"Please tell her... to put on some speed... follow my lead... oh, how I need... someone to watch over me..." - the Holodoc on "Voyager" Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 114 "THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE, SCULLY." "UNFORTUNATELY, MULDER, SO ARE THE BAD GUYS.": "Forbidden" and "The Menial Task Machine" by Sailor Scully HARK, WHAT DISCLAIMER THROUGH YONDER WINDOW BREAKS: All anime characters belong to whomever owns them. I own Tuxedo Jack, as I am him. MST3K is owned by Best Brains, and all characters and objects are used without permission. Please don't sue me, I have no money, yadda yadda yadda. Oh, yes... the fics belong to C.B., Alexa, and Sailor Scully, and in my opinion, Gillian Anderson would look weird in a fuku. NOTE: I'm *assuming* that Scully got permission for me to MST "Forbidden", as I got a lot of flak last episode for someone trying to blacklist me for MSTing something that they had given permission to me to MST but when they didn't like the final product, they revoked it. Long story - read my review of "Lemon Wing - MSMT3K Episode 113" for a full explanation. Good news! Episodes 109 and 110 will be released in about a month or two! These _are_ the lost episodes from the first season that detail... Nope, not telling you. Just read this and find out! ***************************************************************** In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere way-out deep in space, The SoS and its occupants Are caught in an endless chase! They thought that they'd beaten Queen Beryl Who had come back to try to rule the world After a long-lasting colossal fight A teleporter sent them all Back to the Satellite! (Senshi and Jack: Crapola!!!) (Hotaru) So we're still riffing bad fanfics, (Setsuna) The worst fics in the world, (la la la) (Amy) We've got to sit and read them all (Rini) Last time I almost hurled! (la la la) (Jack) Now keep in mind we can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) It's quite a test of sanity So on each other we must depend! SENSHI ROLL CALL! Setsuna! (Pan left.) Hotaru! (Hi, girl.) Teenage Rini! (What a cool girl.) Amy! (She's a wisecracker.) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other science facts, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "Ask Washu later, Now I need to sit back and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! *Twang* ***************************************************************** It was a crisp new day around Proxima 3; in fact, it was the kind of day that not too many people get to see and live - the sun was going nova, and the sixteen people aboard the Satellite of Senshi were gathered around a viewport on Deck Eight watching the event happen. All held objects - the Senshi and Jack held drinks, Nephrite and Setsuna held each other's hands, Ranma and Kodachi... well, let's just say that they held no cares for the nova. They were busy making out on the nearby couch. Urd and Kuno lounged calmly against the wall, resting. Urd had seen a sun go nova before, and Kuno was fantasizing about a threesome between himself, Akane Tendo, and the elusive pig-tailed girl - aka Ranma-chan. Ranma, however, wasn't about to let either Kuno in on his curse yet. They'd have to wait to find out. The shockwave hit the satellite a mere three minutes after the sun formally went nova - and it paid the ship no mind, going about its business of destruction. Everyone except Tenchi and Sasami oohed and aahed, either out of interest or out of obligation. The spectacle was over, and everyone dutifully tromped back down to their respective destinations: Heero to the armory, Ranma and Kodachi to her room, and finally Kuno, Urd and Nephrite to the kitchen (they were assigned to make dinner that night). The Senshi and Jack remained at the viewport a little while longer, though... "Kinda makes you miss home, doesn't it?" Rini asked Setsuna, who was next to Rini on the couch. "Don't worry, Small Lady, we'll get back there - hopefully soon," she said, and flashed a glance at Jack to indicate that she needed to meet with him and Hotaru on the bridge. "Serenity and Endymion will get us home." Jack caught her glance and slipped out, Hotaru holding his right hand. Amy followed them for a distance, then left to her room. Setsuna caught up with them in the corridor. "Did you get the device assembled?" "Yeah," Jack replied, "but there are a few complications. One: it's small." "So? We designed it that way!" "Yes, but it'll only hold five people at most," Hotaru replied. "So that means that Jack or Nephrite'll be the one to go with us Senshi." "Not Nephrite," they all answered as one. "He's gonna see what he did to us on this hellhole." Several hours later... Jack and Urd were engaged in an animated discussion with Kuno and Nephrite about metaphysics and their various means throughout the dimensions. "And that's why the laws of metaphysics mean nothing to us where I come from," Urd finished. It was well known that she was a goddess, and therefore the males sitting around in the circle shut up about the subject. Just then, a klaxon ripped out, rending the air with its shrill warning of danger - a craft was leaving the Satellite! The quartet raced down to the shuttlebay - the shuttlebay which had held Jack, Hotaru, and Setsuna's secret escape ship - and stared in shock. It was departing, and its passengers were Heero, Mihoshi, Tenchi, and Sasami! "The hell?!?" Jack screamed in frustration. "That ship was gonna get the Senshi outta here! Bastards!" Kuno yelled at Jack - "You dankish beef-witted puttock, you had that ship and neglected to inform the Blue Thunder of it? You are one cold son of a bitch!" Urd and Nephrite were just screaming. Suddenly, the familiar red light began to flash, and the four riffers in the shuttlebay glimmered in a transporter-like effect as they were teleported into the theater. Jack had time to scream: "We've got FANFIC SIIIIIGN!!!!!" (Door sequence) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: The "Star Trek" transporter. It beams itself up. Door 4: A picture of Akane. Kuno drools, and then you drag him into the next room... Door 3: A picture of Xelloss. Everyone screams and rips it apart. Door 2: Daffy Duck. You don raingear to avoid his spittle and pass onwards. Door 1: A Tupperware party. Jack sets off a plastic explosive and the goods from hell are blown to pieces. (SoS Theater. Seating order from left to right: Kuno, Urd, Jack, and Nephrite.) JACK: I can't believe that they'd take the ship! NEPHRITE: Believe it. We'd all do it to get outta here. JACK: Yeah, I suppose you're right. *Grumble* So what are we watching today? URD: Hope it's not a lemon. JACK: This from the worst hentai on the Satellite. URD: Hey, even I have my limits, and hentai shatters them. >Karaoke Night JACK: Every Thursday from 7 to 10 in the Holodeck. URD: Bring earplugs. >Rating: PG-13 for brief language. NEPHRITE: So they're rating it based on underwear references now? KUNO: It sounds vaguely like "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". NEPHRITE: O_o >Authors: Alexa and C.B. ALL: (Singing as the coach from "Waterboy") AOL Sucks, it really really sucks! AOL sucks, it really really sucks! >Disclaimer: These characters are not ours, except for Ryan, Mark, URD: Tom, Dick, and Harry. JACK: Potter? URD: Dick. JACK: EEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!! URD: Looks like Harry Dick needs a shave. JACK: *Vomits* That was just wrong, Urd. >the other unnamed incredibly stupid Americans, KUNO: That then takes up most of the population of America, then. >the orange-haired girl, JACK: (Charlie Brown) I'm finally gonna do it, Linus. I'm gonna talk to that orange-haired girl! >and the omnipotent NEPHRITE: Q. JACK: You're a Star Trek fan? NEPHRITE: Why do you think I always asked the stars what to do? >narrator. >Authors' Notes: Ok, strangest thing ever to be spawned from our >combined screwed up minds. URD: (Author) Was definitely this idea for a weird limburger fondue... >Frequent er...refrences to sex. ALL: *Groan* URD: Dammit! A lemon! JACK: Calm down. It only said "references", not "explicit hardcore sex". URD: *Grins* >Beware. JACK: Of the fic. URD: Of the author. KUNO: Of Magic Voice. MAGIC VOICE: No Fourth Wall breaches! >All in all, we like it, NEPHRITE: (Author) We like it, we really like it! >but if you agree or >disagree, email us! JACK: *Pulls out a laptop computer* Shall I start flaming them now? URD: Hold on... >(Just remember, all flames go to Alexa so she can destroy >them...heh heh). URD: This is why I tell you to hold off for a while. JACK: *Grumbles* >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >~~~~~~~ >~~~~ NEPHRITE: Jigglyline! KUNO: (Jigglypuff) Jiggly.... line! Jigglyline! URD: (Singing a la Jigglypuff) Jigglyline, jigglyline... JACK: *Snores* >After the concert, they had been driving home, Usagi, Mamoru, >Ami, >Rei and Minako in NEPHRITE: A menage a trois! KUNO: Counselor Troi from Star Trek? Nephrite, I never knew... NEPHRITE: Eeeeww.... I didn't mean it that way! I don't lust after Troi! >one car, Haruka, Michiru, Setsuna, and Makoto in the other. NEPHRITE: I hope Haruka wasn't driving. She'd kill them all in a minute with her speed and lack of skill. JACK: She's an excellent driver! NEPHRITE: Not after a "concert". >When they passed the bar, >Usagi saw a sign in the window reading, 'Karaoke tonight, URD: Karaoke? Aw, crap... KUNO: We can guess where this evil is leading to. NEPHRITE: Geez... we're screwed if Usagi starts to sing. >compete in English and >Japanese'. "Oh, Mamo-chan, I wanna go, too!" Usagi whined. JACK: And dined. NEPHRITE: (Wine Steward) Here we have an excellent 1997 vintage of Usagi from Tsukino vineyards. It goes well with the Senshi Steak and the Mamoru Beans. JACK: *Snicker* NEPHRITE: Yes, I know that I made a sex joke. Shut up, you irokegane. JACK: This from a guy who goes after the girl from Tokyo with the accent from the Bronx. >"Usa-ko," Mamoru started, but seeing her pleading look, he gave in and KUNO: Reduced her sentence to 500 hours community service and two years probation. JACK: *Hums the theme from "Dragnet"* >pulled into the >parking lot. They all exited the cars, URD: And ran over to the flaming wreck that had been the outers' yellow convertible. NEPHRITE: Sounds vaguely like "Nash Bridges". >and Haruka, Michiru, Setsuna, and Makoto walked >over to the others. "Why are we here?" Haruka asked. JACK: Forty-two. KUNO: To eat, drink, and be fat and drunk. URD: Much like President Clinton. NEPHRITE: The answer can't be forty-two. >"Usa-ko wants to sing karaoke." Mamoru explained. NEPHRITE: See? >"Did you bring earplugs?" Rei turned to Minako. JACK: Yeah, Urd, do you have any? URD: One second. *Extracts three pairs from Hammerspace and passes them out* JACK: Hey, where's mine? URD: Sorry. JACK: *Grumble* >Minako giggled and Usagi stuck her >tongue out at Rei with a blibbing noise. Rei responded JACK: WHOA!!!! Yuri content warning! *Imitates klaxon* >until Mamoru and Haruka KUNO: Joined in. >separated them. They walked into the bar and sat down at a large >table. NEPHRITE: Which just happened to be round. KUNO: Queen Usagi and her Senshi of the Round Table! >Setsuna >ordered a margarita, JACK: That's not true. Setsuna hates margaritas - she drinks sherry! >Mamoru ordered a white russian, URD: To clean his room and leave a chocolate on the pillow. >Haruka ordered a shot of vodka, NEPHRITE: (Nav) Here's your f(BLEEP)kin' shot, Senshi! *Imitates shotgun firing three times* >and Michiru ordered a strawberry daquiri. JACK: Yeah, I could do with a daquiri right now. *Summons a pitcher of daquiris from Hammerspace and passes a glass to each riffer* Enjoy. >The others even looked too young to order >liquor. URD: So, Jack, what's your favorite soda? JACK: Jack Daniels. URD: That's a hard liquor! JACK: *Grin* I'd love to, thanks, and Hotaru loves when I do it. >There was a group of eleven American tourists at the bar. They >were NEPHRITE: On a cheap American Express tour. KUNO: Plastered at ten in the morning - New York time, though. >in their early >twenties, male, semi-attractive. JACK: Sounds like me! >The Americans were slightly drunk already, and were >interested in the obviously female majority of the Japanese with >funny-colored hair. URD: Anime fans rejoice - your favorite senshi are now available at a bar near you. MAGIC VOICE: Look, I'm getting rather tired of the Fourth Wall crushing my speaker... *The Fourth Wall crushes the speaker* >One was making eyes at Ami, two at Rei, two at Michiru, three at >Minako, >one at Usagi, and two at Makoto. NEPHRITE: *Pulls out a box of chocolates* One for you, one for me. One for you, two for me. One for you... URD: Shut up unless I get some of those. NEPHRITE: *Gives her the box and shuts up* >The bartender was ogling at Setsuna, and, after Minako removed >her >jacket, revealing a rather brief dress, Rei lost the attention KUNO: (Rei) Attention? Oh, attention? Where'd you go? >of one of the Americans. >The door opened as Haruka downed her vodka, and she sprayed >their table JACK: With a disinfectant, I hope... >with it as a >gorgeous orange-haired girl waltzed in wearing a dress even >smaller >than Minako's ALL: *Gape* URD: That dress could qualify as lingerie! NEPHRITE: And I thought that wasn't even possible... >(didn't think that was possible, did you?). ALL: (Yelling) NO. >Two of the Americans began giving Haruka >strange looks as she stared at the girl, transfixed. KUNO: What do they think, that Haruka's a guy? NEPHRITE: Or that she's a lesbian? JACK: We all know that Nephrite's right. URD: One would hope that Kuno's part isn't... >The younger senshi dispersed >among the Americans, having a grand time flirting. Haruka >continued URD: Chugging shot after shot of vodka, until she died from alcohol poisoning and her corpse slowly decayed on the floor of the bar. Even in death, the shot glass coiuld not be pried from her hand. The end. JACK: Ladies and gentlemen, the new dark-type Pokemon, Urd. >staring at the >girl, as she sat down behind one American. Makoto went over to >talk >to one American >and his friend. The orange-haired girl was right behind them. KUNO: With a cleaver. JACK: *Hums the Psycho shower theme* >"Konnichiwa," Makoto said. "Hey babe," said the first >American. >"You have an extremely large bosom," said the second American. JACK: Yes, she certainly does have lots of "talent"... URD: Damn DiC. They f(BLEEP)cked up a lot of anime. >"I _do_ speak English, you know," Makoto said, eytes narrowing. NEPHRITE: (American) Well, duh! Don't most Japanese? KUNO: (Speaking in Japanese) No. >"Gomen," the second American said, humoring Makoto and trying to >ignore the >sweatdrop sliding down the back of his head. URD: Hey, I thought that only Japanese anime characters could pull that stunt! JACK: *Sweatdrop* I'm not Japanese. URD: Shut up, o useless bishounen. JACK: *Grinning evilly* Hotaru, you've got competition! Urd thinks that that I'm handsome! URD: I do not!!! >Makoto, feeling a lot better, sat down. KUNO: Yes, vomiting sure does help a lot, especially after all that liquor... NEPHRITE: I'm not going to ask how you know that. >They got to talking, and after five minutes, the second >American, JACK: And the English patient... >whose name was >Ryan, NEPHRITE: Cheap "Saving Private Ryan" joke here, but I'm not going to say it. URD: Why not? NEPHRITE: Never saw the movie. >said, "Is your friend ok?" He gestured at Haruka, who was on her >second JACK: Prostitute of the night. >vodka >shot and ogling more openly at the orange-haired girl. ALL MALES: *Drool at the orange-haired girl* URD: This is gonna hurt them more than me. *Fires a ki bolt at each male* ALL MALES: *Scream in pain, but stop drooling* >"What do you mean?" Makoto asked, puzzled. URD: A thousand-piece jigsaw? JACK: I have this sudden urge to play a game of Jixxa. >"I mean," he lowered his voice. "Is he gay?" ALL: *Burst out laughing* KUNO: *Laughing* She... hee hee hee... she's a le... ha ha ha... lesb... ah, ha ha ha ha... lesbian! Bwa, ha ha ha ha ha! >Makoto burst out laughing. It took two minutes to calm her down >enough to be >understood. "Why do you say that?" She finally asked. JACK: (American guy) Because he keeps trying to stick this piece of plastic up my ass. >"Because he keeps staring at me," said the first American, whose >name was Mark. KUNO: Mark Er. NEPHRITE: The Mark of the Beast. >Makoto laughed again. URD: Urd slept again. *Sleeps* NEPHRITE: Nephrite disco-danced again. KUNO: Kuno slapped Nephrite again. *Slaps Nephrite twice* JACK: Jack incinerated the theater again. TUXEDO FLAME BRAND! *The rings of fire rebound off the walls, incinerating anything that they come into contact with.* Sorry, guys! Didn't mean to do this much damage! URD: *Wakes up* Eeeuurgh... did someone turn up the heat in here? JACK: In a manner of speaking, yes... >"I don't think you get it. JACK: (British) No, no, I don't think so, no, no... no. >Haruka doesn't like men, if that's what you're asking," Makoto >pointed to the girl behind them. "I think Haruka is staring at >_that_." URD: That explosion of sex? NEPHRITE: Don't start, Urd. JACK: Urd, you're implying that an orgasm is occurring? KUNO: That orange dress _is_ rather brief. >Her voice dropped >in disgust. "Hey lady! Put a shirt on!" Makoto yelled at the >girl. >The girl gave her an annoyed look, stood, and left the building. MAGIC VOICE: (Announcer for concerts) Orange-dress girl has left the building! >Haruka walked over to Makoto (in a >surprisingly straight line for the amount of liquor she had >consumed) and sat down. KUNO: Upon Makoto's lap. NEPHRITE: The way things are going, I wouldn't be surprised. >"What the hell'd you do that for?" She asked rather lucidly SETSUNA: *Enters theater* Lucid Technologies - AT&T's new spinoff. JACK: And just why'd you come in here? SETSUNA: Riffing's fun. So sue me. JACK: I'll have my lawyer call yours. >while attempting to look >down Makoto's shirt. JACK: *Bends over and tries to look down Makoto's shirt* URD: *Glares* And I thought that I was a hentai... >Makoto glared at her. "Ooops!" Haruka laughed. URD: (Britney Spears) I did it again... >"Is he ok?" Mark whispered to Ryan. NEPHRITE: (Ryan as McCoy) He's dead, Mark. KUNO: (Mark as Kirk) But that's impossible! >"I'm fine!" Haruka said happily in English. >"You speak perfect English!" Ryan said in surprise. JACK: I thought that English was a language, not Perfect English. URD: There's also the King's English. >"Of course I do, you mother-fucking bastard," Haruka responded. ALL: O_O''' NEPHRITE: Whoa!!! KUNO: That is definitely not in character for Haruka. URD: You wanna bet? JACK: Actually... >The American >frowned and made as if to hit her, and Haruka turned to Makoto >and asked anxiously, >"Didn't I get it right?" >Makoto turned to Haruka and said, "They think you like men, >Haruka." Haruka cracked up >completely, then grabbed Michiru's hand and brought her over to >sit on the taller girl's >lap. "There. All better now," Haruka said happily, playing >Michiru's hair. URD: So the sea nymph's hair is a musical instrument now? JACK: Probably the harp. Luna and Amy both play it beautifully. URD: Michiru plays the violin, you know, and Haruka plays the piano. Perhaps there could be a concert arranged once we all get off of this satellite. JACK: Magic Voice? MAGIC VOICE: Not up to me, sorry. Ask the populace who are folowing your exploits. >"They thought Haruka liked men," Makoto explained. Michiru >laughed as well. >"So, how old are you?" The bartender asked. URD: (Pissed) Never ask a a woman her age!!! *Fires a ki bolt at the fic. It rebounds... and Jack blocks it with his body.* Whoops... sorry. JACK: *Coughs smoke* No problem. Remind me to flee next time. >Setsuna had had a drink and was more than ready to tell him the >truth. "I'm over a >thousand years old. I'm as old as time itself," Setsuna said in >her saucy yet elegant >voice, toying with a lock of the bartender's hair. NEPHRITE: Whoa... lemon alert! KUNO: *Imitates klaxon* SETSUNA: Hey, that's not true! I wouldn't screw a bartender, for Kami-sama's sake! >"Really?" The bartender asked. >"At this point, everyone in the bar could tell the bartender was >totally smashed," said >the omnipotent narrator. JACK: You hear something, you guys? *Others shake their heads "no"* I swear... these fics are getting stranger and stranger. >"Did you hear that?" Minako asked the American whose lap she was >sitting on. He >shook his head. URD: Whoa... talk about life paralling art! >"I'm thirty-two," said the bartender. Setsuna smiled. >"Infant," she laughed, then said, "I haven't gotten any in over >three hundred years." The >bartender laughed before realising she wasn't laughing. >"Hm..." He took her hand and pulled her behind the bar. ALL: *Scream* JACK: Lemon!!! AIEEEE!!! KUNO: Shimatta! *Spits* NEPHRITE: Hey, watch it! *Wipes Kuno's spit off of him* URD: *Sits back and breaks out the dark glasses* SETSUNA: *Winces and shades her eyes* Not this... >"Enough on that," said in the omnipotent narrator again. "Cut to >Usagi and Mamoru." NEPHRITE: *Sigh* Lemon alert cancelled. KUNO: Of course, since Mamoru and Usagi are dating with each other, it is quite likely that they're "doing the hibbidy-dibbidy" as well. NEPHRITE: *Groan* Don't remind me. >"Oh Mamo-chan! I want...that!" She pointed at Haruka's new shot >of vodka which Haruka >was ignoring. She had Michiru. JACK: Holy f(BLEEP)cking s(BLEEP)it, will the sex references never stop? SETSUNA: But you're a hentai! JACK: I'm trying to cut back. And that's from a girl who just did a bartender? SETSUNA: I didn't do him, I tell you! >"Um...ok!" Mamoru said, thinking as most very very drunk >adolescent and >post-adolescent guys do. He got three for her, just missing >seeing Setsuna and the >bartender going at it. *An image of Setsuna and the bartender doing the hibbidy-dibbidy flashes on screen* NEPHRITE AND KUNO: AAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! SETSUNA: I look like _that_ when I make love? Geez... JACK: *Nosebleed* URD: Not bad. I've seen better, though. >He handed one to her. "Here!" Usagi drank all three of them very >quickly, making faces as the vodka went down. She grabbed Mamoru >and began kissing >him passionately. NEPHRITE: Looks like there's another sex act beginning now. JACK: (Triple H) In this very ring-a... >Ami had had one sip of Michiru's daquiri and was now standing on >the table, minus a >shirt and a pair of stockings (but curiously enough, not the >shoes), dancing with three >guys at once. Her hair was mussed and she realised she didn't >know any of these guys' >names, but the logical part of her mind which would ordinarnily >tell her this was a bad >thing had spontaneously combusted half an hour ago. ALL: *Burst out laughing or stare slack-jawed at the screen, depending on how long they'd been on the Satellite* SETSUNA: Hee hee hee... ah, ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! URD: That's just wrong, man. NEPHRITE: I don't believe it! She'd never do that! KUNO: *Eyes bug out* You know, she _does_ look a little like Akane-sama when she's drunk... JACK: I have _got_ to get a picture of this. *Activates the laptop's built-in digital camera and takes a shot* Man, she's gonna be red in the face when she sees this. >She was having the time of her >life, drunk as could be from that one little sip of Michiru's >drink. JACK: Sounds like Shinji in "Body Heat". SETSUNA: Don't even remind me of theat lemon. Skuld would have had a fit. >"Oh Mamo-chan!" "Oh Usa-ko!" NEPHRITE: Oh, great. >"Oh get a room! Don't you know it's dangerous to use your whole >vocabulary in one >sentance?" The omnipotent narrator griped. KUNO: Methinks I heard the Fourth Wall shattering. >Rei pushed the cueball and it hit the orange ball, sending it >flying towards the pocket. JACK: And the American it hit suffered severe testicular damage. >She cheered as it dropped in, happy again. She took a sip of the >American she was >playing with's gin, wiped her mouth, and heard Usagi and Mamoru >from halfway across >the room. URD: Dear God, are they _that_ loud? SETSUNA: Yeah. I can hear them from my room in the palace when they do the hibbidy-dibbidy. >She rolled her eyes. "Oh Mamo-chan!" "Oh Mako-chan!" >"WHAT?!" ALL: NANI?!? JACK: What the f(BLEEP)ck? SETSUNA: She _wouldn't_... URD: This is most unexpected. KUNO: Hey, that was my line! >The omnipotent narrator grinned as the storyline changed for the >better. NEPHRITE: And Nephrite left the theater as the plot got even worse. *Exits theater* JACK: How'd he _do_ that?!? >"What are you talking about?" Minako laughed at the silly >American, trying to >understand Japanese but being so drunk he was getting even >'thank you' and 'no thank >you' mixed up. "No, thank you is arigatoh!" She leaned back on >her human bed, four men >all sitting still, holding her weight up. She grinned furiously. URD: O_o''' *Faints* SETSUNA: What, she's never been on four men at once? JACK: I'm not going to ask... SETSUNA: They were carrying me to the throne room on a trolley. JACK: *Sighs in relief* Oh, okay. >"Too scared to sing, Mako-chan?" Haruka sked, grinning wickedly >as she downed >another vodka. KUNO: And this one was laced with cyanide. >"'Course not!" Mako-chan retaliated and stood up. She >straightened her skirt and >climbed up on the stage where she began singing 'White Rabbit'. >She did quite well and >was followed by a _very_ drunken American who sang 'Blue Moon'. SETSUNA: Ironically, he sounded just like the mice from "Babe". JACK: (British guy) Give it your best shot, mouse balls! SETSUNA: *Mimics a gunshot* MAGIC VOICE: The obligatory "Man Who Knew Too Little" sketch, ladies and gentlemen. >It was then that >Michiru climbed up on the stage and sang (with a wink to Haruka) >'Natural Woman'. >Haruka applauded the loudest of them all. Michiru sat back down >on Haruka's lap and >they began kissing. Soon things became very heated, and Michiru >took Haruka's jacket >off, then began unbuttoning her shirt. Haruka's bra began >showing, and Ryan's eyes >began bugging out. JACK: I am _so_ glad Hotaru's not in here right now. This would scar her for life. KUNO: It's scarred me for life as is! >He hit Mark on the arm until the other American turned, followed >by >Makoto. Makoto blushed, and the two Americans gaped at the two >women going at it. >"I've never had so much fun!" Ami yelled over the music. KUNO: Oh, gods, she's joined in the orgy? >Two other Americans had >arrived at the bar, and seeing the little water nymph on the >table, had decided to join >in the three already dancing with her. She was giggling in glee. >Minako and Rei, the only >two senshi in the bar who were remotely sober, looked at her >from across the room, >laughing hysterically. Finally, Rei pulled out her camera and >captured the moment >forever. JACK: Just like I did earlier. >"Oh Setsuna!" The bartender cried. SETSUNA: *Turns red, fumes* JACK AND KUNO: *Gaze intently at the screen* This should be good. URD: *Wakes up* Uuuurrrrgh.... >"For not having gotten any in so long, you sure are >good at it!" Setsuna just grinned, and turned to the man while >smoothing her hair. >"What did you say your name was again?" "Harry." URD: Potter? KUNO: Dick. JACK: Not that again! SETSUNA: SHUT UP!!!!! >"Harry," she sighed, laying her head on his chest. The >omnipotent narrator was very >glad for the black tape that keeps this fic rated PG-13. JACK: Yeah, well, fat lot of good that does us since Beryl destroyed the censoring device! KUNO: Still, though, it seems nice to get free porno. JACK: You didn't ever read "Fit to be Tied", did you? >"WHAT'D YOU MEAN, 'MAKO-CHAN'?!" Usagi yelled. >"Er..." Mamoru groped for a response (as well as for some other >things, don'tcha know). SETSUNA: Never fails. Evade the question with his "horny powers". >"And I suppose those earrings have nothing to do with it, huh?! >What, d'you two play >'Tuxedo Makoto' or something?!" Mamoru gaped. KUNO: (Mamoru) Wow, how'd you know? >"How did you kn-I mean, of course not! ALL: O_O''' URD: That seems so wrong, but somehow it's right. JACK: Lita in a tuxedo... *drools* SETSUNA: Eeeeewww! You're cleaning that up. >You're the one I want to be with, Usa-ko. >Usa-ko? Usa-ko...?" The young senshi had fallen asleep. >"Oh dear..." Mako-chan trailed off as Haruka's shirt came off. >The smaller girl was >currently straddling Haruka and things were getting worse and >worse. >"Looks like we were right...in...a...sense..." Ryan told Mark as >they gaped ayt Haruka and >Michiru and Makoto tried not to see what was going on. >"Get 'em a room!" Called the omnipotent narrator. URD: For once, I'm gonna agree with the author. JACK: I second that. >"I swear I'm hearing something coming from the ceiling!" Minako >said. KUNO: (American) It's called the speaker system! >The American >giving her a backrub shrugged and got back to work while the >other three (who were >exceedingly drunk) lit incense and bowed to the great Minako >goddess. Minako grinned in >pleasure. "Oh well," Minako said, and went back to enjoying her >backrub. SETSUNA: All hail Minako, goddess of ditziness. KUNO: Wasn't that Usagi, though? SETSUNA: Time-share and such. You get the drift. >Rei was having a grand time; she had beaten five Americans who >had recently arrived >at pool, then darts, and now they were buying her drinks. And >Ami was making a >complete and utter fool of herself after one drink! And Rei had >the moment captured on >film! It was too good to be true, simply unbelieveable. ALL: (Deep and flat voices) Well, believe it. >Ami was now sitting at the bar, URD: Slipping off of the stool due to her drunkenness. JACK: Something I've done many a time. >having a real drink with some of the Americans; >scotch. KUNO: (Mike Myers) If it's nae Scottish, it's CRAHP! >And was she ever loopy! SETSUNA: Loop the loop the loop the loop the loop... JACK: I'm getting dizzy here... >No one would have thought it was the same Ami they >knew except Rei, who was the only one really paying attention. KUNO: Because she was the only one who wasn't drunk off her ass. JACK: Ah, the memories.. >"And the longest," URD: *Opens mouth* SETSUNA: Urd, if you make one sex joke about Amy, she and I will get medieval on your ass when we get out of the theater. URD: You're just lucky I don't have most of my powers. >-hiccup- " word in the English," -hiccup- "language is," - >hiccup- ALL: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! KUNO: And what of pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis? JACK: Shut up, Kuno. >"pneumonoultramicrosc," -hiccup- "opicsilicovolca," -hiccup- >"nokoniosis!" -hiccup- "It >has a total of," -hiccup- "forty-five letters!" -hiccup. JACK: Hey, the fic's drunk! >"Wow...you're smart!" The group of Americans sitting around her >chorused. >"Um, dearest, pay attention!" ALL: Nani? SETSUNA: What's the scene changing to now, a clean diaper? >"Mmm? Why?" Haruka buried her head back in Michiru's neck. KUNO: LEMON OFF THE PORT BOW! JACK: *Imitates klaxon* KUNO: (Picard) Fire torpedoes! JACK: *Imitates quantum torpedo launcher firing three times* SETSUNA: (Worf) No effect, captain. URD: (Data) Sir, I'm picking up a friendly signal... KUNO: (Picard) Damn. One less ship to destroy. Oh, well, hail them. >"Because the Americans are watching us and their shoes are going >to be ruined by >their own drool if we don't stop!" SETSUNA: *Lifts shoes* EEEEEWWW!!! Jack, I just replicated these! JACK: Sorry! Geez, I'll replicate you some new ones! >"Oh. Damn." Haruka stopped and leaned back, then buttoned her >shirt and let Michiru zip >her skirt up. ALL: *Sigh in relief* >The omnipotent narrator sighed in relief. URD: FRICKIN' MIND-PROBING FICS!!!!! *Attacks fic with ki bolts. Jack again takes the heat...* >"Where's my vodka?" Haruka asked loudly. >"Harry, it's been great, but I've had enough. Besides," Setsuna >said sweetly, "You have >orders." KUNO: She's screwing Harry Potter now? JACK: One would hope not. >"Oh, so I do," Harry said, pulling his pants up. JACK: *Sees the women staring at Harry's... erm.... genitalia...* Ladies? Hello, ladies??? *Waves hand in front of their eyes* Damn. >Setsuna kissed him goodbye and went to >go find someone else to sleep with. SETSUNA: *Snaps out of haze* DAMN ALEXA!!!! CALLING ME A SLUT!!! *Head explodes, flinging mini-Time Keys everywhere. It reassembles.* Wow... JACK: So you can do that too? SETSUNA: Apparently. KUNO: Whoa... Jack, your head can explode? JACK: Yeah, like so. *Head explodes, flinging York Peppermint Patties everywhere. It reassembles.* KUNO: Ah. Just wondering. >These Americans seemed to have no problem with >casual gratuitous sex, she noticed. JACK: Neither do I! >Eventually, they all left. It was two o-clock in the morning and >they were all very >very drunk except for Makoto and Setsuna. It was agreed that >since Haruka had been >teaching Makoto to drive, she would drive Haruka's car back to >the outers' house and >spend the night there. Setsuna would drive the inner senshi and >Mamoru minus Makoto >and Ami to Usagi's house. Ami had gone home with the five >Americans, presumeably >*wink wink* study *wink wink*. ALL: *Jaws hit the floor and eyes bug out a la Jim Carrey in "The Mask"* JACK: (Janice from "Friends") Oh... my... God... >"Oh, my head!" SETSUNA AND JACK: Yeah, my head hurts! >"How many shots did you have, dearest?" Michiru asked the taller >senshi. KUNO: (Haruka) Well, I took about ten bullets to the chest, and eight more to the *DING*... JACK: O_O''' >"I dunno...close to twenty?" KUNO: (Haruka) Yeah, got any Band-Aids and some blood bags? >Michiru's jaw dropped. "You shouldn't have so much. Why are you >going into the >garage?" URD: (Haruka) To get my chainsaw and massacre you all! Now shut up! I've got a hangover the size of Ted Kennedy's *DING*!!! JACK: Must be really tiny, then. SETSUNA: And just _how_ do you know this? JACK: Don't ask. A little bribery goes a long way in Washington. >"I gotta go get Ami-chan from the scary Americans...I can't >believe I got so drunk >Mako-chan had to drive us home...DAMMIT! MAKO-CHAN! YOU >SCRATCHED MY CAR!" SETSUNA: (Meowth) It was only a Scratch... KUNO: So Haruka's Jessie now? JACK: That was just wrong. Let's get out of here. *Exeunt all* (Reverse door sequence) (SoS bridge. The whole crew is there, sitting on the couches and chairs...) SETSUNA: And just why is everybody here? JACK: Erm... I think the non-conspirators have found out about the ship... KODACHI: *Arms whip* RANMA: *Cracks knuckles* JACK: Oh, s(BLEEP)t... *Klaxons flash and lights blare, and the teleporter teleports the original riffers into the theater* RANMA: Just punishment. They've got FANFIC SIIIIIIGN!!!!! (Door sequence version 114.5) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: Link from the ORIGINAL "Legend of Zelda". He moves aside. Door 4: Ganon from "Link to the Past". Link vanquishes him and you continue onwards. Door 3: A bottle of a rare red wine. Setsuna picks it up and stores in in Hammerspace. Door 2: Five medium-rare steaks on a grill. Jack loads them onto a platter and you all continue. Door 1: Five baked potatoes. Rini and Amy gather them up and you all enter into the theater. (SoS Theater. Seating order from left to right: Rini, Hotaru, Jack, Setsuna, Amy.) RINI: Weird about all the food being in the hallways. MAGIC VOICE: Oh, it's no secret. I'm giving you five a celebratory dinner. See, your next episode will be your fifteenth, and there's a little surprise for you there... SETSUNA: We're going home? MAGIC VOICE: (Deadpan) Not a chance in hell. (Normal) We're cutting the cast, and you five plus one other person will be the only people remaining on the Satellite after New Year's Day. As usual, more people will be cycling through the Satellite, more bad reviews will be posted, I'll get more flames, and you'll be riffing more fics in spite of it. ALL: *Curse and swear wildly* MAGIC VOICE: Oh, shut up and I'll tell you the fic that you'll be reading. ALL: *Shut up and listen eagerly but warily* MAGIC VOICE: "Quit Pining Over Ifurita" by Shinji Ikari the 10 o' Clock Assassin. RINI: There is no god, and I'm sure of it now. MAGIC VOICE: Relax! It's only a fic! >**************** ALL: *Singing* When you wish upon a star... HOTARU: Maybe the fic'll stop. JACK: One can only hope. >Author's notes: OK, I had to rake my backyard today, and I >thought up this >idea SETSUNA: (Author) Crappy idea - sorry, forgot to mention the "crappy" part. >after my leafblower blew a fuse and vibrated JACK, AMY, AND RINI: *Snicker wildly* HOTARU: Oh, god... no... SETSUNA: Using a lawn and garden tool as a sex toy? I never thought of that... >my hands to death. HOTARU: Thank Kami-sama. KAMI-SAMA: (O.S.) You're welcome. HOTARU: *Imitates a drum riff* >If you think it's stupid, too bad for you. AMY: (Soup Nazi) No fic for you! >I was very annoyed and had to write SOMETHING. JACK: Write "I will not rake my backyard" ten thousand times by hand, then, and don't use copy and paste! >Disclaimer: I own noone. ALL: *Stare* AMY: That has _got_ to be the shortest disclaimer in all history. HOTARU: No argument here. >The Menial Task Machine Episode 1: Too Many Leaves ~or~ >Thank Goodness for Chibi-Usa JACK: First time I've heard that since we beat Beryl. RINI: Shut up! *THWAP THWAP* >by Sailor Scully SETSUNA: (Mamoru as Mulder) The fics are out there, Uscully. AMY: (Usagi as Scully) Unfortunately, Mamulder, so are the bad guys. >(Scene: a room in the crystal palace of 30th century tokyo. JACK: So Shinseiki Evangelion was just fiction, after all? RINI: Yep! Though we did have a bit of a problem with the Juraians... >All nine senshi are sitting around the room chatting about >various >things, HOTARU: Wow, a various thing! Isn't it cool? >when Queen Serenity walks in with Chibi-Usa. JACK: Waaaaait a minute... _nine_ Senshi? There are ten, _counting_ Sailor Moon and Chibi-Usa! AMY: Sounds like someone had gotten into my cloning equipment! >She has an angry expression on her face.) >SERENITY: All right, this isn't funny. Who put the fish in my >water bed?? ALL: *Snicker snicker* >MICHIRU: *snickers* RINI: *Laughs uncontrollably* JACK: Uh... Rini? SETSUNA: Oh... my... God... HOTARU: AMY! GET THE TRANQUILIZER RIFLE!!! AMY: *Whips the rifle out of Hammerspace and shoots Rini with a dart. She collapses, unconscious.* JACK: You don't think... >*Chibi-Usa begins to laugh. ALL: SHE _DID!_ AMY: Evil Scully, writing Rini into the fic like that! HOTARU: Here. *Pulls out a small device and flips a switch* This'll protect us from the ever-changing plot contrivances in these fics. JACK: Thank God. Of course, I'm not in it, so... >Soon all the senshi are on the floor rolling with laughter. ALL: *Look down at floor* HOTARU: I'd hate to be rolling in that crud. >Suddenly the telecommunicator on the wall lights up, revealing >someone we >all hate a lot.* JACK: The Backstreet Boys! HOTARU: Hanson! RINI: *Wakes up* Uuuuurrrrgghh... SETSUNA: Alexa and C.B.! AMY: Wha... SETSUNA: To make a long story short, they made me get it on with a bartender in the last fic and they also had a gratuitous sex scene with Usagi and Mamoru... and "Tuxedo Makoto". AMY: They finally found out, did they? JACK: And to make matters worse, look what they did to you! *Passes Amy the photo of Amy dancing on the table, drunk, half-naked, and with five Americans around her* AMY: (Pissed off) What... the... F(BLEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!)CK!!!!!! HOW DARE SHE?!?!? >MINAKO: Beryl! but aren't you dead? RINI: Uh-oh... Casper flashback. HOTARU: (Kerrigan) Come on, Jeeves! It won't hurt... much! >BERYL: In your dreams. *Minako glares at her* Serenity, tell >Endymion >to give me the golden crystal SETSUNA: Someone needs to see the palace. It's the friggin' Ginzuishou, which translates - by DiC - to "Silver Imperium Crystal", not a f(BLEEP)ckin' "golden crystal"! >now, or else. ALL: *Grinning* Or else what? >SERENITY: *smirks* or else what? >BERYL: OK, you asked for it. Saffiru, hit it!! JACK: (Beryl) DO THE HUSTLE! HOTARU: (Beryl) Turn on the Hanson tape! RINI: (Beryl as the guy from "Pulp Fiction") Send out the gimp! SETSUNA: (Beryl as Dr. F.) Send them the fanfic, Saffiru! ALL OTHERS: *Scream* >*A beam of purple light hits the nine senshi and chibi-Usa, >causing them to disappear. JACK: So Serenity's the only one left in the room? HOTARU: You forget, someone got into Amy's cloning gear. Now there's an eleventh Senshi. JACK: Ah. >Now only Serenity and Endymion who just entered the room are >left.* HOTARU: See? >SERENITY: What have you done with them?? RINI: (Eerily good Beryl) Just tortured them to death with bad fanfics and cheesy movies. Care to join them? JACK: Rini, stop joking about that. I mean it. SETSUNA: Your time on the SoL didn't do you any good, did it? >BERYL: They're right here. *smirks and turns the camera towards AMY: The wall, where Zoisite and Malachite could be seen watching a porno flick! JACK: (Beryl) Whoops, wrong way... >another screen, where the senshi are standing in the middle of a >huge >field SETSUNA: Eeeep! Lemon Wing flashback! JACK: What, you remember the plains of Thigh, the Breast mountain, and the Pubic forest? SETSUNA: NOW I do! *THWAP* >covered with leaves. Only Makoto is standing in front of the >camera, HOTARU: And one'll get you ten she's cussing out Beryl. JACK: Here's my money. >screaming curses at Beryl* JACK: Pay up, honey. HOTARU: *Whispers something in his ear* And that's when and where you'll get your payment, dear. JACK: *Eyes light up and he grins* SETSUNA: Sounds like Gomez and Morticia over there are gonna get some tonight. AMY: I'm not going to argue. >You'll get them right back if you give me RINI: (Beryl) A good check for ten thousand dollars! AMY: A Sega Genesis with 32X and Sega CD add-ons! JACK: How about an end to this fanfic? HOTARU: We can only hope. >the crystal. Otherwise, they'll be doing meaningless chores for >the rest >of their lives!! AMY: Kinda like what we're doing up here. We're making meaningless jokes for the rest of our lives. MAGIC VOICE: Or until the end of the season... DAMMIT! SPOILERS!!! >ENDYMION: I'll never give you the crystal! *shuts off the >camera* SETSUNA: 'Cause he didn't want what he was doing broadcast over the 'net. JACK: You're not making a masturbation joke, are you? SETSUNA: NO!!! He's filling out a tax return!!! PERVERT! *CLANG!!!* >(Scene: the field of leaves. It is about half the length of JACK: Ted Kennedy's *DING*. HOTARU: Must be pretty small, then. JACK: I'm not going to ask _how_ you know _that_. > football field, covered in about half a foot of leaves. RINI: That would explain the tenth Senshi... Sailor Scully's doing a cameo as Magic Voice. MAGIC VOICE: I resent that! I'm a normal version of Tuxedo Jack! ALL: *Stare at Jack* JACK: Erm... I have nothing to do with him, okay? >round the field are blank metal walls, except for one door and a >communicator wall, which Beryl now turns on) AMY: This reeks of "Tomorrow Never Dies". >BERYL: Ah, my little slaves. SETSUNA: (Beryl as Dr. F.) Ah, my little lab rats. How ya doing? JACK: (Joel) Pretty good, Dr. F. You? SETSUNA: (Beryl as Dr. F.) Great. I've got a doozy of a movie for you... Hey! I made a rhyme! >Well. You're in another dimension, on my creation, SETSUNA: The Nega-Football Field! RINI: The Nega-Soccer Field! AMY: The Nega-Locker Room! HOTARU: O_o JACK: The Satellite of Senshi? ALL OTHERS: *Go berserk and beat Jack unconscious* >the menial task machine! MAGIC VOICE: Close enough. >Guess what you'll be doing for the next ten years! SETSUNA: Launching nuclear weapons at terrorists? RINI: (Beryl) Nope, guess again. HOTARU: Raking leaves? RINI: (Beryl) Close, but no cigar. AMY: I've got it! Changing your diapers! RINI: We could have done without that, Amy. Geez... a lemon with Beryl... Now that's just wrong. >HARUKA: Lemme guess. We have to rake this pile of crap. HOTARU: (Beryl) Damn right! Wow, you're smart! >BERYL: You got it! Give the girl a prize, Rubeus! RINI: (Bob Barker) A neeew car! >*Rubeus presses a button and a very small rake appears in front >of >Haruka. Haruka glares daggers at Beryl* JACK: *Wakes up* Whee... that was fuuun... SETSUNA: And Haruka uses "Space Sword Blaster" on Beryl for a total of 416 damage points. Beryl retaliates with "Evil Surge" for 9999 damage. MAGIC VOICE: The "Sailor Moon: Another Story" RPG short, ladies and gentlemen. In case you're wondering, I have the game as a SNES ROM and I'll be glad to give it to you. >BERYL: I'm sure you're wondering why the real four generals >aren't >here. JACK: Let's see... we killed Jadeite, Nephrite's here with us, Beryl blew up Zoisite, and Malachite was killed by his own weapons. HOTARU: Ask me if I care. >HOTARU: Actually, we couldn't care less. HOTARU: WHAT THE F(BLEEP)CK!?!? ALL OTHERS: *Facefault* >*other senshi snicker while Beryl does a face vault* RINI: And the American judge gives Beryl a 8.9! AMY: (TV Sports announcer from Nagano) She'll have to do better than that to get into the finals, folks. >BERYL: I got sick of them messing up, so I hired from the Black >Moon >this time. Here with me now are Rubeus, Saffiru, Demando, and >Esmeraude. JACK: That _does_ sound like the original four. I mean, Zoisite and Esmeraude do have the same annoying laugh. >ESMERAUDE: Hi minna!!! ALL: (Yelling and waving) Go to hell, minna! >HOTARU: *to ChibiUsa* I thought I said we don't care? HOTARU: (To Rini) I thought I said we don't care? RINI: Erm... Hotaru... are you okay? HOTARU: Did I just ape the fic? ALL OTHERS: *Nod* HOTARU: *Checks device* Crap! The batteries are dying! JACK: Hotaru, what does it use? HOTARU: Six double-A batteries. Got any? JACK: Lemme look... *Extracts a Game Boy Color and a palmtop PC from Hammerspace* Here's four... though I'm not too sure about the Game Boy's battery charge... HOTARU: It'll have to do. Anyone else? ALL OTHERS: *Shake their heads negatively* HOTARU: Here goes! *Reactivates the device. Nothing happens* ALL SENSHI: S(BLEEP)IT!!! JACK: You're screwed, people. Good luck beating this one. >MAKOTO: *begins to fall asleep and starts snoring* >BERYL: *zaps Hotaru and Makoto with staticky purple lightning >bolts, >courtesy of Emperor Palpatine* HOTARU: *Is fried by the lightning bolts* Ow... *coughs a puff of smoke* JACK: Erm... *Hands Hotaru a light bulb. She puts it in her mouth and it starts to glow a la Uncle Fester* >Ok. Well anyways, my lowly peasants, you have ten tasks to >perform, >unless your king gives me the golden crystal. ALL: WHICH HE NEVER WILL. >If you ever finish a task, one of you will get to go home (which >I >highly doubt). RINI: (Beryl) Because I need some maids for my castle, and you'll do good work for free. >Obviously, your first task is to rake these leaves and get rid >of >them! Now get to work! *rakes appear in front of the rest of the >senshi, and the screen shuts off* JACK: Brace yourselves! *Rakes fall into the Senshi's laps* Told you so. *Is immediately pelted with four rakes* >HARUKA: D'oh! SETSUNA: Simpson, Haruka Simpson, she's the greatest gal in history... HOTARU: From the town of Tokyo, she's about to hit a chestnut tree. >CHIBIUSA: Heh heh. I guess Beryl forgot one thing. RINI: *Pulls out _BIG_ gun* This better not involve my little collection or the theater's gonna get nuked. >SETSUNA: What's that? >CHIBIUSA: I have my Luna-P! It can turn into a leaf-blower so we >can get done really quick! RINI: *Hides the gun* Okay. I thought it was the _other_ thing the Luna-P could turn into. JACK: Which is? RINI: A vibr... HEY! SHUT UP! >REI: Hey yeah! and I can use my fire to burn them when we've >raked them! AMY: Isn't there some sort of ordinance against that? >AMI: I suggest that half of us begin at one end and half at the >other, and we meet in the middle. >MICHIRU: We're so smart, and Beryl's so dumb. Ha. We'll be out >of here >in no time. HOTARU: Sure. And flying pigs play croquet on the Satellite's bridge every Friday morning. >*The outer senshi run to one end of the field, and the inners to >the other with ChibiUsa. She pulls out her leaf-blower, and the >rest of them transform, because they're stronger when they're >transformed. JACK: (Singing) Transformers... Senshi in disguise. RINI: SHUT UP AND HELP US!!! *Just like in the fic, Rini and Amy are on the left side of the theater while Hotaru and Setsuna are on the right.* JACK: Oh, all right. *Pulls Amy and Setsuna into their seats and ties them down to prevent any more accidents* >Thanks to the senshi's quick thinking, the leaves are raked >within >the hour into a five foot high pile.* RINI: HELP US!!! JACK: I'm coming, I'm coming! Gimme a minute! *Cinches Amy's ropes tight* >HOTARU: LeAf PiLe!!! *Runs and jumps in the large pile* >CHIBIUSA: YaY!! *joins Hotaru* JACK: Oh, no!!! *Rini and Hotaru jump towards each other at a run... and collide in midair head-first. They fall to the floor unconscious.* Shimatta. AMY: Ack! Torgo's here! >*The other senshi look at each other for about two seconds, them >they join >ChibiUsa and Hotaru in the leaf pile, throwing leaves at one >another and >having a good time.* >MAKOTO: *throws leaves at Haruka* Take that! SETSUNA: (Kuno as Makoto) Take that, o knave who seeks to steal my Akane! >HARUKA: *Throws them back but hits Michiru instead* oOpS. SETSUNA AND AMY: Simpson, Torgo Simpson... JACK: Okay, stop right there. >*swetdrops as Michiru gets very mad* >MICHIRU: *Tackles Haruka ALL: *Imitate klaxon* LEMON SIIIIIGN!!!! >and begins stuffing leaves down her shirt* Take that! and That! >and >some of this! AMY: Whoa, Haruka, visiting the buffet again? That's your sixth time tonight! >HARUKA: AHh! Thats itchy! *pulls leaves out and stuffs them down >Michiru's shirt* >MICHIRU: I know what you mean! AHH!!! gettemout gettemout! >*haruka slowly >pulls them all out of Michirus shirt, having fun tormenting her* >Thats ITCHY!!! JACK: No, that's a lime. >SETSUNA: *flops back and sighs. bits of leaves are stuck all >over her >hair* SETSUNA: Crap. *In a second, her hair is covered in leaf shards* I'm gonna have words with Scully. >Ok, lets get out of here. *everyone climbs out of the leaves* >Rei, >light 'em up! AMY: NEVER say "light 'em up!" to a pyro like Raye. >REI: Fire...SOUL! *Leaves ignite and burn up within minutes.* >*all the senshi detransform and flop on the ground, sighing >happily, JACK: They're grateful that the fic's nearly over. >when suddenly Beryl comes on screen again* ALL: (Singing a la the MST3K Theme) In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere in time and space, The MTM and its occupants Are caught in an endless chase! Pursued by a woman whose name's Beryl An evil gal who wants to rule the world... JACK: Okay, that sucks. Screw it. >BERYL: OK, whatever. AMY: Beryl's a valley girl! >Next time it won't be so easy...'cuz I'm taking Chibi-Usa! JACK: I'd be cheering right now, but Rini's waking up. >*ChibiUsa disappears, and all other senshi sigh exasperatedly* >MINAKO: Now why'd you have to go and do that? SETSUNA: (Dr. Evil) Because I'm evil. Got a problem with that? >BERYL: I'm evil. What do you expect? You can leave the field >until >I prepare your next menial chore. DEMANDO!! RINI: (Beryl as Dr. F.) Push the button, Demando! >*Demando hits a button and the door opens. All senshi sigh in >relief >as the door opens, revealing nine bedrooms, a kitchen, a lounge, >and a >large bathroom. AMY: Yet there's only eight Senshi there... HOTARU: We've done that joke to death. Put it out of its misery here. >There are a few other closed doors as well that the senshi are >afraid >to open. JACK: One of them's Beryl's private dungeon, no doubt. >Beryl pops onto the screen in the lounge.* >MINAKO: Aren't you ever going to leave us alone? >BERYL: Why? Don't you love me anymore? RINI: (Crow T. Robot) I hate you! You're not my real mother! >MINAKO: *facevaults* >BERYL: Now, sweeties, I've just contacted Endymion, and he's not >giving >up anything. So you'll just have to continue your meaningless >tasks! >MICHIRU: Ahh, switch off. *turns off camera, giving everyone a >very quick >view of Beryl with a very mad expression on her face* HOTARU: Nothing we didn't see every day when she was alive. >MAKOTO: Thank the Lord thats over. *Flops onto a sofa in the >lounge* SETSUNA: Yeah, right! This is the first of a ten-part series! JACK: Ten parts?!? >HOTARU: I'm hungry. *goes into the kitchen* lets see.....wow, >we've >got lots of stuff. HOTARU: Body whipped cream.... chocolate syrup... ooh! M&Ms! JACK: They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. HOTARU: Unlike you. JACK: 0_0'' >Anyone else want a gordita? or some lime Jell-o? yum yum. ALL: BARF BARF. >(That night. Most of the senshi are in the lounge, except >Hotaru, >who is still in the kitchen) HOTARU: God, she's making me out to be a glutton! >HARUKA: *stands up and stretches* I'm going to bed. >MICHIRU: *jumps off her chair* me too!! *runs after Haruka* AMY: Oh, boy. Lemons galore come forth. >AMI: I am going to bed as well. Who knows what chore Beryl the >Brainless will have us doing tomorrow, and without ChibiUsa >it'll >be even harder. >MAKOTO: hee hee...Beryl the Brainless....*snickers* >SETSUNA: I think I see what Beryl is doing. She takes the most >helpful >person out of here. But if any of us try not to be helpful we'll >be here >forever. But these menial tasks are horrible. I think the only >way to survive >them is to have fun, like when we played in the leaves today. >Otherwise we'll >die of boredom. SETSUNA: Hey, how did you think we survived these fics? Surely not by sleeping through them. JACK: Ah, were we able to... that would have made it so much better. >MINAKO: What does she do once she takes someone out of here? >SETSUNA: They're kept in a cell in Beryl's hideout, where she >tortures >them for fun. ALL: O_O RINI: WHOA!!! HOTARU: I did _not_ want to know that. SETSUNA: Looks like you were right, Jack. JACK: I wasn't trying to be right... I think. >REI: oh, FUN. Well, I suggest that the rest of us go to bed >too. >*the rest of the senshi leave the lounge and go into their >respective >bedrooms, leaving Hotaru alone in the kitchen. >HOTARU: Waaaaah! Setsuna-mama I'm afraid to be alone! >*Setsuna runs out, takes the Jello out of Hotaru's hand, and >escorts her to bed.* HOTARU: Yeah... Jack, would you carry me to bed tonight? JACK: Sure. >END NOTES: Did you like it? ALL: (Sarcastically) We loved it! Write more! >I hope so. AMY: She just don't get it, does she? >Stay tuned for the next episode, Beryl the Brainless ~or~ Stop >Snowing! Please! JACK: Snow? What's snow? SETSUNA: You don't know what snow is? JACK: Hey, I grew up in Texas. Gimme a break. HOTARU: Um... the fic's over. *Exeunt all* (Reverse door sequence) (SoS Bridge. Ranma and Kodachi are decorating a noble fir tree, and Urd and Nephrite are loading wheelbarrows of wrapped presents under the tree and occasionally hanging an ornament or two.) RINI: *Enters with the others* Ooh, pretty! JACK: What's going on, guys? You're not still pissed over the escape attempt, are you? KUNO: No. We've decided, that since it is Christmastide, that we shall forgive your grievious error and continue with normal life here. Eggnog? *Offers the newcomers a cup* SETSUNA: Thanks... *Takes a cup and sits down on the couch* It's really Christmas? It seems like Thanksgiving just passed! URD: Yeah, time flies when you're on a friggin' Satellite. Anyway, no hard feelings about the ship. Care to join us? NEPHRITE: Yeah, we could use the help in hanging greenery. JACK AND HOTARU: Sure! RINI: Count me in! SETSUNA: Oh, why not? Amy? How about you? AMY: Sure, it'll be fun! *All get to work decorating and doing various holiday tasks. A mere three hours later, the tree, bridge, and kitchen are decorated, tasty treats have been baked, and a good fire has been kindled in the bridge fireplace. Setsuna, though, has snuck off... to where, we don't know.* JACK: Well, people, this is our first major holiday - other than Thanksgiving, which we didn't really celebrate much - on this Satellite. NEPHRITE: May I propose a toast... to all of us. May we go on with our lives successfully and relatively fic-free. URD: I'll drink to that! KUNO: Hear, hear. *All raise cups and drink... but suddenly, the ceiling panel over Jack's head opens. Hotaru and Rini manage to get out of the way right before a _HUGE_ load of snow is dropped on him from above by a grinning Setsuna* JACK: *Coughs snow* Great. (Dr. Evil) It's frickin' freezin' in here! SETSUNA: Well, you said you'd lived in Texas and rarely seen snow! JACK: I didn't ask to see some! ALL: *Turn towards camera and raise glasses. Ranma and Kodachi, Jack and Hotaru, and Urd and Kuno have an arm around each other* Merry Christmas, everyone, from our family to yours! ALARM: FOURTH WALL BREACH!!!!! URD: WOULD SOMEONE TURN THAT F(BLEEP)CKIN' ALARM OFF!?!?! (FWOOSH) \/ \/ \/ \/ -o- /\ /\ /\ /\ ***************************************************************** AUTHOR'S NOTES This has been a doozy of a week. I've been trying to prepare for Christmas, and then I catch hell over a fic that I MST... oy vey. Such a big megillah over a little chutzpah and skill. First of all: to those of you whom I offend - I apologize. Stop reading immediately if I offend you. (Soup Nazi from "Seinfeld") No MSTs for you! Secondly: The next episode, "Quit Pining over Ifurita", will be posted (hopefully) on January 20. The plot contrivances include: Rini, Hotaru, and Setsuna strangely being like a popular Thursday-night WB Network show... Setsuna discovers a secret room on the Satellite... and something _terrible_ happens to Urd and Kuno... What am I smoking?!? Just kidding. I don't know what I'll write yet for the host segments - I hate writing them. Thirdly: Yes, I know. You all wanted me to have a Christmas special, but since my family dragged me to Midnight Mass and I only got four hours of sleep, this is the best that I could do. I'm writing this buck naked on the can at seven forty-five on Christmas Day. Sorry for that description. Finally: I have eliminated that annoying ad banner from my site. If you go to http://www.satellitesenshi.com., .net, or .org, you will be greeted by a Macromedia Flash intro and a gateway into my main site, all courtesy of a Javascript "Break frames" command. Amazing, ne? Of course, I still have to make the intro, so... with any luck, I can have it up on New Year's Day. I'm off to the fireproof bunker now to dodge the new flames and play my present from my brother and sister, which is SimThemePark! You won't hear from me for... twenty minutes. Meri kurimasu! Feliz Navidad, Bonne Noel, or whatever else... geez, I don't know _every_ language, just four. Tuxedo Jack TuxedoJack@juno.com THE SATELLITE OF SENSHI ONLINE http://www.satellitesenshi.net http://www.angelfire.com/gundam/SatelliteSenshi THE ARCHIVES OF THE ARCHMAGE - just a really stupid site I did in 9th grade at a Catholic all-boys school. I _do_ have a preview of a novel I'm writing up there, though... http://www.angelfire.com/tx/gameboss The novel's at http://www.angelfire.com/tx/gameboss/exilenovel.html Stinger: ">HARUKA: *Throws them back but hits Michiru instead* oOpS. SETSUNA AND AMY: Simpson, Torgo Simpson..."