"Come kill me sometime, Heero." - Relena, GW Manga 12 *********************************************************************************** Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 303 IIE! FANFIC NO BAKA: "Too Long for the Tree House of Horror!" Part 1 by Hadisia *********************************************************************************** DISCLAIMER... NO... BAKA! *WHAMMO!*: All Sailor Moon characters belong to Takeuchi-sama. All Ranma characters belong to Takahashi-san. Tuxedo Jack is mine, no da. This fic is being riffed with the permission of Hadisia, who sent it to me herself in an effort for riffing. Oh, yes, Best Brains owns MST3K. Now on with the show! *********************************************************************************** In the not-too-distant future, Out on their Satellite, The Senshi and Tuxedo Jack Are fast approaching their prime! It's the third season's third episode And the Death Busters have hit the mother lode They seek to obtain Sanity Crystals So they'll send the Senshi fanfics They've about ten hard drives full! (JACK: I'm sending them the Chernobyl virus!) (Rini) So they'll send us cheesy fanfics, (Amy) The worst there could possibly be, (la la la) (Hotaru) We'll have to sit and read them all (Setsuna) But we'll keep out sanity! (la la la) (Ranma and Kodachi) Now keep in mind we can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) We're gonna have to stay sane with The help of our other friends! SENSHI ROLL CALL! Setsuna! (NERV brand coffeemakers.) Hotaru! (Coffee-MakoRs.) Teenage Rini! (Mr. Coffee!) Amy! (Let's just go to Starbucks.) (Jack) If you're wondering how we eat and breathe, And other science facts, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "It's a text file, So I can sit back and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! *Twang* *********************************************************************************** (Scene: The black room from episode 120. JR and Rei are there, and JR is mightily pissed.) JR: Damn that network administrator... REI: You did do wrong, apparently. JR: She's bitching about the broadcasts of MSMT3K being on their systems. REI: Nani? How could people complain about that? JR: Apparently, the language used by the fics - the _fics_, not the riffers - is "offensive and not appropriate for the setting of a combined middle/high school." I say she can blow it out her ears. REI: So what did she do to you? JR: She locked me off the network for the rest of the year, called my parents, and scheduled a conference with the tech director of the district. That, and she's banned this - *Gestures at his laptop* - from the school. REI: ... That seems cruel. JR: Understatement of the millenium, dearie. Anyways, this is really gonna cut into how the people on Fanfiction.net see these things. REI: Yes, I noticed. You do realize that the camera's on? JR: ... Crapdammit. *Swats button* (Scene: The bridge. Jack and Hotaru are there, and Hotaru's nestled in his lap, her head on his shoulder. His hand is on her stomach.) JACK: So it's right in there, growing away. HOTARU: Right now. JACK: It's perfect. You're perfect. HOTARU: I know. *Grins. The red button flashes* JACK: *Facefault* Perfect timing. *Hits the button* (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: Good morning, everybody. Who's ready for today's fic? (SnE) JACK: Back off, man. We don't need a fic today... it's nearly Valentine's Day. Give us a friggin' break already! HOTARU: ... That sounds familiar. JACK: (Nervous) No... it's just our mad scientist... HOTARU: Scientist? JACK: (Mentally) D'oh! (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: Yes, well, mad is all subjective. Anyways, I have a nice new invention to show you all. *Pulls out a modified Easy-Bake Oven* This is the new Daimon Oven 3.5, which I'll sell to the general public. These Daimons are configured to steal Sanity Crystals, which they'll remit to us... and we can merge them to make the ultimate weapon. (SnE) JACK: What happens when the Senshi call down their super attacks on it? (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: ... Silence, peasant. Your fic today is "Too Long For The Tree House Of Horror", by Hadisia... and it's 70KB of pure text. (SnE) JACK: ... By Hyne, you'll pay for this. (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: I'll take that as a sign of readiness. Oh, and Tuxy-boy... keep 'Taru-chan out of the theater. (SnE) HOTARU: ... He called me "'Taru-chan"... JACK: Um, yes, well... *Klaxons, bells, whistles, sirens, and lights start going off* We've got FANFIC SIIIIIIGN!!! (Door sequence 23.0) Door 6: Standard-issue eisei dogbone door. Door 5: A blast-proof door. You punch through it. Door 4: Frodo Baggins' ring. You walk through it and run from the eye of Sauron. Door 3: The Golden Snitch. You run after it, and when you finally catch it, you're at... Door 2: A broken computer speaker. You pick your way through the rubble of wires and shreds of metal. Door 1: A pizza. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles come in out of nowhere and eat straight through it. (Theater. Seating order from left to right: Kodachi, Ranma, Jack, Hotaru.) HOTARU: Jack, even you don't call me 'Taru-chan... JACK: Um... honey, can we just drop it? HOTARU: No! I want to know who that guy is! JACK: ... RANMA: (To Jack) Dude, you better just tell her. JACK: (To Ranma) Maybe later... I have a damn good reason not to. RANMA: (To Jack) And that reason would be? JACK: (To Ranma) She's pregnant. RANMA: (To Jack) Damn good reason. >PART ONE RANMA: The Fanfic Menace. >NOTE: HOTARU: (Rocky and Bullwinkle announcer) Yes, it was a million-pound promissory note, payable to the Bank of England! >Most of these characters are not mine, JACK: Because I kinda had to default on the character-equity loan I took out... >save for KODACHI: *Rolls dice* 5 versus Cold, 7 versus Fire, and 2 versus Bad Fanfic. >Sailorvulcan, Sailorbacchus, and Sailorsun. Those three belong to me, HOTARU: Because I got them as a Christmas gift. KODACHI: Look, Mommy! I got three Senshi for Christmas! RANMA: A gift any man would love. *THWAP* >although I got the idea of Sailorsun from Jimenez Janelle-sensei. 'The Simpsons' >belong to Groening Matt-sensei, JACK: I'll remember to groan throughout this fic. >'Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon' HOTARU: It's "Bishoujo Senshi Sailorsaturn", and she knows it. >belongs to Takeuchi Naoko-sensei, MAGIC VOICE: Takeuchi-sama! Takeuchi-SAMA!!! *Speaker explodes* RANMA: Well, that gets him out of the way. JACK: What's on the Action Channel? >'Inu-Yasha: A Feudal Faerie Tale' and 'Ranma Nibunnoichi' belong to >Takahashi Rumiko-sensei, 'Shin Seiki Evangelion' belongs to Anno >Hideaki-sensei. KODACHI: (10 o' Clock Assassin) Who's a DEAD MAN!!! >All right, then, on with the fan fic. HOTARU: I've got the gas masks. JACK: I've got the blowtorches! RANMA: I've got the paintball guns. >NARRATOR: A few days ago, in the Springfield Power Plant, RANMA: The world was Mr. Burns' apple. >many various anime/manga creators (MVAMC) came to visit for no real >apparent reason. JACK: (Exact Mr. Burns) Excellent. *Rubs hands together* >TAKEUCHI NAOKO (Codename KODACHI: Heero Yuy. *Starts whistling "The Wings of the Boy Who Killed Innocence* >Wa: HOTARU: No, that's "NANI?!?" >Sailor V, JACK: (Lianne Sentar) "V is for victory!" RANMA: ... You're starting to freak me out. >Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon): RANMA: Bitch ho. Joe! Sense ye. See Ra moon! *A rose suddenly emerges from Ranma's hair* JACK: Quiet, you, and don't diss Stargate. That was cool. HOTARU: *Groan* Not this again... >Why are we here again? ALL: ... KODACHI: Because some psychotic fool wants us to hand over a crystal. RANMA: Yeah, that guy hiding in the shadows can really be nasty at times. HOTARU: ... >TAKAHASHI RUMIKO RANMA: I feel this sudden urge to cheer... though I don't know why... >(Ranma 1/2, KODACHI: ... Should I be worried? RANMA: *Splits in half a la a tomato. When the dust settles, Ranma-onna and Ranma are in the theater* RANMA-ONNA: Aw, _crap_! RANMA: Not this again! KODACHI: Ranma-sama, now that I notice it, she does look uncannily like you... RANMA AND RANMA-ONNA: Sore wa, himitsu desu. -_-''' >Inu-Yasha, LUM*URUSEI, etc): HOTARU: (Lum) Daaaaarling! KODACHI: Why are you mimicking me, Hotaru-chan? HOTARU: Um... no reason, Kuno-san. >Um...maybe CLAMP-san knows. KODACHI: ^_^!!! Okay! *Glomps Ranma* *ZZZZZAP!* OW! HOTARU: ... Not in this theater. Do it in your room. >[Walks over to CLAMP RANMA-ONNA: What's Happosai doing in here? >(X, Magic Knights Rayearth, RANMA-ONNA: (Singing) I hold the light and the darkness of my heart... trembling while I embrace the shadows moving me apart... *POOF* RANMA: *Is now the only Ranma in the theater* Thank the kamis that's over. >CardCaptor Sakura, etc) JACK: (Syaoran) Elemental Lightning! Come to my aid! HOTARU: (Sakura) OW! Bakayaro! JACK: (Tomoyo) Now you see why we go to target practice every week. >who are APAPA MOKONA, RANMA: Sailor Apapa Mokona Mquishikana Puu. JACK: Why'd you bring Richard Beaubein into this? >OHKAWA NANASE, IGARASHI SATSUKI, NEKOI MICK] KODACHI: Jagger. >RUMIKO: Konnichi wa, minna-san. Um, would you happen to know why we are JACK: Wearing underwear on our heads and have pig's ears? >all here? HOTARU: Not quite. We're missing the easy riffs. >MOKONA: Puu? ALL: Howdy ho! >CLAMP: [Giggle over the 'inside' joke] KODACHI: They better take some Pepto-Bismol, then. >MOKONA: Puu! Puu! HOTARU: ... Damn. No more Hankey refs. >CLAMP: [Giggles turn into hysterical laughter] ALL: *Do the Dr. Evil laugh scene from AP 1* >RUMIKO: [Fake laughing which fades away] Eh heh, eh heh, eh...maybe >Samura-san knows. [Walks over to SAMURA HIROAKI (Blade of the Immortal)] JACK: That reminds me. What time's Highlander on tonight? >Konnichi wa, Samura-san. Er, would you happen to know why we are all here? RANMA: (Samura) The free sushi buffet, what else? JACK: (Samura) Forty-two. >HIROAKI: [Not paying attention to RUMIKO] HOTARU: Then he's going to owe ten percent interest after ninety days. RANMA: *Shudder* >I shouldn`t be here. It is the work which matters, not the worker! MAGIC VOICE: And it's the MST that matters, not the MSTers, so do well or I'll shred you into bits. >I knew I shouldn`t have come. RANMA: I hadn't meant to make her pregnant... *THWAP CLANG* JACK: Kusotare! RANMA: Oh, yeah... sorry, Hotaru-san. HOTARU: No offense taken. >People shouldn`t even know my name. HOTARU AND KODACHI: (Singing) Cause I'm the man without a face... >Oh, why must they fixate on me? JACK: Because you're covered in sticky glue? >I only created the masterpiece! I do not matter! RANMA: (Locutus) Culture is irrelevant. You will be otakuized. >The manga does! Only the manga does!!! HOTARU: That, and nice fluffy bagels. >RUMIKO: Uh, never mind. [Quickly walks away from HIROAKI] KODACHI: Ah, Serial Killer Samura EX Plus Alpha! >HIROAKI: Whyyyyyyyy?!?!?!? JACK: Because Pen Pen is the master of Earth. MAGIC VOICE: All hail the great Pen Pen-sama! >RUMIKO: Geh. HOTARU: She needs some Robitussin. >CUT TO: Some place in the Power Plant that is important and dangerous. RANMA: Hmm... the cafeteria? >Important, dangerous thing explodes or something to that effect. JACK: (Flight attendant) Sir, there's been a nuclear meltdown. You'll have to flee. RANMA: That's all? That's not so bad. JACK: (FA) We're also out of coffee. RANMA: *Starts screaming like an onna* >Radioactive liquid-like substance covers MVAMC. JACK: (Exact Homer) Dear God, no! >Radioactive substance then escapes from the POWER PLANT. HOTARU: Be on the lookout for Radioactive Substance. It's thought to be armed, dangerous, and extremely... radioactive. >NARRATOR: (A bit insanely) ...and all hell breaks loose! KODACHI: You're fixing that, dammit! I paid tons for it! >Mwa ha ha ha ha!!! (More calmly) Well, not really. RANMA: No, no, no, I don't think so, no, no, no. >CUT TO: Some wide, open area. HOTARU: Then fold, spindle, and mutilate. >BART SIMPSON, HOTARU: Who the hell is he? >LISA SIMPSON, RANMA: Always remember Daddy loves D'OH! >ROBERT TERWILLIGER and CECIL TERWILLIGER are all there for some reason or another. JACK: (Kelsey Grammer) Reason! Come out, and I swear I won't hurt you! RANMA: (David Hyde Pierce) Yes, Reason, and we'll throw in some nice fluffy cake too! JACK: (Kelsey Grammer) Shut up, Cecil. RANMA: (David Hyde Pierce) Shutting up, Robert. >BART: (frightened) HOTARU: He's running around like a Bart with his head cut off. >Oh my God! KODACHI: They killed Takahashi! RANMA: You beast turds! ... What the hell was that?!? MAGIC VOICE: Oh, this is going to be cleaner from now on. No more swearing, no more sex, and no more utterly insane violence. ALL: ... *Attack the speaker and obliterate it* JACK: Looks like he spoke too soon. >It`s the evil Sideshow Bob-san, ALL: (Bart) AAAAAH! Sideshow Bob! >and his evil brother JACK: Roger Clinton! >Cecil-san! KODACHI: Tamahome! RANMA: Miaka! KODACHI: Tamahome! RANMA: Miaka! KODACHI: Tamahome! RANMA: Mia - *CLANG* HOTARU: Quiet, you. >LISA: (frightened) Oh no! HOTARU: ThE AuThoRS wOuLD NoT ApProvE. >What evil scheme have they come up with this time? RANMA: (Bob) We're going to take over the world! JACK: (Cecil) Um, maybe, Bob, but how are we going to get a wombat to use Kleenex tissues? >We must put a stop to their reign of terror! KODACHI: And the acid reign fell and killed them all, the end. >ROBERT: Ack! JACK: (Bob as Bill the Cat) Hairball! >Iie! KODACHI: O, U, and sometimes Y. >Iieiieiiieiieiie!!! MEN: We are the Knights who say... IIE! >How many times must I tell everyone? HOTARU: (Bob as Nixon) I am not a crook! I am _not_ a crook! >I am reformed! I am reformed!!! ALL: ... JACK: Hotaru, I thought you fixed that anti-interactivity gizmo. HOTARU: Batteries must be dead again. >LISA: Wait, never mind, nii-san. He`s reformed. HOTARU: Into a blob of goo! >BART: No he`s not! RANMA: Quite dead yet! >It`s a trick! JACK: (Penn) For my next trick, I'm gonna shoot a crossbow bolt into the sack of cement connected to Teller's chair. >He`s really evil! KODACHI: Like that river of purple slime under New York. >Like he`s always been! >ROBERT: I`m reformed, damn it! REFORMED!!! HOTARU: (Bob) You cannot defeat me! I... am... INVINCIBLE! JACK: (Chief Wiggum) Yeah, yeah, cook 'im, toys. >LISA: Didn`t he risk his life to save yours when his brother >threw you off the dam the last time he got out of jail? ALL: ... >{Awkward silence} JACK: Just like here in the theater. RANMA: Shut up, Jack. >BART: Shut up, Lisa. JACK: Shut up, Ranma. RANMA: Shut up, Hotaru. HOTARU: Shut up, Ko... HEY! *CLANG* >CECIL: ... HOTARU: Is this guy from an episode of Dragonball or what? >ROBERT: (Irritated) AAARRRGGGHHH!!! JACK: (Bob as Fuujin) I am FUUJIN! I AM A HERMAPH... *shakes head* Sorry. >[Whams head repeatedly against a tree] RANMA: (Woody Woodpecker) Heh-heh heh heh-heh! Heh-heh heh heh-heh! Huhuhuhuhuhuh... MAGIC VOICE: Oh, shut up. >CECIL: [Not really paying attention to any of this] Hey, what`s that weird, >glowing liquid-like substance that seems to have come from the power plant >that`s coming our way? KODACHI: (Mojo Jojo) It is a liquid that is not a solid or a gas but a liquid that is coming our way in our general direction that is going to soak us and mutate us into various strange creatures by mutating us! >[They are all quickly covered with the stuff] ALL: SLIME PARTY! >[All of Springfield, who have witnessed this, gasp in horror] ALL: (Citizens) Eeew, poopy! >[BART, LISA, ROBERT, and CECIL emerge from the stuff] JACK: (Televangelist) Come forth, and be born ag-ain! RANMA: (Frankenstein) Live, my creation! LIIIIIIIIVE! >ROBERT: Ew! And that kuso was radioactive! KODACHI: Then the sewer system's gonna have a helluva time washing that through... *THWAP* >SPRINGFIELD: *Gasp* RANMA: *Pause* JACK: *Lifts eyebrows* KODACHI: *Purrs* HOTARU: *Smacks Kodachi* >BART, LISA, ROBERT and CECIL: RANMA: (Singing) Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight! Get down tonight! *THWACK* Thanks, I needed that. JACK: Jeez, that was sick... *Whacks Ranma upside the head with his cane* RANMA: Aw, not you too! JACK: I didn't need the image, thanks! *THWACK* >[Look at themselves, then at each other] ALL: INTENSE... LOOKING... ACTION! >*Gasp* ALL: INTENSE... GASPING... ACTION! >ROBERT: Kuso! Kusokusokusokusokuso- JACK: INTENSE... SWEARING... ACT - *THWAP* HOTARU: Oh, come on... that gag's getting old. >CECIL: Stop swearing, nii-san. It`s not helping. KODACHI: But it sure is fun! >ROBERT: Shut up! Kusokusokusokusokuso... HOTARU: So now it's a Navfic? NAV: *Appears in theater, toting an AK-47 and grenades* Huh? Where the hell... SENSHI! KILL THE SENSHI! *Aims the AK-47 at Hotaru* HOTARU: (Bored) Oh, dear. JACK: TUXEDO FLARE! *The familiar orange fireballs surround Nav, who is then promptly fried to a crisp by the resulting mushroom fireball* Not on this satellite. NAV: *Is now a pile of ashes* Ouch. *Crumples to the floor. The nanobots come in and clean him out of the theater* >NARRATOR: (A bit smirky) Hai...kuso...for you see...Lisa, Bart, Robert HOTARU: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen... JACK: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny... >and Cecil were now transformed into different anime/manga characters! RANMA: Then why not just say animanga? >Mwa ha ha ha ha!!! KODACHI: I'm insulted by that laugh; it's a cheap takeoff of mine. *Full EVIL KODACHI LAUGH ensues* RANMA: *Shudder* That laugh's gonna set off alarm bells in me for a looooong time... >BART JACK: (Fujin) SIMPSON! >is now a young boy of about fourteen years of age, ALL: ... RANMA: Damned time warps. >wearing a modern Chinese-style outfit, RANMA: ... This sounds vaguely familiar. JACK: Um, Taru-chan? Did you put new batteries in the Anti-interactivity Device? HOTARU: Yeah, why? JACK: No reason... >with long hair with (natural) black streaks tied in an Asian-style braid >behind his back. He is RANMA: Dead if he is who I think he is. >Saotome Ranma, from 'Ranma 1/2'. KODACHI: Ranma-sama? There? *Looks at Ranma* Ranma-sama here? RANMA: (To self) Her head's starting to smell like burnt rubber again... KODACHI: _Two_ Ranma-samas... this calls for a threesome! ^_______^ -^3^3 *THWACK* HOTARU: ... _NO_. >LISA is also now fourteen years of age, and she has semi long hair with >(natural) reddish-orange streaks halfway down her back. She`s wearing a >very familiar Japanese school uniform. She is Funkazanno Tannen, aka >Sailorvulcan, from Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon. ALL: *Snoring* >ROBERT is looks about fourteen or fifteen years of age, with long hair that >has (natural) white streaks down to his waist. Two thick strands hang from >either side of his head in his face. He has dog ears poking through his hair >on the top of his head, and strange eyes that seem to be like a cat`s, but >yet very different than a cat`s. ALL: Neko-neko WAI! MAGIC VOICE: Um... you're not allowed to advertise for porn sites on here. JACK: Nani? What are you talking about? MAGIC VOICE: Um... they changed their format... *Sweatdrop* >He is wearing a strange, ancient Japanese-outfit >from the Sengokou Jedai time period, and he has claws and fangs much like a dog`s, >only a bit more menacing. He also has an adorable little dog-like nose. A >scabbard contaning a blade is hung at his hip. RANMA: Thrill to the intense action scenes... *Snore* >He is Inu-Yasha, the dog-demon from 'Inu-Yasha: A Feudal Fairie Tale'. HOTARU: (Cinderella) Dammit, Charming, I told you to clean the fireplace! JACK: (Prince Charming) Yes, Cinderella-sama! QUEEN Cinderella-sama! HOTARU: (Cinderella as Kodachi) Oh, hohohohohohohohoho! KODACHI: ... You do that far too well. HOTARU: I've had practice. ^_-' >CECIL, also around fourteen years of age, is wearing a typical yet familiar >school uniform, and has straight hair with (natural) brown streaks in a usual >boy`s style. He is Ikari Shinji, from 'Shin Seiki Evangelion'. KODACHI: (Asuka) Baka Shinji-kun! You will submit to Asuka-sama! RANMA AND JACK: *Shudder* >ROBERT: -kusokusokusokusokuso!!!!! [Calms down a little] Anyway...oh yeah. >[Anger returns] What the hell is going on here? HOTARU: Somebody set up us the bomb. JACK: You are on the way to destruction. RANMA: What you say?!? >And why do we all look different? KODACHI: You just went through puberty. *Looks at Hotaru* What, no pain? HOTARU: Not this time. KODACHI: But it feels so _good_... HOTARU: O_o'''... She's channelling Xelloss again... XELLOSS: *Appears in the theater* Did somebody call? ^_^' KODACHI: (Imperiously) No one summoned you, Mazoku. Leave us. XELLOSS: Very well. ^_^ At least that Zelgadiss is something to look at... ^_^' *Vanishes* JACK: ... What did I say about Slayers riffs? >And what the hell has happened to my ears?!? JACK: I hAVe SenT ThEM tO aNOthEr DImensIoN! HOTARU: *Sweatdrop* Oh, no, he's gone Saban on us... >LISA: (Joyous) JACK: Oh, no, now it's becoming "Poke-sailors". *Shudder* >How kawaii! [Feels ROBERT`S ears] Kawaii!!! KODACHI: Just like me and Hotaru-chan. RANMA: You're more sultry and sexy. ^_- HOTARU: *Pulls out Silence Glaive* JACK: *Puts his hand on Hotaru's* Don't. Just trust me. Besides, it'd be beneath a woman of your status. HOTARU: *Grumble grumble* Fine. >ROBERT&CECIL&BART: [Sweatdrop] RANMA: Maybe we could bottle sweatdrops and sell them. >BART: Imouto-san... >LISA: [Still feeling ROBERT`S ears, much to his annoyance] Hai, nii-san? >BART: Stop that. Now. HOTARU: (Monotone) Oh, yes. Stop or I will have to say stop some more. >LISA: [Removes her hands slowly] But they`re so kawaii... ALL: (Singing) Aloha oi... Aloha oi... >ROBERT: Iie! They are not kawaii!!! They are strange dog ears! >Dog ears!!! [Grips LISA by the shoulders and shakes her] KODACHI: Then he tips her upside down and pours out the martini. JACK: ... Was that a sex riff? KODACHI: Not this time. >DOG!!! EARS!!! HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT THESE ARE KAWAII?!? JACK: (Lisa) Haim Saban paid me to. Money really talks around here, Bob. >AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! HOTARU: (Rosalyn) Breathe, Calvin. >LISA: Ow! Let go of my shoulders! Your claws are cutting my skin! RANMA: *Shudder* "Nekophilia" flashbacks... >ROBERT: [Removes his hands] JACK: (Rockman X) Equip Boomerang Cutter! Beat Sting Chameleon! >[Looks at claws in horror] ALL: Wah wah waaaaaah... >AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH >!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KODACHI: ... For some reason, I'm reminded of a certain story by Starri Wanderer. >[For some reason, it suddenly begins to rain] HOTARU: Uweeheehee! Don't play with the shower controls, kids! >BART: (Squeaky, in a shocked/surprised/horrified voice) Um...guys? KODACHI: (Bart) I locked my keys in the car again... >CECIL: [Notices BART] What the hell? RANMA: It's the end of the world as he knows it... >HOMER (unseen): Oh merciful God! ALL: (Chanting) Pie Jesu Dominem... *All hit themselves in their heads* Dona eis requiem... *They hit themselves again* >CUT TO: LISA`S BEDROOM KODACHI: Then insert Tab A into Slot B and you'll have your very own icemaker. >[BART is sitting in a corner, holding his knees up to his chest, and shivering. JACK: (Bart) Can't sleep, clowns will eat me, can't sleep, clowns will eat me... >Only now he has red hair, and seems to be female.] HOTARU: He also has a job working for a professor taking care of his twin daughters. JACK: ... Obscurity, thy name is Hotaru. >LISA: [Pours a kettle of steaming hot water over BART] RANMA: Now marinate the meat in hot water with carrots and onions for twelve hours... >There you go, nii-san. JACK: Why do I have the sudden urge to go buy an Altima? >BART: [Transforms back into a guy] HOTARU: (Seiya) Staaaaaaage out! >OW!!! Shimatta, imouto-san, it doesn`t need to be that hot!!! KODACHI: But it sure helps. And besides, what's better than... *THWAP* HOTARU: _Don't._ KODACHI: Hot tea. What did you think I was going to say? HOTARU: *Sweatdrop* Sorry. >LISA: Hey, at least it worked! RANMA: (Bart) Here's your paycheck, now get the HELL AWAY! >[Switch to ROBERT and CECIL.] JACK: Then blow a 2600 Hz tone into the receiver and take control. >ROBERT: [Pours cold water over an already soaked CECIL] Why won`t you turn into >anything, eh? HOTARU: Because he forgot his Instant Jusenkyo powder. RANMA: Please don't bring that place up around me. HOTARU: Gomen. >CECIL: ... KODACHI: Hmm... I didn't think that he could have periods. *WHAMMO* HOTARU: ... NO. RANMA: -_-'' >LISA: Stop that. For the seventh time, he is not going to henshin into anything. KODACHI: Shall we? RANMA: Let's. KODACHI: Naughty bondage power, make up! RANMA: Onna water power, make up! JACK: Tuxedo Crisis Power, Make Up! *Gratuitous henshin sequence, and Jack is transformed into his Super form, sword, armor, cape, and all.* Whoops, forgot I could do that. RANMA: (Muttering) Don't rub it in. >BART: (To ROBERT) Baka. HOTARU: *Pulls out mallet* Raaaaaaanma... no... RANMA: *Cowers* HOTARU: Aw, no, I can't do it now. >ROBERT: Stuff it, Bart-kun. KODACHI: Then roll it, pat it, and mark it with a V, and then put it in the oven for the baby and me. JACK: ... Did you just make a sex joke? >BART: (Sarcastically) Did I just hear a dog bark? JACK: ... was that the fic or Kodachi? KODACHI: Do you really wanna know? >ROBERT: That`s it, aqua boy-girl, shinde!!! ALL: ZOI! >[Tackles BART, and they both begin to fight] HOTARU: I love a good catfight. ^_^ >LISA: Now stop that, you two! I mean it! Stop it! Now! KODACHI: (Lisa, bored) Stop, please. I'm begging you, please stop. >ROBERT&BART: [Ignore LISA, continuing their fight] ALL: ... RANMA: "Gyra famous on Amy?" >LISA: Grr... [Vein pop] JACK: Hope she's got plastic on the carpet. Blood's a pain to clean up. HOTARU: What... EEEEEW! >ROBERT&BART: [Continue fighting] RANMA: You cannot beat my kung-fu, my kung-fu is the best. >LISA: VULCAN CRYSTAL POWER! MAKE UP! JACK: It's Sailor Spock! HOTARU: Spock in a fuku... *Snicker* JACK: (Spock) In the name of the moons, I shall punish you. Vulcan Nerve Pinch Attack! >[40 second transformation; she turns into Sailorstarvulcan] Lava Burst!!! RANMA: - out in anger, ripping the Shinma apart with his bare hands. >ROBERT&BART: [Are immediatally covered with lava] ALL: ... MAGIC VOICE: Methinks that Hadisia's been reading "Killey" again. >Some lava on the ceiling burns in away, KODACHI: (Away) Aw, for god's sake... I just got out of the hospital, too... >causing it to rain upon BART and ROBERT, ALL: (Singing) Raindrops are falling on my head... >changing BART back in female form. JACK: Swearing to the sky. >BART: Ow! Owowowowow!!! HOTARU: Bart Simpson, the next Sir Paparachino Narandon. >LISA: [Vein pop] KODACHI: Now I really hope they have the plastic sheets down. *CLANG* HOTARU: That's just sick. >Shut up! You two are really beginning to irritate me!!! RANMA: Then use Vagisil. It'll remove that "feminine irritation." JACK: ... I'd beat you senseless, but it was a really good joke. >BART: Ack! I`m female again, imouto-san! Shimatta! JACK: And the Cubs win the World Series, whoop-dee-friggin'-doo. >ROBERT: (Mockingly) Well, at least you`re well built... HOTARU: She can resist the impact of a car going at thrity miles an hour! >BART: [Hits him] >LISA: Stop it! NOW!!! ALL: (Knights) Or we shall say "ni" at you! >BART: But he said- KODACHI: (British) The word! He said the word! >LISA: I don`t care! RANMA: And the tech putted on tennis and lil' undies... *Everyone else looks at Ranma like he's friggin' crazy* What? JACK: ... _Shut_ _the_ _f(BLEEP)ck_ _up_. _NOW_. >BART: Hmph. You`re just jealous `cause it`s true - RANMA: What, the tennis or the lil' undies? *Jack twitches, but restrains his hand from beating Ranma over the head with his cane* >and because I look sexier than you. RANMA: With those lil' undies! *Hotaru pulls out her Silence Glaive* HOTARU: This stuff is hazardous to my baby's health... >[Sticks his tongue out at LISA] RANMA: Looks like the cat got his tongue... *Kodachi pulls out her ribbons and a vial of paralysis powder* >LISA: [Twitch] N-Nani? RANMA: I mean, "WHAT?" HOTARU: *Twirls the Silence Glaive menacingly* Ranma... no... BAKA! JACK: _THAT'S IT!!!_ *The three other riffers jump Ranma, and the lights in the theater go out. Large amounts of pummeling ensue, and people are screaming in pain and rage. To put it mildly, there is not happiness. The lights eventually come back on, and Ranma is unconscious in his chair, with his body a mass of welts, and bruises.* >BART: [Smirk] See, Robert-san? JACK: *Coughs smoke* _That's_ why you don't bring Oscar in here. >ROBERT: Leave me out of this... >LISA: [Twitching] Bart no baka... KODACHI: I love to hear that line... >BART: Eh? JACK: It was certainly useful earlier, Kodachi, ne? KODACHI: Not just in the theater, either. HOTARU AND JACK: o_o'' RANMA: *Stirs* >LISA: [Repeatedly hits BART over the head with a big wooden mallet which came >out from nowhere] JACK: Well, according to "Virgin Warrior Sailor Moon"... MMMPH! HOTARU: Quiet, you! KODACHI: Hey, our p - MMMPH!!! HOTARU: Ecchi hentai bakas. >BAKABAKABAKABAKABAKABAKABAKABAKA!!!!!!!!!!!! RANMA: *Wakes up* Am I on parole yet, Soun? HOTARU: Not yet. This is for the kid. *Whips out a ki-charged mallet* Ranma... no... BAKA! *Hotaru brings the mallet down, and as she does so, she yells...* MALLET STRIIIIKE! *WHAMMO!* RANMA: *Coughs splinters* Ouch. >ROBERT&CECIL: ... JACK: Take some Clearasil, you two... that's some bad acne. >CECIL`S watch begins to beep, and he glances at it. RANMA: (Cecil, British) Oh, no! It's the Spanish Inquisition! JACK: (British) No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! >CECIL: I`m needed at NERV! An angel`s attacking... HOTARU: Which way to NREV? I mean NERV... >PAUSE MAGIC VOICE: And fast-forward, because the battery life on my laptop's running out. >ROBERT: (Confused) Eh...nani? MAGIC VOICE: I'll put it this way, Robert... the battery life runs out, you all go straight into the crapper, and that's what happened with the first episode. RANMA: That explains the flashbacks with Jimi Hendrix and a "long yeelow banana"... MAGIC VOICE: You really want to get hurt today, ne, Ranma-kun? >Well, to move the story along, CECIL miraculously understands. Never you mind how. JACK: The Plot Device Gun. >CECIL: Dewa mata. [Jumps out of LISA`S open window] ALL: *Hum the "Mission: Impossible" theme* >LISA: [Looks up from hitting BART] Cecil-san? HOTARU: She must be a junkie. She loves to hit things... *Rimshot* >CUT TO: Downtown Springfield, KODACHI: Then fold, spindle, and mutilate. JACK: I think we already did that riff. >where an Angel is attacking. JACK: With the Sea of Dirac! That was the coolest... RANMA: Nope, it's using Chibi-chan's "Oscarfic in a Can". JACK: ... Ranma, what's with you and Oscar riffs lately? RANMA: ... No clue. Think it's Jyu... *Notices Kodachi staring intently* Erm... never mind... KODACHI: What's this "Jyu" thing? RANMA: Um... well... HOTARU: Here, let him show you. *Passes Ranma a convenient glass of cold water* RANMA: ... Thanks a _lot_, Hotaru. Kodachi, you ain't gonna like this... KODACHI: Feh, I've seen worse... RANMA: Don't bet on it. *Steels himself, then dumps the cold water all over him.* GYAH! *Changes to Ranma-onna, and Kodachi's eyes go wide.* That's the curse I've got... I change to a woman every time I get some cold water on me. KODACHI: ... Why didn't you tell me? RANMA: Nani?!? KODACHI: Now the Black Rose of St. Hebereke can show you the _true_ meaning of pleasure... Oh, hohohohoho! JACK: ... Remind me to put the sound dampening field around their room tonight, Hotaru-chan. HOTARU: ... If you forget, I'll do it myself. >Unit-01 (with CECIL as the pilot, of course) HOTARU: No, I was thinking that the pilot would be Leslie Nielsen... >enters and begins to fight the Angel. ALL: ... JACK: Angel/EVA porno? Reminds me of "The Book of Shinji"... MAGIC VOICE: FOURTH WALL ALERT! FOURTH WALL ALERT! JACK: SORRY! Now SHUT UP! *Alarms quiet themselves* >LISA (still transformed), ROBERT, and BART (still female) RANMA: That reminds me. Does anyone have some hot water handy? JACK: Sorry, can't help. RANMA: Dammit. >run into downtown Springfield, having followed CECIL there. KODACHI: That'll be a hell of a mess to clean up, then... >ROBERT: [Points to UNIT-01] Th...that`s ototo-san! JACK: (Dorothy) Ototo, ototo, I knew we weren't in Kansas any more! OTHERS: *Moan and groan* >Unit 001 is thrown into a building. ROBERT: O...ototo-san!!! >CECIL: [Strained look on his face] Unh... RANMA: Take a laxative, Cecil, you sound like you need it. >The Angel sends Unit-01 flying into another building. ALL: (Singing) Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars... >CECIL: [Looks near unconsciousness; blood trickles down the side of his >face and he`s extremely bruised and bleeding elsewhere.] RANMA: *Eyes Kodachi suspiciously* KODACHI: ... I've never thought about _that_, Ranma-sama... -_-'' >ROBERT: OTOTO-SAN!!!!!! JACK: (Dorothy) Ototo, watch out for the evil witch! HOTARU: ... Be quiet, anata. >TO BE...CONTINUED!!! Mwa ha ha ha ha!!!! KODACHI: Damn cheap copies of my laugh... my beautiful, wonderful laugh... Oh, hohohohohohohoho! RANMA: Um... Tachi-chan? KODACHI: *Wipes a tear from her eye* I'm quite all right, Ranma-sama. >Okay, hai, ALL: Bai-bai! >I know that probably sucked, but it was kind of a spur of the moment thing here. RANMA: And so is this... *Dashes out of the theater. The others follow, albeit more slowly* (Reverse door sequence) (Scene: Ranma's bathroom. He's in the shower, behind the curtain, and there's steam everywhere. He's sighing in relief as the hot water pours over him and reverts his body to his male form. He turns around towards the wall behind him, and the door to the bathroom opens silently. He doesn't notice, and continues humming "Kawaiikune, Irokegane" as he soaps up. A new, shadowy figure crosses through the bathroom towards the toilet, still unnoticed by Ranma. The figure hides behind the _large_ toilet when Ranma looks its way a moment later. Ranma then turns back and starts to sing, and the figure reaches up to the sink and turns on the hot water there, then flushes the toilet.) RANMA: Gyaaaaaaaaah! COLD! *Changes back to Ranma-onna. The shadowy figure tears open the curtain to the sound from "Psycho", and leaps in. Ranma screams, not knowing who it is...* SHADOWY FIGURE: Ranma-hime, let me wash your back... *Purrs, pulls her hood off, and Ranma notices it's Kodachi.* MAGIC VOICE: (Quiet enough so neither of them hears him) I don't CARE! Cut the camera feed! NOW!!! REI: (Just as quiet) Fine, JR. Here. MAGIC VOICE: (Still quiet) Thanks... (Scene: Bridge. Hotaru and Jack are there again.) HOTARU: I've been having these... dark... flashes lately, honey. JACK: Weird, dear... maybe you should talk to the doc and have him check you out. HOTARU: He _did_! And he said that my body was undergoing changes, and that it'd pass! JACK: Then it will, dear. Hey, the red button's flashing. *Hits it* (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: So, I see you survived that test of endurance. Not next time! Kaolinite! Push the button! KAOLINITE: As you wish, Souichi-sama. *Pushes the button* (SnE) HOTARU: Wait a minute! That's not... DADDY?!? (FWOOSH) \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ ----0---- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ ********************************************************************************** AUTHOR'S NOTES Well, that's the third episode. Anyways, I'm taking a quick break to work on a novelization of the Castlevania: Bloodlines game and "The Book of Shinji". Sorry about the delay in coming on this, though. But hey! You all remember those old Zelda cartoons from the 80s? Onsce (aka Avanent) found a site where they're all up... in RealPlayer format! It's incredible, especially since the site has the original Captain N cartoons too... I'll tell you all the site, but only if you leave reviews. ^_^ That's my price. But... Episode 204 brings more chaos, drama, and slapstick comedy back onto the SnE and away from the philistines that are the administration of Westchester Academy. So, until then... Ja ne! Tuxedo Jack TuxedoJack@juno.com STINGER: "LISA: [Repeatedly hits BART over the head with a big wooden mallet which came out from nowhere] BAKABAKABAKABAKABAKABAKABAKABAKA!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 1 Episode 101: Sailor Moon Meets Seinfeld Episode 102: Poke-Sailors Episode 103: Sailor Moon Redux Episode 104: Whimsical Sailor Street Episode 105: Reunions Part 1 Episode 106: That's What A Tail's Good For *LEMON* Episode 107: THE LOST EPISODE! ^_^ I'll transcribe it soon, don't worry. Episode 108: A Thoroughly Useless Assignment Episode 109: Fit To Be Tied *UBER-LEMON* Season 2 Episode 201: A Trio of Harry Potter Fics Episode 202: Hermione Granger, Hanson Hater Episode 203: Lemon Wing *LEMON, NO DA* Episode 204: The Menial Task Machine Episode 205: Quit Pining Over Ifurita *LEMON - 10 O' CLOCK* Episode 206: Five Fics by Sailor Janus Episode 207: Humans, Digimon, and Hormones *UBER-UBER-LEMON* Episode 208: Reunions Parts 2 and 3 Episode 209: A Very Special Jerry Springer Episode 210: The New Goddess _AND_ Memorial Day Season 3 Episode 301: A Lesson In History Episode 302: Jessie's Pair Episode 303: Too Long For The Tree House Of Horror! Part 1 Special Episodes Episode 104.5: Holo-crap Episode 110: A Crystal-Clear Destiny Episode 209.5: G-Boys Go Miniature Golfing Episode 210.5: Those Who Dare Episode 300.5: A Short, Pointless Interlude