"Talk to the doll; the man ain't listening." - Buddy's dad, "Charles in Charge" ************************************************************************ Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 120 *SPECIAL EPISODE! 1/2 OF SEASON FINALE!* FATAL FICS: "Memorial Day" by Stephen Ratliff and "The New Goddess" by Shinji Ikari the 10 o' Clock Assassin ************************************************************************ HERE I STAND AGAINST THE NIGHT... MY DISCLAIMER THE ONLY LIGHT: All Sailor Moon characters belong to Takeuchi-sama. All Ranma 1/2 characters belong to Takahashi-san. Tuxedo Jack belongs to me. The fics riffed herein belong to Shinji Ikari-san and Stephen Ratliff-san. I make no claim on them, and I certainly wouldn't, not even with a ten-foot clown pole. The riffing herein is meant as a humorous sideline to the story, and MST3K belongs to Best Brains. Also, why the heck am I typing another useless disclaimer? You can just look at the other parts to see it. Here's another useless fact for you: As far as I know, I'm the only (living) male on the planet who's done two authorized MSTings of Shinji lemons with the same MST cast. Thirdly, and by far most importantly... THIS MSTING CONTAINS LEMON CONTENT. THINK LEMONADE... AND THEN PURE LEMON JUICE... AND IT'S WAY MORE SOUR THAN THAT. THINK OSCAR-CALIBER. *Shudder* YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ THE SECOND SECTION IF YOU'RE "against Belldandy having a little something extra under her hood". AND I QUOTE. ************************************************************************ In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere past Vega Prime, The SoS and its nine riffers Continue their chase through time! Pursued by the villain who's called Wiseman (Despite the fact that he likes raw Spam) He's serious about stealing the Ginzuishou So he's sending them cheesy fanfics That he scraped off his shoes! (SETSUNA: These guns aren't going to man themselves!) (Wiseman) I'm sending two more fanfics, A lemon and some Star Trek, (la la la) They'll give me that Ginzuishou Or I'll send them all to Heck! (la la la) Now keep in mind that Wiseman's sent Attack droids, which is quite cold, (la la la) So they're going to have to beat them back And pray their defenses hold! SENSHI ROLL CALL! Setsuna! (Someone man the guns!) Hotaru! (I've got the weapons!) Teenage Rini! (Why is he still calling me that? They _know_ I'm seventeen!) Amy! (Crap! Here come the droids!) If you're wondering how they'll eat and sleep, And other science facts, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "Get to a gun, And I can't sit back and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! *Twang* ************************************************************************ (Scene: Gun turret on SoS. Jack and Nephrite are sitting there, tinkering with the circuitry.) NEPHRITE: *Notices camera* Hey, guys. Welcome to the Satellite of Senshi. Looks like you've taken a rather inauspicious time to join us, since we're preparing for a fight with Wiseman's fleet of battle droids. JACK: Yeah, they're gonna drop out of warp onto us in about... *Checks watch* 20 hours. In the meantime, we're getting our guns and shields working. NEPHRITE: Hey, Jack, that reminds me. Remember what I said about getting you five home? JACK: Yeah, why? *Melts circuit* DAMMIT! That's hot! *Drops wire* NEPHRITE: Here's hoping this works... (To air) Computer, Admiral Nephrite. Confirm voiceprint identity. COMPUTER: Identity confirmed. Nephrite, Admiral recognized. Waiting for command. JACK: What the hell are you doing? NEPHRITE: Authorize change of command. Admiral Beryl killed in unknown accident eight months ago. COMPUTER: Cause of death? NEPHRITE: *Glances at Jack* Electrocution. COMPUTER: Scanning NegaCave for lifesigns... none found. Under command rules, Admiral, you now command the Eisei no Senshi. Waiting for command. JACK: I don't believe it... NEPHRITE: Drop anti-teleportational field. COMPUTER: Unable to comply. NEPHRITE: Damn. Specify. COMPUTER: Shield controls are encrypted and cannot be accessed. NEPHRITE: Damn Jadeite. Well, then, computer, set a course for Earth. COMPUTER: Unable to comply. NEPHRITE: Computer, I am in command! Comply! COMPUTER: Unable to comply due to damage. Engines are damaged due to Improbability Field. Damage was never repaired. JACK: Damn... that was back when Beryl sent "Fit to be Tied". Looks like someone's gonna have to EVA to fix it. NEPHRITE: Not yet. Computer, deencrypt controls for anti-teleportational shield. COMPUTER: Working. Estimated time remaining: eighteen hours, thirty minutes. Droid fleet arrival in: nineteen hours, forty-five minutes. NEPHRITE: Here's my wedding present. A little late, of course, but better late than never. JACK: I could kiss you if it works. NEPHRITE: ... *Points to camera* JACK: *Face pales* Hotaru, honey, you know what I mean... aw, crap. There's no way I'm coming out of this smelling like a rose. (Scene change: SoS gunnery well on the bottom of the Satellite. Hotaru and Kodachi are rigging up the other gunwell.) KODACHI: This is the trigger? HOTARU: Yeah. Just press it, and the quad lasers'll do their job. KODACHI: Excellent! All enemies shall fall before the Black Rose of the Eisei no Senshi, Kodachi Kuno, and her Ranma-sama! Oh, hohohohohohohohohoho!!!!! HOTARU: Sure... *Notices camera* Oh, hey, guys. How you doing? I'm here with Kodachi, trying to teach her how to use the gunwell, but I think she's got the matter well in hand. KODACHI: Yeeeee-ha! *Fires blasts into space at nothing* HOTARU: Then again... *Screaming is heard, along with a falling Senshi. The new girl falls down into the gunwell, knocking Kodachi out of the gunner's chair and into Hotaru* NEW SENSHI: What... the _hell_... was that? HOTARU: This is rather odd.. who are you? NEW SENSHI: Hotaru? Oh, damn... *Looks at wrists* DAMN THAT WISEMAN!!! HE STOLE MY BRACELETS!!! I'LL KILL HIM!!! *The new Senshi dashes out of the room with Hotaru and Kodachi hot on her heels* (Scene change: SoS armory. Ranma, Naru, Setsuna, and Amy are rigging up the various EVAs, Gundams, and such that acted as doors to fight as robots and deal with the Droids.) SETSUNA: Amy, how're you coming with EVA-01? AMY: (Muffled) Okay, but we need a pilot for this! It's part organic, and needs a synchronized pilot... *Slides out from under it* The armor and positron rifles are up and running, though. SETSUNA: Ranma? Gundam 01? RANMA: It's in good shape. We can use it and the Buster Rifle to beat off the droids, and if it can pull the super move it did in "Endless Duel", there's no way that they can win! SETSUNA: Excellent! Naru? NARU: The short-range stuff is ready. I've got two runabouts ready to drop subspace mines whenever you want. SETSUNA: Launch them. I'm going to finish up with the Shenlong and then start on Heavyarms. RANMA: Lemme be the pilot of EVA-1. With my martial arts, there's no way we can lose! SETSUNA: *Thinks for a moment* The KatsuTenshin Amaguriken _would_ be nice... Okay, Ranma, get a plugsuit and start practicing syncing with it. *Tweaks one last system into working* There. Shenlong's done. Can we rig up Nephrite's Ferrari somehow? NARU: He'd kill us, but we'll try. SETSUNA: Good. Better he kill us than the droids. ************************************************************************ (Two hours later, on the bridge...) NEW SENSHI: Hoo, boy... if she found out who I was, there'd be hell to pay. SETSUNA: So, Sailor _Janus_, just how are you? JANUS: Aaaaaaah! Don't say my name here! HOTARU: *Looks up from coffee slowly* What did you just say? SETSUNA: ^_^ Nothing! JANUS: Oh, man... HOTARU: *Leaps at Sailor Janus and tries to throttle her* YOU! You ruined my wedding! JANUS: (Through gasps for air) What... are you... talking about?!? HOTARU: Don't play innocent with me, missy! Your damn fanfics - FIVE of them, as a matter of fact - got sent up here the day I married Jack! AND IT'S ALL... YOUR... FAULT!!!!! JACK: (To Setsuna) Should we stop her? JANUS: (Overhears Jack) Yes! YES! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YES! SETSUNA: She _is_ an author, but she's a Senshi too. JACK: Okay, then... *Pulls Hotaru off Janus and sits her down* JANUS: I have a question... has anyone found my bracelets? Without them, we've kinda got a problem. SETSUNA: What kind of problem? JANUS: The bracelets regulate my power and personalities. Without them, I become extremely powerful, and my personalities squabble to become dominant... but right now, don't worry - this is the friendly one. AMY: And the mean one? JANUS: Remember my fanfics? AMY: Yeah... JANUS: That's the personality who wrote them. OTHERS: *Shudder* SETSUNA: So who's going in to riff the fic? NEPHRITE: I can do more good from out here. Remember, I command the place now, and maybe I can get the computer to help out somehow. SETSUNA: So Nephrite's out, and Ranma's busy doing sync tests... KODACHI: Oh, hohohohohohohohohoho! I will show this wretched fanfic the terror it so richly deserves from the Black Rose! SETSUNA: Kodachi, go practice with the guns. KODACHI: YES! *Bounds off* NARU: Remember what Magic Voice said? I'm never going in. JACK: That's true... looks like it's us five originals then. JANUS: Don't forget about me! JACK: Don't worry. It's the first time an author's gonna suffer what we went through. *Sees the red button flashing* And it seems that Numemon's calling. *Hits it* (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: My fleet is going to hit in fifteen hours. This is your last chance. Give me the Ginzuishou, and I'll call it off. Otherwise, you're dead. (SoS) JACK: (Dark) Bring it on, boney-boy. SETSUNA: We beat you before, and we'll do it again. HOTARU: How bad can you be? RINI: Trust me, this guy's a pain in the ass. AMY: Literally, from the looks of him... *Snicker* JANUS: *Dashes up to screen, begins pounding on it* DAMN YOU, WISEMAN!!! GIVE ME BACK MY BRACELETS!!! (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: Ah, I see that the guest has arrived. Senshi, (snobby) other people, (normal) meet Sailor Janus, the cause of so much suffering on the Satellite. She's going to spend some time with you all! (Menacing) And I expect her back alive. (SoS) HOTARU: Aww... JANUS: *Turns around and sees that Hotaru had been sneaking up on her with the Silence Glaive* GYAAAAH! Get me out of here, you sick bastard! I'll kill you! I'll take that bone and jam it up your stinking - (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: Temper, temper, my dear. To pass the time until your imminent destruction, I'm sending you not one, but _two_ fics! And to make matters worse, the authors are two of the most infamous in all history - Shinji Ikari - (SoS) JACK: Feh. We've beaten him before. (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: And Stephen Ratliff. (SoS) JACK: *Facefault* HOTARU: NANINANINANI?!?!? SETSUNA: Omae o korosu, Wiseman... AMY: At least the droids'll die. RINI: That's not to say we won't. JANUS: Oh, dear God... (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: Then into the theater with you! *Slaps button* (SoS) JACK: Great. Just great. *Lights flash, klaxons blare, nothing to see here, move along, move along* We've got RATLIFF SIIIIIGN!!! (Door sequence 20.1) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: A sealed door a la Chrono Trigger. Hotaru holds up the Silence Glaive, and it opens. Door 4: Lavos. Jack and Hotaru team together, direct their combined attack at its head, and fry it. Jack picks up a small sheet of paper it drops, and you pass through the shell. Door 3: The Enterprise-D's battle bridge. You pass by the surprised Picard and exit. Door 2: Mickey Mouse. Everyone teams up for an attack and incinerates him. Door 1: Asuka and Rei. Setsuna tells them to get suited up and they go down to the Armory. (SoS Theater. Seating order: Rini, Hotaru, Jack, Sailor Janus, Setsuna, Amy.) SETSUNA: We can make it through the Shinji, that I know, but the Ratliff? JACK: He's not that bad, but expect Marrissa. JANUS: Marrissa? HERE? Oh, gods, no! >Title: Memorial Day JACK: The day we honor memorials. >Author: Stephen Ratliff SETSUNA: Tell us something we didn't know. >Series: TNG, HOTARU: The Nerdy Guys. RINI: Think Nude Guys. SETSUNA: That's Not Good. JANUS: Oh, for God's sake... *Eyes flash* What am I doing here? This isn't my home. JACK: um... I take it you're Sailor Janus' alternate personality? JANUS: NO! _I_ am Sailor Janus. That other one is the weakling Deirdre. She is not fit to be called by the name Janus. SETSUNA: Umm... okay... JANUS: Why am I here, in the pit where I sent my fanfics to? HOTARU: (To self) Must... resist... urge... to... kill... (Normal) Ask Wiseman. He's the one who sent you here. JANUS: And he took my bracelets, too... I must remember to kill him later. RINI: Get in line, lady. >Marrissa Stories AMY: Rejects from Mother Goose and Grimm's tales. >Time: right after the loss of the Enterprise-D HOTARU: (Picard) Damn! And to think that I thought that I could beat a Ferengi in poker... here's your ship, Lobe. >Marrissa stepped of the shuttle with the rest of the former >Enterprise's Command Crew. AMY: (Marrissa) Gotta pee, gotta pee... JANUS: Disgusting! JACK: (Marrissa) Sitting in that shuttle for eight hours... and with little kids, too! ARRRRGH!!! >They stood to the side as the coffin was taken out, saluting the >honor of the fourth Captain of the original Enterprise, James T. Kirk, SETSUNA: Hmm... if memory serves, though, Kirk was the third captain of the Enterprise, after April and Pike. HOTARU: Why'd you buy that book, anyway? "Star Trek: Memories"... geez. >about to take his place among the honored dead in Star Fleet's cemetery >over looking San Pablo Bay. JACK: The dishonored dead were recycled and turned into potting soil for Starfleet's window boxes. JANUS: (Exact Marrissa) INFIDEL! I shall smite you! *Eyes flash* Oh, dear. Did I do anything... odd? JACK: Except acting a tad like Beryl, no. Why? JANUS: Oh, good. >Then they took their place in the precession towards the >soon to be empty no longer tomb of Star Fleet's greatest hero. AMY: I thought it was the inanimate carbon rod in the warp core! Greatest hero, my butt... >It was a ceremony of mostly empty speeches, devoid of any >real content or feeling. JANUS: Rei and Spock would love each other. SETSUNA: For some strange, crazy reason, I'm gonna agree with you here. >Here, some seventy years after his disappearance, few of his >contemporaries remained, and many of those were in such poor health >that they could not make it to the grave site. RINI: (Old guy in wheelchair) Aw, crap! Mountains! *Imitates falling* Aw, craaaaaaaaa - (voice fades out) aaaaaap! *Imitates splat* >Only Admiral Pavel Chekov represented Kirk's command >crews here, and he chose to make his remarks brief, SETSUNA: Not boxers. >stating that "no words can adequately convey the adventures and >importance of the man, JACK: (Chekov) Except for four-letter words, and there are kids present, so I'll keep silent. >so my silent prescience AMY: How can knowledge be silent? RINI: Something you should ask yourself sometime. AMY: *Fumes* Shut up. >and gratitude for all Captain James T. Kirk did for me, will have >to do." HOTARU: (Chekov) But I'd rather have coarse sea salt, that way I can make gazpacho. >By the time taps played, the collar of Marrissa's dress >uniform was really bothering the young Lieutenant junior grade. JANUS: (Marrissa as Shatner) Must... resist Starfleet stereotype... must... not tug collar... into more... comfortable... position! >Still, she stood at attention, ramrod straight, AMY: *Looks at Jack's "Netherlands"* Much like Jack over there. JACK: HEY!!! AMY: *Snicker* JACK: What are _you_ looking at my crotch for, anyway? AMY: I was looking for something that I could classify as a microorganism - and I think I found three. JACK: *Facefault* >as Kirk's coffin was lowered into the tomb below the statue of Kirk >seated in his original command chair. SETSUNA: With a model of Kirk on either side of the Kirk in the command chair and a Kirk in each model Kirk's hand. >Soon the ceremony was over, but for Marrissa, she had >another stop to make. JACK: The bathroom. RINI: (Marrissa) Eight hours on a shuttle really takes it out of you. >Two small bundles of white chrysanthemums in her hands, she made her way >across the field, past row upon row of honored dead, JACK: And the dishonored... HOTARU: Shush, you. >almost 300 years of Star Fleet's honored dead JACK: MMMPH!!! Must... resist... HOTARU: I said quiet! *French* SETSUNA: *Jaw drops* RINI: Gya... gya... gyah... AMY: Not in the theater, for God's sake! JANUS: Why am I not surprised? *Smirk* >that had chosen to be buried planet side. Finally, she came AMY: Whoa, a Ratliff lemon? That's a _sick_ idea. SETSUNA: *Composes herself* It's been done. >to the row she was seeking. Tears in her eyes, she placed the >flowers on her parent's graves. >She read the inscriptions, before her tears could obscure >her vision. RINI: I think it reads... "We are dead and you are not; you look good while our bodies are shot." >"George Earl Flores, 2340-2370, Security Officer, >USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D, husband and father. SETSUNA: Smelt of elderberries. >Margaret Dawson Flores, 2341-2370, Security Officer, USS Enterprise >NCC-1701-D, wife and mother." AMY: Was a hamster. >As tears ran down Marrissa's face, they washed away the RINI: Dust and grime. *Looks at Hotaru and Jack* Hey! Go get a room or quit it! JACK: *Breaks kiss* Big baby. *Pulls Hotaru into his lap* >image of Lieutenant Marrissa Picard, Star Fleet Officer, leaving >behind only Marrissa Flores, a girl who had lost her parents >barely a year before. HOTARU: ... JACK: I know, darling. Here. *Holds her close* JANUS: *Eyes flash* Remind me to write another fanfic where that little b(BLEEP)tch dies. JACK: *Eye twitches* HOTARU: *Tears gone* What did you call me? JANUS: I said you were a b(BLEEP)tch. Why? HOTARU: *Aura flares* That is intolerable. You've already killed me once in your fics - I'm not going to let it happen again! JANUS: Try and stop me, pathetic weakling! HOTARU: With PLEASURE! SATURN PLANET POWER! *Transforms to Sailor Saturn* I'm Sailor Saturn, and I do not tolerate being called a bitch! In the name of Saturn, I will right this wrong and punish the evil, and that means you! *Points a la Sailor Moon and glows brighter* JANUS: Uh... no. *Fires a ki blast that snips off a lock of Saturn's hair* JACK: NANI?!? SETSUNA: That violates the laws of anime! JANUS: *Sneer* I'm an author, not anime. MAGIC VOICE: A-hem. HOTARU AND JANUS: YOU KEEP OUTTA THIS! MAGIC VOICE: (Quietly) Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. HOTARU: *Glows incredibly bright* How DARE you call me a bitch and cut my hair?!? I will avenge that insult! SATURNIAN DARKNESS IMMOLATION! *A gigantic wave of darkness surrounds Hotaru, spins, and strikes Janus, who flies back into her chair, nearly unconscious* SETSUNA: Gyaah... looks like someone just got her super attack. HOTARU: So tired... JACK: Come here, Hotaru. JANUS: *Eyes flash* Oh my God, what happened? JACK: Your alter ego went psycho on us. JANUS: Sorry, man. Without the bracelets, I can't control her! >Quiet sobs came from the barely teenage girl as she remembered her >parents. HOTARU: *Climbs back into Jack's lap* I miss my Souichi-papa and mama. *Sniffle* JACK: I'd have loved to have met him. JANUS: *Eyes flash* So would I. *Eyes flash again, and she's back to nice* >How her father always called her 'Princess' and always had >time for her. The swordsmanship lessons she'd demanded from him. SETSUNA: Yeesh! Marrissa with a sword! RINI: (Marrissa) Taste cold steel, INFIDEL! >He always said he was amazed a how quickly she'd grasped each new >technic. AMY: I never knew that Marrissa liked old, dicontinued Lego sets! >And how proud he was of her when she brought home her >good grades. Tears flowed. JACK: (Thinking) Souichi, if only you knew... you'd be proud of her. >How her mother helped Marrissa through her first period, and >the problems it caused. RINI: Heh heh heh... that _really_ caused me problems. Thanks, Puu. JANUS: *Sweatdrop* HOTARU: I had Setsuna to help me through, too. SETSUNA: What is this, "Remind Setsuna of the embarrassing moments" day? We're about to fight for our lives here! >And the cooking lessons, that Marrissa never seemed to grasp, but her >mother never seemed to mind the disasters in the family kitchen. AMY: (Marrissa's mother) Hum de dum de dum... oh, Marrissa! Would you get the fire extinguisher and call the contractors? You know, the ones that gave us the volume discount? That's a good girl! >So much of it was missed by the young girl, now kneeling >before her parent's grave. JACK: How can she have those memories if she wasn't there? >Suddenly she felt a comforting hand on her shoulder. It was Counselor >Troi. Marrissa sniffled, trying to bring her emotions back under control. SETSUNA: Hotaru, do you... HOTARU: (Through sniffles) No, I'm okay... >"It's okay, Marrissa," Troi said. "Let it go." RINI: (Troi) You can't keep that anatomically correct doll of Wesley forever... *BONK* Oww! Puu! SETSUNA: This is actually a pretty good story. I'm not going to tolerate hentai jokes here. Got it? >Marrissa clung to Troi, crying into Troi's uniform. Troi >held the young girl in an comforting embrace, before the graves. >The cleansing tears darkened Troi's uniform, in the midst of the >rows upon rows of Star Fleet's fallen. In the distance, stood JACK: Marle, Lucca, and Magus, trying to use the Chrono Trigger to bring Crono back to life. JANUS: However, Death Peak was about one dimension away, and so Crono stayed in the cemetery. >each member of the Enterprise's Command team, each alone with >their own fallen friends and family, HOTARU: (Urkel) I've fallen and I can't get up! >some paths of remembrance fresh, and others well worn. >Together they mourned those that had given their lives for >the Federation on this Memorial Day. Over the field of heroes, >the strains of "Taps" still echoed. JACK: Next to the Star Trek theme, I'd guess that that's the most often- heard music in all Starfleet. SETSUNA: Shall we? HOTARU: Let's. *Exit all* (Reverse Door Sequence) (Scene: A dark room in the SoS that we've not seen before. The Senshi are sitting at the compass points in it, and Jack is in the center. Kodachi is opposite Naru, and Ranma is opposite Nephrite. The last four are at NW, SW, NE, and SE respectively.) JACK: We've only got one chance here. Can we do this and do it right? SETSUNA: I've only tried only one other summoning, and it wasn't quite right. AMY: We're in the right positions, and we've got to do this - otherwise, we can't beat Wiseman. NEPHRITE: Then let's do this... and hope to God we get it right. JACK: Here goes! *Looks at book* We, the victims of injustice, seek that which is lost! We seek justice, we seek peace, we seek to live! SETSUNA: I, Setsuna, princess, guardian, and Senshi of Pluto, call forth Heero Yuy, master of weapons, to aid us! AMY: I, Amy, princess, guardian, and Senshi of Mercury, call forth Chang Wufei, master of combat, to aid us! HOTARU: I, Hotaru, princess, guardian, and Senshi of Saturn, call forth Shinigami, God of Death, to aid us! RINI: I, Rini, princess, guardian, and Senshi of the Moon, call forth Masaki Tenchi, the fusion of Heaven and Earth, to aid us! NEPHRITE: I, Nephrite, companion of stars, call forth the goddess of knowledge, Skuld, to aid us! NARU: I, Naru, lovestruck child, call forth the goddess of Love, Urd, to aid us! RANMA: I, Ranma, master of combat, call forth Quatre Winner, master of war, to aid us! KODACHI: I, Kodachi, mistress of combat, call forth Trowa Barton, master of arms, to aid us! JACK: I, Jack, prince, guardian, and defender of the Eisei no Senshi, call forth the holy powers of light to aid us! SETSUNA: We seek defense! HOTARU: We seek justice! RINI: We seek goodness! AMY: We seek peace! JACK: Hear our plea! *Sits for a few moments* That ought to do it. If it worked, they're down in the armory, suiting up and prepping their Gundams. SETSUNA: And Rei and Asuka? RANMA: We're gonna get ready now. With any luck, we'll beat those damn droids yet. *Exit all* (Scene: SoS bridge. Jack and Hotaru are sitting there with Setsuna.) SETSUNA: The camera's still on. JACK: Damn. Looks like Wiseman means business this time. HOTARU: Souichi-papa... SETSUNA: You never know, Hotaru. The way things have been going, he might just show up if we beat Wiseman. HOTARU: I hope so. Maybe this time we can defeat Destiny and keep him. SETSUNA: Hotaru, we can't toy with fate. Believe me, we've all tried. *Small smile* HOTARU: _You_ tried to mess with Destiny? SETSUNA: You'd be surprised what did for what I thought was love. JANUS: *Eyes flash* Love. Bah! What good does it do? *Notices the red button flashing* JACK! Answer that button, you insignificant peon! JACK: (Grumbling) Damn alternate personalities... *Hits the button* (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: Last chance, kids. The Ginzuishou for your lives. (SoS) JACK: Again, kusotare, not a chance. You want it, come and get it. JANUS: Hey, Wiseman, I'll give you the Ginzuishou if you get me off this Satellite and give me back me bracelets. JACK: WHAT?!?!? (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: *Snarls* With pleasure! *Hits the button* (SoS) JANUS: I must get that Ginzuishou out of the child! SETSUNA: Hotaru, Jack, grab her! *They all catch Janus and drag her behind them* COMPUTER: Ten hours until droid fleet arrives. SETSUNA: We'll be ready for you by then, Wiseman. HOTARU: But in the meantime... *Lights flash, klaxons blare* We've got SHINJI SIIIIGN!!! (Door sequence 20.2) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door! Wow! Amazing! (What, you were expecting something else?) Door 5: A large vat of Pantene Pro-V. PenPen is seen swimming in it. You inch around it and scoot ahead... Door 4: A six-pack of Yebisu. You pick it up and continue on. Door 3: A U-haul van. You hop in the back for the ride to... Door 2: Miyu and Larva. They're battling the Shinma Vespa, so you run away and eventually find... Door 1: A garden-variety youma. You nuke it and enter the theater. (SoS Theater. Seating order: Hotaru, Jack, Sailor Janus, Setsuna.) JANUS: Let go of me! Let go of me, I say! *Flails at them* SETSUNA: Okay. *They drop Janus into a seat* JANUS: Fools! *Rushes to a door and starts pounding. She stops after a moment and returns to her seat* Damn that Wiseman... I'll kill him... JACK: We all want to, lady, but who's gonna? JANUS: I will! *Eyes flash* Oh, God... I'm sorry... JACK: Feh, forget about it. >From: "Tyree (10 o'Clock)" >Subject: [AMG][FanFic][Lemon] HOTARU: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Did it just say what I thought it said? JANUS: What, FanFic? HOTARU: No, Lemon. JANUS: *Backtracks* Shimatta! >The New Goddess JACK: Brand spanking new Goddesses! SETSUNA: In Urd's case, that's quite probably true. HOTARU: Nani? Setsuna-mama, hentai from you? SETSUNA: We need one designated hentai in the theater; why not me? >Shinji Ikari/10 o'Clock Assassin/Purge Raizah >Loyal Soldier on Rolento's Evil Mission, JANUS: To make Pat Buchanan President, Mihoshi Secretary of State, Michael Jackson Secretary of HHS, and Ayla Secretary of Education. JACK: And then there's Part of the Yagami Team, Admirerer of Izumi Maki, 2D Fighting Genre >Video Game Addict SETSUNA: That reminds me, did we ever get the Street Fighter 2 machine working? HOTARU: I've tried, but the parts are burned out. JACK: (Deep Voice) In the year A.C. 195, the video game "Gundam Wing - Endless Duel" was created, and the fangirls were happy. JANUS: Quatre... *Drool* >Anti-Stotokan Scrub Dispencer, Loyal But Picky Anime Fan, >And All Around By The Book Guy. JANUS: Yeah, especially since he's called himself the anti-mainstream man. >WARNING: This fanfic contains sex! SETSUNA: As if we didn't know! JANUS: Let's set up a betting pool. I'll lay five bucks that Keiichi gets some. JACK: Fifty on Urd. HOTARU: Ten-to-one on Belldandy? *Janus nods* Then here's fifty. >Reader's discretion is strongly advised. JACK: (Shinji) I am not responsible for damage to eyes, mind, or wrists. >************ JANUS: Hey, Nephrite's Star Whip! SETSUNA: Yeah... I can really see Naru wielding it and screaming, "Call me QUEEN!!!" JACK: *Snicker* >#Oh My Goddess!# HOTARU: They killed Keiichi! OTHERS: (Kyle) You bastards! >"The New Goddess" JACK: With fresh pine scent! >************ SETSUNA: A 12-star dildo... *Drools* JANUS: *Eyes flash* Sickening woman. She can't even control herself. >"Bell-chan..." JACK: (Keiichi) Get me outta this fanfic! For the love of God, GET ME OUTTA HERE!!! (Normal Keiichi) Oh, wait... I'm about to score. Why should I leave? SETSUNA: Because it's a Shinji Ikari lemon, and anything can - and often does - happen. >"Kei-san..." >Urd is in her bedroom HOTARU: Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, saynomore, saynomore! JANUS: Impudent child! *SLAP* HOTARU: HEY! JACK: Hands off, lady! >trying to watch the afternoon soap opera when the sudden sound of the >umpthousandth K-Bell sex scene ensues. JACK: Hey, Janus, pay up. JANUS: Bite me. *Eyes flash* Oh, dear, I'm so sorry. >Urd: [Damn! Can't I watch a little TV in peace?] SETSUNA: This is the world of fanfiction. Are we _ever_ going to get peace? >Keiichi moans loudly as his equally passionate lover takes the tip >of his member into her mouth. HOTARU: (Guy from Sam's Club) Welcome to Belldandy's Mouth! Can I see your membership card? >She massages it with her tongue, coaxing >him to fill her mouth with the essence of his manhood. JACK: (Deep voice) Brut - the essence of manhood. >He doesn't disappoint as his cock shoots off into Belldandy's mouth. JACK: "Scary Movie" flashbacks... hee hee hee... JANUS: I didn't need to hear that, thanks. >This pleases the beautiful goddess as she continues to play with his >balls SETSUNA: FORE! *Pretends to hit a golf swing* JACK: ~_~ JANUS: Time to play soccer! *Kicks around a little* JACK: O~O HOTARU: Who wants to play basketball? JACK: STOP THAT!!! >and suck the remnants of his stickiness from his cock. >Bell: Kei-san... HOTARU: (Belldandy) I'm really a lesbian. >Kei: Yes, my love...? SETSUNA: (Keiichi) And I'm gay. HOTARU: (Bell) Then how did we get into this situation? SETSUNA: Apparently, Beryl sent us all up to a big satellite... JANUS: I don't quite think she meant that. >Bell: It's your turn now. >Kei: Okay. Here I go... ALL: (Mario) Okey, dokie, here we go! >Feeling a little relaxed now, Keiichi gets up from the mattress and >lays Belldandy where he was. JACK: (Belldandy) Ewwww! Keiichi-san, it's all sticky and moist! >He then licks on one of her regular sized breasts whilst playing with the >other. HOTARU: (Noel from "Frasier) All hail Urdalinda, the quadruple-breasted queen of the planet Urdniak! >He then kisses her sweatly in the mouth JANUS: Disgusting! JACK: Uh... have you shifted personalities again? JANUS: No! I was referring to... oh, hell. If you don't get it now, you'll never get it. >as his hand moves downward to her crotch and massages her... HOTARU: LET THE HENTAI BEGIN!!! >Urd: KEIICHI!! JANUS: (Urd) YOU SEE DEAD PEOPLE! JACK: (Keiichi) Really? Then that explains Jim Belushi over there in the corner rooting me on and Oscar up on the ceiling giggling. MAGIC VOICE: Little do you know... >Kei: WAAAHH!! Urd! SETSUNA: *Sips at a glass of Hammerspace label white wine* Not bad... I never knew that Urd would want to join Keiichi and Belldandy. HOTARU: ... With the not bad, you mean the situation or the wine? >Bell: What is it, Urd-san? What's wrong? JANUS: (Urd) I can't hear my po - soap operas. Can you turn it down a bit?!? JACK: (Urd) I was wondering if either of you knew where the whipped cream and chocolate sauce were... OH MY GOD!!! >Urd: Gee. Let's see... Let's just say that... If I look up "sex" in the > dictionary, I'd probably find the picture of you two having it. SETSUNA: And 10 o' Clock in there as "lemon writer". >Kei: Don't be so mad, Urd! JACK: (Keiichi) We haven't used your sprinkles or Hershey Kisses yet! HOTARU: (Belldandy) And we'll even give back the bottle of Jack Daniels! >I'll give you some, too! ALL: *Facefault* >Bell: That's right. You can join us and we can all have sex. SETSUNA: Methinks Sakura's missing the Twin card. JACK: (Li Syaoran) *Holds up the Twin Card* Menage a trois? HOTARU: JACK! Where did you get that?!? JACK: I found it next to one of the doors. And it's not the Twin Card that's gone, it's the "Uncontrollable Sex-filled Lemon" Card. JANUS: I prefer cherry-filled donuts to lemon-filled ones. JACK: ... That was random... >Urd: No-no-no-no-no. HOTARU: (Soup Nazi) Soup for you! Come back, one year! >I'm not mad about that. I'm just mad because... SETSUNA: (Urd) You took my whipped cream and didn't leave me any for my "float"! >You two have been having sex all this time... JANUS: Someone after Jack's heart. JACK: Do I make hentai riffs involving you? JANUS: I'm not sure. JACK: ... Screw it. I can't win. >Even though... It's not physically possible. HOTARU: *Bites her teeth together* JACK: *Wince* SETSUNA: *Imitates Sasami or Kasumi chopping away at a cucumber* JACK: ... That's really disturbing... JANUS: *Eyes flash* I don't know. I find it rather humorous, weenie man. >Keiichi had known this too well. JACK: (Godfather) He must be killed. >Once an underdog ALL: *Hum the Underdog theme* >at the NIT RINI: National Institute of Ti... HOTARU: Don't even _THINK_ about finishing that sentence. >Tech Motorcycle Club, a seemingly innocent call to a 24H JACK: *Doubletake* Damn! Those're _HUGE_!!! *WA-TAK* >take-out restaurant turned out to be a night spent with a luxurious goddess. >Too bad he wasn't prepared for it. For when he was asked what to wish for, >Belldandy could see in his eyes what it was that he wanted. HOTARU: Natto! SETSUNA: Cockroaches! JANUS: A way off this godforsaken pit of hell and onto Maui. >Soon, instinct gave way to logic. JACK: (Instinct) AAAAAHHH!!!! RUN!!! SPOCK'S COMING!!! SETSUNA: (Spock) This is highly illogical. >But in a horrible twist of fate, reality gave way to instinct. ALL: (Muted trumpet) Wah wah waaaaaah... >There are things that can be said about Keiichi, though. JANUS: He's a fool, *Eyes flash* sweet, *eyes flash* a scatterbrained idiot, *Eyes flash again* cute, and looks a lot like *Eyes flash for the fourth time in less than a minute* Michael Jackson. *Eyes return to normal* >On top of SETSUNA AND JACK: (Singing) Belldandy, all covered in c... MMMPH!!! *Hotaru covers their mouths* HOTARU: *Removes hands* NO. >being smart, resourceful, and cute; he's also a gentleman. He will not do JANUS: Any woman under his care. >harm to any woman who's in his heart; no matter what abhorrence she >keeps in her closet. HOTARU: Even if she can destroy the world in just three words? >For Belldandy, it's that dirty trick noted by Mr. Darwin JACK: Oh, God, no... HOTARU: What? JACK: Keep watching... >as "Hermaphroditism." ALL: *Stunned silence* JACK: Buh... huh... gah... wah... *THUD* JANUS: I'm gonna KILL Wiseman for this!!! HOTARU: *Battle aura flares* Bell-sama? Bell-sama?!? *Sees Jack out cold on the floor* Oh, dear. SETSUNA: This _so_ reeks of Oscar. >Kei: I'm sorry. My reaction to stuff like this is different from yours. MAGIC VOICE: Sorry about this, guys - I didn't know he was gonna send _this_ one. JANUS: What did you think it was? MAGIC VOICE: A slash story with Fred Durst and Eminem or "Touch the Wormmon". HOTARU: ... I'M GONNA KILL HIM!!!!! SETSUNA: ME FIRST! KILL ME FIRST!!! I actually have to read this stuff! >Urd: Keiichi... Please don't tell me that you're getting drilled in the >back by her. Please! JANUS: (Keiichi) I'm not getting drilled, I'm just getting hammered and screwed. HOTARU: (Keiichi) AAAAAHHH!!!! MY SPINAL CORD!!! >Kei: Okay... I won't. JACK: (Keiichi) Let this fanfic continue! I'm Bishounen Senshi Sailor Keiichi, and in the name of tasteful hentai everywhere, I SHALL PUNISH YOU! SETSUNA: But seeing how f(BLEEP)cked up this already is, Belldandy probably _likes_ that. >Urd: ???!!! >Bell: Kei-san and I are in love with each other. HOTARU: As evidenced by the 31 AMG fics on Fanfiction.net. >Urd: All that is fine and well, my dear sisbro. But... >Kei/Bell: But... >Urd: All that great cooking you guys do then decides to exit the same >way it came in! ALL: ... JANUS: Never thought of using toilet paper as napkins before, but after that sentence, I'm getting a pretty good image of it. >Later that day, Keiichi's in his room looking through the photo album. SETSUNA: (Keiichi) Here's me and Bell getting the s(BLEEP)it beat out of us by Siebzahn... and here's us with Tellah, Kain, and Yang, getting the s(BLEEP)it beaten out of us by Golbez... >Pictures of him doing Bell, Bell doing him, him and Bell doing HOTARU: I kinda like that word "doing" now. *Says "doing" vaguely like a bounce sound effect* >either Urd or Megumi... His hard-on doesn't stay down for long. >Kei: Ahhh. I don't see why Urd is so angry. JACK: Except for the fact that her fur handcuffs and lotions were missing for a week. >Bell-chan is so... big... compared to me... ALL: *Burst out laughing* HOTARU: That's the first time I've ever seen a woman with a *DING* bigger than her man's! JACK: You obviously haven't read Oscar, then. HOTARU: And I'm not going to. >And when she enters me, I can't help but to feel SETSUNA: (Keiichi) That my crap's being pushed back up my intestines into my stomach. >the way a woman does... The sheer sensation of being filled. Oh >well, I guess I better call Megumi and ask her what's up. JACK: Other than your soldier. HOTARU: Soldier? More like Mini-Keiichi. >(Picks up the phone and dials her number....) JANUS: 1-800-DRUIDIA. SETSUNA: 1-800-BADFIC. JACK: Out of the two of you, I'm gonna agree with Setsuna. HOTARU: And what about 6-969-HRMF(BLEEP)CK? OTHERS: ... JACK: Honey, have you gotten into Kodachi's mushrooms again? >???: HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!! SETSUNA: (Kodachi) Kuno residence! Is this my Ranma-sama calling? >Earth Assistance Hotline, at your service-Ga! HOTARU: Bad Lemon MSTers, trying to get through this fic-Ga! >Kei: Huh? >???: I can hear it! JACK: I can see it! HOTARU: I can do it! JANUS: I can - hey, quit it! >A desperate heart calling out to have his deepest wishes fulfulled-Ga! Worry not, >little man! SETSUNA: Little's right... >For I shall take care of you on-site-Ga! (KLICK!!) JACK: (Keiichi) AAAAAAAHHH!!! They're gonna shoot me! But at least I'll be out of this fanfic... >As time freezes for a confused Keiichi, his prized camera hovers to >the floor, then flips up and shoots a blinding white light HOTARU: And a spray of mortar shells, killing him, destroying the temple, and shredding the fanfic. The end. >from it's lenses. JANUS: Coke-bottle ones... I always hated those. >>From the spotlight of said lenses, HOTARU: What was that? JACK: What? HOTARU: There's two marks before the fanfic line! JACK: It's not my fault! SETSUNA: Is the system malfunctioning? HOTARU: It'd be "Lemon Wing" again... MAGIC VOICE: Oh, man, I got crucified over it once, and I'm staying away from GW for another millenium. >someone jumps through the ceiling and floats to the floor striking a pose >along the way. SETSUNA: (Pose) OW! You didn't have to hit me! >Peo: Salutations-Ga! JACK: (Wilbur) What did you say? HOTARU: (Spider) Salutations! It means "hello". My name is Charlotte! JANUS: ... Obscurity, thy names are Jack and Hotaru. >I'm so pleased to meet you! The creme de la creme of goddesness, >EAH Class 1.2U (Unlimited) Goddess... PEORTH! Has entered the stage-Ga! SETSUNA: I can't eat that! It's double creme! HOTARU: Besides, I don't think you're a lesbian, despite what half the lemon writers on the net say. >Keiichi, stunned with the fact that he's called up another goddess, JANUS: (Keiichi) Let's see if I can't call in a god now! ODIN! *The Esper Odin from FFVII enters, uses Gunge Spear on Magic Voice's speaker, and vanishes* ... What the hell was that? HOTARU: Oh, that? Sometimes weird things happen in here. Get used to it. JANUS: My life just keeps getting more and more screwed up... >turns his head to look at this new visitor; only to find that she's... Not >wearing much... ALL: (Chanting) Nosebleed! Nosebleed! >Never mind, it's doing wonders for his sex drive. JACK: (La Forge) Sex Drive online, Captain. HOTARU: (Picard) Engage! F(BLEEP)ck warp six! >Peo: So? Which pose do you like better-Ka? >Kei: (Hangs up the phone.) Uh... You're not here to grant me a wish, are you? SETSUNA: Keiichi Morisati, Master of the Not-Quite-So-Obvious. >Peo: Well, what else can we be here for? I am the messanger that has >decended from Heaven to grant your heart's desire-Ga! JANUS: (Keiichi) My heart needs a new aorta. HOTARU: (Peorth) Sorry, can't help you! >Kei: (A drop of sweat hiding his face, and a throbbing hard-on tightening his pants.) JACK: BLECH! I did _not_ need to see that. HOTARU: I don't think I _can_ see it. >Gee, I don't know. Does it include gratifying my instinct as well? SETSUNA: (Keiichi as Cartman) Gimme Cheesy Poofs, you bitch! You're hoarding my Cheesy Poofs! >Peo: Well, that depends-Ga. See, I may have a naturally perfect body. >But hiding under it is something so hidious, so horrendous, that >those who have seen it were unable speak due to mental scarring-Ga. JANUS: Yep, she's got a *DING*. *Thinks for a second* What the hell was that? JACK: What, the *DING*? JANUS: Yeah, that. JACK: Oh, just a censor, like (BLEEP) or (BEEP). JANUS: And how do you pronounce the parentheses? JACK: Trade secret. I told you, I'd have to make you watch "Chibi-Usa's Seventh Birthday". >Kei: You have a cock? HOTARU: Keiichi Morisati, master of the things-you-never-wanted-to-know. >Peo: ????!!!! JACK: We pronounce the brackets kinda like Peorth-san says ????!!!!. JANUS: Ah. *Facefaults* >NO! I. Am. A. Smoker-Ga. >Kei: Huh?! But you're a goddess, right? HOTARU: (Peorth) No, I'm just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill Juraiian princess - OF COURSE I'M A GODDESS, YOU JACKASS! >Peo: Of course I am-Ga! However! Even the most beautiful and most lovely of all >goddesses, like myself, have their warts-Ga. SETSUNA: (Peorth) Would you like to see the ones I've got on my feet? Perhaps taste them... *Snaps back to normal* GOOD GOD!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!? >Kei: (Thinks for a minute. JACK: And look! You can see the smoke coming from his ears! >Then...) JANUS: His head explodes! JACK: Oh, why not? (Zoisite) ZOI! *Head explodes in a shower of cherry blossoms. It soon reassembles* JANUS: WHOA! Do that again! JACK: I'd rather not... >Aw, screw it. I wish to have the greatest sex with you! >After a mind-altering flash of ILM special effects... HOTARU: (Vader) Luke, I am your father... use the Force, Luke... JACK: Cheap plug, cheap plug. >Keiichi lovingly kisses Peorth on the lips as he sooths his hand >along her breasts and pussy lips. (What he lacks in cocksize he makes >up incredibly in foreplay.) HOTARU: You call _that_ foreplay?!? JACK: Either Shinji's never been with a woman... or he doesn't deserve one. HOTARU: _You_ do more than that... at least you'd better. >He lays her on his mattress, stripping the rest of her clothes off as well as his >own, and proceeds to do her from behind. He enters himself into her sopping gates; SETSUNA: (Hick) Mah Gawd! The Peorth River's a'floodin! Get th' younguns inta tha raft, Maw! >blessed again with the feeling of entering his member into someone of the opposite sex. >Spending so much time with Belldandy he'd almost forgot which hole to enter. HOTARU: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? JACK: Dunno. HOTARU: "Stop, wrong hole." JACK: ... That was weird... >Peo: [I must say, this kid knows how to treat a lady-Ga. I must tell all my comrades >about him.] JANUS: That what, he's cheating on his manwoman with a real woman and then using her for sex?!? SETSUNA: OSCAR TERRITORY APPROACHING!!! HOTARU: Since when? We've been there since we read the damned disclaimer. >Our hero continues to slam her from behind; SETSUNA: (WWF announcer) Oh! And there's the MemberSlam! OWW! That's gonna hurt Peorth in the morning! But wait! She's countering with a Slash attack... >grabbing her nice cushy buttocks as he impales her with his member. JACK: Getting horrible mental image of Vlad Tepes... impaling his victims... *THWAP CLONK WA-TAK* OTHERS: *Stow their various weapons away* Don't _DO_ that! >Soft moans escape this lovely goddess' lips as she feels his cock thrusting in and >out of her. JACK: (Daffy Duck) Guard, spin, parry, jab, dodge, turn, thrust! *WHACK* HOTARU: No Warner Brothers! >Kei: Peorth...! I'm gonna cum! >Peo: Yes! Please do-Ga! >With that, Keiichi goes off and shoots his jizz into this beautiful >goddess' love canal. JANUS: Did we already make a "Scary Movie" riff? SETSUNA: Yeah. Please don't. >Then he exits her and shoots the rest of it all over her entrance. After that he >collapses on top of her in a bliss of spent energy. HOTARU: "Like an EVA at the end of its activation cycle..." JACK: ... Hotaru, have you been reading EVA lemons again? HOTARU: No comment. MAGIC VOICE: No free plugs for Axel Terizaki-san! He wants them, he can ask for them! >Peo: What is your name, little man-Ka? JANUS: Little's right... >Kei: The name... JACK: (Bond) Morisati. Keiichi Morisati. >Is Keiichi. Keiichi Morisato... And my question... SETSUNA: (Keiichi) Can you get me a Playstation 2 for a hundred bucks? HOTARU: (Peorth) Ha! Even a goddess can't do _that_! >What's with the "Ga" and "Ka" at the end of your sentences? >Peo: Oh-oh-oh-oh. "Ga" as in God, "Ka" as in Kami. They're at the >end of most of my sentences because at the end we will soon >become closer to God. Keiichi-Ka? Keiichi? HOTARU: Waaaaaait a minute... even though Peorth seemed a _bit_ in character, Shinji said he was an atheist on his web site... aw, screw it. There's no way I can make a riff here. >Evidently, the sex was so great to him that he went to sleep on it. JANUS: And "it" shriveled and fell off. >Peo: Oh great, just great! Evidently I'm so magnificent and marvelous that I drive >men to sleep-Ga! JACK: (Tom Servo) The Magnificient Peorth. She came out of nowhere to do battle with the amazing RANDO! HOTARU: (Crow) That Rando stuff cracks me up. >Urd: (Crossed-eyed.) And what do we have here? >Bell: Peorth-san! Long time no see! HOTARU: Just like Urd can't see right now! >Peo: [No! That can't be! My highly superb hearing is not hearing this-Ga!] (Turns her head SETSUNA: And coughs. >to find...) >Urd: Looks like Keiichi called in another one, sisbro. >Bell: Would you like some tea? Cookies? California roll sushi with extra cinnamon? JACK: Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind a pizza... HOTARU: Forget it - there's a battle in about three hours, and we've still got to get prepped. >Peo: (Looking angrily) You-Ga! The goddesses from my rival agencies! What business >have you two with this... this... oversexed little man-Ka?! >Bell: Well... You see... I've... Contracted... JANUS: Gonorrhea, syphilis, PID, chlymidia, herpes types 1 through 3, crabs, and every other STD known from Keiichi. >With Keiichi. >Peo: Huh?! Oh no! He didn't make... THAT wish! Did he-Ka?! SETSUNA: (Mr. T as Peorth) I pity da foo' that f(BLEEP)ck dat goddess! >Urd: Actually it's not that big a deal. Just fuck him, and he'll walk through >Earth's greatest natural disasters just to do the smallest things for you. HOTARU: (Belldandy) Oh, no! Keiichi, I left my good shoes inside that volcano! JACK: (Keiichi) Don't worry, honey, I'll get them for you. *Imitates sizzling sound* >Peo: Correct me if I'm wrong-Ga. But last I checked, Belldandy has a penis. And >you have gonorrhea-Ga. >Urd: Let's just say that he'll never look at a beautiful woman the same way again. >Besides, I'm fixed so I won't burn anymore. Belldandy on the other hand... Well... JACK: (Urd) The doctor wanted about three thousand bucks to turn her into a "natural woman", so we passed. >Peo: Oh my god, no. >Urd: That was my first reaction. Apparently Mr. Morisato doesn't have the heart to >turn a woman down. >Peo: I see. Nothing soothes the savage beast like a cute face-Ga. SETSUNA: Except a good f(BLEEP)ck. *CLANG* HOTARU: Setsuna no hentai! >But still... Bell has an 8-foot cock-Ga! How much more would you love your lady >if she doesn't have one of those-Ka? >Urd: (Pulls Belldandy's member from out of hiding.) JANUS: Tag, you're it! >Gee, I don't know. More than you think? >Bell: No... Stop... JACK: (Belldandy, bored) Stop... don't do this... it's wrong... help me, someone... >Peo: (Starts freaking out.) HOTARU: (Freakazoid) Oooohhh... FREAK OUT! JACK: (Cosgrove) Hey, Freakazoid, wanna go see a bear ride a unicycle? HOTARU: (Freakazoid) DO I?!?!? >No way-Ga! I'm not having sex with my rivals! JACK: Anyone makes an Ash/Gary yaoi joke here and they die. >After a while Keiichi wakes up from his sweet slumber to be treated to yet another >sex scene; that which is composed of Peorth, under HOTARU: Urd and Belldandy. SETSUNA: I would not be surprised. >slight protest, being done in the back by Belldandy and licked along the nipples of >her breasts by Urd. In little time Keiichi has picked up his natural urges once more. JANUS: (Baloo) Look for those... BARE necessities, those simple BARE necessities... HOTARU: Shut up. >Kei: L- Let's eat... >************ SETSUNA: What riff haven't we done about stars? JACK: Someone's gotten into the happy weed again... >Meanwhile, at the Yggridasyl Control Center... ALL: NESS AND HIS MEN SPEED TOWARDS CAPONE'S HIDEOUT! >Skuld: Dang-it, Bell! It's not fair! You and your boyfriend are having all >this sex, and I'm still stuck up here konking those little bugs! SETSUNA: (Skuld) I wanna have Keiichi! WAAAAAAH!!! >This sucks! JANUS: Again, much like both Belldandy and Keiichi. >************ MAGIC VOICE: Twelve stars... symbolizing twelve riffers who've left the Eisei no Senshi and aren't coming back. >The End-Ga JACK: At least there's not gonna be a sequel... or a third fic later. SETSUNA: So what'd everyone think about this? JACK: Not too detailed on the hentai, unlike some of his other fics. That scene between Keiichi and Peorth was like something out of "10-chi Returns". HOTARU: What was with that extra > in there? I know it wasn't me, and it wasn't you or the system. Must have been a server error. But other than that, there wasn't a single spelling or grammar error in there. I'd give him an eighty-seven out of a hundred. SETSUNA: Personally, I kinda liked it. There were some pretty funny parts in there, and the bit about Bell-chan having an "8-foot cock-Ga" was hilarious! JANUS: *Shuddering* Lemon... evil... evil lemon... must stay away... JACK: Poor kid. I think she's snapped. *Picks Janus up* I'll drop her off in a guest bedroom and meet you all on the bridge with the people we summoned in. HOTARU: Let's get outta here. *Exit all* (Reverse door sequence) (Scene: SoS Bridge. The crew is sitting in chairs, all dressed in their henshin outfits - i.e., fukus, tuxedos, gis, and leotards. Nephrite's decked out in his Negaverse General's uniform, and Naru is in a jumpsuit. The Gundam pilots - yes, all five of them - are sitting together, wearing their usual outfits. Asuka and Rei are on opposite sides of the theater, and both are in plugsuits.) SETSUNA: And so that's how the coordinated assault will be made. Any questions? DUO: *Raises hand* So what are these "droids"? Anything like what we've fought? AMY: Yes and no. They've got the power of mobile suits, but they're a lot smaller and faster. They also don't use guns - mostly supernatural energy and lightning. HEERO: Hn. COMPUTER: Translation - "Are the Gundams ready?" SETSUNA: All five are prepped and ready to go in the armory. ASUKA: And my Unit 02? JACK: Plug's ready and all EVAs are ready to go in the launch bay. REI: *Raises hand* Who will be commanding the starfighter wings? SETSUNA: Each Senshi will lead a wing of fighters, consisting of eight droids, a Gundam pilot, and an EVA. The Senshi squadron without an EVA unit will have an additional Gundam pilot to compensate. JACK: Also, Nephrite, Naru, and Kodachi will be remaining on board the Eisei no Senshi to act as guards, using the cannons and subspace mines. TENCHI: Do I get a fighter? JACK: You, Urd, and Skuld all have fighter ships, Tenchi. They're modified Incom X-wings, each with 4 laser cannons, four torpedoes, and more powerful engines. *Alarm sounds* COMPUTER: Droid arrival in twenty minutes. Repeat, droid arrival in twenty minutes and counting. SETSUNA: Get to your ships! We're going to lock down the Satellite, and then we'll get to ours! *Exit all* (Scene: SoS Armory. The five Gundams are moving towards the exit.) SETSUNA: Amy, you've got Asuka, Trowa, Wufei, and the droids. Your wing is designated as Mercury Squadron. AMY: Check! *Runs to her fighter and launches* SETSUNA: Small Lady, take Rei, Quatre, Urd, and the droids. You know your designation is Crystal Squadron. RINI: I'm outta here! *Gets into her fighter and launches* SETSUNA: Hotaru, you've got Ranma, Duo, and Skuld, not to mention the droids. Designation: Saturn Squadron. HOTARU: See you... *Kisses Jack, leaps into her X-wing, and launches* JACK: ... Good luck, anata... SETSUNA: Jack, you're taking Heero, Tenchi, and the droids. JACK: Setsuna, you're coming with me as my wing. SETSUNA: No. We've got to work together on this. JACK: *Stares at her* Look, Setsuna, if we can get the droids as Pluto Squadron, we'll have a better chance, cause the droids won't be flying as a wing to someone who _can_ die. SETSUNA: ... For once, I'm gonna agree with you. Fine! The droids are now Cape-Boy Squadron, and we're Pluto Squadron. JACK: Thanks, I think. *Both of them get into their fighters and launch* COMPUTER: *Alarms go off* Droid arrival in five minutes. Repeat, droid arrival in five minutes. Arming autodefenses. Launch all fighters immediately. JACK: (Over radio) You heard the computer - GO! *Everyone launches* ****************************************************************************** "Thrusters - okay... Lasers... 100%... Torpedoes... four onboard... excellent... Personal Soundtrack..." Jack grinned and pulled out a CD. "Definitely this." He popped it into the CD player, and the music from Crono Trigger began to play - specifically, the theme and the music from both core Lavos battles. "Pluto Squadron, form up on leader and Two." He consulted his chart. "Setsuna, you're with me; Heero, you and Tenchi." Setsuna acknowledged, and Heero grunted, which Jack took for a yes. "Ready?" ****************************************************************************** Rini soared through space with Urd behind her. "See anything yet?" "Not yet, Rini - wait! I've got a massive subspace... oh, crap..." The computer's alarms blared in their cockpits. "Danger! Danger! Warning! Droid fleet has dropped out of warp and is on a direct engagement course! Estimated time to intercept - thirty seconds!" "Crystal Wing, form up! Urd, how many droids?" Urd scanned frantically, checking space... "HOLY SHIT!" She clicked her comm on. "All fighters, I'm reading well over nine hundred droids out there. Be advised, that's approximately nine-zero-zero droids! Confirm!" "Pluto Wing confirms, Crystal Two." "Mercury confirms." "Saturn wing... we confirm." "All fighters, this is Pluto One," Jack said in a crackling voice over the comm system. "Prepare to engage droid forces... And good luck, everyone." Jack clicked his comm back on a few seconds later. "OPEN FIRE!" ****************************************************************************** They were Wiseman's droids, all right, but they weren't the kind of droids that the Senshi were used to. Wiseman had taken the opportunity to upgrade over the millenium that had passed, and the weapons were far more powerful than expected. ****************************************************************************** "Damn!" Hotaru snarled over the comm. "Saturn Wing, you okay?" "Leader, Two." That was Duo, piloting DeathScythe Hell. "I'm fine - cloaked just before they hit." "Three here," Ranma called out. "Minor damage to right arm, synch rate at ninety- three percent. I can take it - just tell me where to go!" "Four," Urd spoke out. "S-foil actuator damaged, but functional; hyperdrive out. Moot point, since I ain't jumping anywhere." Hotaru thought for a moment while ripping a drum-bearing droid apart. "Three, go with Four. Duo, you're with me. We're going after the controls." She and DeathScythe tore off into the fleet, firing at anything in their way... ****************************************************************************** Setsuna's display lit up the second the droids entered. Quickly switching from lasers to torpedoes, she snapped off a salvo and smiled grimly as the two bombs shredded a small patch of droids into atoms. "Leader, Jack. Half of Cape-boy Wing's gone. Recommending team torpedo strategy Alpha-seven." She pulled up the plan... and her X-wing rocked as a droid's lasers lit up her canopy. They promptly stopped as a black X-wing - Jack's personal ship - flew by and blew the droid to pieces. "What have I taught you about checking your six, Pluto?" Jack called sarcastically as he shot by, a droid hot on his tail. She grinned, fired, and obliterated it. "You should do the same," she called back to him. "Alpha-seven's fine." They flew ahead, readying torpedoes... ****************************************************************************** Amy's systems went berserk. "Leader, what's wrong?" Asuka, her red EVA-02's positron rifle in position, shot up behind her, firing at the few droids who dared approach the pair. "Minor damage to thrusters. I can move, I'm just a bit slower and less maneuverable." "Go back to base, swap out for a fresh fighter." "Don't have time! Just follow me!" The two soared into the swarm of droids, blasting at anything that moved... ****************************************************************************** "Hotaru, this is Pluto Lead. Need some help?" Setsuna and Jack flew parallel with Hotaru, their lasers blazing through the black of space, hitting a few droids, obliterating others. "Much obliged, Setsuna-mama." Hotaru flew into formation with the others, Duo right behind them like a silent demon. "Duo, how about taking out that set of command droids?" DeathScythe almost smiled, and immediately, Duo jetted off towards them. "Pluto Lead, Saturn Lead, Mercury Lead requesting immediate aid. Repeat, Mercury Lead requesting immediate repair." "I'll take care of it," Setsuna called, peeling off from formation. "Jack, take care of Hotaru in case I don't come back!" She flew off, out of sight... "If she doesn't come back," Jack snarled to himself, "_I'll_ probably be stuck manning the damn Gate of Time!" His hands clenched reflexively, and a torpedo shot out from his fighter. He snapped up, peeling off from the path of the torpedo, and Hotaru shot one of her own to match. The pair of torpedoes ripped apart easily one-tenth of the droid fleet... And then Duo came up behind them, scythe bared. "They're gone. Half the fleet's without command!" "What about the other half of the fleet?" Hotaru said as she fired a spread of lasers into the droid armada. "It's coming from that command ship back there," Duo said, and gestured with his scythe. "One ship commanding a fleet?" Jack's expression darkened. "It's got to be him. There's just no other way!" ****************************************************************************** "I think you're right," Hotaru said to him as she opened a private channel to the other Senshi. "Hey, guys, got an idea. Think we can charge our laser cannons with our powers?" "Worth a try," Rini said. "But I'm kinda busy right now - got some droids on my tail, and - oh, thanks, Rei. Anyway, Hotaru, let's do it!" "But how?" Amy said, pulling into formation behind Hotaru. "I don't quite think we can clip ourselves to the laser cannons!" Setsuna snorted as she came in behind Jack in a swoop. "Just focus and let your mind do the work. Like cybernetic implants - whoops, wasn't supposed to reveal that yet." Hotaru slowly relaxed into her pilot's seat... it felt almost like she was merging with the ship in a manner beyond anything she'd ever felt before... but... something was _wrong_... She screamed in pain as five droids converged on her X-wing and fired, obliterating the shields. just before they fired again, Jack and Rini swooped by, taking out four of them in one pass. The last one charged up... Took aim... And was promptly fried by Setsuna. "No one, but NO ONE messes with my wife!" The fury in Jack's voice was overflowing, and so angry was he, he didn't notice that Hotaru had ejected! "Oh, God, not now..." Setsuna said, flying towards her... "Setsuna, let me!" Jack said, finally taking note that she'd bailed out. He flew towards her, clipped on his helmet... opened the hatch... and let Hotaru slip into the cockpit easily. He shut the canopy and opened his helmet. "Kinda crowded in here, huh?" ****************************************************************************** Wiseman sat in the control ship's bridge. He was furious. The Senshi had barely had enough people to mount a skeleton defense crew, much less take the few fighters they had out... and where did they get the Gundams? Was it Magic Voice's revenge on him for involving innocents? "You could say that," Magic Voice said from out of nowhere. "Damn you," Wiseman said, turning to face the figure in the doorway. "That's not strong enough, Wiseman. In answer to your questions, they used an archaic summoning ritual to summon pilots, the ships were part of their door sequences, and yes, this is partly my revenge on you." "Partly?" "The Senshi decided that you were a menace to life in this universe, what with your track record and all. They're on their way right now to eliminate you. And needless to say, I have no intention of stopping them." "I would damn you again, but that is indeed not strong enough." "So you say." Magic Voice snapped his fingers, and massive explosions rocked the vessel. "There go the shields. The Senshi are even now heading towards a docking bay. Perhaps I should make a path for them." He snapped again, and a ramp appeared from the floor. ****************************************************************************** Duo spun in DeathScythe, warding off the droids who dared approach him. The ones that were smart and stayed away were picked off by Asuka, Rei, Ranma, and Heero, all using positron rifles or the Buster Rifle. "Hey, Duo, I've got something interesting here," Quatre said over his comm. "Seems there's a subspace distortion about six thousand kilometers dead ahead of you. I think it's some sort of wormhole!" "Cool," Duo muttered back as he sliced neatly through three droids. "You and Trowa go check it out. I'll keep them busy." ****************************************************************************** Ranma, Asuka, and Rei, meanwhile, took the opportunity to fly into the region surrounding the singularity... and Asuka, Rei, and their EVAs promptly vanished. For some reason, though, Ranma stayed there... The same happened to Trowa and Quatre when they arrived. ****************************************************************************** "All Gundam pilots, Masakis, and goddesses, enter the singularity!" Nephrite broadcast the order from the Satellite upon seeing the droid army's numbers drop drastically. Only about fifty droids remained functional on the field, and Kodachi was having a field day with her cannon, cackling wildly and firing at anything that moved. "The droid army's defeated, and the Satellite's intact! But what about Wiseman..." Naru called to him over the comm. "He must be in that command ship," Nephrite replied, targeting it with his cannon. His sensors blipped, and he noticed that the shields were down, for some reason... and that four X-wings were heading straight for it... "HOLD YOUR FIRE!" ****************************************************************************** Wiseman fired a lightning bolt at him, but Magic Voice smiled, and the bolt faded into nothingness by the time it reached him. "Oh, pain! Agony!" Magic Voice smirked. "You can't hurt me, and you know it." He cocked his head. "Looks like they're here," he said. "I should be going," he muttered, and disappeared in a flash of light. "I have business on the Eisei no Senshi..." his voice tinkled in the air. Wiseman shook in impotent rage, and then the door above the ramp blew in. Hotaru stood there, her glaive in hand, pointed at Wiseman... and the rest of the Senshi were behind her. Jack took the opportunity to rip a hole in the wall, doing damage to the ship for no perceptible reason. "It's judgment day, Wiseman, and you're found lacking." ****************************************************************************** AUTHOR'S NOTES Thank _GOD_! Season 2's almost over! Just one half of the season finale left, and then we can all rest easy... until season three. Don't bother here - the next section's going to have plenty of Author's Notes to make up for this. Ja ne! Tuxedo Jack TuxedoJack@juno.com Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 1 - COMPLETE! Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 2 - 0.5 EPISODES LEFT! Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 3 - WORK PENDING! (I THINK)