"Time for a refreshing can of whoop-ass!" - Cheech Marin *********************************************************************** Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 119 JERRY SPRINGER'S WORST NIGHTMARE: "A Very Special Jerry Springer" by Jessie *********************************************************************** LAUNCH ALL DISCLAIMERS FOR GREAT JUSTICE: All Sailor Moon characters belong to Takeuchi Naoko-sama. All Ranma chracters belong to Takahashi Rumiko-san. Tuxedo Jack is my property, as he is an aspect of me; he is just one of my 250-odd distinct personalities. The fic riffed herein is the property of Jessie, and I make no claim on it; in fact, I wouldn't claim ownership with a fleet of lawyers at my side. This riffing is meant as a comedic sideline to the story; I mean no harm. (Cheesy alien voice) I come in peace... *********************************************************************** *WARNING* This fic contains lime content. On a scale of key lime pie to margarita, with margarita being the strongest, this ranks around limeade. In other words, this contains some lime content, but not much, so feel free to read and laugh. And a note: if you like this, you'll love the sequel that's posted at SVAM. (lefty.simplenet.com/svam) *********************************************************************** In the not-too-distant future, Somewher out deep in space, The SoS and its occupants Near the end of their endless chase! Pursued by some villains called the Black Moon (Who happen to like to yell the word "Spoon",) They want to steal the Ginzuishou So they sent the SoS fanfics That they scraped off of their shoes! (DIAMOND: Now my boots are ruined!) (Emerald) We'll send them cheesy fanfics, Stupid beyond a doubt, (la la la) (Diamond) They'll have to sit and read them all While Emerald and I make out! (la la la) (Wiseman) Now keep in mind they can't control When the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) It's as bad as televangelists, And the Ginzuishou they'll send! SENSHI ROLL CALL! Setsuna! (Would someone please pass the rocket launcher?) Hotaru! (Damn computer viruses...) Teenage Rini! (Nash Bridges is hot!) Amy! (This is what, our twentieth fic?) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other science facts, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "This needs a facefault, Now I must sit back and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! *Twang* *********************************************************************** (Scene: SoS gym. Hotaru, Setsuna, and Amy are doing aerobics, and are led by - surprise, surprise - Kodachi. Ranma and Jack are sparring, and occasionally sneaking a glance at the aerobics group. Rini... well... she's occupied with one of the holo-guys there.) RANMA: (Through heavy breaths) You're... not half bad, old... man. But... can you take this? Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken! *Slams punches into Jack, who manages to block about half of them* JACK: (Bruised and bloodied) Hotaru ain't gonna be happy tonight... I can barely move! *Stands normally* I'm not giving up yet, though! *Grabs his Hammerspace sword - not the Tuxedo Sword, but a nice sword nonetheless* Try this on for si - OOF! *Is coldcocked by Ranma's left hook* RANMA: *Blows on fist* Heh. Guess he forgot that I don't follow the rule of not attacking during long speeches. HOTARU: Jack! *Rushes over* OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod! *Shakes head* Sorry. Mihoshi moment. *Examines him* Looks okay... just out cold... he'll wake up in a little while. RANMA: Didn't mean to hurt him, but we were sparring, and, well... HOTARU: Ah, forget it. He'll be fine. KODACHI: *Wanders over, a sheen of sweat on her forehead and... um... her... heh heh heh... you know* Ranma-sama, you okay? *Places her arms around him* RANMA: *Grin* Coming back to life, Ko-chan. *Kiss* SETSUNA: *Snort* Get a room! HOTARU: Setsuna-mama, I'm surprised at you. You've certainly been celibate since you've been here, and with no Endymion for you to chase after, well, there's not much for you here. SETSUNA: You'd be surprised, child. *Secretive Setsuna Smile (TM)* So, how are things with Jack? HOTARU: *Blush* Pretty good, but there's just one thing I want from him that we've agreed that we're not ready for. SETSUNA: Oh, God... HOTARU: What? A little Tuxedo Saturn or Sailor Senshi would be nice. SETSUNA: But on this Satellite... well, the kid'd be damned for no reason. HOTARU: Exactly why we're not having kids yet. SETSUNA: Still, though, Souichi would have loved it. HOTARU: Yeah... *Sniff* Daddy would have been a great grandpa. Heck, he wouldn't even need the grey hair. SETSUNA: Shh, child. Relax. You'll be off this Satellite soon, and then you two can punch out kids like movie tickets. (To self) Oh, God, Haruka and Michiru are gonna _KILL_ me if they ever find out about this... JACK: *Wakes up* Gruuuuu... someone get the number of the fist that hit me... HOTARU: Hey, honey. How's the head? JACK: *Collapses* That answer your question? HOTARU: o_o' RINI: *Wanders over with a blonde guy on her arm* Is that red light supposed to be flashing, Puu? *Points towards the red button* JACK AND SETSUNA: *Groan* Not again... RINI: I'll take it as a no, then. *Runs off with the holo-guy* SETSUNA: Looks like we're being summoned, people. HOTARU: Go on ahead - I'll take care of Jack. (SoS Bridge. Setsuna, Amy, Ranma, and Kodachi are sitting on the couches when the red button flashes.) RANMA: Hmmph. Thought that my ex-fiancees would be calling. *Hits button* (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: Hello, my test subjects. Have you agreed to give me the Silver Imperium Crystal yet? DIAMOND: Um... Wiseman? Perhaps we should mention the penalty that they've earned... WISEMAN: Thank you, Diamond. *Turns back to Hexfield* Due to the fact that you've refused to hand over the Ginzuishou to me, I'm sending a terrifying story by Lady Kat to the five heroes of the colonies. Unless you give it to me now... (SoS) SETSUNA: No, for three reasons. One, you can't get us off the Satellite; two, you'd destroy the universe with it; and three, it's the property of Small Lady and it's not mine to give away. AMY: Besides, we kinda like it here. RANMA: Speak for yourself. I mean, the people are great, the food's good, and the accomodations are top-notch, but it just ain't Nerima. SETSUNA: Ranma, you've been on this place for over a year. Trust me, Nerima isn't Nerima anymore... at least not as you remember it. (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: Very well, the Gundam pilots will get the fic! Emerald! Prepare the device! EMERALD: *Is busy making out with Diamond* DIAMOND: *Flails a hand towards the fic-sending button* WISEMAN: Oh, yes... this reminds me that you're getting a fic, too! Prepare yourself for the horror of "A Very Special Jerry Springer!" *Kodachi laugh* (SoS) KODACHI: Plagiarist bastard. Can't even get an original laugh... *Grumble* SETSUNA: Forget about it. He'll get his. KODACHI: Laugh? SETSUNA: No, Ginzuishou blast up the ass. *Lights flash, klaxons blare, you know the drill* But we've got SPRINGER SIIIIGN!!! (Door sequence 19.0) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: Nash Bridges' '69 'Cuda. Happosai runs by, glomps onto the women, and steals it. Cheech and Nash run after it... Door 4: My new house's Spanish-style oak front doors. You knock, and Magic Voice opens the door. Fortunately for him, the Senshi don't recognize him, and you go onwards. Door 3: The set of "7th Heaven". Setsuna goes berserk and shreds the entire place. Door 2: A seventies-style smiley face. Everybody grins, takes aim, and rips it apart with their various attacks. Door 1: The "Jerry Springer" set. You pass through, surprising the Big Security Guards. They shrug and ignore you. (SoS Theater. Seating order: Setsuna, Ranma, Kodachi, Amy.) SETSUNA: Jerry Springer. I don't believe this. AMY: Have we sunk that far that he has to use those fics on us? RANMA: Apparently. KODACHI: Well, at least there's the gratuitous sex. SETSUNA: *Pulls out the Time Staff* I hope, for your sake, that this episode is different. >A Very Special Episode Of Jerry Springer SETSUNA: It's special because no one's gonna make a sex joke here. KODACHI: ... I'm gonna shut up now. >Written by Jessie AMY: Coworker to James and Meowth. SETSUNA: Oh, for God's sake... >If one wishes to talk to the author about anything, KODACHI: Maybe she could give Ranma-sama "the talk". RANMA: Eep! SETSUNA: *Evil grin* Why am I not surprised? >she’s reached at: MinakoX33@aol.com AMY: I prefer to dial 1-800-96-JERRY. RANMA: That explains so much. >-----Foreword----- RANMA: Backword, what's the difference? >The following is a work of fiction. No bad juju SETSUNA: Mmm... jujubes... *Drools* >is intended towards Takeuchi-sama, black people, the hick population, >or Jackie Chiang. All mention of the great Jackie-sama’s works is used >with only the best intentions. MAGIC VOICE: Ah, you've gotta love those who revere you. SETSUNA: There's no way you're Jackie Chiang. MAGIC VOICE: Of course not. I'm also Jack, and my aunt calls me Jackie, so... SETSUNA: I call you jackass. >Please don’t kill me. RANMA: Everyone says to Hotaru when she's pissed. HOTARU: (Over P.A.) You're _gonna_ be saying it when... ooh... you get out of... aah... that theater! >Which brings me to my next point. This is a PARODY. I am a raving otaku >of BSSM, but had a lot of free time on my hands one long weekend. KODACHI: Time, among other things. Perhaps Kojiro wasn't enough for her. *BONK* SETSUNA: Kodachi, remember? Today is a hentai-free day. >The following is my attempt at humor. If anyone takes this seriously, RANMA: (Jessie) You really need professional help. Hell, if you even _read_ this fanfic, you need professional help! >that probably means you’ve got even more time on your hands than I do. >This fanfic also deals with some rather adult topics. SETSUNA: Namely, balalncing a checkbook, dealing with mortgages, and daytime TV. >No hentai SETSUNA: Excellent! *Much grumbling from the three hentais* Oh, shut up. >(although a lot is hinted at). Hey, it is Jerry Springer, after all. >Basically, if you’re offended by a string of bleeps or risqué topics, RANMA: We're not, and who is? AMY: Rei would be. So would Michiru, Usagi, and Mamoru. RANMA: Did I ask you? >stop reading this now, ‘cause it’s not going to be your cup of tea. KODACHI: (Picard) Earl Grey. Hot. >That being said, let’s begin the show! AMY: (Singing) In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere in time and space, Mike Nelson and his robot pals Are caught in an endless chase! MAGIC VOICE: *Sigh* I don't know why I put up with you. >------------------ KODACHI: Flat line... it's dead. RANMA: Let's go. *Stands up, but is fried by a lightning bolt from Wiseman* WISEMAN: (Over P.A.) SIDDOWN! SETSUNA: When was the last time that we had that gag? >[Mandatory Bandai Logo] >[Clips from the coming episode] >ANNOUNCER >Today, on Jerry Springer... SETSUNA: Overweight naked dwarf jugglers! AMY: What... the f(BLEEP)ck... RANMA: Lesbians and their thyroid problems! KODACHI: Dead men tell their stories! >Rivals fight for their man! AMY: Ah, one of the daily things back when Beryl was alive. SETSUNA: *Shakes head* When will Rei learn that Endymion isn't hers? (To self) I want him too, though... >[Scenes of Queen Beryl hitting Neherenia on the head with a chair] KODACHI: And when her neck breaks, she can just turn it around, snap it back on, and be done with it. >A girl with two boyfriends! RANMA: ... -_- SETSUNA: *Evil grin* I thought that it was different, Ranma. You and your... let's see... four women - five, if the rumors about Kasumi are true - and two men. RANMA: Shut up. KODACHI: Damn, you had _men_ lusting after you? That's one powerful mojo. (Ms. Kensington) Work your mojo, baby, work it! >[Clip of Naru looking flustered as she sits between Nephrite and Umino] KODACHI: Ooh, a threesome! *BLU-KONG* SETSUNA: _NO_. KODACHI: But they're so fun! RANMA: ... Not gonna ask. >Sex!!!!! AMY: (Flat) Joy. This is what I live for. Sex on crappy TV talk shows. >[Scenes of Queen Beryl taking off her top] RANMA: GYAH! *Nosebleed* KODACHI: Feh, what's she got that I haven't? >And, of course, the mandatory fights! AMY: Senshi vs. Youma, Senshi vs. Senshi, Senshi vs. Evil Leader, Evil Leader vs. Big Security Guards... >[Clips of Umino whacking Nephrite where the sun doesn’t shine with a >baseball bat; RANMA: *Crosses eyes and covers the Netherlands* >Queen Beryl getting blasted from some unseen energy source] SETSUNA: (Beryl) My iron! I left it on! And I forgot to turn off its alarm! >All this and more on the next Jerry Springer!! >[Jerry Springer’s theme song is played, and Jerry walks out to the crowd’s >chants of, “Jerry, Jerry!!”] ALL EXCEPT SETSUNA: You suck, you suck! SETSUNA: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! AMY: I never knew... SETSUNA: Hey, it's practically the only thing I could get at the Gate of Time. That, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but... >JERRY >Thank you. We have an exciting show planned for you today. We have as >guests the Sailor Senshi themselves, along with those of who know them. KODACHI: (Jerry) And we've of gone to the trouble of sticking the of word of in places where it doesn't belong, all for you! >[Loud cheers from the audience] >JERRY >Now, let’s bring out our first guests, Osaka Naru and Umino Gurio! SETSUNA: The worst couple in history next to Steve Urkel and Laura Winslow. RANMA: Try Happosai dating Ukyo. SETSUNA: EW EW EW EW EW! >[Naru-chan and Umino-kun walk out and sit down] RANMA: In their cars, which they then promptly drove through the studio, killing everybody inside, the end. >JERRY >Now, Naru, Umino. What is your story? >[Umino begins to speak up, but Naru smacks him] KODACHI: (Naru) Well, there was some kind of monster that attacked me, and then the tentacle demons came in, but someone named "Nephrite" saved me, and I was taken to this room full of women, and we all got it on... RANMA: (Umino) And me without my camera. *Sigh* *THWAP CRUNCH* >NARU >Well, Jerry, here's how it is. Before I got involved with Umino here, >I was kind of accident-prone. I seemed to get attacked by monsters a lot. >It’s almost like I’d become, “Naru-chan, Official Battery of the Bad Guys” >or something. But, after awhile, I stopped getting attacked, and moved >on to a normal life. SETSUNA: Yeah, and because I gave her Senshi powers, she always knew when the youma were coming and got out of the way fast. AMY: Nani? Senshi powers? SETSUNA: So I could have a vacation. Ask Richard Beaubein sometime. He'll be more than happy to tell you. >JERRY >So, that’s your summary? AMY: (Naru) No, I left the bit about the stupid "spicy prawn" incident out... >[Naru nods] >JERRY >I assume that means you have no idea why you were called here? RANMA: (Naru) Other than to be on an embarrassing national TV talk show with ratings as high as Umino here, no. >[Naru shakes her head] >[Jerry smiles] >JERRY >Well then, let’s bring out Nephrite! SETSUNA: (Jerry) Yet he's dead, and our plot contrivance fields just ain't gonna do the job. MAGIC VOICE: Oh, don't be so sure about that... *A sound like a hundred thousand people saying "whop" plays, and when it's done, Nephrite and Naru appear in the theater* NEPHRITE: What... the... f(BLEEP)ck... am I doing back _here_?!?!? NARU: Oh, gods, not this again... SETSUNA: What the hell? AMY: (Sakura) Hoeeeeee... >[Nephrite walks out in his business man attire] NEPHRITE: Thanks, but I prefer my general's uniform. >[Naru’s jaw drops to the ground] NARU: My God, are my teeth really that bad? AMY: Never got braces, did you? >NARU >N--Nephrite???!!!! Bu... But you’re dead! Aren’t you? NEPHRITE: Apparently not. NARU: Obviously. >NEPHRITE >You talk like people ever really stay dead in the Sailor Moon universe. RANMA: (Nephrite) Look at Jadeite! How many times has _he_ been brought back? And that bitch Zoisite! >Besides, I’ve been brought back in so many fanfics, it’s like I never left. NARU: Especially those by Moon Momma. NEPHRITE: Still, though, it's worth it. >UMINO (angrily) KODACHI: (Umino) Jerry, I have to take a wizz. Where's the can? >And, who the HELL are you???? NEPHRITE: There are those who call me Nephrite, the man of the stars. NARU: Makes you sound like a gigolo. *Giggle* >NARU >Er... Um... Umino-kun... This is Nephrite... He was my first boyfriend... AMY: (Umino) Okay... that explains so much about you... SETSUNA: (Naru) But not the Bronx accent. See, that's just a bad seiyuu. >UMINO >NANINANINANI????????? RANMA: It's on Fox, for God's sake! The series ended three years ago! KODACHI: Besides, Fran Drescher quit it and decided to do movies instead. >NEPHRITE >I am Nephrite. I was a part of the Dark Kingdom until I fell in love >with Naru and subsequently got killed because of it. NEPHRITE: Actually, no. I was killed because that bitch Zoisite wanted my Dark Crystal so she could find the Nijizuishou and get the Silver Imperium Crystal. Naru here was merely used as bait. >UMINO >Are you saying you want MY Naru-chan? SETSUNA: Slow on the uptake, isn't he? >NEPHRITE >In a nutshell, yes. KODACHI: (Austin Powers) No, this is a nutshell. Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this nutshell? Is this a walnut or a peanut? >[Umino screams and picks up his chair, bringing it down on top of >Nephrite. AMY: (Heero as Umino) Omae o korosu, Nephrite. >He is subsequently pulled away by really big security men, and separated >from Nephrite and Naru by a single chair] NEPHRITE: Which I then pick up and use as a bludgeon to beat him with. >NARU >Oh, God... This is the last time I respond to an Usagi invitation... AMY: (Naru) The birthday parties that turn into orgies are different, though... *KLONK* SETSUNA: No "Usagi's Usual Morning" in here, missy! >[Umino gets back up, wielding a baseball bat. He whacks Nephrite where >the sun doesn’t shine] KODACHI: (Sports announcer) And it's two high-fly balls to the pelvis... going, going, going... home run! NEPHRITE: Oh, God... >NEPHRITE (His voice a few octaves higher) >That’s it, you little weasel! Now I’m gonna kick your little geek ass!! SETSUNA: (Nephrite, crazed) Die, Bill Gates! *Imitates kicking* This is for DOS! *Imitating punches* This is for Windows ME! *Imitates gunfire* This is for tech support! >[He puts a hand on Naru’s breast, and drains energy from her. He then >sends a large blast of dark energy at Umino, who is burnt to a crisp] NEPHRITE: *Hand moves slowly towards Naru's chest* NARU: Not in here, dear. Outside. NEPHRITE: It's not me, it's the fic. >NARU >Oh, my god!! You killed Umino! ALL: (Kyle) You bastard! >JERRY >Er... well... I think it’s time to go to a commercial... NOW! >(whispering) >Someone clean that mess up! AMY: (Jerry) Oh, God, the janitors are gonna have a fit... NEPHRITE: Can we take a commercial break too? *Exit all* (Reverse door sequence) (SoS bridge. The riffers, Senshi, and Jack are now on the couches and stools, sitting around and drinking.) JACK: Amazing. I'd never have thought that it'd be this f(BLEEP)cked up around here. SETSUNA: It's our nineteenth episode. What'd you expect? NEPHRITE: For me to be on a beach in Maui with Naru! RANMA: To be back in Nerima with Kodachi! KODACHI: To be f(BLEEP)cking Ranma somewhere while hanging upside-down from the ceiling and eating chocolate pudding. ALL OTHERS: O_o *Collective facefault* HOTARU: *Enters with a reluctant Rini on her arm* Hey, everybody... oh, no! No chairs left! JACK: S'okay, honey, just use my lap. HOTARU: ^_^ *Leaps into his lap and drops Rini on Setsuna's* SETSUNA: *Spews her drink all over the bridge* Geez, Not-So-Small Lady... RANMA: *Laughs* KODACHI: Nice one! RINI: Shut up! *Pouts* I still can't get any! NEPHRITE: Why am I not surprised? RINI: *Shakes fist* I'm warning you... SETSUNA: *Sigh* Okay, Small Lady, come with me. I'll get you something to tone it down a little. *Leaves with Rini in tow* HOTARU: *Makes no move from Jack's lap to go to the empty chair* Wonder what she's giving Rini? KODACHI: *Whispers something in Ranma's ear, and he goes a bright red* Like the idea? RANMA: (Stuttering) Well... uh... erm... that is... *Faints* MAGIC VOICE: Hoo, boy. I'm gonna have a bitch of a time cleaning this up. Anyway, I'm setting three new ground rules for you people. Number one: in order to preserve Naru's precious sanity, she will never riff a fic. NARU: *Wide grin* MAGIC VOICE: Yes, well, that doesn't exempt Nephrite. NEPHRITE: Damn. MAGIC VOICE: Number two: From now on, Kodachi, you are not to use the holodeck for threesomes with Ranma. KODACHI: Aww... *Pouts* MAGIC VOICE: And finally, number three: *Ding* Oh, wait... my Hot Pocket's done. I'll be back later. *Clicks off P.A.* HOTARU: That was... random... JACK: Yeah, but you gotta love the idiot. *Red button flashes* Hey, Hanson's calling. *Hits the button* (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: Why is it that during every single fic we've sent you, you find some excuse to leave the theater early and do some middle segment? DIAMOND: *Hands Wiseman a sheet of paper and continues groping at Emerald* WISEMAN: *Sniff* Get a room, you two. *Looks at paper* Oh. It's in your punishment sheet from Beryl. (SoS) JACK: Yeah! At least Beryl isn't here now; she's be sending us lemons. HOTARU: Shh! Don't give him any ideas! You'll overload his brain! RANMA: What brain? He's a freakin' skull. (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: NANI?!? That explains so much... but not why I'm doing this! *Slaps button* (SoS) JACK: Aw, crap, we've got FANFIC SIIIIGN!!! (Door sequence 19.2) Door 6: As usual, the standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: The Masamune from Chrono Trigger. Jack picks it up and stores it in Hammerspace. Door 4: A three-bottle set of red wine. Nephrite picks it up and you move on. Door 3: Five okinomiyakis from Ucchan's. Ranma's eyes light up, but Kodachi grabs them first and you continue to... Door 2: Nephrite's precious Ferrari. A trapdoor takes it down to the armory. Door 1: Glass with wire in it - you know, the kind in school doors? Hotaru dusts the thing with her Glaive. (SoS Theater. Seating order: Jack and Hotaru, Kodachi, Ranma, Nephrite.) NEPHRITE: God, what's with you two? HOTARU: 'Scuse me. I see nothing wrong with this. JACK: I don't either. *Silly grin* >[CM Break] >[Some business guy stands against a gray background] HOTARU: That's just about everything in corporate America. >BUSINESS GUY >Have you been in an accident? KODACHI: Yeah. A plot contrivance sent us back to this godforsaken Satellite! >If so, you are liable to collect millions of dollars because the >American legal system is so screwed up that anyone can threaten to >sue and make millions! HOTARU: Hey, they let President Clinton off, so why not? Anything's possible. >Call 1800-WE-SUE-U now! KODACHI: I prefer 1-800-WE-SCREW-U. >[End of CM Break] JACK: As evidenced by us being back in the theater. >[Naru is making out with Nephrite in the corner of the stage] NEPHRITE: (Clinical) It all looks so odd when you watch yourself doing it from a third-person angle. >JERRY >Next, we have a special treat for you. HOTARU: We baked brownies! >The Outer Senshi!! RANMA: Well, Haruka's baked, but that's no tin of brownies. >[Sailors Uranus, JACK AND RANMA: (Stan and Kyle) Dude, you ain't sailin' on my anus! >Neptune, and Pluto walk out and sit down] KODACHI: Thus making their skirts fly way up. NEPHRITE: *Drools, and then slaps self* Nani? What's gotten into me? KODACHI: Other than that 12-inch-long - *CLANG* HOTARU: *Stows away the Silence Glaive* No. >JERRY >Wait a minute... NEPHRITE: (Jerry) Aren't I supposed to be on from the noon to one time slot? And isn't it six at night now? >Isn’t there a Sailor Saturn? JACK: (British) No, no, I don't think so, no, no... no. HOTARU: A-HEM. JACK: It's just a riff, dear. Lighten up. >Where is she? RANMA: (Setsuna) She's off destroying the world and picking us up some subs for lunch. I'm getting a meatball sub! >PLUTO (whispering) >She got ill and had to stay home JACK: Looks like I need to be a doctor again... HOTARU: Ooh! Sounds fun... (sultry) but I have this terrible cough in my throat... JACK: I know what can cure it! A massage! HOTARU: A massage? JACK: With my tongue! *They start to French. Kodachi hits them both* KODACHI: Hey, if I can't make hentai jokes, you can't French. JACK AND HOTARU: Bite us. >(at audible level) >To do our housework! HOTARU: Uh... no... Michiru and Lita cleaned the house and such. At worst, I only cooked every now and again. >NEPTUNE >Ara... Setsuna... You said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet >again... JACK: (Michiru) Baka desu. >PLUTO >Damn it! It’s all this freaking whispering I have to do! What the hell’s >with my character?! “Dead Scream,” bah! If I was allowed to talk at normal >levels, embarrassing stuff like this wouldn’t happen! NEPHRITE: That, and her little time with Jadeite just after the Silver Millenium. HOTARU: *Jaw drops* JACK: Naninaninani?!? NEPHRITE: You don't know; I'm not going to tell you. >[Pluto continues to ramble on as Neptune tries to calm her down. Uranus >merely fidgets in her seat impatiently] KODACHI: (Haruka, thinking) Should have used Preparation H... >JERRY >Well, now that was interesting, wasn’t it? Next we have a man with an >interesting relationship to the Sailor Senshi. Here is Chiba Mamoru!! RANMA: Mr. "I can't decide... Rei or Usagi? And then there's Setsuna..." HOTARU: Another guy Setsuna's going after? Oy vey. JACK: Hotaru-chan, you're not Jewish. HOTARU: Humor me. >[Mamoru walks out and sits down] KODACHI: On Fisheye's lap. *Drool* There's nothing I like more than to see two guys make out. JACK: *Head explodes, flinging chibi-Tygras and chibi-Bengalis everywhere. It soon reassembles* Kodachi... go read "Fit to Be Tied". MAGIC VOICE: Leave me out of this. I'm never showing you guys that fic again. JACK AND HOTARU: Thank Kami-sama! >JERRY >Now, if I’m reading this card right, you’re actually Sailor Moon’s >boyfriend?? KODACHI: (Mamoru) No, I'm currently Fisheye's "special friend". JACK: Kodachi, unless you want my head to keep exploding, stop with the cheap yaoi jokes. >MAMORU >Yes, that’s true, although I spend so much time needing rescuing, one >has to wonder who’s the man in this relationship. JACK: *Sigh* Hell, go ahead. Even the fic's damning me now. >[Uranus snickers] NEPHRITE: I never knew that an anus could laugh! >MAMORU >Shut up, Haruka. Unless you want a rose stuck up your anus. HOTARU: Hmm... we ought to try that sometime. JACK: O_o' >URANUS >Oh, like I haven’t heard that one a million times! >[She takes the Space Sword out of wherever the senshi pull those swords >and stick thingies from] RANMA: Her puss-MMMPH! *Nephrite covers Ranma's mouth* KODACHI: Well, "Virgin Warrior Sail" - MMMMMMPH!!! *Nephrite covers her mouth too* NEPHRITE: What did I say about hentai? >You’d better be prepared to back that up, Cape Boy! KODACHI: (Freakin' _exact_ Zoisite) I'm gonna get you, Cape Boy! *Zoisite Laugh* JACK: *Shudder* Endymion would be terrified if he were here. >MAMORU >Oh, yeah? NEPHRITE: (Mamoru, whiny) I'm telling! >You lesbian [beep] RANMA: So he's beeping her now? I thought that only Michiru did that. HOTARU: *CLONG* *Stows the Silence Glaive* No jokes about Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama! >URANUS >You [beep] [beep] [beep]ing [beep] [beep] [beep]! JACK: (Jeff Goldblum) Cruel, but good word usage. >MAMORU >I thought I told Luna to keep quiet about that! ALL: ... NEPHRITE: Anyone makes an Oscar riff here and they die. *Hands glow* JACK: I second that. *Draws sword* HOTARU: *Hands glow* I agree. RANMA: (Innocent) Why's everybody looking at me? >[Uranus gets up and starts punching Mamoru] >[The big security guards get up to break up the fight, then see Uranus’ >sword and decide against it] KODACHI: (Big Guard) He doesn't pay us enough for this. Screw him and his set! >JERRY (From his very safe spot in the audience) >Can someone break this up? Sailors? NEPHRITE: (Setsuna) Shyeah, right. Do you think we have a death wish? JACK: (Michiru) Setsuna-san, we've already been killed twice. NEPHRITE: (Setsuna) Oh, yeah... forgot... >PLUTO >Do we look stupid? HOTARU: (Setsuna) Usagi, though, she's a different matter entirely. >[Neptune sighs and walks over to Uranus. She whispers something in >Uranus’ ear] KODACHI: Kinda like earlier, eh, Ranma-sama? RANMA: *Sweatdrop* >URANUS >Are we even allowed to do that on national Tv? Kids watch this, you know. HOTARU: That reminds me, why am I watching this? >NEPTUNE >Yes, but there are some things in life only adults can enjoy... NEPHRITE: (Michiru) Fine wine, cigars, and rampant sex without walls being some of them. (Normal) Nani? Where did that come from? >[Uranus turns red and follows Neptune off stage] >JERRY >Er... I guess it’s time for our next guest. She’s also got some emotional >ties to Mamoru here. Let’s meet JACK: (Jerry) Chibi-Usa, the creature from the pit of hell! RINI: (Over P.A.) A-hem... OOH! Oh! AAAAAAHH! *P.A. clicks off* JACK: I didn't need to hear that. >Beryl, former queen of the Dark Kingdom! RANMA: Ain't reincarnation a bitch? >[Queen Beryl walks out in a black leather outfit that looks like a >Sailor Starlight uniform. She walks down to center stage, where she >unzips her top and gives the cheering audience a peep show] KODACHI AND HOTARU: Feh. KODACHI: What's she got that I haven't? HOTARU: *Trails finger down Jack's chest* I'm better than her, hmm? JACK: Obviously. >JERRY >Okay... Ms. Beryl, can you give us a summary of what happened after >the sailor senshi defeated you so many years ago? HOTARU: (Beryl) I died, and then I came back to menace the Senshi and various other people by sending them bad fanfics in an effort to retrieve the Ginzuishou and take over the world. JACK: (Beryl) Plus, I was brought back in so many fanfics myself, it's like I never died in the first place. RANMA: (Beryl) I guess you could say dying really takes the life outta you. >BERYL >Sure Jerry. When Mettallia possessed me, Sailor Moon thought I was dead. >But, I was just really, really hurt. After walking around as a living >Band-Aid for a few months, I discovered my true calling. NEPHRITE: She's now the owner of a band called "Evil Petting Zoo". RANMA: (Exact Dr. Evil) Good job, honey! You've become evil! >I’m now one of the main attractions at Barney’s Strip Parlor, over on >69th and Cherry Hill. KODACHI: Triple entendre here! HOTARU: Is anyone other than Kodachi actually keeping count of the hentai comments here? *Silence* I didn't think so. >JERRY >And, this lifestyle pleases you? KODACHI: (Beryl) Well, usually I can get one of the girls to come home with me to practice my "tongue-fu", if you get my drift... *SMACK* HOTARU: *Draws back hand* Behave, you! >BERYL >Well, the tips are great. The only thing I miss is my Endymion. MAGIC VOICE: Heh heh heh... methinks that I should pull another plot contrivance here. Let's see... *Sounds of shuffling cards* Draw the Endymion card... and the Beryl card... and just for fun, add the Usagi card to the mix... and you get either a threesome or... this! *Pipes sound from Crystal Palace in* SERENITY: ENDYMION!!!!! GET AWAY FROM HER!!! BERYL: (Sultry) Oh, come on, Serenity... it might be fun... ENDYMION: Gyaaah... *Nosebleed. The sound of a thud is heard over the P.A.* NEPHRITE: That was... odd... >JERRY >Endymion? HOTARU: Tamahome! JACK: Miaka! HOTARU: Tamahome! JACK: Miaka! HOTARU: Tamahome! JACK: Miaka! NEPHRITE: That'll be enough of that, you two. *Grumble* Damn "Fushiigi Yuigi"-holics... >BERYL >Yeah. That’s him, right there RANMA: No, wait... that's not Endymion! That's Tsubasa dressed as Endymion! >[She points to Mamoru, who blushes] KODACHI: (Endymion) Dude, I'm gonna get some! Heh heh heh! HOTARU: KODACHI NO... *Drops hand* Oh, what's the point? >MAMORU (whispering) >Please, not here... Not on Tv... Usagi’ll kill me... >[Beryl snaps her fingers, and Mamoru drops to his knees. He bows at >Beryl’s feet] HOTARU: And then promptly licks them clean. NEPHRITE: Much like Motoki in "Ac-Anime Fanfic Awards 2000". >MAMORU >Yes, Mistress... I will be your love slave... RANMA: Hell, if I weren't with Kodachi-sama, _I'd_ be her love slave! >BERYL >Now, that’s the way I like my men! KODACHI: (Beryl) Over-easy! Just how I pleasure them! HOTARU: *WATAK WHACK CLONG* That was wrong. Now I'll never eat eggs again. >JERRY >Um... Yes... This is interesting... JACK: (Jerry, British) And now for something completely different... thank God. >Perhaps it’s time for another guest who’ll add more interest to this mix. HOTARU: (Jerry) Don't forget to add the interest, lust, and fights at the same time. Stir softly, and then add the freak/dumbass guests in equal proportions. Bake at the "NBC" setting on your oven for 2 hours and serve. Serves an audience of two hundred million. >Neherenia, Queen of the Dead Moon! >[Neherenia runs out and smacks Beryl with a mirror, breaking it on >her head] NEPHRITE: (Neherenia) Yeah, beeyatch! OTHERS: *Blink* >BERYL >AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! YOU [beep]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KODACHI: Look! 33 exclamation brand dild - MMMPH! *Hotaru covers Kodachi's mouth* HOTARU: _NO_. >Endymion! Kill her! >[Mamoru rises blindly] HOTARU: (Capt. Mauser) I got no eyes. Where are my eyes? >NEHERENIA >Mamo-chan!! Kill HER!! JACK: (Mamoru) Head... overloading... too much... information... to follow... *BOOM!* *Head explodes, flinging Gate Keys everywhere. It reassembles* >[Mamoru pauses, not sure of which villaness’ order to follow] >[The two women growl and start at each other again. They start pulling >hair] RANMA, JACK, AND NEPHRITE: Catfight! Catfight! *SLAP WHACK CLONK CLUNK WA-TAK!* WOMEN: I think not. >[The huge security guards pull them apart] RANMA: (Herb as big guard) Hehehehehehe... I got to feel boobies! *SLAP* >NEHERENIA >NO!!! She’ll take my man!! I can’t let her!!!!!!!!! HOTARU: (Neherenia) I must scream at the top of my lungs for no clear reason! >[The men sit her in the corner and hand her a mirror] >NEHERENIA >Ooohhhhh... Look at my face... I’m so gorgeous... JACK: (Neherenia) I look like Roseanne Barr! >JERRY >Now that we’ve filled our fight quotient of the day, tell us what it’s >like to work in a strip joint, Ms. Beryl. NEPHRITE: (Beryl) Call me QUEEN, you insolent peasant! *Imitates whip cracking* >BERYL >Oh, it’s nothing all that special. I do some dancing, mostly lapdancing. >Should I show you? HOTARU: Hee hee hee... JACK: Not in here, honey. >[The crowd cheers] >BERYL >I’ll take that as a yes. RANMA: Yes! YES! For the love of God, YES!!! KODACHI: Then allow me! *SLAP* >[She climbs onto Mamoru’s lap and begins shoving her breasts in his face] NEPHRITE: (Mamoru) Got milk? >[The crowd cheers louder] >[Jerry sits in the audience, waiting to regain control of his show] HOTARU: (Jerry) Damn remotes always die when something crappy's on... >VOICE >Machinasai!!!!! >[A blast of power comes from nowhere and kills Beryl. RANMA: Damn electric companies!!! >Sailor Moon then runs on-stage. The perky background music that always >seems to start when she shows up begins to play] JACK: Yeah, Magus' theme from Crono Trigger. RANMA: What about "Kim"? NEPHRITE: I was thinking "We Are the Champions". HOTARU: Nah, the MST3K theme is more appropriate. KODACHI: No. The best music is definitely the Neo-Exdeath theme from FFV. >MOON >Ai to seigi no >Seeraa fuku bishoujo senshi >Seera Muun!!!!!! >Tsuki ni kawatte, >Oshiyokiyo!!! RANMA: Roughly translated... *Squints* "I, to say 'Gino', Sarah, f(BLEEP)ck you bitch ho. Joe! Sense ye. See ra moon! To suck eenie, ka-watte" - is that karate or something? - "Oh, choke! Yo!" >[she motions to Beryl’s dead body] >And, that’s what you get when you mess with my man! SERENITY: (Over P.A.) Or translate Japanese into bad English phonics! RANMA: (Sarcastic) Well, _sorry_! >MAMORU >Eeeeeehhhhhhh.... Usako..... Hi. HOTARU: (Mamoru) It's just what it looks like, I swear! No, wait... that didn't sound right... aw, crap! >MOON (coldly) >Don’t you “Usako” me!! I’ll deal with you when we’re NOT on national Tv. JACK: (Usagi) Here's a two, Mamo-chan... and dealer gets ten. >AUDIENCE >Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........ RANMA: (Baka in audience) You can see her goodies! JACK: *Evil grin* (Another baka in audience) Is that a goodie bag? RANMA: *Spews* >MAMORU >Shut up, will ya? I’m in enough trouble here! >[Sailor Moon takes a seat beside Mamoru] >URANUS’ VOICE (from backstage) >Oooohhh yeah, Neptune!!! Make me feel like the wind!!!!!!!!!! KODACHI: (Haruka) I sure felt the wind - especially the wind I passed a few seconds ago! >NEPTUNE’S VOICE (giggling) >Now, now... Be good! You don’t want to get the seas angry, now do you? >URANUS’ VOICE >Yes I do!!!! Come on, punish me!! Punish me!!! JACK: ... That explains so much and so little... NEPHRITE: Though I'd expected the S&M from Rei, not Michiru. JACK: And what of Ami in "Chibi-Usa's 7th Birthday"? NEPHRITE: Don't remind me. *Shudder* >[Jerry shakes his head] HOTARU: And smiles and nods. >JERRY >I’m hoping we can get some peace now. Our next guest is Sailor Venus. >Let’s hope there’s nothing too crazy about her. NEPHRITE: (Muted trumpet) Wah wah waaaaaaah... JACK: Of course, seeing how this story's been going, there's no way she's anything _but_ crazy. >[The big security guys drag out a blond girl in a straight jacket] KODACHI: I prefer the lesbian jackets. *Waits for the walloping* JACK: What, no walloping? HOTARU: No, this one's legit due to the typo. KODACHI: Damn. And I was kinda starting to like it, too... >BIG SECURITY GUY 1 >This is just a stop on her route to the local mental institution. NEPHRITE: (Ray Charles in "Spy Hard") Next stop, Melrose! ... I think. >JERRY >My God! What happened to her? HOTARU: (Minako) I was forced to watch bad fanfics for three weeks straight... and they wouldn't let me have any popcorn! *Evil laugh* >VENUS >IT’S THE JACKIE CHIANG FANFICS!!!!!!!!!!!!! JACKIE CHIANG!!!!!! >JACKIE CHIANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL: *Wince and cover their ears* RANMA: How many times have I told you to turn down the volume? JACK: Well, excuse me! The remote's batteries are dead! HOTARU: We have a remote control? JACK: Well, sure. Doesn't every theater have one? OTHERS: *Sweatdrop* NEPHRITE: (Guy from Seinfeld) Jacky Chiles! Jacky Chiles! MAGIC VOICE: A-hem. That's hitting a little close to home, buddy. >BIG SECURITY GUARD 2 >Sure thing, kid. Let’s go off to that happy land of fluffy bunnies now, okay? RANMA: Why the hell would you want to visit Usagi and Chibi-Usa? >VENUS >Is that the place with the pretty white walls? HOTARU: (BSG) Nope, it's the place where they stick you with needles and feed you pellets for meals. >BIG SECURITY GUARD 1 >Yep. >VENUS >Think they’ll let me keep my belt this time? KODACHI: (Minako) I wanna play Castlevania and I can use my belt as a whip! (Normal) Feh. I prefer the real thing. RANMA: *Blush* Kodachi! KODACHI: What? I know you like the paddles and the handcuffs... RANMA: *Nosebleed* JACK: I did not need or _want_ to know that. HOTARU: *Cracks knuckles* Neither did I. NEPHRITE: That makes three of us. *Draws his StarSword* >[The big security guards drag her away] JACK: (Minako) But Jerry, I love you! I love you! Damn you guards, let me go! Jerry-sama awaits me! >[Jerry rubs his forehead as if he has a headache] >JERRY >Sailor Jupiter? Please be sane. HOTARU: (Jerry) Unlike the author of this fanfic... MAGIC VOICE: Hey, watch the author bashing. >[Sailor Jupiter runs out, carrying a pink scarf] RANMA: (Makoto) Look at me, I'm flying! >JUPITER >Haruka-san? I brought your scarf back!!!! JACK: (Makoto) Sorry about the blood on it; I had to strangle the baka onna that was writing this thing... MAGIC VOICE: What did I just say? BOLT! *Lightning fries Jack. His tuxedo smokes slightly* >JERRY >Er... Sailor Uranus left. >[Jupiter looks crestfallen] NEPHRITE: Hers would definitely be the Crest of Bisexuality or perhaps the Crest of Cooking. >[Sailor Uranus runs back on-stage and whispers something in Jupiter’s ear. >Jupiter’s face brightens and she runs off with Uranus] HOTARU: (Makoto) Wai! Motoki's backstage! >JERRY >That was short. RANMA: So's Jack's *DING*. *CLANG WATAK BOOOOOOM!* JACK: *Stows his cane, sword, and various explosives back in Hammerspace* That is the _last_ time I ever let you make a *DING* joke in here. RANMA: *Coughs smoke* >Here’s Sailor Mercury! >[nothing happens] RANMA: ... Just like... *Notices Jack with a Duke Nukem shrinker gun in his hands* every other Jerry Springer show. JACK: *Stows gun* Good. >MOON >(whispering) >Oh, Mercury’s busy and can’t be here... >(at audible level) NEPHRITE: She's stuck on the Eisei no Senshi! >She’s doing my homework! >PLUTO >Sailor Moon... loud part soft... >MOON >Oopsie! Ignore that last part... >JUPITER’S VOICE >With both of you??? I’ve never done that before... NEPHRITE: And if anyone makes any guesses as to what it is, they're gonna get a ki blast up theirs. JACK: ... That was inappropriate. >JERRY (In the midst of a sweatdrop) >I’m hoping Sailor Mars’ll stay put for more than a few seconds... JACK: Hey, she did with Mamoru. >[A very pregnant Sailor Mars walks out] >MOON >Rei-chan!! What happened?? HOTARU: (Rei) Isn't it obvious, Usagi-baka? I'm pregnant, kisama! >MAMORU (whispering) >I knew it was a bad idea to go on a talk show... >MARS >Oh, you mean the baby? The father is... I don’t know if I should say >this on Tv... KODACHI: (Rei) George Carlin'd sue me for stealing his routine. >BAKA AUDIENCE MEMBER >Say it!!! HOTARU: And so, with nothing left to live for, she obeys the chanted command from the crowd below. >MARS >Well, of course I’m going to say it! I just wanted to make it look like >it was hard for me! RANMA: Apparently someone was. *Silence* No painful beatings? *BAM WHACK CLONK CRUNCH RIP TEAR BASH SMASH!!!* (Weakly) I had to ask... >The father of this baby is... >[dramatic pause] JACK: How can a pause father a kid? >MARS >Mamoru!! RANMA: DUCK AND COVER!!! *He and Kodachi duck under their chairs* JACK: What? It can't be worse than what we've been through. >[Sailor Moon looks at Mamoru, and fire spews from the background] JACK: *Jack, Hotaru, and Nephrite are roasted by the fire. He coughs smoke* I stand corrected. RANMA: Yep, it's full Soun Tendo demon-head mode. >MOON >Mamo-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >[Mamoru hides behind the still intimate Nephrite and Naru] JACK: Hotaru, they're beating our record! HOTARU: We'll have to change that record, then... NEPHRITE: Not in here, you won't. >NARU >Ooh, a threesome? Well, since everyone else in the Sailor Moon universe >seems to have a crush on you, why not? NEPHRITE: Not one word, Kodachi. KODACHI: Why does everybody blame me? >MOON >Does this mean what I think it does?? HOTARU: (Usagi) I don't know what "masturbation" means. Could someone explain it to me, please? KODACHI: *Grumble* Hypocrite. >NEPHRITE >Naru’s going to be really sore in the morning? KODACHI: ... *Sees Hotaru and Nephrite glaring at her* Shut up. >MOON >No, baka!! If Mamo-chan doesn’t want me to steal a Starlight uniform and >show him what they were REALLY made for, he’ll leave you two alone. KODACHI: Hey, Usagi! I'll lend you mine! RANMA: Um... *Sees Jack, Hotaru, and Nephrite glaring at him* I'm out of this one, okay? >I was asking about how Mars got pregnant. >MARS >Well, baka, there’s only one way to make a baby. NEPHRITE: By my count, though, there's five that come to mind immediately. >MOON >You [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep]ing [beep]!!!!! JACK: Hey, didn't we call Beryl that once? >[She picks up a chair and throws it at Mars. The fight continues until >the big security guards make another appearance and break them apart] >JERRY >Y’know, we really should nail those chairs down... HOTARU: Real smart, Jerry. Then they'll break the legs of the chair and use them as weapons! >PLUTO >Um... Sailor Moon... I don’t think hurting the baby’s something you want >to do... >MOON >And, why not? That little hoochy [beep]ed my man!! >PLUTO >Um... If you value the future of the world, RANMA: Twenty bucks, by my count. >you wouldn’t kill it. That baby is... >[deliberate pause] >PLUTO >The kid’s going to be Chibiusa. HOTARU AND JACK: That explains so much. RINI: (Over P.A.) I HEARD THAT!!! >MOON (quoting Umino’s earlier question) >NANINANINANI????? JACK: So how do you say "What the f(BLEEP)ck?" in Japanese? NEPHRITE: I think it's "nande kuta", though I'm not sure. >[Pluto blushes] >PLUTO >Sorry I didn’t tell you before... We all thought it was best if you >believed she was your daughter... That, and Mars wanted to see the look >on your face. >MOON >But, wouldn’t the world be much better off without the little brat?? JACK: *Evil grin* We on the SoS certainly would be. RINI: (Over P.A.) Hey! *Sniffle* That's not nice. JACK: Sorry, Rini! Just bashing the fic! >PLUTO >True, but it’s my unfortunate duty to make sure time flows the way it >should, therefore preventing a time paradox that would wipe out all life >on the planet, not to mention my cozy little place in Maui. >[Jerry listens to the director yelling things into his headphone] >JERRY >(whispering) >Now It’s time for my favorite part of the show... audience participation! NEPHRITE: (Whispering) Now Jerry's doing it too! (Normal) Aw, crap! Now I'm doing it! (Yelling) S(BLEEP)IT!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! >(at audible level) >Oh, no... Not that!!! There is no god!! HOTARU: *Wields Glaive* Duo-kun and I will have words with you, then. >(yelling) >Damn it!! Now I’m doing it!! >[Jerry walks into the audience, where an indignant negro lady steals the >microphone from him] RANMA: (Woman) I can pawn this for fifty bucks! >NEGRO LADY >Yeah... I’d like to talk to the girl in the back with the bright orange >hair. I thought the little dead geek boy was your boyfriend. How come you >didn’t beat the crap outta that other guy? KODACHI: (Naru) Because Nephrite actually enjoys getting beaten up. NEPHRITE: Kodachi... I'm warning you... >NEPHRITE >Because she’s agreed to devote her energy to the noble cause of JACK: Cooking Julia Child's Fish Fillets Silvestre! >our relationship!! She no longer needs to be limited to the confines of >human romance! She’s getting it from the best now, baby! >NEGRO LADY >Humph! Well, I’m just sayin’ that if it was me over there, I’d [beep] >[beep] [beep] that [beep]’s [beep]in’ [beep] [beep]!!! HOTARU: But how can you [beep] a [beep]'s [beep]? I thought it was a (BLEEP). >[cheers from the audience] >[Jerry now goes to a white hick man] NEPHRITE: Ah, half the population of Arkansas! >HICK MAN >Um.. Yeah. I kinda want to know if I can go out wit that cute chick >wit da mirrah? HOTARU: Michiru? No, she's a lesbian. JACK: *Facefault* (Gendo) Her actions during the Sixteenth Fic seemed to demonstrate otherwise. >NEHERENIA >Are you willing to be my loyal servant and give up your soul to keep me >young and beautiful forever? >HICK MAN >Sure. I ain’t usin’ it none. >[Jerry quickly backs away from the hick man and goes to another lady] RANMA: (Jerry) Want to meet the other Jerry Springer? KODACHI: (Lady in audience) I can make the other Jerry _spring_. *CLONK* >LADY >I’m interested in knowing what’s going to happen between that guy and >Sailor Moon when they get home. NEPHRITE: Not a word, you two. >[The audience cheers] >MOON >Well, not that it’s any of your business, but he’ll be getting quite a >talking-to. >MARS (slyly) >And, then he’ll be getting a whipping! >MOON >WHAT????? ALL: AND THEN HE'LL BE GETTING A WHIPPING! KODACHI: Whip it good! *Imitates whip* >[The big security guards stop the catfight before it starts, and then >complain that they don’t get paid enough] JACK: Do we get paid? HOTARU: I think that it's room and board. JACK: Damn. >[Jerry sighs] >JERRY >Ugh... What a disaster... Just go to a commercial, will you? When we >come back, I’ll have my final thoughts. NEPHRITE: (Jerry) And then I'll blow my head off again for ratings. >[CM break] >[End of CM break] JACK: ... This must not be cable, then. >JERRY >We saw a different side of the sailor senshi today. Violent, sadistic, >really, really, POed. This was a stretch from the good-hearted girls we’d >come to know and love. But, that is no reason to lose faith in them. RANMA: (Hick guy from audience) Shore it is! >Despite their personal problems, they’ve always been able to band together >as a team and save the world. HOTARU: Before bedtime to boot! >But that doesn’t mean you should imitate them. NEPHRITE: (Jerry) You can't jump off a building in high heels and land without breaking something. You can't transform by holding your hand in the air and screaming magical phrases. And for God's sake, if you're a man, don't try to squeeze into one of those sailor fukus. >They’re not always right, y’know. Just because Sailor Mars feels it’s >okay to carry Mamoru’s love child doesn’t make it all right for you to >do the same. JACK: I could carry it in my arms, but not the way Jerry's thinking. >Just because Sailor Venus has been driven insane in too many Jackie >Chiang fanfics to mention doesn’t mean she’s not an incredible author. >You have to remember the difference between reality and fiction. KODACHI: And that is... HOTARU: Up here, there is no difference. >[he pops an asprin] >And never let the two merge if you know what’s good for your own sanity. >I’m Jerry Springer, and that’s my final thought. JACK: (Jerry) Now where's my pistol, so I can make it my _final_ thought? >[End] RANMA: Here's an end worth looking at! *Drops his pants* (_|_) *SMACK* YEEEEEEEOOOOOWWWW!!!!! KODACHI: Hee hee hee... >~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >So, what do you think? This was my first humor fanfic; should I write more? HOTARU: What shall we rate this fic? NEPHRITE: Six. Too much hentai for my tastes. RANMA: Seven. I'd have rated higher, but I was hit too many times to remember most of it. KODACHI: Five. I wish she hadn't censored the swearing... and the catfights and the lapdancing and the topless women... *Goes off into dream state* HOTARU: Eight. Funny and tart, with just a dash of violence. JACK: Ten. OTHERS: NANI?!? JACK: No actual hentai scenes. >Remember my email addy: MinakoX33@aol.com JACK: Shall we? HOTARU: Let's. *Exeunt all* (Reverse door sequence) (SoS Bridge. Naru's waiting there for the riffers, a tray of snacks in hand.) NARU: *Munching on a cracker* Hope they're okay. Those fics were evil. *Enter the riffers* Hey, Nephrite-sama! NEPHRITE: Hi, Naru-chan. The fic was... decent... for a Jerry Springer episode. NARU: You're joking. JACK: I wish. But still, it was nice to see Beryl OOC and half-nekkid. RANMA: It's _nekkid_ time! HOTARU: Ranma, I'm warning you... NARU: At any rate, you got a call. Someone named "Wiseman" was calling to see if you had any anaphrodisiacs. HOTARU: Hoo, boy... NARU: He called back about thirty minutes later, saying that he didn't need it anymore, and that he'd killed some gemstones or something. JACK: ... Looks like Diamond and Emerald are gone... SETSUNA: *Enters* We've got a problem, people. It looks like the ship's under attack. ALL: NANI?!?!? SETSUNA: The UFO's launched a fleet of Droids towards us. They'll hit in approximately 96 hours. NEPHRITE: Which means that we've got 96 hours to take out Wiseman and the droids. JACK: This is not good... *Red light flashes* Looks like the King of Pop's calling. *Hits the button* (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: That's it. I'm tired of toying with you. You've got 96 hours to turn over the Ginzuishou before my Droids attack - and destroy - the Satellite. (SoS) JACK: Beryl put in defenses. We can take out whatever you send! (To Setsuna, very quietly) We can, can't we? SETSUNA: *Shakes head, very slightly* (To Jack) The systems aren't automated. We'd need at least three gunners to take them out. NEPHRITE: Leave it to me. *Grin* I owe the dark forces some of what they gave me. RANMA: Hey, I can hit those suckers! Lemme man a cannon! KODACHI: Oh, hohohohohohohoho! The knaves are no match for the Black Rose of the Eisei no Senshi, Kodachi Kuno, and her Ranma-sama! Oh, hohohohohohohohoho! JACK: *Wince* So, Wiseman, send us whatever you want - we'll take you down! (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: We shall see, fool, we shall see... *Telekinetically presses button* (SoS) JACK: This is not gonna be easy, people, but we've got to get to the Black Moon UFO somehow... and the TTPOTS ain't gonna help us now. (FWOOSH) \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ ----0---- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ AUTHOR'S NOTES By all things screwy and not-so-screwy, there's no way that I could have done this without summer school. Two episodes in one week... oy vey. My head hurts, and I've still got the season finales to do! About them, by the way... they're a two-parter. One's the fics, and the other's a surprise. Just get "La Soldier" off Napster. That's all I'm gonna say. Thirdly, the fics for the season finale are a Marrissa Picard fic by Stephen Ratliff and an Ah! Megami-sama! lemon by the great Shinji Ikari the 10 o' Clock Assassin. Expect them by July fourth, and feel free to beat me over the head if I don't get it done. Onsce knows where I live. ^_- Lastly, Sailor Janus, who won the contest back in episode 16, gets the cameo in episode 20, and she gets to be a guest riffer! Joy! Rapture! Not-quite-divinity! If _you_ want a guest spot, e-mail me with your character's name, powers, and a general description, and I'll try to work you in. Only three guests to a season, please... otherwise it might screw up the plotline. Ja ne, and someone call my psychiatrist... I'M CRAZY! Oh, HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!! Oh, HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO - *Cough, cough, hack hack hack* (Weakly) Damn throat... Tuxedo Jack TuxedoJack@juno.com Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 1 - COMPLETE! Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 2 (Schedule Finalized) Episode 120: "Memorial Day" and "The New Goddess" (Part 1); "Those Who Dare..." (Part 2) STINGER: ">JERRY >Now that we’ve filled our fight quotient of the day, tell us what it’s >like to work in a strip joint, Ms. Beryl. NEPHRITE: (Beryl) Call me QUEEN, you insolent peasant! *Imitates whip cracking*"