"Items used in battle are items!" - Daravon, Final Fantasy Tactics ************************************************************************************ Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 304 TODAY'S TERRIBLE TRIPE: "The Eye of the Storm: Prologue" by TrueC ************************************************************************************ I'M DAMN WELL SICK OF DOING ENGLISH III WORK WHEN I'M TAKING ENGLISH IV: All Sailor Moon characters are the property of Takeuchi-sama. All Ranma 1/2 characters are the peoperty of Takahashi-san. Tuxedo Jack is mine, no da. The fic riffed herein is the property of TrueC, and he's welcome to it. MST3K is the property of Best Brains. I'm making no money from this, please don't sue me, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. The insult I use herein - the _big_ insult - it's borrowed, with apologies, from "Kasumi the Biker Slut" by Trisha L. Sebastian. Go read it. It's funny as hell. ************************************************************************************ In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere out deep in space, The Senshi and Ranma Saotome Are trapped in an endless chase! They've been traced by the Death Busters (One of whom wants to fly a crop duster) They want the Senshi's Sanity Crystals So they'll send them cheesy fanfics Most of which are quite awful! (Hotaru: What... the... hell!) (Hotaru) They'll send us cheesy fanfics, (Rini) The worst there can be, (la la la) (Amy) We'll have to sit and watch them all (Setsuna) And try to keep our sanity! (la la la) (Tomoe) Now keep in mind they can't control Where the fanfic begins or ends, (la la la) We'll take their Crystals and their minds So a padded cell they'll find! Senshi Roll Call! Setsuna! (EVA-01, hassin!) Hotaru! (DADDY?!?) Teenage Rini! (Don't forget your toothbrush!) Amy! (Do you have any Grey Poupon?) (Jack) So if you're wondering how they eat and sleep, And other science facts, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a fic, I need to sit back and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! (Twang) ************************************************************************************ (Scene: The black room. JR is there, and he's swearing profusely.) JR: Damn... kuso... BOLT 16, MUTHA-FUGGA! *Rei enters with Nephrite* Bastard... "B*(*&(*^YOU$$^&Y&(&&^^IN&(*&&^$$ICEPICK^^%&^#$%^$&^(*&^$%^$&^BADGERPISS!" REI: ... NEPHRITE: Damn, man, what happened? Did you overdose on Marshmallow Peeps again? JR: No, crap-f(BLEEP)ckin'-dammit! REI: Then did you get banned from the school network again? JR: Not quite. NEPHRITE: Then what the hell is it? You haven't sworn like that since the time you found Koenma getting drunk off your stash of Corellian brandy! JR: Xing's banning MSTings on Fanfiction dot net! REI: ... And what does that mean? JR: It means that I'll have to build _another_ damn web site to show the people MSMT3K... NEPHRITE: Hey, you still have that Angelfire site. JR: Yeah, but they put in restrictions on bandwidth. REI: *Cocks an eyebrow* Not like you have anything to worry about... JR: (Dryly) Thanks. Thanks a _lot_. *Hits the button* ************************************************************************************ (Scene: The bridge of the Senshi no Eisei. As usual, nothing's going on... but then Jack wanders in. He's got a very troubled look on his face.) JACK: Why, oh, why did she have to find out that Souichi's this season's villain _now_? *Notices the red button flashing* Aw, screw him. *Taps the yellow button instead* ************************************************************************************ ANNOUNCER: New this season on Fox - Greg the Bunny! GREG: *Is revealed to be a 40-year-old fat guy in a Playboy Bunny suit* Hey, leave me the hell out of this! Why'd you pick me, anyway? *Shakes his butt, which causes his fat to jiggle* ANNOUNCER: 7 PM on Wednesdays on your local Fox channel. Watch it, or they'll have me shot... ************************************************************************************ JACK: ... Magic Voice, did Fox really come up with that? MAGIC VOICE: I ain't saying. *The speaker shudders* All I'm gonna say is that "Greg The Bunny" is utterly twisted. JACK: ... You're scaring the hell outta me. RANMA: *Runs in, her eyes shining, and her breath coming in gasps* You gotta hide me, Jack! JACK: ... Kodachi's been defining "pleasure" again, ne? RANMA: You wouldn't believe me if I told you... JACK: ... Try me. RANMA: It involves a dictionary, a bubble bath, and a bottle of champagne. JACK: o_o... I really didn't want to know this. RANMA: It's... odd... *Kodachi's laugh echoes through the bridge* Oh, merciful God, NO! *Runs off* JACK: ... This is getting really screwy of late. *Hits the red button* Maybe this will restore some normalcy. (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: Good morning, bishounen! KAOLINITE: And where's my little Taru-chan today? (SnE) JACK: *Facefault* She's off doing her daily exercises and taking some meds. (Mugen Gakuen) KAOLINITE: I thought I weaned her off the Ritalin... TOMOE: ... Kaoli-chan, she was never on Ritalin. That was Mimette. KAOLINITE: Oh, yes. Did I wean her off of the speed? TOMOE: Eudial. KAOLINITE: Drat. Umm... how about the cyber-porn? TOMOE: ... Not even gonna ask, but I thought that that was Viluy. KAOLINITE: And I suppose that I got Tellu off the marijuana and Cyprine and Pucherol off their schizophrenia drugs? TOMOE: ... I really didn't want to know about that. (SnE) JACK: ... That explains a lot about you people. A _lot_. (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: Oh, be quiet, peasant. (SnE) JACK: Deal, if you don't send us a fic today. (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: Oh, but that would disappoint our precious viewers! And to think that I'd almost forgotten... KAOLINITE: Anyways, your fic today is a relatively short one called "A Clear Path Through the Storm". I rather think you'll like it... TOMOE: You know what to do, Kaolinite. KAOLINITE: Indeed I do, Souichi-sama! *Hits the button* (SnE) JACK: But no one's here! I'll have to watch it myself! (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: Oh, don't worry about that. My new tortilla-powered teleporter will take two people into the theater with you. NOW GET IN THERE! (SnE) JACK: Aw, crap, I've got FANFIC SIIIIIIGN! (Door sequence 24.1) Door 6: Standard-issue eisei dogbone door. Door 5: It's Tohya! She collapses on the tile floor in front of you. Door 4: Who's that Poke-door? ... Well, someone take a guess! Door 3: An English textbook. It spontaneously combusts. Door 2: A talking Chocobo. It says that he hates you and wants you to die, then looks evil and warks innocently. Door 1: It's Thief! He steals everything you've got on you - including your clothes - then returns them when he sees you naked. (Scene: Theater. Seating order from left to right: Setsuna, Jack, Amy. Setsuna and Amy are dressed in nightwear, as it's 7:30 ship's time and no one usually gets up that early... not that they have any good reason to.) SETSUNA: *Snores* AMY: *Shakes herself awake* Mommy, I was having the best dream... I was on Sendai Hill, and Urawa-kun kissed me... JACK: So, it _is_ Urawa-kun you're interested in? Alex is going to be disappointed. AMY: *Sweatdrop* Who a lady likes is none of your business. Why're we here? JACK: Goten and Trunks sent us a fic. Don't worry, they said it's short, so you can go back to bed. AMY: Good. *Shakes Setsuna awake* Wake up. We're not going through this without you. SETSUNA: Oh, I feel so priviliged. >A Clear Path Through the Storm JACK: (Lisa) No, wait! It's just the _eye_ of the hurricane! >Prologue: Dimensional ALL: ... AMY: Have we been Sabanized this early? SETSUNA: I wILl sEnD yoU TO aNotHeR DiMensIoN! >Guardian Atokin SETSUNA: (Deep voice) The guardian of the butter dish. >In a vast darkness a man stands. AMY: This reads like something voiced by Frank Oz. >The man himself is unusual. JACK: For he enjoys wombat-smoked herring. >His armor makes him look like a JACK: Sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania! SETSUNA: ... Jack, did you get into something again? JACK: I don't think so, why? >man-sized version of a Gundam, AMY: Ooh, chibi-Sandrock... >without the head part. SETSUNA: Yeah. And does anyone notice that this is the second time we three have had to do a fic by ourselves? AMY: She's right, and that hadn't happened since Poke-Sailors. JACK: Nostalgia will get us nowhere. Keep reading. >But what is more unusual is what is around him. AMY: The entire cast of "Friends" in an orgy. SETSUNA: AMY! JACK: And you were "on a break", too... *Laugh* >Swirling through the darkness are lines of light, JACK: The Galactic Leyline! No! >beginning at one end as a bright white, SETSUNA: Light shining at the Frankenstein place. AMY: There's a light burning in the fireplace. SETSUNA: There's a light shining at the Frankenstein place. AMY: There's a light, there's a light in the darkness of everybody's life. JACK: ... -_-' >the other end dissipating into the darkness. JACK: And then you can stir, mix in the brown sugar, and you've got a nice glaze for any size ham. >He holds two of the strings, one in each hand. AMY: (Mysterious guy) How... the hell... do I thread this needle? *Poke* DAMMIT! >He looks at them with intense concentration, SETSUNA AND AMY: *Stare at Jack a la "The Scanner Planner"* JACK: Aw, not again... *Head explodes, flinging cups of crushed ice around the theater. It soon reassembles.* Dammit, and I _liked_ not having my head explode. SETSUNA: ^_^ Haven't done that in two years. >as he carefully twists the two together. AMY: Can I make a Chubby Checker riff here? JACK: Only if I can do 80's music riffs. >He is the Guardian of Time ALL: Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again! >and Space, Lukan Warrior Atokin JACK: The Gospel of Lukan? *Pause* Why do I feel bad about saying that? MAGIC VOICE: ... Because. Just because. (Muttering) I feel bad about typing it. >Atokin: AMY: Isn't he that kid from South Park? SETSUNA: That's "Token", I think. >There, that should do it. SETSUNA: (Atokin) My Hamdingers casserole will be done perfectly! >They should be in for quite a shock. AMY: Bzzt! *Jack jumps* Hee hee hee... JACK: ... Don't do that again. >But I do believe it's for the best, don't you? JACK: (Frank N. Furter) I'm sure you're not _spent_ yet. *CRUNCH* SETSUNA: *Stows the Time Key back in Hammerspace* You spent it and got change; now shut up. >A voice whispers from the darkness. MAGIC VOICE: That ain't darkness. *Shut off the theater's lights* _This_ is darkness. >Voice: I think you may be right. MAGIC VOICE: Gee, you think? >The only way to keep these timelines stable SETSUNA: They've gotta lay off the alcohol. They've been caught by the state troopers too many times... >is to merge them. AMY: Merge Vest. Obtained from Tonberrys in the Cleft of Dimension. >But can you do it in a way that will cause minimal disruption? JACK: (Voice) You better not mess up my broadcast of "Captain Harold's Air Force"! >Atokin: AMY: (Stoner) Dude, this stuff is _good_... >We're going to SETSUNA: Hell for your misdeeds. >find out soon enough, Evanta. JACK: (Evil) Yeah... you'll find out soon... hee hee hee... BWAHAHAHAHAHA! >He than twists one more SETSUNA: Anyone sings anything by Chubby Checker and they get smited. >into the merged line he has begun to form. AMY: (Arthur) You were conceived in the ticket queue at Fenchurch Station? SETSUNA: Amy no hentai! >Atokin: In order to reach optimal operations, JACK: I would worry about a strong strike group going to tack on one more massive attack at dawn - *THWAP* SETSUNA: ... That was one of the longest inane dialogues I've ever sat through. >I would suggest keeping a Warrior Force ready to go in. AMY: "U.S. Troops pull out of Vietnamese peasant girl"... *Snicker* JACK: Gotta love the Onion. >Evanta: I will put Tivak Force on watch. SETSUNA: Don't forget to wind it up. >Atokin: Excellent. JACK: That's spignificant! AMY: Craptacular! SETSUNA: "Spignificant"? JACK: What? >I can't help but wonder what effect this will have on the life of Shinji Ikari. AMY: Ness and his Untouchables will speed toward Gendo's hideout. SETSUNA: Pigs will fly. JACK: And Shinji might score with Rei. *THWAP* Hey, the guy wanted _unlikely_ stuff. SETSUNA: Shut up. Anyway, the fic's over. *All exit* (Reverse door sequence) (Scene: Sickbay. Hotaru's there on the bed, and she's talking to the holodoc.) HOTARU: So that's my problem. HOLODOC: I don't see why a little excessive hair growth is a problem. Take two of these and you'll be fine in the morning. *Tosses Hotaru a bottle* I do want to talk with you about your pregnancy, though. HOTARU: What about it? HOLODOC: I've detected some abnormalities, and it seems the child is growing far faster than expected. HOTARU: "Abnormalities"? What do you mean? HOLODOC: The fetus looks like a cross between you and - I've said too much. HOTARU: ... Indeed, hologram. Computer - HOLODOC: Don't you _dare_ - HOTARU: Deactivate the EMH. HOLODOC: You're _so_ kind. *Vanishes* HOTARU: Growing far faster... premature labor... oh, damn... *Hits the flashing red button* (Mugen Gakuen) KAOLINITE: So, how did you - *Looks around* Hey, where are they? (SnE) HOTARU: Connection got misdirected. (Mugen Gakuen) KAOLINITE: It is of no consequence. Soon the mistress of silence will return to us and the Sanity Crystals will be ours! (SnE) HOTARU: NO! I'm not coming back! (Mugen Gakuen) KAOLINITE: Like you have a choice... there is more at stake here than just _your_ life, you know. *Evil grin* (SnE) HOTARU: You wouldn't... Daddy would never let you... (Mugen Gakuen) KAOLINITE: He doesn't know, and he's under my power. He's on a serious trip, and it'd take more than just a pitiful cry of "Daddy" to make him come back. (SnE) HOTARU: You... don't... please... (Mugen Gakuen) KAOLINITE: You have one week. Choose wisely. *Hits the button* (FWOOSH) \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ ----0---- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ ************************************************************************************ AUTHOR'S NOTES Well, there's the fourth episode. Now that Xing's banned MSTings, though, you'll only see this on my new website. The URL is below. In case you couldn't tell, major changes are being made here. ^_^ Sore wa, himitsu desu, but I'll tell you that one of the originals is gonna die - _permanently_ - before this season is over. Episode 205 will debut with a guest star - Lady Kat of "G-Boys go Miniature Golfing!" fame. I rather think you all will like it. ^_^ You all know the author - he of "Poke-Sailors" infamy and "Fit to be Tied" nausea - Blaine! The next fic is Reunions Part 4! It'll be released before the end of the school year, so keep checking. Ja ne! Tuxedo Jack TuxedoJack@juno.com The Senshi no Eisei http://www.angelfire.com/gundam/SatelliteSenshi/ Holds my MSTings, not a whit more. Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 - The Schedule Season 1 Episode 101: Sailor Moon Meets Seinfeld Episode 102: Poke-Sailors Episode 103: Sailor Moon Redux Episode 104: Whimsical Sailor Street Episode 105: Reunions Part 1 Episode 106: That's What A Tail's Good For *LEMON* Episode 107: THE LOST EPISODE! ^_^ I'll transcribe it soon, don't worry. Episode 108: A Thoroughly Useless Assignment Episode 109: Fit To Be Tied *UBER-LEMON* Season 2 Episode 201: A Trio of Harry Potter Fics Episode 202: Hermione Granger, Hanson Hater Episode 203: Lemon Wing *LEMON, NO DA* Episode 204: The Menial Task Machine Episode 205: Quit Pining Over Ifurita *LEMON - 10 O' CLOCK* Episode 206: Five Fics by Sailor Janus Episode 207: Humans, Digimon, and Hormones *UBER-UBER-LEMON* Episode 208: Reunions Parts 2 and 3 Episode 209: A Very Special Jerry Springer Episode 210: The New Goddess _AND_ Memorial Day Season 3 Episode 301: A Lesson In History Episode 302: Jessie's Pair Episode 303: Too Long For The Tree House Of Horror! Part 1 Episode 304: A Clear Path Through the Storm, Prologue Episode 305: Reunions, Part 4 Special Episodes Episode 104.5: Holo-crap Episode 110: A Crystal-Clear Destiny Episode 209.5: G-Boys Go Miniature Golfing Episode 210.5: Those Who Dare Episode 300.5: A Short, Pointless Interlude