"Can we at least agree that when my cactus shrieks, it's too hot?" - Wally "It wasn't shrieking _before_ you took off your shirt." - Alice (Both from "Dilbert) ************************************************************************ Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 202 POKE-PORN ABOUNDS, BUT NOT HERE: "Jessie's Pair" by Steve ************************************************************************ ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, HOTARU GAVE TO ME... A DISCLAIMER IN A PEAR TREE: All Sailor Moon characters are the property of Takeuchi-sama. All Ranma characters are the property of Takahashi-san. Tuxedo Jack is my property, Prince Neptune is his property, the fic is the property of Steve, and MST3K is the property of Best Brains. Anyway, on with the show! A merry Christmas/happy Hanukkah/happy Kwanzaa/feliz Navidad/happy Ramadan/ whatever to you all. I'm stuck here, writing on my newly repaired laptop... and yes, this is the freakin' Christmas special. Sorry it's late, but you'll see why in a story that I'll write later. Uweeheehee! Don't tease the disclaimer, kids! ************************************************************************ In the not-too-distant future, Out on the SoS, The Senshi, Jack, and a special guest Deal with another pest! They've now got new villains - the Witches 5 (Who think the Satellite's a seamy dive) The Witches want their Sanity Crystals So they'll send them lots of fanfics - They've about fifty bushels! (MIMETTE: Ooh... He's... HUNKY! *GLOMP*) (Eudial) We'll send them crappy fanfics, (Mimette) Which are sick even to me, (la la la) (Tellu) They'll have to sit and watch them all (Viluy) And we'll take their sanity! (la la la) (Cyprine and Pucherol) Now keep in mind they can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) They're gonna lose their sanity And all their minds will bend! SENSHI ROLL CALL! Setsuna! (433R T|-|3 L33T.) Hotaru! (tHE auThOr WouLD nOt appRoVe.) Teenage Rini! (Why can't _I_ have two men fawning over me? *Pout*) Amy! (Mmm... Jeff...) (Professor Tomoe) If you're wondering how they'll eat and sleep, And other science facts, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "I'll watch the fics too Unless I sit back, breathe deep, and relax!" And watch Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! *Twang* ************************************************************************ (Amy's room on the Senshi no Eisei - and yes, that's right... don't ask why I got it wrong so many times. Anyway, she and Jeff - Prince Neptune from Episode 201 - are there on a couch and they're studying complex charts and graphs.) JEFF: But that vector can't be right... I mean, it planitude of it... AMY: You're right, but when you take into account the physics of black holes and nebulae... Oh, come over here, you can see it better. *Pats a spot on the couch next to her, and Jeff edges over nervously. A tiny dot of blood appears from his nostril, but he wipes it away before Amy notices it.* The planitude is verified thanks to the accompanying gravity well of that star... JEFF: But what about the other factors? *Turns his head towards her profile* AMY: The DL factor... *Turns her head to face him, and for the briefest of moments, their lips touch.* It's very, very... *Kisses Jeff again* irrelevant... in this current situation... *They keep kissing. Rini, in the meantime, has entered from the side door.* RINI: *Snickers quietly* (Quietly) I knew it! I _knew_ it! Hmm... Alex would be _so_ jealous. I think I'll let them be... for now. *Sees a yellow button on the wall flashing* Wonder why that's here? *Taps it* ************************************************************************ ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on the WB, it's the crossover you've all been waiting for! SHANA: Cloud, have you been fighting with Barret again? MATT CAMDEN: *Shrugs* SHANA: Well, he can be annoying at times, but don't let him get to you. ANNOUNCER: Fantasy 7th Heaven! Join us as the lovable Camdens get sent to Midgar to work in the Sector 7 slums! Tonight... at seven... only on the WB! ************************************************************************ (Bridge. Jack and Ranma are there, and both are grinning wildly.) RANMA: You think the show starts just before Reno sabotages the pillar? JACK: I hope so. High damn time that show died. RANMA: Yeah. *Sees the red button flashing* Damn, another fic already? *Hits the button* (Mugen Gakuen - Infinity Academy, for those of you who haven't played the Sailor Moon RPG for Super Famicom. ^_^) TOMOE: *Is dressed in a Santa hat. It looks ridiculous, to say the very least.* Howdy ho! (SnE) JACK: Oh, hi, Dr. Hankey. RANMA: What crap are you pushing out this time? JACK: Sure hope it's not Oscar or Ratliff. (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: What the... oh, it's the Santa hat. *Puts it away* (SnE) RANMA: We're still gonna make Mr. Hankey jokes about you, though. (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: Don't even think about it, or I send over a Shinjific. (SnE) JACK: Cool! ^_^ RANMA: So what are we up against today? (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: It's my nice little Christmas present to you all. You'll be reading a nauseating bit of semi-Pokeporn - (SnE) BOTH MEN: POKEPORN?!?!? JACK: Oh, wait, he said semi-Pokeporn. That's not a lemon. (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: I'm not sure; I don't read the whole fic through every time. Anyway, it's called "Jessie's Pair", and a nice man named Steve suggested it to me. Now get in there! *Pushes button* (SnE) JACK: Oh, we've got FANFIC SIIIIIIIGN!!!! (Door sequence) Door 6: Standard-issue eisei dogbone door. Door 5: A strand of mistletoe. Jack tears it down before they continue on. Door 4: Some Christmas cookies. You pick them up and carry them with you. Door 3: Jeff and Amy. They somehow were taken to the theater, and they join you and you four proceed onwards. Door 2: Harry Potter. He uses the Alohomora charm to open the locked door in front of you. Door 1: Four glasses and a carafe of eggnog. Jack grins and pulls a flask of rum from Hammerspace. (SnE Theater. Seating order from left to right: Jeff, Amy, Ranma, Jack.) JACK: Man, how come I get the end? RANMA: Because last time, you had to go to the bathroom and you crawled over everyone to get to the door. JACK: Oh, yeah, I forgot. AMY: What's the fic about today? JACK: Remember "Poke-sailors"? AMY: Yeah... another Blainefic? JACK: Try semi-Poke-porn. AMY: *Passes out into Jeff's arms* JEFF: Aw, geez, down one riffer and the fic hasn't even started yet! RANMA: A new record! >Pokémon and everything about it is JEFF: The creation of Satan! JACK: Or Haim Saban. *Shudder* >© 1995, 1996, 1998 Nintendo/Creatures inc./GAME FREAK inc. RANMA: (Deep voice) The years that SPAM RULED THE EARTH! >TM & ® are trademarks of Nintendo Co., Ltd. © 1999 Nintendo. JACK: I thought they were punctuation symbols! Boy, was I ever wrong... RANMA: Damn corporations, copyrighting everything... next thing you know, Microsoft'll copyright US English! >This story has been given a rating of PG-13, JEFF: ... You said it was Poke-porn? JACK: Semi-Pokeporn. JEFF: Then why the hell does it have a PG-13 rating? JACK: Beats the hell out of me. >however I actually wanted to use (15). RANMA: (Author) You know how it is, you can't get enough nails to keep the whole birdhouse together... >There wasn't a (15) rating, JEFF: Yeah, the scale goes from zero to ten. JACK: But only on Mediaminer.org. MAGIC VOICE: Thought I was gone because my systems died, eh? WRONG! And that was a FOURTH WALL BREACH! FOURTH WALL BREACH! JACK: Aw, shut up. TUXEDO FLARE! MAGIC VOICE: BIG GUARD! *The speaker is fried, but nothing happens* I'm now immune to your puny attacks, thanks to my Enemy Skill Materia... anyway, this is your first warning. Five warnings, and there's no Christmas presents for you this year. ALL: We'll be good! We'll be good! AMY: *Wakes up thanks to the yelling* Oh, geez, I had this horrible nightmare that we got assigned to watch Pokeporn... JACK: Semi-Pokeporn. AMY: Aw, hell. >so PG-13 had to do. Throughout the story you are given the idea RANMA: That we can dance naked in the streets with motor oil over our bodies and yell "Pen Pen rules the world!" *All glance at him strangely* What? JACK: Well, he does rule the world, I'll give you that. >of what James want's to see, so you might imagine them in your head. AMY: Aw, geez, do we really want to imagine them? RANMA: I don't know... I like Kodachi's better. *THWAP* JEFF: _No._ >Parents of little kiddies, read it ALL: That's not us; we can leave now! *Get up to leave, but a load of snow suddenly falls on them out of nowhere* MAGIC VOICE: And a merry f(BLEEP)cking Christmas to you too. SIDDOWN! >first (or skip to AMY: (Singing) My lou! Lou, lou, skip to my lou... >the ending) JACK: Wow, that was a fast fic. CAN WE LEAVE NOW? >and then make your judgement RANMA: (McDohl) I'll give you a Judgment right now! >:-) JEFF: You know, it looks evil with that symbol there. >Thanks to GolDlggeR for reminding me to change the rating and to warn >little kiddies. AMY: (Author) Yeah, I'm warning kids not to write fanfics... it rots your brains and turns you into a raving otaku. >-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- MAGIC VOICE: GYAH! Precal... midterm flashbacks... EEEEVIL! >Jessie's Pair MALES: *Big goofy grins* AMY: *Thwaps them each in the back of the head* Ranma, you have Kodachi; Jack, YOU'RE MARRIED... and Jeff, you've got me. ^_^ JEFF: Hee hee hee... *Slight nosebleed* >"Oh come on Jessie, please !! RANMA: (James) I wanna ride the pony! >Please just let me see them !" James pleaded. JEFF: What, James is in court now? JACK: (Mills Lane) You're guilty! I sentence you to time with ten PMSing women! JEFF: (James) Oh, God, no! The horror! >Jessie and James swiftly walked along a path in Viridian Forest, ALL: (Singing) We're on the road to Viridian City... >the dust swirling around Jessie's thigh-high leather boots RANMA: ... She seems a little like Kodachi, now that you mention it. KODACHI: (Over P.A.) I heard that, Ranma-sama! Ohohohohohohohoho! >under every footstep. As Jessie walked along the dusty path, she seductively >swayed her hips from side to side. MEN: GYAH! JACK: (Chanting) I'm not gonna be sick, I'm not gonna be sick... RANMA: (Chanting) Poor bastard James, poor bastard James, poor bastard James... >James held his hands together as if in prayer AMY: (James) Oh, please, Jessie-sama, please let me see! I'll worship you forever... JEFF: Not you too... -_-''' >whilst nearly crawling along the floor behind Jessie. JACK: You know, if floors form behind Jessie when she walks, I ought to have her redo the kitchen... the red isn't quite my style. OTHERS: ... JACK: What? I'm the one who does the cooking around here! >With her hands balled up into fists, AMY: (Jessie as Akane) Kojiro... no... BAKA!!!! >Jessie continued to walk along the footpath noticing all the shrubbery JACK: You will bring us... the shrubberies! *All men start chanting "ni" over and over* >all around her and the clear blue sky directly above her. RANMA: So she's Yuffie now? I can just see her pulling off "Clear Tranquil" or "All Creation". >It was then she decided to answer. ALL: 42! MAGIC VOICE: Gonna miss you, Douglas Adams. Good luck, wherever you are. >Without turning around to look at James, she began to speak. JEFF: She didn't need to turn around, because her head could rotate 360 degrees. >"James I know you want to see them, and I don't blame you AMY: (Jessie) They are perfect, and beautiful, and they could stop an ICBM from coming out of its silo, but... >but I just don't want to show them to you now ok ?" James stood upright JACK: And Private Ryan saluted his commanding officer. *THWAP* JEFF: Hentai baka. >and stopped dead in his tracks. RANMA: He's not dead yet! JACK: He's getting better! >"Why ?!" he asked. JACK: (James) Why am I, James, the great Moltres-type, denied the Frappuchino which I so righteously seek? WHY?!?!?!? *Fake sobbing* JEFF: ... It just keeps getting weirder here. >"I've got a headache. I don't feel like it right now." RANMA: (Jessie) That burrito I ate for lunch is coming back to bug me. >James had been bugging Jessie for about two weeks about her pair. James >had been imagining them but wanted to see them in real life. JACK: Yeah, the photos on the Internet just weren't enough. *WHACK* >Meowth had gone back to the Team Rocket headquarters to see if he could >get any more equipment for them to use AMY: ... This just screams Pokeporn. >in order to try to capture Pikachu again. JACK: You were saying? AMY: ... Shut up. >However, they didn't need equipment, they needed a freaking miracle. JEFF: That, or a nice jar of Marshmallow Cream. >James, this time, ran in front of Jessie and fell to his knees. JACK: (James) Jessie, please! I let _you_ see my package! *Notices Jeff reaching back to hit him* Not _that_ package, you hentai! >She stopped in her tracks and AMY: The tank that is Jessie targeted her HairSlap Cannon. >looked down towards James with a puzzled expression on her face. ALL: (Singing) Puzz-3D... it's goin' up! >"Oh come on Jessie please ! JACK: (James) You let me see them in so many other Pokemon fanfics! >You let Brock, Misty and the twerp see them ! And they're younger than me !" JEFF: And they know how to use punctuation marks correctly! >Jessie became slightly angry. RANMA: Yeah, right... at the very least, she's equal to an N^2 mine. >"I didn't let them see, they just saw ! AMY: (Singing) See-saw, see-saw, up and down, in the air and on the ground... JACK: ... That was random. >I had them out and suddenly they appeared in front of me !" RANMA: "And then it appeared out of nowhere." >Jessie remembered that day. JEFF: (Jessie) There was an incident with Giovanni... something about sending us to a satellite to view bad fanfiction if we screwed up again... >She was kneeling down at a stream, and she needed a rest. JACK: We were watching a fanfic, and we needed to sleep. >She had got her pair out RANMA: (Austin Powers) What smashing melons! AMY: Why, thank you! *Passes Ranma two cantaloupes from Hammerspace* MAGIC VOICE: Lord, people, get your minds out of the gutter. >when suddenly, JEFF: Out pooped Sailor Mercury! AMY: _Don't_ bring that up again. UNDERSTAND? JACK: (Whispering to Jeff) Trust me... she goes psycho. Think Quistis Trepe mixed with Tira and Chocolate Misu... then throw in a dash of Sephirothic cunning and the apparel of the Sailor Starlights. JEFF: ... ^_______^''' >on the other side of the small river were Ask, AMY: Jeeves? JACK: Me no more questions, tell me no more lies, the cows are in the barnyard, making chocolate pies. AMY: >.< Didn't need to know that. >Misty and Brock ! All Brock could say was, RANMA: (Brock) Duh huh huh... boobies... *THWAP* >"Wow, they're amazing !" JEFF: (Mike Myers) But since they're nae Scottish, they're CRAHP! JACK: (British) Craptacular! >and Ash came out with, AMY: Eminem. They then went off to Vermont and became life partners. >"They're so round !" Misty quickly slapped both of the boys round their >heads then pulled them away as Jessie got up and ran out of view. RANMA: (Jessie) Must... save honor! Must... not let kids see pair! >Jessie walked around James kneeling on the floor, and once again >continued to walk down the dusty path. ALL BUT AMY: (Singing) She's riding through the desert on a horse that's named James... AMY: ... That's just wrong. >She didn't know that James was getting this desperate. She knew he was >getting desperate, but not THIS desperate. RANMA: Heh, he shouldn't worry. I remember that he once got implants for some odd reason. >She had caught him trying to look a few times, but he just looked away. JEFF: Jeez, if he's that desperate, there's always the Internet. Even _he_ can get on that, right? >Even her boss back at the Team Rocket headquarters had asked Jessie to get AMY: Him a moon rock next time they blasted off. >them out. However, Jessie wasn't about to do that JACK: For she had a Pure Heart and didn't want to lose it. AMY: Hey, maybe the Daimons will go after her next time. JACK: If it stops more fanfics from being written, so be it. >even if it would get her promoted ! RANMA: From Team Rocket Grunt to Team Rocket Grunt Third Class. >James dived backwards and grabbed her foot. JEFF: ... One joke from you hentais and I go postal. >Jessie looked down at her foot to see James pleading. JEFF: For the fanfic to stop? >She gritted her teeth, growled and tried to walk. She pulled James along >the path with every step she took. JEFF: ... Can I sing a Sting and the Police song here? JACK: Not without being sued for copyright infringement. >"Wow," James thought as he was being dragged along the footpath. "She's >strong." RANMA: Why am I having horrible flashbacks to my days in the Tendo Dojo? >Again he started to beg. AMY: (Jessie) Good boy, James! Now sit up... good Jimmy! You want a Scooby Snack? Yes you do! JEFF: ... Okay, now I'm starting to get scared. >"Oh Jessie please let me see them ! JACK: (James) The Star Wars trilogy is supposed to be _so_ good! >Your pair are the best in the world. RANMA: All your pair are belong to us. JACK: You have no chance to glomp make your time. BOTH: (Eerie) Ha ha ha... >They're better than Sabrina's, Cassidy's, Nurse Joy's, Officer >Jenny's and even Erica's !" AMY: Shyeah, right... Jessie's Gundams can't possibly beat theirs. No way can Sandrock and Shenlong stand up to the new 5. >Jessie stopped in her tracks. JEFF: (Jessie) More coal for the engine! >James stood up in front of her again. AMY: (James, eerie) You are getting sleeeeepy... >"You really think so ?" Jessie asked. JACK: You really think that Xelloss is better than Gourry? What on earth makes him so _good_? XELLOSS: (Over P.A.) Sore wa, himitsu desu. ^~^ JACK: ... Damn that Magic Voice. MAGIC VOICE: Hey, it ain't my fault that the Mazoku has access to the P.A. system. >A small smile appeared on her face. RANMA: The tattoo artist swore, since he had missed her ass with his remote-tattoo gun. >"Of course Jessie ! They're the best in the world, ALL: (Singing) Like no one ever was... to catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause... >better than anyone else's." Jessie squealed with delight JEFF: (Hagrid) Meant ta turn her into a pig, but she was already so much like one there weren't much left ta do. >and hugged James. JACK: (Eerie) Happosai has possessed Jessie... >James smiled and blushed as he could feel how close he was to Jessie, and >how tight it was becoming in his trousers. ALL EXCEPT AMY: BLECH! JACK: We did _not_ need to know that, thanks. JEFF: Must keep eyes pure... must keep eyes pure... AMY: *Squints at the screen* He must be hiding a cucumber in there... there's no way he's _that_ big. >He could feel the firm pressure on his chest from Jessie. RANMA: (Weakly) And then her hug crushed his ribcage and punctured a lung. He then promptly died, the end. *Urks* That last bit was just wrong... >"Ahh James. What would I do without your kind compliments." JACK: Play Dark Twister with the Witches 5 and Professor Tomoe? TOMOE: (Over P.A., through big goofy grin) I got to feel boobies! ^_____^ AMY: And I remembered him as mature... *Sigh* Kaolinite must have done something to him again. >James could not answer that, JEFF: (Anne Robinson) James, you _are_ the Weakest Link. Goodbye! >but then again he didn't have to. AMY: Cause the school bell rang and he got to go home. >"For your kind generosity, I'll show you my pair" RANMA: Ah, dice. JACK: Shut up. >James screamed with delight. AMY: (James) I GOT A PLAYSTATION TWO! I GOT FINAL FANTASY TEN! ^__________^ >Slowly Jessie reached up to her short mini-top ready to let her pair come >out. JEFF: Insert cheap porno music here. RANMA: You wanna borrow my Spice Channel soundtrack? JEFF: ... >.< >With one quick movement, they were out free. JACK: (Singing) And the deer and the antelope pla~ay... >"What do you think ?" Jessie asked, slowly cupping them with her hands. RANMA: Five to one says he's gonna try to take a sip in a minute. JACK: (James) Hmm... needs a dash of cinnamon. Good thing there's a Starbucks down the street. >"Wow !" James replied. "They're amazing ! Better than I ever thought !" JEFF: (James) And after reading Chibi-Usa's Seventh Birthday, I kinda think bad of sex now. >James immediately grabbed Jessie's pair which made Jessie yelp with surprise. AMY: (Jessie as Akane) Kojiro... no... BAKA! *Produces maller from Hammerspace and slams Jack into the opposing wall. He falls out of the new Jack-shaped crater and gets back to his seat* JACK: Damn it all. RANMA: *Cringes in fear* Mallet baaaaaaad... crater baaaaaaaaad.... >Almost immediately he began acting like a little child with a now. JACK: So unwrap the now and see what your present is! ^_^ >"Imaging catching a Pokémon with these !" he exclaimed. AMY: It would certainly explain HM 05... RANMA: JESSIE learned FLASH! *Imitates fanfare* >James held Pokéball's in his hands that were light blue and white, >with diamond studs and a big "R" in the centre. These were a custom, >and amazing, set of Pokéballs. ALL: ... JEFF: Did he just say Pokeballs? JACK: At least it wasn't what we all thought they were. JEFF: What _did_ you think they were? JACK AND RANMA: *Whistle a little* AMY: Hentai bakas. -_-' You wonder why we don't get more visitors... >"Hey, hey be careful ! They are my prized possessions !" JACK: *Evil grin* She must own a nice set of Huge Balls, cause I know that James doesn't. >Jessie spoke out loud. James handed them back over to Jessie, still >staring at the Pokéballs. RANMA: Did you know they castrate Pokemon to make those things? *WHAP CLANG WATAK CRUCH SMASH BINK KA-BOOM!* >"When can I get a Pokéball like those ?" James eagerly asked. Jessie looked >at James and stood in a position as if waiting on a street corner. JEFF: (Jessie) Damn buses ... always running ten minutes late... some of us have to get to school, you know! >Her left arm hugged her bare stomach as her right hand gestured him JACK: With the California Welcome. RANMA: (10 o' Clock Assassin) "She kneels down between his legs and gave him the Rostal version of a 'Brentwood Hello.'" AMY: ... Did the fic just link to "Quit Pining Over Ifurita"? >to move forward. James moved forward as Jessie smoothly put both hands on >his face. JEFF: And promptly ripped it off to get to the soft, killable filling. >Seductively she spoke in his ear, "You can get a pair like mine when we..." JACK: Go to the hospital on Tuesday. The whole procedure'll be over in three days. *SMACK* >Then, Jessie screamed. "CATCH PIKACHU !" RANMA: Use the Super Rod in the Seafoam islands. You might get lucky. AMY: Hell, at this point, fishing for a Pikachu is better than going after those damn kids. >"YEOW !" James screamed as he backed off from Jessie. >"I'll see what I can do in getting you some," Jessie started. JACK: There are these organ banks we can rob... >"I might be able to get a deal in Viridian City !" RANMA: *Opens mouth* AMY: Anyone sings the Viridian City song and they _DIE_. RANMA: *Sulks* You're no fun. >James continued to rub his ear, "Thanks Jess." He said. JEFF: What's God doing in this fic? MAGIC VOICE: (God from "Holy Grail") What the hell? I thought I killed those kids ages ago! >"Aww, I'm sorry James." Jessie said as she slowly stroked his ear. AMY: Among other things... >Both Team Rocket members set back off down the dusty footpath en route >to Viridian City. Once again Jessie swayed her hips seductively. JACK AND RANMA: *Hum the cheesy porno music again* >As Jessie was walking down the path she suddenly had a thought. JEFF: (Jessie) To save, press /_\ and select Save from the menu, then select the location and file you wish to save to! >A vampish grin appeared on her face as she looked at James. JACK: So she's becoming Akasha now? >"James," She started. AMY: At GO with 2 five hundreds, 2 hundreds, 2 fifties, 6 twenties, 5 tens, 5 fives, and 5 ones. >"Yes Jessie ?" He answered. MAGIC VOICE: (God from Holy Grail) Damn kids... Taste divine lightning! *A bolt of lightning strikes Jack, frying him instantly into a pile of ashes* Whoops... REI: (Over P.A.) I told you not to use my copy of "Magic for Dummies!" Now stay away from my books! *Jack reforms into himself* Sorry about that. JEFF: ... Now I'm frickin' terrified. >"Can I see something of yours ?" As they disappeared beyond the hill, >a surprised "Yelp!" could be heard from James as well as the giggle from >Jessie. ALL: *Hum bad porno music* >The End. JACK: Of the road. JEFF: Of the fic. AMY: Of the playlist. RANMA: Of the day. Let's get out of here. *Exeunt all* (Reverse door sequence) (Scene: The usual - the bridge of the Senshi no Eisei. Anyways, Jack is sitting down with eggnog, which has been nogged, and most of the cast - sans Hotaru - is lounging around there. Rini's dressed as an elf - not the ones from LotR, but one of Santa's elves - and Setsuna is dressed as Santa, but the long green hair kinda kills the effect. Kodachi is dressed as a Mrs. Claus... if Mrs. Claus were in her twenties and in a Frederick's of Hollywood outfit.) JACK: So who did the tree this year? RINI: That'd be Puu. SETSUNA: Hey we wanted something tasteful, so I figured that a few lights here and there and some glass ornaments would be good. RANMA: And you were right. Anyone up for a snowball fight in the Holodeck? KODACHI: I love the cold snow, Ranma-sama... it makes my... *Whispers in Ranma's ear* ^___^ RANMA: *Dopey grin. Exits with Kodachi hanging off his arm* JACK: *Facefault* Anyways... hey, where's Hotaru? RINI: She said she wasn't feeling too good and went to bed a little while ago. JACK: Weird... she was feeling fine this morning... *Leaves* RINI: Aw, screw him! Where's the presents? ^_^ SETSUNA: -_-' JEFF: I got you a little something, Amy-chan... *Passes her a gift box. She opens it to reveal a sapphire pendant* AMY: It's beautiful! Put it on me... *Bats eyes, and Jeff clips the clasp around her neck and gazes adoringly at her* JEFF: ... Nope, you don't need it to look good... It's natural with you. AMY: ^_~ *Leans over and kisses Jeff. Setsuna escorts Rini out and leaves them alone* (Scene: Jack and Hotaru's bedroom. Hotaru's lying there in bed, framed by blankets, and looking very pale.) JACK: *Enters* Hey, honey. Rini told me that something was wrong... you okay? HOTARU: Not really... I've been feeling bad lately, and I thought that it was just the morning sickness again... but it was something else entirely. JACK: ... Morning sickness? HOTARU: My sweet baka. It's your Christmas present... I'm pregnant. JACK: *Eyes widen* Wow... What I got you isn't even going to compare with that... HOTARU: But the reason I'm worried isn't that... it's this... *Pulls the blankets away from her head to reveal her long hair... completely OOC with what she had a few days ago, which was her normal short style...* JACK: ... You don't think... HOTARU: It's impossible, since Serena cured me with the Ginzuishou ages ago... but I can't help but worry... JACK: There's no way... HOTARU: Come here. *Jack curls up next to her and embraces her* I'm just so scared... *Starts to sob and shake a little. Jack pulls her close* JACK: Don't worry, anata... If I had to, I'd give my health, my life, even my soul for you... *Smile* Come to think of it, I already have given my life for us twice. HOTARU: *Smiles through her tears. Jack kisses her forehead gently, then goes back to cradling her* (Scene: The bridge again. Amy and Jeff are in a passionate embrace.) AMY: You'll like what I got you for Christmas... *Pulls out package and passes it to Jeff... but the red button flashes...* Oh, _KUSO_! *Slaps the button* (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: And a merry f(BLEEP)cking Christmas to you two too. Did you enjoy the fic, Prince Neptune? (SnE) JEFF: It could have been worse, but the constant innuendo was really annoying me, and there were a few spelling and grammar errors that shouldn't have slipped by anyone. AMY: Yeah, I know... But after Wiseman's last fic, this wasn't so bad. (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: Then you'll be happy to know that I'm giving you the next two weeks off. Just my little Christmas present to you all. Oh, and tell my daughter that I love her. (SnE) AMY: Deal. (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: Oh, yes, there's one other thing... *Taps a button* (SnE) JEFF: What's - *PING* *Jeff vanishes in a flash of green light* AMY: What the hell? (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: His time on the Eisei was up. After all, we can't go letting guests become comfortable there, can we? (SnE) AMY: Damn you! (Mugen Gakuen) TOMOE: Yes, I'm damned, you're damned, we're all damned. Anyways... see you later, Sailorsenshi... *Hits button* (FWOOSH) \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ ----0---- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ ************************************************************************ AUTHOR'S NOTES Thank God that's out of the way. Anyways, people, I am _REALLY_ sorry for the delay in getting this out. Sumimasen to all of you. The reasons for its delay will be in the fic "The Story of The Screwed-Over Boy" which I will post in about a week along with a Cloud/Aeris songfic using "Thanatos". I had intended for Hotaru's pregnancy to be a birthday gift, i.e. it coming in an episode during April, but a Christmas child just seemed more appropriate somehow. ^_^ Hope you all don't mind. Lady Kat - you will begin your guest tenure starting in the fifth episode. These poor guys need some time alone on the Eisei to sort things out. Jeff, thanks for guesting, and check back again every now and again... you never know if the cast does callbacks. ^_~ As for me, I'm back to school, and I'm taking the SAT in March. BUT! Since I'm the only one graduating from my high school this year, I get to steal top honors - i.e. valedictorian and salutatorian - and if I so choose, I can go to the University of Texas in Austin on the Val/Sal scholarships and have my four years paid for! ^_^ Dunno if I should, though... Since I now have my laptop fixed, I can start to work on this series in class again, so expect me to pump out a little more here and there. I'll definitely increase the amount I put out on this series... ^_~ NEXT EPISODE: Jack copes with the consequences of Hotaru's pregnancy and her other... condition... whilst the crew is sent part of a _HUGE_ series by Hadisia Terwilliger! How can they suffer so? Tune in to the next episode of Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 to find out! Ja ne! Tuxedo Jack TuxedoJack@juno.com Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 1 - COMPLETE! (Except for Episode 7, but that'll be there soon) Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 2 - COMPLETE! (Thank God) Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 3 - IN PROGRESS - 10% done Schedule for Season 3 (Tentative): EPISODE 201: "'A Lesson in History' or 'The Story of the Yaoi Monkey'" by Avanent - COMPLETE, AND YOU GET THE ALTERNATE VERSION TOO! ^_^ WAI! EPISODE 202: "Jessie's Pair" by Steve - COMPLETE! EPISODE 203: "Too Long for the Tree House of Horror!" part 1 by Hadisia Terwilliger - COMING UP NEXT ON THE BAKA-OTAKU CHANNEL! EPISODE 204: "Digi-Paintball" by you-know-who (SELF-MST) EPISODE 205: "Reunions" part 4 by Blaine EPISODES 206 - 210: Unknown! Send me fics, URLs, anything! ^_^