"It's good to be the king." - Mel Brooks, "History of the World Part 1" ********************************************************************** Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 116 BLACK MOON'S BLADES: Five fics by Sailor Sugar ********************************************************************** SEND THEM THE DISCLAIMER, FRANK!: Sailor Moon and all related concepts are the property of Takeuchi Naoko-sama. Ranma 1/2 and all related concepts are the property of Takahashi Rumiko-san. All Gundam Wing concepts and character are the property of whoever created it. Tuxedo Jack is the property of, well, Tuxedo Jack. These five fics are courtesy of Sailor Sugar, also known as Safire Angel. They're her property, and it's by her grace and permission that I'm MSTing them all in one episode. MST3K belongs to Best Brains. Guesting in this episode is Tuxedo Alex, my old friend with whom I MSTed "Fit to be Tied". He's his own property. Need I say more? I'm hereby announcing that I'll be taking a month's vacation from this series after I finish this in order to work on my web design jobs. They're piling up, and I'm paid by the hour. Nagareboshi he, minna-san! ********************************************************************** In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere out deep in space, The SoS and its eight riffers Continue the endless chase! We thought we had beaten the Black Moon (Who happen to like Debussy's "Claire De Lune",) They found our satellite and aimed their gun And because of their bad fanfics, We are back onto square one!! (Emerald: Ah, hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!) (Setsuna) So we're stuck with some new villains, (Hotaru) Among the worst yet, (la la la) (Rini) Even worse, they're sending us fics (Amy) Was this because of an unpaid debt? (la la la) (Jack) Now keep in mind we can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) It's quite a test of sanity, So on other we must depend! SENSHI ROLL CALL! Setsuna! (Nuclear missile launched.) Hotaru! (It finds its target - a house.) Teenage Rini! (The house becomes hell.) Amy! (STOP WITH THE FRIGGIN' HAIKUS!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other science facts, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "I'm not up there, Now I need to sit back and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! *Twang* ********************************************************************** (Scene: SoS bridge, a week after the Black Moon returned. Rini, Hotaru, Setsuna, and Nephrite are sitting there, drinking coffee in their bathrobes.) SETSUNA: Wonder what Jack said about us getting home during the last fic? NEPHRITE: (Nonchalant) Probably meant that we'd get home. HOTARU: Did he really make that... erm... nether region taste riff? RINI: *Nod* HOTARU: Damn. I hoped that he'd keep the details of our sex life in the bedroom. JACK: *Enters* Morning, everyone! HOTARU: Jack, did you make a riff about how I taste? JACK: Erm... yes... Sorry, but the line was just begging for it. RINI: Well, it _was_ how the taste would always be different... HOTARU: (dryly) I'll take your word for it. *A massive thud rocks the Satellite* Holy s(BLEEP)it! What the hell was that?!? JACK: Computer, give me camera number six! *The hexfield lights up, revealing a scene of a ship docked with the SoS's shuttlebay* RINI: I know that ship! That's... SETSUNA: No way! How'd _he_ get here? JACK: Who the hell is that? *Door to bridge opens, revealing...* RYOGA HIBIKI: Uh, this isn't Nerima? RANMA: *Enters* What the hell was that thud?!? *Pulls on a robe. Kodachi enters just behind him...* Ryoga?!? What're you doing here? RYOGA: Saotome? That you? RANMA: Yeah! What're you doing here? JACK: You know this guy? RANMA: Yeah, Ryoga and I rival each other for (Sarcastic) dear Akane's (normal) heart. Ryoga, you can have her. I love Kodachi. RYOGA: *Facefault* You're kidding. KODACHI: This does not lie. *Kodachi and Ranma French for a full three minutes. Needless to say, the men get nosebleeds.* RYOGA: Holy s(BLEEP)it! You're not kidding! SETSUNA: What're you doing out here? RYOGA: Well, Serena and Darien sent a general distress call out after you four disappeared, and all ships are forever on the lookout for you. However, your vessel's cloaked, so you aren't gonna be spotted easily. RINI: Then how'd you get here? RYOGA: I crashed. MALE VOICE: (O.S.) Geez, Ryoga, could you go a little easier? *Duo Maxwell enters* Hey, guys. HOTARU: Whoa, Magic Voice was right! RYOGA: Magic Voice? JACK: Long story, no time. HOTARU: (To Jack) Let's take Duo aside... JACK: (To Hotaru) Good Idea. FEMALE VOICE: (O.S.) Someone get the license number of the asteroid that hit me... HOTARU: Oh my God... she's here? SETSUNA: I don't believe it! FEMALE VOICE: Hotaru-chan? Setsuna? Is that you? *Michiru enters, flanked by Haruka, the other Senshi, and Darien!* Hot damn! HARUKA: We finally found you! MAGIC VOICE: Yep! I thought that this little plot contrivance would be good for a special episode. Enjoy, people - more people will come later! (To Jack) You do realize that they won't be able to stay but through this episode, right? JACK: (To Magic Voice) Yeah. Can they get us on a course home, though? MAGIC VOICE: (To Jack) Maybe... SERENA: Rini... DARIEN: Honey... RINI: Mom! Dad! *Rushes into their arms* It's so good to see you again! MICHIRU: Hotaru! HARUKA: Hey, Hotaru! Don't forget about us! HOTARU: Don't worry! *Hugs each of them* REI: Amy-chan! LITA: How have you been? MINA: Busy lately? AMY: You wouldn't believe it if you tried. JACK: Well, that's it for them... SERENA: Nephrite? What're you doing here? NEPHRITE: Beryl sent me here as punishment for failing her when we sent the fics to these five. What can I say but sorry? DARIEN: Don't worry about it. What matters is that we're back together. DUO: Hey, Jack, you were mentioning something earlier about a rutabaga? JACK: Yeah, it's a little code Hotaru and I worked out... *Takes Duo aside and begins whispering. The red button flashes.* Anyone wanna get that? NEPHRITE: I'll get it. *Hits button* (Black Moon UFO) SAPPHIRE: Good morning, everybody. Did you sleep well? (SoS) RINI: Yep. How 'bout you? SERENA: Sapphire? You're back too? (Black Moon UFO) SAPPHIRE: Serena? How'd you get there? Well, my conscience isn't sitting easy. You've got one high-production author to deal with today, and the five fics she sent us are completely loony. (SoS) SETSUNA: So you could say that your conscience has hemorrhoids? (Black Moon UFO) B-KO: (Lusty) Oh, Sapphire... SAPPHIRE: Dammit! B-ko's here, and she's coming after me! *Falls on knees* Please let me send you a fic... that's the only way I can leave this room! (SoS) RINI: By all means, go! You did save Mom at the past moon when we fought Sin and Apsu. SERENA: Rini! RINI: Oh, fine, Mommy. Don't read the fics. (Muttering) Wimp. (Black Moon UFO) SAPPHIRE: Thanks so much, people. *Hits a button and runs out* (SoS) JACK: We've got SERIES SIIIIIIIGN!!!!! *Klaxons blare, lights flash* (Door sequence) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: Lenna, Faris, Cara, and Butz from FFV. They follow you. Door 4: Shinryuu. Faris uses X-Magic to cast Flare twelve times (yeah, I know it'll only work for two, but if you're a TimeWizard master with Quick, you can do 4 Flare Casts a turn!) and wipes him out. Door 3: Omega. Lenna uses X-Magic to cast Holy twice and he dies. Door 2: Gilgamesh. Butz steals the Genji Armor from him. Door 1: Exdeath. Cara casts Quick once, Meteo twice, GP Toss twice, X-Magic Flare and Holy twice each, and then a Bahamut TeraFlare for good measure. Needless to say, Exdeath's incinerated. (SoS Theater - repaired to boot! Seating order from left to right: Amy, Rini, Jack, Setsuna, and Hotaru.) HOTARU: Anyone notice something weird here? JACK: Yeah... but I can't put my finger on it. SETSUNA: I think she means that we're the ones who've been riffing the last three fics in a row! RINI: Yeah... what gives? MAGIC VOICE: Well, the authoress specifically asked for you five when she sent the e-mail... and Jack and Hotaru have a little something to tell you three. That explains the guest stars. JACK: SHUT UP!!! BAHAMUT CALL! *Bahamut roasts the speaker with MegaFlare* HOTARU: Well, we're getting married. OTHERS: *Facefault* JACK: We were just waiting for a priest, and Magic Voice arranged for Duo to come along, so when he arrived, we decided it was time! SETSUNA: (Stammering) Have you set a date yet? HOTARU: Actually, we're doing it today. RINI: *MegaFacefault* >Konnichiwa!, Safire here, and I'd like to announce that SETSUNA: (Safire in shock) I'm clinically insane! HOTARU: I'm pregnant! SETSUNA: *Jaw hits the floor* JACK: Oh, calm down, Setsuna. Hotaru's not pregnant. HOTARU: Erm... JACK: Oh... my... God... HOTARU: Just kidding! ^_^ >this is my very very >very very very first fanfic. JACK: This is my very very very very very last day as a bachelor. HOTARU: Thus proving that "Copy and Paste" are frequently used. MAGIC VOICE: FOURTH... ah, to hell with it. >Pretty exciting, huh! Anyway, I came up with >idea for a fanfic and thought I'd share my fanfic with everyone of you! SETSUNA: And I'll share my ammunition with you. *Whips out three machine guns* SUCK THIS!!! >Enjoy! ALL: Coca-Cola! >****** AMY: Six stars: The mark of the beast. >Title: I Wanna Have Some Fun Too! RINI: (Singing a la Sheryl Crow) All I wanna do is have some fun... >It was a bright sunny day and everyone was having fun. Everyone >except the JACK: Five riffers on the Satellite of Senshi stuck riffing crappy fanfics. >dark depressive girl who lived in a mansion at 32 Cherryriver >Street north of Juuban in Tokay, Japan, Earth. She sat in the dark. >She was by herself. She sat in the dark by herself. HOTARU: See Spot. See Spot run. Run, Spot, run. SETSUNA: This sounds vaguely familiar... >With a sigh she stated, "I hate my life! Why DO I have to be the dark >and depressive sailor senshi chick?" Hoturu stared at the curtains in her >room and sighed. RINI: Hotaru, you still have that anti-fic effect device? HOTARU: Right here. *Flips it on* >They were made of a heavy black polyester blend available >at Kmart for $2.99. JACK: That reminds me, Hotaru, whose quarters will we be using? HOTARU: We can just knock down the wall. Mine's next door to you. >Then she glanced down at the floor. "I wanna have some fun to!" She >pounted. Then she picked up a magazine that Reni left at her house. SETSUNA: *Squints at title* Play... girl... RINI!!!! RINI: Crap! How'd she find out about my stash?!? >Staring at the shiny cover, she opened the magazine and sighed again. >The picture was so beautiful. Then she opened and flipped to her >favorite page. "Gee, I wonder what the others would think?'" she said as she >got comfortible. AMY: This is going to be a lemon, I just know it. MAGIC VOICE: Nope, no lemon yet. You don't read the disclaimers, do you? >Hotaru aka Sailor Saturn stared at the picture for a long time. HOTARU: *Stares at the screen* JACK: Damned batteries must be dead. >Hmm, maybe I should after all.....I do need a change after all. Hmm, I wonder >hat my bestest fried in the whole world would think?" HOTARU said allowed >as she giggled. RINI: I'd say that you were completely insane and psychotic and need some medication. >With that, Hotaru got up from her and and reached under the bed and >pulled out a small box of hair dye. She then went to her bathroom and >folloewd the directions on the box and died her hare. When she was done JACK: She buried her rabbit in her backyard with a full military funeral service. >Hotaru emerged from the bathroom with.....DUM DUM DUM! ALL: (Muted Trumpet) Wah wah wah.... >......BLONDE HAIR! HOTARU: THE F(BLEEP)CK?!? *Hair changes to blond* My HAIR!!! JACK: Hmm... not bad... HOTARU: SHUT UP!!! *THWACK THWACK* >Hotaru looked in the mirror and smiled. "Now I can be just like my >favorite singer in the whole entire world! Britney Spears! " HOTARU: Actually, I like Ryoko Hirosue. RINI: Britney Spears is just sick. >She skipped to her closet and went through tons of black clothes >until she found exactly what she looking for. AMY: A black dress, a black veil, and a black set of high heels. >A shiny hot pink tank top that >said porn star on the front, white capris and hot pink high heels. Quickly >she changed HOTARU: NOOOOO!!!!!!! *Clothes change to exactly those of the fic* AMY: *Bursts out laughing* JACK: Gaaah! *Pinches nose shut* Nodebleed! >and gleefully ran down the stairs as she sang "Crazy" at the >top of her lungs. SETSUNA: She then tripped and shattered her neck, mercifully sparing her from any more humiliation in this fic. >She then jumped into her $299.00 Porsh and raced off to Rini's house >to show her her new look. Unfortunately on her way she ran over Luna and >Artimis who were taling in the middle of the sidewalk. ALL: (Nelson Muntz) Ha ha! >But they just >redeflated and were all better. HOTARU: So they got themselves run over again? RINI: Cool. >She raced to Rini's house and up the stairs to her room were Mercury, >Mars, Serena, Rini, Amara Michiru, Makota, Setsunami, JACK: *Imitates klaxon* Warning! Tenchi Crossover Imminent! *Klaxon again* >Tuxedo, and Venus were DIAMOND'S VOICE: (O.S.) Participating in "Chibi-Usa's Seventh Birthday". JACK: AAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!! *Head explodes, flinging chibi-Avanents everywhere. It quickly reassembles* >standing. They all saw her run in the door and dropped their jaws. HOTARU: Very well. *Pulls off fake jaw and drops it to the floor* >"Like, Hi peeps! It's this like, so Kawaii?!" Hotaru said all bubble. ALL: GYAH!!! RINI: *Sobs* Make the insanity stop! MAKE THE INSANITY STOP!!! HOTARU: Omae o korosu, Safire... SETSUNA: Please, kill me now... *Cries* JACK: I thought it couldn't get any worse. AMY: Apparently, you were wrong. >Everyone continued to stare. >"Wow that is so cool!" Pluto barked as raced out the window. SETSUNA: Now they're bringing Disney in? >"No fair! Now I can be the airhead no more!" Sailor V pouted. MINA: (Over P.A.) SHOVE IT!!! >"wELL, dUH!" said Saturn as she rolled her blue eyes. HOTARU: Not again... *Eyes change color to blue* AMY: Tomoe, Torgo Tomoe... HOTARU: Stop right there. >Setuna Emerged later with torn jeans a white T-shirt and black combat >boots. She also shaved her head. SETSUNA: NOOOOO!!!!!! *Changes to reflect the fic* JACK: *Bursts out laughing* >"Took you long enough! I keeped tripped over your dambass long hair!" >Ray grumbled. >With a sniffle, Mina ran to the bathroom and died her hair. She died >it dark. When she came back, everyone laughed. She died it baby blue. RINI: What is is with Safire and her homicidal tendencies? >"Hey! That's my color!" Ami yelled as she pulled on mina's hair. >"No, this is robin's egg blue! You're is a yucky dark blue! >Jupiter threw up on Rini. It was icky. RINI: Oh, gods, no... *Jupiter - the fic Jupiter - vomits on Rini* EEEEEEWWWWW!!!!!!! >Tux threw a book at her. It hurt. JACK: My head exploded. It flung interocitors everywhere. *Head explodes, flinging interocitors everywhere. It reassembles* >"Will you people shut up! I have a logical explaination for this!" >Serena shouted. ALL: *Burst out laughing* >"Well, brainiac, what's it?" Neptune asked as she punched Uranus. MICHIRU: *Enters theater* Just what're you all doing here? RINI: Riffing fics. Wanna help out? MICHIRU: Why not? *Sits down next to Hotaru* What happened to you? HOTARU: Don't ask. *Grumbles* >"It's simple actually. I entered all the data into my computer and >hacked into a few files to find that we all have been possessed by the MICHIRU: CIA and the X-Files craze. >latest villian. This is their way of destroying us, by causing sheer >insainity JACK: AAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!! Avanent's fic is really happening! MAGIC VOICE: Well, you're gonna have to riff it soon, so get used to it. This is pretty similar. >so they can try to take over the world." HOTARU: Pinky and the Brain are the new villains? >Usagi explained as she >took off her JACK: Hotaru, I hope you don't mind if I still make hentai riffs. HOTARU: Go ahead, if I can hit you. JACK: Clothes! *THWAP* >glasses. MICHIRU: Which can be found in Worus Town. JACK: Fangirl. >The room was silent. >"That was brilliant Serena! You are the smartest one here!" Uranus >praised. RINI: Yep, the insanity's set in. You guys mind if I leave so I can get this vomit off of my clothes? MICHIRU: Just transform! RINI: Oh, right. MOON CRYSTAL POWER! *Transforms to Neo-Sailor Moon* Ah, that's better. >Rei came out of the bathroom with short curly Red hair AMY: Hey, Asuka's guesting! >and started to sing Annie. >Everyone laughed so Rei cried. >Rini just sat in a corner picking her nose and farting not really >paying attention to anything going on. while singing, "Oops I did it again. >I let out a big fart......" ALL: *Eyes bug out* JACK: *Turns head to Rini, who's picking her nose and farting* ALL BUT RINI: Oh my God... RINI: What? >"Hehehe, Rini so is Funny!" Hotaru giggled. >An iceburg fell on Uranus. AMY: My anus hurts! Damn iceberg! HOTARU: You think it'd relieve your hemorrhoids. >Everyone screamed "OH MY GOD YOU KILLED URANUS! YOU BASTARDS!" MICHIRU: Okay. RINI, HOTARU, AND AMY: (Stan) Oh, my god! You killed Uranus! JACK AND MICHIRU: (Kyle) You bastards! MICHIRU: Mmmm..... Jack... *Embraces him* JACK: Nani?!? I thought that you and Uranus were... Not that it's not nice, but still... HOTARU: Michiru-mama... LEGGO OF MY JACK!!! >"I'll never let go, Jack. I'll never let go..." Michelle said with >tears in her eyes. HOTARU: Oh, it's just the fic. Never mind. AMY: Damn dubbers... JACK: (Gasping) Michiru... choking... me... *Gasp* >Tux annouced he had to pee and since there was no bathroom he did out >the window. AMY: And it soaked the passing presidential convertible where Bill Clinton and Monica were 69ing in the back seat. >"WHERE IS NUMBER 2!" He screamed. MICHIRU: (Miss Kensington) In your anus! >The irish guy fell out the window. RINI: Yep, cheap Austin Powers cameo here. >"Oh, um, I like got like a like flat like tire so like I like need >like a jack or something." Hotaru said as she twirled a piece of hair >around her finger. JACK: NOW?!?!? In the theater?!? _DURING A FIC_?!?!? HOTARU: It certainly is one of the kinkier places we could do it... MICHIRU: Nani?!? Hotaru's lost her virginity?!? JACK: Hell, Michiru, we're getting married. Relax! >"Oh, I'll help." Tux said as he jumped up and down. >They went out the car, but first had to walk down some staires. and >picked up the car and threw it across the street. ALL: (High-pitched chanting) Hercules! Hercules! >"Welcome!" HO said cheerful. >"Uh, yeah." Tux answered back. >Merrily they skipped back to Rei's temple where everyone was at. HOTARU: Rei's Temple: the hot new spot where everyone goes for fun. >Just then Queen Beryl came. AMY: All over Tuxedo Mask's *DING*. DARIEN: (Over P.A.) Hey! >Everyone but Uranus looked at her becuase >Uranus dyed. JACK: Dyed what? Her hair? MICHIRU: *Still holds on to Jack* I thought she died! HOTARU: Michiru-mama... can you please let go? MICHIRU: The fic's still making me hold on! JACK: Once it's over, you'll be fine. >"Just what poop do you think you are doing here you poopy head!" Amy >shouted. JACK: (Dr. Forrester) Dohh... poopy. HOTARU: (Wakko) Potty, potty, potty, potty, potty... >Berly glared. "Shud up ya twit! I have a confession to make. You >see.... Rini....I am your mother." SERENA: (Over P.A. as Vader) Rini... I am your mother. It's true. >At first everyone was confused but realized with their hair, it is >true. >"MOMMY!" Rini cried out as she raced toward Queen Beryl and gave her >a big hug and kiss. HOTARU: Amazing. Something actually coherent and non-Thinkerish in its form and function. >Everyone continued to stare. Then the mother and daughter >disappeared. MICHIRU: For they were sucked into a black hole. >Everyone went back to what they were doing. Serena was reading a >Metaphysical Molecular Biology book, AMY: And it was called "Star Trek for Dummies". >Mars was playing badmiton with Bob. JACK: How can Windows 95's prototype play badminton? AMY: Must have been one of the features that got cut. >Miciru was having a spitting contest with Setsuna. SETSUNA: *Spits on the fanfic* MICHIRU: *Spits a loogie on the fanfic* Hah! I win! RINI: You two are sick. >Ami was playing the in >mud, Venus, was completing her theory on the meaning of life on her $8.00 >laptop computer made by Apple available at Circuit City. JACK: Crap! I paid $450 for mine! >Uranus was jumping >rope, MICHIRU: But she's dead... AMY: Don't nitpick. It only makes it worse. >Jeptuer was painting her nails, Hotaru was blowing bubbles with her >$50.00 Bubbliuos buble gum from Kmart. And Tux was ironing his cape. AMY: Well, that's it. JACK: Shall we leave? >***** >Finito. HOTARU: Gee, subtle. >Neat huh? Hope you like. And just remember, Sugar is a good thing! Until >then Sailor Sugar says, "Hehe!" JACK: And Tuxedo Jack says, (Cartman) "Mom, I need Weight Gain 4000!" ALL: *Exit theater* (Reverse door sequence) (Scene: SoS Bridge. The entire cast is sitting there on four couches, with the Inner Senshi and Tuxedo Mask on the two black leather couches and the Outer Senshi and Tuxedo Jack on the white couches and chair. Needless to say, Hotaru is in Jack's lap. Duo and Ryoga are at the bar, while Ranma and Kodachi are mixing various drinks.) HARUKA: You think you're really gonna marry Hotaru? MICHIRU: He's a nice guy, Haruka. Give him a chance. HARUKA: *Snorts* It's Hotaru's call. After all, it's _her_ life she'll be spending with him. SETSUNA: You'd be surprised what we did while you two were at the palace. We beat Beryl again... well, Rini did, anyway... riffed four lemons... MICHIRU: Lemons? JACK: Sexual fanfics. You'd have hated them. HARUKA: Which ones? *Evil grin* JACK: Erm... "That's what a Tail's Good For", "Fit to Be Tied", "Lemon Wing", and "Quit Pining over Ifurita". Why'd you ask? HARUKA: Gotta download numbers two and four, but I've seen one and three. Heck, I think I still _have_ number one. JACK: *Sweatdrop* MICHIRU: Hey, it's nothing I haven't done. JACK: *Eyes bug out* HARUKA: Now you get the true meaning of "Space Sword Blaster". JACK: O_o''' *Facefault^10* SERENA: So, Rini, had fun here? RINI: Despite what you'd think, yeah, we did! AMY: We actually riffed some good fics and a whole crapload of bad ones. REI: Nani? You swore, Amy? AMY: Like I said, we've changed a little. Pluto and I got our super attacks - DARIEN: I thought you already had your super attacks. AMY: No, no, no. These are powerful ones that take divine-level powers. I have the Tidal Strike, and Setsuna can pull a Psionic Barrage. LITA: Damn! I'll bet you tore into those fics. RINI: Not exactly... but I did tear through Beryl. MINA: You took on Beryl? RINI: What'd you think that explosion about five months ago was? AMY: The Northern Lights? SERENA: So that was _you_! We were on the balcony, watching for stars... RANMA: So, Ryoga, how're things in Nerima? RYOGA: The usual. Akane's still crushing Kuno and Gosunkugi with mallets, Kasumi's still putting out the kitchen fires that Akane makes, and Nabiki's milking everyone dry with her demands. KODACHI: My brother was just on this satellite until the last fic! He could not be in Nerima! RYOGA: Oh, yeah... that was Mousse. Sorry. Oh, yeah, Ranma, Ukyou sent this along in case we did find you! *Hands him an okinomiyaki in a stasis field* RANMA: Oh, yeah! Haven't had one of these in a while! *Scarfs it down* Ah... great. Wait a sec... Mousse after Akane? He's crazy over Shampoo! DUO: I think that I can answer that... *Shampoo enters from the ship* SHAMPOO: Nihao, everybody! Shampoo here with Duo-husband to marry Hotaru! RANMA: Okay... INNER SENSHI AND DARIEN: (From couch) *Make various exclamations about the impending marriage, from "Cool!" to "What the F(BLEEP)CK?!?!?"* JACK: (Loud) How about we switch riffers for the next fic? I'd suggest myself, Rini, Hotaru, Darien, and Rei. DARIEN: Fine by me. REI: I'm in. JACK: Great! *Lights flash, klaxons blare, you know the drill* We've got PART TWO SIIIIIIGN!!! SERENA: What in Isis' name is going on? SETSUNA: Just go with the flow! (Door sequence 16.2) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: Safire Angel. She uses a henshin stick and morphs to Sailor Sugar. Door 4: Belldandy and Urd. Bell smiles at the nuptial pair, Urd grins lavisciously, and Skuld pops out of nowhere and smacks Urd with her hammer. Door 3: Mistress 9. She fades to nothingness. Door 2: A TV screen showing the fight versus Beryl. Darien and Rei ooh and aah, and then it explodes and you move on. Door 1: Hachi Machi. He flings his crap at you. Fortunately, nothing lands a hit, and you enter the theater. (SoS theater. Seating order: Darien, Rini, Hotaru, Jack, Rei.) REI: So what is it you do in here? JACK: Riff fanfics. They're usually pretty bad, so we make humorous comments to lighten the mood. RINI: One time, we tried to escape the Satellite by giving Beryl a holo-replicated Ginzuishou. DARIEN: Holographs? You've got that technology? HOTARU: Sure... don't you? DARIEN: We've been working on it for years! We only found the theories out before Amy left. JACK: Damn... Then this Satellite could hold technology beyond what you've ever seen! REI: And who _was_ that weirdo in the hallway? JACK: The one flinging feces at us? The monkey? *Rei nods* He's Hachi Machi, the author of "Poke-Sailors" and "Fit to be Tied". Those are two _weird-ass_ fics that we riffed back before we beat Beryl. REI: Okay. Just wondering. RINI: Shhh! The movie's starting! >From: Safira Angel REI: (Ayanami Rei) Target acquired. I will terminate it, sir. JACK: You know, Shinji Ikari and Misato were here a while ago. RINI: I miss them. >Hola, Bonjour, Greetings, Salutations, Aloha, Onyahasao, Yo, >Konnichiwa, and ALL: *Snore* >everything else. I'm baaaack! JACK: (Johnny Carson) Heeere's Safire! RINI: Hey naanny na, the bitch is back! DARIEN: RINI! RINI: Dad, relax! You've gotta do that to keep your sanity around here. >Did you miss me? JACK, HOTARU, AND RINI: Not a chance in hell! DARIEN: Are they really that bad? JACK: (Grimly) You'd be surprised. >Great! REI: *Facefault* An author who _likes_ being snubbed?!? >I missed you too! DARIEN: (Safire) Damn! I've got to reload! >Anyways here is a brand new fanfic specially for you. Enjoy! JACK: Coca-Cola. >Title: Code name: REI AND HOTARU: Heero Yuy. >L. U.N.A.T.I.C. RINI: Also known as a fanfic author. >Rini stared at the clock willing it to move. ALL: (Obi-Wan) Use the Force, Rini... >It did. It moved >backwards. HOTARU: Hell, that's moving. Just not in the direction she wants. >Then it got up and did the can-can with the chalkboard erasers >and a pair of tuba socks. ALL: *Facefault* RINI: Okay... Safire's smoking something. >Rini rolled Rini's eyes as Rini stared up at the really really >really really really really big chalkboard with the most difficlt problem >that Rini had ever seen. DARIEN: If Train A leaves Pittsburgh at 35 miles an hour at three P.M. and Train B leaves L.A. at four P.M. at 75 mph on the same track, when will they meet? >1 + 0 = ? . ALL: (Yelling) Ten! DUH! >Rini hit Rini's head on the desk >repeatedly until Rini passed out. Rini had a concussion. Rini died. JACK: (Nelson Muntz) Ha ha! DARIEN: Grr... REI: The author was repetitive. The author was annoying. The author writes completely insane fics that are perfect MSTing fodder. HOTARU: Maybe the author will hit the author's head against some pronouns soon. >Then the bell finally rang. ALL: (Screaming) NUCLEAR WAR!!!!!!! >Everyone raced out of the jail. DARIEN: Whoops! Wrong bell, meant to hit the one that launched the lemures missiles. JACK: (TV announcer) Seven inmates have escaped from the Texas prison system recently... >Oops, wrong bell. Another bell rang. All the kids ran out of the school >even Rini because she got all better. REI: *Holds up "Final Fantasy Magic for Dummies"* Plot Contrivance 3! And again! And again! X-MAGIC!!! JACK: You gotta have lots of MP for that. Nothing a few fics won't handle. >Suddenly Rini saw Setsuna racing down the street and singing at the >top of her lungs. Her lungs then fell out. RINI: And that night, Hannibal Lector had his first barbecue. >"THERE'S SOMETHING STUCK UP IN THE CHIMNEY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT >IS BUT IT'S BEEN THERE ALL NIGHT LOONG! WELL, I WAITED UP FOR SANTA ALL >CHRISTMAS NIGHT BUT HE NEVER CAME AND IT DON'T SEEM RIGHT!" HOTARU: Oh... my... God... >"Hi Pluto! Whatcha doing?" Rini yelled as she giggled. >"Hi, Reny! I'm sing." yelled Trista as she tried to run past the >funny looking girl so she could continue to sing. HOTARU: (Deep Voice) Dub versus sub: Which will reign supreme? >"Why?" JACK: (Setsuna) Because flying pigs are coming out of Drew Carey's butt. >"Because it's fun." >"Why?" >"Becuase I like to sing even though I'm really off key." >"Why?" DARIEN: Repetition, the most annoying repetitious repetition of a fanfic. >"Because I have nothing better to do." >"Why?" >"Because my life is boring." >"Why?" RINI: (Setsuna) Cause I don't get any and I haven't in two thousand years. SETSUNA: (Over P.A.) HEY! >"Because, I'm the quiet, dark, and myseterious chick and no one like >me." ALL: (Singing) Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms! Long thin slimy ones, short fat juicy ones.... >"Why?" JACK: So you'll SHUT UP!!! (Normal) Sorry. Snapped. >"Because they think I am stuck up which I am so I need to amuse >myself." ALL: O_O DARIEN: She's... _STUCK_ _UP_?!? REI: One of the Senshi's a hermaphrodite?!? RINI: THIS IS OSCAR'S FAULT!!! JACK: And just how would she "amuse" herself? >"Okay love you bye bye!" >With that Trista continued singing. "THERE'S SOMETHING STUCK UP IN >THE CHIMNEY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS BUT IT'S BEEN THERE ALL WEEK LOONG! >WELL, DOG KEEPS BARKING UP THE CHIMNEY FLUE AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE >GONNA DO. CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE CHIMNEY AND IT DOESN'T MOVE AROUND >AND IT'S BEEN A WEEK SINCE CHRISTMAS." REI: Here's what you can do. SHUT THE F(BLEEP)CK UP!!! >Sitsuma then tripped and fell down a very very very very very long >flight of stairs. She got up and contined singing. HOTARU: Even though she died from the fall, she still gets up to sing. That, ladies and gentlemen, is one dedicated employee of the fanfiction system! >"THERE'S SOMETHING STUCK UP IN THE CHIMNEY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT >IS BUT IT'S BEEN THERE ALL MONTH LONG! WELL, IT'S JAMMED UP TIGHT ABOVE THE >FIREPLACE NOW THE HOUSE SMELLS FUNNY, SUCH A BIG DISGRACE! THAT THERE'S >SOMETHING IN THE CHIMNEY AND IT DOESN'T TALK AT ALL AND IT'S BEEN A WEEK >SINCE LAST CHRISTMAS." JACK: (Singing) OH, THIS IS ANNOYING, AND THE AUTHOR HAS THE CAPS LOCK KEY STUCK ON, AND THE SENTENCES ARE RUN-ON, AND MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE, AND - *Head explodes, flinging cherry-filled donuts everywhere. Needless to say, it reassembles.* RINI: Hey! Donuts! HOTARU: And they're cherry-filled! DARIEN AND REI: *Facefault* >"Hehehe, Poo RINI: One "Mr. Hankey" joke here and I kill you all. >funny." Rini thought as she skipped down the street. She >wanted to work with Hotaru on the new positions they learned together. Rini >thought happily as she held her "K.S." book. ALL: O_O RINI: WHAT?!?!?!?!? HOTARU: My Kama Sutra!!! JACK: I never knew you had that! HOTARU: Neither did I. DARIEN: So help me God, if this turns into "Chibi-Usa's Seventh Birthday"... *Cracks knuckles* >Everyone else was gonna be DARIEN: Committing suicide. >there but maybe they'd join in too. JACK: Rini, you might want to cover your eyes here. RINI: I've seen the lemons. I can take it. JACK: Don't say I didn't warn you. >She was gonna meet everyone else at >Raye's sister's uncle's aunt's father's brother's step-brother twice >removed's mother's daughter's best friend's house, DARIEN: (Dark Helmet) I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. JACK: (Lone Starr) And that makes us... DARIEN: (Dark Helmet) Absolutely nothing! >also known as her house. HOTARU: (Announcer) Meanwhile, Ness and his Untouchables speed towards Capone's hideout! >******. >Hi Everyone!" shouted Rini as she jumped up and down like a hyper >cocker spaniel. RINI: At least I'm not portrayed as a _horny_ cocker spaniel. REI: At least, not yet... >Everyone just ignored the annoying pink girl. "Hey Hotaru! >Wanna do the new positions together?" >"Here? But aren't there a little to many people to do it here?" >Hotaru said as she threw spit balls at Venus. REI: Unfortunately, the distance was so great, she missed and hit the center point in between them - me. DARIEN: Yeah, you were picking spitballs out of your hair for a week. >Just then Tux came. JACK: Lemon alert! *Imitates klaxon* >"Hey girls. Whoa! Just what are you doing with a >KS book?! Do you actually read that thing?" HOTARU: Actually, the Kama Sutra is quite interesting as a literary piece. JACK: You're joking. HOTARU: Well, duh. >"No, actually we only look at the pictures. It gives us some great >ideas." Hotaru said grin on her face. "Wanna help us? Rini is still rather >stiff." RINI: That's implying that I'm a hermaphrodite! Geez, OSCAR'S EVERYWHERE!!! >"Okay. What a minute, what about the others?" DARIEN: I don't believe this! >"So what. Maybe they'll join in! Come on!" the pink one said as she >grabbed Rini JACK: Seems the last fic's still in effect around here. HOTARU: *Sigh* Not again... *Clothes, hair, and eyes change back to their first fic appearances - including vomit* RINI: GROSS!!! >and they raced off only to reappear again. They didn't have >their school uniforms on anymore. REI: *Eyes bulge* DARIEN: *Covers eyes* Not gonna look, not gonna look... HOTARU: Oh... my... God... *Clothes change to a fuku... and then vanish* AAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! RINI: Oh, S(BLEEP)IT! *Clothes change to a fuku and then vanish* JACK: *Twin gusher of a nosebleed* Here! *Throws them each a Hammerspace blanket* Wrap up in these! >"I feel little funny about doing this here. I'm not an expert or >anything." Hotaru said as she glanced around the room and the people who >were gawking at them. JACK: I do hope that I'm not in this one. >"Don't be wimp! Come on! Besides Tuxeto will help!" REI: WHAT?!?!? DARIEN: SAFIRE!!! >The girls got into position and slowly began to move as Tux watched. DARIEN: So I'm Ataru Moroboshi now? >It wasn't until Hotaru glanced at Rini that she realized that the girl was >doing it wrong. >"No no no no! you are doing it all wrong. REI: Hotaru Tomoe: mistress of the obvious. HOTARU: Shut up and get me some clothes! >Tux! Can you help us? Rini >is so tight!" RINI: Yeah, I'm like a freakin' vise. >"Sure, I'll help." Carefully he moved her leg. "I don't think you two >are ready for this though." DARIEN: Damn right! JACK: You've never riffed lemons, have you? DARIEN: No, why? JACK: Well... let your wife tell you about "Fit to Be Tied" and her time with Lion-O. DARIEN: WHAT!?!?!? >"Ha! Of course they are ready! I've done that since I was 8!" Ami >said as she walked in. ALL: O_O >"YOU HAVE?!" HOTARU: My sentiments exactly! >"Yeah, I just don't like to bring it up. Anyway, Rini you need to >lean back more or you'll just hurt your back." Ami said as she readjusted >the girl. REI: Amy Mizuno, the chiropractor. >"Hey, that feels better, Thanks Ami!" Rini giddly said. "It still >feels weird though." MICHIRU: (Over P.A.) Hey, yuri scenes always do until you get used to them. >"Will, you stop talking so we can get into the next postion! I don't >wanna be here all day!" Hotaru growled. She was getting sick of stopping >every five seconds. JACK: So you don't have any control, huh, Rini? RINI: SHUT UP!!! *THWAP THWAP THWAP* >"And move your head!" HOTARU: Yeah, I wanna drink my beer! >"Well, I don't call myself an expert for nothing." Amy said with a >smirk. DARIEN: (Amy) Nope, the title cost me a buck-fifty and a cup of coffee. >"Wow, Isn't a little embarassing though?" Rini thought as she moved >her arm. HOTARU: Only if you suck at it. JACK: *Snicker snicker* HOTARU: Great. I'm making the hentai even more hentai! >"Not at all especially if you have had as much practice as I have." JACK: Can anyone here say "California Dreaming"? REI: Or perhaps "9-Ball Dreams"? >"Oh! Look Huruka!" Michiru cried out as she pointed at the two >younger girls in odd positions. "Remember when we used to do that?" HARUKA: (Over P.A.) We still do, you know. MICHIRU: (Over P.A.) Up for another round? HARUKA: (Over P.A.) Always! >"We still do Michelle." Haruka said as the two walked away. RINI: Sparing themselves from the horror of participating in this fic. >"This isn't working! All I am feeling is pain!" Rini said gritting >her teeth. JACK: Maybe we should write Granny Hao into this fic. HOTARU: Minnie May would like that. >"Hmm, perhaps that position is a little too far advanced for you two. >Perhaps if you switch positions before you get more flexible, it'll be >easier. Also try to relax a little. This is supposed to be fun." Amy >declared. DARIEN: (TV Announcer) The Declaration of Yuri-ism's primary author was Amy Mizuno. >"Over 151 positions and I can only do 10." Rini sighed. RINI: (Singing) Gotta do them all, gotta do 'em all! ALL: POSITIONS! JACK: That sounded so wrong. DARIEN: Of course, you could have used a Gameshark like I did. >"Don't worry, it takes time to become an expert." HOTARU: (Amy) Yeah! Twenty minutes on High should do it! >Just then, Setsuna walked in. JACK: And blew them all to hell, thus ending the fic. >She noticed what the two girls were >doing and was very shocked. REI: Oh, man, you're in for it now... >"No No NO NO! You are doing everything wrong! ALL: *Facefault* >Let Rei and I show you REI: But... we... never had a lesbian affair! DARIEN: You never told us the name of your latest boyfriend. Is it stil Yuuichirou? REI: Nope... it's Taichi. JACK: FRICKIN' CROSSOVERS! *Head explodes, flinging chibi-Deeledits everywhere. It doesn't reassemble...* HOTARU: What gives? Why isn't his head reassembling? DARIEN: Must be some kind of reaction delay. How many times has it exploded today? HOTARU: Three times. JACK: *Head reassembles* Yep, it takes longer if I have blinding pain to consider. HOTARU: Don't _do_ that! *THWAP* >haw to do it right." She said as she dragged Ray over. JACK: So now my godfather's being dragged into this? REI: I'M NOT A MAN!!! *THWAP!!!* MAGIC VOICE: I think that he meant my godfather in the other dimension. >"Do you really thik I am ready for this? We haven't had as much >practice!" Rei said worridly. >"Don't worry just follow my lead." RINI: (Setsuna) Let's tango! HOTARU: (Setsuna) We're gonna moonwalk! >The two women disappeared and later came back with a buddle of >clothes in their arms and dropped them to the floor. REI: S(BLEEP)IT!!! *Clothes disappear. Jack throws her a blanket to cover up with.* DARIEN: *Nosebleed* Gread, two drop-dead gorgeous women and me wid a frickin' nodebleed. HOTARU: Ironically, both of them were ones you dated. REI: WHAT?!?!? JACK: You went after _Setsuna_?!? DARIEN: Back id the Silber Milleniub... RINI: Holy crap! >"That's better. Just >watch us girls." ALL WOMEN: (Singing) Girls just wanna have fun, oh, girls just wanna have fun... >Soon Rei and Sesuna were in many different positions very slowly >which made a pretzel look like a toothpick. Everyone just stared at them. ALL BUT REI: *Stare at Rei* REI: Damn anti-fic device... >"Oh wow." REI: (Stoned) That some groovy s(BLEEP)it, man! >"And that was the proper way to do the positions." RINI: (Kasumi) That's just not proper! >Setsuna said >without a trace of being tired. She actually appeare more energized than >before. JACK: Setsuna Meiou: The new Energizer Playboy bunny. >"Wow! That was amazing!" Hotaru and Rini choursed. >"You girls just need to practice and you can be just as good as us in >Yoga. HOTARU: Wha...? Yoga? DARIEN: *Nosebleed stops* This isn't lesbian sex? >By the way, what are doing with a KS book?" DARIEN: (Rini) Erm... nothing! >"Um, uh..." Rini stuttered as she lost her footing and fell. "Ow!'" >Slowly she got back up and dusted off the satin pants to her Yoga uniform. RINI: Oh, thank Kami-sama! *Clothes change to a yoga uniform* JACK: Then gimme that blanket back so I can store it in Hammerspace. >Hotaru glared at her. HOTARU: Hotaru used GLARE! REI: Wha... RINI: Enemy Rini's paralyzed! Maybe it can't attack! DARIEN: The f(BLEEP)ck? JACK: Pokemon riffs. You've never heard of it? REI AND DARIEN: Nope. JACK: Man, the technology in Crystal Tokyo must be way behind the stuff we've got here. >"Why, must I have a klutz for a partner." she mumbled under her >breath as she adjusted a purple satin sleeve while standing in tree >stance. HOTARU: *Clothes change to the yoga uniform* JACK: *Drools* RINI: (Hotaru as Will Shatner) Limes... the final frontier. These _are_ the voyages of the Senshi _Hotaru_. >"I really don't think 'Kawaii Special' is the right book for you >two." Amy said of the teen book based off of the magazine on pop singers. ALL: (Singing) Hallelujah! Hallelujah! JACK: Waaaaait a minute... >"We just like the pictures of the guys!" The two girls said in unsion >not really wanting to mention that they wanted to start a girl band to the >others. REI: So? There are hundreds of good girl bands out there. JACK: Name one. REI: The Dixie Chicks. JACK: Aren't they dead? REI: Cryogenic freezing. JACK: Damn. Well, their heads are wide open spaces. >Suddenly the room fell quiet. >"I'm Board." Lita whined. DARIEN: Pine, oak, or elm? >"Hey, I have an idea! Let's sing songs!" Mina said as she bounced up >and down. HOTARU: Barney the Dinosaur _is_ Mina. >"Good idea! I know a great one!" JACK: (Singing) I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves... I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves... ALL: SHUT UP! JACK: Good! It's working! >Amy excitedly said and then she >began to sing, DARIEN: (Singing) I love you... you love me... we're a happy... ALL OTHERS: SHUT UP!!! *Attack Darien* DARIEN: Ow! Okay! *CRUNCH* OKAY!!! >"THE RESTROOM DOOR SAID, 'GENTLEMEN' SO I JUST WALKED INSIDE. >I TOOK TWO STEPS THEN REALIZED I'VE BEEN TAKEN FOR A RIDE. I HEARD HIGH >VOICES TURNED AND FOUND THE PLACE WAS OCCUPIED. BY TWO NUNS, THREE OLD >LADIES, AND NURSE, WHAT COULD BE WORSE? THEN TWO NUNS THREE OLD LADIES, AND >NURSE!" REI: How about five lesbians, eight schoolboys, and an atomic bomb? >"Wow! what a great song!" Hotaru said giddly as she drank a huge >glass of milk. HOTARU: Milk. It does a Senshi good. >Glad you like. I wrote it myself." Amy grinned. RINI: Then maybe she's got a future as a writer for the Grateful Dead. >" I Wanna Sing! I wanna sing!" Uranus cried out as she pouted wearing >a .50 sweater she bought at Goodwill for a penny. DARIEN: So that's a... *Mentally calculates* 4900 percent discount! >Quit being a brat Urnaus!" Jupiter said as threw a wet noodle at her. JACK: I shall smite thee with mine noodle of doom! >"You people are so annoying! can't you see that I am studying on how >to perfect my lecture on the fundamentals of molecular biology!" Serena >shouted as she looked annoyed. ALL: O_o DARIEN: (Deadpan) I don't think so. >Tux pranced around with cheese on his head annoucing that. "The >cheese wears me, I don't wear the cheese!" DARIEN: O_o JACK: That poor cheese has something growing on his ass! DARIEN: -_-''' >Mars sat in the corner. She was bad. She said hi to Neptune and had >to be punished. REI: I don't like being punished... (sultry) Much... JACK: That reminds me, Rei... Molly told me about the box of leather and whips in your closet. Still have them? *Evil grin* REI: *Facefault* >Michiru sat on the floor poking herself with a sharp stick. >"Ow....ow....ow....ow....ow....ow....ow....ow...ow...." >Saturn sat on the roof painting her nails neon green. HOTARU: So I'm a neon sign now? >Bob throw a book at her and she feel down. MAGIC VOICE: Windows 95 sure did have some interesting features that were cut! >Suddenly a shot rang out. RINI: The maid screamed. JACK: A door slammed. HOTARU: We did this joke to death. >No one noticed, even when Mokoto dropped to >the ground dead. They just stepped over her body when they >started the line dance. ALL SENSHI: *Scream* DARIEN: The Senshi have officially gone country! >Then another shot went off. "Hey! watch it! I was putting on liquid >eyeliner!" Rei said angrly. REI: Yeah, and it's highly flammable! JACK: Bombs... hmm... *Dream State* >"Huh? Where is all that shooting coming from? Alright! who left the >$13.99 TV availible at at Circut City on?!" Ami said as she looked at the >girls on the one guy in the room. HOTARU, RINI, AND REI: *Jump on Jack* JACK: Erm... not that I mind this, it's just that my BODY CAN'T HOLD THREE WOMEN UP!!! DARIEN: *Bursts out laughing* >Everyone turned to Pluto. RINI: The Pluto Channel, home to Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000. MAGIC VOICE: FOURTH WA... oh, screw it. It's a joyous occasion! I shouldn't be punishing you! Maybe I'll even show up in the theater later... >"What?! I turned it off after I was finished watching Telletubbies, >Martha Stewart, and Barney." Setuna shrugged. JACK: Ah, the "Dumbass" block of programming on PBS. >"Okay, then where is that coming?" Netune said as he everyone looked >around as they obliviuosly step around Jupiter's body. REI: Great... more hermaphroditism. DARIEN: I do not like that in a fanfic. JACK: Then don't read "Artemis' Lover". >"Hey look on the roof!" MEN: Look, up in the sky! WOMEN: It's a bird! MEN: It's a plane! WOMEN: It's... it's... ALL: A crappy fanfic! *Cheer wildly* REI: Waaaaait a minute... >Venus said before she was shot to the head. >"Ow! Damnit! that hurt!" >"What are we gonna do?!" Hotaru said worriedly. HOTARU: How about I get the fanfic to stop? DEATH REBORN REVOLUT - OTHERS: *Scream* HOTARU: Just kidding! ^_^ >"I know! Let's climb the roof and see who is up there!" Ami said as >everyone but Usagi agreed who was making corrections to her text book. >"I'm hungry." Tazedo said as he started to eat his $2000.00 cape >availabile only at Sears. DARIEN: And then how about Hammerspace? >The others made their way to the really really really really really >really really high roof that was 2 feet from the ground. REI: Limbo lovers rejoice! The house of your dreams is here! >"Aww, Look. Luna and Artimis are playing with a really big gun! Isn't >that adorable?!" Michelle said as she pointed out the two pussy cats. ALL: *Facefault* JACK: I prefer Ranma with an AK-47 or Nav with a shotgun to Luna and Artemis being heavily armed. >"Awww, that is so cute. Damnit! Where the hell did I put my camera!" RINI: (Amy) I turned it in to the authorities when I found out it had those illegal photos on it! >Ami siad as she slapped her forehead knocking herself unconcious. >"Loona, They're HEEEEEERRRRRRRREEE." Aritis said of Amiy, Michchi, DARIEN: And there's Bulma! >Ray, Mokoko, Minaiac, Hukamatata, ALL: (Singing) Haruka matata, what a wonderful phrase, haruka matata, ain't no passin' craze... >Sittuna, Reeknee, and Hootater. >"So, what are you guys doing?" Setsuna saked as she stared at the two >cats. JACK: We're trying to kill you. ALL OTHERS: Oh, ok! >"We're trying to kill all of you." Artimis said matter of factly. >"Oh." everyone said. >Then, they shout Venus and Mars. >"Gee, do you suppose Men are from Venus and Women are from Mars?" >Luna asked. HOTARU: Perhaps Haruka's from Mars and the Japanese Zoisite's from Venus... "Who are you?" Rini asked as she stared at the cats. ALL: (Yelling a la Adam Sandler) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, _WHO ARE YOU_?!?!?!?!?!? >"Code Name: L.U.N.A.T.I.C. Lethal, Undercover, National, Assasin, >Target Interlocking Cat." Luna said, With my accomplice, Artimis, who lead >me to you, I can kill you all and finally get that vacation in Fugi that I >have dreamed about." REI: Hell, you could just use the frickin' Holodeck. JACK: I thought you didn't have holotech in Crystal Tokyo. REI: I was referring to the one here. JACK: Ah. >"Hey, Wait a minute...... That's my gun!" Hotaru said hotly as she >raced towards the cats. RINI: Ladies and gentlemen, the most coherent sentence in the fanfic! *All applaud* >Unfortunately all fell off the roof. >Hotaru then grabbed the baseball bat and started pounding on the >cats. REI: Another coherent sentence... methinks that she's learning grammar. >"You *pow* Damn *pow* Cats! *pow* That. *pow* Is. *pow* My. *pow* >Damn. *pow* Gun. *pow* Not. *pow* Your. *pow Damn. *pow* Gun!" ALL: Never mind! >Unfortunately, Hotaru didn't realize that she was beating them with a >wet noodle so there was no massacre of dead kitty parts. Only a pair of >ticked off felines. DARIEN: Then they'd better get a flea dip! >On sale for $10.99 at Acme, Asassination Cats Military >Educators. >So she staked them and they went poof. >"Damn cats..." Hotaru said as she swept up the kitty ashes and dumped >then in Serena's hair who was too involved in rewriting her Philosohy text >book. SERENA: (Over P.A.) AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!! MY HAIR!!!! HOTARU: Whoops... *Sweatdrop* JACK: Damn plot contrivance fields... >"I can't believe how many errors there are in this thing!" Usagi >shouted. RINI: (Intellectual) There are exactly three million, two hundred seventy- three thousand, four hundred and six errors. >"Everyone shrugged and jumped off the highly high roof and went >splat. ALL: *Make splatting noises* >Of course they cam back to life again, so they decided for fun they'd >rob a convience store for a bunch of round assorted colored foil wrapped >chocolates. JACK: Rolos! RINI: *Shakes head* Nope. I say York Peppermint Patties. REI: You're both wrong! Easter candy balls. >Done now. DARIEN: High f(BLEEP)ckin' time! >Hope you liked my newest story! JACK: *Hefts bomb* Oh, we did... *Evil grin* >This was a really really really really >really really really really really really really really really >really really HOTARU: Anyone get the idea that Safire wants to emphasize something here? >really really really really really really really >really really really really >really really really really really really really really really >really really really really really really really really really >really really really really really really really really really ALL BUT REI: *Snoring and are asleep* >really really really really really really really really really >really really really really really really really really really >really really REI: Hee hee hee... *Inflates and pops a paper bag. The others wake up* JACK: I've been shot! HOTARU: Where's the popcorn? RINI: Get that vibrator away from me!!! ALL OTHERS: *Stare at Rini* RINI: What? >Fun Story to write and I'll promise you that RINI: (Safire) I'll never write again! >there'll be more too come! And remember, Ducks can wear pink underwear >too! DARIEN: Somehow, I can see Mousse in pink thongs. >Sailor Sugar says! Hehe! REI: That was god-awful. Let's get outta here. *All exit* (Reverse door sequence) (SoS holodeck. The riffers and guests are sitting at an oak dinner table in a holo-replicated restaurant setting. Jack and Hotaru are at the head of it, with Haruka, Michiru, Rei, Amy, and Mina on one side, Serena and Darien on the other end, and Ranma, Kodachi, Shampoo, Duo, and Nephrite on the other side. All are engaged in conversation. Oh, yes... I forgot Lita. She's currently off, cooking a special dessert...) MINA: So, Hotaru, when'd you two meet? HOTARU: When I first beamed on to the Satellite, Rini and I landed on top of him... and after the third fic, which Rini, Jack, and I riffed, something started for me. REI: And it wasn't indigestion? HOTARU: -_-' NEPHRITE: (To Kodachi) Perhaps I did good for them. I did bring three couples together, and possibly I might aid them... KODACHI: (To Nephrite) Do not worry. You have redeemed yourself since your arrival upon this satellite. DUO: (To Jack) What time do you want the wedding to start tomorrow? JACK: (To Duo) How about noon sharp, ship's time? SHAMPOO: Good. Shampoo have time to give Duo-husband lesson in bonbori fighting. DUO: Trust me, Shampoo, I'm looking forward to that. SERENA: (Whispering to Darien) Did you rig that replicator thing correctly? DARIEN: (Whispering to Serena) Don't worry. I took care of it. In one hour, this place will split into two sections with soundproof walls. Damn, but Beryl put effort into this place. (Black Moon UFO) RUBEUS: *Beats on a door* Let me out! LET ME OUT!!! I can't breathe!!! *Fires a ki blast and gasps in air after it razes the door* Lock me in that closet... FRICKIN' EMERALD!!! *Notices the Hexscreen lit up and running* We-heh-hell, seems we've got new guests! And they're planning a bachelor party! And a party for the bride, too... let's just see what I can't do to screw with the first one! I think I'll get Sapphire to mess with the bachelorette party. *Slaps buttons and laughs maniacally* (SoS holodeck, 57 minutes later) DARIEN: (Yelling) Would all the men please come here? SERENA: (Yelling) And all the women over here? HARUKA: (To Michiru) I'm going with the guys. MICHIRU: Aww... *Pouts sexily. The sexes segregate, and instantly a wall springs up in the middle of the room. The two sections then decorate themselves into suitable bachelor and bachelorette party scenes...* (Men's side. The beer is flowing freely, as is the other liquor, and Darien and Duo are egging Jack to try to drink eight kegs of beer.) JACK: (Somewhat drunkenly) You'd have to get me down to sickbay in time... DARIEN: (Totally drunk) Sho? I've gotta get down there myshelf... NEPHRITE: (Sober) Guys, you're wasted. Take these. *Holds out two pills. Jack and Darien both take one pill...* JACK: (Sober) Whoa, what a rush! DARIEN: *Snaps out of his drunken state* Man, now I can drink all the alcohol I want tonight! DUO: Well... these pills _do_ neutralize the alcohol in your system, but... NEPHRITE: They only last for a few hours. You'll still wake up with a colossal hangover tomorrow morning. RANMA: Not if I can help it! *Whips out recipe card* I bought this stuff off Nabiki. It's "Happosai's Near-Instant Hangover Cure". It'll give you extremem pain for a few seconds, and then kill the hangover! ALL OTHERS: We'll take some! DARIEN: And now the main course... *Pops a tape in the VCR and pulls up chairs for all men* "Debbie does Tokyo"! *Something... not porno... is projected on the TV* JACK: The hell? RANMA: That isn't... NEPHRITE: Aw, CRAP! DARIEN: A _FIC_?!?!?! JACK: We've got FANFIC SIIIIIGN!!!!! HARUKA: Man, I wish I'd gone with the women! (Bachelor Party Door Sequence) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: Sailor Sugar. She strikes a Sailor Moon-ish "punish you!" pose. Door 4: Anna Nicole Smith. You trek through her Silicon Valley and continue. Door 3: The UPS Rapidash. It warps away from the SoS at top speed. Door 2: Richard from "Caroline in the City". His acidic voice melts the wall. Door 1: Bill Gates. He throws hundreds of pennies at you. Fortunately, you make it through with a minimum of bruises. (Bachelor party in the Holodeck. Riffer seating order: Darien, Ranma, Jack, Duo, Ryoga, Haruka, and Nephrite.) NEPHRITE: Who _got_ this tape, anyway? DUO: I did, but it was porn when I got it, I swear! JACK: Shut up. The Black Moon must have gotten to it somehow. HARUKA: The Black Moon... gotta hate them. >From Safira Angel JACK AND DARIEN: _Her_ again?!?!? >Hiddie Ho! ALL: (Singing) Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo... >I have returned with a super fun new fanfic just for you! JACK: Oh, that the rest of the universe would suffer this torture too... >Hope you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it! NEPHRITE: *Holds out pillbox* Anyone want some Prozac? >Title: Power Drain DUO: (Scotty) Captain, I checked the power conduits.. they're dead. >The senshi fishied fighting a battle with the newest villian, JACK: Here, fishie, fishie, fishie... I want some nice salmon for dinner... NEPHRITE: Sailor Sisqo! DUO: *Snorts* RANMA: Tuxedo Happosai! RYOGA: What about me? I haven't had a line since the second host segment! MAGIC VOICE: Shut up with the Fourth Wall or I'll frickin' kill you all! >Ballarinabobo when suddenly a bright light got out of >he sky and shone the super girls and the one guy. In a flash on >the eye it was gone....and so were their fukus. RANMA AND JACK: *Eyes bug out* HARUKA: Whadda ya know? Porn after all! DUO: I don't think so! >Standing there in clothes they wore before they transformed they >stared at each other. JACK AND RANMA: Crap! DUO: Told you so. JACK AND RANMA: Bite me. >"What the hell just happened?" Rei yelled as she glanced at the >others. RYOGA: You beat the youma, a bright light shone upon you, and you detransformed. As if it weren't painfully obvious enough. >"We were fighting and a bright light came and shone on us then >disappeared leaving us standing in our normal clothes." Amy said >stating the obviuos. ALL: Oh. *Smile and nod time* >"Oh." everyone else said nodding their heads. MAGIC VOICE: Well, at least the only one of you six is in this fic... I think. DUO: Wha... MAGIC VOICE: Don't worry. Duo-kun, you're gonna make a cameo in the other fic anyway... >"So uh, what do we do now? NEPHRITE: How about commit suicide? JACK: Won't that be fun, kids? >There's still the wablo attacking people >but we seem to have lost our powers." Makoto said. JACK: (Makoto) Powers? Oh, Powers, where are you? RANMA: (Austin Powers) Right here, baby! Shagadelic! >Shrugging Setsuna said, "well, lets go home." >So they did go home as the Wablo ate half of Tokyo. RANMA: And then the wablo promptly died of food poisoning. >The next day, Usuagi's communitcator went off. RYOGA: The deep end. >It went "BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP." ALL: *Imitate beeping sound* HARUKA: And the bomb inside promptly exploded, killing Usagi, Shingo, and their family. The end. >She just rolled over and went back to sleep. >Then Rini came in her room and hit her overthe head with a mallet. RANMA AND RYOGA: (Rini as Akane) Usagi... no.... BAKA!!!!!! >But Serena stayed sleeping. >So Rini instead hit her repeatedly over the head with a mallet. RANMA: (Rini as Akane) BAKA!!!!! *Hits Ryoga with a Hammerspace mallet about ten times. Ryoga reciprocates* >Usagi just rolled over and sucked DARIEN: A lemon? Now? Damn, I thought that I wasn't in this one! >her thumb. DARIEN: Oh, uh, never mind. NEPHRITE: I'm not going to ask. >The little pink girl was getting rather ticked off so left the room >and got a frying pan, then continued to beat the blonde over the head with >the cooking utensil. JACK: Let's see... who's blonde here... nope. Damn. I wanted some senseless violence. MAGIC VOICE: Happy to oblige! *Jadeite appears in the theater. All the riffers find frying pans in their hands. They then beat the s(BLEEP)it out of Jadeite. He then disappears* >Serena started to snore louder. >So Serena junior finally slammed Serena NEPHRITE: (Serena as Dr. Evil) I shall call her... Mini-me. >over hte head with a pillow, RANMA: And she finally woke up. >and she woke up. RANMA: Can I call 'em, or can I call 'em? >"Huh? Rini, why did you wake me up?" DARIEN: (Sultry) Cause I wanna have hot, passionate sex in that hot tub downstairs... and clothing is optional. ALL OTHERS: *Stare at Darien* DARIEN: What? Your sex doesn't involve clothing and wet t-shirts? OTHERS: *Stare silently* DARIEN: I guess not. >"Because Raye wants us to have a meeting on why we lost our powers!" >Rini yelled. >"Okay." Usagi mummered as she went back to sleep. >"SERENA WAKE THE HELL UP! IT'S FIVE O"CLOCK IN TEH FREKING >AFTERNOON!" RIni said as she grabbed the other girl by the hair and dragged >her to the bathroom. JACK: To get her ready to go to that bar that C.B. and Alexa had mentioned. NEPHRITE: No "Forbidden" flashbacks! >***** RYOGA: The Lemond Fanfics Association isn't giving this place five stars. Three, at best. >"Okay, so how the hell did we lose our powers and what are we >gonna do about them?" Rei asked getting annoyed that everyone was falling HARUKA: Over due to the high amount of pot that they had smoked. >asleep. It wasn't until Amy started drooling on her that Rei screamed RANMA: (Rei) NUCLEAR WAR!!! JACK: (Rei) WOLF!!! NEPHRITE: *Cracks up* >"WAKE UP!" >That jarred everyone awake. DUO: And Rei began to preserve them in jars labeled with each of their names. >"So, what are we gonna do?" JACK: Do the hustle! *All riffers do the hustle for a few seconds* >"Um, we could improvise I guess." Minako said HARUKA: Welcome to "Whose Line Is It, Anyway" starring the Senshi as cast and Drew Carey as host! DUO: (Drew Carey) The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. Yep, the points don't matter, just like the size of my MMMPH! NEPHRITE: *Removes hand from Duo's mouth* Don't even think about it. >"And how do we do that?" Haruka asked as she stared at the blonde. HARUKA: *Stares at screen* DARIEN: I _hate_ it when we're written into these things! >"I donno." >"But we need to come up with something fast because I saw another >whatchamacalit on my way over here!" Hotaru said. NEPHRITE: Mmm... chocolate... RYOGA: I haven't seen a "Whatchamacallit" bar in about seven years! >"Where was it?" Michiru asked. >"I don't remember." >"Why don't we try to make our own fukus?" Setsuna brought up. >"Great idea!" everyone agreed. RANMA: Yeah, right. Try your hand at the sewing machine. JACK: And pray to God that it don't get caught. >"HAHAHA! All I have to do is go to tuxedo rental place and rent one! >You girls have to make your own!" Tuxedo sang gleefully as he danced >around the room. DARIEN: Stripping and smearing chocolate syrup all over himself. >"AH GO BITE ME!" the girls said as they rolled their eyes. HARUKA: Lita _is_ Mimi Bobek. >"So everyone meet back here in an hour and we'll figure out how to >improvise with our powers." JACK: Yep, this is "Whose Line is it Anyway?" >****** >So they did. RYOGA: (British guy with a really squeaky voice) And they did go forth, and they did improvise their powers, and they did battle the youmas, and they did have lesbian orgies... *THWAP* HARUKA: Mmm... orgies... *CRUNCH* NEPHRITE: Lay off the hentai. This may be a bachelor party, but I've got my limits. >Each girl found a skirt a and cut it up the appropriate >short legnth. RANMA: (Intellectual) Exactly six inches above the knee. >Then found a top sewd/glued bows on both and the right shoes >and gloves before setting off to Raye's. DUO: And believe me, it's a bitch to match gloves and shoes. >****** >"So did everyone make their own costume?" Setsuna asked. DARIEN: (Usagi) Yep! I'm coming as a ghost! >Everyone nodded their heads. >Good. While you all did that, I came up with new powers for everyone. JACK: (Magic Voice) FOURTH WALL BREACH! *Chugs beer* FOURTH WALL... *hiccup* BREA... *THUD* *Collapses to floor, unconscious* HARUKA: Strike one. MAGIC VOICE: Stupid moron... imitating me... he's gonna pay. >So hurry and get changed and we'll go battle evil together before dinner >time. NEPHRITE: She's gonna be sued off her ass. RYOGA: (Blossom) Dammit, that villain's stolen our slogan! What're we gonna do, girls? RANMA: (Bubbles) We're gonna beat the crap out of her! HARUKA: (Buttercup) And then we're gonna take eighty percent of the royalties! >****** >So they all got changed and went racing the usual park wherethe >goombas usually attack, with a few problems of course. HARUKA: So now we're crossing over into Super Mario Brothers? ALL: *Hum the SMB theme* >****** >"Mars! Why the hell do you have to wear high heels anyways?" Jupiter >yelled as the girl feel flat on her face for the uptenth time. RANMA: (Rei) Because I have fetishes involving whips, chains, my high heels, a bottle of honey, and Yuuichirou! *THWAP* NEPHRITE: Stop. NOW. >"Not my fault I have to have these dame heels with my costume!" RYOGA: What, are there chump heels too? >"Will you two shut up!" Amy said as she skirt suddenly blew up. RANMA AND NEPHRITE: O_O HARUKA: Ah, nothing I haven't seen before. RYOGA: Marilyn Monroe _is_ Amy Mizuno. >"Um Amy, you forgot your bloomers again." Venus said as she pointed >out Mercury's Power Ranger underwear. ALL: (Singing) Go, go, Power Senshi! >"DAMNIT!" HARUKA: (Jeff Goldblum) Good word usage, but it lacks something. >"Okay, shut up everyone!" You all know how to use your new powers ?" >Everyone nodded. >"Good now lets go get em! Sailor Moon you're on!" Uranus said. DARIEN: Let's see... I want a Sailor Moon on rye with honey and mayo. >"I am the terror that flaps in the night!" ALL: DARKWIIING DUCK! >"Serena! You idoit! Wrong phrase!" RANMA: Hitoshi? You're here too? >"Oh right!" Sailor Moon nodded as the villan stared at her in her >poorly cut skirt with the bows falling off. "Um, what is the damn line >again? Ah shit! I forgot!" RYOGA: (Captain Mauser) I got no short-term memory. Where's my short-term memory? >Sailor Moon began pacing trying to remember her line. "Is it Yo! how >goes there!?' No.... um, 'Freeze evil doers!' That sounds wrong...... um, >'Hello big boy!' Nope.... it's a girl... HARUKA: You sure? Some of these youma... we're not sure either way. >'Did someone order cake!' Nope that was my summer job.... 'You're rubber >I'm glue'....nope.... 'Thunder Cat HOOO' JACK: *Wakes up* AUUUUUGH!!! IT'S FIT TO BE TIED!!! IT'S _BACK_!!!! HARUKA: Oh, good. You're awake. Now it's my turn to pass out. *Goes to sleep* RYOGA: I'm gonna follow her example. *Passes out* >eek. ...... 'We're the Power puff girls!' nuh ah, 'FREEZE! YOU"RE >Under Arrest!' Nope, 'That's it...make my day'.... no....Damnit!! OWWW! >Now I have ablasted headache!" DARIEN: (Misty) When Usagi gets a headache, she gets psychic power! Usagi! Use Confusion! >"Um,,,, this isn't good." everyone said as she stared at the girl. >"Oh well. 'I am the terror that flaps in the night! JACK: Her buttcheeks are guesting? NEPHRITE: What the hell are you talking about? JACK: When she farts... aw, screw it. >I am the pits in your bowl of cherries! I am Darkwing, eh, >Sailor Moon! I will blah blah blah blah, and That means you!" >"ABOUT TIME!" Everyone said. RANMA: *Holds out alarm clock and activates it* It's what now, six thirty? >Sailor Mars got ready to attack. "Are you sure about this Pluto?" >"It's all we got." DUO: (Setsuna) Three dollars, a nuclear weapon, a carton of Misato's ramen, Pen-Pen, and a cigarette lighter. >"Okay....Mars Fire Lighter Blow!" She screamed out as she took out a >cigerette lighter and flipped the switch and blew it. NEPHRITE: And the flame promptly went out, thus rendering her useless. >The yuma just stared at the girl. >"Uh Hehehe." JACK: Sailor Mars obviously does _not_ know about flamethrowers. RANMA: And a Terran Firebat squad from Starcraft would be so useful here... JACK: Hell, throw in a Battlecruiser or Carrier and we're outta here. >"My turn!" Jupiter said as she took off her boots RANMA: Foot fetish? A youma with a foot fetish? >and dragged a shag ALL: (Austin Powers) Shagadelic! >carpet next the yuma then started to rub her feet on it. "Jupiter! >Electricity...ZAP!" She yelled as she touched the the demon giving >it a very small eletric shock. DUO: Hey, don't knock that stuff. A small enough shock will kill a Gundam's computer. >Okay, My turn! "Mercury Super Soaker(TM) Spray!" RANMA: Blatant product plug number one. >Mercury said as she sprayed her super soaker(TM) NEPHRITE: Booted up a TM. It contained SuperSoaker. Teach SuperSoaker to a Senshi? DUO: ->Yes No NEPHRITE: O_o RANMA: Yep, she's got a pair of Super Soakers, all right. Wish I'd noticed them sooner. *CRUNCH* >unfortunately she had really poor aim and >soaked Mars and her fire power lighter. JACK: Yep, a flamethrower would have been so much better. >"MERCURY YOU STUPID IDIOT! YOU DESTORYED MY POWER! NOW WHAT THE HELL >AM I GONNA DO? THROW IT AT THEM?!" DUO: No harm in trying... *Produces a cigarette lighter and flings it at the TV. It lodges in the VCR's tape slot* >"Okay, I guess I'm up." Venus said as she ran up to hte monster...and >fell on her face. "Damn heels!" The blonde said as she got to her feet. NEPHRITE: Ack! The fic's on rewind! >Holding a long string with maccaroni glued on it she said "Venus >Loves Pasta Chain Do Something!" as she threw the chain at the damon. HARUKA: *Wakes up* Venus is attacking Damon Wayans? That's a new one. NEPHRITE: Next time it'll be Saddam Hussein. *Goes to sleep, as does Duo* JACK: Damn... we're down to... *Counts conscious riffers* Four. Damn. >It just slapped it in the face and nothing more. HARUKA: (Minako) FRESH!!! *THWAP* JACK: *Rubs cheek* Thanks a lot. >Tuxedo Mask tried throwing a rose at the youma but it just landed at >his feet as he fell out of the tree only to be hanging by his too >long pants leg. RANMA: But then he was saved by the long run-on sentence which acted as a ladder so he could get down. >"Damnit! Stoopid rental place only had size triple X!." JACK AND RANMA: (Dexter) You are stupid, stupid, _Stupid_! And before I forget... _STUPID_!!!!! >The girl didn't even know he was there. DARIEN: Good. That's way too embarrassing to even be shown on paper. HARUKA: But this is a magnetic field. DARIEN: ... Shut up. >"My turn!" Uranus JACK: (Butthead) Huh huh, Sailor Your Anus... *CRUNCH THWAP CLANG!!!* HARUKA: _NO ONE_ pulls that with me in the room. *Puts away the Space Sword* >said as she ran up to the cardian with a jack >hammar DARIEN: Please, God, not Jack's "hammer"... RANMA: Hey, it's so small it can't do anything. JACK: HEY!!! >as the other senshi scrambled out ofhte HARUKA: Eggs. >way. >"Uranus! Ground Shaking!" She cried out as she turned it on only for >it to go out of control and drag her towards the others as they ran >screaming for the salior ridding the piece of heavy machinary. JACK: And she rid it of its defects. >Neptune then came on. ALL: (Sailor Starlights) Stage on! >"This is so stupid." She said upder breath. >"Neptune Ocean balls!" HARUKA: O_o DARIEN: Whoa... RANMA: I did _NOT_ want to know that! >She said as she threw water balloons at the monster >who stared at her. JACK: Oh, okay.. .at least they're not urine balloons. >"Fine! Neptune Mirror reflection!" The aqua haired girl yelled out as >she started beating the youma over the head with a mirror before she got >pushed out of the way. ALL: ... That was weird... >"Okay, my turn." Pluto said as she raced up to the youma's face, >carrying a long stick with heart glued ontop as a makeshift HARUKA: Heartsnatcher device. >time key while the others ran in terror from the jackhammer. ALL: *Get up and run like people poorly dubbed Japanese rubber monster movies* DARIEN: (Poorly dubbed guy) AAAAIIIIEEE!!! JACKHAMMER!!! *Continues to move mouth* >"Here goes nothing. RANMA: I'll see your nothing and raise you by infinity minus one! >Pluto Deaf Scream!" The senshi whispered before she screamed at the >top of lungs in the cardian's ear. DARIEN: So it's a wablo, a cardian, a daimon, and a weird lemures? JACK: Geez, can't Safire make up her mind? >"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" ALL: Megami-sama! >The youma winced and batted the girl out of the way. JACK: Add youma to the shapeshifter list. >"Let me try!" Mini Moon shouted as she race up to the monster. "Pink >sugar cubes attack!" She said as she started throwing cubes of pink colored >sugar at the monster who only laughed at the girl. DARIEN: *Bursts out laughing* JACK: As if the Pink Sugar Heart Attack wasn't weak enough... *Laugh* HARUKA: Hey, don't knock it. It's helped out sometimes. >"Sailor moon! You're up!" Everyone yelled out. HARUKA: (Usagi) Nope, I'm down. I forgot my Prozac this morning. >"No Way! I am not kissing that thing! I quit!" she yelled out as she >raced home. RANMA: (Usagi) Here's my two-week notice. Now go to hell. >"Saturn! It's up to you!" Pluto said. >" Okay." She said with a small voice as she carried a piece of piping >with tin foil at the top. JACK: Ah, the Alcarde Spear! >"But this is not gonna work." >"Damnit why does it have to be up to me?" She said with a sigh. >"Saturn Silent Brick!" She Yelled out as she continueously beat the thing >repeatedly over the head with a brick until it passed out due to a >concussion. "Well, ill be damned." DARIEN: (Crow as Satan) Very well, just sign this contract and your soul's mine. >"YAY!" >"Damnit! They deafeated the Wingo!" Luna angrily said. JACK: This is getting as screwy as "Poke-Sailors"! RANMA: "Poke-Sailors"? JACK: Ask Setsuna and Amy. They'll be glad to tell you. >"Oh, well, guess we'll have to give them their powers back." Artimis >said. >"Guess you're right." Luna agreed as she beamed them back their >powers. Unfortunately all were not happy. HARUKA: For they had to pay late fees and fines as well as cleaning charges on the fukus. >"AHHHHH! I'M WEARING A DRESS!" The man Formally known as Tuxedo said >as she ran around. RANMA: Tsubasa! I _knew_ you were here! >********************************************************************** >************************* DUO: *Wakes up* Deathscythe! My love! >The End? JACK: We can only hope. *The Crest of Hope appears in the theater and flies around a few times before it disappears* DARIEN: What the hell was that? JACK: Apparently a Crest of Hope. I'll check it with our computers - we seem to be in a causality loop. >Or just the beginning? We shall see....."And Remember, Paste tastes >just like tapioca pudding! Sailor Sugar Says. Hehe!" HARUKA: That explains the author's brain damage! JACK: It's over! DARIEN: Oh, God, the women must be suffering the same horror! RANMA: Don't worry... Kodachi can handle it, and I'm sure that the Senshi who were here before can deal with it. DUO: But what about the other Senshi and Shampoo? HARUKA: Hey, if I could take it, so can they. *Exit all to the bridge* (SoS Bridge. Jack and Duo are messing with the comm system.) JACK: And this should do it... *Clicks a button* There we go! (Black Moon UFO) SAPPHIRE: Hey, guys... what's going on? (SoS) JACK: Thanks a lot, Sapphire. You sent us a fic in the middle of my bachelor party! (Black Moon UFO) SAPPHIRE: What? What're you talking about? *Realizes what Jack's talking about* Damn that Rubeus. I'll have a talk with him. (SoS) DUO: And what about the women? How are they? (Black Moon UFO) SAPPHIRE: *Clicks at console* Seems like Emerald sent them a fic by Sailor Sugar. I'll see what I can do to help, but it isn't going to be much... and if they find out, I'm screwed. B-KO: Sapphire! *Enters room* There you are! SAPPHIRE: *Screams and runs off with B-Ko in hot pursuit* (SoS) JACK: Great... DARIEN: You think we should help out? JACK: Nah, those women can take it. I suggest we prepare the main bridge for the wedding. (SoS Holodeck, the other side. Hotaru's bachelorette party in in full swing.) MICHIRU: A ladies' night out... haven't had this since Galaxia! *Chugs wine cooler* REI: (Sober) Better watch your drinking. *Sips at a margarita* AMY: Hell, Rei, we can drink all we want here! We've got pills to fix everything! REI: You're joking. RINI: Nope. *Swigs at a _BIG-ASS_ daquiri. Lita enters with a cake* Hey, hey! Here's the main attraction! HOTARU: Gimme a knife - I'm cutting that cake! *Grabs a big knife and advances on the huge cake* LITA: No! Don't cut it! SERENA: I'm not going to watch this... *Covers eyes and a TV pops out of the cake* LITA: The hell? I put a holo-male stripper in there! MICHIRU: Another reason I shouldn't watch. *Goes to an alcohol-induced sleep* SERENA: Likewise. Lita, Mina, I suggest you do the same. *Goes to sleep* SETSUNA: Great. This isn't my fault! MINA: I'm gonna stay awake. Maybe I'll get lucky! REI: Not me. One fic's enough. *Passes out, as does Shampoo* AMY: Nah. Tonight's my night off. *Falls asleep* HOTARU: What is it with everyone going to sleep? RINI: Maybe we oughta do that in the theater during a normal fic. MINA AND LITA: But right now we've got OVERDOSE SIIIIIIIGN!!!! (Bachelorette party door sequence) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: Mark Henry. He explodes. Door 4: Harry Solomon from "Third Rock". He works his mojo. Door 3: Shadow Guyver 007. He fires a Shadow PPK and the wall/window shatters. Door 2: A beehive. The bees sting the wall to death. Door 1: Joanna Dark. You play Marco Polo for a while and then pass by. (SoS Holodeck, women's side. Seating order from left to right: Rini, Lita, Mina, Setsuna, and Hotaru.) MINA: How bad can the fic be? HOTARU: We've had some pretty bad ones, lady. RINI: "Fit to be Tied". That's all I'm gonna say. SETSUNA: Just be grateful you never got teleported into a mirror universe and got trapped on a Satellite with a bunch of wackos... *Realizes what she said* Waaaaaaait a minute... RINI: Falcon Knight... *Lusty sigh* >HELLO EVERYONE!!!!! ALL: Hi, Dr. Nick! >I'm back again! And Once again I'm HYPER! >LOL. MINA: ROTFLPMGO. LITA: Rolling on the floor puking my guts out. >I HOTARU: (Tom Servo as Kirk) Lost my toupee and girdle and I can't leave my room. >had a rather bad migraine and took some meds for it and woke up with >inspiration to write this! SETSUNA: Yes, Satan does tend to inspire fanfic authors at times. RINI: Oscar. Alienboy52. Tuxedo Jack. Need I say more? JACK: (Over P.A.) HEY!!! >Isn't it wonderful?! Damn evil migraine.... OH >WELL! I got me a new story at least! LITA: (Safire) Now I've only got two hundred and forty-seven more fics to write before I've written them all! >Once again NEW FIC!!!! So yeah, here it >is! ENJOY! Hehehehe. ALL: *Laugh a la Dr. Evil* >Disclaimer: I forgot the last few few times. My bad, I'm poor and make no >money off this. JACK: (Over P.A.) Neither did I, which really sucked. >Hell, this aren't my characters so there! >Title: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way Home From School HOTARU: The fic ended. The End. >Serena sat in class bored out of her little brainless mind. Mrs. >Haruna LITA: _Mrs._ Haruna? I thought the woman couldn't get a man to save her life! MINA: Yeah, and after the Cardian incident with one of her dates... >went on and on and on, and on and on and on and on and on andon andon >and onand ALL: (Wakko Warner's accordion) La la la, la la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la... >no but the blonde hared girl just couldn't seem to pay attention. SETSUNA: Yep, she was just a few dollars short. >Infact it was costing her a buck fifty. ALL: Ba-dum BUM. >She looked to her left and saw Amy digilently taking notes. RINI: Good for her! MINA: Yeah, right... probably doodling about her and Greg. >Boooring. MINA: What is right isn't always popular, what is popular isn't always right. >She looked to her right ands aw Lita drawing pictures in her notebook. LITA: Considering that I can't draw, that's incredible. HOTARU: I don't know about that. >Fun but Usuagi had no skills. SETSUNA: For she was only at level one and had not learned Cyclone or Slash yet. HOTARU: Cheap Crono Trigger reference. >SHE looked infront of her and saw mina snoring . MINA: Uh... I didn't go to her school. >Great idea! Serena grinned and then fell asleep, drooling in her $12.00 >avialabile at Kmart. SETSUNA: Anyone getting a trend here on how Safire's obsessed with money? LITA: She and I ought to get together for a heart-to-heart on finances. >"Serena, Sernina, SERAN@!" HOTARU: SERENA@loudwhinyannoyingsenshi.com. SETSUNA: Watch it, honey. HOTARU: SETSUNA@senshioftime.com. SETSUNA: Better. >The gil kept on snoozing away. RINI: So Cloud and Tifa collected the 5000 gil and went and bought a few spells and potions. >Finially >the person yelling slamed her over the head with a book which started her >awake! "HUH?!" SETSUNA: Incredible... exclamation point... action! >"Serena! Class is over! You missed the lecture on how lima beans >created the first space shuttle!" Ami yelled angrerly in her ear. ALL: ... HOTARU: Don't know, don't wanna know, don't anyone tell me. >"Oh soory." RINI: (A-ko) 'Scuse ME! >"There is no need for excuses although you missed lunch as well. >Sorry we didn't wake you." Makoto laughed. MINA: Makoto Mizuhara? LITA: Me, dammit! That's my Japanese name! MAGIC VOICE: FOURTH WALL BREACH!!! FOURTH WALL BREACH!!! MINA: *Covers ears* HOW THE HELL DO YOU TURN THIS THING OFF?!?!? RINI: (Yelling really loud) SORRY, MAGIC VOICE! LITA APOLOGIZES! MAGIC VOICE: Bloody Fourth Wall breaches... at least they're not crushing my speaker this time. >"Oh." SETSUNA: (Graham Chapman) S(BLEEP)it. >"It's time to go homegirl." Minako cheerfully said. MINA: On three, everybody. One... two... three! RINI: Wazzuuuup!!! HOTARU: Wassup!!! *Hangs tongue out* SETSUNA: Uuuuuhhh... *Tongue out* LITA: Aaaahhhhh... *Tongue out* MINA: Ehhhhh... *Tongue out* >"Okay." >So The girls left the room together but when they got into the hall, >Serena found herself alone. "Huh? Guys? Where are you?" HOTARU: The magic of plot contrivances continues with this amazing uncalled Sailor Teleport! >Serena then smashed into a wall. Serena funny. SETSUNA: I.R. Baboon fanfic be writing. LITA: More like Sana-chan. Course, since I've never seen "Kodomo no Omocha", just "Kodomo no Evangelion"... RINI: Some weird parody? LITA: Twisted beyond belief. You can find it at http://www.animeshrine.com. MAGIC VOICE: Great... more hyperlinks in a text document... thank God Wordpad doesn't support them. >"Huh? How the hell did that happen." MINA: You smashed into a wall that's been there since it was built. >"A wall was there and you smashed into it. End of story." Queen Beryl >said as she skipped to exominics so she could becomea housewife. RINI: No, Queen Beryl skipped to the pile of dust that was formerly her body until I got to her. MINA: Don't know, not gonna ask. >"Oh." HOTARU: Duh. >Serena then found herself outside. It was pouring down rain. Serena >got wet. Serena got wet because it was pouring down rain. Then it snowed. It >was June. Her favorite is pink. SETSUNA: See Spot. See Spot run. Run, Spot, run. RINI: See Rini. See Rini's custom-made fusion cannon. See Rini nuke the cake. MINA: Nuke, Rini, nuke. RINI: Fine by me! *Fires a blast at the cake. Not only does it survive, but a layer of blue radioactive icing is added* >"COME BACK HERE, GOHAN AND GIVE ME BACK MY CANDY!" Cell dried out >crying like a baby as he chased after the Saiyan child."I"M TELLING MY MOMMY >ON YOU!" HOTARU: ... Start the crossover meter... >Serena walked right past not paying attention. LITA: And then attention called in the collection agencies. Night, everybody. MINA: Oh, no, you don't, Lita. You're suffering this with us. SERENA: *Wakes up* Is it over yet? *Sees TV* Oh, damn. RINI: Come on, Mama, have a little fun with us. SERENA: *Thinks for a moment* Oh, all right. Just this once. >A car came and ran over Luna and whiny Rini. SERENA: (Mischevious) You know, you little sporophyte, even that wouldn't kill you. (To self) Lord knows I've tried... >Rini cried because she died. HOTARU: And I cried because this fanfic continued. >Luna laughed at her. She crieded more hard. SETSUNA: Grammar... errors... head going into critical mass... >Luna laughed more hard. SETSUNA: *Head explodes, flinging DVDs of "Braveheart" everywhere. It then reassembles.* >Rini cried hardest. RINI: I'm not crying, you bloody (BLEEEEEEEP). You want a piece of me?!? HUH?!?!? SERENA: Uh-oh... critical mass... Not like there's much to worry about, though... LITA: Don't be so sure... >Then they both died again. RINI: THAT'S IT!!! MOON CRYSTAL POWER! *Transforms into Neo-Sailor Moon* TAUNT ME NO MORE WITH THIS FANFIC! IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, I PUNISH YOU! MOON HOLY FATE BEAM!!! *A white crescent-shaped beam of light rips from Rini's hands and incinerates most of the cake, but the TV's left intact. Rini collapses to the floor, unconscious* SERENA: Okay... what just happened here? SETSUNA: Looks like Rini just got her Super Attack. LITA: Like the Tidal Strike and Psionic Barrage? SETSUNA: *Nods* MINA: Let's just get this fic over with. >THen the car backed up and Elos >hoped out skamperin down the street on his way to marry Mistress Nine. HOTARU: Skamperiffic! Whoa... waaaaait a minute... I was Mistress Nine... but I'm marrying Jack! >Usaugi didn't notice. >The she saw Washu Ryoko, LITA: The merged form of Washu and Ryoko? Dang, but Washu can work wonders with genetics. >Ayeka, Mihoshi, Tenchi and, Kyone run >screaming past followed by Sasami carrying a big butcher knife yelling MINA: (Sasami) ATTICA! SERENA: (Sasami) Wait! I just forgot my anti-psychopathic medicine! I'll be fine in a few minutes! (Sasami, dark) Suuuuure I will... >"I need to feed Master Rehoshi!" >Serena just continued on. >She saw Darien running towards her. SERENA: The nerve of him, running towards me! SETSUNA: Let me guess... he should be sprinting. SERENA: Damn straight! >"MAMORU!" LITA: Badly dubbed name switching! MAGIC VOICE: Strike two, lady. One more and I send you to Washu's lab to help her test out her new Easy-Bake Oven. >He ran right pass her in an old pair on Air Jordans that costed him >$400000000000.00. HOTARU: The sad part is that he got those cheap compared to the other poor bastards who bought those. >"ANDREW!" SERENA: Hey, two hot guys, me... uh-oh. SETSUNA: I smell a lemon. MINA: Hot diggity damn! LITA: Not again... HOTARU: Poopy. After "Fit to Be Tied", I never want to see another Sailor Moon lemon... least of all a yaoi one. SETSUNA: Just be grateful it doesn't involve the Sailor Starlights or Zoisite and Kunzite. >He yelled as he ran to the blonde haired guy and embraced >him. "I LOVE YOU ANDREW!" Then he they kissed. SETSUNA: Yaoi... causing head to explode... must resist... SERENA: This is so wrong, yet I can't turn my head. >"I LOVE YOU TOO DARIEN! LET'S GO TO VEGAS AND GET MARRIED!" HOTARU: Despite the obvious fact that the only state that allows same-sex marriages is Hawaii... >Andrew exclaimed as they skipped down the street together to get matching >rings and needed supplies. SERENA: Supplies? MINA: Trojans, whips, chains, you know the drill. SERENA: They can just ask Rei over there. >"OKAY!" >Serena didn't notice. "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!" LITA: You weren't watching? You lucky bastard. >Pluto skated by wearing a pair of $1.00 skates available at Robbys >Sports Crap that closed down a few years ago on and nothing else. SETSUNA: Why does this always happen to me? *Clothes vanish and a pair of roller skates appear on her feet* Would someone be so kind as to PASS ME A F(BLEEEEEEEP)CKING BLANKET?!?!?!?!?!?!? HOTARU: *Passes Setsuna a blanket silently* SETSUNA: Thanks. *Wraps up in it* >"I'm flying!" HOTARU: (Setsuna) I feel like I could fly, Jack! MINA: (Tuxedo Jack) Then try it! *Fakes pushing motion* HOTARU: (Setsuna) AAAAAAHHHhhhhh.... *Imitates splatting* SETSUNA: Me and Jack? DISGUSTING! >"Oh-kay." Serena said as she stared at the clothesless sushi of time. SERENA: Which was shrimp. LITA: Wha... SERENA: Shrimp TEMPORAL! Get it? ALL OTHERS: ... SERENA: (Grumbling to self) Illigitimatus non carborundum est... >Then she shrugged and continued walking. >Then Ryo, Heero, SETSUNA: Heero's back? Poor guy. HOTARU: He cracked after "Lemon Wing". >Duo, Quatre, and others that I'm not thinking >because my head hurts again, pranced by wearing pink tutus dancing to Swan >Lake followed by Sage and Kento carrying a boombox blasting their chosen >music. LITA: Sounds like one of Mina's dreams. MINA: Hey, at least I get some on a regular basis. LITA: Grrr... >Uausgi just continued on not even noticing. >"AHHHHHHHHHHHH! AN ELF RIDDING A GREEN GIRAFFE IS GONNA EAT ME!" >Screamed Hotaru as she raced pasted Usagi Leaving a trail of odd smelling >white powder behind her. HOTARU: Joy. Now I seem to be on Ecstasy or LSD. >She shrugged again and continued on. >"I CAN FLY!" Haruka said as she jumped out the one story window >wearing a peter pan costume and fell going splat on the pavement. ALL: (Singing) You can't fly, you can't fly, you can't fly, you can't fly, you can't fly-eeeey-yaaaieeey-aaaaiiiieeeeey-yay... >"That was stupid!" SERENA: (Beavis) Heh heh... that was smart, Butthead. LITA: (Butthead) Shut up, Beavis. You're ruining it! >Michelle yelled to the corpse as she dropped all >of the dead girl's possessions out the 13 story window including her sports >car, motorcsle, piani nad her $4.99 hellocopter. MINA: Where's this copter fellow? I want to say hello to him! >Michiru then shaved her head and went off to get some tatwos and join >a motorsycle gang. SETSUNA: But what about Michelle? I want to know what happened to Michelle! >Serena just steped over all the debrie and the dead body. >Mina then skipped by cheerfully exclaiming "CAT TASTES JUST LIKE >CHICKEN!" while swinging Artimis's bodyless head in her hands. MINA: ... Okay... SERENA: (Stan) Dude... something's f(BLEEP)cked up here. HOTARU: Nani?!?! That language coming from _YOU_?!? >Serena took one look at her firend and felt a little concerned but >that was it. >Then some nem with starchy white coats with pretty buckles and straps >ran past chasig after Minako. ALL: (Singing) They're coming to take me away, hey hey, they're coming to take me away! >"Damn, she always get's all of the guys' attentions." >Usagi continued on not noticing that some how she was walking in the >dessert. HOTARU: Which was a nice chocolate mousse. SERENA AND MINA: Mmm... chocolate... *Drool everywhere* LITA: Damn, and the holosystems just cleaned this place! >Amy then skipped by wearing a yellow Tulletubbies costume. "I must >get to the North pole!" she shouted urgently as she raced down the street >not realizing that her zipper was still down and all could see her back >side. SETSUNA: Don't know, don't wanna know, don't anyone tell me. >Serena just continued on. >Then she somehow wound up walking in a junggle. >Then Jupiter raced past wear fatigues and holding a rocket launcher >yelling,"THE EVIL ALIEN CUPCAKES ARE INVADING EARTH!" the blew a hole >through Usuagi. But she didn't notice and continued walking. SERENA: I must have had a suit of combat armor from Quake III. >Then Rei ran up to Serena holding the hand of a smelly monkey HOTARU: AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!! HACHI MACHI!!!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!! SERENA: ... Not gonna ask, don't wanna know. >shouting, "GUESS WHAT! GUESS WHAT!!!! HOTARU: (Rei) Hachi Machi put me in a crappy Thundercats/Sailor Moon crossover lemon! ISN'T THAT COOL? >BOB ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM ISN"T IT GREAT?!" She said a she hugged Smelly >Bob the Monkey and race off to find the perfect dress for her dream wedding. LITA: Ah, good old Hachi Machi. HOTARU: You wouldn't be saying that if you'd seen what he'd done to you in the lemon. >Serena just shrugged and continued. >Then Sailor Moon ran up to her and started beating her over the head >with the cerscent moon wand until the last of Serena's brains fell out. MINA: Short trip. SERENA: Hey! >"SERENA! BUNNY! SERWNA@! SETSUNA: No one had better make an e-mail or Internet joke here. >USAGI! SERENA!" >SSEEEEEEEEERRRRRREEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAA!" LITA: (Evil) Sounds like someone's having a killer orgasm. SERENA: HEY! >"Huh?! What?" Serena said as her head shot up. >"Class is over and you feel asleep again!' Amy shouted as they tried >to drag their friend out of her chair. HOTARU: Metal Gear strikes again! LITA: The truck have started to move. SETSUNA: All your base are belong to us. SERENA: You have no chance to survive make your time. MINA: Somebody set us up the bomb. >"Oh Okay." >Finito. >***** SETSUNA: I want some of whatever those critics are smoking. >Hehehehehe, That was a fun one to write. I am such a great writer! ALL: ... ... ... >And don't worry I'll write more again REAL SOON! And remember, "Geekos MINA: Melvin's in this! >+ No Water + in the house = Ewwww. Sailor Sugar Says! HEH HEH!" SERENA: And I say, "Thank God!" MINA: Can we get out of here? HOTARU: The doors should work. *The conscious riffers wake up the others and carry Rini out. Exit all* (Reverse Door Sequence) (Scene: SoS Bridge. The women storm in, and they are _pissed_.) HOTARU: Where's that Rubeus... sending me a fic during my bachelorette party... SERENA: (Kyle) That bastard! MINA: Well, at least it's over. MICHIRU: Don't bet on it. Sapphire said that there were five fics... and assuming the men had one, that's only four. LITA: Well, maybe they had two. SERENA: I don't think so. SHAMPOO: Shampoo and Lita go cook food for wedding tomorrow. We make good Chinese sweets and Japanese food. Ukyou sent okinomiyaki for Ranma-husband. AMY: Shampoo, you're married to... SHAMPOO: Shampoo know, Shampoo know. Force of habit. MAGIC VOICE: Launching novel format device now. ALL: *Make various sounds of questioning* * * * * * * * * * * * Surprisingly, in a twist of fate, the main plot writing device was switched to a novel format without any prior warning. "Shampoo think that this very screwy," the Amazon said, drawing her bonboris and looking around warily. "Relax," Magic Voice said in his smooth voice. "I'm not doing anything weird except shattering the Fourth Wall and taking us out of script form." As per the norm, the Fourth Wall crushed his speaker. "I'm not even going to ask," muttered Hotaru. "So, Hotaru-chan, you picked out a dress yet?" Lita said brightly. "OhmyGod!" Hotaru shook her head and dashed off to a replicator in her room, the now-conscious Rini in tow. "Ineedadressandacakeandachapelandagroom anda..." "Geez, she's whinier than the sporophyte," Serena said, clapping her hands to her ears. "Shampoo go and get Duo-husband," Shampoo said, sheathing her bonboris and bounding off the bridge. "I'm gonna go and make the cake," Lita said, tugging the unwilling Mina, Amy, and the more-than-willing Michiru into the kitchen. Serena followed, and Lita promptly pushed her outside, hoping to God that Serena hadn't gone through the ingredients already... * * * * * * * * * * "So, what're you using as a tux?" Darien said, sitting back and sipping at a small Manhattan. "You can't just henshin, man, 'cause she sees that every day. You got anything more than that?" "I don't know," Jack replied. "I might be able to pull what you do, but I'm not sure. If something goes wrong, I don't know what'll happen." Duo poked his head in. "Hey, Jack, where'd you want the ceremony? The bridge?" "Yeah, and the holodeck'll have the reception." Jack turned back to Darien as Duo left. "How about formal robes or something?" "Yeah, right!" Nephrite said. "I'm wearing my Negaverse General's robes, and I'm not changing to anything else except to add a cape." "Man, I still get the creeps every time someone says 'Negaverse'", Darien said, rubbing his left arm. "You were actually once my protector?" "Yeah, and then I went over to Beryl. The biggest mistake in my life," Nephrite said, looking morosely into his glass. "Well, at least Molly's back on Earth." "Molly was _here_?" Darien said in astonishment. "Then that explains the teleport to Crystal Tokyo..." "SO... what am I gonna do?" Jack said, grabbing a sword off the wall of his bedroom, where the three were. "It's not like I can say, 'Tuxedo Crisis Power, Make Up!' and become Prince Jack or something... What're you staring at?" Nephrite and Endymion were staring at Jack in sheer amazement, for something most unexpected had happened to him... He had transformed to Prince Jack of the Satellite. "Do I have something in my teeth? Is my fly undone?" Jack looked around in shock. "Hey, what's this armor doing on me? Oh, dear God... I _did_ transform!" * * * * * * * * * * Amy sat at a computer console, busy programming away, as Setsuna and Kodachi worked the others. The trio were busily replicating a small garden from 20th century Earth - merely for the reception. After twenty minutes, three thousand flowers materialized in the bay of the mass replicator, and the three women set to arranging them around the bridge. * * * * * * * * * * In the meantime, Hotaru was busy picking out her dress. Rini, who had woken up as her head was being banged on the stairs to Hotaru's room, was alternately eagerly giving advice and eagerly popping Vicoden after Vicoden. (Hotaru stopped her after two, though.) "How about this one, Rini?" The dress had a plunging neckline and no shoulders to bother her, not to mention its fabric... a few more holes, and you could have seen all she had to offer. "This isn't the Spice channel, Hotaru," Rini said, wincing as the Vicoden took effect. "Pick something more modest! After all, it is a _wedding_, not a strip bar." "Fine." Hotaru cycled through a few more dresses... "Oh, my God... this is perfect!" Rini eagerly agreed, and Hotaru replicated the dress and began to try it on. * * * * * * * * * * Duo knocked on the door to the groom's room. "Everybody ready?" "Not quite," Jack yelled back. "Gotta take care of some last-minute difficulties!" He then turned to Nephrite and Ranma, both of whom were dressed in their most formal: a black set of Negaverse general's robes, and a white Chinese formal suit. "So, who's gonna be your best man?" Ranma joked with Jack. "Wimping out on the wedding day?" "Not a chance, Ranma," Jack said, dragging ot a bucket of cold water. "Unless you want Kodachi to suddenly become a lesbian, you'll keep quiet." He then turned to Nephrite. "Is the Improbability Field in place?" Nephrite nodded. "And I've got the good old Plot Contrivance Gun and that yellow rose you wanted." "Good," Jack said, taking the rose and the gun from him. "I never thought that I'd use this again..." He carefully positioned the rose inside a topaz at the end of the room... took aim with the gun... and fired once. * * * * * * * * * * MEANWHILE, ON THE SATELLITE OF LOVE... Tuxedo Alex had been asleep for a while, dreaming of ways to exact revenge on Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, who had been hatching some evil schemes... They had hired a temp by the name of Mike, an average guy they didn't like... (AUTHOR'S NOTE: *Slaps self* D'oh! Sorry!) Anyway, he'd gone to sleep some hours earlier, and had just woken up from a particularly pleasant dream in which Dr. F. and Frank had to read an Oscarfic, when the red button had started blinking. Seeing as how he was the only one awake on the ship, he walked into the bridge and slapped at it blearily. "Great. What're Kaolinite and Professor Tomoe calling so late for?" "I BEG YOUR PARDON!" Jack's voice thundered from the screen. "Kaolinite's back here..." He gestured at Ranma... "I'm sure as hell not Dr. Tomoe, but I am marrying his daughter!" "Jack?" Alex said in astonishment. "What're you doing here?" "Ah, just called to say hello, how are you, wanna be my best man at my wedding today, you know the drill." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up a minute there," Alex replied. "You and Hotaru? Hadn't expected that for a while." "What, you knew that it was gonna happen?" Ranma butted in from offscreen. "That Ranma? How's he doing? Anyway, everyone over here was sure that you two'd get married and have kids, but we weren't sure when it'd happen. And what's this about your best man?" Jack sighed. "Well, you did riff one of the most horrible fics we've ever gotten, and you are a great guy... plus, you've already got a tuxedo, and that helps a lot... What more needs to be said?" "What about Ranma there? Didn't he qualify?" "Alex, you deserve the honor," Magic Voice broke in. "Just trust me." "All right... but how am I gonna get there?" "Just leave that to me!" Jack whipped out the handy-dandy Plot Contrivance Gun (which, in itself, is a plot contrivance, I guess,) and fired once. Whether it was by the power of the gun, the Improbability Field, or the will of Magic Voice, Tuxedo Alex appeared in the groom's room on the SoS a few seconds later after a Stargate-like warp trip. "Tuxy?" Tom Servo hovered in, jets a-whirring. "Hey, Tuxy, we're out of... wha? Where'd the jabroni go?" * * * * * * * * * * "Geez, remind me not to do that again..." Alex said as he landed on the deck. "Ah... the Satellite of Senshi. Thank God there's no fic today!" "Not quite..." Jack said, passing Alex his yellow rose. "We've done four fics today by the same author. Methinks the Black Moon's in a rut." "Black Moon? What happened to Beryl?" Alex was stunned at the news. A feral grin broke out on Nephrite's face. "She's now sharing shelf space with Jadeite. Zoisite and Malachite got roasted too, and I'm the only one left." "And that's only because I like you," Magic Voice said. "So, Alex, you up for the trip?" "As best man? Damn right!" Alex transformed into Tuxedo Alex immediately. "Where's Amy?" "She's off decorating somewhere," Ranma said. "Where's Tom?" Just then Tom's voice floated through the wormhole. "Hey, now I can go through his stuff! Maybe I can find his secret stash of Hamdingers!" "Don't even _think_ about it, Tom!" Alex called through the wormhole. "I'm merely invisible for a while, but I can see you... and STAY OUTTA THAT DRAWER!" Tom ran out of the room, screaming all the way. * * * * * * * * * * Hotaru stood in her room and did a single pirouette in front of a three-way mirror. "God, this is beautiful! I haven't looked this good in ages!" Rini smiled. "Personally, Hotaru, you're gorgeous. God, Jack's gonna love this. I can't believe it..." She sniffled a little. "You're getting married before I am! I thought that it'd be the other way around!" "Hey, we're only 20. Give yourself time." Hotaru gently hugged Rini. "You'll find Mr. Right, I'm sure of it." "I already have... but I can't have him. Not now, not ever." A single tear fell from Rini's eye and sparkled for a second before she wiped it away. * * * * * * * * * * Magic Voice, in the meantime, had activated the dimensional phase shifter, courtesy of a plot contrivance. * * * * * * * * * * Twenty minutes to go... "Oh, dear God... I transformed... to Prince Jack?" Jack shook his head in astonishment. "Great. Just _GREAT_!" * * * * * * * * * * Fifteen minutes to go... "No, Kodachi, don't put that there!" Crash. Setsuna looked around and sighed at the carnage. * * * * * * * * * * Ten minutes to go... "You call _HIM_ Mr. Right?!?!? RINI!!!" "Like I said, I can't have him!" * * * * * * * * * * Five minutes to go... "Ah, excellent." Magic Voice stepped out of the holo-replicator he'd used, and now instead of just a voice, he had taken on a body... a body that looked strangely familiar... * * * * * * * * * * Two minutes... "All right, Rini... we've got to get this over with now. He's in another dimension! GET OVER HIM!" "But..." * * * * * * * * * * One minute... Jack and Alex stood at the Hexfield with Duo in front of it. Alex wore his usual tuxedo, and Jack was still dressed as, well, Prince Jack, armor and all. "You don't think she's wimped out, do you?" Jack shook his head. "Not a chance. This is the biggest event of our lives... and she'd do it as well as me. We're doing this... and we agreed to that." Just then, a brown-haired man entered. "Congratulations, Jack. Hadn't expected it this early, but hey, whatever works for you two." "Do I know you?" The man smiled. "You might say that. Course, you might also say that I _am_ you. What I'm shocked about is that you don't recognize me from my _voice_." It took a few seconds to sink in, and Alex got it first. "Magic Voice?!? How the hell did you get here?" Magic Voice smiled. "I used the EMH's Mobile Emitter and replicated myself a body in this dimension. My real body won't come through... but I do look _uncannily_ like you, Jack." Eerily, the holo-replicated body looked almost exactly like Jack. Rini walked in, holding a bouquet of flowers. "Hey, guys, she's ready. Do you..." She trailed off as she saw the two similar men standing up by the Hexfield. "Oh, dear God..." She started to collapse... and immediately, Magic Voice leapt to her side and caught her. "Are you all right?" "Just fine... two Jacks... as if one wasn't enough..." Rini started to babble. "Not Jack, dear. I don't go by that name any more. Call me..." Magic Voice stopped for a minute. "I do so hate people calling me Magic Voice. Call me JR." Nephrite entered. "So who shot-" JR stood. "I hear that joke even once, I break out the tentacle demons for the prankster." Nephrite immediately shut up. Amy wheeled in her harp as the Senshi and Darien sat down in their seats around the bridge. "Are we ready to start?" "Not quite," Rini said, standing and exiting. "Gotta go to Hotaru." Michiru opened the case for her violin, and Haruka sat down at the piano. Strains of Beethoven filled the bridge as the trio began to play the Moonlight Sonata - somehow appropriate for the occasion. A few moments later, Rini reentered and nodded. Alex punched Jack in the arm. "Good luck, man." He then added under his breath, "You're gonna need it." Ranma slipped into his usher's position as Rini signaled Amy. Jack grinned, and then the music switched to Mendelssohn as Rini walked down the aisle and entered the bridesmaid's queue. Following her was Setsuna, resplendent in a deep red sheath dress and heels. Finally - and the crowd drew their breaths in at this - Hotaru entered. Jack's jaw dropped. Sailor Saturn was dressed in a dress of white satin with just a touch of lace on the ends. She had no train, and her shoulders were bare, but over her head rested a veil of what appeared to be lace... but at a closer view, it was revealed to be a magical mist that Serena and Amy had conjured up. She smiled, walked to the Hexfield, and stood next to Jack on his left. Jack regained his composure, and Duo spoke. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered together today to unite this bishounen and this bishouji in holy matrimony. Before I begin the ceremony, I must ask if there are any objections to this. Speak now or forever hold your peace." The nuptial pair half expected Pharaoh 90 to burst in and claim Mistress 9... but nothing happened, and Duo continued onwards. "Do you, Jack, take Hotaru to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, to love and to cherish until time itself should end?" "I do." Duo turned to Hotaru. "And do you, Hotaru, take Jack to be your lawfully wedded wife - er, husband, sorry - to have and to hold, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, to love and to cherish until time itself should end?" A pause and a very, very pregnant silence overshadowed the bridge. *Silence* *More Silence* *It's a tomb in here. Sorry. Just cliffhangers to make you read on. The person who told me to write that has been shot.* "I do." There was pure love in their eyes as he lifted her veil and Duo spoke. "By the power vested in me by JR back there, I hereby proclaim you man and wife." He then grinned and spoke again. "You may now kiss -" But he was too late, for Jack and Hotaru were already kissing passionately. "Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Jack Tomoe!" * * * * * * * * * * Thirty minutes later, in the holodeck... The seventeen guests and riffers were in the Holodeck, sitting and chatting... and then Jack and Hotaru walked in, having changed out of their wedding clothes (and Jack had had a helluva time chang back to his regular for after the accident), and the others applauded. Jack and Hotaru sat down at the long table in the room that held their presents... but then, as Amy, Haruka, and Michiru sat down at their instruments, they remembered that the first dance was traditionally theirs. They rose... and then Rei walked over to the microphone. "Hello, everyone. Hotaru asked me to sing this for them at their dance, so..." She cued the Senshi, soft music filled the room, and the newlyweds began to slowly dance. "Ki mi ma itsuko Kanaya e teka De ga o shitsu Shi un sana boshi Dai setsunishita ta..." Jack pulled Hotaru in closer. "Search for your love Sorano su ishido Search for your love Nagana ii dekure Serach for your love Honto wa Daki shineta ii no sa" The pair smiled once towards each other, and the same emotion was mirrored in their eyes. "Kimito kawori tsuto Bokuto no gode o todoke Vima, dokori inuro Bokuro, Princess..." (AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry about the Romanji if it's wrong. I listened to that song - Nagareboshi He - about a hundred times and tried to get it as best as I could.) One spin, and then the song was over, and they parted, leaving the floor to the others. * * * * * * * * * * Several hours later... Most of the wedding guests were dancing in the Holodeck, but Jack and Hotaru had taken the opportunity to retreat to the hangar bay with JR in tow. "Guys, I know you've all been given your presents from everybody, but I've got a little something else for you." JR clicked a button on a small remote that came out of nowhere, and a ship materialized off the port bow. "You've got a one fic break from the Satellite. Use it now, so the Black Moon won't interrupt your honeymoon." He then clicked another button, and he disappeared. "I'm outta here!" The married pair climbed in, and jetted off... * * * * * * * * * * "So we're to take them with us?" Serena said to JR as she sat on the bridge with Darien. JR nodded. "He's served his time, and the other two don't deserve to be trapped here. Beryl really screwed up when she sent them over. I'd intervene myself, but I'm not heading to Crystal Tokyo. Instead, I'm off to 21st-century Texas to live my normal life again." "Good luck, old man," Darien said, slapping JR on the back. "Godspeed." JR merely smiled and dematerialized. The Senshi (sans Amy, Setsuna, and Rini), Duo, Ryoga, and Shampoo got on their ship, ready for a trip back to Earth... and after them climbed Nephrite, Ranma, and Kodachi. The ship launched straight and true... on a collision course with the green-and-blue ball of Earth. "Hey!" Tuxedo Alex shouted from his corner of the now-deserted bridge. "How'm I getting home?" "Here," Setsuna said, tweaking a few settings on the Plot Contrivance Gun. "This should do it, and take it with you." Alex fired the gun, and a portal to the Satellite of Love entered existence in front of him. "I'll tell Crow and Silver you send your regards," he yelled over the roar. "And Rini... I'll tell Falcon you remember him." He leapt through, and the portal closed. The bridge went dark (because Setsuna had turned off the lights). "Come on, Small Lady... I rather think that we'd best get to cleaning up this mess." The three Senshi began to clean up the mess that the reception had left, and after a while, Rini looked outside into space. "It was nice while it lasted..." * * * * * * * * * * BACK TO SCRIPT FORM... * * * * * * * * * * (Scene: Ship that JR loaned Hotaru and Jack. The pair are sipping champagne.) JACK: Mr. Tomoe... I rather like that. HOTARU: As do I... *Kiss* JACK: Whoever said that *kiss* you were evil *kiss* was a *tongue war* complete... *Trails off as a red button flashes* Hold on a minute... HOTARU: Magic Voice said that they wouldn't bother us here! (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: They must not be married! They'll destroy us all! Diamond! Send them the final fic! DIAMOND: Yes, Wiseman! *Slaps a button* (Spaceship) JACK AND HOTARU: We've got HONEYMOON SIIIIIIGN!!!!! (Honeymoon door sequence) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: Pinky and the Brain. Snowball hits Brain in the head, a scuffle breaks out, and you edge past. Door 4: Cid. You don earplugs to block the blasts of profanity, and blindly stumble to the next door. Door 3: A golf club. You swing it at the next door. Door 2: A golf ball. It shatters the next door. Door 1: A broken light bulb. You pick your way through the shards of glass. (Space limo's backseat. Seating order: Jack and Hotaru. Duh.) JACK: What the hell's going on here? HOTARU: I'd say a fic, but Magic Voice promised us there wouldn't be one! WISEMAN: (Over P.A.) Just rounding out the cycle. I figure that you'll hate us for it, but hey, we're villains. Everybody hates us! JACK: UP YOURS! JR: *Materializes in limo next to Hotaru* Thought you could use some help. HOTARU: High damn time! JR: Hope you don't mind my being late. JACK: Let's just get it over with so Hotaru and I can go on our honeymoon! >From Sailor Sugar (sugrrfreak@hotmail) >Sailor Sugar here HOTARU: No, Sail your Sugar somewhere else! >and I'm not even on a sugar high, yet! Actually >maybe I am since breakfast consisted of well, JACK: A large bowl of C4. >ice cream, but that was only >because I burnt my tongue on hot tea last night! Damn resturant wasn't >kidding.... JR: Warning - contents of fic are toxic. Do not read if you wish to keep your sanity. >Anyways enjoy the fic. Peace Out! ALL: (Sailor Starlights) Staaaaaage... OUT! >Disclaimer: One order of the usual JACK: 61 Big Macs, 37 Super Size fries, and 16 Large Cokes. JR: Ah, yes... Usagi's usual order. HOTARU: Eeep! No lemons! >aka I don't own anything. HOTARU: (Sailor Sugar) I'm literally poor in the streets! >Title: CATastrophe! aka Freaky Furry Friday JR: The sequel to the movie "Cat Scratch Fever". >It was just another day like usual. The bird singing, the trees >walking, and JACK: A-ko and B-ko blew up another building. HOTARU: Akane poisoned the entire Tendo Dojo. JR: The Black Moon sent you another fic. JACK AND HOTARU: Shut up. >the sailor scouts were fighting, again. Just another typical >day. >"Mars Fire soul!" Mars shouted as she shout fire off at the demon. ALL: FIRE OFF! >AHHHHHH! Mars you idot! HOTARU: (Rei) I'm an iMac, you fool! >You set my hair on fire! Amy quick!" Neptune >cried out as her perfectly hairsprayed hair started burning like a cheap >christmas tree. JR: This so reeks of the Simpsons. >"Oh, right! Mercury Bubble!" the blue hair girl yelled as she blinded >everyone. JACK: (Crow) Sorry, sorry everyone! Only meant to blow up that one thing. >"The other attack you shumuk!" Neptune cried out as she ran in >circles. HOTARU: Thus wearing a hole in the floor and dropping her thirty stories to a gruesome death. >"Oh, sorry! Mercury Aqua Rapsody!" JR AND HOTARU: (rapping) My name's Sailor Sugar, And I'm an alcoholic, I got a disease, And I don't know what to call it. JACK: Man, Tuxedo Alex is gonna kill us... >And then Neptune's perctly burnt hair wa finally extingushed. >"Ewwww, it smell like burned hare!" HOTARU: No, hassenpfeffer smells like burnt hare. >Rini said as she gagged empty all >of the contents of her little pink stomax on Mina's shoes who didn't notice >because she was busy twirling hair. JACK: Hmm... Has Rini been to South Park recently? >"You know I am really sick of my name being Uranus! It sounds like >pee! So I am changing my name to um JACK: Oscar! HOTARU: Hachi Machi! JR: Jack! JACK: Hey! >Bob!" Uranus I mean Bob the Planet >formally known as Uranus announced. JACK AND JR: (Knights of Ni) We are no longer the knights who say ni! We are now the knights who say icky-icky-ptang-roop-bah! >The others weren't paying attention though cuz they were still >fighting. Well those that weren't doing something else. >"OHHHHH TUXEEEDOOO MAAAAAASK!" HOTARU: Damn sex maniacs... can't keep their hands off each other... JACK: Kinda like us, huh? *CRUNCH* JR: I try to maintain some decency in my theaters. KEEP IT THAT WAY. >"SERRREEENAAAAA!" JR: *Hands crackle with ki* Not one word, you two. >"Um, you need help getting out of that tree?" Serena asked as she >staring up at her boyfriend who was stuck in the tree. JACK: So who's got the dirty mind? JR: Up yours. >"You think?" HOTARU: Duh... nope, nope, nope, nope. >"I don't know. I havent tried before." JACK: Don't think - it weakens the nation. >While that was all going on. Pluto and Saturn were in a jousting >match with staffs. JR: Setsuna Meiou - princess of thieves. HOTARU: (Daffy Duck) Parry, guard, lead, left, right, thrust... *CRACK* Okay, maybe I should do this without the Silence Glaive. JR: Hindsight's always 20/20, isn't it? >"HAHAHAHA! I have you now shorty!" Pluto laughed. JR: And then I'll have another Pokemon! I'll catch all 251 of you buggers! >"Oh yeah you... you beanpole!" JACK: Someone's been reading the Tripods series of books again, huh? >saturn grinned as with one swipe she >sliced off Plutos long green hair. "AHAHAHAHAHA!" HOTARU: How'd Kodachi get in here? JR: She's not in the fic. She's going back to Earth in the 20th century. HOTARU: And _WE'RE NOT_?!?!? >Jupiter was the only one taking her agressions out on the new demon. JACK: (Lita) This is for when I was called a beanpole! *WHACK* And this is for when I was called Thunderthighs! *CRUNCH* AND THIS IS FOR DiC DUBBING SAILOR MOON IN NORTH AMERICA!!! *CRUNCH THWACK WHAM KA-BLAM!!!!* JR: *Coughs smoke* Uh... you can stop now... >The cats sat on the ground with a bag of popcorn watching. >******* >Elsewhere JR: Ness and his men speed towards Capone's hideout! >******* >"MIHOSHI! I AM GONNA KILL YOU!" Kiyone scremed out as she chased the >dizzy blonde all over the house. HOTARU: Mihoshi's been hitting the hard stuff again. JACK: So she's still going after Tenchi? *WA-TAK* JR: Leave it at that. >"WAHHHHH! I Didn't mean to shrink your favorite Nsync shirt!" >"Wait.....you...shrunk....my ...Nsync shirt too! IT WASN'T JUST MY >HANSON SHIRT?! AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kyone yelled as she grabbed a baseball bat and >continued xhasing after Mihoshi. JR: Better shrunken than letting the horrors loose on the civilized world. >Sasami just sat in the kitchen chopping vegetables like usual with >Ryo-Ohki drooling on the carrots. "No Carrot for you!" she said as she >slapped the furry creature over the head with a wooden spoon. >Ryoko and Aeka were busy fighting over Tenchi again in the hot tub HOTARU: Next thing we'll find out is that Tenchi's in there with them. JR: Don't tempt fate, child. >not realizing that they were drownig the boy. HOTARU: ... JR: Need I say anything at all? HOTARU: .. No. And if you do, I will make sure you never have children. >And Washuu was in her lab like usual. >***** >Sudenly a great light came to the shy and exploding in a shock of >light. *Serena and Mihoshi can be heard saying "Ohh pretty."* SERENA AND MIHOSHI: (Over P.A.) Ooh... pretty. JR: Oh, dear God... the Fourth Wall's gonna blow. JACK: Note to self - get the limo serviced at the next stop. >And once it was gone, something was very wrong. JACK: (Miss Clavelle) Something is so very wrong... and that is why I sing this song... >****** >"What the hell just happened?!" Raye yelled out as she looked around. >Something was very wrong. JACK: *Opens mouth to sing* HOTARU: No more singing... please. JACK: *Sulks* >"Um, no clue actually. Why is the ground really close?" Mina said. JR: Because a massive plot contrivance just kicked you people in the ass. >Rini scratched her head with her foot trying to figure out what >wrong. JR: *Drools* Never knew that Rini was a contortionist. She must be fun in the sack. *CRUNCH WA-TAK* JACK: *Vein throbs* Don't _EVER_ say that about Rini again! HOTARU: Who are you, Robert Tsunai? >Michiru licked her. "Wait something is strange...." HOTARU: Oh, dear God... Tsunai's influence is everywhere... >Um, how did the deamon get so big?!" Jupiter assed. JR: And she's got a nice one, too. *BLAMMO* HOTARU: *Veins throb* >Everyone looked curiuosly around when suddenly Bob formally known as >Urnaus died.....and then came back to life. JACK: (Knight of Ni) Oh! He said the magic word! >"Oh no! We're Cats!" Pluto the dark cat yelled out. HOTARU: Pluto... the dark knight of the universe. >As everyone scampered to the big puddle left over from Mercury they >all screamed. JR: (Mercury) I had a rather large orgasm, sorry about the mess... *ZZZZAAAP* HOTARU: What did I say earlier? *Hands crackle with ki, and she's ready to go Super-sayan* >"AHHHH! This can't be! I'm allergic to cat hair!" Raye-cat eclaimed. HOTARU: Mmm... eclairs... *Drools* JR: Damn, now I'm gonna have to call the cleaners... >"Hehehe, guess you'll have to shave then. You're legs are looking >rather hairy!" Serena-cat giggled as the red cat pounced on her. JACK: This seems somehow familiar... JR: Think "Sailor Moon Meets Seinfeld". JACK: Now I remember! *Turns to JR, deathglare on his face* Even though I didn't _want_ to. >"Oh that explains my death. JR: (Haruka) Sailor Galaxia killed me and Sailor Moon brought me back to life by use of an incredible plot contrivance! >Curiuosity killed the cat and I have nine JACK AND JR: Umm... eight. >er eight now, lives so i came back to life!" Haruka-cat said as she wagged >her tail. >"Wow! You're a pink Rini!" Hotaru said. "That's different!" >"Yep, and you're purple! Cool!" JR: Shagadelic, baby! >Jupiter coughed up a hairball. HOTARU: (Sailor Sugar) Jupiter threw up on Rini. It was icky. >"Ewwwww!" >"Um, this is gonna take some used to." the brown Jupiter-cat said. >"HAHAHA! We're human!" Luna exclaimed happily as she pranced around >in a...Sailor moon costume?! "Damnit! I'm Meatball head only as a >brunnette!" JACK: Bet rose-boy just loves that. >"Hey!" >"Yep!" Artemis agree until the formally white cat looked down. "Um, >I'm Venus with white hair?! Okay, this sucks...... WAIT!? I'M A GIRL! WHAT >THE HELL?!" JR: Oscar's back! JACK AND HOTARU: *Beat JR into unconsciousness* HOTARU: Finally... some quiet. JACK: Much better. *Looks at Hotaru and starts making out with her* JR: *Wakes up* Gruuu... *Sees the pair* GYAH! *Nosebleed* Better take this fic somewhere else so they can have their fun... *Teleports out to the SoS* (Scene: Black Moon UFO. Wiseman and Diamond are watching the video feed from the SoS. Suddenly, an alarm starts to ring...) WISEMAN: That's the fic alarm! DIAMOND: They can't have... *Checks console* Crap! The fic's being rerouted! WISEMAN: Where's it going? I wanted to destroy those two! DIAMOND: *Runs a few calculations* Looks like it's heading for the Satellite. WISEMAN: Damn the luck! (Satellite of Senshi Bridge. Rini, Amy, and Setsuna are sitting there with various drinks in their hands.) RINI: Never thought that they'd get married, but it happened anyway. SETSUNA: Guess true love can't be helped. *Sip* AMY: Too true. God, but I miss Greg. *JR teleports in* What're you doing back here? JR: Hotaru and Jack got a little busy on their honeymoon and I came here with something that threatened to destroy their little vacation. SETSUNA: Let me guess... a fic? JR: Half of one. We took out the first half, but then Oscar guested, and, well... RINI: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oscar? In a fic? I thought he quit writing! AMY: He did. JR: His guest roles never end. *Klaxons blare, lights flash* And now we've got HALF FIC SIIIIIIIGN!!! (Final frickin' door sequence for this episode) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: A thundering downpour of rain. You run through and are soaked. Door 4: A Lavos Spawn, which is on top of a trapdoor. You slay the spawn and leap through the shell to the door. Door 3: The trapdoor, which drops you onto some Devil's Snare. Door 2: The Devil's Snare. JR casts Fire3 and it is incinerated. Door 1: An AOL server. The Senshi go berserk and destroy it. (SoS Theater. Seating order: Rini, Setsuna, Amy.) AMY: What? He's leaving us to the fic on our own? RINI: That bastard! JR: Who said I was leaving? *Teleports in* I just don't like having to go through those insane doors. RINI: Oh. *Sweatdrop* >WHOA! A girl with a deep voice......well, that kinda explains it." >Mercury-cat shrugged. SETSUNA: Oh, man, did Oscar run a plot contrivance to make Amy a cat? JR: Worse. Just read on and find out. >"Hey! Yeah! I'm human too and Oh DAMNIT! I look Like Rini! >NOOOOOOOO!" Diana cried out as she looked at the Mini Sailor Moon costume. RINI: HEY! AMY: *Snicker* SETSUNA: Just great. He's pulled a reversal, which means that Artemis must be human too... >"I DON'T WANNA BE THE ANNOYING PINK GIRL! WAHHHHHH!" >"Gee, I wonder if the rest of us have cats?" Pluto said as she >glanced at the others trying to advert her gaze from Tuxedo Cat and >Serena-cat doing it well, SETSUNA: Oh dear God... JR: NO! AMY: Eeeeww... >kitty style RINI: I always wondered how cats did it... JR: Then go read an Oscar lemon. >"Wait...if I'm a girl, then where did Diana come from?!" Artemis >asked looking at Luna. AMY: Cloning. >"Well, Um, there was this nice cat who um, well you know." ALL: O_o RINI: Let's just hope that it wasn't Tuxedo Cat... >****** >While the Sailor Soldiers were trying to figure out what to do next. >There were problem else where. JR: All your base are belong to us. SETSUNA: We already did that riff. JR: Bite me. >****** >"EEEK! I'm furry!" the purple Aeka-Ohki exclaimed as she ran around >the room. >"DAMNIT! Now I Really am Ryoko-Ohki! " Ryoko-Ohki exclaimed. >"WOW! Ryo-Ohki! You got big! And Human! " Sasami-Ohki said as she stared >at the cute guy in the kitchen. AMY: (Sasami) And I'm getting horny! SETSUNA: AMY! AMY: Eeeep! Sorry! SETSUNA: Too many damn Sasami lemons out there already, don't want another. >"Hey, yay! I can actually talk too!" Ryo grinned. "And I'm wearing RINI: Nothing at all! JR: Methinks you haven't gotten any in a while. RINI: Try ever. JR: Didn't need to know that. >Tenchi's clothes! Cool!" >Just then Mihoshi-Ohki raced in the room and headed straight for the >carrots. "I'm Hungry!" and then she devored the carrots. >"What the friggin hell is going on?! I can't reach my Sailor moon >tapes!" Kiyone-Ohki whined as she hopped in the room. JR: FOURTH WALL BREACH! FOURTH WALL BREACH! FOURTH WALL BREACH! *Calms down* Sorry... force of habit. >"AHHHH! What happened?! Ryoko! Washuu! " Tenchi-Ohki yelled Except no >one could understand him and all that ws heard was a bunch of Meows. >Next a pink Washuu-Ohki entered the room carrying a carrot with her. AMY: And it was her dildo. SETSUNA: Disgusting! JR: Even by me, that was sick. RINI: I prefer cucumbers myself. ALL OTHERS: -_-''' >"Damnit, it affected you guys too. Sorry." >"washuu....What the @$#%&%$#%$ Did you just do you @#$&$&&#!" >Aeka-Ohki yelled as she pounced at the pink Washuu-Ohki. >"Calm down! It's just a minor set back! I'll have it fixed uh soon. I >just hope this didn't too much." she said as she ran back to her lab and >shut the door before there was one more dead scientist. >"Minor Sit Back my furry ass!" Aeka yelled as she hoped against the >door. >"And that it is princess, hehehe" Ryoko-Ohki grinned as Aeka fumed. JR: Time for Ayeka to start waxing, then. RINI: Do you think it's fun to have wax poured dangerously near the most sensitive parts of your body? JR: Sometimes, yeah. RINI: ... Don't know, don't wanna know, don't anybody tell me. JR: *Evil grin* Just kidding. >"Shut up!" >****** >Back in Juuban. >****** >"So what are we going to do?!" Pluto-cat asked as she licked her fur. SETSUNA: I'M A CAT?!? And I'm licking myself?!? RINI: (Malicious) Puu, I never knew you could bend like that! SETSUNA: Shut _UP_, Small Lady! >Just then the animal patrol came. >"AHHHHHHH! RUN!" Neptune-can yelled as she other fled for their furry >lives. >Suddenly eight people suited people ran up to the cats. >"YAY! It's My Comrads!" Sailor Luna-Moon said cheerfully. "damnit! My >IQ is already shrinking!" >"Hehehe. Damnit!" Sailor Artimis-Venus grinned. >"Who the hell are you?!" the animal control angrily said. JR: Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? >"We're Sailors Darn Cat aka DC-Mercury!" >"Fluffy-Mars!" >"Elvis-Jupiter!" >"Miss Kitty Fantastic-Saturn!" >"Nermal-Neptune!" RINI: Fits Michiru to a tee. Always thought she was a bit of a priss. >"Scratchy-Uranus!" ALL: *Burst out laughing* >"and Mr. Bigglesworth-Pluto!" SETSUNA: (Dr. Evil) Come, Mr. Bigglesworth! Into the cryogenic freezing thingy! >"Along with Tuxedo Snowball 2" >"We Are the Sailor Cats!" >The cats formally known as Sailors sweatdropped. AMY: Informally, though, they called each other pet names. >"Whatever." >****** >back at Tenchi's >****** >"I almost got it! It'd be a hell of a lot easier if I had >handsthough!" Washuu-Ohki said as she tried to fix whatever she broke. >******* >"Venus Tuna Chain Gag!" Artemis-Venus yelled as she attacked the >animal patrol. RINI: Mmm... hamachi... AMY: Disgusting! *Gags* JR: Looks like sailormoon.org's profiles were correct. >"Sailor Luna Moon! Now!" >"Anchovie.... Fish.....catnip.....Activation!" >With a simultaneous poof of light due to Luna-Moon's attack and >Washuu's tamporing, everything went back to normal..... except..... SETSUNA: For the fact that the author still has the ability to write this crap. >****** >"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the girls from both series screamed as they >ran for cover, AMY: Someone set them up the bomb! RINI: Again, we did that gag. >um clothes, as Tenchi and Darien stared at them. JR: *Stares at the screen* SETSUNA: *Fries him* JR: *Coughs smoke* >The End. >Well, What didja think? RINI: The little bit I read wasn't bad. AMY: I'll agree with you. SETSUNA: Not bad at all. JR: It sucked. Bite me. Up yours. Go to hell. *Shakes head* Oh, sorry. Stuck in insult mode. Not too shabby, but next time, run SPELL CHECK!!! >I come up with the weirdest stuff sometimes. >Oh well. Anyways, I'll be sure to write plenty more.....as soon as either >have inspiration or get tired of studying. Oh Well. Laters Yall! >And Remember....Soap is good thing.....unless eatten :P RINI: Well, if it's that Herbal Essences... AMY: O_o >Sailor Sugar says. Hehe! JR: High damn time. *Teleports out* SETSUNA: Shall we? RINI: Let's. *Exit all* (Reverse door sequence) (Scene: SoS bridge. Rini, Setsuna, and Amy are sitting on the couches.) AMY: That was rather pointless. RINI: Hey, where's JR? JR: I'm coming, I'm coming. *Teleports in* Had to use the can. Well, I'm going home now, so I have a hunch you'll need this. *Hands Setsuna the mobile emitter* I never needed it - I used my real body and an Author's Plot Contrivance to get in here. SETSUNA: WHAT?!? RINI: You're the author? You're the one who's putting us through this hell?!? AMY: FOR WHAT?!? SOME SICK GRATIFICATION?!? JR: Ratings, actually. Would someone please hit the button on their way to bed? *Teleports home* Bye-bye! SETSUNA: *Loads a Hammerspace shotgun* I feel like a little hunting. How about you two? RINI: *Pulls out her Hammerspace .54 pistol* Likewise. AMY: I'm tired. I'm going to bed. (Black Moon UFO) WISEMAN: Oh, no, you're not! SAPPHIRE! HIT THE BUTTON! SAPPHIRE: *Sigh* Very well, sir. *Hits the button and B-ko runs in* B-KO: Now I've got you! *Maniacal laugh* SAPPHIRE: *Screams like an onna* (FWOOSH) \ | / \ | / \|/ ----0---- /|\ / | \ / | \ AUTHOR'S NOTES Well, there's my sixteenth episode done. It took me a month to write, and even worse, I couldn't get anything done when I was on Spring Break! It's like school is a catalyst for my thoughts. How odd. I'll be sure to hit myself in the head more often. Got a challenge for you: I make it a trademark to spell every word correctly in every piece of writing I write without using SpellCheck. If you can find the only misspelling I made in this entire episode without cheating (that is, without using SpellCheck or Grammatik), I'll give you a guest riffer spot with the G-boys in my nineteenth episode, when I'm MSTing Lady Kat's "G-Boys go Miniature Golfing" _OR_ a spot on the other Satellite I've made, which currently has five riffers. You could be the sixth for an episode! Lia, I have to thank you for these fics. I knotted my brains trying to riff them, and in some places they're good, in some they're bad (the riffs, that is), and in some they're absolute crap. They were, however, the perfect setting for the Jack/Hotaru wedding, and the bachelor party fic idea from you was sterling. The one off thing was JR's appearance... and you can guess who JR is. *Silence* Geez, I'd have thought you'd have guessed by now that it was me. Oh, well. Next up is a lemon by Shadow Guyver 007 - "Humans, Digimon, and Hormones". I seem to be obsessing over lemons this season... well, don't worry. There's only that one left this season, and the others are clean. Just be grateful, people, that it isn't Shadow's "Airborne", a lemon involving the three Legendary Birds from Pokemon (Red, Blue, Yellow) and Ash. *Shudders* Eeesh. I'm going to try to go and hack my school's security systems again, so... I hack the things every day, and yet they make me the network administrator. Ironic, isn't it? One last thing: I'm running out of ideas for host segments. Please send me some more... you'll get credit, and I'll give you a guest spot if you want... You can tell I'm desperate. NEXT EPISODE: Jack and Hotaru finally tied the knot! What's next for them? Rini discovers another room on the Satellite... a _HORRIBLE_ fic by Shadow Guyver 007... and Wiseman figures out how to use the Force! Ja ne! Tuxedo Jack and the crew of the Satellite of Senshi TuxedoJack@juno.com http://www.angelfire.com/gundam/SatelliteSenshi SCHEDULE FOR SEASON 2 117: "Humans, Digimon, and Hormones" by Shadow Guyver 007 118: "Blaine's Crono Trigger Fic Parts 2 and 3" by Blaine 119: "A Very Special Jerry Springer" by Jessie 119.5: "G-Boys Go Miniature Golfing" by Lady Kat 120: SEASON FINALE! "Memorial Day" by Stephen Ratliff and "The New Goddess" by Shinji the 10 o' Clock Assassin Stinger: ">"Oh! Look Huruka!" Michiru cried out as she pointed at the two >younger girls in odd positions. "Remember when we used to do that?" HARUKA: (Over P.A.) We still do, you know. MICHIRU: (Over P.A.) Up for another round? HARUKA: (Over P.A.) Always!"