"Holy penis, Batman! The Penguin's _umbrella_ is huge!" - Robin, "The Penguin's Rage" Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 112 HOLY HARRY POTTER, BATMAN: "Hermione Granger, Hanson Hater" by Tic Tac - The Orange Kind. HOLY DISCLAIMER, BATMAN: All fics riffed herein are the property of their owners. I make no claim on them. The Senshi and all Sailor Moon beings are the property of Takeuchi-sama. The Ranma 1/2 characters used herein are the property of Takahashi-san, and any and all other anime characters are the property of whomever created them. Tuxedo Jack is my creation. MST3K belongs to Best Brains. Tuxedo Alex, this is dedicated to you - good luck in dealing with EGFAD part 11. Also, my friend Shaun - yes, this is Avanent from the last episode - wrote the EVA commercial in here. This is obviously paying tribute to the Evanjellydonut parody with that product. Enjoy! I'm getting a laptop... I'm getting a laptop... ********************************************************** In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere way-out deep in space, The SoS and its occupants Are caught out of their endless chase! They thought they had beaten Queen Beryl Who had returned to try to rule the world After a long-lasting colossal fight A teleporter sent them all Back to the Satellite! (All Senshi and Jack: BUGGER!) (Rini) So we're still riffing more bad fanfics, (Amy) The worst fics from the 'Net, (la la la) (Hotaru) We'll have to sit and read them all, (Setsuna) Can we survive them all? I bet. (la la la) (Jack) Now keep in mind we can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) We could lose our relative sanity So on each other we must depend! SENSHI ROLL CALL! Setsuna! (Kero-chan check!) Hotaru! (No baka hentai!) Teenage Rini! (Beefcake!!!) Amy! (I like Crow!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other science facts, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "I'm not up there, So I need to sit back and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! *Twang* ********************************************************** (SoS bridge. Urd, Kiyone, Amy, and Misato are sitting deep in thought.) URD: Damn, but I miss screwing. MISATO: Tell me about it. Gendo wasn't too loud outside of the command room, but he was a screamer in the sack. KIYONE: And I miss Nobuyuki, that big hunk of sausage. AMY: You know, Beryl's teleporter still works... Think we should... ALL WOMEN: YES! *They sit back and begin plotting... and the yellow light flashes. Urd absentmindedly slaps the button.* ********************************************************** (Scene: Cheap set. An actor's voice is piped in with a view of a... Condom. Please read this... it's really funny.) CHEAP ACTOR: Got a huge situation? Well, when you need AT Field protection... (Picture of Condom in package) CHEAP ACTOR: Get an EVA Brand Condom! DEEP ACTORS SINGING: (A la "Trojan man") Ee vee ay! MONOTONE VOICE: (A la the Monty Python guy) And there was much rejoicing. MONOTONE CROWD'S VOICES: (Again, like the Monty Python ones) YAY! CHEAP ACTOR: EVA Condom... when you need protection as good as an AT Field! ********************************************************** (SoS Bridge) URD: *Mouth drops* That was... sick. MISATO: HOW THE F(BLEEP)K DID THEY GET THAT?!?? AMY: *Tightens a bolt on the machine* There! It's ready to go! KIYONE: Firing in three... two... one... now! *Fires the machine. The beams of light reemerge... but Kiyone, Misato, and Asuka vanish from the Satellite back to their respective series.* JACK: *Enters* Hey, guys, what're you doing? *Portal opens and various anime males fall out and land on him.* Why does everybody fall on top of _me_? HEERO: What the hell? *Draws gun* Where are we? I want some answers, now! URD: Moron! You mistargeted the machine! AMY: Shut up! *Sees Nephrite* Nephrite! What are you doing here?!? NEPHRITE: Damned if I know. I was in hell, minding my own business, and then I was warped here. JACK: Greaaat... *Sweatdrop* New riffers... *Lights flash, klaxons blare, you know the drill* Aw, great! Now we've got POTTER SIIIIIGN!!!! (Door sequence) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: Team Rocket. You listen to their motto and move on. Door 4: A Nimbus 2000 broomstick. It flies away. Door 3: Harry Potter on his Firebolt. He slams into a wall and collapses out cold to the floor. Door 2: Par Ohmsford. The Wishsong of Shannara incinerates him. Door 1: A view into Hammerspace. It disappears after you see various odd objects. (SoS Theater. Seating Order from left to right: Hotaru, Nephrite, Heero, Urd, Nephrite, and Jack.) JACK: Welcome to hell, everybody. We're to riff bad fanfics here... Hell, let Nephrite fill you in. He's in the group that started it all. NEPHRITE: *Sweatdrop* >Disclaimer: these characters belong to J. K. Rowling JACK: And a point that we all know is slammed home subtly. NEPHRITE: With all the subtlety of a piano falling from ten floors up. >Hermione Granger: HOTARU: Bitch first class. JACK: No argument here. HEERO: Queen Bitch of the Universe! NEPHRITE: No, that honor's reserved for Beryl. >Hanson Hater. URD: A noble sentiment. I hate the bastards too. JACK: Hell, who doesn't? >Hermione Granger was a great student NEPHRITE: For she had memorized the entire dictionary! HEERO: That would make her head explode. JACK: Like this? *Head explodes, flinging mini-dictionaries everywhere. It reassembles.* HEERO: Yes, like that. >and a great friend. But she had one vice. URD: And that vice was... *Notices Hotaru, who has a ki bolt ready* HOTARU: Don't even try it. Remember, you're powerless here. URD: Shut up, Saturn. >Every time she heard Mmbop she would start to JACK: Vomit. HOTARU: Die internally. HEERO: Go into a berserker rage and horribly mutilate everyone nearby with magic and various bladed weapons. ALL OTHERS: !!! *Move away from Heero* HEERO: What? >hiccup. URD: Like Skuld when she drinks too much. >Of course this was when everyone was crazy about Hanson. HOTARU: And _when_ was this? >(You know before they really started to suck.) ALL: Ah. JACK: Mind-probing... >Anyway, she would start to hiccup. NEPHRITE: We get the point! (To riffers) I'm sorry, guys... I had no idea what I was doing when I rejoined Beryl. JACK AND HOTARU: Don't worry about it. >So while everyone else would start to sing Mmbop she would run into her >dormitory and HEERO: Commit suicide. >hide her head under her pillow. HEERO: Close enough. >Even if Mmbop didn't make her hiccup she would have hated it anyway. URD: So would I! >She didn't understand why anyone would like to listen to three whiney teens >singing words no one could understand. JACK: And she's talking about the Backstreet Boys? HOTARU: They're _five_ moronic teens singing f(BLEEP)cked up songs. HEERO: So? >Every time she heard that dumb song and started to hiccup she began to >hate it >more. She finally decided to stay away from Harry and Ron for fear of what >she >might do to them if they played that song again. NEPHRITE: Looks like you were right, Heero. HEERO: Told you so. >Meanwhile Ran HOTARU: Ranma? How'd you get in a Harry Potter fic? NEPHRITE: Cheap joke, cheap joke. >and Harry were trying to figure out why she was avoiding them. URD: (Hermione) Man, guys! Use deodorant! >"Maybe she thinks we smell bad," suggested Ron. ALL: *Stare at Urd* URD: (Innocently) What? >"No if it were that she would have said something," said Harry as he smelled >under his arms, (just in case.) "Why don't we ask her?" ALL: EEEEEEEWWWWW!!! JACK: Even I don't do that! >"Good idea," said Ron, "But we'll need some finding music." Ron reached under >his bed and pulled out a large CD player and started blaring Mmbop as loud as >he could. HOTARU: *Jaw drops* URD: *Gibbers senselessly* HEERO: Omae o korosu... *Whips out gun* NEPHRITE: *Crosses himself* JACK: Son of a bitch... MAGIC VOICE: I agree with you for once. That _is_ wrong. >"Ready to go?" Asked Harry and they set off. ALL MALES: *Hum the Indiana Jones theme* >After about ten minutes of looking they spotted Hermione coming out of the HOTARU: Whorehouse. JACK: Nani?!? HOTARU: Hey, I'm allowed one of these every now and again, right? >library with a couple books in her hand. HOTARU: And a severed pen... JACK: *Claps his hand over her mouth* I never thought that I'd say this, but Hotaru no hentai! >As soon as she heard the music she ran in the other direction dropping her HOTARU: *Big glittery eyes* MMMMMPH!!!!! NEPHRITE: Pokemon game cartridge... >books on the way. HOTARU: *Eyes bug out* MMMMMMPPPPPPHHHHH!!!!! JACK: (Singing) Follow the yellow brick floor... follow the yellow brick floor... >She ran straight into Mr. Filch who was stroking Mrs. Norris HOTARU: *Wrenches Jack's hand from her mouth* And her various genitals! JACK: OSCAR FLASHBACK!!!! *Head explodes, flinging bottles of butterbeer everywhere. It reassembles.* >who flew out of his arms at the impact. She landed in a bubbler. >Soon Hermione had Harry Ron HEERO: Harry Ron: Cousin of Marc Antony. NEPHRITE: Brother to Mark Henry. JACK: Son of Barbara Streisand. HEERO: That one sucked. JACK: Bite me. >and Mr. Filch after her. Professor McGonagall caught them and sent them to ALL MALES: (Evil demonic voice) To _HELL_!!!!!!!!!! >Albus Dumbledore himself. HEERO: So Dumbledore is Satan? URD: Nope, Hillary Clinton is Satan. HEERO: *Shudder* >When Dumbledore asked Hermione to explain herself she blew up. URD: Like a pound of C-4 in Iraq. HOTARU: Or like Jack's head. *Jack's head explodes for the third time, flinging giant boxes of chocolates everywhere. It reassembles... again.* >"I CAN'T STAND MMBOP IT GIVES ME THE HICCUPS AND I HATE IT!" Screamed Hermione. >"Oh that's ok," said Ron, "We like Aqua now." >"I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world!" Sang Harry and Ron. ALL BUT NEPHRITE: *Run around screaming* NEPHRITE: Another transvestite. So? What do you think Zoisite was in Japan? MAGIC VOICE: I thought I told you people not to breach the Fourth Wall! *A wall hits Nephrite in the head and knocks him out.* >"AAAAHHHH," screamed Hermione as she ran out of the room sneezing. >Tic Tac ( The orange kind ) JACK: The fic's over. Let's get out of here! (Reverse door sequence) (SoS bridge. Shinji and Skuld come in, knowing that no one is there...) SKULD: I told you, we're alone. Relax! SHINJI: Sorry, it's just that Misato and Asuka... SKULD: Shut up and kiss me. *Shoves Shinji down onto the black leather sofa and they make out.* JACK: *Enters with the rest of the riffers except for Urd* (Quietly) Whoa! (To riffers) Better pass by and let them have their fun... *He and the others leave to the kitchen. Shinji and Skuld are oblivious to them...* (Kitchen. The riffers are in there, drinking whatever they find. Oce again, Urd is not there...) JACK: Those two? A NERV operative and a goddess? NEPHRITE: That's got to be the most unlikely pair ever. JACK: More than Molly and you? NEPHRITE: Much more unlikely. HEERO: Well, I had an unlikely girlfriend back on Earth... Relena. I'd been told to kill her, but no luck... I fell for her instead. JACK: Likewise. I got Hotaru... *Notices red light flashing and hits the button* (FWOOSH) URD: *Exits theater and sees Shinji and Skuld...* AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! AUTHOR'S NOTES Sorry about the quality of this MSTing. I'm currently in my World History class, discussing the Communist Manifesto with half of my class, and the other half is vegetating - you can guess which one I am. Anyway, someone reviewed my previous episode and said that too many people on the SoS would make me lose their true characters. (Like I ever captured their characters...) Anyway, because of that one request (and a night of re-reading my old MSTings), I decided to send back the three people that I named earlier. I had intended for Jadeite, Ataru Moroboshi, Trowa Barton, and Happosai to come onto the SoS this episode, but 16 characters instead of 23 is much easier to write. I need ideas for host segments! I'm running desperately low! Please send me some! (Also, Sailor Scully, your fic will be MSTed within two days of me receiving it. I'm working on some others now, but as soon as I get it, I'll drop everything and work on it.) Shinji and Skuld... could a more unlikely pair of lovers exist? I doubt it. Anyone disagree with me, send me your pair and why they're so unlikely. Next episode: A tossup between "Kasumi and the Gaki" or three short fics from FF.net. I'll take votes on a Christmas episode from now until December first, so send me your fics! Ja ne, and start cooking them turkeys! Tuxedo Jack TuxedoJack@juno.com Stinger: (New feature!) >She ran straight into Mr. Filch who was stroking Mrs. Norris