry tree in back of >the Hikawa temple. She tried to recall all the times she wasted such >beautiful scenery on Mamoru but came up short. KAOLINITE: And so the shop refused to sell her new scenery to use on Rei. >She had Rei now and that was all that mattered. MIMETTE: (Kasumi) Wai! I caught Rei! TOMOE: And how many people are actually going to understand that? MIMETTE: Maybe one. >"I brought you a soda." TOMOE: (Rei) Which I shook. *Snicker* >"Thanks." >"No prob." Rei said while handing Usagi the soda. She took a seat KAOLINITE: (Usagi) Stop, thief! >behind Usagi and idly ran her fingers through the soft blonde tresses. >"Whaddaya’ thinking about?" MIMETTE: (Usagi) Soft, fluffy bagels. KAOLINITE: (Rei) Damn you! You took my bagels! >"Nothing really. I was just thinking about how great it is that he’s >finally gone." TOMOE: Ah, Sailor StarS flashbacks. >"Yeah, I never did like him anyway." MIMETTE: Yeah, that whole time during the Nephrite arc that you dated didn't mean anything to you, eh? >"I’m being serious baka. I still can’t believe that he did that." KAOLINITE: ... If anyone even mentions _that_ lemon, I swear by Pharaoh 90 that I'll beat their heads in. >"Me neither, I knew he was a jerk but I didn’t think he’d take it that >far." TOMOE: He took it that far? KAOLINITE: He took it to the car. TOMOE: He took it to Mars? MIMETTE: He took it past the bar. TOMOE: Did he take it in a jar? KAOLINITE: Okay, that's quite enough of that. >------------------------------------------------------------ TOMOE: ... We've done everything conceivable with this line. Anyone got anything new? KAOLINITE: It's the number of fans Howard Stern thinks he has. >Two weeks earlier ALL: Ness and his men speed towards Capone's hideout! >"I told you already that I'm not in love with you anymore!!" Usagi >said as she stormed off. TOMOE: And here we come across another typical Seiya-Usagi scene. >"But why Bunny?! Our love is destined, just look to the future and it >will tell you." KAOLINITE: If we look to the future, we'll get all starry-eyed, and we'll slip and fall flat on our butts in the pile of bad fiction. >Usagi spun around and glared at him. "DAMMIT MAMORU!!! I told you >already that I don't love you anymore!! Rei is the one I love not you >so leave me alone and let me be happy!" MIMETTE: (Usagi) Rei gives me soft, fluffy bagels, and you never did! TOMOE: (Mamoru) No, but I gave you rock-hard buns and tons of long, hard baguettes! >"That faggot? Ha! You need a real man Usagi, not some dyke with a >strap-on." KAOLINITE AND MIMETTE: My old gym teacher? She was a real man. *They stare at each other and then turn away* >"WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!???" TOMOE: I said that rabbits eat lettuce. >"You heard me. You still love me and you know it, so don't let her >corrupt your mind anymore. KAOLINITE: Because then you might have to do an unscheduled format, and formats are bad. TOMOE: (Mackey) M'kay? >Your so innocent Bunny, she's no good for you." >Usagi lowered her voice to its deadliest register. MIMETTE: And this is the subbed version? *Tomoe nods* I can believe it, then. The DiC and Cloverway ones never could go past goofy. >"You are wrong. I never even loved you in the first place. And if >you ever insult Rei again I will fucking kill you. ALL: ... TOMOE: And to think that we complained about language before. EUDIAL: *Enters the theater via a PlotHole©* Dammit! *SPLAT* OW! TOMOE: I see that the warrior of the flames has arrived. Have Viluy and the twins finished repairing the systems yet? EUDIAL: Not quite. It'll be another few hours. A few of the hard drives got wrecked and we have to reinstall Windows ME. TOMOE: I thought we were using Linux! EUDIAL: You like your online gaming, right? Then don't complain. >And I will do everything in my power to do that. So get the hell out >of my site before I kill you were you stand." EUDIAL: (Usagi) Damn script kiddies love my Linux server for some reason. >Mamoru stood there in shocked silence as Usagi smacked him and stormed >away. He couldn't believe that Usagi had just spoken to him like that, >or hit him. TOMOE: (Lorenzo Music) Well, believe it. >He didn't even know that she knew those words. KAOLINITE: I'm surprised that she knows any words other than "rice balls" and "wai." >Were did he go wrong? EUDIAL: He went wrong when he didn't have someone read this fic. >He was the victim, it wasn't his fault that Rei had messed >with his Bunny's head. Like a hammer, an idea struck him. MIMETTE: Sempai, wouldn't that splatter his brains all over the sidewalk? EUDIAL: Don't carp. >If he couldn't have Usagi, no one could. He smiled evilly as a plan formed >in his mind. Rei was going to pay, and he was going to do everything >in his power to make sure of it. TOMOE: After all, he had to pay his insurance _somehow_, didn't he? *Stone silence* If Rei couldn't pay him his paycheck, he couldn't pay his insurance, and... *Still more silence* Philistines. >------------------------------------------------------------ ALL: (Joel, Crow, and Tom) SCENE CHANGE! SCEEEEEENCE CHAAAAAAAANGE! MAGIC VOICE: Oh, hell, I'm going to get my ass kicked by Megane... >Usagi sighed again and leaned against Rei. Deep down inside, a small >part of her was still missing Mamoru but she didn't dwell on that. EUDIAL: Probably becuase the rent was so high. >What was important was the here and now. Rei was with her and she had >Chibi-usa. Life couldn't get better. ALL: Yes, it could! TOMOE: We could be out of here! EUDIAL: I could be driving! MIMETTE: I could have a hunk next to me! TOMOE: What, don't I qualify? MIMETTE: -_-'' >Rei put her arms around Usagi and snuggled closer to the blonde. >It was moments like these that made her heart pound and her blood >thunder in her ears. KAOLINITE: That'd be an interesting power for a Daimon. Shall I make one like that after the fic, Souichi-sama? TOMOE: By all means. >She couldn't help but think back to the day that made Mamoru's funeral >one of the most joyous occasions that ever happened... MIMETTE: Didn't the Nekomi Tech band come and play? EUDIAL: And they got an air show courtesy of Tendou Mallet Airlines and NaruPunch Incorporated. >------------------------------------------------------------ KAOLINITE: And a HP Laserjet 4800 can print 16 pages a minute. Whoopdy-doo. >"See you tomorrow Akemi!" Rei said as her friend turned off in the >opposite direction. It was finally Friday and she could enjoy a >peaceful weekend with her girlfriend. Or that is what she thought. TOMOE: *Thunderclap* For the end of school brings the beginning of DOOM! Bwahahahaha! >"Rei, may I talk to you for a minute?" Rei turned around and saw >Mamoru standing by the front gate at her school. TOMOE: BWAHAHAHAHA! KAOLINITE: Oh, shut up. >"What do you want Mamoru?" EUDIAL: (Mamoru, sexy) You. *Starts humming cheap porno music* >Rei said in an annoyed tone. Usagi had appeared at the shrine the >previous night crying and told Rei about what had happened. MIMETTE: (Usagi, teary) He... he took my... BAGELS! BWAAAAH! >She told Usagi that she would do everything she could to protect >her from him. KAOLINITE: She'll even remove the proper nouns from a sentence if that's what it takes! >"I just want to talk to you." >"Well I don’t so why don’t just leave me alone?" >"I’m afraid I can’t do that." TOMOE: That's an interesting concept. MAMORU 9000... A schizophrenic bishounen computer system. EUDIAL: We thought of that for the systems, but we decided that the fangirl over there would spend too much time playing with the monitors. >"Nani?" >"You heard me bitch." He sneered at her through clenched teeth. >Rei walked up and slapped him. "You will never address me by that." KAOLINITE: (Naga) You will call me QUEEN! *Evil Bitch Laugh* >Mamoru laughed and grabbed her arm, shaking her hard. "You know, you >really should leave her alone and find yourself another bitch. Usagi >is innocent, sweet, and mine so just give up." TOMOE: (Mamoru, badly dubbed) Besides, you cannot beat my kung fu! My kung fu is the best! >"You are wrong, Usagi is mine and you just can’t handle that. Be a man >and grow up Mamoru, she never even loved you anyway so just give up >and move on." MIMETTE: (Rei, even more badly dubbed) Hah! My jujitsu is better! You cannot overpower my jujitsu, for it is my master's jujitsu and my master is the master of his jujitsu! >Mamoru slapped Rei as hard as he could. EUDIAL: And thus started a catfight that went through the ages. *Everyone else looks at Eudial* What? >"Don’t talk to me like that. I know that she loves me so I’m going >to make you pay for taking her away." TOMOE: And with a roar, Mamoru transformed into... SUPER MAMORU, the chauvinistic homophobe with a lust for violence! EUDIAL: You don't know how right you are about how wrong that is. >Rei reached into her pocket and pushed the button on her communicator >so that it would contact Usagi immediately. Mamoru had gone out of his >head and she had a feeling that this wasn’t going to end well. KAOLINITE: *Hums the Mission: Impossible theme* >"Were going." TOMOE: To grammar school, hopefully. >"Hell no. I’m not going anywhere with you." MIMETTE: Care to bet on that? >Mamoru just laughed and slapped her again. "Come on bitch." He said as >he started dragging her along with him. EUDIAL: ...Oh my God, he killed Rei. MIMETTE: (Flat) You bastard. (Normal) Is the fic over yet? TOMOE: Don't we wish. *The doors open, and Viluy stumbles in and passes out* ... I think that that means that the system's fixed. *Exit all* (Reverse door sequence) (Scene: Mugen Gakuen. Viluy's still passed out on the floor, and Tomoe and Kaolinite are talking to Cyprine and Pucherol.) TOMOE: So the sending device is fixed? CYPRINE: Yes, Professor. TOMOE: Excellent. Let's page them, shall we? *Hits the red button* (Scene: SnE. The Senshi are partying, and even Hotaru's got on a party hat to celebrate the "no-fic-day." They see the red button flash...) SETSUNA: ... Did that thing just do what I thought it did? HOTARU: I hope not. JACK: There's no way they could have repaired the damage! AMI: I suppose we'd better go ride this one out. JACK: Why? It's not like they make us listen to Morning Musume or anything. *Lights flash, klaxons blare, you know the drill* ALL: Aw, we've got FANFIC SIIIIGN! (Door sequence 25.2) Door 6: Standard-issue eisei dogbone door. Door 5: A new Dell Optiplex GX240. You kick it in the electronic crotch-equivalent and watch it crash, thus letting you through. Door 4: Haruka singing "U no Mouji." You listen to her, then jump in the Ferrari and tear off to... Door 3: The solar eclipse from "Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow." You watch Genya and Soma battle to save Mina, and then escape to... Door 2: The Project A-Konami site. A stained-glass window breaks and you pass through the shards to... Door 1: JR. He quickly punts you into the theater and sets about fixing the Fourth Wall. (Scene: SnE theater. Seating order from left to right: Hotaru, Jack, Setsuna, Ami Chibiusa.) JACK: Dammit, I thought that the device reversed the fic! AMI: It did, but they must have fixed their computers. CHIBIUSA: Looks like we're stuck again, minna-chan. >"Help me someone!" Rei shouted as Mamoru shoved her into his car >trunk. Rei would’ve transformed but she couldn’t risk it in public. CHIBIUSA: Have we walked into "Countess Chronicles?" >Mamoru closed the trunk and got into the front seat. As he pulled off, >he failed to notice the blonde running after him yelling stop. Usagi >ran into a small dark alley a few feet away from the school and >transformed into Sailor moon. SETSUNA: Not noticing the big banner that said "Ataru Moroboshi on duty in this alley 24/7." JACK: (Ataru) Hey, babe! HOTARU: (Lum) Darling... no baka! DIVINE RETRIBUTION! >She took out her communicator and notified the rest of the senshi that Rei was in >trouble and then leapt onto the nearest rooftop. AMI: Using the awesome power of the Moon Run-on Sentence! CHIBIUSA: Are you using the Mercury Incomplete Sentence? >She looked at her communicator to see were Mamoru was heading HOTARU: But he's heading towards the future! He can't be in the past! But wait! He's in the present! My god, I can't take the time warps! SETSUNA: You're not built to handle them like I am. *Smirk* >and raced amongst the rooftops after them until she found herself at a small >abandoned warehouse. JACK: Ah, yes, the immortal "evil guy uses the empty warehouse as his base" cliche. Almost reminds me of that time Zoisite's youma used a warehouse to store Naru. >She jumped down and heard a scream of pain coming from the inside. >Usagi kicked in the door and saw a site that made her quiver ALL: ... CHIBIUSA: Okay, we have most definitely gotten "Countess Chronicles" as retribution for the incident with the fic deflector. >with anger. Rei was on the floor, a puddle of blood surrounding her, JACK: (Singing) She f(BLEEP)ckin' hates me! *THWAP* SETSUNA: Language! >with Mamoru yelling insults and hitting her repeatedly. SETSUNA: We've secretly replaced Mamoru with John MacEnroe. Let's see if Usagi notices the difference. >"Had enough bitch?! Ready to give up on my Usagi?" HOTARU: (Rei) NO! I... want my... hassenpfeffer! >"Hell no!! She’s mine!’ Rei said as a boot connected with her >midsection. AMI: At 28.8 kilobytes per second? It's like Mamoru's wearing AOL brand boots. >"STOP!!" yelled Sailor Moon. >Mamoru turned and smiled cruelly. "We were just discussing you." >"Leave her alone!!" >"Why should I? JACK: (Usagi) Because I'll never do that dance you like again! HOTARU: (Mamoru) No! Not the Hamster Dance! >She refuses to give up on you so if I can’t have you, >no one can." He stated matter-of-factly as he kicked Rei again. CHIBIUSA: (Rei) Looks like Team Rei-ket is blasting off again! *PING* SETSUNA: Tux Tux BOOT TO THE HEAD! *Kicks Jack in the head, and he flies out of the theater.* The HELL? AMI: Wonder where he went? (Scene: Kodachi's suite. She and Ranma are in the jacuzzi.) KODACHI: Those poor fools have to watch the fic and we're relaxing here. Isn't it wonderful, Ranma-sama? RANMA: Yeah, it is. *Smirks. A slight scream is heard* The... *Jack slams through the wall and splashes into the jacuzzi, with his face landing right in Kodachi's... erm... cleavage. He stands up with a nosebleed* KODACHI: ... BAKA! *Kicks Jack back into the theater* >"She will always be mine." Rei said and coughed up a little blood. JAC:K AAAAAAH! *THUD* *Jack lands in his seat, head first, and lets a little drop of blood fall out of his nostril.* HOTARU: Had a nice flight? JACK: Kill... me. *Passes out* >"Shut up bitch!!" He scream as he punched her in the face. HOTARU: Shut up. CHIBIUSA: What? HOTARU: Shut up! CHIBIUSA: No, you shut up! HOTARU: Hit me. CHIBIUSA: I will not! HOTARU: Shut up. CHIBIUSA: No, you shut up! *Hits Hotaru in her arm* >Just as Sailor Moon was about to do something, the other senshi >appeared and were horrified to see Rei in that position. CHIBIUSA: Especially Ami, since it reeks of... OTHERS: We know! >"Moon Crisis Heal-" >"Sailor Moon, NO!!!" All the senshi said in unison, stopping her >attack. SETSUNA: If he dies, we lose half the show! No more pointless speeches! No more convenient escapes! And no more studmuffin to ogle! OTHERS: O_o SETSUNA: *Blushes* Whoops. JACK: *Wakes up* Hoo-boy, I feel like Keitaro... >"What?! I want this bastard dead, now!" >"We all do too but he is a person, not a youma!" Ami said regretfully. >"Tuxedo star power, MAKE UP!!" Mamoru yelled. ALL: *Burst out laughing* SETSUNA: (Between laughs) "Tuxedo star power?" CHIBIUSA: That's about as likely as Haruka dressing in women's clothes! >Suddenly, the room was filled with a bright light. Mamoru spun around a few times striking >various poses and his clothes faded into a tuxedo. His hair grew long >as make-up appeared on his face then shortened again. He spun again >and his shades materialized on. He struck a few more poses and his top >hat and a rose appeared. He struck his final pose and was done. HOTARU: And here we have the requisite 30-second henshin scene for each episode. >The senshi just stood there with their mouths hanging open. JACK: From the utter stupidity of the scene. >They had never seen tuxedo kamen transform and now that they did, >they weren’t sure if it was good or bad. AMI: Except for Usagi at the Starlight Tower. SETSUNA: And at the ampitheater when he met with the Outer Senshi. >"So Sailor Moon, you and your faggot patrol want to stop me?" HOTARU: Now Joe Camel's got a sidekick? Since when have the British cigarette companies become involved in anime? >All of the senshi paused at hearing this. Since when had Mamoru become >so…..vindictive? AMI: The same day Fanfiction.net banned MSTs, methinks. >"LET ME KILL HIM!!!" >"No sailor moon! Let me." Makoto said as she took a step forward. >"I wouldn’t want him to have the satisfaction of letting someone else >do it." >"Go ahead, let her kill me. Not like it’ll do anything, your soul will >still belong to me." SETSUNA: For you have sold your soul for revenge, and though you die, la Resistance lives... HOTARU: On? SETSUNA: Yes, thank you. >"DAMMIT, I’M KILLING HIM NO MATTER WHAT YOU ALL SAY!!" Usagi yelled. >"MOON SPIRAL HEART ATTACK!!" >Mamoru’s eyes widened as the attack started to incinerate him. Before >it killed him completely, the attack stopped and he collapsed onto the >ground. JACK: (Mamoru) I'm not quite dead yet! SETSUNA: He's getting better! >"W-why’d you stop? Did you realize you still love me?" Mamoru choked >out. CHIBIUSA: Nope, we're just going to use a cheap plot contrivance here to end the fic. >"Hell no, I’m just gonna let Mars do it." >Mamoru stared in horror at the site of sailor Mars. She must have >transformed while he was being hit by the attack. HOTARU: You're good at that, Chibi-chan. CHIBIUSA: Meh, I do what I can. >"So, your gonna kill me, huh? I never thought that I would be killed >by a dyke." Mamoru said while coughing up some blood. Mamoru pulled a >rose out of his jacket pocket and threw it at Mars, but much to his >surprise, she caught it and threw it down. AMI: So Rei is Tuxedo Mars? >"I will send you to hell with my flames." Mars said, her voice as hard >as steel. JACK: I can think of a few other things that are harder than steel right now! SETSUNA: HENTAI! Puu Puu BOOT TO THE HEAD! *Kicks Jack so hard that he bounces off the theater walls* JACK: *Unfazed* (While flying) Diamonds, titanium, burned brownies... *Lands, and coughs* Ouch. I think I've broken something. *Twists his arm* Nope, I'm okay! >"MARS FLAME SNIPER!" AMI: <= =>B! <= =>B! SETSUNA: Have you been playing the SuperS fighting game again? >Mamoru tried to yell something but was drowned out by the sound of >flames engulfing his body. At this, Mars collapsed into Sailor Moons >arms, no longer able to keep upright. SETSUNA: Don't even say it. JACK: Wasn't going to. >"We need to get you to a hospital." Usagi said as she de-transformed >and picked up Rei who had passed out. HOTARU: And she can carry 99 of any item, no matter the size or bulk! >Ami came forward and assessed Rei’s injuries. "We must hurry, she may >have a concussion." AMI: This fic may be retarded. We need a pre-reader. >The other senshi de-transformed and Makoto took Rei from Usagi. As >they walked off, Usagi took a look back at the charred remains of >Chiba Mamoru in the now burning building then kept on walking into a >new future with the one she loved. CHIBIUSA: Thus nulling my existence and creating another pointless timeline. *Begins to fade, a la Tenchi In Love* The HELL?!? AMI: Don't worry. We've got a Fic Anti-Interactivity Device around here somewhere... HOTARU: You mean the thing we used back with Sailor Sugar's fic? Hate breaking it to you, but it shorted out after the Menial Task Machine. CHIBIUSA: Looks like I'm screwed, then. *Fades back in* Okay... JACK: I think that the anti-teleport thingy kicked in. CHIBIUSA: Huh. I guess Beryl did do something useful after all! >------------------------------------------------------------ CHIBIUSA: It's the intelligence quotient of a Gamingforce newbie! >Usagi shuddered and a single tear slid down her face. Rei wiped it >away and pulled the other girl closer to her. >"What’s wrong Odango-chan?" >"I was just thinking about that day. I’m so sorry." >"You have nothing to be sorry for. It was his fault from the >beginning." JACK: *Hums the techno remix of Beginning* >"Oh Rei." Usagi choked out before she broke down into tears. HOTARU: Oh, Tamahome! CHIBIUSA: Miaka! HOTARU: Tamahome! CHIBIUSA: Miaka! SETSUNA: Nuriko! AMI: Hotohori! JACK: ... Enough, m'kay? >"It’s okay Bunny." Rei whispered into the other girl’s ear and hugged >her tightly. >"I made a promise to you that everything would be alright and I intend >to keep it. Please don’t cry Usagi." JACK: But crying lets the boo-hoos out! >Usagi’s crying slowed eventually and she leaned into Rei’s embrace. >She knew that what the fire senshi was saying was true and that she >didn’t have to worry. Everything was going to be fine from now on. HOTARU: (Metallic voice) For Usagi had gathered her soft fluffy bagels, her round, round rolls, and her long, hard baguettes. (Normal) What was that? JACK: ... o_o I'm scared now. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ALL: The Sailor Senshi win! AMI: Again. CHIBIUSA: I've got to go to the bathroom... SETSUNA: Just hold it, Small Lady. We'll be out of here soon enough. HOTARU: And what about these neko ears and tail? JACK: Yeah. I don't mind the white hair and ears, but the tail I've got is too much. >Back to Sailor Moon Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction HOTARU: How about back out of the theater? *Exit all* (Reverse door sequence) (Scene: Bridge. Everyone's there, including a wet Ranma and Kodachi in a towel.) KODACHI: And so? AMI: I think we should explore the Eisei more carefully. If the fic bouncer did this to us, there might be something even worse that we need to know about that we can use. HOTARU: Or something that can fix us! JACK: Don't worry, Taru-chan, you're even more kawaii now. HOTARU: And since _WHEN_ was I not kawaii? CHIBIUSA: Oh, boy, Tamahome and Miaka are calling. *Hits the red button* (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: So, did you enjoy the fic? KAOLINITE: And I hope it went down hard. (SnE) AMI: It wasn't that bad, aside from the grammatical errors, the run-ons... and the horrendously OOC Senshi. HOTARU: Daddy, why are you doing this? (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: I want their Sanity Crystals, Taru-chan, so I can bring back Mistress 9 and Pharaoh 90 and rule over this planet! (SnE) HOTARU: I was Mistress 9, daddy, and I'm not going back to being her. (Mugen Gakuen) KAOLINITE: Don't you see? You already are. The longer hair, the metallic voice, and the child... The child is the key to it all. (SnE) JACK: WHAT? (Mugen Gakuen) KAOLINITE: Oh, dear, I've said too much. Oh, well, until next time... *Hits the button* (SnE) JACK: Waitaminute, you bastard! The hell do you mean, the child is the key? (FWOOSH) \ | / \ | / \ | / ----0---- / | \ / | \ / | \ * * * * * AUTHOR'S NOTES Jesus, I'm sorry for the delay in putting this out, and I'm not going to offer an excuse. All I'm going to say is this... Laptops suck. I'm never buying a laptop again. Instead, I'm getting a good desktop machine that doesn't crash too often and I'm putting in my laptop's old HD, so I can access my fiction library and my MP3 collection. However, I got a Compaq Presario 4504 for free (not counting the monitor), so... Anyways, that's exclusively a fiction machine now. I've mirrored the RAAC server on it, and it's only going to be used for MSTing and fiction. Anything else goes to my school Zip disks. And from now on, I'm keeping backups. >_< BAD WINDOWS! BAD! Secondly, I'm posting full MSTs only to my site now. That piece of crap FFN wiped all of the others on that site, so they only get host segments. Still, though, leave reviews for the MSTs there, so I can see what you think. I'll be posting the retrofitted MSTs as soon as I can upload to them again. But now to a political soapbox. Microsoft Palladium = no more MP3 trading. MP3 trading = good. Microsoft = crap on a bun. Palladium = a quick fix made by people who couldn't design good software in the first place. So, to sum it up, don't buy new Microsoft stuff until they agree to remove Palladium and all DRM stuff. For more info on this, go to Slashdot and read their threads. Finally, a shameless plug for you! Project A-Konami, my doujinshi group, is putting out a new Castlevania game around July, and we've got a preliminary website up to showcase it. The URL is: www.angelfire.com/rnb/akonami Yes, go there, marvel in the graphics I make, hack it if you want, and then read the MSTs. ^_^'' Lady Kat, don't think I've forgotten about your guesting. ^_^ You're showing up next episode. Episode 206 will be another piece by TrueC! After that... well, who knows? ^_^'' I need stuff to fill my queue until I hook up my laptop's HD, at which point I can restore the stuff I was going to MST. And so, ja ne! Tuxedo Jack * * * * * Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 1 Episode 101: Sailor Moon Meets Seinfeld Episode 102: Poke-Sailors Episode 103: Sailor Moon: Reduz Episode 104: Whimsical Sailor Street Episode 105: Reunions (Part 1) Episode 106: That's What A Tail's Good For (Lemon) Episode 107: *LOST EPISODE* Episode 108: Identity Crisis Episode 109: Fit to be Tied -or- A Tail of Ten Kitties (Lemon; co-MSTed with Tuxedo Alex) Episode 110: A Crystal-Clear Destiny Season 2 Episode 111: A Trio of Harry Potter Fics Episode 112: Hermione Granger, Hanson Hater Episode 113: Lemon Wing: Heero and Relena (Lemon) Episode 114: The Menial Task Machine (Part 1) Episode 115: Quit Pining Over Ifurita! (Lemon) Episode 116: Five Fics by Sailor Janus Episode 117: Humans, Digimon, and Hormones (Lemon) Episode 118: Reunions (Parts 2 and 3) Episode 119: A Very Special Jerry Springer Episode 120: The New Goddess -and- Memorial Day Episode 120.5: Those Who Dare... Season 3 Episode 200.-5: Pointless Tripe Episode 201: The Story of the Yaoi Monkey Episode 201.A: The Story of the Yaoi Monkey (alternate version. Long story, don't ask.) Episode 202: Jessie's Pair Episode 203: Too Long for the Treehouse of Horror (Part 1) Episode 204: A Clear Path Through the Storm (Prologue) Episode 205: Memories Episode 206: A Clear Path Through the Storm (Part 1) Special Episodes Episode 104.5: Holo-crap Episode 107.5: Just the Moon Princess Episode 119.5: G-Boys go Miniature Golfing! (Special cast) C&C to Tuxedojack@juno.com Spam and flames to roundfile@trashcan.org STINGER: "Tuxedo star power, MAKE UP!!" Mamoru yelled.