"And there was much rejoicing." - Monty Python and the Holy Grail Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 113 HEERO'S HORROR: "Lemon Wing" by RiikiTikiTavi PASSING BY LIKE DISCLAIMERS IN THE NIGHT: All characters belong to whoever the heck created them. Tuxedo Jack belongs to me. MST3K belongs to Best Brains. Tuxedo Alex owns the TOTS. I, however, own the TTPOTS, and if it seems like a blatant copy, I apologize. Apologies to Ambrosia Software, for the evil use of their quotes in the theme here... *****LEMON WARNING***** This fic is a LEMON. It contains sexual situations and therefore is rated NC-17. (NCC-1701-D? I dunno.) If you have a weak stomach, do not like such material, are under 18, or just don't want to deal with this tripe, please leave now by clicking the "Back" button. Would you eat them in the rain, sitting with Saddam Hussein? *Slaps self* Sorry, bad "Green Eggs and Ham" flashback. ********************************************************** In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere way-out deep in space, The SoS and its new riffers Are caught in an endless chase! (Senshi) We thought we'd beaten Queen Beryl Who had come back to try to rule the world After a long-lasting colossal fight A teleporter sent us all Back to the Satellite! (SENSHI AND JACK: LET... US... OUT!!!) (Ranma and Kodachi) So we're stuck riffing more bad fanfics, (Shinji and Skuld) The worst fics from the 'Net, (la la la) (Tenchi and Sasami) We'll have to sit and riff them all, (Heero and Nephrite) Can we survive them all? We bet! (la la la) (Jack and Hotaru) Now keep in mind we can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) We might lose our relative sanity So on each other we must depend! SENSHI ROLL CALL! Setsuna! (I'm the list god!) Hotaru! (Compatibility, dammit!) Teenage Rini! (Men are all pigs!) Amy! (Hello!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other science facts, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "Ask Washu later, Now I need to sit back and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! *Twang* ********************************************************** (SoS holodeck. A simulated beach is running, and the various couples are spread out on the sand. Jack and Hotaru are lying on a blanket tanning. Setsuna and Rini are with Kuno, Urd, and Tenchi, and the five of them are swimming in the crystal-blue holo-water.) JACK: Ah... this is the life. HOTARU: Yep. No fics for two weeks at a time, good friends, and a whole lot of sun, surf, and sand. JACK: *Lifts eyebrows slightly* And what of me? HOTARU: That's extra icing on the cake. *Kisses him and Urd walks up in her leopard-spotted bikini* URD: Beautiful holosim, kids! How long did this take to program? HOTARU: About an hour. I don't really know. Ask Amy - she's the resident computer geek here. JACK: Hey! I helped write this! (To Urd) About an hour and a half. It's tougher than it looks. URD: I know. I do that all the time. (Scene change to armory of SoS, where Heero and Ranma are examining the two Gundams that are lying in stasis there.) HEERO: These appear operational, Saotome. We could get out of here. RANMA: Don't bet on it. HEERO: A few laser blasts, some explosives here and there... RANMA: Shut up, Heero. HEERO: I'll work on the plan. RANMA: You do that. (Scene change: Bridge, two hours later. Heero, Mihoshi, Jack, Hotaru, and Kuno are standing around, drinking various beverages, half of which are alcoholic.) HEERO: So just what do you all do here? JACK: We riff bad fanfics. HOTARU: What else can we say about it? HEERO: And I'd hoped that it was merely Nerima... *Chugs drink* JACK: We think that the next one's a lemon. HEERO: Lemon? KUNO: A work of fiction involving sexual references. JACK AND HOTARU: Great. Another hentai... *Lights flash, klaxons blare* And now we've got LEMON SIIIIIIGN!!!!! (Door sequence) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: President Clinton. He's impeached, and you move on. Door 4: A palace wall. Jack whips out his handy-dandy railgun and blows it up. Door 3: A snack bar. You buy some ludicrously overpriced snacks and continue onwards. Door 2: An X-wing fighter. Heero's eyes grow really big, but the floor takes the starfighter down to the armory... Door 1: The doors from "Patch Adams". The legs spread, and you enter the theater. (Theater. Seating order from left to right: Heero, Hotaru, Jack, Mihoshi, and Kuno.) JACK: Well, Kuno, time for you to make your first kill as one of us. KUNO: And that entails _what_? HOTARU: Surviving this fic. KUNO: It can't be that hard. Look at you two! JACK: Trust me, the lemons make you want to commit suicide. KUNO: Oh. MIHOSHI: Be quiet! The fic's starting! >From: RiikiTikiTavi JACK: Wow, a Rudyard Kipling fan! HOTARU: That was totally obscure. >*LEMON WING: Heero and Relena* KUNO: Great. I was correct. At least there will be a complimentary revue... *THWAP* HOTARU: Don't even start. HEERO: Oh, great... _this_ one. >by RiikiTikiTavi HEERO: And we already know that. >Warnings and such: KUNO: Do not read this fic, for it contains arsenic and other poisons. >This fanfic uses characters MIHOSHI: One of them is now on the Satellite of Senshi. HEERO: Eh, heh heh heh... *sweatdrop* >without permission from the anime series Gundam Wing. HEERO: Anime? I'm anime? MAGIC VOICE: No Fourth Wall stuff, Heero-kun, or it's an Oscarfic for you. HEERO: Oscar? JACK: A hermaphrodite hentai-writing bestialist. MIHOSHI: Eeeeewwww... >I don't own these characters. HEERO: Damn right! I'm no one's slave! KUNO: Except Relena's.... JACK: And you're her... JACK AND KUNO: (together) Looooove slaaaave!!! *CRUNCH* HEERO: *Eyes twitch* _Don't_ do that unless you like pain. HOTARU: Jack, unless you want your "pride and joy" to be gone, lay off the hentai. >The scene takes JACK: (Dark) Your _soul_!!!!!! MIHOSHI: Your wallet and your credit cards. >place after the end of GW and Endless Waltz as Releena is about to turn KUNO: InTo A HOrIfFyiNg HellBEasT! *THWAP-O-RAMA* HOTARU: No Torgo! >18. This fanfic has graphic sexual material and is not to be read by >anyone HEERO: Damn right! JACK: I think that this is the age warning, not the disclaimer. >under the age of 18. If you're under 18 and reading this, then your >parents need to monitor your internet time more carefully. MIHOSHI: And what if we're riffing this? HOTARU: Dunno. Beryl chose this, so I don't know. >**=emphasis KUNO: *This sucks.* JACK: *You're right.* HOTARU: *Groan* JACK: Was that an actual groan, or did you say groan? HOTARU: Figure it out. >//=thoughts/italics HEERO: One pizza with Italics sausage will be there in forty-five 7minutes. >________________________________________ JACK: Look, it's a bowling alley! >Deep night had settled over the Sank Kingdom. HOTARU: _Sank_ you so much for that unnecessary detail. OTHERS: *Groan* >In the slight evening breeze banners attached to spires lazily waved. ALL: *Wave to banners* >The full moon shone wanly behind thin clouds. HEERO: One thin-cloud pizza with Italic sausage... HOTARU: That's enough. MIHOSHI: Actually, I could use a pizza right now. JACK: Here. *Whips out a personal pan pizza from Hammerspace and hands it to Mihoshi* MIHOSHI: Thanks! *Begins to eat and is silent for a while* >Occasionally the faint light broke through and the great turret-tipped castle >that dominated the landscape was bathed in KUNO: Clairol's "Herbal Essence". ALL: *Stare at Kuno* KUNO: What? >shimmering silver. It was a very fairy-tale-like setting, JACK: Once upon a time, there was a sick Gundam Wing lemon involving Heero Yuy and Relena Peacecraft... >giving no hint of the tumult the Sank Kingdom had experienced in recent >decades. HOTARU: Due to the competition for market share with the Folgers Universe. KUNO: That was most obscure. >There was little to indicate the country's turmoil unless an observer looked >closely enough JACK: With its detector properties and saw the cloaked Terran ghost standing with the nuclear missile... >on the outskirts of the capitol to realize that some of the buildings >were still bombed-out shells not yet rebuilt, HEERO: And if you put your ear to the buildings, you can hear the typewriters clattering. >monuments to the recent history of betrayal, war and resolute pacifism. ALL: (Chanting) Paci-FIST! Paci-FIST! >He had hoped for such a night when it came time. JACK AND KUNO: (Singing) This is the night, such a beautiful night, and they call it "bella notte"... MIHOSHI: Thanks for the "Lady and the Tramp" flashback, guys. >It fit the specifications of his research material. He had not planned on it, >however. Requiring the weather to cooperate before embarking on a mission >was >foolish. He would have been here, hanging like a spider against the pale >stone >of castle's retaining wall, regardless of state of the natural elements. HEERO: _Real_ smart, stupid. JACK: Hey, an oxymoron! >The mission required that it be now, this place, this night. KUNO: (Heero) Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee... HEERO: Shut up. >Nothing mattered but the mission. KUNO: And the destination - the restroom. >He repelled down the side of the retaining wall, releasing the safety >latch and falling the last ten feet. He landed quietly on bended knee >and listened with a lowered head. No sound of alarm. The security here was >as pathetic as ever. >He would have to do something about that if the mission proved >successful. HEERO: Yes, I built the "tin can and string" line of defense there. >He stood just as the moonlight made one of its sporadic bursts of JACK: Gunfire. >illumination between wispy clouds. The silvering light revealed a slight young >man, small for 18, wearing form-fitting black garments. HOTARU AND MIHOSHI: *Eyes bug out and they drool* JACK: Great. Now _they've_ gone hentai... *Sweatdrop* >Briefly, the young man raised his face toward the moon, his eyes glinting >dangerously from KUNO: The large shard of glass protruding from his eyeball. >behind dark, spiky bangs. Hastily, as if properly intimidated, the moonlight >winked out and clouds again shrouded the sky. JACK: For the sky was dead, and it needed to be wrapped. >Using terse, economic movements, the young man removed a coil of rope >from a clip at his side. At one end dangled a three-pronged hook. HOTARU: *Snaps out of dream state* Three-pronged hook... not a word, you hentai. JACK: Me?!? You were drooling over Heero! >(FILE TRANSFER ERROR) ALL: *Yell various obscenities and expressions of wonderment* >the of his hand. Stealing through the dark pathways and shrubbery of the >palace's garden, the young man silently made his way to the smooth wall of >the >castle itself. Hugging the contours of the building, JACK: So Heero-kun's going to screw the building now? HEERO: *Vein twitches* >he moved south, toward the >wide bay that the castle faced. As he slipped through the darkness he >would occasionally glance up, ticking off the necessary landmarks that let >him >know how close he was to his destination. The west wing guest quarters, >where Duo and Hilde slumbered. Check. The expansive suite next door, >where Quatre slept. Check. The first of the family rooms, where the big >brother was- ALL: *Scream* KUNO: Orwell was correct! Big Brother _does_ exist! >Problem. MIHOSHI: (Teacher) One plus one equals what? >Halting as he rounded the turret that connected the west wing to the >central portion of the palace, the young man gazed steadily at the >rectangle of light that outlined a tall figure leaning forward with elbows >braced on the balcony railing. The young man narrowed his eyes as he >considered >the remaining distance to his goal. Under normal circumstances he would >give himself excellent odds at continuing undetected, but the figure >overhead was as much a warrior as he, with finely honed instincts--and one >could not leave out the 'big brother' component. His research indicated that, KUNO: Penguins wore tuxedos and Ranma was actually gay. RANMA'S VOICE: SHUT UP, KUNO! >of all family members that would be inclined to interfere with the >mission, big brothers were likely to be the most bothersome. He briefly >considered alternative approaches. A voice in his head that sounded like an >exasperated Duo said, "You could just *knock*, Heero. The party's >tomorrow. >They *are* expecting you." The young man squelched the stray thought >ruthlessly. 'Knocking' was not within mission parameters. HEERO: The mission did include, however, the purchase of several large bottles of liquor and marijuana. >Clear tones with indistinct words drifted down to him. The man on the >balcony turned his head. Long, gleaming hair fell smoothly over one >shoulder. MIHOSHI: Sephiroth... *drool* KUNO: Sephiroth?!? *Jaw drops* What has that knave that I possess not? >"I'm coming, Noin," he said. "I just wanted to look at the sea in the >moonlight." >With a last, lingering glance at the view, the figure returned to his >rooms. HOTARU: Where he masturbated all night long! JACK: Hotaru! What has gotten into you lately?!? HOTARU: Weird... *holds her hand to her head* Must have been channeling you for a minute there. JACK: *Fumes* >Beneath the balcony, the young man waited patiently until the lights >within quenched. KUNO: For they had been doused with water. >He counted to one hundred, slowly, just to be sure. ALL: (Whiny Schoolkids) One, two, skip a few, ninety-nine, a hundred! HEERO: Ready or not, here I come... >Then he continued toward his goal. ALL MALES: (Spanish TV Soccer Announcer) GOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!!!!!!!! WOMEN: *Groan* >For a normal human, the sheer smooth wall he paused beside would seem >un-scalable. The young man, however, did not appear intimidated. He JACK: Disco-danced the night away! KUNO: Inside the fair Relena's bed. HEERO: Grrr..... >followed an invisible path up the wall to the balcony several stories >overhead. >Truth be told, there were enough fingerholds JACK AND HOTARU: *Snicker* KUNO: No more hentai, children, else I shall smite you. >for him to make the climb >without the rope. As far as that went, he possessed a number of >mechanisms that could shoot a line to the balcony above, securely attach to >one of the >balustrades, and haul him up after it, all in complete silence. Once >he decided upon this particular approach to the mission, however, his >research indicated shimmying up a rope was, for some reason, a desirable >skill. HEERO: Mission Impossible 3. Starring Heero Yuy and Relena Peacecraft. JACK: And the main plot is... HEERO: Did the others have any plot? JACK: Good point. >And he *had* accepted the mission. The young man regarded the rope >in his hands, shrugged slightly, and began to swing the clawed end back >and forth to build up momentum. With more strength than appeared >possible MIHOSHI: (Chanting in a really high voice) Her-cules! Her-cules! >from his slim build he flung the three-pronged grappling hook the >necessary distance. There was a faint "clang" as the hook struck the stone >floor >of the balcony. The young man gave a sharp tug. HEERO: And a large brick fell on top of him, crushing him and spilling his internal organs all over everywhere. The end. JACK: That's just wrong. HEERO: Shut up. I don't wanna see this. MIHOSHI: Big baby. >The claws wedged between >narrow balustrades. One more tug to test, then the young man silently >climbed with a quick, hand-over-hand movement. HOTARU: *Snicker snicker* JACK: Hotaru, stop it right now or else I break out the handcuffs and gags. MIHOSHI: _That_ explains the screams from your room last night! JACK: (flustered) No, no, that's not it... *Hotaru snickers* Oh, shut up! >He grasped the edge of the balcony and vaulted over with a lightness >that suggested the climb had been no exertion. Double French doors >confronted him. He tested one of the elaborate wrought-iron handles. >Locked. KUNO: And then Relena came out with a railgun and smited him. The end. >//Good. She's far too trusting, sometimes. //The young man exerted pressure >downward. ALL MALES: 0_0;;; *Hold or protect their "special friends"* >The locking mechanism strained, then broke with a dull click. //She >needs stronger locks, though.// He glanced back at the rope, debating >whether >to pull it up after himself. //Seeing that in the morning will give Pargan >a heart attack. //One corner of the firm mouth twitched up briefly. Ignoring >the rope, he turned back to the ajar door and stepped through. He paused >a moment, surveying the dark room he had entered with one slow visual >sweep. His gaze did not linger on the bed, although that was where his eyes >centered once his assessment of the room's defenses was complete. Or >perhaps his >attention was directed toward the indistinct lump in the middle of the >over-large four-poster. JACK: Anyone wanna take bets on what it is? MIHOSHI: A bomb. HEERO: Crap. That's what I was going to say. HOTARU AND KUNO: Relena's naked body! JACK: *Eyes twitch and he slaps Kuno around* Hotaru, I'm warning you... >First mission objective: achieved. HEERO: Mission - nearly impossible. >Target in sight. Acquisition proceeding. JACK: (Computer voice) Locked on target. Firing missiles now... *Hotaru snickers* DAMMIT!!!! >He moved silently to stand next to the bed, clinically regarding the >occupant. MIHOSHI: (Heero as Dr. McCoy): She's dead, Jim. HEERO: (Jim Kirk) But... that's impossible! JACK: Bad Shatner impression, bad Shatner impression. >Her pale hair was loose, flowing over the pillow. One hand was >cast out on the covers, palm up; the other was hidden, along with her >body, under the sheets. The young man cocked his head to one side, >observing. >His hands moved to his pouched belt. He removed items that he set >carefully on the bedside table: a HEERO: Gun. MIHOSHI: Box of Trojans. HOTARU: M-80 rocket. KUNO: Bokken named "Kasumi". JACK: *Stares at Kuno* KUNO: What? >box of condoms, fine talc powder, two small >bottles >of oil. Something propped against the table lamp caught his gaze. He >reached >out one finger to touch the button nose of a small stuffed bear. ALL: (Singing) Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh... >Then he turned his attention back to the bed. >He bent over to lightly finger the fair strands spread over the pillow, >raising a few to his face and inhaling. A faint herbal fragrance. One of > (FILE TRANSFER ERROR) JACK: Again? KUNO: Let us take a break while the fic repairs itself. HEERO: Good idea. (Exeunt all) (Reverse door sequence) (SoS bridge. The riffers and Setsuna are standing there, loading up snacks.) SETSUNA: Then it's agreed. Heero and I will switch places in the theater immediately. HEERO: Thank kami-sama. KAMI-SAMA: (V.O.) Yes, you should. HEERO: *Sweatdrop* URD: *Enters* Forget about it. We'll get out of here soon enough... HEERO: Think the fic's fixed yet? *Thinks a second* Hey, I made a funny! JACK: Not bloody likely... *Klaxons blare, lights flash, you know the drill* Great, and now we've got GUNDAM SIIIIIGN!!! (Door Sequence Version 113.5) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: Gore and Bush. They slug it out over the election results and you step over their unconscious bodies. Door 4: Dr. Zhivago. He tries to arrest you and you pass onwards. Door 3: A nuclear weapon. It detonates and destroys the wall. Door 2: A Reader's Digest condensed book. It shrinks and shrinks until nothing is left. Door 1: A mirror. You gently take it down and enter the theater... (Theater. Seating order from left to right: Kuno, Hotaru, Jack, Setsuna, Mihoshi.) SETSUNA: And you're sure that this is a lemon? JACK: If it weren't would I have made half the jokes I did? SETSUNA: I don't know - I wasn't here. JACK: *Sweatdrop* >the bottles went back into the belt. Out of a long pouch that ran along >his side he pulled a single, thorn-less rose. He held it up to his face, >critically. SETSUNA: Destroying the fic's reputation due to crappy writing. >Slightly bruised in the process, releasing some of the faint >rose scent, but still serviceable. He leaned over the edge of the bed >and, reaching out with the rose, stroked it against the cheek of the sleeping >occupant. KUNO: (Heero as UPS guy) Hey, lady, you gotta sign for this package. MIHOSHI: (Relena) Hey, this is addressed to "Occupant"! KUNO: (Same voice) So? That's you! >She exhaled on a delicate snort and brushed at it with her exposed hand. >An unexpected smile chased across the young man's face. He lowered the >rose to her fingers and tickled her palm with the petals. Her hand >flexed, HOTARU: And ripped off his *DING*. ALL MALES: O_O *Cover groins again* >closed around the petals, opened again. There was a sleepy murmur. The >occupant of the bed was beginning to waken. The young man watched >critically, >preparing for the several scenarios that might play out when the young >woman realized there was a shadowy male figure at her bedside. SETSUNA: She would pull out her gun from under her pillow and shoot Heero. JACK: One can only hope. MIHOSHI: At least the fic'll be over. >Possibility 1: lots of panicked screaming, in which case he would abort >the mission, throw himself out the window and simply show up as >scheduled the next day as if nothing had happened. KUNO: Sounds vaguely like a normal day in the Tendo dojo. JACK: Haven't been there, but from Ranma's descriptions, I'll agree with you. >Possibility 2: non-panicked-but-alarmed vocalizations, in which case >he could quickly identify himself and calm her down, hopefully before >any of the "big brother interfering" scenarios played out. SETSUNA: *Groan* Big Brother reference... HOTARU: We already did that gag. >Possibility 3: the most probable-- KUNO: (Ford Prefect) The Infinite Improbability Drive was built and it's here in this bed! >"Heero?" queried the bed's occupant in a sleep-rough voice, scrubbing >the back of her hand across her eyes. SETSUNA: (Darkly) With bleach and peroxide. JACK: That's just wrong, lady. >//Called it.// She had a primal instinct for identification where >he was concerned. No matter how invisible he wanted to be, no matter how >disguised he thought he was, invariably she would discern he was there >and, even through thick crowds that should have rendered him invisible, >those serene eyes of hers would meet his. JACK: Eyes, I'm pleased to meet you. I'm the right eye... >She hid a delicate yawn behind one graceful hand. "I was having the >weirdest dream," she commented. "About Treize Khushrenada. Ew." ALL: O_O''' >//Mission note: Do *not* use roses in the future.// SETSUNA: Yeah, they're Tuxedo Mask's thing, you poseur! >//Research note: Determine which other flowers have rose-soft petals. >(Consider tulips.)// KUNO: (Heero) Tulips... nope, back to roses. Damn. >Without hurry, Heero put the rose on the bedside table, well away from >the bed's occupant. >She squinted at the bedside clock as she sat up. "It's after midnight. >If you're going to kill me, couldn't you wait until a decent hour?" JACK: (Heero) Nope, better to get it done at night when I can escape scot-free! >"It's the *correct* hour," he replied, cryptically. "It's the correct >*time*, Relena." SETSUNA: *The hell???* JACK: *Don't ask.* KUNO: *Running joke, running joke.* HOTARU: *Groan* JACK: Now was that one real or fake? HOTARU: It's the opposite of the other one. JACK: Damn. >He had not planned to actually *touch* the bed until he had her >permission -- permission to continue the mission was *very* important >-- but he had also not allowed for the size of the bed. A slight >modification >of mission parameters, Heero decided, was acceptable. KUNO: (Wine Steward) We have this acceptable 1993 vintage of Parameters from the Mission vineyard... >He slid one knee >onto the satin covers. This allowed him the extra few inches he needed >to grasp her shoulders. He pulled her toward him with what was, he >estimated, >a gentle but irresistible force. SETSUNA: Ah, I see that the superconductor is working. >He had outlined the next part very carefully. He had tested out >appropriate >pressures on his forearm, what was too light, what was close to >bruising. >He had bitten down on the more delicate flesh of his palm, determining >how sharp his teeth were, what the difference was between gentle, >pleasurable suckling and a painful vacuum-like suction on the skin. He had >plotted >his plan of attack as well. JACK: I'll take the western flank. Mihoshi, you and your troops cover the northern breasts, and Kuno, your group will attack from the Pubic forests. SETSUNA: That's funny. JACK: So you're not going to smack me? SETSUNA: I never said that. *WA-TAK* JACK: KUSO!!!!! >First the side of her mouth with his own >barely parted, flicking the tip of his tongue against her skin. As expected, >her lips parted on a surprised intake of breath. He covered her open mouth >with his own, gently nibbling at her top lip, then mouthed her lower lip >with soft suction. He didn't deepen the kiss. That would come later, >after he had permission. This was just -- just -- JACK AND KUNO: (Bill and Ted) Most excellent! HOTARU: Te-RIFF-ic! MIHOSHI: (Austin Powers) Shagadelic, baby! SETSUNA: NO AUSTIN POWERS!!! JACK AND HOTARU: *Scream and run around the theater* >She wasn't supposed to stick *her* tongue into *his* mouth. >Not yet. Nor move it around like ... *that*. And she was closer than >she was should be at this stage, pressed against his chest, hands tight >against his shoulder-blades. SETSUNA: And she then ripped them out and used them as weapons to decapitate Heero. >For a few seconds, Heero completely forgot what stage of the mission >he was in. MIHOSHI: (Mario) World 3-2! >Once he recalled the mission, Heero carefully relaxed his grip on her >and pushed her far enough away to look her in the eyes. JACK: (Heero) time to die, Relena. KUNO: Not quite, O ignorant one. >"I want you," he said. "That's why I'm here. Are you ready for me, >Relena?" SETSUNA: (Relena) Yes... KUNO: (Regis Philbin) Final answer? SETSUNA: (Relena) Wait, wait! KUNO: (Heero) Damn. >Relena leaned back, looking at him thoughtfully. No false modesty, no >pretense at shock, just examining. The way she assessed surprising >situations was one of the things he appreciated about her. He found himself >also >appreciating the single beam of moonlight that seemed to have permanently >tangled >In her hair-- HOTARU: Like this? *Snaps her fingers. A beam of synthetic moonlight strikes her hair and shimmers* JACK: *Drool* >//Stray thoughts about Relena's physical attractiveness are not >currently acceptable.// MIHOSHI: But I like how she looks... *notices everybody staring at her* What? JACK: (Thinking) Yuri! YURI!!! >"I understand," she said, finally. She sounded amused. Glancing at the >clock, she said again, "I understand. Yes, Heero. Whatever you have >planned -- " her mouth quirked as if she were finding it difficult to keep a >straight MIHOSHI: Sexual profile. *All look at her again* WHAT?!?!? SETSUNA: (Thinking) Is she a lesbian? Haruka and Michiru would love her. >face -- "my answer is 'yes'." KUNO: (Regis Philbin) Final Answer? HOTARU: (Relena) No, no, I don't think so, no. >//Mission proceeding.// JACK: (Computer) Web site mission.com is 37% loaded. >He estimated the chances of her being a virgin at better than 95%. >If she were not, the chances of her having lost her virginity through >some sort of abuse was nearly 100% since he had not observed any of the >young men who lurked around her hopefully getting further than a formal >kiss on the hand. MIHOSHI: Heero never saw the videotapes, then. ALL: *Stare at Mihoshi* MIHOSHI: What? >Either case meant the next step needed to be handled >very carefully. While his research material always favored direct >approaches, Heero knew far more about nerve endings and pressure points >than any of those authors. It would be -- interesting -- to use his >knowledge for MIHOSHI: Relena's murder. JACK: What's up with you today, Mihoshi? MIHOSHI: Cabin fever. Gotta get over it. >pleasure >instead of pain. SETSUNA: So the dungeon's not going to be used? JACK: *Grumble* And she calls me a hentai... *Grumble* >First things first. KUNO: And the second things second. >He wanted no surprises or awkwardness. HOTARU: So he left the room. The end. JACK: Can we change the channel now? >Stepping away from the bed, Heero HOTARU: Severed his *DING* from his body. JACK: O_o''' >quickly and efficiently stripped. SETSUNA: Aww.... and I wanted a strip show! MIHOSHI: *Holds up a twenty-dollar bill* At least work it a little! JACK AND KUNO: *Avert eyes* HOTARU: *Groan* Hentai abounds here, and i can't do a damn thing about it. >Each article was carefully folded and HOTARU: Spindled, and then mutilated. MIHOSHI AND SETSUNA: *Still cheer for Heero to work it* >set on the bedside table near the rose. When he glanced at Relena, he >found JACK: A new car! KUNO: And methinks that I would require a wash after that. JACK: I'm not going to ask... >her watching silently with wide eyes. She followed the movements as he MIHOSHI: Did the Macarena! >put the black turtle-neck then the tank top underneath onto the table. >Her gaze remained there, noticing his earlier additions to the table. >Unlike his own, her senses were not enhanced. In the dark, she probably >could HOTARU: Kill Heero quite efficiently. SETSUNA: (Relena) Omae o korosu, Heero... >not see anything more than vague shapes, certainly could not read the >writing KUNO: On the wall. JACK: (Singing) I got it, I got it, I got your number on the wall... I got it, I got it, for a good time, for a good time call... HOTARU: (Singing) Eight six seven five three oh ni-ey-ine... KUNO: I was thinking of the handwriting signifying Belshazzar's fall. >(or see the rather ludicrous graphics) on the small box there, but she >probably could make an educated guess as to what was contained within. SETSUNA: (Relena) Ooh! Is it a new car? >He observed her carefully as he stepped out of his shoes, undid his >pants. >No blushing. But then, they had been through war together. It was hard >to make someone who had seen war blush. JACK: Not really. *Whispers something in Hotaru's ear. She quickly turns beet red.* See? >He reached for the box, opened it, and tore off two of the foil-wrapped >packets. He held one out to her. "In case I forget," he said. >Relena took the packet between two fingers. Yes, she was definitely >smiling now. "You forget something? That would be the end of the world." ALL: (Singing) It's the end of the world as we know it... >She tucked the condom under one of the pillows. Sitting up, she clasped >her hands around her bent knees. "What's next on the agenda?" MIHOSHI: (Heero) Let's see... disco until one, shuffleboard until two, animal sex until ten, and then sleep until eight. >Folding his pants onto the table, he gazed at her with a touch of >wariness. >She wasn't acting entirely as he predicted: too much amusement, not a >trace of virginal nerves. Perhaps she was more experienced than he >estimated. >But then, unlike most of the protagonists in his research material, she >was a world leader. Composure was natural to her. It took a great deal >to shake her. His research suggested that composure was not the most >desirable trait at this stage. Not if he wanted her to be utterly mindless later. SETSUNA: And she's not mindless now? JACK: Hey, that was cold. Give her a break. >Fisting a handful of the cover, Heero stripped it from the bed. MIHOSHI: (Bed) *Scream* Put my clothes back on! >That did it. Relena uttered a soft, surprised yelp, grabbed at the edge >of her nightgown to pull it down, tried to tuck her feet under her body. >Heero seized her wrists and pushed her back, pinning her hands by her >head. >He straddled her hips, careful not put too much weight on her. Startled >eyes stared up at him. He leaned his face in close to hers, pulling his >lips back in his best estimation of a feral grin. "You sure?" he >snarled. >Relena giggled. ALL: *Burst out laughing* >The smile wiped off his face. Heero stared at her, feeling a >little--hurt? >Dammit, he had practiced that grimace in front of the mirror for hours. >No-one in his research materials ever dissolved into laughter after >their mate started with the feral grinning.. ALL: *Keep laughing* >The look on his face seemed to set off more giggles. "I'm sure, I'm >sure, Heero," she gasped out. "Get *off* me. I can't do a thing about >being sure with you holding me down." SETSUNA: *Stops laughing* (Relena) Rape! RAPE!!! JACK: Okay, that's not a joking matter. (To you) Kids, rape is a serious offense. If someone you know has done this, take action and turn them in. It's just not right. And now we return to our scheduled riffing. MAGIC VOICE: This has been my one public service announcement for 2000. Shut up and read the fic, kids. >He let go of her wrists. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing >close to him. Heero let her as he considered his next move. The >forceful-yet-gentle approach was not having the effect he anticipated. >She was supposed to melt into a puddle of helpless sexual need that KUNO: (Julia Child) Goes well with a nice duck l'orange... >would better prepare her >body for invasion, lessening any pain. She was not supposed to be >mouthing the side of his face, making little shifting movements under him that >teased him with the soft press of her breasts, and definitely NOT twisting her >ankles around his in a way that made him feel as if every individual leg >hair was completely sensitized-- HOTARU: Sounds like someone's losing it. JACK: Control or virginity? HOTARU: Both. >//Focus on the mission.// JACK: Kinda tough with a beautiful woman in your arms. HOTARU: As you well know. JACK: I'm going to shut up now. >He pulled her arms from his neck. Lacing his fingers though hers, he >held her arms out to the side. "We're not to this part yet," he told >her, sternly. SETSUNA: We're at step three of the Kama Sutra's guide to infinite orgasms... >"Heero, for God's sake." Relena was beginning to sound a little >exasperated. KUNO: Note the emphasis on the word "ass". >"Will you just be natural?" ALL: (Heero, singing) You make me feel like a natural woman... >The mission was far too important for him to be "natural". >Heero swung his body off of her, tugged her to a sitting position, and >grabbed handfuls of her gown, pulling it over her head. She did not >fight him when the barrier between their skins was removed, but tried >to press against his chest again. //Too distracting. //Frowning, he took her >by the shoulders and quickly flipped her over, MIHOSHI: Hey, it's "Twister"! ALL OTHERS: *Groan* >straddling her hips >again, >ignoring the cut-off exclamation, muffled when her face hit the pillow. >She pushed up to her elbows. "Heero--!" HOTARU: (Relena) Let's get jiggy with it! >The arch this gave her naked back was ... interesting. >Backs were neglected areas. Backs were where nerves met and combined >to send signals to the rest of the body. Backs were -- with precision, >Heero pulled his thumbs along either side of her spine from the base of >her neck to the curve of her buttocks -- very, *very* sensitive. JACK: This reminds me of a little trick someone once taught me - the 52 steps to pure sexual bliss. I've got to try it on you sometime, Hotaru. HOTARU: And just who taught you this? JACK: The Master of Sinanju, Chiun. MAGIC VOICE: Readers, this is a cheap reference to the "Destroyer" series of books. If you have no clue what I'm talking about, go buy one today. I hear that number 115 is out. >Heero rested his hands against the dimples at the top of her rear, >kneading SETSUNA: (Julia Child) The buttocks for thirty minutes, then adding giblets and gravy to flavor to taste... >her sides with his fingertips. All ready she was breathing in shallow >breaths, not quite gasping but getting there. He reached for the collection of >objects he had deposited on the bedside table, bypassing the oil -- although >recommended by several of his research sources, now that he was *here >*he thought >it would make her skin stick to the sheets, which did not sound very >comfortable -- for the talc. MIHOSHI: Of course it's uncomfortable for the talc! It hates being squished! >He stroked a handful of the smooth powder against her >sleek back. There were slight twitches along the path his hands took, >tiny catches in her breathing. Her head hung down, the long blond hair >falling over her shoulders and pooling on the bed. He carefully massaged the >base of her neck with his callused thumbs. Suddenly her elbows gave out. >Relena wriggled under him, settling flat against the bed with her head >pillowed >on her crossed arms. He had to pause briefly because that wriggle did -- >*things*--to him. ALL: *Eyes widen* >To one part of him in particular. KUNO: I do so hope that it's not the part that the author is probably going to refer to... >Ahead of schedule. MIHOSHI: (Tour guide) No, no, no! The shuffleboard's not for another hour! JACK: *Snicker* MIHOSHI: *Realizes what she said* Eeeeeewww!!! >After a moment of dispassionate consideration, Heero decided he could >proceed despite a state of nearly painful arousal. HOTARU: How can a boner be painful? JACK: Trust me, you'll never know. You're not a man. KUNO: Especially if Ranma did cut it with a nunchaku earlier that day. >He had carried out >previous missions in excruciating pain. So he continued with the carefully >choreographed massage, pressing lightly with his fingertips, rotating his palms >against the delicate flesh of her backbone, working to ease all tension from >her >body. >Of course, there was absolute no tension in her body that he could >detect. >She had always been far too comfortable around him. Yet she did seem to >be enjoying his ministrations. SETSUNA: So Heero's a priest now? HOTARU: I thought that Duo was the religious one. SETSUNA: I like Trowa the best. >And, in spite of the fact that >self-enjoyment >was not high on the list of priorities for this first time, Heero >discovered >he liked hearing the soft pleasurable noises that issued from her parted JACK: Asscheeks, for Relena had eaten beans for lunch that day. HOTARU: Jack, that was jsut wrong. JACK: So? Has that ever stopped me before? >lips. He pushed his thumbs against the base of her spine and paused, >debating >whether he should work his way back up or go on to the next stage. Her >eyes were closed, mouth slackened in pleasure. Good. He would move on. KUNO: Indiana Heero and the Vagina of Death, coming soon to a theater near you! JACK: Or in our case, it's already here. >He pressed his chest against her, letting her feel his weight briefly >before sliding his arms under her. Her breast fit naturally into one >palm. HOTARU: *Scoffs* (Mr. Rogers) Can you say "implants"? Good job, boys and girls! >She was not much taller than she had been at fifteen, but she had filled >out in ways that pleased him. Kneading her rounded flesh, he mouthed >against the back of her shoulder, using teeth and tongue, sucking the skin >gently. SETSUNA: Whoa... fifteen? What is this, a kiddy hentai lemon? JACK: The disclaimer said that Relena's turning eightteen tomorrow. >She was as mindless as he could want now, writhing and twisting and >gasping, >thrusting back against his hips. He pulled one knee up, pressing his >thigh >between her legs. She was very wet; very ready. The packet she had >tucked >beneath the pillow was the closest of the two he had pulled out of the >box. Keeping as much contact with her body as possible, Heero freed up >one hand and fumbled blindly toward the top of the bed. KUNO: CRACK! (Heero) Damn, sorry, Relena! Didn't mean to rip your skull out! >He found it >under >the second pillow he groped beneath. Fortunately he had practiced >opening >similar packets using one hand and his teeth; otherwise he would have to >move the hand currently fondling her breast, and he liked that hand >right >where it was. JACK: He's never heard of a thing called "nerve clusters"? >He reached down and tugged the protective sheath over his >erect sex as his mouth pressed tiny kisses against whatever skin was >closest. MIHOSHI: And it turned out to be Trowa and Duo's bodies, for it was an orgy with Hilde and Noin. ALL MALES: Eeeeep! No yaoi! >She was moaning his name on a pleading keen. "Not yet," he said against >her back, the words muffled and unexpectedly hoarse. Reluctantly he >pulled >the hand cupping her soft breast away. He scooted down the bed, leaving >a trail of kisses in the sensitive hollow next to her spine, lightly >biting SETSUNA: Her neck and turning her into a vampire. HOTARU: To quote Mystery Lemon Theater 3000 - "My nipples explode with delight." SETSUNA: You just had to work that in there, didn't you? >against the flesh of her hip, mouthing and then blowing across her inner >thigh. She was twisting, trying to face him. He reached up with his >hands, JACK: And ripped off her *DING*. ALL OTHERS: *Gape in horror* O~O''' (Barfing face. Gimme a break.) >wrapping his fingers around her narrow waist to hold her down. "Shh," he >said for no particular reason. "Shh." He kissed her inner thigh again, >letting her feel the edge of his teeth. He inhaled slowly. There was >something >about the musty scent of her-- MIHOSHI: (Heero) Man, Relena! Ever hear of a wonder drug called "deodorant"? >//Concentrate on the mission, Yuy.// JACK: Good luck, sucker. >Acquisition of target: proceeding. SETSUNA: Heero used Lock-On! Heero took aim! JACK: Poke-freak. SETSUNA: (Mimi from Drew Carey) Bite me, pig. >He placed his mouth against the center of her body. He lapped. He >suckled. >He blew. KUNO: He huffed, and he puffed, and Relena had an orgasm. >He nibbled. He lapped some more. And Relena twisted and bucked >and cried out wordlessly, her arms flung wide on either side clawing at >the sheets, as out of control as he needed her to be for the next stage >to work as he anticipated. Her breath started coming in rhythmic little >puffs. //Orgasm? //Heero lifted his face. Her head was jerking about, >drumming against the bed, HOTARU: Wow, Relena's doing a KISS drum solo with her head! >her brow knitted, her mouth shaped like a >perfect >"O." Just like in his research material. //Orgasm. Perfect. //Heero >pressed his lips against her thigh to clean them, then sat up and >flipped >her over to her back. She was still convulsing, not noticing a single >thing >in the room around her. JACK: So she never saw Heero rip out his gun and kill her. The end. >//Perfect. //He held her legs apart, fitted >himself to her body, and gave one quick, hard push. MIHOSHI: But he missed badly, and his penis was severed in the ensuing chaos - he has hit Trowa's arse. ALL MALES: O_o''' *Cover their "special friends"* >Target: acquired. SETSUNA: Heero used Penetrate! JACK: Heero's attack missed! SETSUNA: Relena used Fissure! JACK: One-hit KO! SETSUNA: Sex Maniac Heero fainted! Relena gained 1186 EXP. HOTARU: Okay, enough with the cheap Poke-jokes. >Relena's eyes flew open. "Heero?" She sounded confused, blinking up >at him. She gasped. "You're--when did you--? Oh...oooh..." >He kissed her with a marauding tongue, flicking it against her teeth, >sweeping it through her mouth. She moaned again, the sound muffled. He >held his body still, his weight on his hands as he leaned over her, >teasing >at her lips to distract her, waiting for her to be ready, to adjust to >the feeling of his sex within hers. >Still moaning, Relena wrapped an arm around his neck and pulled herself >up to him, pressing close against him. Her body flexed around him. >Startled, >Heero nearly gasped into her mouth, then realized the reason he couldn't KUNO: Have an erection. JACK: He forgot his Viagra again, huh? HEERO: (Over P.A.) Shut up! >gasp was because he didn't have enough air. When had he forgotten to >breathe? MIHOSHI: Every minute for the past three days. >Releena rocked her hips against his. This time, he did gasp. He thrust >back, hard, before trying to restrain himself. It was too soon, he'd >hurt >her if they did it like this right away-- >She pushed again, this time twisting one leg around his thigh first >for leverage. HOTARU: She's trading stock now? MIHOSHI: (Broker) 159 shares of HeRelena Corp! >He had prepared for this, a corner of his mind reminded him. He had >practiced, arranging pillows under himself, anticipating every possible >which way she could put arms and legs, rehearsing what he would do if >the >experience pained her or frightened her, timing what he estimated the >appropriate >amount of time for her body to adjust to her initial sexual experience. >He had planned everything, including inducing such pleasure in her that >any discomfort should be dulled by the force of her climax-- KUNO: Of course, he didn't factor in the fact that _he'd_ be affected by her orgasm. JACK: I always forget that. >He had left out one factor. Himself. JACK: Well, duh. >He did not expect the tightness of her body to rob him of breath. SETSUNA: (Robber) This is a stickup, Yuy! Gimme all your breath, except the bad stuff! JACK AND KUNO: *Snicker wildly* SETSUNA: What? All I said was "this is a..." Oh my GOD!!!!! >He >did not expect the sound of her labored breathing to make him clench >against >her thighs in response. He did not expect the low moaning of his name to >make him want to bite at her shoulders and nip at her breasts. He did >(FILE TRANSFER ERROR) not JACK: The hell? That's the third time! KUNO: Methinks we've been transferring systems here. MAGIC VOICE: You're exactly right, Kuno. I started this on a Mac, and brought it to a PC. Naturally, even though I used programs to transfer it perfectly in text format, there were some errors. I've marked them. Now shut up and riff the fic. KUNO: Hai, Magic Voice-sama. MAGIC VOICE: And quit that! It's Ja - oops. *The Fourth Wall shatters the speaker into little tiny bits* >expect it to be so -- JACK: Deadly. KUNO: (Austin Powers) Shagadelic! SETSUNA: NO AUSTIN POWERS! HOTARU: *Cowers in her chair* MIHOSHI: *Strikes a pose* Kawaii! ALL OTHERS: o_O >"Wanton," he managed to grit out. >"Yes," Relena moaned back, but she wasn't really answering any more >than he was really speaking to her. HOTARU: Sounds vaguely like a normal weekend in my room. >Control, Heero decided, was not really necessary. Fighting for control >was making him crazy. When he lost it, he reasoned (not that he was >*really* >reasoning very clearly), KUNO: For he had consumed several hundred alcoholic beverages two hours before the fic. SETSUNA: And maintain an erection? Damn, I'd like to try that. JACK: (Thinking) Crap, the aphrodisiac might still be in her bloodstream... I'll have to talk to Kodachi about an antidote. >then he would be more likely to hurt her. ALL: (chanting) Deep hurting! DEEP HURTING!!! MIHOSHI: (Mortal Kombat voice) FINISH HER. >Better >to give it up now, voluntarily--better to give himself up to her--better >to-- >//Better to stop thinking and just act on your emotions, Yuy.// >He gripped his fingers into her long hair, pulling her head back, >mouthing >her smooth throat. Relena's hands clutched against his head, pulling >*his* HOTARU: *DING* off. JACK: What is it with you and the castration jokes today? HOTARU: Oh, nothing. Would you mind if we broke out... the dungeon? JACK: Why not? If you like it... but no dildoes or you're off it for a month. >head back so she could seal her lips against his. They grunted and >tussled >and grinded their sweat-slicked bodies together as they took turns >plundering KUNO: The secret treasure of King Garuzia! SETSUNA: Where have I heard that before? I can't quite remember... KUNO: Disney's "Quackshot" for Sega Genesis. >each other's mouth, occasionally ripping away to gulp in air, but always >returning to plunder some more. Heero could not even tell that he was >approaching >the edge; all he knew was that Relena's entire body went taut and >(FILE TRANSFER ERROR) suddenly >he was over it, gasping and shuddering and feeling her muffled scream in >his throat. SETSUNA: And as they fell downwards towards the ground from the cliff, several things passed them, including a skydiver, a brown coyote with an anvil in his hand, and a large ten-layer cheesecake. HOTARU: Mmm... cheesecake... *Drools* I've got to make one tonight. >He completely forgot to hold himself up, collapsing against >her in a boneless mass, mindlessly moaning out her name as pleasure >washed >through him. JACK: And buffed him to a nice shine using the wax of his own sweat. >"That," said Heero in irritation (or it would have been irritation if >he had enough breath to project irritation, which he did not), "went all >wrong." MIHOSHI: (Bugs Bunny) I knew I should have taken that left turn at Alberquerque... >"Did it?" Relena sounded dazed. "I can hardly wait to figure out how >to do this right, then." >"I didn't want it to hurt for you." >Thoughtfully, Relena shifted under him, moving slightly. "Um--I guess >it did, a little. I didn't really notice, though." >Heero's irritation began to dissipate. "You were busy," he said, smugly. KUNO: (Relena) Yes, you left me to clean the dishes, take out the trash, walk and feed the dog, fix dinner, and vacuum the house! JACK: Huh. Sounds like my normal household chores back in 2K. >"That part worked, then." SETSUNA: (Heero) Yeah, I got my housework done for free. >Relena started to chuckle, which, since he was still inside of her, >was a very strange sensation. Pleasant, he decided analytically, but >strange. >"You planned up to that point--? Of course you did." She trailed a >finger >down his neck. "Well, thank you for being that concerned about me, >(FILE TRANSFER ERROR) Heero. HOTARU: That's five times that this fic has faulted. Magic Voice, next time, pick a system and stay with it? MAGIC VOICE: *Speaker regrows* Sure, Hotaru-chan. Whatever you want. After all, that's how these get posted to Fanfiction.net... *The Fourth Wall shatters the speaker again. Getting a trend here?* >And thanks for the best birthday present you've ever given me. Not that >I don't love the stuffed bear, but this was a *lot* better. MIHOSHI: (Relena) Yeah, "Anatomically Correct Smoky the Bear" was great, but it didn't have a big enough (BLEEP). >I think JACK: Therefore I am. KUNO: You're what? JACK: Out of the theater. *Vanishes in a puff of smoke* ALL OTHERS: HEY!!! JACK: All right, all right. *Reappears in another puff of smoke* HOTARU: Don't do that again! *Hits Jack* >what-ever else I get at the party tomorrow;" she glanced at the clock, >grinned, and continued; "*today*, this will be my favorite." >"I have a real present," he told her. "I'll have to go back and get >it. What with the rope and the flower and the -- er, paraphernalia, I >couldn't >carry it as well." KUNO: (Heero) Nope, only got two arms, but I could have slipped it up my asshole. JACK: Don't even joke about that! SETSUNA: Hey, carry-on bags on airplanes literally are carry-on bags if he does that! JACK: *Vomits* >The amusement came back into her face, but at this stage Heero no longer >minded. "I think I know where my romance novels keep disappearing to." >"Research," said Heero prosaically. "Inadequate. Things were left out." >She became very earnest all at once, her deep eyes serious. "They're >fantasies, Heero. I don't need fantasies. I just want you in my life. >Don't vanish on me any more. Stay." >He buried his face against her neck so she wouldn't see the satisfaction >on it. "Mission accepted," he murmured. //Mission accomplished,// he >thought in contentment. JACK: A crappy sappy ending. (Flatly) Wow. MIHOSHI: *Sobbing in happiness* It was wonderful! ALL OTHERS: *Facefault* > > > HOTARU: That's over. Let's vamoose. *All exit* (Reverse door sequence) (SoS Bridge. Jack, Setsuna, and Hotaru sit on the couches.) JACK: Setsuna, Hotaru and I have been building a little something in the shuttlebay... It's an escape craft. HOTARU: We want to put Rini and Heero on it to get them out of here. We think we're going to crack soon. SETSUNA: You sure about this? You two could just leave. JACK: We don't want other people to go insane. *Shinji and Skuld enter with most of the others from the SoS* So anyway, the N-constant is... SHINJI AND SKULD: Kami-sama, Skuld needs your help! *BOOOOOOM!!!!!!!* KAMI-SAMA: (O.S.) What is it, Skuld? I was playing "Castlevania Bloodlines" and I was on the final level! SKULD: Can you get me and Shinji off of here? It's not quite hell, but it's close. KAMI-SAMA: (O.S.) All right. Look out the viewport to your left... *All rush to the porthole. A Star Trek-like shuttle is sitting there* Here goes... *Skuld and Shinji disappear from the bridge in a "Voyager"-ish transporter effect* ALL OTHERS ON BRIDGE: *Clamor to go with them* KAMI-SAMA: (O.S., British) NO! (O.S., normal) You'll get your chances later. Now where's that button... ah! *Click* (FWOOSH) \/ \/ \/ \/ -o- /\ /\ /\ /\ AUTHOR'S NOTES Oy, this took a while. Sorry about the delay, but I started this on my Mac and then went to my PC at school and finally to my new laptop. The "(FILE TRANSFER ERROR)"s are my doing, as there were major problems when I transferred it over, ranging from text duplication to deletion to total erasure. Fortunately, I had backups. Next episode: a pair of fics. One is by Sailor Scully, and the other... is what happens when the Senshi go to a bar. Scary. Very scary. I have a surprise for you all: Stephen Ratliff, author of the "Marrissa Picard" series of fanfics, is letting me MST his newest Marrissa story, "Memorial Day." It will be my twentieth episode - but not all of it. Another big wheel in the fanfic world, Shinji the 10 o' Clock Assassin, has agreed to let me MST not one, but two lemons that he wrote! "Quit Pining over Ifurita" will be episode 15, and the other half of episode 20 will be "Hot for Teacher", an EVA lemon. Anyway, my mother just got home with my extra-long cheese coney, onion rings, and Route 44 fresh lime slush from Sonic, so I'll post this quickly and quietly. Enjoy! Tuxedo Jack C@C can be posted on FF.net or mailed to me @ TuxedoJack@satellitesenshi.net Websites: http://www.satellitesenshi.com http://www.satellitesenshi.net http://www.satellitesenshi.org http://www.angelfire.com/gundam/SatelliteSenshi http://www.angelfire.com/tx/gameboss/ (I forgot to tell you that I bought http://www.satellitesenshi.com, http://www.satellitesenshi.net, and http://www.satellitesenshi.org. Cool, ne? They're just portals to the Satellite of Senshi Angelfire site, though.) Stinger: ">and grinded their sweat-slicked bodies together as they took turns >plundering"