"I thought that I'd seen everything... boy, was I wrong." Lisa Kudrow Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 111 HELL'S HORRIBLE HARRYFICS: "A Pointless Poker Game" by Serpentana, "Harry Potter SCREAM" by Jack Ewers, and "Oops! I Did it Again!" by Mina and Labrynth WELL, HELL HATH COME FORTH, AND IT'S A DISCLAIMER: All fics riffed herein are the property of their owners. I make no claim on them. The Senshi and all Sailor Moon beings are the property of Takeuchi-sama. The Ranma 1/2 characters used herein are the property of Takahashi-san, and the Tenchi characters used herein are the property of AIC/Pioneer. The Ah! Megami-Sama! Characters used herein are the property of whomever owns them, and the EVA characters belong to Hayashibara Megumi-san. Tuxedo Jack is my creation. MST3K belongs to Best Brains. I have lost my mind typing this disclaimer. In the not-too-distant future... I actually get a brain... ********************************************************** In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere in time and space, The SoS and its occupants Continue their endless chase! They thought they had beaten Queen Beryl Who had returned to try to rule the world After a long-lasting colossal fight A teleporter sent them all Back to the Satellite! (All Senshi and Jack: BUGGER!) (Rini) But we're still riffing more bad fanfics, (Amy) The worst fics from the 'Net, (la la la) (Hotaru) We'll have to sit and read them all, (Setsuna) Can we survive them all? I bet. (la la la) (Jack) Now keep in mind we can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) We could lose our relative sanity So on each other we must depend! SENSHI ROLL CALL! Setsuna! (Kero-chan check!) Hotaru! (No baka hentai!) Teenage Rini! (Beefcake!!!) Amy! (I like Crow!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other science facts, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "I'm not up there, So I need to sit back and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! *Twang* ********************************************************** (Scene: Satellite of Senshi bridge. A small device is extending itself from the wall - and it's strangely like the TTPOTS. It begins to whirr...) MACHINE: Targets locked on. Energizing beams... *Spits out blue beams of energy* (The Masaki Shrine) TENCHI: Ryoko! Why'd you go and blow up the only working bathroom in the house? RYOKO: Ayeka did it! AYEKA: WHAT?!? *Fires a ki blast at Ryoko* RYOKO: *Nimbly dodges and fires a rogue blast... at Sasami, who is standing nearby. Tenchi yells and jumps to take the blast for her... but the blue beam from the machine envelopes them both and teleports them somewhere else. Kiyone and Mihoshi, both of whom are nearby, get sucked in as well...* (Heaven) URD: So where's this Anvil of Stupidity? SKULD: In your head, Oneechan. URD: Shut up, baka. *Gently smacks Skuld. The beam from the Satellite hits them as well... and they are taken to that strange place.* (NERV Headquarters) MISATO: ASUKA!!! GET THE *#%$ OVER HERE!!! *Chugs a beer and pets Pen Pen's head* ASUKA: And just what are we fighting today, Misato? MISATO: The angels are gone, and we've got a new enemy... (The beam from the Satellite covers their bodies as well as Shinji's, and they are sent to the... Yeah, right! Nice try.) (SoS Bridge, several minutes later. Jack and Hotaru enter.) JACK: Wednesday... damn. It's another fic day here. HOTARU: Erm... Jack? We beat Beryl. She isn't going to send us anything today or ever again. JACK: Hallelujah! *Setsuna enters with Rini* SETSUNA: So who's on the schedule today? JACK: No Beryl, no fic. RINI: I _thought_ so! *Hits Setsuna* Puu! *Red light flashes* JACK: What? Beryl's gone. Why's that light flashing? *Hits button. The hexfield lights up with an image of Beryl* Hey! We killed you! BERYL: Hidey-ho, little lab rats! If you're watching this, it means that you somehow killed me, and therefore thought that it was over. You're WRONG!!! The fics that come along from my automated systems will be as bad or worse than the ones I sent you! Also, I've teleported more people in... meet the new cast! (Urd, Skuld, and the rest of the victims fall out of a small blue portal on to the deck. Skuld wakes up first...) JACK: (Under Skuld) Please get off of me... again. SKULD: HENTAI!!! *Slams her ever-present mallet into Jack's head. He collapses to the deck, out cold.* Where are we? RINI: The Satellite of Senshi... apparently, you're the new riffers Beryl sent out. RANMA: Wow, this place just keeps getting more and more crowded. Think there're enough bedrooms? URD: Shut up. Just shut up.... *Notices Shinji, Asuka, and Misato* NERV! Damn you!!! ASUKA: What the hell are you two? MISATO: They're goddesses! The other angels! ASUKA: Grr... TENCHI: Whoa... what a rush... SASAMI: I think I'm going to puke... JACK: *Wakes up* Well, Halloween has come early... look, there's Asuka Langley! ASUKA: What do you want, baka? JACK: Only that you suffer the fics with us... *THWAP* Just kidding! OW! *THWAP* (Lights flash, klaxons blare) JACK AND HOTARU: We've got POTTER SIIIIIIGN!!!!! (Door Sequence) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: A Quake 3 Railgun. Jack picks it up and fires three shots towards the wall. Door 4: A laptop screen. It folds down to let you all pass through. Door 3: A SVAM logo. It fades into nothingness... Door 2: An automatic door, which opens when you get close. Jack frags it and you pass onwards. Door 1: The helicopter from "The Man Who Knew Too Little". It explodes. (SoS Theater. Seating order from left to right: Asuka, Skuld, Tenchi, Urd, Jack, Hotaru, and Ranma.) RANMA: Welcome to hell, everybody. JACK: Hey, that's my line! (Normal) Anyway, what we do here is riff bad fanfics, and it appears that Beryl left some for us. Here's hoping that they're not lemons or Oscarfics... URD: You've got to be kidding. JACK: Nope. ALL BUT JACK, RANMA, AND HOTARU: S(BLEEP)T!!!!! MAGIC VOICE: Watch the language! Geez! (Grumbling) And I thought that the first lemon was bad... (Normal)Happy Halloween, everybody. ALL: SHOVE IT! MAGIC VOICE: Ungrateful little... >Author: Serpentana URD: Queen of the house of Slytherin. HOTARU: (Serpentine) And ssshe did hisss out sss(BLEEP)tty fanficsss... >A pointless poker game. JACK: *Hammerspaces in card decks and chips* 5 card draw, sixes wild. >I do not own these characters. SKULD: (Author) So I'll steal them! Nya! >6 figures in black cloaks sat around a candle lit table. RANMA: This is _so_ like the Sailor X series... JACK: *Groan* Please, don't mention that fic. >Snape: Yo wolfie. anti up HOTARU: (7-UP Guy) Make Ante up Yours. TENCHI: It's the Anti-7-Up Militia Front! *Scream* >Lupin: alright, alright, 2 chips in. ASUKA: Potato chips... *drool* >Harry: Jeez sir, don't break the bank. ALL: (Harry) SHOVE IT, SIR! >Lupin: eh shadup HOTARU: Spelling and grammar riffs abound in this fic from hell... >Snape: Where is Dumbledore? ASUKA: (Dumbledore) I'm here, you can't see me! Ha ha! URD: (Professor McGonagall, sensuous) Oh, Albus... mmm... oh! *CLANG* SKULD: Don't even start. *Pulls her mallet back* >He's like been the bathroom for like an hour. JACK: My God, Dumbledore's the bathroom? RANMA: Adam Sandler would _love_ this. ASUKA: *Imitates urinating sound* URD: (Snape as a valley girl) Like, cool, like awesome! >Ron: whadaya expect? He's old, probably fell asleep RANMA: (McGonagall) Dammit, Albus! I want to get off, too! *THWAP THWAP* HOTARU: No baka hentai! >Duck from miscellaneous pond: RANMA: Mousse? What are you doing here? JACK: And where the hell did he get that great hand of cards? >quack. ASUKA: (Nature guy) And here we have the rare Duckus Pokerus in its natural habitat... an illegal casino. >Ron: How is that duck winning. SKULD: The same way that non-dairy creamer works. URD: How _does_ that stuff work, anyway? SKULD: (eerie) No one knows... JACK: (Mulder) The truth _is_ out there, Scully... >Harry: who knows HOTARU: (little kid) I know! I know! TENCHI: You do? HOTARU: No f(BLEEP)ckin' clue. TENCHI: For once, I'll agree with you. >Black: how did a duck even learn to play poker? TENCHI: The same way that I learned to... (evil) DISCO DANCE!!! ALL BUT TENCHI: *Scream* *THWAP THWAP WA-TAK AXPHYSIATE IMMOLATE BLAM POW THWAP!!!* Don't _do_ that!!! >Snape: How is he even holding his cards? JACK: He's using the Force. RANMA: (_Exact_ Obi-Wan) Use the Force, Mousse... >Lupin: How come a duck is even here? HOTARU: Because he's there. Get over it. >Black: Harry, give me another card will ya? JACK: (Harry) Not a chance in hell, convict-boy! >Snape: Kay, HOTARU: (Mr. Mackey) Mmmkay, I'm bored as hell here... mmmkay? >I don't think Dumbledor is coming back, URD: (Kami-sama) Yup, Dumbledore, you're going to hell. KAMI-SAMA: Watch it, Urd. URD: Eeep... >im looking at his cards... Aw Crap I fold. JACK: Good! Go fold my assorted bed linens! HOTARU: The Garfield ones, or the Sailor Senshi linens? JACK: HEY!!!! HOTARU: *Snicker snicker* >Lupin: Me too >Harry: Ditto TENCHI: Getting a trend here? >Black: Im out >Ron: so am I ALL: (Singing) Repetition... oh, I just saw a fic with repetition... >Snape: does that mean... URD: (Fozzie from the Muppets) I'm NAKED!!!! SKULD: *CLANG* Stop it, oneechan! >THE DUCK WON! RANMA: *Bursts out laughing* Mousse, win something? He can't even see the frickin' cards! >Duck: quack HOTARU: Wow! More amazing duck-speak! SKULD: Let me translate. *Whips out dictionary* Quack... "Get me a drink, suckers; you've been taken by a master." >Proffesor McGonagall comes URD: (McGonagall) Albus, it took you _that_ long? *CLANG WA-TAK* SKULD AND HOTARU: NO HENTAI! >in : Gambling! Dumbldore will hear of this! RANMA: (McGonagall) Unless you let me play! >Lupin: He was playing too but we think he fell in the bathtub and >can't get out. JACK: (Steve Urkel) I've fallen and I can't get up! >Harry: Lets play roulette instead. TENCHI: Russian Roulette! HOTARU: (McGonagall) I'll get the gun! >Zaps up a wheel and a table. >Snape : 50 000 Galleons on red. >Harry... Black ALL: (Nelson Muntz) Ha ha! >Black: Yes >Snape :shit. JACK: (Graham Chapman) Oh, shit. URD: Is that it? RANMA: Yep. Let's get out of here. *All exit through the door* (Reverse door sequence) (SoS Bridge. The riffers from the "Poker" fic head off to the holodeck... all except Jack. Misato, Shinji, Sasami, Kiyone, and Mihoshi are sitting around on the various objects d'furniture, and in Mihoshi's case, on a barstool.) KIYONE: I have a feeling that I've been on a satellite like this before... MIHOSHI: Yeah, Kiyone, you were! Remember when you and that kawaii robot sat through the fic about me in a Star Trek episode? KIYONE: Great. Another friggin' satellite with friggin' fanfics. JACK: Ah, it could be worse. You could be stuck back on Earth forever. So, who's going to work on the next fic with me? KIYONE: Might as well. I've got nothing better to do. MIHOSHI: I'm out for now, but maybe the time after next! SASAMI: Count me in! I'll make the most of my time here! MISATO: You have beer in that theater of yours? JACK: Hammerspace brand, nicely chilled with whatever you want as a side. MISATO: (Homer Simpson) Whoo-hoo! SHINJI: Leave me out of this. The fic after next will be all right. JACK: All right... *Klaxons blare, lights flash, you know the drill...* and it appears that we've got _another_ POTTER SIIIIGN!!!!! (Door sequence version 2.0) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: Microsoft Word 2000. While it virus-scans the next document to open, you jump past. Door 4: The highest prime number in existence. It flashes once then disappears. Door 3: A Mr. Pibb bottle. It opens to reveal a winning cap. Door 2: Dipsy and Laa-laa. Jack screams and beats them into unconsciousness. Door 1: A bottle of Coors Light. Misato takes it and chugs it. (SoS Theater... again. Seating order: Jack, Sasami, Misato, Kiyone.) MISATO: Ah... good American beer. SASAMI: Do you _have_ to get drunk in here? JACK: It helps, as an old friend of mine once said. >Author: Milky Ire SASAMI: Aren't ire and anger almost always red? >Harry Potter SCREAM! MISATO: Harry Potter III - the long-awaited continuation to the "Scream" series! JACK: It follows up on the slasher "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"! KIYONE: Which should have remained secret... >by. Jack Ewers JACK: A man much like myself... in no respects but one. KIYONE: What, you write crappy fanfics too? JACK: Well, that's a second respect... I meant the first name. >It was Summer Break Harry SASAMI: And Summer Break Harry is when? JACK: (Cheesy WWF Announcer voice) It's the Summer break Harry event, in which all comers get to break Harry Potter over their knees! >and Ron where staying the summer at Hermione's. KIYONE: Riff? Riff? Oh, where are you? MISATO: At Hermione's with Ron and Harry. JACK: And just _were_ is that? SASAMI: Cheap grammar riff, cheap grammar riff... >They Where driven there MISATO: My God, can this guy even write correctly? It's like he failed English I. >by one of the ministrys JACK: Insane staffers with a death wish. KIYONE: (Driver) Let's take this detour over the bridge! It'll cut three decades... JACK: (Driver, under his breath) Off your life... >cars. Harry reached for the door but at that instant Hermione Opened in with >a >long ALL: EEEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!! JACK: Is Hermione Oscar or something? >look on her face. ALL: *Sigh in relief* >"theres somthing you should see" JACK: (Hermione) It's a tape called "Debbie Does Dallas"... *THWAP* OW!!! KIYONE: *Tucks her gun back into her holster* _No._ >she said with a muggle video tape. KIYONE: *Eyes widen and she slaps a hand over Jack's mouth before he can speak* JACK: MMMPPPPHHH!!! >They walked in. SASAMI: We walked out. *All get up to leave. The door is locked, however, and they sit back down in their seats* >Hermione put the tape into the Vcr. KIYONE: Jack, I'll take my hand off your mouth if you'll stop making hentai riffs. JACK: *Mumbles like Kenny* KIYONE: I'll take that as a yes. *Removes hand* >HArry was suprised to see Cedric diggory. MISATO: AnD HArrY DiD REAliZe thAt CEdRiC waS ToRgO! ALL OTHERS: ACK! MISATO! >"I told you id make a movie someday hey hey!" JACK: So Cedric works for id Software? MISATO: (Insane) They're coming to take me away, hey, hey! They're coming to take me away! SASAMI: That riff sucked. MISATO: I was going for a rhyme, and did I ask for an editorial? >he said smiling. KIYONE: Kiyone said "shooting". *Shoots the screen* SASAMI: Sasami said "cooking". MISATO: Misato said "chugging beer". *Pulls four beers from a cooler by her seat and chugs them* JACK: Jack said "wow". (Stoner) Wow... >"well if your watching watching this tape It mean SASAMI: (Cedric) The tape tried to kill me! It's evil, I tell you, _evil_! JACK: That sounds _so_ wrong coming from you. SASAMI: Ah, bite me. >I didnt survive the murders at hogwarts triwizard tournement and giving up my >virginity to pansey parkenson in the Library was not such a good idea" ALL: _PANSY PARKINSON???_ >"Pansy Pakenson?" ALL: We just said that! >Ron asked "yes pansy parkenson" JACK: (Singing) Repetition! I just saw a fic with repetition! SASAMI: Like so many others... MISATO: (Singing a la Julie Andrews) Repetition is one of my favorite things... >"creepy Pansey?" KIYONE: My God, the fic's repeating itself! >"hey shut up shes a sweet person JACK: Pfft. And cyanide tastes like chocolate cake. >we were putting away some books in the restricted section SASAMI: And we know _why_ they're restricted... KIYONE: Do not even start. >and you know shit happens" JACK: (Dogbert) And what if that kills every being in an alternate universe? MISATO: (Dilbert) Shift happens. JACK: (Dogbert) Fire that sucker up. >" im making this tape so my lifes work will not be ruined that my lagecy will >live on so ALL WOMEN: (Singing) my heart will go on... JACK: AIEEE!!!! TITANIC!!! EVIL!!! *BLAM!!!* *Head explodes, flinging several thousand packets of Starbursts everywhere. A few seconds later, it reassembles.* >that my death will be not in vain that I can save some other poor soul from >being mutilated KIYONE: Then get us out of here! >well if Voldemort comes back and hes for real same rules apply but if your >dealing with an JACK: Bad anime crossover involving a satellite, sixteen riffers trapped there, and fanfics that are the equivalent of several million piles of crap... MAGIC VOICE: Dammit, kid, stop the Fourth Wall bits or I swear I'll make you read "Chibi-Usa's Seventh Birthday" and "Artemis' Lover" - unMSTed. Repeatedly. JACK: AIEEE!!!! I'll be good! >unexpected back story MISATO: What the hell is that? KIYONE: (Talking scale from Garfield) It appears to be a large blob of fat, sir! >then the rules do not apply cause your dealing with a umm.... a SASAMI: Crappy fanfics. >5iligy KIYONE: Ah, the "Legend of Zelda" series! >a rarity in almost anything but it does exist cause a true uhh... 5iligy means JACK: Certain death for us. KIYONE: The Communists will fall. SASAMI: I'll get laid? KIYONE: STOP IT, KID! I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU! >going JACK: To _HELL!!!_ >back to the beging and finding out somthing you didnt know from the get go >Red >wall MISATO: Or the Berlin Wall... >Animorphs all showed somthing you didnt SASAMI: Want to see... especially the Squirrel Nut-sack dance. JACK: Which can be found at http://www.deeznuts.com/~deez. KIYONE: How'd you _do_ that? JACK: What? Memorize a web address? KIYONE: No, speak in hyperlinks. JACK: Blame MS Word. MAGIC VOICE: That's it, punk! It's an Oscarfic for you tonight! JACK: Sorry, sorry! It was an accident! MAGIC VOICE: Okat, okay... that's your one screwup. No more, you hear? JACK: (humble) Yes, sir... >think was true well if it is a 5ilogy you are KIYONE: Going to die. >dealing with here are some super 5ilogy rules #1 the villains gonna be super >human patronus wont work snapping spell wont work in the 5th one ya gotta >decapitate him turn his skin inside out or blow him up, MISATO: Wow! Sounds like a normal day out in the EVA Units! >#2 even the main charecter can die that means you harry im sorry >its the final chapter it could be fuckin three headed dogs before this things >through, ALL: EEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!! JACK: Magic Voice, can we _please_ censor these things? MAGIC VOICE: No can do, Jack - they've got to be verbatim. JACK: *Whimper* KIYONE: please? MAGIC VOICE: (British) NO! >#3 forget the past what ever you thought about the past forget it the past >is >not at rest the past is gonna bite ya back in the ass any sins that where >commited in the past are gonna break out and destroy you SASAMI: Like pimples. MISATO: Or an escaped murderer who wants to kill everything and everybody. >well good luck gods >speed and for some of you ill see ya soon cause the >rules say some of you arent gonna make it I didnt not if you watching this >tape"he ended it JACK: Thank the kamis! He committed suicide! KIYONE: (Secret agent from "The Man Who Knew Too Little") Spenser - did you take the girl to the bathroom? MISATO: (Bill Murray from the same movie) No. She went to the _loo_... by herself. KIYONE: (Secret agent guy) By herself... suicide! >turned to fuzz. SASAMI: Like a peach. KIYONE: Is that it? > > > JACK: Let's get out of here. That was just awful. *All exit* (SoS Bridge. This troupe heads off the the holodeck... and Rini, Amy, Shinji, and Mihoshi enter and sit on the couches. Jack is quite clearly exhausted, as he's downing three "Trucker's Choice" caffeine pills... at once. He follows that with a bottle of Jolt.) JACK: That was god-awful. Where does she find this crap? AMY: You said it before - the RAAC server! JACK: No... I think that these came from Fanfiction.net. AMY: So who's up for the next one? SHINJI: *Sigh* I said I would. MIHOSHI: (cheery) I'll do it! ^_^ RINI: What the hell. I'll have a go at it. AMY: Me too. Let's make it a party of five. JACK: All right... *Sings the "Party of Five" theme song* (Lights flash, klaxons sound, you know the drill) JACK: We've got POTTER^3 SIIIIIGN!!!!! (Door sequence version 3.0) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: Yukinojo. He deactivates himself. Door 4: Harry Potter. Jack screams and attacks him, but Harry Apparates somewhere else and escapes. Door 3: The woman from the "Church's Chicken" commercial. She sets the wall on fire, and when it's burned out, you pass through it. Door 2: A Pokeball. You open it, and Squirtle pops out. He uses "Water Gun" on Mihoshi's T-shirt... Door 1: Dr. Thinker. You strike up a conversation... and Mihoshi passes out from boredom. You carry her into the theater... (SoS Theater... for the third time. Seating order: Rini, Shinji, Amy, Jack, Mihoshi.) MIHOSHI: Wow! A movie! JACK: (Under his breath) If only you knew... RINI: Well, here goes nothing... >Oops I Did It Again JACK: *Perks up* Britney Spears? She's not _that_ bad... RINI: You're forgetting... this is a crossover with Harry Potter. MIHOSHI: Eeeewww... something stinks! JACK: Just the automated scent dispenser ... it's not quite working right. Sorry. RINI: You farted, didn't you? JACK: Sorry. >By Mina RINI: Venus... grr... I'll get you for this! >and Labyrinth SHINJI: Who has swallowed many young men. RINI AND AMY: *Snicker* SHINJI: What? Oh... my... GOD... THAT'S SICK!!! JACK: Trust me, make all the hentai jokes you want here... Hotaru and Setsuna aren't in the theater, and neither is Kiyone. >I think I did it again, JACK: Well, you ought to know, wouldn't you? After all, you're the one doing it. >I blew up your head... RINI: Show 'em, Jack! JACK: Righty-ho! *Head explodes, flinging mini-Tom Servos everywhere. It reassembles after a few seconds.* SHINJI AND MIHOSHI: Cool! MIHOSHI: Hey, there's that kawaii robot again! ^_^ *Avanent appears out of nowhere and adds an intresting comment* AVANENT: Yay! Tom Servos for every one! No more sharing the sweet insides. *Avanent disappears* JACK: Ookay. *Sweatdrop* Moving on... >And stole her man... RINI: Yep, that's what I'd do. AMY: Greg? Greg? Are you out there? >Oh dammit. ALL: WE AGREE! >It might seem like some shit, MIHOSHI: But it's really reprocessed food paste! >But you know it is, SHINJI: Plastique... *drools* >Better than my dick ALL GIRLS: And it's called a vibrator! JACK AND SHINJI: *Groan* JACK: Next they'll be bottling orgasms. >Refrain 1: MIHOSHI: Refrain - from writing this song! >But to lose all my * Censored! * ALL: Wha... JACK: And just _who's_ censoring this? After all, they just used the word _penis_ and no one objected to that... >That is just so manly of me! SHINJI: Kaworu, oh, Kaworu... gimme a f(BLEEP)ckin' break here. >Oh Draco, Draco ALL BUT SHINJI: *Stare at him* SHINJI: *Sweatdrop* >Refrain 2: RINI: (Tour Guide) Please refrain from playing with plastic explosives while on the Satellite of Senshi. >Oops I did it again, ALL: (Singing a la Julie Andrews) Do... a deer, a female deer... Re-petition, oh, it sucks... >I played with your wand, JACK: I think we're moving into yaoi territory here. SHINJI: Blindfolds out? JACK: No, I've got to learn to defeat these fics. They're only going to get worse... SHINJI: Suit yourself. *Ties on his blindfold* RINI: Wimps. >Put it up my ass too. JACK: You were right, Shinji. AMY: *Turns green* MIHOSHI: I hope he cleans it when he's done with it... >Oh Malfoy, Malfoy ALL: (Singing) Oh, this is crappy... >Oops you think I'm a man, AMY: *Vomits* JACK: Looks like Lorena Bobbitt got to him. MAGIC VOICE: Yep, and you'll be doing a little story called "Kasumi and the Gaki" soon... and it's by Jack Staik. JACK: Ah, well... sounds cool. RINI: Is it anything like "Sailor Moon: Redux"? MAGIC VOICE: Nope, it's worse. JACK: Sounds cool. >Darling, think again, MIHOSHI: Yep, he's Lorena Bobbit-ed. >I bet you're good in bed. ALL FEMALES: Nope, he sucks. JACK AND SHINJI: Wouldn't know, don't want to know. >You see my problem is clear: AMY: (Ben Stein) Clear Eyes. JACK: (Dull voice) Wow. >I'm jacking away, JACK: Hey, what am I doing in here? RINI: *Collapses laughing* JACK: Hey... *Realizes what he just said* HEY!!! >Looking at pictures of you standing bare. JACK: Shinji, hand me that blindfold... NOW!!! SHINJI: Where are you? I can't see to find you... *Lifts blindfold...* AIEEEEE!!!! *Faints* JACK: Oops... >I cry hearing you flirt, ALL: (Screaming) HEARING YOU FLIRT!!! >With that Gryffindor girl, AMY: (Announcer) Hermione Gryffindor... secret agent. >The Mudblood dirt! MIHOSHI: (Ebonics) So's yo mama! >R 1 RINI: (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) R17 is not a fixed velocity, but it is clearly far too fast. >R 2 x 2 JACK: Let's see... that's R^4. >A/N: ALL: A/Nti Harry Potter Fics? Why, yes, we are! >Labyrinth: * comes into the room* Hi, everyone!!!! JACK: (Labyrinth) My name is Labyrinth... and I'm an alcoholic. ALL OTHERS: HI, LABYRINTH. SHINJI: Gruuu... *Wakes up* Is it over yet? >* waves* Uh, yea, no, yeah, ok, bye!!! SHINJI: It's _not_?!?!? *Faints again* JACK: Crap. >Mina: DON'T FLAME ME!!!! MIHOSHI: We won't flame you... AMY: We'll KILL you!!! >Flame her!!!! * points to Labyrinth * She made me write this!!! JACK: (Dryly) Let me guess... the Imperius Curse. >* sobs * It's...... weird!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL: NO S(BLEEP)T, SHERLOCK! >BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE!!!!!!!!! RINI: (Announcer) Brought to you by America's Dairy Farmers. >*hits herself on the head with a bottle of Evian* NO!!!! STOP IT!!!!! I DON'T >WANT TO HEAR IT!!!!!!!!! JACK: Then you shouldn't have written the damned thing. >* storms out of the room yelling: * That is the last time I trust my JACK: Girlfriend! RINI: Psychiatrist! MIHOSHI: Mother! >psychiatrist! RINI: I win! JACK: The horror's over... let's get out of here! *Exit all* (Reverse Door Sequence) (SoS Bridge. All riffers sit on couches... except those who did no riffing today.) KIYONE: That really sucked. What's next? JACK: Well, usually we bitch and moan about it, but today, since new people arrived here, we'll bitch and moan about that, too. KIYONE: It could be worse, you know. JACK: How so? KIYONE: Mihoshi could... *Sweatdrop* Oh, kamis... she did... JACK: Did what? *Mihoshi enters, dressed like Britney Spears...* MIHOSHI: (Singing) Oops, I did it again... ALL OTHERS: *Scream and run around the deck wildly. In the furor, one of them hits the button...* (FWOOSH) AUTHOR'S NOTES Sorry it took so long, but school's been a bitch. I've got to do a timeline for Spanish III in Macromedia Flash by Thanksgiving... and then I've got more work... ay, caramba. On the plus side, though, my mom found about five thousand dollars worth of old savings bonds that belong to me, and we're cashing them in this weekend. What, you may ask, am I getting? The answer is simple, dear reader... a friggin' laptop so I can work on these at any time!!! This was meant as a Halloween MSTing, but due to circumstances beyond my Control... i.e. my parents banning me from my computer... I had to finish it today. My apologies. Who is Avanent, you wonder? His name's Shaun, and he's a friend of mine from school. He sent me fodder for the next MSTing, and it'll be a short before the full MSTing of a Jack Staik fic - "Kasumi and the Gaki"! Cheers! Next fic: Assorted horny people long for male companionship... Beryl's device gets reactivated... and everyone's _favorite_ panty thief comes to the SoS! Who is it? Find out next episode! Anyway, good luck with stuff out there, and I hope you all gorge on your candy from Halloween. (I sat in the bushes and soaked people who came by with the hose and a Miracle-Gro sprayer filled with red water and cornstarch. You should have seen the look on their faces...) Ja ne! Tuxedo Jack TuxedoJack@juno.com http://www.angelfire.com/gundam/SatelliteSenshi Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 A Totally Useless Softweird Production Copyright 2000 All rights reserved Schedule currently unavailable, due to renovation...