"You've sampled the milk; why buy the cow?" - Jane Curtin as Mary Albright "But Mary, I want you! I want the cow!" - John Lithgow as Dick Solomon ********************************************************************** Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 118 TIME GATE'S TORTURES: "Reunions" Parts 2 and 3 by Blaine ********************************************************************** FREAKIN' HARD DRIVE, CRASH AND LEAVE ME WITH A DISCLAIMER: All Sailor Moon characters belong to Takeuchi Naoko-sama and Toei. Ranma characters belong to Takahashi-san. The Bundys belong to whomever the hell owns "Married: With Children". I make no claim on them, and there's no way in hell I would. The fics being riffed herein belong to Blaine, and again, I make no claim on them. This is done as a humorous commentary to the story, and is not intended to seem cruel or evil. *Demonic laugh* If you don't like this, or you don't like me, then don't read this. That's been your only warning. Oh, yeah, Tuxedo Jack belongs to me, and all your Senshi are belong to Takeuchi-sama. ********************************************************************** In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere out deep in space, The SoS and its five riffers Continue their endless chase! Pursued by some villains called the Black Moon (Who happen to like Debussy's "Claire de Lune") They wanted to steal the Ginzuishou So they sent the SoS the fics They scraped off of their shoes! (SAPPHIRE: Erm... can I get a carpet cleaner here?) (Rubeus) We'll send them cheesy fanfics, (Emerald) Both stupid and inane, (la la la) (Diamond) They'll have to sit and read them all (Sapphire) And they'll surely go insane. (la la la) (Wiseman) Now keep in mind they can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) We want that damn Ginzuishou, So some fanfics we'll now send! SENSHI ROLL CALL! Setsuna! (Prodigious!) Hotaru! (Erm... could anyone tell me what that's doing here?) Teenage Rini! (Dude, where's my Gundam?) Amy! (Who says I'm still sane?) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other science facts, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show, And I need to sit back and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! *Twang* ********************************************************************** (SoS holodcek. A medieval castle scenario is running, and Hotaru is sitting on a throne at the height of a balcony. The other Senshi are nowhere to be found...) HOTARU: Where the hell are they? They were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago. *A quick flash of light, and then Jack appears* JACK: Sorry I'm late... had a slight problem with the transporter. HOTARU: Don't worry. *Kisses him* Where's eveybody else? JACK: Amy's busy trying to fix the transporter, Setsuna's getting ready for the scenario, and Rini... well, she's in Holodeck two. HOTARU: Poor Rini. She hasn't gotten any in a while. JACK: Not since the sick lemon. MAGIC VOICE: This scene sucks. Can I put in a plot contrivance now? *Cheers erupt from a nonexistent audience* All right, what do you want me to do? *Choruses of suggestions erupt, and "Bring in the Bundys!" is one of the loudest* You want the Bundys? HOTARU: Dear God, NO! JACK: Omae o korosu... MAGIC VOICE: (Smug) What're you gonna do, bleed on me? *The Bundys - Al, Peg, Kelly, and Bud - are all teleported into the Holodeck* JACK: Aw, crap. HOTARU: We're screwed. AL: Oh, thank God! There's no bed here. PEG: But you know about my fantasy to do it in a field of flowers... AL: *Yelps and runs away* PEG: No you don't, Al! You're going to do this! (Fading) And you're going to do _ME_! BUD: Okay, what are we doing in merry old England? KELLY: It appears that we have been transported via the space-time wormholes and temporal flux. BUD: Kelly, you must have been hit on the head or something. *Hands Kelly a shield, which she hits herself in the back of the head with* KELLY: (Normal) Cool... a giant Burger King! JACK: -_-''' Is there any way that we can turn this thing off? HOTARU: Maybe if we shut down the Holodeck... *Red light flashes* Great, and to add to the problem, we've got the DiC Scouts on line one... *Exit all to bridge* (SoS Bridge. The original riffers are standing there, repulsed by Al, who's sitting on the couch and using the Hexscreen as a TV. I don't even need to say what he's watching. He's also scratching himself.) SETSUNA: I didn't know we got the Big-Uns Network. HOTARU: How can I funnel the feed to my room? JACK: O_o SETSUNA: More importantly, how'd they get here? JACK: (Sour) That damn Magic Voice. He pulled a plot contrivance. RINI: And he wonders why we hate him... AL: Hey, you - the blue-haired chick. AMY: What? AL: Yeah, you. There anything to eat around here? I'm freakin' starvin'. RINI: (Sultry) You can eat me... *Slaps self* Oh, dear God... I feel so _FILTHY_... *Runs off to bathroom, where the sounds of "Must clean... must clean!" can be heard* AL: I like her. HOTARU: You would. *Red light flashes again* Damn... *The broadcast from the UFO overrides the Big-Uns network* AL: HEY! (Black Moon UFO) RUBEUS: Is this a bad time? (SoS) SETSUNA: Always, Rubeus. HOTARU: Lemme guess... we've got another fic to watch. (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: Actually, this is Rubeus' final test of worth to the Black Moon. If you go insane, he passes. (SoS) JACK: Otherwise? (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: He dies. No pressure. RUBEUS: O_O' Anyway, we found this fic in Beryl's old archives, and we thought it might work... (SoS) JACK: Aw, great... what is it this time? SETSUNA: More Hachi Machi? HOTARU: Another Ruin Explorers lemon? AMY: Perhaps another crappy fic by Jack there? JACK: HEY! (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: No, no the sick Digimon fic he wrote's going to the Satellite of Skulduggery... you'll see. MAGIC VOICE: Hey, Wiseman, my power works over there too. Want a taste? WISEMAN: Eeeep! No! MAGIC VOICE: Thought not. Now stop the Fourth Wall breaching! (SoS) JACK: That was pointless... HOTARU: Well, since we're not getting a fic, let's just shut off the Hexfield, and we'll all go back to bed... *Jack nips at her earlobe* Not now, you lecher! (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: You're not getting off that easy! Rubeus! The test begins now! Send them the Blainefic! RUBEUS: *Gulp* Yes, sir... *Hits the button and the Hexfield goes dark* WISEMAN: ... What'd you do? RUBEUS: I sent them the fic. WISEMAN: No, you didn't! You must have ended the experiment! RUBEUS: I'll put the video feed back on! I'll get the feed working! WISEMAN: No need... *A sound of an explosion is heard. When the feed turns back on, Rubeus' corpse is lying in a corner of the room and Diamond and Emerald are next to Wiseman.* Now, can we get this thing to work? *Hits the right button* (SoS) PEG: Oh, Aaaaaal.... AL: Aw, craaaaaap... JACK: Great. Just great. SETSUNA: We've got FANFIC SIIIIGN!!! (Door sequence) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: An AOL CD-ROM. You shatter it with a hammer and move on. Door 4: A defective hard drive. You play golf for a little while and then use an N2 mine on it. Door 3: A laptop computer. You flip up the lid and pass through the screen. Door 2: The Crest of Hope. It explodes out of the wall and flies around. Needless to say, the wall is obliterated. Jack makes some snide comment about the causality loop, and you move on. Door 1: Windows Media Player. You downgrade to the previous version, cause version 8.5 sucks. (SoS Theater. Seating order from left to right: Hotaru, Jack, Rini.) HOTARU: Hey, where'd Setsuna and Amy go? RINI: They stayed back to deal with the Bundys. JACK: Geez, damn that Magic Voice and his plot contrivances. MAGIC VOICE: (Mimi Bobek) Bite me, pig. >CHRONO TRIGGER: JACK: The hands of fate. >FAMILY REUNIONS HOTARU: So help me God, if anyone makes an outhouse joke here... JACK: What? >By J. Daniel Gibson (AKA Blaine) RINI: Um... have you guys riffed this guy before? HOTARU: Oh, yeah... you missed out on "Fit to Be Tied". Trust me, you don't wanna mess with this guy. For him, the walls of logic and sanity mean nothing. RINI: I'll take your word for it. >Chapter 2: Ancestors JACK: Are usually dead. HOTARU: *Sniff* Daddy... >11,999 BC HOTARU: (Deep voice) The year of the Michael Jackson epidemic. >Jade looked into the fire. RINI: Nope, no marshmallows here! >Back on Zeal there was no need for it HOTARU: Eeep! "No Need For Tenchi" reference! JACK: Hee hee hee... HOTARU: Shut up! *THWAP* >except for magical purposes, for it was always warm high above the clouds, >surrounded by magic. JACK: And large vats of whipped cream. >She pulled out her photo album, RINI: What, is Harry Potter now making a guest appearance? >one of the few things she salvaged from the now gone land JACK: Before time. HOTARU: Damn Littlefoot... *Shudder* >of Zeal. Often when she was lonely, she would leaf RINI: Hey, fic... make like a tree and LEAF. Get it? Get it!?! *Everyone else groans* >through it and remember. >There were pictures of her dead mother. JACK: (Jade) And here's one of Mother in her casket... and then one from the 24-hour webcam of "Womaninacoffin.com"... >And there was a picture taken at a picnic of Melichior the Guru of Life, >Belthesar the HOTARU: Demon who was trying to kill the Charmed ones. >Guru of Reason, JACK: Ironic... he went insane. RINI: *WHACK* No spoilers! >Gaspar the Guru of Time, and her father, Morda the Guru of the Dark. HOTARU: That would explain the eternal darkness around the picnickers, then. >Despite his field being the study of Darkness and its magic properties, >Morda was a good man. JACK: Can anyone say "foreshadowing"? >There was also a picture of her, her best friend Schala, and Schala's >little brother, Janus. He was eight and she was eight-teen. Though, >sadly, both of them were probably dead now. Janus would be turning nine >this month. ALL: (Singing) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you... happy birthday, stinking rotten corpse, happy birthday to you! >She remembered when Queen Zeal had revealed her plans to build the RINI: World's biggest cheeseball. *Drools* Mmm... cheese... >Ocean Palace, so they could be closer to Lavos and take better advantage of >his power. Morda advised against it and refused to go to the Palace. That >was a good idea because Gaspar, Belthesar, and Melichior went and JACK: Got food poisoning from the undercooked chicken there. >never returned. There were rumors that the Queen had them JACK AND RINI: WHOA! JACK: I've seen the Gurus in the game, and there's NO WAY IN HELL that they'd ever score, even with Zeal! RINI: *Rolls around on the floor laughing* HOTARU: *Sigh* I don't know why I bother. *ZZZZZZAAAP* >imprisoned and killed for treason. >Finally, Morda's worst fear was realized. HOTARU: VH1 played an all-Cyndi Lauper marathon for three days! >Lavos came from the ocean and delivered Zeal out of the heavens. JACK: And he did it in twenty minutes, too. RINI: Lavos Kingdoms! We deliver in thirty minutes or it's free! >Morda and Jade escaped with Dalton on the Blackbird. He dropped them >off on an island because he said he had something to do. HOTARU: (Dalton) Gotta start a chain of bookstores, you know the drill. >A few days later, they saw the Blackbird crash. JACK: Into a plate-glass window. >A portal opened and Dalton crawled out, badly beaten. He said he had >attempted to establish himself as king but Chrono's friends fought and >defeated him on Belthesar's time machine. He soon healed and they fixed up >some ruins of a Zealian house that had somehow survived the fall from the >sky. HOTARU: We know how it survived... ALL: PLOT CONTRIVANCE! *As a result of them all shouting "Plot contrivance", a wombat springs out of the wall and mauls Jack. Other odd effects happen outside of the theater, too...* >Jade had found the cave she was in now and filled it with her >memories; RINI: Unfortunately, the memories took up most of the space, so there wasn't room to park her '67 Yugo. >made it a peaceful place to come and meditate. HOTARU: It's Incomplete Clause Trigger! JACK: *Spits wombat fur out of his mouth* Someone help me here... RINI: No... let's just see what develops. JACK: *Screams as the wombat goes after his "special" area* HOTARU: Oh, fine, you big baby... SATURN PLANET POWER! *Henshins and summons the Silence Glaive* SILENCE GLAIVE SURPRISE! *The blast not only incinerates the wombat, it rips apart Jack's pants* Whoops. JACK: (Dryly) Thanks a lot. You'll excuse me? TUXEDO JEWEL POWER! *Henshins to Tuxedo Jack* Perfect. Now I'm stuck wearing this until the fic's over. HOTARU: (Sexily) I don't mind... *Runs a finger down his chest as she moves into his lap* RINI: Get a room! >Suddenly, there was a strange sound behind her. RINI: Yeah, it's the sound of Hotaru-chan and Jack making out over there. GET A ROOM, DAMMIT! *Moves a seat away from them* JACK: (Muffled) Bite me. >She turned around in time to see a little, redheaded girl RINI: Wha... it's a Charlie Brown crossover now? >gingerly step out of a blue and black portal. She had a key and a little >medallion on a chain around her neck. HOTARU: *Breaks kiss* Ack! Card Captor Sakura crossover! JACK: Worse... it's _her_! >The medallion had the name 'Reene' on it. RINI: HEY!!! HOTARU AND JACK: *Snicker* RINI: Why you little... *fumes in silence* >"Where am I?" Reene asked. JACK: (Jade) Welcome to hell. Here's your accordion. >* * * RINI: Whoa, it's Seiya, Yaten, and Taiki! JACK: Now that's truly scary. HOTARU: Hey, how'd you know about them? You were in Crystal Tokyo when they were helping us. RINI: I read the scripts. MAGIC VOICE: And now the obligatory screaming. (Jerry Lewis, yelling) FOURTH WALL BREEEEACH! FOURTH WALL BREEEEACH! Meinlaven! FOURTH WALL BREEEEEACH!!! HOTARU: SHUT UP! >"It's finished." Schala said. HOTARU: (Schala as Gendo) The Third Impact approaches. >Magus smiled and nodded. He walked over and felt the little boat >Schala had just finished sanding. "If I hadn't lost my pendant, I could >just teleport us off this island." Schala said. JACK: (Blaine) Yeah, and then the fic would be over! But we can't have _that_, can we? >"If wishes were horses, beggars would ride." Magus said. "Destiny >should not be questioned, nor can it be changed." JACK: I believe that that's *Deep dramatic pause* WRONG! HOTARU: What about when Marle blipped out of existence, and when she was restored?!? JACK: Damn inconsistencies... *Grumble* HOTARU: Ooh... do that again. >"Well," Schala said, "you changed Chrono's destiny when you used >the Chrono Trigger." >"How do you know Destiny didn't chose for him to be brought back to >life?" he asked, smiling. He had her there. RINI: AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! "The Black Wind Begins To Howl" flashback!!!! (Normal) That, and "Chibi-Usa's Seventh Birthday", but... >He had changed since he found Schala. HOTARU: One would hope he would! His clothes would have been filthy. >He changed from a suicidal depressive to a peaceful philosopher. JACK: And that's different _how_? >Schala also found it strange about their age difference. She was born ten >years before him, but because of his growing up in another time and coming >back to this one, he was thirty-seven while she was still eight-teen. It >gave her an eerie feeling. RINI: (Dubbed Sailor Mars) I'm picking up some bad vibes! >They gathered their meager possessions and packed them on the boat. >They didn't need any food because it was an estimated two-hour row. RINI: Yeah, and that pig Magus wouldn't help out any. >* * * JACK: Scene change... I'm going to change clothes. HOTARU: I need a snack. RINI: I have to PEE! *Exit all* (Reverse door sequence) (Scene: SoS bridge. Peg and Kelly have been busy, and courtesy of the holoemitters, the entire room looks like the Bundy living room. Al and a holo-Jefferson are sitting on the couch, leafing through a stack of Playboys. Bud is looking through Kelly's stack of Playgirls - don't ask; I still don't know myself. Setsuna and Amy are busy reprogramming the systems.) SETSUNA: For the love of God... AMY: They locked out the buffers! How the hell could they pull that off?!? BUD: (High voice, like a woman) Honey, they got smart. Something Daddy never did. Where's that luscious hunk of a stud who was here earlier? AMY: You mean Jack? BUD: *Lustful sigh* AMY: *Facefault* He's... busy right now, so I'm afraid that - SETSUNA: (Cuts in) He'll be back in a minute. Why don't you get dressed for him? *Evil grin* BUD: Great idea, honeybunch. Bye, now! *Waves hand and glides out of the bridge* AMY: That's evil, Setsuna. SETSUNA: *Smile* Don't I know it. At any rate, we've got to undo this, or we're stuck with them for a while... *The riffers, sans Rini, enter* Hey. AMY: How's the fic? JACK: Terrible. It's another Blainefic, so... SETSUNA: Oh my God... you're joking. HOTARU: Does it look like I'm joking? JACK: How've the Bundy's been doing? SETSUNA: Look around. You see anything good? JACK: No... how'd they figure out how to work the holoemitters? AMY: It's the damndest thing! One minute, the women were sitting on the barstools, drinking margaritas, and then a flash of light surrounds them and they start programming this hellhole in! JACK: Oh, God... HOTARU: You're not thinking that it was our fault, do you? SETSUNA: *Sigh* What'd you two do this time? JACK: Well, we kinda summoned a plot contrivance... a wombat attacked me, and I had to henshin. SETSUNA: (Deadpan) A wombat. AMY: That explains the pants. HOTARU: A wombat. Anyway, it's all because we summoned a plot contrivance? Great. AMY: Maybe we can undo the weirdness if all five of us try to summon another one. Think it's worth a try? HOTARU: Can't hurt. JACK: Lemme go change, and then I'll be right back. *Bud enters. He's dressed in tight black leather* What the hell... BUD: Yoo-hoo, honey! *Waves at Jack* I got the Hoods! *Waves a small box* Oh, wow, look at those legs... *Moans* JACK: *Blinks twice* I'm out of here - I've gotta change. Deal with him, will you? *Exits as Rini enters* BUD: Aw, pooh. *Pouts* RINI: What the... SETSUNA: Don't even ask. HOTARU: It's our fault, Rini. Remember when we all yelled about the plot contrivances? Apparently, we gave Peg and Kelly superintelligence, and the boy into a homosexual. RINI: ... Not even gonna ask. SETSUNA: If I had my powers over time, I could fix this, but... Looks like we'll have to settle for the next best thing. *Ten seconds of silence pass, and Jack reenters, now in white slacks and a black T-shirt* JACK: Shall we begin? HOTARU: Let's. SETSUNA: So how do we do this? AMY: Just what the heck did you all yell? JACK: Plot contrivance. SETSUNA: What? JACK: _Plot contrivance._ SETSUNA AND AMY: _What?_ ALL SANS BUNDYS: _PLOT CONTRIVANCE!!!_ *Immediately, the ship is reverted to normal. The Bundys vanish, the bridge is turned back to its techno form, and the wombat that attacked Jack reappears and hands him a note of apology. A portal also opens... and guess who falls out of it?* RANMA: What... the... hell... KODACHI: Oh, s(BLEEP)it. HOTARU: What're you two doing back here? SETSUNA: (Dryly) Hotaru-chan, you guess. HOTARU: Oh. *Sweatdrop* The plot contrivance must have brought you two back... So how was it off of the Satellite? RANMA: Pretty weird. I never expected Gosunkugi and Ukyo to get together, and Happosai and Cologne... *Shudder* KODACHI: Don't worry, Ranma-sama. I'll work the weirdness out later... *Evil grin* Oh, hohohohohohohoho! ALL OTHERS SANS RANMA: *Shudder at the laugh* HOTARU: Erm... it seems that the red light is flashing... should we answer it, or let it ring? JACK: Oh, why not. *Slaps the button* (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: Would someone get this damned wombat off of me?!? *Looks at the Hexscreen* What are you doing out of the theater? Get back in there! *Slaps a button, and the wombat mauls his extended hand* YEEEEEEOOOOOOW!!!!! (SoS) RANMA: Not even gonna ask... SENSHI: *Klaxons blare, lights flash, and a wombat runs across the bridge* WE'VE GOT BLAINEFIC SIIIIIGN! (Door sequence 18.2) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: An AOL server. You attach an N2 mine to it and let it blow up. Door 4: A new hard drive. You install it over the old one and move on. Door 3: The laptop computer now has a Blue Screen of Death on it. You hit Ctrl+Alt+Delete and jump through the RAMcheck. Door 2: The shattered wall. There's no Crest of Hope this time, though. Door 1: Windows 98. You upgrade to the Second Edition and enter the theater. (SoS Theater. Seating order: Hotaru, Jack, Kodachi, Ranma.) RANMA: Ah, it's good to be back. JACK: What, you actually missed this place? RANMA: Yeah! That, and my chair has a buttgroove made exactly for me. JACK: -_-' >After rowing for four hours, HOTARU: Hmm... methinks that the Time Gates have hit them now. >Schala and Magus finally reached RANMA: A rest stop. KODACHI: (Schala) Oh, thank God! I have to pee so bad... HOTARU: Tag-team riff number 3 this fic. >North Cape. JACK: North Cape _Fear_, that is. >Magus had a modest little hut there that he had built before starting >his search for JACK AND RANMA: Spock. HOTARU AND KODACHI: Oh, God... >Schala. >Schala helped Magus to the door. She looked around the small, >one-roomed house. It was typical of her brother; she smiled at the sense >of familiarity. KODACHI: And then the stench of garbage hit her, and she keeled over. >There were books, maps, and charts strewn about all over. KODACHI: Not to mention trash. >The only furniture he had was a shelf, stuffed haphazardly with books and >papers, a table covered with maps and a few dirty dishes, and in the center >of it all was a large, overstuffed, black chair that was obviously salvaged >from Zeal. HOTARU: Sounds like Jack's quarters before we got married. JACK: Hey! >There was no bed, for what little sleeping he did was in his >chair. HOTARU: Okay, now that's a bit off, cause Jack had a nice king-size bed. RANMA: But not a king-size *DING*! JACK: Very funny, Ranma - but unfortunately, looks aren't everything. RANMA: Bite me. >On the wall was a coat hanger with a spare black cloak and assorted >scythes of all shapes and sizes hanging from it. KODACHI: Hey, it's my room at home! >Magus quickly stumbled to his chair and plopped down in it. Schala >almost laughed, for she had never seen such a deliriously blissful smile on >him before. RANMA: He's trippin', man! >"There should be a pile of books near the door." he said, "There's >something you might enjoy there." ALL: ... KODACHI: Anyone wanna take a guess as to what it is? HOTARU: *Hands glow* You really wanna try? >She started going through them. They were all Zealian. He had >apparently salvaged them. Then she found what he was talking about. It >was her diary. She smiled, but then looked at him with suspicion. HOTARU: (Schala) You didn't look at the part involving Melchior, Gaspar, the field of flowers, the wine, and the double-ended dildo, did you? JACK: (Magus) Whoa! Too much information! (Normal) And I mean that. >He didn't have to see to know what she was thinking. "I didn't >read it." he said, though he did have a bemused smirk on his face. >"Hey, what's this?" Schala said. RANMA: (Magus) It's a device I got from that nice Washu lady. Don't mess with it - it kinda tends to explode. >The picked up one of the books. >It had a golden eye engraved on the leather jacket. The title page said, >Magic of the Eye. ALL: *Groan at the bad joke* >The first page had an incoherent picture on it. She stared at it but >when she got a headache and her eyes unfocused, she JACK: Took two aspirin and went to sleep. >saw a map of Zeal pop out at her. KODACHI: (Schala) AAAAAAAHHH!!! The map's attacking me!!! >Amazing. The rest of the book was various spells about eyes and sight, >from how to change the color of your eyes, to x-ray vision, RANMA: I've gotta get that ability. KODACHI: I wouldn't mind... *THWAP THWAP* HOTARU: _NO._ >to how to cure blindness...wait a minute. "I've found it, >Janus!" Schala said. She still called Magus Janus. >"Found what?" He asked. HOTARU: (Schala) The New World! It's mine! >"A cure for blindness." she said. He smiled. She started reading >the instructions. "Oh no." >"What?" KODACHI: (Schala) We're out of nutmeg, and the recipe calls specifically for it! >"It says I need a 'magic amplifier'. I need my pendant." The >smile left his face and he sat back in his chair. JACK: (Exact Gendo) Those insignificant peons. They will serve my purposes... Yui will return... RANMA: Ah, how I've missed this place. HOTARU: Shyeah, right. >1010 AD KODACHI: DA 0101. HOTARU: .ihcadoK, pu tuhS JACK: I'm getting dizzy. >"The soldiers have been out for twenty hours." RANMA: (Sergeant) I'll get the beer and babes! JACK: (Corporal) Time for the weekly staff meeting! >said the Knight Captain. >"Call them back." Chrono told him. HOTARU: (Chrono) Use Star 69 if you have to. KODACHI: Hmm... HOTARU: _NO._ >"We'll start again in the morning." The Captain bowed and left. KODACHI AND HOTARU: (Knight Captain as poorly dubbed samurai) Hai, Chrono-sama. >Chrono turned to the grim faces at the table. KODACHI: Methinks that if they're so grim-y, they need a good scrubbing. Perhaps some Lime-A-Way would do the trick... >Ayla was sitting with her arm around Marl's shoulders, comforting her. RANMA: ... Do I even need to say anything? JACK: No, but why not? *ZZZZZAAAAAAP* HOTARU: That's why not. >Kino, usually absent-minded, was unsettlingly sober. Tata and Junior sat >quietly, thinking it partially their fault, because they made the JACK: Bad box of ramen that started the whole damned mess. >boar-dogs rampage. >Luka, RANMA: Great... another Lucca typo. JACK: The omniscient Blaine doth not use SpellCheck or thine editors. >Melichior, and Doan stood around a chart, going over a strategy of >search in the Epoch. Robo and Atropos sat in a corner and recharged. >One thing that made everyone feel easier was that Doan was still >here. Since he was Reene's descendant, if she died, he would disappear. HOTARU: Much like Marle in 600 A.D. KODACHI: I still remember when Tatewaki was playing that game... He was acting like that frog for weeks. RANMA: I don't think that he ever stopped. >"We'd better get some sleep." Frog finally said. "Tata and I will >depart and stay at the inn." RANMA: (Frog) Unfortunately, there's only one room, and one bed. JACK: Don't... even... start. *CLANG* >"Nonsense." Marl said, "You will all stay here in the castle." >"I doubt many of us will get much sleep." Chrono said. JACK: Yeah, Chrono and Marle are gonna be "busy", Ayla and Kino'll wreck half the upper floors, and Robo and Atropos will be surfing the net for computer porn. HOTARU: O_o KODACHI: So I guess Compusa.com and fryselectronics.com are hardcore sites, then? RANMA: Maybe the sections about modems and chip installation... >11,999 BC HOTARU: (Whiny) I'm still waiting for the pizza I ordered then! >Morda sat at the crystal in his chamber. JACK: (Usagi) Waaaaaaah! You stole my crystal! I'm telling Mamo-chan! HOTARU: (Mamoru) Screw it, I'm going home. (Normal) God, that is so accurate it's scary. >Dalton stood behind him. Jade was looking in a picture book with Reene. >Reene was dressed in a little. blue robe, for warmth. It was a robe that >somehow found its way into Jade's laundry on Zeal. RANMA: Damned airlines... always losing luggage. >The tag on the inside had the name 'Janus' on it. >"The child is definitely someone of importance." Morda said as he >stared into the crystal. KODACHI: (Morda) Hmm... Cartoon Network's showing Outlaw Star... damn them, taking off Gundam Wing for that... >"I wonder where she's from." Jade mused. >"I'm from Gaurdia." Reene piped up. She had told them many times >but they didn't seem to know what she was talking about. HOTARU: (Dalton) I'm telling you, there's no "Gaurdia" in the atlas! Think again, kid! >"How old are you?" Dalton asked. He liked kids. >"I'm eight." >"Oh, so you were born in 12,007 BC?" (The people of Zeal had >visions of a cataclysm in the future. It was an earthquake that split the >continent. The people of Zeal started the years counting down to the year 0. >BC stood for Before Cataclysm and AD was After Destruction.) ALL: ... JACK: Second Impact would mean nothing to these people. >Reene giggled, "No, 1002 AD." >Morda saw something in his crystal. RANMA: (Morda) Ha! I've got the all-Michael Jackson channel! ALL OTHERS: *Run around the theater screaming* RANMA: *Shakes head* They've got to learn to take these riffs... >"How could you be born in the future, silly?" Jade smiled. >"A time portal." Morda replied. KODACHI: That, or Washu's been messing with her Improbability Field Generator again. >* * * JACK: Ooh! Shuriken! *Reaches out and rips the three stars from the fic* KODACHI: Lemme get the next set! HOTARU: ... Don't know, don't wanna know, don't anybody tell me. >Walking south from North Cape, it took Magus and Schala thirty >minutes to reach the Last Village. The village had grown in the last few >months. Instead of just three straw huts, there were seven log cabins, >sitting amongst the snow. There were a few Nu ALL: (Knights of Ni) We shall say "Nu" at you! >living with the humans, but no doubt, the hundreds of others still lived >in the great, underground Kingdom of Nu. As they walked to the commons. >Magus' sensitive ears heard a commotion. HOTARU: The Nissan commercials are there, then. JACK: Either that, or a regular night on the Satellite. >He heard Nu children teasing someone. >"You ought to move away, Spekkio. You're a freak." one said. JACK AND RANMA: (Singing) Superfreak, superfreak... the kind you don't take home to momma... >"I am not." said Spekkio. "Guru Gaspar was my friend, he said I >was special." KODACHI: (Nu) Special ed! MAGIC VOICE: No bashing mentally deficient people, dammit! KODACHI: I meant that he was G/T, you S.O.B.! MAGIC VOICE: Hey, don't knock me. I'm FDIC insured, USDA selected, and a CIA/NSA SO plant in the UK's MI5. JACK: Too... too many... acronyms... yaaaaargh! *Head explodes, flinging chibi-Ranma-onnas everywhere. It soon reassembles.* HOTARU: Haven't done that in a while, have you? JACK: No, with good reason. It HURTS! >"Well he's not here is he, you red freak. JACK: I didn't know Spekkio was a Communist. >All Nu are blue. And normal Nu don't have strong magic like shape-shifting." >the bully laughed. "You're not a real Nu are you?" The bullies started to >throw snowballs at him. "Stop it!" he yelled. HOTARU: Setsuna would love this. >"You better not do that." Magus said. The Nu looked at him. RANMA: (British) What are you going to do, bleed on me? >He grinned at them with his fangs. They ran off.. KODACHI: Leaving Blaine with the options of stopping this fic or continuing it. ALL: STOP THE FIC! STOP THE FIC! >"Thank you, kind sir." Spekkio said. JACK: (Magus) You now owe me $250 for my troubles. >"That's all right." Magus said, "Maybe you could help me out >sometime. Just remember me, in the future." Spekkio bowed and ran off. >"I never thought you liked Nu." Schala said with a smile. RANMA: (Magus) Nu... no. Nudes... yes. *WA-TAK* >"Spekkio is special. At least, he will be." Magus replied. >They headed on into the commons, where a mason was laying a stone >walkway. Schala looked around and saw the Village Elder. "Blake!" Schala >yelled in joy. HOTARU: ... How'd Nurse Joy get here? Did it just become a cheap Pokemon crossover to boot? >"Miss Schala!" the elder said. He hugged her. "We thought you >dead." KODACHI: (Schala) I was. Did the rotting flesh give it away? >"I might have been if it wasn't for Janus." She gestured to Magus, >who had sat down under a tree with a little, blue cat. Even though Magus >was thirty years older, Alfedor still recognized him. JACK: (Alfedor as computer) Alfedor OS recognizes Plug-and-Play device "Magus" on USB Port 1. Assigning IRQ channels... >"Sir Janus?" Blake said, "Is it really you?" RANMA: No, I'm (Kuno) the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High! KODACHI: (Urd) Horny as hell and needin' a man. JACK: Um... you _do_ know that Urd's a goddess, right? And pissing her off can't do any good? KODACHI: Oh, don't worry. She's got Tatewaki to please her. (Up near Yggdrasil...) URD: (Dazed) Oh, whoa, Kuno-chan, what a rush... KUNO: (Cocky, to self) The great Blue Thunder *Thunder strikes behind him* has done it again. Only a personage as powerful as myself could please such a goddess. I must repeat mine performance posthaste. (To Urd) Mine goddess, doth thou desire another orgasm? (For the love of Kami-sama, back to the theater! NOW!!!) >Magus stood up and stared off into space. HOTARU: Magus Zeal, SETI's newest employee. >His blank, gray eyes rolling around searchingly and his >pointed ears twitched to catch any stray sound. RANMA: And then they'll go to the sound pound. *All others groan* What? WHAT? >"Mr. Blake?" HOTARU: (Magus) Do you have any Grey Poupon? KODACHI: (Blake) No, it's usually brown. RANMA AND JACK: O~O >"By the gods," Blake said, "you're blind." KODACHI: (Magus) Blake, master of the obvious. >Magus told him the story of how when he was taken into the time >gate, he was sent to 570 AD, and how Ozzie had found him and raised him. >Ozzie had just wanted world domination but Magus knew that was foolish. JACK: No, Magus just wanted a nice, hot pizza with mushrooms and onions. >Magus just used Ozzie to gain the support of the Mystics. He only wanted JACK: Again, a pizza. >to train and gain strength to summon and kill Lavos, and avenge his mother, >and most of all, Schala. He then explained his adventures with Chrono's >friends and being blinded by the light in the sky. RANMA: Looks like he was a victim of the Nerima flasher. Get it? Get it!? *Everyone else groans* Oh, for God's sake... >"If only there was something we could do." Blake said. JACK: (Magus) There is. HOTARU: (Blake) For the love of God, man, what is it?!? JACK: (Magus) Get me a pizza and some new underpants. My whitie-tighties are too tight. RANMA: Jack, I never knew... JACK: NANI?!? I wear boxers! RANMA: Nothing to compress, anyway. HOTARU: Still, that's more than you've got. RANMA: *Stews in frustration* >"We have a spell," Schala said, "but it needs a magic amplifier, >like my pendant. But unfortunately, it was lost in the Ocean Palace >disaster." >"Your pendant could be anywhere." Magus said. KODACHI: I feel the presence of... a plot device! >Elsewhere, on a beach about a kilometer from the village, a boy >picked up the pendant he had found. He could tell that there was something >special about it. RANMA: When it's got the words "special item" marked on it, you kinda get that feeling... >He put it in his pocket, took it home, and hid it. HOTARU: In the only place that the family never dared search. KODACHI: Hotaru, I didn't think... HOTARU: What? He hid it in the tool shed. Where'd you think it was? KODACHI: ... Never mind. >When he grew up, he gave it to his first born daughter, who in turn >passed it down the family line. Eventually, one of his descendants became a >king, and he too passed it down. RANMA: Anyone hungry? JACK: Yeah, I could do with a pizza. KODACHI: A small salad would be nice. HOTARU: Shall I? *Teleports out. She returns a few moments later with the food.* RANMA: Hey, how'd you teleport? HOTARU: Oh, that? Plot device. Ignore it. RANMA: Man, I gotta get me some of those. >1010 AD RANMA: DA... JACK: That riff's old. We've done that line twice already. Let it die in peace. >Queen Marl sat in bed and fingered JACK AND HOTARU: Oh, God... HOTARU: Not again... JACK: Omae o korosu, Blaine... >the pendant she had around her neck. HOTARU: *Sighs with relief* JACK: *Sings the Hallelujah chorus* >Chrono finished the last of his hundred Hindu squats and climbed >into bed. He looked at his wife, her face streaked with dry tears. >He leaned over and kissed her. "It's gonna be okay." he said. RANMA: (Chrono) I'll find my Viagra someday. >She put her arms around him. KODACHI: And choked the life out of him. >Just then, Luka bust in. HOTARU: *Squints* Looks like a C cup. KODACHI: Feh. These *Flashes Ranma and Jack* are Cs. JACK: GAH! *Nosebleed* RANMA: *Drools* >She saw them and stopped short. Marl was in her little nightie JACK: (Through nosebleed) I think that's the nightie from "Hotaru's Pain". HOTARU: I thought we were never going to mention that lemon! >and Chrono was still sweaty from his exercises. KODACHI: Lemon innuendos... HOTARU: Don't even start, Kodachi. There's enough innuendo here to make Amsterdam look like a city of Puritans. >Luka smirked. "Did I interrupt something?" she asked innocently. RANMA: (Chrono) *Sniff* No; I can't find my Viagra! *Fakes sobbing* JACK: Why am I not surprised? RANMA: HEY! >Chrono threw his pillow at her. She ducked, it flew out the door and beamed >a passing soldier in the head. HOTARU: And the soldier was promptly transported to the Enterprise E. >"What do you want?" Chrono asked. He jumped out of bed before >realizing all he had on was a pair of briefs. HOTARU: *Drools* KODACHI: *Waves a dollar bill* Work it, baby! JACK: *Sigh* Why do I even try? RANMA: To make it worse, you two are married. JACK: Don't remind me. >Luka howled with laughter. "Tonight's just full of 'little' >surprises!" RANMA AND JACK: *Burst out laughing* JACK: *Is laughing too hard to speak* RANMA: It's - hee hee hee - smaller than yours - hahahahaha - Jack! BWEHEHEHEHEHEHE! JACK: *Is laughing too hard to care* >Chrono quickly pulled the sheet around himself. His face red, he >turned to Marl, who was giggling. "It's not that funny." he said. JACK AND RANMA: It's a _little_ funny! *Continue laughing* >Marl looked up. "It's a 'little' funny." Marl and Luka bust out >laughing again. HOTARU: What Chrono doesn't know is that Princess Marl used to be _Prince Carl_. KODACHI: ... That's just sick. >"Think yer so damn funny, ought to make you the damn royal fool." >Chrono grumbled under his breath. Chrono went into the closet and put a >robe on. "What do you want," he asked when he came out of the closet, "now >that we're off that little matter." ALL: *Laugh even harder* >Dammit, he thought, Shouldn't have said 'little'. >Luka choked back a laugh. "Well, Melichior and I think we might >know where Reene is." >"Where?!" RANMA: Does anyone here care? ALL OTHERS: _NO_. >The smile left Luka's face. "About one-hundred meters from where >Reene was last seen, we picked up traces of a time gate." HOTARU: And they also found a note saying that Reene had been taken through a time gate, and the accompanying videotape of her going through... >11,999 AD >Morda stood up from his crystal. He looked a bit dazed. >"What's the matter, Father?" Jade asked. JACK: (Morda) We've been warped ahead in time 24,000 years... we're now in a post-Lavos time. But on the plus side, we've got a Papa John's just down the street! >"I found out who Reene is." he said. >"Who?" Dalton asked. RANMA: (Morda) Jeane Kirkpatrick's love child with Patrick Stewart. >"She is mine and Jade's direct descendant." HOTARU: Close enough. >Dalton gasped. >"That means," Morda continued, "that Jade is to have a child at >some time." HOTARU: I want a baby. They're so kawaii... JACK: *Evil Grin* Maybe you should name it Charlotte. RANMA: GYAH! Azusa! >Jade and Dalton traded glances. Jade put her hands on her stomach. >This did not escape Morda's notice. "Jade?" Morda said. Dalton was a >little worried. The jig is up. he thought. KODACHI: Get the shotgun, Morda, it's time for a wedding! RANMA: Hmm... reminds me of a little fic I know called "Kodachi Solves A Mystery". KODACHI: I'm not that stupid, Ranma. Don't mention that one around me. >"Father," Jade said, "I'm with child." Morda almost had a stroke. >"What?" ALL: SHE'S PREGNANT. KEEP GOING... >"I'm the father." Dalton said. He put an arm around Jade's shoulder. >"Has my world turned upside-down!" Morda exclaimed. HOTARU: Either that, or you're upside down. >He closed his eyes and the huge vein in his forehead went away. JACK: For it was hungry and had to use the can. >"This should be a happy occasion." he said. He smiled and hugged Jade. >He then turned to Dalton, who looked ready to run if he had to. "Welcome >to the family..., Son." Dalton smiled sheepishly. KODACHI: Especially when he saw the shotgun pointed at his *DING*. JACK AND RANMA: O_o''' *Edge away from Kodachi* KODACHI: What? ^_^ >"There's my daddy." RANMA: Who's your daddy? JACK: (Kasumi) I've narrowed it down to a list of about thirty possibles... *Ranma spews his soda out onto the theater floor* I've been reading "Kasumi's Surprise" again. RANMA: _Don't_ ever do that again. *Cracks knuckles* JACK: And you're cleaning that up. >Reene, who had been sleeping on a sofa, had woken up and was pointing at >the crystal. Chrono's face was there. JACK: Yeah, and Hannibal Lector had ripped it off and was wearing it. >"Yahhh!" Dalton screamed, "It's him!" KODACHI: (Tatewaki) It is that foul sorceror Saotome! I must vanquish him and free my beloved Akane from his evil grasp! But I must not forget my holy osage-no-onna... RANMA: Oh, God... not this again. >"Yes." Morda said, "The man whose friends beat you. KODACHI: And whipped you, and chained you, and anally... MMMPH! *Hotaru covers Kodachi's mouth with her hand* HOTARU: _NO._ Not now, not _ever._ *Removes hand* >But he also released Zeal from the queen and Lavos." JACK: And he paid a fortune in bail to do so. >Morda smiled, "And ironically, it seems that he's also your descendant." >The look of hate left Dalton's face. "You're right. I thought he >was wrong to oppose the queen. But had I not been blinded by HOTARU: Science! JACK AND RANMA: She blinded me with science! >the promise of eternal life, I would have been right there with him." JACK: (Dalton) Falling off the wing of the Blackbird. >"Well," Jade said, "Reene will have to stay with us until we find >out how to get her back to her time." >"Hey look, a horsy." Reene piped up. They turned to see her >looking at the crystal. "I like this. I wanna see a cow." JACK: Go look at my old geography teacher. HOTARU: JACK! JACK: Oh, okay. Sorry, "principessa demonorum." You know who you are. >She touched the crystal and a cow appeared on it. She giggled. RANMA: (Exact Homer Simpson) Mmm... preprocessed steak... *Drools* >Dalton's jaw dropped. "I thought only a strong magic user could >use that thing." HOTARU: (Dalton, whiny) Why can't I use it?!? >"Exactly. She is, after all, of Zealian decent," he said, smiling >with pride. "And related to me." KODACHI: (Morda) Not to mention the fact that there is a plot contrivance involving magic and its powers being upped past the limits of human comprehension. But I'm being rude! Would anyone like some beer? > > > JACK: Looks like Part 2's over. Shall we take a break and come back for 3? RANMA: Why not? *Exit all* (Reverse door sequence) (Scene: SoS Holodeck. The Castle Scenario is still running, and now Rini's up on the balcony.) RINI: Where, oh, where is my knight in shining armor? MAN: I am here, milady! *The guy rides in on a black horse, holding a shield and the reins.* I will be thy knight. RINI: (To self) Whoa... Hotaru must really have written this thing screwy. (Out loud) Very well, sir knight. Unhorse that redheaded knight - Sir Crono - and you'll be mine. (To self) And I'll get some! MAN: Very well, milady. As surely as my name is Sephiroth, I shall defeat that foul knight! *Removes helmet, and his white hair spills down over his back.* RINI: GYAH! Computer, end program! *The computer obliges, and Rini leans against a wall* That was weird. Computer, run program Tsukino seven. *A pillar forms behind Rini, and restraints appear on her. In short, she's tied to the pillar, and a man in black approaches her. The man, by the way, is a hologram of Lionheart from Final Fantasy II.* LIONHEART: Finally, I have you, and you, my dear, will lead that cursed mage to me... *Turns away as an explosion fills the hallway and rips away the door to the chamber* Ah, I see the plot device has arrived. *A masked mage enters the room* MAGE: You! You've captured Rini and used her as bait! Damn you to hell! *Fires a Fire2 spell at Lionheart, who dodges and retaliates with sword attacks* LIONHEART: You'll never stop me, and for you attacking me, she dies! *Points a finger towards Rini, and she screams as an Ultima magic flies towards her* MAGE: NO! *Leaps in the path of the Ultima. In exchange for the hit, he fires a DarkMatter attack at Lionheart, who screams as it hits and melts his flesh. The mage collapses, his long hair swirling around his black cape.* RINI: *Now free from her restraints due to the backlash of the DarkMatter* No... MAGE: Rini... don't worry... *Cough* I did what I had... to to ensure... *Cough* your survival... RINI: I still don't know who you are... MAGE: *Soft smile* Then remove my mask... *Rini does so, and the face of Sephiroth appears in front of her* RINI: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! COMPUTER, END THE FREAKIN' PROGRAM!!! *The world disappears, and Rini stands alone in the Holodeck* Open a channel to all rooms on the ship. *Deep breath* OKAY, WHO'S BEEN F(BLEEP)CKING WITH MY HOLODECK PROGRAMS?!?!? (Bridge) SETSUNA: Hmm... was that Small Lady? HOTARU: (Stunned) I think so... SETSUNA: Remind me to have a talk with her later. JACK: _Anyway..._ can we get back to business? AMY: Of course. Now that Ranma and Kodachi are back, I don't know if we can beat the Black Moon on our own. We may need help from the other Senshi. JACK: Hey, we beat Beryl. We can do this too! SETSUNA: ... Jack? We _died._ JACK: (Subdued) Oh, yeah. I forgot that. AMY: At any rate, we've got to do this right, or we're seriously screwed. HOTARU: Hey, no problem! I can just use Death Ribbon Revolution, and we'll get out of there easy! AMY: Hotaru, you're forgetting. It'll kill _US_ too! JACK: Death _Ribbon_ Revolution? HOTARU: You don't expect me to trigger it here, do you? JACK: I guess not, but... HOTARU: Of course. *Red light flashes* Hey, it looks like the not-quite-Shitennou are calling. *Hits the button as Rini enters* (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: That damned wombat you sent over here killed Sapphire! EMERALD: Should I just get his body to the trash can, or launch it into space? WISEMAN: Take your pick. I don't care. EMERALD: Space it is, then! DIAMOND: *Sigh* And I suppose that I've got to clean up the mess. WISEMAN: Of course, but push the button first, okay? DIAMOND: *Rolls eyes* (Under breath) Bite me. (Normal) Fine. *Slaps button* (SoS) SENSHI: We've got CHRONO SIIIIGN! *Lights flash, klaxons blare* JACK: Why us? Why _us_? (Door sequence 18.3) Door 6: Standard-issue dogbone door. Door 5: Tropical Storm Allison. It dumps eight inches of water and then dissipates. Door 4: Six clones of Azusa Shiratori. They all exclaim that Hotaru's "soooooo kawaii!" and drag her back outside. Door 3: A Zealian door. Rini holds up the Ginzuishou, the crest glows, and the door opens. (That explains so little about the game.) Door 2: A carton of eggrolls. You pick them up and move on. Door 1: A CD-ROM drive with seats on the tray. You hop in, and the drive throws you into the theater. (SoS Theater. Seating order from left to right: Amy, Setsuna, Jack, and Rini.) RINI: Great. Just great. Another part of this godforsaken fic. JACK: Ah, quit your bitching and start riffing. Who's got the eggrolls? AMY: MINE! JACK: Trade you some cherry brandy chocolates for them. AMY: ... Why not. *Passes Jack four eggrolls and he passes a box of chocolates* What, you don't like them? JACK: Low alcohol tolerance. I get drunk, I tend to do crazy stuff. SETSUNA: *Evil grin* >CHRONO TRIGGER: FAMILY REUNIONS RINI: (Hick) Hey! The outhouse's done! AMY: (Hick) Yup, we done finished it last y'ar. JACK: Running gag, running gag. >By J. Daniel Gibson (AKA Blaine) SETSUNA: The author of "Fire Pokemon and their Uses". >Chapter 3: Beginning of a Quest SETSUNA: For the bathroom. I've got to go. JACK: Gonna have to hold it in, Setsuna. These are loooong. RINI: And hard, unlike Jack. JACK: Rini, do I make jokes about you and sex? RINI: Yes. JACK: Okay, then... never mind. >1010 AD SETSUNA: The year of the Jujube. >It was 2:00 in the morning and Chrono had called a council of his >friends, the Chancellor, and the Knight Captain. AMY: (Chrono) Just called you from your beds to see which looks better on me - the chiffon or the silk? >Kino was asleep at the table. JACK: With the omnipresent anime/video game snot bubble coming out of his nose. >Ayla hit him with her club to wake him. Junior and Tata sat at the >table, next to Frog. Melichior, Doan, and Luka were hooking Robo to a >monitor. Atropos stood near in case they needed an extra power source. AMY: Yeah, we've got 500-terawatt generators and they don't! So NYAH! >"I think we're ready." Luka said. Chrono nodded to her and she >turned on the monitor. RINI: (Chrono) WHOA! Where'd you get _that_ tape?!? SETSUNA AND JACK: Rini... RINI: I meant Spaceballs. JACK: Shyeah, right. *ZZZAP* >There was a map of Leene Square and the surrounding woods. >"Here is where Reene was last seen. Here is where we found traces >of the Gate." she announced, pointing to each one in turn. "They are at a >distance of about a hundred meters apart; ample time for a child of her age >to travel in the five minutes that the boar-dogs attacked." SETSUNA: (Lucca) Especially since _SOMEONE_ cast Haste on her... RINI: (Marle) Eh, heh heh heh... *Rubs head nervously* >The picture changed to that of a closed Gate. "When the Gate >opens," the picture Gate opened, and some leaves flew into it, "there is >what I call a backflush. RINI: Looks like the cast of Chrono Trigger's been reduced to cleaning out pools. What a shame - it was a good game. JACK: Well, not all of them. I mean, Lucca's up on Chibi-chan's satellite - MAGIC VOICE: What... did you just... say? JACK: NOTHING! NOTHING! MAGIC VOICE: Good. Don't let me hear that again. JACK: *Evil grin* Okay... TUXEDO JEWEL POWER! *Henshins and pulls out sword* TUXEDO FLARE! *The orange orbs envelope Magic Voice's speaker, and needless to say, it's obliterated. Jack detransforms and then relaxes.* SETSUNA: Looks like he'll shut up for a while. >A surge of air, almost like a whirlwind, rushes through the Gate. >Robo and I found a rock there. According to Melichior, >this particular mineral hasn't been found on Earth since the time of Zeal. >Through further analyzing, we've determined that it is from 11,999 BC." AMY: (Lucca) And we didn't use Carbon-14 dating to do it! JACK: (Melchior) We kick ass! *High-fives with Amy* >"Alright," Chrono said, "we'll head out in the Epoch. Who'll go >with me? Frog?" SETSUNA: (Frog) Nay, Chrono. I fear I must hack off mine legs and serve them to Queen Leene tonight. >"Nay, my friend." Frog said. "I would love to go, but this frog >body ages so much more faster than a human's. I'm thirty-six but I'm >plagued with arthritis. I move just as agile as in my youth, but that >doesn't mean every muscle doesn't scream." AMY: Hmm... I wonder if Washu can make muscles scream in pain. JACK: Individually or as one? AMY: Make a guess. >"But I may need a good swordsman." Chrono said. SETSUNA: (Frog) Then perhaps thou should go speak with Butz or Cara. They are over near Tycoon Kingdom. >"I want Tata to go with you." Frog said. Tata looked up with >surprise. "I believe it will be a good learning experience for him." RINI: (Frog) And when he dies, I can collect upon his life insurance. >"That good idea." Kino said. "Junior go, too." >"NOOO!!!" Ayla yelled. She grabbed Junior and her hug nearly >smothered him. "Him just baby. Him my baby." He tried to push away, but >he was being smashed against her bosom. JACK: ... Shadow would love that. RINI: Shadow? JACK: Yeah, he made the Poetry Man and the "PokeTrek" lemon series. RINI: ... Not gonna ask. MAGIC VOICE: Blatant plug number one. >Even his strength that could lift and crush five hundred-pound boulders >couldn't compete with his mother. AMY: Especially since she can pull 9999 damage with one attack. >"Mhmm mm hmm!" he yelled. RINI: I didn't know that Ayla's kid could speak Kennese. JACK: Can anyone translate that? SETSUNA: I've lived throughout countless millenia, and I still can't translate it. AMY: Computer, translate this phrase - "Mhmm mm hmm!" COMPUTER: Roughly translated, it means, "Kiss my ass, you Australopithecus bitch!" JACK: Why am I surprised? >"Him been live eighteen winters." Kino said, "Near time him leave >nest." >"Okay." She let him go, reluctantly. He gasped for breath. "But if he >hurt." Ayla looked at Kino, "You hurt." Kino looked scared. RINI: (Ayla) And not in way you like. SETSUNA: Small Lady! >Junior and Tata high-fived. SETSUNA: (Tata) Dude. JACK: (Junior) Sweet. SETSUNA: (Tata) _Dude._ JACK: (Junior) _Sweet._ SETSUNA: (Tata) DUDE!!! JACK: (Junior) SWEET!!! >"Are you coming, Robo?" Chrono asked. >"Of course." he said, "I feel responsible for not performing my >duty and watching Reene." AMY: (Robo) And besides, I need to get away from Atropos. It seems that my "modem" is malfunctioning, and she's not one bit happy about it. RINI: If I knew more about computers, I'd probably smack you. >"You know I'm coming." Luka said. "But that's five people. The >Epoch only seats three." JACK: (Car Inspector) Okay, this vehicle complies with Rule 613.5 Section A of the RPG Rules - no more than 3 people to a Chrono Trigger vehicle. >"Can you make more room?" Chrono asked. Luka thought for a second, >"It should take me about two weeks, then we can go." >Three days later they were ready to go. Luka grabbed a small >picture of her idol, Scottie, and ran downstairs. RINI: She worships a dog? SETSUNA: I'm not sure that that's the Scottie that Blaine means. JACK: (Scotty) Captain! Ah need more power to the replicator! Replicator, more donuts! >There was a crowd of people to see them off. >Chrono's mom was talking to him by the Epoch. "You be sure to wear >clean underpants." she said. A few villagers had a good chuckle over that >being said to their king. AMY: Looks like Ash Ketchum's mom is guesting as Crono's mother. >"Let's go." he said quickly, before she could embarrass him more. >Luka climbed into the front seat and put her picture of Scottie on >the dash. "To boldly go..." she started chanting as she began running >diagnostic checks. JACK: (_Bad_ Kirk) To BOLDLY split... infinitives... that no one has... split before. >Junior helped Robo up before going himself. RINI: (Junior) Me no know robots can use toilet! SETSUNA: A-HEM! >"Tata." Frog said. "I've something to give you." He unbuckled the >Masamune and handed it to Tata. This shocked Tata. SETSUNA: One "bzzt" joke and you die. >As he touched the sword, a faint electrical tingle went up his arm and >seemed to touch his heart. "May Masa and Mune protect you." Frog said. JACK: Instead, Masa and Mune are groping him... OH MY GOD!!! I made a yaoi crack! GYAAAAAAH! *Head explodes, flinging thongs everywhere. It soon reassembles.* HOTARU: (Sweet) Jack, where did you get those? JACK: (Woozy) I don't know... I think I spontaneously generate whatever comes out when my head explodes. HOTARU: If any of my thongs are missing, no sex for two weeks! JACK: Don't worry... *Passes out* RINI: ... Not gonna ask. >Marl stepped forward to Chrono. "Here, take this." she put her >pendant around his neck. "I hope it will protect you and bring you luck." >Chrono put his arms around her and kissed her. >He climbed into the Epoch. It was bigger inside. ALL: Ricola! *Echoes* JACK: *Wakes up* Urrrgh... Need a cola... >Two extra chairs were behind the original three and there was a large >empty space for storage. >"You think it's big enough?" Chrono asked sarcastically. RINI: Hee hee hee... JACK: For once, I'm not even going to make a crack here. SETSUNA: *Drool* AMY: Oh, for God's sake... >Luka missed the sarcasm. "I should put chairs in the back. Do you >realize the fortune I'd make giving people tours." >They flew away from the crowd, who waved and cheered. It was best >to let them think that this was just another aircraft, Luka waited until >they were out of sight of Truce before she set the Time Gauge for 11,999 BC. SETSUNA: (Lucca) Damn Domino's Pizza... pizza in 30 years or less my ass... >"Just like old times, eh?" she said to Chrono and Robo. Chrono just smiled >and nodded, not making a sound. JACK: Much like us. >"Yep, just like old times." she muttered. >She pushed the throttle to maximum and added, "Hold onto your asses." RINI: Okay! *Plays an enthusiastic game of Grabass with an unwilling Jack* JACK: What the _HELL_ are you doing?!?!? RINI: Just doing what the fic said to do. JACK: Grab Amy's ass, not mine! I'm married! RINI: Hmm... *Eyes Amy's butt* AMY: (Quiet) Rini, I'm not a lesbian. Don't even think about it. >Even though Junior had ridden in the Epoch before, this phrase >confused him. RINI: (Lucca) Junior, let go of my ass! SETSUNA: (Junior) But it so soft... *Shakes head* Where did that come from? >He looked startled and grabbed his butt. >The 'fires of time' flashed by as they sped through the time tunnel >at the speed of two light-years per second. SETSUNA: No, it's not fires, dammit! It's just floors of a tower! >They appeared over the Last Village. "Hey look," said Chrono, JACK: (Crono as Graham Chapman as King Arthur) The Castle Aaaaaaaaaaaagh! >"There's a house by the sea. It wasn't there before. Who do you suppose >lives there." RINI: The old man. SETSUNA: ... That was obscure. RINI: Thank you. >"That is North Cape." Robo said. "My records say that is where we >joined Magus during the Lavos adventure." AMY: (Robo) However, since I am using LP45s as storage media and steel as a stylus, my data might be flawed. >"Let's check it out." Luka said. RINI: Can anyone say major plot device? >* * * SETSUNA: (Janeway) Mr. Blaine, fire a full spread of transphasic torpedoes directly at the scene change. >Morda walked along the beach. The new, morning sun beat down >warmly on his face as his boots crunched in the snow. The long ice age >must have been ending, for the snow had not fallen in two months and the >remaining snow was slowly melting. JACK: (Morda) Hmm... what's this patch of yellow snow up ahead? >He saw something in the snow ahead of him. He bent down to look at >it. JACK: (Morda) Like I said... SETSUNA: Stop it. _NOW._ >The little creature glared at him, evilly. Then little, red bolts of >lightning shot from its spiky shell into his eyes. He screamed and stumbled >back. Then he composed himself and looked around with a new sight. He saw AMY: (Televangelist) The light, brother! The light of God _flows_ in upon us! JACK: Oh, God... not more televangelists... >an ugly world. He sneered. This planet, Earth, was full of weak, pathetic >humans. They deserved to be vanquished. He looked down at the little >creature. It looked up at him with an almost cute, cooing sound. He >picked it up, put it in his bag, and headed back to the house. JACK: After leaving a patch of yellow snow himself. *CLONG* RINI: Clong? SETSUNA: *Puts away the Time Staff* Clong. I didn't think that whack would work. >* * * JACK: Great. Now I'm seeing stars! SETSUNA: It's just the fic. JACK: Oh... okay. >Magus was in his chair, meditating. AMY: (Magus) Must meditate... must grow stronger... must make Ross Perot the President! SETSUNA: I'd have figured on Marilyn Manson, but Ross Perot'll work. >Schala was asleep in the bed the Last Villagers gave her. >I feel a presence, Magus thought, Like an old friend. And another. RINI: The Force is disturbed. JACK: It forgot to take its Correctol. >The Masamune? >There was a knock on the door. It woke Schala. She got up and >opened the door. Behind it stood Chrono. >"Chrono?!" Schala exclaimed and fainted. AMY: Schala Zeal, mistress of the obvious. RINI: And Rini Tsukino, mistress of the obscure. >Magus halfway stood up, his ears twitching. "What's going on? Schala?" SETSUNA: (Magus) Is my pizza here? >"She's fine." Chrono said, "She just fainted." >"Chrono?" Magus asked. JACK: (Chrono) No, I'm Magical Girl Pretty Nobuyuki. Where're the small animals? GYAAAH! *Is attacked by all Senshi* I SURRENDER! I'LL STOP!!! *Senshi stop attacking him* Geez, was it that bad? SETSUNA: Yes. AMY: You don't remember the fic that well, do you? JACK: Unfortunately, I do, and it's as f(BLEEP)cked up as an Oscarfic. >"It's me." Chrono said. JACK: (Chrono) No, I'm Ma... *Notices the Senshi staring at him* ... Martha Stewart. Julia Child's arriving shortly. SETSUNA: Better. >"Yeah, it's him. Are ya' blind." Luka said. Chrono punched her in >the arm. She saw that he 'was' blind. "Oh, sh..." Chrono punched her >again, before she could finish her sentence. "...oot." she finished, with >a slight change. RINI: How could she change clothes in the middle of a sentence? That's impossible... JACK: Hey, Chrona pulled it in Part 1. RINI: I don't know; I wasn't there. >"Me think she wake up." Junior said. Schala stirred and opened her >eyes. She looked at Chrono. "Oh, Chrono!" SETSUNA: (Schala) I thought I had you killed! Damn hitmen, screwing up... >she ran to him with tears in here eyes. "I'm sorry. I almost had you >killed." AMY: (Schala as Zoisite) Almost got him. Next time, though... I'm gonna get you, Time-boy! >"Hey, it's alright." he comforted. "Lavos only killed my clone." JACK: (Chrono) I've gotta learn to stay away from women that want to kill me... I'll deal with this later. I've got to go have sex with Marle first! >"Still, it's my fault for helping to summon Lavos." >"It's not your fault." he said, "Zeal, your mother, forced you." SETSUNA: No! Zeal's her mother?!? I did _not_ know that! >"She wasn't our mother. She was taken by the power of Lavos." >Schala said, "Lavos can corrupt almost anyone." SETSUNA: ... Never mind. >* * * AMY: (Kirk) Second star on the right and straight on till morning. RINI: Isn't that the way to the Starlights' star system? AMY: Not from here. >Morda sat alone in his room. He sat and meditated. SETSUNA: (Morda) Must meditate... must... increase power... must make George W. Bush... president! >When he came out of his trance, he went to the little aquarium he >had and pulled a little raw meat out of the cupboard. >There was a knock on the door. Morda looked up. His eyes glowed >evil and red; not the normal black with the slight sparkle of laughter. >"What is it." he snapped. RINI: (Sultry) Strip-o-gram for Morda. Repeat, strip-o-gram for Morda. OTHERS: ... JACK: I... kinda think we should let that one go. SETSUNA: (To Amy) God, Rini needs to get laid. AMY: (To Setsuna) No duh, lady. >"I'm going to bed." Jade said from behind the door. "Goodnight." >"Goodnight." Morda said, curtly. He turned back to his business >and dropped the red meat to the little thing in the aquarium. "Soon we >will destroy these weak humans." he said to it. He dropped some more meat >to the little Lavos Spawn in the tank. RINI: Why would you put a Lavos Spawn in a tank? I mean, the shell's tough enough already. And the weapons... well, "Destruction Rains from the Heavens" is freakin' powerful. >* * * JACK: (Computer) You gave... *Clicks* Angel Eyes *Click* Three stars! >"And that's what happened." Robo said as he finished explaining the >situation about Reene. SETSUNA: Do you understand? Yes <- No OTHERS: O_O' >They were all sitting around the table in Magus's hut. They were all >enjoying a jug of Saki Magus had gotten from a man at the village. AMY: They were all discussing ways to get out of their contracts and escape from this fanfic. >Being alcohol, Chrono and Luka were eager to dive in. Tata had a small >cup and immediately drank a gallon of water to cool his mouth. >Junior took a huge swig and apparently didn't like it, for he spit it all >over Tata. ALL: (Skippy Squirrel) Speeeeeeew! >"Yes," Magus said, "I know what it's like to lose a loved one." He >squeezed Schala's hand. "But don't worry. There is always a light at the >end of the tunnel and everything will go right in the end." RINI: Yeah, the light's a train heading for Texas from California. >"Wow." Luka said, "Is this the same suicidal, depressed Magus we've >all grown to love?" JACK: (Magus) *Sigh* Fine, Lucca. Omae o korosu... *Rini faints, a dreamy smile on her face* (Normal) Holy s(BLEEP)it! What happened to her? SETSUNA: *Groan* She's been fantasizing again, and from the look of her, it's Heero she's grinning about. >Magus laughed. "Indeed it is, lass." He turned his attention to >Tata. "You've been quiet; I sense that you are disturbed." AMY: (Magus) Have you taken your Prozac lately? >Tata's hot-headedness took over. "What do I have to say to you. >You tried to take over my people and you turned Frog into what he is now." SETSUNA: A cheap-wine guzzling, woman-beating, animal-abusing drunken frog! >The smile left Magus's face. "Frog." he said. "I regret the curse >that I put on him. Ozzie had the idea to do that to him. I mearly went >along with it to keep Ozzie thinking I had the same agenda as him." Magus >sighed, "I would fix it if I could." JACK: But he doesn't have a hex wrench. AMY: ... Perhaps Hotaru could help. JACK: Yeah, but she's with the Azusas right now. ALL: *Shudder* >Meanwhile, Chrono had been constantly drinking his saki. "Thish >shtuff ish shtrong." Chrono slurred. He started to get up but he fell on >his face. JACK: (Singing) When you walk through the storm, hold your head up high... and you'll slip and fall flat on your ass in the mud. >Luka, who could hold her liquor better, bust out laughing. AMY: "Bust out?" Isn't that the twelfth time we've heard that since we got here? >Schala went and put her arms around his chest and picked him up, to put him >on the bed. JACK AND AMY: Le-mon! Le-mon! SETSUNA: Not a chance, kids. *ZZZAP* >"Wheeee!" he squealed. SETSUNA: (Homer Simpson, drunk) Look at me! I'm a puffy pink cloud! >Schala's hands met something under his shirt. ALL: *Blink blink* SETSUNA: This... is getting weird. AMY: He's got man-breasts? JACK: *Grabs a barf bag* >She pulled it out. It was her pendant. She took it off him and he >fell to the floor with a thump. >"My pendant!" Schala exclaimed. AMY: (Schala) You dirty thieves! Magus, teach them a lesson! JACK: (Magus) Righty-ho! Darkmatter! *His spell, normally useless, erupts into the theater and explodes, leaving the room covered in black goo.* SETSUNA: ... You're cleaning this up. JACK: No, I'm sending the nanobots to do it. Better them than me. >"Yeah." Luka said, putting down her saki. "I forgot about that. >Somehow, it got in Marl's family and was passed down to her." >"We can heal you." Schala said excitedly to Magus. He just sat in >his chair and smiled. JACK: (Magus) Dude... Lucca's hot... and she's gonna give me he... *CRACK* SETSUNA: Stop the hentai. _NOW._ >Schala explained about the spell for Magus's blindness and needing >the pendant to help him. Luka nodded her head, "I see. Well, let's do it." AMY: (Lucca) *Blink* I never knew you were like that, Schala! *BLU-KONG!* SETSUNA: Didn't you hear me? >Schala went to the shelf and pulled the book down from it. She >went and knelt before Magus's chair. She held the pendant aloft, opened >the book and began to read. As she chanted the strange Zealian tongue, >her SETSUNA: Audience lost interest in the entire fanfic. ALL: (Chanting) The strange Zealian tongue... the strange Zealian tongue... >pendant began to glow. A weird gray smoke rose from it and floated into >Magus's eyes. His blank, gray eyes slowly fogged up, turned white, and then >deep black pupils appeared. >Magus blinked and looked around for the first time in three months. JACK: (Magus) The light! It's blinding! SETSUNA: (Schala) No, wait... oh, damn. Now we've got to heal him again. >His eyes rested on Schala. Tears came to her eyes as she got up and >embraced her brother. She cried for a few moments before finally composing >herself. SETSUNA: Into each and every note of Mozart's 40th. >Magus looked at his hut. Schala had cleaned it and it certainly >looked different. AMY: Well, the paintings of fluffy bunnies and big purple dinosaurs on the walls kinda gave it away. >He saw Chrono, who was snoring loudly on the floor, Luka, Robo, and >the new faces. He guessed that the one in the caveman attire was Ayla's son, >Junior, which made the strapping lad with the Masamune, Tata. "Well," >Magus said, "when Chrono awakes, we should be off." SETSUNA: After it's off, the Entity must turn the power switch on so we may get going on our quest. >"We?" Luka asked. >"Yes." Magus said. "You wouldn't deny an old friend to help >another friend in need. Besides, it sounds like... fun." He smiled his >sharp-toothed grin. SETSUNA: (Magus) I will mangle their bodies and devour their souls. JACK: (Tata) Just put down a tarp first. >"I'm going, too." said Schala. >Magus smiled. >Luka went to Chrono and kicked him in the ribs. He just mumbled. JACK: (Chrono, drunk and asleep) Marle, get off me, it's Lucca's turn... *WHACK WA-TAK CLONK* Clonk? Getting a bit obsessive, are we? SETSUNA: *Puts away Time Staff* It's just so hard to find good things to spar with up here. >"Let's just hope he wakes up soon." She went back to her saki. AMY: Yeah, Rini needs to wake up soon or we're screwed. >* * * SETSUNA: These should act nicely. Dead Scream. Dead Scream, Dead Scream. *Her attack fries the three asterisks onscreen* AMY: (Olympic announcer) Meiou Setsuna takes home the gold in Olympic target dusting for Japan! And the crowd goes wild! JACK: (Dully) Yay. >Reene was asleep on the bed. Jade sat next to the fireplace. She >looked at Reene and smiled. She went back to the little socks she was >knitting. JACK: (Jade) Oh, no, is it knit two, purl one, or knit one, purl two? >Dalton was asleep on the sofa and snored loudly. Jade sat and thought >about how great it would be to have a child like Reene. AMY: Hmm... Maybe Serenity should have a talk with this dame. She needs some serious help. >She was so cute. JACK: So sugary sweet that her special Senshi power is to give people cavities from a 50-mile distance. >Just then, Morda came in. His eyes glowed eerily red. He had his >pouch with him. SETSUNA: He decided that he was going after Blaine for putting him in a fanfic instead of a cozy place on Maui. AMY: He immediately cast DarkMatter on the offending fanfic. JACK: He shattered the fanfic, and then leapt out and beat the riffers over their heads for using repetitive grammar riffs. AMY AND SETSUNA: Shut up. >"Hello, Father." JACK: (Taban as Vader) Lucca, I am your father. It's true. AMY: (Lucca as Luke) No you're not! I have working lungs and you don't! >Jade said, not looking up from her knitting. Morda walked past her and >over to Reene. He put a hand over her mouth and chanted SETSUNA: (Chanting) Amadeus, Amadeus... Amadeus, Amadeus... Amadeus, Amadeus... AMY: (Shinji Ikari) I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away... JACK: Pie Jesu dominem... *Hits self in head* Dona eis requiem... *Hits head again* Pie Jesu dominem... *WHAP* Dona eis requiem... *CLONK* SETSUNA: Mr. Chapman, Mr. Cleese, any members of the Monty Python troupe - if you're reading this, I apologize for his pathetic performance. >a spell to make her remain sleeping. He picked her up and put her over his >shoulder, like a booger-man taking a child in the night. SETSUNA: You can pick your kids... AMY: You can pick your nose. JACK: But you can't pick your kid's nose. SETSUNA: Unless you're Morda and you're trying to get Reene's magic boogers to power the Lavos Spawn. >"Father, what are you doing?" Jade asked, alarmed. He turned to her. >His eyes burned red with malice and evil, like an unholy flame. JACK: (Morda) I'm going to act out the entire "Thriller" video here. Would you like to help out? *Evil grin* AMY: (Jade) AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!! >Jade had seen that once before. It was in the eyes if Queen Zeal, when >she was under Lavos's control. >Morda put out a hand and a black frame shot at Jade. SETSUNA: That reminds me, we've got to update the Satellite's website. JACK: Beryl left us a web site?!? SETSUNA: Yeah. I've been webmistress for the past eight months. JACK AND AMY: -_-'' >She raised a shield of white magic, but the impact still knocked her down. >"Dalton!" she screamed. He woke and jumped to his feet. >"What the hell..." he said. Then he saw Morda's eyes and knew what >was going down. JACK: (Morda) You will die! I'm putting you in a fanfic! SETSUNA: (Dalton) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! >He raised his hands to chant his Iron Orb spell, but was >too late. Morda chanted Dark Matter. The huge, black pyramid of >concentrated black magic AMY: Redundancy in fanfiction. Such a redundant thing. This is a public message for the public by the Department of Redundancy Department of the Rudundant University of Redundancy in Ohio's city, Redundant, Ohio. >spun toward Dalton and hit him head on. He screamed in agony and slumped >to the ground. His body was smoking and his flesh bubbled. JACK: (Morda) Hmm... overcooked the Dalton! >He was dead. SETSUNA: (Lucca) He's dead, Jade. AMY: (Jade) But that's impossible! >Jade screamed in horror as Morda made good his escape with Reene. >Jade ran after him down the hall. JACK: This so reeks of a dream I had recently... one where Kenny was chasing me and I shot him to death three times. >The bag he had with him banged against the wall. There was a strange, >little screech. Something fell out. She continued to pursue him out of >the house. Once outside he leapt into the air and flew off. But how? AMY: He'd reserved a flight with Evil Villain Airlines, the only airline to span space and time to help out evil masterminds! >Most of their strong magic was lost with Zeal. >It would take something of immense power to instill that kind of magic >into him. SETSUNA: (Jade) Let's see... Start Menu, Settings, Control Panel... Add/Remove Programs... Uninstill Lavos Spawn Super Dark Evil Unholy Demonic world-Dominating Magic 1.5... JACK: (Computer) Are you sure you want to uninstall? SETSUNA: (Jade) No, you idiot, I want to uninstill... UNINSTILL! >Jade went into the house and found what had fallen out of the bag. JACK: (Jade) Oh, Morda... stop dropping your Swank magazines all over the house! *THWAP* >She picked it up and gasped as a shudder of dark power came over her. What >she now held explained everything. It was SETSUNA: The CIA's Kennedy assassination file! AMY: The Illuminati's agenda for world domination! JACK: Queen Beryl's evil fanfiction database! AMY: Now that's truly scary. >a spike from the shell of a Lavos Spawn. > > SETSUNA: Looks like that's it. Shall we go? *Exit all* (Reverse door sequence) (Scene: SoS Bridge. Apparently, Hotaru used the Plot Contrivance Gun on the Azusas, and they've turned into a refrigerator filled to the brim with alcoholic beverages and non-alcoholic liquids. Each Senshi - Rini's been put in her room, though - and Jack has a beverage, and Setsuna's and Amy's are alcoholic.) JACK: This set of fics wasn't half bad! I actually kinda like this fic. AMY: Speak for yourself. The spelling mistakes - Marl and Luka - oy. And then there's the concept of another Guru... as if Melchior, Gaspar, and Balthasar weren't enough already. SETSUNA: Still, though, Blaine's getting better. At least it's not like "Fit to be Tied"... *All shudder. Jack sips at his drink* JACK: So any idea what we're getting next? MAGIC VOICE: I think I'll give you a hint. You've all watched Jerry Springer? JACK: Yeah, why? AMY: Um... no... SETSUNA: *Sigh* You would not believe how much I've seen that show. MAGIC VOICE: And you liked it? SETSUNA: It's pretty much the only thing I can get at the Gate of Time. JACK: I was bored, so I flipped to it. Unfortunately, it's never a good topic, so... MAGIC VOICE: Well, this time, some... interesting... people are on there, and there's more hentai than "That's What a Tail's Good For". Oh, yeah... expect to see Beryl's hooters. JACK: _NANINANINANI?!?!?_ MAGIC VOICE: Now don't go quoting the fic! *Clicks off speaker* HOTARU: He's got to be joking. SETSUNA: God, I hope so. AMY: Well, at least Ranma and Kodachi are back. JACK: Yep, it's good to have them back here. HOTARU: Maybe not for them, but for us. SETSUNA: At least it's nearly back to normal around here... *Kodachi runs in. She's dressed in Chinese clothes and has her hair in a ponytail* KODACHI: Catch me if you can, Ranma! *Runs away as Ranma enters. He's dressed in her leotard and is wielding a ribbon, not to mention her black roses, pins, and a few ball bombs.* RANMA: Oh, hohohohohohoho! Kodachi-sama, you shall not escape me this time! I shall catch you and express my love... *Notices the Senshi and Jack staring at him* Uh... hi, guys. *Dead silence* JACK: *Sips at his tea* We don't want to know. RANMA: Okay... *Bounds off in search of Kodachi* ALL: ... SETSUNA: *Walks to fridge* Who wants to join me in a drink? AMY: Line 'em up. Eight beers. Count 'em... eight. HOTARU: I don't think that eight beers are good for you... AMY: Hotaru-chan, I have brain cells that remember this. I want them dead. JACK: ... -_-' *Notices the red button flashing* Erm... Seems Meilin, Mimi, and Minmay are calling. *Hits the button* (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: *Still being mauled by the wombat* Emerald... get this thing off of me! EMERALD: Yes, sir... *Moves in to catch the wombat, but the furry creature evades her, does the standard anime diving cut, and severs her blouse's shoulder straps, leaving Diamond with quite an eyeful* DIAMOND: Ooh... *Nosebleed* EMERALD: (Pissed) Diamond... no... BAKA!!! *Summons a mallet, whacks Diamond, and he flies back into the button* DIAMOND: Someone get the license number of the mallet that whacked me... *Faints* (FWOOSH) \ | / \ | / \|/ ---0--- /|\ / | \ / | \ AUTHOR'S NOTES Well, that's episode 18 done. I'm seriously out of it now, so I need to get some food into me and some new fics on my freshly repaired laptop. I can't believe that I fixed it! I managed to buy a new 6GB hard drive from Fry's Electronics - yes, I know that's a blatant plug, but hey, they're damn cheap, and they've got the best stuff for computers! Anyway, I took it home and installed it the same night, using nothing but a screwdriver and a Windows boot disk. Then my Toshiba rescue disk was unreadable (I knew I shouldn't have kept it in a lead box), and I had to use Microsoft's Rescue Disk for 98 to get DOS on. Trust me, if you've never used DOS before, don't start now. I've been using it for 10 years, and it's still tough to use. Anyway, I managed to install 98, which is a step up from 95, which is what I'd been using before... and even better, I can now connect wirelessly with my gift from my parents: five years of free Ricochet Internet access! Still, though, it took eight hours to install and configure Windows and my hardware, and so I offer this advice to you all: BACK UP YOUR FILES. FOR THE LOVE OF KAMI-SAMA, BACK THEM UP!!! I lost my entire anime collection (movies, MP3s, fanfics, images, everything), all my writings (including that angsty fic about the death of Tai Kamiya's mother and Poke-Captor Sakura Episode 2, not to mention the TK/Jun Motomiya lemon I was writing *Shudder and grin*), all my sounds, all my Internet, all my bookmarks... everything! So if you all sent me e-mail for the past month, or if you sent fics that you wanted MSTed, I'm gonna have to ask you to send them again. This time, though, send them to TuxedoJack@juno.com At any rate, the next episode is a SM/Jerry Springer crossover, and it ain't gonna be pretty. Episode 19.5 has the G-boys riffing (that's a first - a MSMT3K ep that doesn't use the Senshi or Jack) a fic about them going miniature golfing, and the season finale has a battle with the Black Moon, a Shinji Ikari (10 o' Clock Assassin) lemon, and a Stephen Ratliff story involving Marrissa Picard! YAAAAAAAARRRGH! How can we survive? By smiling and nodding! Until next time, tomodachi, ja ne! Tuxedo Jack Tuxedojack@juno.com STINGER: ">Chrono's mom was talking to him by the Epoch. "You be sure to wear >clean underpants." she said." Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 2 Schedule Episode 119: "A Very Special Jerry Springer" by Jessie Episode 119.5: "G-boys go Miniature Golfing" by Lady Kat Episode 120: Double Trouble ("The New Goddess" by Shinji Ikari the 10 o' Clock Assassin and "Memorial Day" by Stephen Ratliff) Season 3 Schedule (Preliminary) Episode 121: "A Lesson in History or The Story of the Yaoi Monkey" by Onsce Episode 122: "Tenchi Porno: A Satire" by Graffito Tag (Warning: Severe lime content. More so than a margarita.)