"Does anyone have anything interesting yet unproductive to say?" - Dilbert TUXEDO ALEX': "Some day, I'll have huge breasts and a big ass!" - Aun, "Photon: The Idiot Adventures" TUXEDO JACK'S: "Say goodbye to your two best friends... and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago!" - Dark Helmet, "Spaceballs" MYSTERY SAILOR SCIENCE THEATER 6333 1/3 A VERY SPECIAL CO-MSTING, RIFFED BY TUXEDO ALEX AND TUXEDO JACK SEASON FINALE: FIT TO BE TIED OR A TALE OF NINE KITTIES BY BLAINE AND HACHI MACHI But before we go on, let's get to the: DELUXE DISCLAIMERS! (Tuxedo Alex and Tuxedo Jack have come up to a podium that has randomly appeared. Alex takes his turn to speak.) 1) This is a special dual episode for both our series, and coincidentally, it is a special dual Season Finale! This counts as MST 3333 1/3: Episode 20 for Tuxedo Alex, and MSMT3K: Episode 109 for Tuxedo Jack. 2) LEMON!!!!!! SICK LEMON!!!!! WORSE THAN AN OSCARFIC!!!!! 3) And now, everyone's FAVORITE part, the Copyright disclaimers! Take it away, Jack. - First of all, all Sailor Moon characters belong to Takeuchi-sama. - All Ranma 1/2 characters belong to Takahashi-san. - All of Tuxedo Alex's characters belong to him. - Tuxedo Jack belongs to me. Duh. - MST3K belongs to Best Brains. - The fic belongs to Blaine and Hachi Machi, and for all we care, they can flush it. - PLUS (ahem, cutting in here) This MSTing was done with fun in mind, and completely for entertainment value. We do not mean any offense to the authors of this fic, or to our reading audience. 4) *WARNING**WARNING**WARNING* THIS FIC IS A LEMON. THAT MEANS IT HAS ADULT CONTENT - HENTAI. THE FIC AND ITS SUBSEQUENT RIFFING PORTIONS CONTAIN SIZEABLE HELPINGS OF HENTAI. IF YOU ARE UNDER 18, OFFENDED BY SUCH MATERIAL, OR HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, GO NO FURTHER. WE CAN'T STOP YOU, BUT WE CAN WARN YOU. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200. CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED. 5) TUXEDO ALEX: Please excuse our unusual hyper-activity. This being our respective season finales, we have no choice but to bounce off the walls. Now that that's done, we go to the new theme song! (Especially since this is a co-MSTing...) @@@@@ In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere deep in hell, I think, Queen Beryl and Dr. Forrester are Hatching plans that really stink! They caught a pair of bishonen named Alex and Jack, Just some superheroes who like to wear black Their evil plans needed a good test case, So they whacked them in the head and then They shot them into space! (Alex and Jack: Oh, S(BLEEP)T!!!!!) (Zoisite) We'll send them crappy fanfics, The worst there can possibly be, (la la la) (Malachite) They'll have to sit and read them all (TV's Frank) And keep their GPAs above three. (la la la) (Beryl and Forrester) Now the Tuxy boys, they can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) To keep their relative sanity, Upon each other they must depend! RIFFER ROLL CALL! Alex! (Don't call me Tuxy!) Hotaru! (Lemon! AIEEEEE!!!!!) Sailor Silver Knight! (Hentai? NO!!!) Jaaaaaack! (That's one A!) If you're wondering how they eat and sleep, And other science facts, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "I'm not up there, Now I need to sit back and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Science Theater 6333 and 1/3! *Twang* @@@@@ SATELLITE OF SENSHI (We are currently on the SOS Bridge. Rini and Setsuna are in one corner, talking, and Ranma and Kodachi are on the black leather couch making out. Jack enters with Hotaru on his arm.) JACK: (Sees Ranma and Kodachi) Geez, you two, get a room. (To Setsuna) Setsuna, can I talk to you in private for a minute? (Disengages from Hotaru with a kiss and walks over to Setsuna. A small printout appears from inside his tuxedo.) Setsuna, the scanners show an Improbability Field ahead... have you or Amy been doing any experiments lately? SETSUNA: (Baffled) No, not that I know of. We just built the invention for this week, though... JACK: And that is... SETSUNA: A plot contrivance generator. You turn it on, fire it, and a random plot contrivance emerges from a small space/time portal in front of it. JACK: That could do it... (A strap of Setsuna's nightie falls down her shoulder) Are you completely over that aphrodisiac that you ingested? Totally and completely over? SETSUNA: Small Lady and I might have some lingering effects, but we're fine. Amy, however, is a different matter... she's still hyper. Not sex-crazed, but just hyperactive. JACK: Erm... how much sleep has she gotten? SETSUNA: Maybe twelve hours in the last week. JACK: Then tell her to rest or we'll have to force a sedative on her. Anyway, you better fix your nightie. The right strap's falling down. SETSUNA: Is it now? (Ignores the strap and lunges towards Jack. Jack runs away... again... with Setsuna in hot pursuit.) JACK: (Terrified) SOMEBODY HELP MEEE!!!!!! @@@@@ SATELLITE OF LOVE (All of the crew are seen wandering the Bridge in the dark, flashlights at the ready. Tom has configured his head to look like a giant light bulb. Crow turned his eyes into mini-flashlights. Tuxedo Alex is at the front while Sailor Silver Knight and Falcon Knight are checking the computers in the back.) TUXEDO: Hey, everyone, welcome to the S(BLEEP)t Outta Luck... err... uh... Satellite Of Love. This ship can't survive much longer. S.KNIGHT: Yeah, all that's left running are the navigational computers, the Hexfield, although barely, and life support. We haven't even found the stupid flaw yet! TOM: So, long story short, we're screwed royally. CROW: Looks that way. (The Hexfield slowly opens to reveal a rather large hole right outside. A massive electrical storm is raging inside it. Falcon rushes towards the computer to check it out.) FALCON: Hey guys! I'm reading a huge anomaly outside the ship! S.KNIGHT: Aw, s(BLEEP)! As if we didn't have enough problems. CROW: Silver? S.KNIGHT: (Realizes her outburst.) Sorry about that... TUXEDO: Do you know what it is, Adam? FALCON: I don't know, but an energy surge is heading straight us! TOM: TAKE COVER!!! (A bolt of pure energy crashes into the ship, sending it into a slight talespin. After a few minutes of shaking, suddenly the computers of the SOL begin to flash. All dismantled pieces, frayed wires, and assorted pizza boxes, disappear and return to their rightful places, functioning normally. Power is restored, and everything seems to be functioning well.) TUXEDO: What the... FALCON: (Checks the computers) It looks like... it looks like everything's fixed! CROW: Huh? S.KNIGHT: Woah...this is SO Deus Ex Machina! @@@@@ And finally, somewhere in a dark laboratory... "Finally!" Washu stood up from her chair and stretched. "I did it!" She looked at the product of her hours of labor: a newly forged Improbability Field Generator. "What should I do with this little baby?" All of a sudden, she got a nasty idea. "Oh, Ayeka? Would you come here for a minute?" Ayeka opened the door... and Washu fired the Generator. A beam of bright gold-and-green light raced from it towards Ayeka... but when it hit, nothing happened... or so it seemed. "What did you want, Washu?" Ayeka politely inquired. "Never mind," Washu sighed. Her device didn't work at all... at least, not for her... @@@@@ BACK ON THE SOS... (Setsuna is pinned to the couch by a huge block of ice which has clamped around her arms and legs. Hotaru stands guard over her, aiming her Silence Glaive at Setsuna. Jack enters, holding a vial.) JACK: This should do it... it's a more powerful version of the anaphrodisiac dust we made earlier. (Sprinkles it over Setsuna) That should tone down her horniness to a fairly low level. HOTARU: How concentrated is it? JACK: I figure it would stop President Clinton for about... oh, maybe a day. HOTARU: Wow. That's pretty strong! SETSUNA: (Normal) What the hell is going on here? Why the hell am I frozen on to this couch? SOMEBODY ANSWER ME!!! JACK: Yep, she's back to normal. Hey... something's weird here... HOTARU: (Whips out Game Boy-like scanner) Scanning... (She presses various buttons) JACK: Find anything? HOTARU: No, but I got a free game of Bomberman! Cool! JACK: Gimme that! (Snatches at the Game Boy) Anyway, it would seem that the Improbability Field is growing stronger.. someone must have fired a generator up. HOTARU: But who the hell would have one? JACK: (Grim) I can guess... SETSUNA: GET ME OUTTA HERE!!! HOTARU: Great, and now the Priestesses of Mount Muldoon are calling. (Hits button) (NegaCave) BERYL: Good morning, my little Bugroms! And are you ready for today's fic? (SOS) JACK: How bad can it be? HOTARU: It's not like that old diary entry you found, is it? (NegaCave) BERYL: It's worse... much worse. I lost my lunch when I read it... ZOISITE: Anyway, what's your invention for us this week? (SOS) JACK: (Hefts small silver-and-blue pistol) It's a Plot Contrivance Gun. Needless to say, it summons plot contrivances... but what with the Improbability Field around the Satellite... HOTARU: Oh, just shoot the damned gun! (Grabs it from Jack and fires three blasts. The first redecorates the bridge in a techno-functional style, the second opens a wormhole in space/time, and the third destroys the gun.) WORMHOLE!!! RUN!!! @@@@@ BACK ON THE SOL... TOM: I don't get it. One second, this ship is hanging on by a thread. The next moment, everything is functioning again? S.KNIGHT: (Checks the navigational computers with Falcon.) I know, but now we're back at full power, we can find out, I guess. TUXEDO: What is it? FALCON: (Reads the screen.) Aw, crap! It's an Improbability Field! CROW: A what? TUXEDO: Improbability Field. It's a huge storm cloud in space that causes energy fluctuations in the Space/Time continuum. One surge can make anything happen randomly. TOM: So this thing is mainly a huge plot contrivance that really exists. TUXEDO: I guess you can say that. (The lights flash in the Satellite.) And I guess you can say that Krillin and Maron are calling... (The Hexfield opens up to see Dr. Forrester completely aghast. He can't believe that the Satellite had been mysteriously fixed. Frank is in the background talking to the mysterious stranger on Dr. F.'s cell phone.) DR. F.: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY HARDWARE FLAW! S.KNIGHT: YOUR hardware flaw? DR. F.: DAMMIT! I had a bomb set to go off in the theater! And it was programmed with viruses to shut down the Satellite beforehand! IT'S NOT FAIR!!! CROW: Well, you can thank the Incontinence Field for that! TUXEDO: Improbability Field, idiot. CROW: Whatever. It means the same thing. TOM: No it doesn't! CROW: Yes it does! DR. F.: SILENCE!!! (He quickly composes himself.) Okay... Improbability Field or not, I am REALLY mad! So, this week's invention is something I've been saving for a special occasion. It's REALLY going to go down hard! And I do mean HARD! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! FALCON: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've been through worse. DR. F.: Even Oscar? ALL: ... ... ... ...SH(BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!)T DR. F.: And with your language problem, you'll have to watch it TWICE! HAHAHAHAHA! (Frank puts away the cell phone and joins the evil Doctor.) FRANK: Hey, uh, Steve? The Boss called, and... DR. F.: Shut up, Frank! I'm having a moment! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!... FRANK: But Doc! The Boss says if they don't go insane this time, we'll be... (Frank suddenly disappears from view. Dr. F., who is still laughing, fails to notice.) TUXEDO: Dammit! Oscar! Not him! Not now! S.KNIGHT: This can't be happening... FALCON: Guys, I think we have bigger problems than him... TUXEDO: Why's that? FALCON: Look behind you! (A large wormhole opens up within the Bridge. A temporary vacuum is created, sucking in Tuxedo Alex, Sailor Silver Knight, and Crow, meanwhile, spitting out a few new figures on the other side...) @@@@@ BACK ON THE SOS... (Everyone on the bridge tries to run... but some aren't fast enough... and Rini, Setsuna, Kodachi, and Ranma are sucked in. In exchange, the wormhole spits out three things... Tuxedo Alex, Sailor Silver Knight, and Crow!) CROW: What a ride... (looks around) What the f(BLEEP)ck? TUXEDO ALEX: What the hell? Where are we? S. KNIGHT: Ugh... I think I'm going to throw up... JACK: Whoa! What is this? AMY: Congratulations, new visitors! You're on the Satellite of Senshi... and it's a fic day. TUXEDO: Oh, great. We escape from the Satellite of Love... and land on ANOTHER SATELLITE? DAMMIT!!! (Sees Amy) Wait a sec... Amy-chan... (Goes off into a quick dream state) Am I in heaven? S. KNIGHT: No way! If this was heaven, you'd have Amy, and I'd have... (Sees Jack)... Darien? Ooh... (Dream state) CROW: Nope, this ain't heaven. There aren't any f(BLEEP)in' Puma Twins in bikinis! JACK: She thinks I'm Darien... (Snickers) @@@@@ BACK (AGAIN) ON THE SOL... (Setsuna, Rini, Ranma Saotome, and Kodachi Kuno all end up on the Bridge as the wormhole dissipates.) FALCON: The f(BLEEP)ck? SETSUNA: Where the hell are we? GYPSY: (Entering) What's going on? Oh, we have visitors! RINI: Ooh! Gypsy! (Runs over to Gypsy and begins a conversation) GYPSY: Have we met? RANMA: We're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die... KODACHI: Then let's get in one last... *THWAP* SETSUNA: _No._ FALCON: Great. My friends disappear, and I get the loonies from other shows? TOM: Where'd Crow go? Oh, man... I still didn't get my Palm Pilot game back!!! (Down at Deep 13 1/3, Malachite suddenly appears from where Frank used to be. Dr. Forrester finally finishes his laughing to notice.) DR. F: Frank! Send them the Oscarfic! MALACHITE: My name is not Frank. It's Malachite. DR. F.: Huh? What are you doing here? Where's Frank? MALACHITE: How the hell should I know? DR. F: (Sigh) Oh well. Just press that red button over there... MALACHITE: No. DR. F.: WHAT? You dare defy me? PRESS THAT BUTTON!!! MALACHITE: I think not... (Malachite starts kicking Dr. Forrester around the lab. Falcon Knight and Tom watch through the hexfield and cheer Malachite on.) TOM: All right! Kick his ass! FALCON: Go! Go! Burn the Oscar 'fic while you're at it! MALACHITE: Did you say "Oscarfic"? (Evil grin) ALL: Uh-oh. @@@@@ AS WE RETURN TO THE SOS... (THOSE WHO COUNT ALL THESE POINTLESS SCENE CHANGES AND E-MAIL TUXEDO JACK THE ANSWER GET $50! NO LIES!) (NegaCave) BERYL: WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!?!? FRANK: Where's Dr. Forrester? I want Dr. Forrester! ZOISITE: I'd better send them the fic... right, ma'am? BERYL: Just do it!!! FRANK: (bawling) MOMMY!!! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!! (sobs) ZOISITE: Yes, ma'am! BERYL: (Thinking) Endymion? Impossible! But that _was_ a plot contrivance... (SOS) (Tuxedo Alex and Silver Knight are on the black couch, and Jack, Amy, and Hotaru are on the other sofa. Crow is standing in the middle of the room, screaming various obscenities.) TUXEDO: So Beryl's the one who sends you guys fics here? JACK: Yep, and we're in for a doozy now. Zoisite's sending it to us... HOTARU: And the odds are good that it's a lemon. S. KNIGHT: Crow, if you make even one hentai comment, you're going down. CROW: (Still screaming obscenities) AND WE WERE SO F(BLEEP)ING CLOSE!!! AND I WANT MY F(BLEEP)ING PUMA TWINS! (BLEEP)(BLEEP)(BLEEPITY-BLEEPITY-BLEEP-BLEEP-BLEEP)!!!!! AMY: Oh, damn... the fic's coming...(Klaxons blare, lights flash, and a small vat of non-dairy creamer upends itself over Crow) CROW: (Stops screaming) What the hell? Non-dairy creamer? TUXEDO: Erm... does this happen often? JACK: An Improbability Field's surrounding our Satellite. MAGIC JACK VOICE: Or when the MSTer from beyond the Fourth Wall makes it so. TUXEDO: ... Something tells me it's gonna hurt worse here than in the Theater... HOTARU AND S. KNIGHT: Look out! We've got FANFIC SIIIIIGN!!!! @@@@@ SOS THEATER (Door sequence) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. It opens for you automatically. Door 5: That huge head from You Don't Know Jack. One of it's eyes pop out, as you head through the socket. Door 4: A plot hole. You fall through to the next door... Door 3: A lush forest, complete with escape rout. FREEDOM! SALVATION! Unfortunately, it's all made of cardboard, and the escape is sealed up. Woefully, you move on. Door 2: The Outlaw Star control room. Gilliam identifies you as it's crew, and lets you pass. Door 1: A candy store. You load up on snacks and drinks and enter the theater. (Everyone takes their seats. Seating order from left to right: Amy, Tuxedo Alex, Sailor Silver Knight, Crow, Jack, Hotaru.) JACK: Welcome to... oh, wait. You guys already know that this is hell. TUXEDO: Thanks for telling us. BERYL'S VOICE: I forgot to tell you earlier - this week's fic is a sick little crossover lemon by Blaine and Hachi Machi. It's called "Fit to be Tied" or "A Tale of Nine Kitties" - and it's a Sailor Moon/Thundercats crossover! CROW: A lemon? Woo-hoo! Tit-f(BLEEP)ck! Tit-f(BLEEP)ck! Tit-f(BLEEP)ck! S. KNIGHT: (Smacks Crow) CROW! AMY: Panthro... (drools) HOTARU: You bitch! When we get out of here... BERYL'S VOICE: Relax! It's only a little worse than "Chibi-Usa's 7th Birthday"! JACK: AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!! (Head explodes, showering Drooble's Best Blowing Gum everywhere. In a matter of seconds, it reassembles.) I've read that fic, and it's hellish! Nothing could be worse than that! BERYL'S VOICE: Don't bet on it. This fic made me lose my lunch. >Fit To Be Tied TUXEDO: (Bitterly) Up and shot like the authors. JACK: (Starfleet computer from "Elite Force Holomatch") First strike. >By Trey and J. Daniel Gibson HOTARU: Satan and the devil's advocate! S. KNIGHT: But they're mortals... HOTARU: Still, though, it's pretty close. >Two authors. Two souls locked in AMY: Prison cells. >torment. S.KNIGHT: Six riffers. Six lost souls. Tearing up fanfics with their musings and ramblings. JACK: And they will... (dramatic) go to..._HELL_!!! TUXEDO: Hey, this doesn't seem that bad... HOTARU: Trust me, the Blainefics only get worse. >A howl of quiet desperation, JACK: 'Cause they can't get laid? TUXEDO: CROW! CROW: Huh? Wasn't me... TUXEDO: Sorry, force of habit. JACK! HOTARU: *THWAP* JACK: OW!!!! AMY: Anyone wanna take bets on what they're howling? CROW: Go, Oscar Go! Go, Oscar, Go! HOTARU: Wouldn't put it past them... JACK: Now I'm scared. CROW: Gonna wet 'em? JACK: I'm not _that_ scared. >towards an indifferent universe. Nepenthe. Nepenthe!! TUXEDO: Nepenthe? CROW: ...Uh, yes! Nepenthe! The new item from Evil Guy Products! AMY: Huh? TUXEDO: This isn't EGFAD, Crow... CROW: Well, Tom and I are expanding the catalogue... >Hachi: Hey, stop that. ALL: Yeah! CROW: I can't believe that I'm agreeing with an author... S.KNIGHT (Hachi): Mom! Blaine's poking me! >Blaine: Sorry. JACK (Blaine): I'll never do it again...(Crosses fingers behind back.) AMY: (Blaine as Britney Spears) Oops, I did it again... (Normal) Eeeewww.... >Hachi: Anyway, how are ya doing, readers? JACK: I'm nauseous. TUXEDO: Morally disgusted. You? >Here's a new story for ya'. HOTARU: The new story from Blaine and Hachi Machi: "Our Suicides". >Blaine: We have collaborated to bring you this >story. AMY: To quote someone from EGFAD - "I think I'd rather face Queen Beryl again." CROW: How do you know about EGFAD??? JACK: Two reasons. One: you just mentioned it, and two: I used to live in that era, remember? HOTARU: He had his palmtop computer filled with crap from the twentieth century, and he brought EGFAD with him. MAGIC VOICE: FOURTH WALL ALERT! (The fourth wall klaxons go off) HOTARU: Nice goin'! AMY: Okay, okay, sorry! (The klaxons turn off.) MAGIC VOICE: Any more hijinks, lady, and I schedule you to watch a Shinji the 10 o' Clock Assassin lemon! AMY: Eeep! I'll behave! S.KNIGHT: Fourth Wall alarms...been a while, eh? TUXEDO: Yep... >Hachi: And what a story it is. So without further ado... TUXEDO (HHH): In this very ring-a... >Blaine: The JD Gibson Joints... JACK: (stoned) That's some good s(BLEEP)t, man! >Hachi: And Chunky Monkey Productions... CROW: And Mystery Science Theater 3333 1/3... HOTARU: *WA-TAK!* No fourth wall breaching! CROW: OW! JACK: Get used to it. I've had concussions since Day 1. MAGIC VOICE: (Dr. Evil) You just don't get it, do you? Prepare for the Final Fantasy onslaught! AMY: Great... (Whips out spellbook) Garnet call! (The Esper Karbunkle from FFV surrounds the six with reflect mahou) MAGIC VOICE: Bahamut call! (Bahamut appears, launches his MegaFlare attack - which reflects on to the speaker - and leaves.) Phoenix call! (The Hiryuu appears, roasts the theater, and flies away. Again, no harm is done to the riffers, but the speaker is beginning to smoke.) Why isn't it working?!? S. KNIGHT: (To Amy) Good choice of Esper. AMY: (To Silver) I had a hunch. MAGIC VOICE: That's IT!!! ODIN CALL!!! (The Esper Odin from FFV appears, screams "True Edge", slashes the speaker, and disappears. The speaker falls in two pieces to the floor.) CROW: ... TUXEDO: ...Well, um...that was odd... >Blaine: Join forces... AMY: (Obi-Wan) Use the Force, Alex! TUXEDO: I prefer the Schwartz, thank you very much! JACK: (Dark Helmet) You have the ring... and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine! (Pretends to duel with Alex via SchwartzSaber*) CROW: Geez, that is just YAOI all the way! Even I don't go there...often. (Alex and Jack look at each other, and what they are doing, and quickly sit down.) >Hachi: To bring you... S.KNIGHT: ...Breakfast in bed! HOTARU: Wow, and to think we almost had to sit through a... JACK: Lemon? Gone? (Sighs) Whew... >"Fit to be Tied" >Or >"A Tale of Nine Kitties" HOTARU: ...lemon...damn. CROW: We tried... JACK: NOOOO!!!!! (Sobs) TUXEDO: Hang in there, slightly perverted tuxedo-clad brother. We'll survive. AMY: Slightly? (Bursts out laughing) JACK: (Sniffling) Did I ask for an editorial? >by CROW: AP Scout! HOTARU: NO BAKA HENTAI! *THWAP THWAP* >Trey Gibson (AKA CROW: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. JACK: Eeewwww. Hachi Machi with breasts... (Shudders) AMY: Wait, wait, wait! Hachi Michelle Gellar! >AKA HACHI MACHI THE CHUNKY MONKEY!!!!!!!!!) S.KNIGHT: The author with the biggest credit! AMY: And just "how" big is his "credit"? CROW: And does he have a "charge card"? HOTARU: I thought I told you, no hentai!!! (Hits Crow) >And >J. Daniel Gibson (AKA JACK: Oscar! AMY: Who's a mighty pain... TUXEDO: Who is very insane... JACK: In the membrane. HOTARU: Membrane? JACK: Don't ask. Just smile and nod. >*** The calm before the storm...*** AMY: Or, ***The attempted plot before the lemon.*** >It was hot. Very hot. The kind of heat that sticks to your skin. JACK: (Drools) Wet T-shirt contests... CROW: So hot, it was precipitating orgasmic fluids! TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE... CROW: Eep! Sorry! JACK: Lita in a wet t-shirt... (drools some more) HOTARU: *THWAP THWAP!!!* >All the senshi sat around in the Temple on Cherry Hill. ALL: (Singing) Mary Hill... used to hang out... in Cherry Hill Park... >"I can't believe the heat." Minako said. JACK: Someone open a fire hydrant! S.KNIGHT: The heat tells only lies! Never the truth! HOTARU: What? Minako said what? We're dying to know! JACK: Really? HOTARU: No, not really. >"Yes." Ami agreed. AMY: No, I didn't. This theater is air-conditioned. CROW: Yes, Crow narrated. >"The news said that this is the hottest spring break in Tokyo >that has ever been recorded." ALL: SPRING BREAK! WHOOO! (Tuxedo Alex and Jack grab some beers from Hammerspace and start passing them around.) S.KNIGHT: You're not honestly gonna drink in here, are you? JACK: You need to be smashed just to get through the 'fic. AMY: I take it you've never read a Hachi Machi fic? S. KNIGHT: Erm... no... JACK: Then trust us. You'll need it. HOTARU: Besides, we're all of age... at least, we are if we were in Europe. >"What are we going to do?" Rei asked, waving a fan in front of her. JACK: WHAT? Her WHAT?!?!? CROW (Fan of Rei): Hey, I really admire your work and all, but could you PUT ME DOWN? >"How about the beach?" Usagi said. "Lots of teens go there for >spring break." ALL: (Singing) It's an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini... ALL MEN: (Drool) S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR FLOOD! (All the men get pelted by plenty of energy stars.) TUXEDO: Me too? S.KNIGHT: You know who you belong to! TUXEDO: Can't we have a little fun now and then? JACK: Apparently not. >"And we would too, but we don't have the money." Mako said. CROW: But we have plot contrivances! Lots and lots of those! >"Oh yeah." ALL (Muted trumpet): Wah wah wah waahhhhhhhhhh... >Their ears perked up JACK: So they're dogs now? CROW: Then they're bitches, and... *thinks a second* they're _MY BITCHES!!!_ AMY: SHINE AQUA ILLUSION!!! *A geyser of water pummels Crow* _No one_ calls me a bitch and gets away with it. S. KNIGHT: Good Senshi! Here are your treats! ALL (Senshi): Woof woof! >as they heard a familiar voice outside the door, talking to Gramps. >"I'll take it in to them." JACK: It being the key to the theater doors? OTHERS: PLEASE? BERYL'S VOICE: NO! ALL: Dang... >"OK. What a well trained monkey you are." AMY: (Homer Simpson) Go get me a beer. JACK: (Passes Amy a beer from earlier) Here ya go. AMY: *Chugs the can* >Hachi Machi walked in with a tray of CROW: Weapons. JACK: Alcoholic beverages. TUXEDO: His own feces... AMY AND HOTARU: EEEEEWWWWW!!!!! O~O TUXEDO: Think about it! It's Hachi Machi we're talking about here! >lemonade, grumbling, "Trained monkey?" JACK: HAH! I was closest! pay up! TUXEDO: We didn't bet. CROW: (monkey) Hoo hoo haa haa! Haa haaa !!! AMY: And how do we know he didn't pee in it? >He didn't even seem surprised that I could talk. >Must be getting old." S.KNIGHT: ...How does Hachi's age figure in to his speech patterns? HOTARU: It's smiling and nodding time, Silver. JACK: Grammar errors abound in this fic from hell. TUXEDO: Wha... JACK: Three quotation marks. AMY: Nitpick, nitpick. >Hachi smiled. "Hi girls." JACK: He then glomped on to them with an audible popping sound. >"Hi Hachi!" they all yelled. AMY (Hachi): Gahh! My ears! TUXEDO & CROW: NORM! >Usagi glomped the little monkey. JACK: (Drools) Lucky monkey bastard... HOTARU: Don't worry... you'll get some later. (Grins) JACK: (Drools even more) S.KNIGHT: (To Alex) We're not that bad, are we? TUXEDO: At least we get a room... >"Where have you been." Makoto asked. "It's been a while." HOTARU (Makoto): Thank God... >"Oh, this and that." JACK: (Hachi Machi) Killing people, making bombs... you get the point. CROW (Hachi): Just crapping in my hands and throwing it at people. >Hachi smiled at his friends. AMY: Hachi, did you not get braces or something? >"So, I thought I heard you talking about having nothing to do >this spring break." JACK: (Hachi) Then how about doing me? S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR FLOOD! (The energy stars slam into Jack) TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE! (Hundreds of roses suddenly cover Jack) JACK: Hey! I thought we were on the same side! TUXEDO: Yeah, but hentai is different. JACK: But this is a lemon! TUXEDO: I do not preach slamming it into monkeys. CROW: It's the other way around. OTHERS: (Facefault) >"Yeah." Usagi said. "I guess you could say, It's the breaks. >Bwa ha ha ha ha!" ALL: (Groaning and retching sounds) HOTARU: Permission to break her face? S.KNIGHT: Permission granted. VERY granted. JACK: So Usagi's Kodachi now? >The others just stared at her. ALL: (Stare at Usagi) CROW (Others): Wow, you got a nice rack, Usagi! TUXEDO: CROW! >She stopped laughing but still chuckled. JACK: Frigging moron... HOTARU: God help us if she ever gets a brain... S.KNIGHT: She stopped laughing, only to laugh again...WHERE THE HELL'S MY BOW AND ARROW!! JACK: (Guiltily) Erm... I don't know... >"Well, I have to go into the future on an errand. ALL: ... HOTARU: Someone gave him Rini's time key? That bastard! JACK: My God, he'll screw up the time stream! We've got to get Setsuna in on this! >Hachi told them. "You can't come on the errand, but I have some friends >that you could stay with." JACK: (Hachi) They're called Norman and Mother... CROW: Or they're my "special friends..." HOTARU: SILENCE GLAIVE SURPRISE! *Hits Crow with the Silence Glaive* @@@@@ BACK ON THE SOL... (Unaware of the transpirings, everyone is going about their business. Falcon Knight and Setsuna are playing cards, Rini and Gypsy are still talking, and Ranma and Kodachi have... um... found their way into one of the guest rooms. Tom is currently viewing them on the Hexfield.) FALCON: Got any fours? SETSUNA: Go fish. GYPSY: So, how do you know me, anyway? RINI: Well, looking up the blueprints of the SOS, there was supposed to be a Gypsy unit installed, but I guess Beryl nixed it. GYPSY: Really? RINI: Yeah. Weird, huh? TOM: Oh man, Falcon! You gotta come and see this! It's so cool! FALCON: What is it? TOM: Ranma and Kodachi are making out! (Falcon drops his cards and heads towards the hexfield.) FALCON: Oh man, I gotta see this! (Setsuna gets up, and proceeds to whack both Tom and Falcon with her time staff.) SETSUNA: There will be no viewing of such... lewd material. (She takes a quick glance before shutting off the Hexfield.) @@@@@ BACK IN THE SOS THEATER... >The girls were excited. "Lets go!" S.KNIGHT: Without even considering that we're following a talking monkey through time. Real smart. JACK: They were so excited, they wet their pants. AMY: But we all know that only Haruka wears pants... and we _all_ know about her... ALL BUT HOTARU: *Nod* HOTARU: What about Haruka-mama? Is she a lesbian or something? OTHERS: Err... >************** TUXEDO: Are they selling crack? JACK: I think that's what they're going to be seeing in a minute. (Punches fanfic) TUXEDO: Ah. >Hachi led the girls to the small shack where he lived. AMY, HOTARU, AND CROW: (B-52s) The LOOOOOOVE SHAAAACK!!!! JACK: Love shack, baby! *WA-TAK!* TUXEDO: No. >They all had luggage with them. Luna and Artimus had opted to stay at S. KNIGHT: The kennel. AMY: Hell. HOTARU: ToRGo'S HoUSe!! CROW: AIEEEE!!!! MANOS!!!! >home. HOTARU: Close enough. >This thrilled Usagi because she wouldn't have Luna harping over >everything she did. S. KNIGHT: Luna plays the harp? AMY: And quite well, actually. CROW: Let me guess... Rei plays the love trumpet? S. KNIGHT: SILVER STAR FLOOD! (The silver stars slam Crow into the wall, knocking him out cold) JACK: Eeeep... >They entered Hachi's house and were shocked. TUXEDO: (Hachi Machi) Whoops, sorry! Forgot to disarm the tasers! JACK: You know, when you're shocked by electricity hard enough, you take a dump then and there. TUXEDO: Much like Hachi. He just takes a dump anytime, anywhere. S. KNIGHT: (shocked) Alex! TUXEDO: I'm allowed one comment per fic, I believe... S.KNIGHT: You've had plenty already! >The inside was huge. CROW (Hachi Machi): Check out my walk-in ass! HOTARU: BAKA! *WA-TAK* >Various bubbling tubes and contraptions were scattered around. ALL: Hey, it's Washu's lab! ALL FEMALES: (Washu singing) Photons, protons, synchrotons are interesting... CROW: *Wakes up* Uuuurrrrggghhhhh.... S. KNIGHT: Feeling better? (Manaical grin.) CROW: Why am I so abused? >Hachi led them to an ancient looking grandfather clock. >"This is the Cosmic Clock." he said. "It controls time." CROW: Hey, he's ripping off "Sabrina the Teenage Witch!" JACK: (dryly) And there's Zelda and Hilda... >The girls were stunned. TUXEDO: (Hachi) Damn shock trap must not have worn off yet... >"OK." he said. "Here we go." ALL MALES: (Mario from Mario 64) Okey, dokie. Here we go!!! >He played with a little clock face CROW AND JACK: *Snicker* S. KNIGHT: SILVER STAR... TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE... CROW AND JACK: YEEEEK!!! >that was on the side of the clock and the bells chimed. They felt like HOTARU: Leaving the theater. Anyone second the motion? CROW: Second. TUXEDO: Third. JACK: Fourth. AMY: Fifth. S.KNIGHT: Sixth. (Beryl's voice comes over the P.A. system.) BERYL: Motion denied. NO ONE LEAVES! >they were being ripped through a vortex. Then everything went black. AMY: Cheap ripoff of Harry Potter 4's portkeys! S. KNIGHT: For once, I'll have to agree with you. >************** ALL: (Singing) You must be my lucky star... cause you shine on me wherever you are... JACK: Madonna _did_ do some good songs. TUXEDO: (British) Not bloody likely! >When the girls regained consciousness, CROW: They found Hachi "getting jiggy" with them. TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE! (The roses pierce Crow's net.) CROW: YEEEEOOOWW!!!!! >the looked around. They were surrounded to their left, back and right >by HOTARU: Nuclear weapons. Mmmm.... AMY: Buckets of urine from hospitals. JACK: O_o''' S. KNIGHT: Gundams! Weapons drawn, and ready to kick ass! CROW: Woah, who put salt in your coffee this morning? S. KNIGHT: Don't ask. TUXEDO: Jungle? >lush jungle. TUXEDO: Hah! I win! JACK: Bite me. TUXEDO: No thanks. Not that kind of person. JACK: Hey! TUXEDO: (Snicker) Looks like Falcon Knight transcends dimensions... >And JACK: (Dull British voice) There was much rejoicing. OTHERS: (Flatly) Yay. >they gasped as they looked in front of them. CROW: Those gasping lessons DiC gave the SM cast really paid off, don't you think? >Towering above them was a JACK, CROW, AND AMY: (Fall out of their seats laughing at the thought of a giant penis as the Thundercats' fortress) S. KNIGHT: Let's let this one go... there's just way too much imagery. TUXEDO: I'm with you here. >huge fortress, shaped like a roaring cat of some sort. It looked like >something out of a dream. JACK: (Still laughing) Yeah... hee hee hee... Oscar's dream... *Stops laughing and vomits* That was just wrong. HOTARU: (Sarcastic, Silence Glaive in hand.) Really? You don't say... >They stood gawking as a door near the bottom opened. AMY: Then closed. Then opened. Then closed. S.KNIGHT (Cheetara): Dammit, Snarf! Quit playing with the door! TUXEDO (Snarf): Sorry, Cheetara. 'Snirf'... >Several muscular, cat-anthromorphs and a little red thing stepped out. HOTARU (Red Guy): Hel-looooo! It's me! Lance Sackless! CROW: Oscar's making a cameo as Snarf? JACK: *Vomits again and hits Crow* Don't even joke about that possibility. >"Lion-o!" Hachi called out to the red haired one, who was apparently >their leader. HOTARU: (Lion-O) Ho, Hachi Machi! Join us in our everlasting disco fever! >"Hachi!" Lion-o said with a smile. They clasped hands. S.KNIGHT & HOTARU (Hachi & Lion-O): Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man! >"What brings you here." AMY: (Hachi Machi) Oh, it had absolutely nothing to do with a plot contrivance... WHAT DO YOU THINK, GENIUS! ME? SCOUTS? CATS? DUH! LEMON CONTRIVANCE! TUXEDO: And another one bites the dust... AMY: Well, not yet... >"I have an errand to run. S. KNIGHT: (Hachi Machi) I need a loaf of bread, a box of eggs, and a gallon of milk. JACK: Don't forget the Trojans! TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE! (The roses slam into Jack) JACK: Hey, gimme a rest! I gotta survive this, too! >I need to go to the mutants and speak to Monkian." Hachi explained. TUXEDO: Thus killing the non-existent plot even more than before. CROW: If that were possible. HOTARU: Who? The what? S.KNIGHT: Let the smiling and nodding commence, Hotaru... >"What about?" Lion-o asked. JACK: (Hachi Machi as Austin Powers) My old Burt Baccarach LP that he borrowed ages ago... TUXEDO: (Hachi) He owes money to the "family"... HOTARU: (Hachi) The giant hole in my front yard. CROW: (Hachi) My being castrated. S. KNIGHT: CROW!!! >"That's...erm...kinda' personal." Hachi said. "At least for the >moment." CROW: See? S. KNIGHT: Let's hope that you're wrong... for your sake. CROW: Hey, if it's not described in the fic, does anyone else mind that happening? OTHERS: No. CROW: Thought so. >"Well, I won't pry." Lion-o said with a smile. He turned his attention >to the senshi. "And who are these young ladies?" AMY: (Hachi Machi as Santa Claus) They're Dasher, Dancer, Donner, Blitzen, and the ugly blonde one is Comet. >"These are friends of mine." Hachi introduced the senshi to the >Thundercats. S.KNIGHT (Serena): We already met at the Toonami cast parties. >"Hi." Usagi said. >"Ho!" Lion-o said. ALL (Singing): Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go... >"Who you calling a..." HOTARU: I never knew that Usagi could speak Ebonics. TUXEDO: Wat'cho talkin' about, Hachi? >Usagi then realized he was saying hello. "Oh, yeah." She blushed. CROW: (James Earl Jones as Vader) You stupid fool! >************** >After Hachi left, the Senshi and the Cats introduced themselves better. TUXEDO (Lion-O): Since our first meeting was so badly written, I say we introduce ourselves again. OTHERS: Agreed. >Panthro offered to show them around the Cat's Lair. AMY: (Panthro) Here's the litter box... and the water bowl... >As he walked, Makoto followed and admired his butt. S.KNIGHT: But the real question is: "Can she walk AND chew gum?" HOTARU: Yes, Makoto certainly would... JACK: Great. More sexual references... HOTARU: Oh, you mean that she's bi? I knew that. Haruka-papa told me one night when she, Michiru-mama, Setsuna-mama and I had "the talk". JACK: So you knew that Haruka and Michiru... MMMPH!!! TUXEDO: Let the kid be. (Takes hand off Jack's mouth) JACK: She's gotta find out from someone. HOTARU: I already know they're lesbians. Relax! JACK: One less thing to worry about... >Minako noticed this and whispered, giggling, "Don't even say 'he' >reminds you of your old boyfriend." Makoto blushed. TUXEDO: And all the blood in her head caused it to explode, destroying the fanfic. The end. JACK: Like this? (Head explodes, flinging Snickers bars everywhere. After a few seconds, it reassembles.) CROW: Hey, man, how come you're stealing Tom's shtick? JACK: What do you mean? CROW: Tom does that ALL THE TIME! Idea stealer! TUXEDO: So? I stole the whole head-exploding concept from Megane 6.7... and I KNOW I breached the Fourth Wall there, Magic Voice. MAGIC VOICE: Agreed. S.KNIGHT: This is just like our Satellite as well. Next thing you know, they'll have their own version of the TOTS machine. JACK: Well, um... actually... (The SOS participants blush.) TUXEDO: No wonder we're so alike... @@@@@ BACK ON THE SOL... (Falcon Knight and Rini are chilling on the couch. Setsuna is putting some finishing touches on an invention, and Ranma and Kodachi... are still nowhere to be seen. Tom is also unaccounted for.) RINI: Can I have another beer, Adam baby? (Tickles Falcon) FALCON: Sure, honey. Whatever you want. (Passes Rini a Heineken) SETSUNA: (Tightens bolt on an odd contraption) This should do it... GYPSY: Just what does it do? SETSUNA: It'll send the fics you guys get back to the Mads, with any luck. GYPSY: So Alex, Michelle, and the rest of them won't have to suffer the fics anymore? SETSUNA: Nah. It'll probably burn out fast, but this is the best I can do right now. (As the picture shifts to somewhere else in the SOL... ) RANMA: Ah, this is the life! (Ranma and Kodachi are revealed to be sitting in a hot tub much like Alotta Fagina's from "Austin Powers"...) KODACHI: (Alotta Fagina) Let me wash you... (Leans toward Ranma, loofah in hand) RANMA: (Austin Powers) Oh, behave! (Tom walks into the room.) TOM: Hey, since when did we have a hot tub? KODACHI: YAH! RANMA: What the hell are you doing in here? TOM: Well, what the hell are YOU doing in here? This is OUR Satellite, remember? RANMA: Well... we... uh... TOM: Look, just put some clothes on and join the rest of us. And, uh, Kodachi... you can leave your panties near my quarters. I'll take good care of 'em. Heh heh heh... KODACHI: (Embarrassed and mortified) BAKA! (Whacks Tom.) @@@@@ BUT BACK TO HELL, IF YOU DON'T MIND... (COUNTING THE SCENE TRANSITIONS?) >After Panthro had shown them their rooms TUXEDO: (Panthro) Here are your rooms. Do not touch them; they're museum pieces. >and they had put their things up, AMY: Where? UP WHERE?!?!? JACK: (Snickers) Up there! HOTARU: Up where? I don't get it. S.KNIGHT: Never mind, Hotaru. >Snarf's voice erupted over the intercom. TUXEDO (Dr.F.): No one leaves the theater! READ THE DAMNED FIC! (The other SOL inhabitants stare at him.) TUXEDO: ... Sorry. That was inappropriate. S.KNIGHT: No, Alex. That was dead on! CROW: Good job, buddy! TUXEDO: (Smiles) I'll have to show you my "TV's Frank" impression sometime. >"Come and get it. JACK: There's a pick-up line if I ever heard one... OTHERS: JACK! >Dinnertime." >Usagi practically ran Lynx-o over, who happened to come out of a room CROW: (Lynx-O) Usagi, you were in the dungeon and didn't call me? TUXEDO: Silver, I believe it's your turn. JACK: Allow me. TUXEDO THUNDER STRIKE! (A ball of electricity, much like a Sparkling Wide Pressure attack, slams into Crow, throwing him into a handy wall) CROW: (Mumbles gibberish) Two of them... TUXEDO: _Very_ nice. JACK: Thanks. >and into her path to the dining room. >At the dinner table, they all HOTARU: ... realized that this was a horrible crossover fanfic and left. The end. TUXEDO: So, what's on Toonami? CROW: Ronin Warriors, Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball Z, Outlaw Star, Tenchi Myuo, and Batman. Why do you ask? TUXEDO: Geez... >sat around, discussing anything >and everything. S.KNIGHT: To do this, they spent 4,678,938 years, because ANYTHING and EVERYTHING had a lot of ground to cover. >They found that they had a lot in common and some >exchanged stories of their fights between good and evil. AMY: Yeah, right. S. KNIGHT: Like the Negaverse is anything like the Mutants. HOTARU: Actually... JACK: Don't, honey. It's painful enough already. >When Snarf entered the room JACK: He started to play with the lights. S.KNIGHT (Cheetara): Dammit, Snarf! Stop playing with the lights! TUXEDO (Snarf): But it's so much fun... *Snirf*... >and sat the platter with the food on it on CROW: Makoto's crotch, everyone dived for it and began to "eat". S. KNIGHT: SILVER STAR FLOOD! (The energy stars throw Jack into a nearby wall) CROW: Yeeeeoowwwch!!!!! >the table, Usagi and Snarfer made a mad grab TUXEDO: Boy, this turned into Arts & Crafts class pretty quickly. HOTARU: After that, they made an angry snatch. OTHERS: HOTARU! HOTARU: What? (Thinks it over, and blushes.) Oh, man... >for the food. Soon they had gorged themselves before the others had >even gotten seconds. AMY: Sounds vaguely like a normal night on the SoS. JACK: *Grumble* Shut up. TUXEDO: 0_o >After dinner, they spent a few more hours in the recreation room JACK: Playing pool. TUXEDO: Disco dancing! S. KNIGHT: Not a chance. CROW: (Austin Powers) Shagging! AMY: MERCURY AQUA RHAPSODY! *The harp from hell blasts Crow* HOTARU: I'll go with Alex here. >talking and then they went to bed. CROW: Initiating Lemon Trigger! All hentai jokes to the front! TUXEDO: NO, Crow. >************** HOTARU: Look, it's a falling star! Make a wish! (All wish for the doors to open... and they do.) Hey, wow! TUXEDO: Let's get out of here! (All exit) (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) @@@@@ BACK ON THE SOS... (Tuxedo Alex, Silver Knight, and Crow are sitting on the black leather couch, and Jack, Hotaru, and Amy are on the white leather couch. All are silent...) TUXEDO: And this is different from your average fic how? JACK: First of all, it's a Hachi Machi fic. We've only done one other by him - "Poke-sailors", and it wasn't a lemon. S. KNIGHT: Oy. JACK: Secondly, it's our second lemon. CROW: Our third. "Rini's Change of Fortune" and... JACK: I know - "Molly and Him" by Dikie. MAGIC VOICE: FOURTH WALL BREACH!!! (Alarms and klaxons sound...) JACK: Geez! Sorry! (The alarms shut off) Anyway, Beryl usually just sends us crappy fics, not lemons or evil like this. S. KNIGHT: It's that bad and the lemon scenes haven't even started yet...wow. HOTARU: And last time it was a Fam/Ihrie yuri lemon. It'll be worse here. CROW: You had a lesbian lemon and didn't tell me? (Notices Silver and Tuxedo Alex staring at him evilly) Erm... not that I'd like that or anything... AMY: Aw, great... thanks for pointing that out... (Notices that the red button is flashing) And now Pinky and the Brains are calling... (She hits the button, and the view screen activates. The image, however, is not what was expected. Instead of the NegaCave, a very familiar room appears, at least to the members of the SOL. Appearing on the screen for the moment are Falcon Knight, Rini, and Setsuna.) (SOL) FALCON: Great! We've got a comm link up! RINI: Guys? Can you hear me? (SOS) JACK: (Shocked) That can't be... S.KNIGHT: Adam! How'd you find us? (SOL) FALCON: Blame the Improbability Field. It sent us the coordinates to contact you. RINI: Yeah, go figure. (SOS) AMY: Rini? That you? (SOL) SETSUNA: Yeah, she's here, and so are Ranma, Kodachi, and I! FALCON: Okay, Monkeybone, we're working on a way to get you back here. What's going on in your side? (SOS) TUXEDO: Monkeybone? (SOL) FALCON: What? It was a good movie! (SOS) HOTARU: ... Okay... CROW: Well, we're stuck riffing a Hachi Machi fic... and it's a lemon. JACK: And you're missing out on the fun, bird boy. (SOL) FALCON: Huh? Who's this clown? And WHY did he steal your wardrobe, Tuxy? (SOS) TUXEDO: He's another one of the tuxedo-clad: Tuxedo Jack... .and don't call me Tuxy. JACK: The pleasure is all mine, I think. (SOL) FALCON: ... Yeah, whatever. (Several noises and screams can be heard from the background. Soon afterwards, Tom, Ranma, and Kodachi appear on screen. The humans are decked in towels, after spending time in the Jacuzzi.) KODACHI: I swear, this infidel will PAY for interrupting our privacy, Ranma dear. RANMA: You don't know the half of it. TOM: Look, you guys, I was just joking. (Looks into the hexfield.) Hey! Silver! Tuxy! Crow! Where the heck ya been! (SOS) TUXEDO: (Sigh) When are they EVER gonna learn NOT to call me... S.KNIGHT: Alex, HUSH. Not important right now! TUXEDO: Sorry. CROW: We're doing okay over here, Tom. We're just riffing a Sailor Moon / Thunder Cats lemon by Blaine and Hachi Machi. (SOL) TOM: You lucky bastard! SETSUNA: (Whacks him with the Time Staff.) Tom, THINK for a second! TOM: I know. We hardly EVER get lemons! I NEED my lemon fix. SETSUNA: Hoo boy... (SOS) AMY: So, how are you doing over there, Setsuna? (SOL) SETSUNA: Not to bad, actually. We built a device that'd send the fics you receive back to Dr. F. and Frank. (SOS) CROW: Really? Sweet! HOTARU: Wait a sec... how come you never built anything like that for US, huh? (SOL) RANMA: Yeah, why the hell not? SETSUNA: The subject never came up, I guess. OTHERS FROM SOS: (Sweatdrop and fall over.) TOM: Hey guys? Frank's gone missing. Have you seen him at all? (SOS) CROW: You actually care for Frank? (SOL) TOM: Well, you know, he's always getting mutilated and stuff, so I got a soft spot for the guy. (SOS) JACK: You mean that whiny baby we saw before the fic was sent up here? (SOL) FALCON: That's the one. (SOS) JACK: He's being held captive by Queen Beryl and Zoicite in the Negacave, at the moment. (SOL) FALCON: Negacave? The hell? KODACHI: Never mind. Tough to explain. (Turns to the screen.) Malachite's over here, currently kicked Dr. Forrester's behind. (Notices Tom motioning towards her towel.) Would you get away from me? Pervert! TOM: Sorry... FALCON: You know, you guys never told me where you actually were, and where all these other weirdoes came from. SETSUNA: WHAT? RINI: You're calling me a weirdo? FALCON: Oh no! Nothing like that, sweetheart! (SOS) CROW: Woah, talk about training the pidgeon! (SOL) FALCON: Shut up! (SOS) TUXEDO: (Sweatdrops) Anyway, we're on the Satellite of Senshi, a place where four Sailors and a Tuxedo Man have been trapped by Beryl and have been forced to watch bad fanfics in an effort to obtain the Ginzuishou from Serenity and Endymion. (SOL) RINI: We could've told you that! RANMA: Yeah, really! FALCON: Okay... (Sweatdrop) SETSUNA: Shut up, pigeon man. FALCON: Not you, too! If you don't all stop calling me bird names.... (SOS) JACK: Look, guys, have you figured out how we can get back yet? (SOL) TOM: Yeah, I gotta get "Panty Raider" back from Crow! (SOS) CROW: In your dreams, Gumball-head! (SOL) TOM: BAKA! GIVE ME BACK MY PANTY RAIDER! IT'S MINE! MINE! MII-II-NNN... (Tom's head explodes, showering Reeses Pieces everywhere.) (SOS) TUXEDO: Behold the head-exploding, candy-showering originator! JACK: Yeah yeah, I get the point. Bite me. (SOL) RANMA: Uh... how do we fix him? GYPSY: (Voice off screen) I'll take care of it in a minute! SETSUNA: Well, Jack, we haven't had much luck as of yet. Although Rini's getting rather attracted to the Mockingbird here... FALCON: SHUT UP! RINI: Oh honey, don't listen to them. They're just jealous. (Gives him a quick peck on the check.) FALCON: Oh, all right. SETSUNA: We're doing everything that we can, though. We'll keep you posted. (SOS) AMY: That's a start, at least. S.KNIGHT: We wish you luck, you guys. (SOL) KODACHI: Thanks. We need it. (At this point, Tom manages to sneak under Kodachi's towel. In a fit of rage, she throws Tom behind her, right into the fic-bouncer machine, damaging it slightly.) Oops... SETSUNA: (Sigh) Looks like I got my work cut out for me. RANMA: Take care, guys. Hope to be back soon. (SOS) JACK: I hope so, too. (The transmission cuts off.) TUXEDO: I hope we figure out a solution to this problem soon. S.KNIGHT: Me too, Alex. Me too. (The klaxons sound, and the lights flash...you know the drill) JACK: Looks like we're going to have to find out later, though, because WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIIIGN!!!!! @@@@@ BACK IN THE SOS THEATER... (Door sequence version 1.09.2) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: Sir Papacharino Nanadon. You smack him to the side, watch him bleed from various orifices, and continue. Door 4: Hachi Machi. He flings crap at you. You're lucky enough to dodge and get to the next door... Door 3: Blaine. He sends out his Magmar, and Amy sends out her Blastoise. Needless to say, one Hydro Pump attack from Blastoise knocks out the Fire-type Pokemon. While Blaine moans about how you beat him, you sneak past... Door 2: AP Scout. She tries to give you Part 2 of "Rini's Change of Fortune". Fortunately, you get past her, sans fanfic. Door 1: A set of boxes of Chinese take-out. You gather them up and enter the theater (again)... TUXEDO: Where were we? AMY: Skipping sexual stuff. S. KNIGHT: Ignoring interesting idiots. JACK: Wiping worrisome Windows. HOTARU: Sleeping through this s(BLEEP)it. MAGIC VOICE: Watch the language! >Rei woke up having to go to the bathroom. CROW: (Rei as Wakko) Potty, potty, potty, potty, potty... >She slipped on a robe over the red baby doll nightie she had brought >with her. TUXEDO: After dressing said doll, she put some clothes on herself. >"I knew I shouldn't have had that last three goblets of wine." HOTARU (Rei): I knew I shouldn't have had the FIRST three goblets, either! AMY (Rei as Adam Sandler): I'm so wasted. >On her way back to her room, JACK: Huh? She totally skipped the bathroom? CROW: Must've stopped by the conviently placed wastebasket. S.KNIGHT: GAH! RCOF! >she passed Tygra's room. TUXEDO: And decided to launch a nuclear missile inside. >She stopped as she heard a sort of huffing inside. S. KNIGHT: (Tygra) I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your cock down! TUXEDO AND CROW: What?!? S. KNIGHT: My one hentai joke. Gimme a break! JACK: (Stoned) Huffing a can, man! Wanna join in, Flynn? HOTARU: No drug humor! >She cracked the door open slightly HOTARU: I SAID NO DRUG HUMOR, JACK! *WATAK* JACK: OW! It wasn't me! It was the fanfic! >and went wide-eyed as she saw Tygra AMY: Shooting himself in the chest. TUXEDO: I'd have said the head, but that's just as effective. >and Bengali making out. ALL MALES: (Stare wide-eyed) TUXEDO: IS... JACK: THAT... BOTH: YAOI?!?!? JACK: I'm covering my eyes here, even if Rei's involved. Leave me out of this. (Ties a blindfold on his head) TUXEDO: (Ties a blindfold on his head to boot) For once, I agree with you. Silver, you want one? S. KNIGHT: No, thanks... we'll tough it out. >She felt that she shouldn't be watching but she couldn't make herself >return to her room. She gasped as Bengali tugged Tygra's erect cock >from his tights. HOTARU: Ripping it off in the process. CROW: Okay, now _I'm_ going to shut down. This is a little too graphic for me! *Shuts down* >It was bigger than most of the hentai's she had seen. S.KNIGHT: After all, tons of horny men would break into Rei's temple on a regular basis. AMY: (Asuka) EEEEEK!!!! HENTAI!!!! *THWAP* >Bengali licked and kissed the head JACK: (Through blindfold) Of lettuce. TUXEDO: (Through blindfold) Of the glass of root beer. HOTARU: Of the leader of the ASPCA, trying to bribe his way out of the fic. >as Tygra leaned his head back in delight. S. KNIGHT: Delights have turned off here on the SOS. CROW: (Reboots) Is it over yet? S. KNIGHT: Take a look... (Crow sees the scene and screams) >Rei could feel her own private area begin to tingle. ALL: (Burst out laughing) AMY: If it tingles, you know it's working! CROW: (Rei) This is private property, you hear? >Her clitoris was beginning to swell and TUXEDO: (Through blindfold) Explode. The end. JACK: Really? (Removes blindfold.) GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! (Puts it back on.) TUXEDO: (Grins) No, not really. >her lips began to part. HOTARU: And her tongue extended forth. S. KNIGHT: Not to mention her head twisting 360 degrees. >She placed two fingers over her right breast CROW: That's an odd way to perform Goku's Instantaneous Movement technique. AMY: Huh? CROW: The "Instant Transmission," in layman's terms. AMY: Ah. >and began massaging her >ever-growing nipple under her nightie. AMY: It's Rei and the Magic Nipple-stalk! HOTARU (Rapping): I like big nipples, and I cannot lie... CROW: What? HOTARU: ... Nothing... JACK: (Deep cheesy dramatic voice) Under the cover of nightie, the tits are massaged... *THWAP* OW! Who did that?!? S. KNIGHT: (Snickers) >She gasped as she pinched her nipple TUXEDO: Man, those DiC gasping lessons... CROW: We've done that one already. TUXEDO: Oh, my bad. >at the same time that Bengali >slid his mouth all the way down Tygra's shaft. ALL MALES: That Shaft's one badass mutha- ALL FEMALES: Shut your mouth! ALL: SHAFT! >It might have been heard, AMY: So Rei ran away, and as she did so, she tripped down a staircase and shattered her skull open. TUXEDO: Dark, are we, my dear? AMY: I'm not done yet. And as her brains and lifeblood slowly dripped out over the concrete-and-steel stairs, the final thoughts that ran through her mind were that of some dinner reservations... The End. JACK: And what of the "Suicide is Painless" strips on thinhline.com? >but Tygra had gasped at the same time. CROW: Oh, that makes plenty of sense... HUH? >Soon, Rei lifted her nightie S.KNIGHT: And turned it into a "daytie." OTHERS: ... S.KNIGHT: C'mon, where's your sense of humor? >over her breasts so she could get direct access to her aching nipples. >This went on for a few minutes. She then thrilled TUXEDO: To the sounds of EGFAD! HOTARU: As the Cat's Lair exploded in horrible blue fire! AMY: As the fic ended! ALL OTHERS: We can only hope. (The Crest of Hope appears in the theater and flies around before disappearing) TUXEDO: Does this happen often? AMY: Not since we've been here. We're apparently trapped in some kind of causality loop. We'll check it out on the bridge sensors after the next two parts. >as Tygra lifted Bengali's face to his own and gave him a deep kiss. >Bengali then lowered his own tights and leaned over the couch. CROW: Bengali then tried to find the bar of soap he'd dropped behind the sofa a while earlier. S. KNIGHT: SILVER STAR FLOOD! (The energy stars slam into Crow.) >Tygra smiled and stuck his tongue out. AMY (Tygra): Nyah, nayh!!! (Sticks tongue out.) >He ran it up Bengali's sack, through the crack, and to the small of >his back. JACK: My name's Jack the Tack, and I've got quite the knack for facts! AMY: My next act should be to give you a smack. *SMACK* S.KNIGHT: I'd retract the smack, and give him a whack! *WHACK* HOTARU: Why smack and whack, when you can *WATAK*! JACK: ACK! My back! TUXEDO: And that's a fact. >Rei started to lower her hand to her TUXEDO: Quake 3 railgun. HOTARU: Doom BFG. CROW: Poke-balls. >own moist slit but stopped herself and began circling her belly button >with her finger. AMY (Rei): Gotta clean out that belly button lint! S. KNIGHT: Disgusting! (To Hotaru) And you let this stuff go on here? HOTARU: (To Silver) I gotta. It's the only way we'll keep our sanity. >Tygra began squeezing and parting Bengali's cheeks. TUXEDO: Moses and the Red Sea this ain't. JACK: Oh, THANK YOU for this image. I'll SURE be able to sleep well tonight! >Soon, he spit on his hand S.KNIGHT (Freakazoid): Eww, I just spit on my hands! >and slicked up his rod and smeared a little >of the leftover on Bengali's anus. "Here it comes," Rei thought. CROW (Guy from the MST3K Movie): I regret nothing!!! JACK: DIVE FOR COVER!!!! (All dive under their seats... all except Amy, who had gotten her foot stuck...) AMY: Gimme a hand here, guys! I'm stuck! TUXEDO: Amy-chan! (Gets up to help her) (Silver eyes Tuxedo suspiciously.) >Just as Tygra slid his meat into Bengali, CROW: (Singing under his seat) IIIIIIIII am the Great Mighty Poo! OTHERS: Oh, ew, ew, ew, ew! >Rei slipped a finger into her own honeypot. AMY: (Looks at screen) This so screams "Winnie the Pooh". TUXEDO: (Strains to free Amy's foot from her seat) We'll get you outta here, Amy! S.KNIGHT: That's all you better be doing! >She and Bengali groaned at the same time. AMY: Much like the rest of us. Ugh. JACK: The new Olympic event: simultaneous groaning. >Rei squatted down to allow her full access to her HOTARU: Key-carded door. CROW: How appropriate. >passions and still peek inside. TUXEDO: Peek inside her own ass? Geez, she's limber! OTHERS: TUXY! TUXEDO: Sorry. That was bad. >But she lost balance and fell S. KNIGHT: Through a plot hole that led to the end of the story. >through the doorway. JACK: And did a perfect triple somersault with a twist. AMY (Olympic announcer): Nine point three... Nine point two... Eight point seven. >Tygra and Bengali stopped and went wide-eyed at her. HOTARU (Bengali): She's masturbating on the floor! How disgusting can you get? >She lay there, >sprawled out, face down on the floor with a finger still inside her. >Soon Tygra realized what she was doing. CROW (Tygra): You're right, Bengali! That is morally wrong! Yuck! >He gave her a warm smile JACK: (Tygra) Merry Christmas, Rei! (Hands Hotaru a warm pair of wax lips) HOTARU: (Screams) >and said, TUXEDO: (Tygra) WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU "DOING"?!?!? >"You could see better here." He reached over and patted the coach, HOTARU: Craig T. Nelson "is" guest-starring here. ALL: (Hum the "Coach" theme.) >next to them. >Rei nervously sat down. She watched Bengali's hard cock. CROW: See Bengali's cock. Spurt, cock, spurt! S. KNIGHT: SILVER STAR FLOOD! TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE! (The combined attacks slam into Crow) CROW: YAH! If you guys attack me any more, there won't be anything left to attack! S.KNIGHT: Do you WANT to give us this option? CROW: ... No... (Sinks in his seat.) >This was the closest she had ever been to one. HOTARU: Except when her Grandfather asked her to give him a sponge bath that one time... OTHERS: HOTARU! >Living in the temple and taking care of her grandfather all her life HOTARU: Hey, can I call 'em or what? JACK: Yikes... >didn't give her much chance for any sort of sexual experiences with a >boy. S. KNIGHT: Any yuri jokes here and you die. CROW: Damn. >As Tygra resumed, her anxieties subsided as the warm sensation continued >between her legs. AMY (Rei): FIRE! FIRE! MY CROTCH IS ON FIRE! CROW: She was peeing. TUXEDO: That's sick! >She rubbed her clit as she watched Tygra's cock disappearing in and out, HOTARU: Of existence. CROW: Oh no! Hachi Machi and Blaine have changed history, and it has something to do with Tygra's cock! AMY: Do we care? CROW: Not really... but STILL! >and Bengali's waving back and forth. She closed her eyes as she reached her >first orgasm. TUXEDO: If this turns into one of those "My First" books, I'm leaving. (Beryl's voice is heard over the P.A. system.) BERYL: As if you have a choice! HAHAHAHA! (Her voice cuts off.) >She orgasmed just as she felt something wonderful, warm, and >furry brush her clit. JACK: A pussy - S. KNIGHT: SILVER STAR... JACK: CAT!!! CAT!!!!! HOTARU: No Oscar! *THWAP* >She looked down to see Bengali reaching a hand out at her. CROW (Bengali): Pull my finger! >She gasped >as her juices flowed out for the first time. This caused a chain reaction. AMY: The Sci-Fi channel openly weeps at this mention. >Tygra saw this and emptied a load into Bengali, who in turn spewed onto the >coach. TUXEDO: Well, looks like SOMEONE is coming to his senses, although the vomit is a bit much. S. KNIGHT: Alex, that was sick! TUXEDO: Sorry, sorry. >Without thinking, S.KNIGHT: Blaine and Hachi Machi wrote a crossover fanfic involving Sailor Moon, the Thunder Cats, and a monkey entitled "Fit To Be Tied or A Tale of Nine Kitties". AMY: That's about the long and short of it. CROW: Long... JACK: Short... CROW & JACK: BWAHAHAHAHA! OTHERS: -_- >Rei reached out a tentative finger and touched the >string of cum that hung between Bengali's tip and the couch. She then >reached her hand up and TUXEDO: Raised the roof! (All make the obligatory "roof-raising" hand motions.) >stroked his head, rubbing the cum into it. HOTARU: So she's using cum as a cleaning agent now? CROW: That couch must be filthy! >She then surprised herself as she licked the cum off the couch and >proceeded to clean off Bengali's cock. S. KNIGHT: That's just wrong, but I won't make any argument if you wanna make a cum-cleaning joke here. AMY: Don't mind if I do. (Weird) Call the janitors, we've had a little accident up here! >Bengali moaned and reached a finger inside her JACK (Tygra): Hang on... almost got it... There! (Makes a poping noise.) Hey, a disembodied finger! HOTARU (Rei): So that's where my other finger went! Goes to show you not to masturbate too hard, I guess. OTHERS: YAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! HOTARU: Heh. You think Setsuna-mama would be proud? CROW: Probably not, but I sure am! >as Tygra sat back, panting CROW: Good Tygra! Here's your treat! AMY (Tygra, panting): Ruff ruff! >and watching. Bengali then looked down at Rei. JACK: And smited her with a divine thunderbolt. S.KNIGHT (Lum): DARLING NO B AKA! DEVINE RETRIBUTION! >"I feel your cervix. ALL: (Burst out laughing) TUXEDO AND JACK (Bill Clinton): I did "not" have sexual relations with that Senshi. >Are you still a virgin?" >Rei nodded. CROW: Isn't that impossible since she just had sex just now? S.KNIGHT: Smile and nod, Crow. Just like the rest of us. >"But I still have fire between my legs." HOTARU: (Snicker) All I'm gonna say... CROW: Let me! (Singing) Tygra's nuts roasting on an open fire... AMY (Rei): HELLO! MY CROTCH IS STILL ON FIRE! TUXEDO: (Goes into convulsions.) OH NO! AMY'S BURNING! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! NOOOOOOOO! AMY: Wha? S.KNIGHT: Blame "Isobel". That sonfic warped him. (Turns to Tuxedo.) ALEX, SNAP OUT OF IT! TUXEDO: YAH!... Oh, whoops... >She looked down. "Could you..." >Bengali nodded, understandingly. AMY: Amy vomited disgustingly. (Vomits all over the theater.) >She wrapped her arms around him and positioned herself over his lap. >She held on tightly and closed her eyes and he gently caressed her back. >"Are you ready?" he whispered. CROW: ... for some FOOTBALL!!!! >She nodded her head. ALL: THAT'S _IT!_ JACK: I'm not gonna tolerate this sh(BLEEP)t any more! TUXEDO: And I'm going after Blaine and Hachi after we get off of these Satellites! S. KNIGHT: So, damnable fic... HOTARU: You're going down!!! AMY: SUCK THIS!!! (All heroes fire their attacks at once. The combined attacks incinerate the screen.) ALL: (Cheer wildly, and then the fic is projected on the wall) DAMMIT!!!!! >************** TUXEDO: (Bitterly) Holes for my roses. YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE! (Roses lodge into the wall) >Minako lay awake in her bed. She always had trouble getting to sleep >in a new place. She tossed AMY: ... The plot out the window, since it was painfully obvious that everyone else was doing the same. >and turned; even tried snuggling up to one of CROW: The Thundercats! S. KNIGHT: NO, Crow! >her pillows. That sometimes helped, but not this time. She sighed and >slung her feet over the edge of the bed. TUXEDO: Next, she threw her legs over the headboard. Her left arm was next, thrown outside the room. After that, she removed her skull, and chucked it out the window to join with the plot. >She slipped them into her bunny >slippers and straightened out her pajamas. S.KNIGHT (Minako): Damn crooked nightwear... >She walked down the hall to >where she remembered the kitchen was. AMY: For she wanted a sedative and a lawyer to get her out of this fic. >At the little table sat CROW: A little prick... TUXEDO: Crow... >Panthro, Lynx-o, and Wilykat. CROW: Oh, three little pricks. AMY: Crow... >They were all >sitting around, talking. They gave her a friendly smile. HOTARU: (Wilykat) Here ya go, one friendly smile! JACK: (Lynx-O) You want fries with that? >"Come, child." Lynx-o said. "Have a seat and enjoy some warm milk." He >indicated a bottle in the middle of the table. CROW: Oh, it ain't warm "milk..." OTHERS: CROW!!! >Minako smiled. She sat down and poured a glass. JACK: A glass of pure, unbridled HELL! S.KNIGHT: That... didn't make any sense. JACK: Oh... well, I guess warm milk'll do. >"Thanks, I need it." >"So, how do you like it here?" Wilykat asked with a goofy smile. HOTARU: He continued the interrogation with smiles of the happy, maniacal, cold, warm, and toothless types. AMY: These guys are just loaded with smiles, aren't they? >She could tell that the boy was obviously a smitten kitten. TUXEDO: Artemis? CROW: That's just sick, Alex. TUXEDO: Shut up! Don't reveal my (deep dramatic voice) secret identity! AMY: As if we didn't already know... >"It's great. And the view out of my window is fabulous." she said. S.KNIGHT (Mina): Oh, yeah, the dumpster really looks great. And if I look hard enough, I can see the rats scurrying around in it! >"I'd love to go explore the jungle." ALL: (Hum the Indiana Jones theme) TUXEDO: Ladies and gentlemen, the Random Line of the Fanfic! OTHERS: (Deadpan) Huzzah. >"That can be dangerous." Wilykat said. "You ought to take a guide." JACK (Wilykat): I remember one time, I used a guide, and it got me to the 8th level! AND it told me all the cheat codes! >"Well, why don't you take me?" HOTARU (Mina): Take me! TAKE ME NOW!!!! (Normal) Whoa... sorry. AMY: The fic's getting to you. >Wilykat nearly did a spit-take with his milk. "Me?" CROW: (Manic) You want a spit take?!?!?!? HERE!!! (Spits motor oil on the fanfic.) S.KNIGHT: Ewww! I'm NOT cleaning that up! CROW: As opposed to all your vomit and crap like that? (The others whistle innocently and twiddle their thumbs.) >"Sure." JACK: Dude. TUXEDO: Sweet! JACK: Dude! TUXEDO: SWEET! JACK: DUDE! TUXEDO: _SWEET!!!_ S. KNIGHT: The obligatory "Dude, Where's my Car?" sketch. >"Alright, then." Wilykat said with a huge smile. AMY: (Wilykat) I'm gonna get some, I'm gonna get some... HOTARU: AGAIN with the smiles! They can open up their own friggin' store if they wanted. >Somehow, the discussion turned to relationships. JACK: Quick! When is a discussion not a discussion? When it turns into a relationship! BWAHAHAHA... Hahaha... hehe... no one's laughing. CROW: Weak, Jacky. Weak. >Normally, Minako would feel uncomfortable talking about such a personal subject with >three guys, but somehow, TUXEDO: The authors compelled her to continue. >she felt at peace. S. KNIGHT: For she was about to die. >"Well, you know Mina, you shouldn't really be so sad that you don't >have a CROW: Big penis. OTHERS: O_o JACK: TUXEDO FLARE! (The Flare spell from FFV slams into Crow) Too bad I can't do X-Magic... much. HOTARU: Like I said earlier, we don't tolerate cheap Oscar riffs here. >special someone." Panthro said. "You are young, yet. AMY: Yet, what? WHAT? Damn these incomplete clauses! They leave you hanging on by a THREAD! S.KNIGHT: You ARE being sarcastic, right? AMY: Duh. >Believe it or not, CROW: The fic is worthy of Ripley's? HOTARU: ALL the fics we riff are worthy of Ripley's! (The others nod in agreement.) >I didn't have any girls interested in me until I was old enough to claim my TUXEDO: (Panthro) Nuclear weapon from the feds. Damn regulations. >right as a Thundercat. Because of that, I was always afraid that they >were after my JACK: (Open's mouth.) HOTARU: (Holds out her Silence Glaive.) JACK: (Closes mouth.) >status." >Wilykat sat with his head on his fist. AMY (Bengali): Oh no! Now Wilykat is masturbating! When will the horrid activity end?!? CROW (Tygra): Why can't they be clean-cut like the two of us, I wonder? OTHERS: GUYS! >"I should be so troubled. I'm a >Thundercat and I still don't have them swarming over me. S. KNIGHT: (Terrified) KILLER BEES!!! RUN IN FEAR!!!! >Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone." TUXEDO (Wilykat): I mean, besides all the friendships and connections I've established over the years of my life. >Minako smiled and put a hand on his. JACK: Ah, the "erotic" smile is in effect. S.KNIGHT: Should we set up a "smile exchange" post up here, or what? >"I understand how you feel." >There was a jolt of electricity at her touch. CROW: BZZT! That gag never gets old. HOTARU: It does with me! Level 2 Old! *Crow seems to age 30 years in three seconds* Oh, I can't do this to you... Esna! *Crow is restored* >Wilykat went wide-eyed. He looked into her eyes and leaned forward and AMY: Ate her face off. JACK: Eeep! Hannibal Lector reference! >kissed her. She smiled and pushed him back into his seat. HOTARU: The "abusive" smile! CROW: Looks like we're gonna be in for some S&M action! Wa-hoo! >Panthro and Lynx-o smiled as she sat in his lap. TUXEDO: The "I'm Gonna Get Some" smile, ladies and germs! >They began kissing, >there tongues probing each other's eager mouths. CROW: There? S.KNIGHT: No, there. AMY: Where? S.KNIGHT: THERE! JACK: (Cartman) Dammit! Why does everything today have to do with something either going in or coming out of my mouth?!? >Wilykat reached up a hand and caressed her supple breast. She gasped. S.KNIGHT: And slapped him silly for his indiscretion. >As they sat, kissing and pawing each other, JACK & CROW: CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT! HOTARU: Guys! Consider the context! JACK: We know! It fits perfectly! (They continue chanting.) >she reached down and CROW: Ripped off his *DING*. TUXEDO AND JACK: NEVER MENTION THAT WHEN WE'RE AROUND!!! (Punch Crow) >rubbed the bulge Kat was developing. Considering his age, she was >very surprised. JACK: (Mina) Only three inches? Damn, I'd have thought that a fifteen-year-old guy'd be bigger! HOTARU: *CLANG* Stop with the hentai! >He was surprised also. TUXEDO (Wilykat): My first erection! YES! AND I get to put it to good use! HOTARU: *CLANG* You too! >She unlocked from his mouth and S.KNIGHT: Threw a firecracker in. >looked across the table at Panthro and Lynx-o. She felt like getting a >little crazy. WOMEN: (Singing) You drive me crazy... MEN AND CROW: Oh oh! WOMEN: (Singing) Like no one else! MEN AND CROW: Oh oh! BERYL'S VOICE: SHADDUP!!! (Zaps the group with lightning.) >She climbed onto the table on her hands and knees. AMY: Realizing that she couldn't go very far by just using her hands and knees, she decided just to hop up onto table instead. >She began undulating while slowly unbuttoning her pajama top. She could tell >that they were all sporting S. KNIGHT: The latest in summer sportswear! >raging hard-ons. S. KNIGHT: Oh, well... close enough. >She pulled off her top ALL: (Make a loud ripping sound.) CROW: What amazing upper-body strength! >and playfully tossed it at Kat. TUXEDO (Mina): Here, catch! JACK (Wilykat): AAAAIIIIIEEEE!!!! (Imitates a thudding sound) >She began caressing her breasts. She squeezed them and parted them. AMY: Quick! Someone get Moses on the horn! He'll get a kick out of this1 CROW: (Shakespeare) Parting is such sweet sorrow... who the hell am I kidding?!? This rocks! S.KNIGHT: CROW!!! >She then sat back with her legs under her and spread. AMY: She tended to use the word "she" at the beginning of each sentence. TUXEDO: She hoped that the authors would know how to use her name. HOTARU: She hoped that the lemon would stop. >She picked up the bottle of milk. "Do the kitties want some milk?" >The Thundercats just sat smiling. TUXEDO: Not thinking of anything in particular. Just smiling. CROW: Sheesh, with all the smiles in this fic ALONE, Tom and I can open an entirely new division in Evil Guy Products! >She poured the milk onto her chest. >They watched with pleasure as it flowed over and between her breasts, HOTARU: Uh, Minako? That's not how you lactate. AMY: Hotaru? Smile. Nod. >running little streams around her hardening nipples. It continued its trek JACK: Milk Trek - the next perversion. >south, over her belly button. She pulled the fronts of her pajama bottoms >out from he body S.KNIGHT: So, one of the Thundercats were wearing the other half of her pajamas all this time? >so that the milk could continue. The warm liquid flowed >between her lips, TUXEDO: Since liquid has the ability to teleport back to the face before reaching the crotch. JACK: Oh, like THAT will get me to sleep tonight. >stimulating her already sensitive area. AMY: "Area"??? Can't they just say "genitals"? CROW: Or how about "pussy"? HEROES: CROW!!! >She ran her hands over her body and into her pants. HOTARU: The ones that the Thundercats were wearing. Sure doesn't waste any time, doesn't she? OTHER: HOTARU! HOTARU: Sorry... thank Crow for that influence. >Panthro, followed by Lynx-o and Wilykat, JACK: Followed by the line of twenty guys hanging out the door... >leaned forward and began >licking her clean. They bit down on her nipples and sucked on her flesh. AMY: Can you say "Hannibal Lector"? ALL: Land Shark! *CHOMP* >She loved it. >Soon, she pulled her bottoms off. CROW: Of Panthro. OTHERS: CROW! CROW: Hey, Silver started that tangent! S.KNIGHT: You're right... sorry... >And spread her legs in front of Wilykat. TUXEDO: And failed to use proper grammar. >He wasted no time in leaning forward and running his tongue along her lips. JACK: Okay, we're starting with some softcore action around the face, huh? I can deal with that. HOTARU: Wrong lips, honey. JACK: Oh... OH! Even better! HOTARU: HENTAI BAKA! *WATAK*! >She sighed as his rough tongue ran circles around her hard clit. CROW (Tongue): Wheee! I like to run! It's fun! >It frustrated her terribly how he managed not to touch it. She let out a moan of AMY: Pure homicidal rage. >desperation and he clamped his lips around her clit JACK: With his handy-dandy vice from the garage... >and began sucking and >licking it. She let out a small cry. CROW (Mina): Wilykat! You bit my *DING* off! TUXEDO & S. KNIGHT: @_@ >Kat pulled away from her and stood up. Minako reached out and lifted up >his skirt. S. KNIGHT: Tsubasa Kurenai _is_ Wilykat. >She caressed his rod and pulled it, AMY: (Makes ripping sound.) HOTARU: Is the male genitalia that easy to break off? JACK & TUXEDO: NO! (Both cross legs) >moving him toward her. She ran her tongue up and down his shaft >and he shuddered. As she started to send the dick deep into the throat, CROW: She choked on it and died. The End. TUXEDO: Tom's darkness rubbing off on you? >Lynx-o slid under her S.KNIGHT: ... and crashed into a wall. >so she was straddling HOTARU: The table leg. >him. He had already taken off his tights and his dick was inches away >from her already dripping pussy. She sighed as he placed his hands on JACK: The candy bar that was in front of him. CROW: With the special "fudge" in the middle! (Both hentais start laughing, while the others pretend they don't know them.) >her butt and pulled her down on him. Lynx-o gritted his teeth as he inched >his way into AMY: If this goes back into the yaoi section, you're on your own. >her tight pussy. ALL: (Whew) >She wasn't a virgin, but her experiences were so few that she was still just >as tight. CROW: She's a frickin' vice! HOTARU: Well, Panthro clamped down on her, remember? >Then, she felt the table shake a little and realized TUXEDO: That the legs had fallen off. >Panthro had gotten onto it behind her. She felt him sticking a damp S. KNIGHT: Baster into the turkey. >finger into her ass. JACK: (Doctor) Time for your proctological exam! ALL (Rapping): F-D-A! F-D-A! F(BLEEP)k Dat Ass! (They realize what the hell they are talking about, and fall strangely silent for the next few minutes.) >It felt way better that she had ever imagined. Soon, >he replaced it with his dick. AMY: Pinch-hitting for Panthro's finger, Number 00, Panthro's dick! >Lynx-o had to quit pumping for a moment to allow Panthro >a moment of stillness to push into her. She moaned onto >Wilykat's cock as her anus was stretched wide. CROW: Holy crap, that's one helluva turd she's lettin' loose! HOTARU: CROW!!! >Once he was in, she went to Heaven. AMY: For she had died and gotten out of this crappy lemon. JACK: Tell her to put a good word in for us, okay? >All three of the guys began pumping in and out of her orifices as >fast and hard as they could. ALL: ... S.KNIGHT: It's official. We will all be able to stay awake tonight without the benefits of coffee. >It was a total jolt. TUXEDO: All the sugar and twice the caffeine! >When she was being pumped forward by Panthro, she was being pushed >backwards by Wilykat and at the same time, upwards by Lynx-o. CROW: Even with what I have in my memory banks, there is no way a human body can last that long without suffocating. OTHERS: Agreed. >She moaned loudly as she felt HOTARU: The bullet enter her skull and slay her. The end. >her pussy muscles contract and her clit tingle as it was mashed JACK: Up with some potatoes and served on a nice china plate. >by Lynx-o's upthrusts. Soon she felt her cum shoot from her and lubricate S. KNIGHT: The Ford's V-8 engine. >Lynx-o, allowing him to speed up even more. >To Minako's delight, they all groaned and came at once. (All participants hold up umbrellas.) >She thrilled at the feeling of having her ass, cunt, and mouth filled with sperm. JACK: Okay, I'm heading the betting pool that she has a bastard kitten! TUXEDO: I'll take that bet 2-to-1! >She collapsed onto Lynx-o's chest, panting. The rest of them also breathed >very heavily and each kissed her tenderly and gave her a hug. CROW: But the kiss was French and the hug turned out to be a Gainax bounce. JACK: Well, we can't say that it wasn't a hope of something tender. >************** TUXEDO: It's the hangout of the Stars! >Makoto awoke with a start. AMY: Pressing A makes her jump, and the B button uses her special attack! >She sat, panting as sweat ran down her body. JACK: And when the sweat got tired of running, it started to pant as well. >That was the worst nightmare she had had in a long time. She dreamed that S. KNIGHT: She'd been trapped on a Satellite and forced to watch bad fanfics. TUXEDO: Much like us. >her old boyfriend had come back. ALL (Singing): Hey na, hey na, my boyfriend's back! >But he wasn't the same. He had forced his way into her house and... >and... CROW: Disco danced the night away! >She sat up in her bed with a hand over her mouth and a few tears running HOTARU: The Boston Marathon. >down her cheeks. She thought she was over it. She had forgiven him for >that time he was drunk long before they broke up. AMY: Oh... my... God... HOTARU: She never told me... JACK: I never knew... TUXEDO: It's _TRUE_?!? S. KNIGHT: My God... she was raped... CROW: Geez... that's not right... AMY: How could she never tell me? >She slipped out of her bed TUXEDO: And onto the floor with a sickening thud. The blood seeped through her skull like yolk through an egg shell. The end. OTHERS: ... TUXEDO: What? >and walked to the bathroom. While there, >she splashed cold water on her face and changed into a dry T-shirt AMY: Serena later saw "Lita T-Shirt", and decided to wear her home. >and pair of panties. On her way back to her room, she dreaded going >back to sleep. She didn't want to have another dream like that. She >was almost relieved when she saw Cheetara and Wilykit going through a >closet in Cheetara's room. HOTARU: However, when she realized where she was, and who was writing the fanfic, she slipped right back into her depression. >She knocked on the door jam. CROW: Hey, "Door Jam" is a great music festival! And The Doors lead the other bands in! Don't knock it! >"Hi, I can't sleep. Mind if I sit up with you?" she asked. TUXEDO: Sit up! Sit up, Makoto! Good girl! >Cheetara smiled. "Sure. We couldn't sleep either, so we were S. KNIGHT: Assembling a nuclear arsenal to take out Jaga and the mutants. >cleaning out my closet." >"Well, hey." Mako said. "I'm a neat freak. I'll help out." >"Sure." Wilykit said. "The more the merrier." CROW: Heh, heh, heh... sounds like the orgy's starting! ALL OTHERS: CROW!!! >Makoto, Cheetara, and Wilykit sifted through the closet HOTARU: Sorting out the dirt... >for about an hour. They laughed and talked. AMY & S.KNIGHT (Amy and Serena): Keep it down! We're actually trying to sleep! >And given time, girls usually always >turn a conversation to either JACK: (Opens mouth) HOTARU: Even try to answer that question, and you die. JACK: (Shuts mouth) >boys or witchcraft. TUXEDO: Really? Interesting... (All the males quizzically look at the females.) AMY: ... No, we don't talk about witchcraft! >I don't think that the answer to what they were >talking about needs to be explained. S.KNIGHT: Great. Now it's SI... >"So I told him to get away or I was going to shove my staff up his butt." CROW: I wonder if she (ala Rock) "Turned that somb(BLEEP)tch sideways"? JACK: (Deadpan) That would hurt. >Cheetara said. "He left me alone the rest of the night." The others >laughed. ALL: (Laugh) >"Some guys just don't have a clue." S. KNIGHT: It was Colonel Mustard in the Library with the Revolver! >Makoto laughed. "My old boyfriend and I used to have romantic nights, >but he was pretty old fashioned. He just did it. Not much foreplay." AMY: FORE! HOTARU: Please, play through. >"I know. Don't guys realize that we aren't just breathing blow-up >dolls?" Wilykit added. CROW: This coming from Blaine AND Hachi Machi? What irony... >"I'll tell you, I like fantasies." Makoto said. "Role playing is the >best way to get the most out of sex." TUXEDO: So D&D's considered an aphrodisiac now? JACK: I'd be a human wizard, then. >Just then she found a police woman's uniform in the back of the >closet. "What's this?" HOTARU (Cheetara): Well, when it's a slow day, sometimes we pull out the Village People outfits and dance to YMCA. >"Oh," Cheetara said. "I wore that to the last Halloween party we had here." >Makoto smiled. "Wanna do something wild?" CROW: We'll go on a hunt for the lost dildoes of King Garuzia... S. KNIGHT: Alex? Please? TUXEDO: What? You want me to sign us up for the game? S. KNIGHT: ?!?!?! I MEANT HIT CROW!!! >----------------------------- JACK: Look, the Belmont Family whip! CROW: What role is it playing here? >Officer Mako opened the door to Cheetara's room. HOTARU: (Makoto) Whoa, two dead bodies! Guess I'd better report this... >She and Wilykat sat on the bed startled. >"This is the Dildo Police." ALL: O_O TUXEDO: What... JACK: The... CROW: F(BLEEP)ck... >Mako said, trying to keep in character by holding back a smile. S.KNIGHT: Looks like we had leftover smiles from last section... >"Cheetara, you a charged for smuggling dildos into Alabama." AMY: She's even got the Southern accent! >Cheetara stood up angrily. "Those charges are re'dick'ulous." ALL: (Groan) S. KNIGHT: That's just so sick. HOTARU: When we get out of here, I'm going to kill Beryl myself! >she said, emphasizing the word 'dick' TUXEDO: As if we didn't know that already. >and causing Mako and Wilykit to let loose a giggle. JACK: My God! It's a rabid giggle! We've got to kill the joke now! >"Ahem," Makoto said. "I will search you then." HOTARU: (Pulls on a silk glove) Bend over for the cavity search. Just wanna make sure there's no dynamite up your butt. CROW: (Immediately bends over) Go ahead! HOTARU: Oh for the love of... (Hits Crow repeatedly with the Silence Glaive.) >She pulled out her nightstick and made Cheetara and Wilykit put >their hands JACK: In a "special" region. *THWAP^2* S.KNIGHT: Cut that out! >on the wall and spread their legs. Makoto tapped up and down them with >the stick and her hands. TUXEDO: (Makoto) I'll search you! (Mimics sounds of punching and beating with a stick a la "Silence of the Lambs") Nope, you're clean! You can go through! (Looks down) Damn. Guess I'd better call the janitor. >She then slid Cheetara's leotard aside and probed her already damp HOTARU: Sponge. CROW: That's a new name for it. >pussy with a finger. "What's this?" she pulled a dildo, which was stuffed >up there, out halfway. ALL: (Major groaning.) JACK: The ping pong balls soon followed, along with the vibrator. (Hotaru is too busy throwing up to notice Jack's comments.) >She then went to Wilykit and did the same to her. >Her dildo was harder to pull out. CROW: And that would be because... S. KNIGHT: One more thing we're not going to tell you, Crow. >"Well, ladies. Looks like you are under arrest." Mako smiled. "Unless >you can convince me to let you go." AMY: (Cheetara) Well, here's one reason - I have Ebola fever! >Cheetara turned around and put her arms around Makoto. TUXEDO: And strangled her for coming up with such a stupid idea. >They embraced >each other and kissed. Their tongues entwined. Wilykit in the meantime >had begun moving her dildo in and out of her tiny pussy. She began to moan. JACK: We began to leave. *All exit* (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) @@@@@ BACK ON THE SOS... (Our heroes, and our robot, are all resting comfortably on the black and white couches.) S. KNIGHT: Geez, this lemon is getting worse and worse by the minute. AMY: Dildo police... yeesh... HOTARU: And it's making the men lose control. TUXEDO: Speak for yourselves. I'm maintaining my dignity in there. CROW: What little you have! (Tuxedo Alex pulls a nearby lava lamp off a table and smashes it over Crow. A noticeable vein is seen throbbing in Alex' forehead.) TUXEDO: You're lucky I'm not in a bad mood right now... JACK: Look, the important thing is that we're making it through. Also, that we're nearly done with it! S. KNIGHT: How do you know that? MAGIC VOICE: I read this damn thing back in the 20th century when Blaine sent it to me to be MSTed. Watch out for the Usagi/Lion-O scene. (From out of nowhere, the Fourth Wall falls on the Magic Voice speaker, crushing it.) SOL INHABITANTS: ... TUXEDO: I'm guessing that this happens a lot here. JACK: What, the wall bit? AMY: No, far as we know, it's the first time. HOTARU: (Walks over to Hexfield) Maybe we can get the SOL back on the comm. Anyone have any clue how this thing works? TUXEDO: Here! (Walks over and presses three buttons. A dialing sound results) HOTARU: What'd you press?!? TUXEDO: Star 69. CROW: Hee hee hee... S. KNIGHT: Shut _up_, Crow! If it gets us back to the SOL and the people there back here, it's worth it! (The ringing continues for about a minute before something appears on the viewscreen. Instead of the SOL, we see a picture of the SOL heroes, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy!) RECORDING: Hello. You've reached the residence of Tuxedo Alex, Falcon Knight, Sailor Silver Knight, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy. We're unable to come to the hexfield right now, so please leave your name and comm signal after the beep, and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks. (BEEP) JACK: Huh? S.KNIGHT: Damn, the machine picked up. Something might've happened! TUXEDO: (To viewscreen) Guys, it's me, Alex! If anyone's alive in there, pick up! C'mon! Pick up! (SOL) (No one is on the bridge at the moment. A ringing sound is heard throughout the Satellite. When the recorded message starts, we see Tom frantically make his way on screen.) TOM: Just a minute! Just a minute! (To the back.) Hey guys! We got a call! SETSUNA: (Off screen) I can't! I need to make more adjustments to the fic-bouncing machine! RANMA: (Off screen) Can't someone else get that? KODACHI: (Off screen) Oh ignore them, honey. Just go back to washing my back... RANMA: (Off screen, goofy): Okay! FALCON: (Off screen) Tom, you get it! RINI: (Off screen) Adam, baby, do that thing with the hands again... FALCON: (Off screen) Like this? RINI: (Off screen, Screams in pleasure) TOM: But I can't get it! (Whimpers) My arms don't work! (Gypsy makes her way onto the bridge.) GYPSY: I got it, Tom. (She slams the button down with her chin.) TOM: Gypsy, you're one-of-a-kind! GYPSY: I know. I'm the only one of my kind! TOM: ... Not what I meant, but... (SOS) TUXEDO: Pick up!... Hey, we got through! JACK: (German guy) Allo? Allo? Eez thees der pooblic lahbrohry? TUXEDO: (Whispering) Shut up! (Normal) Hey, Tom, Gypsy. Where's everyone else? (SOL) GYPSY: Well, their having... private moments right now... TOM: In the throws of romantic passion! And I'm not even with them! Dammit! (SOS) JACK: (Turns to Hotaru) Now how come we aren't doing that? HOTARU: *WATAK* (Turns to viewscreen) What about Setsuna? I thought the aphrodisiac wore off. CROW: The WHAT? HOTARU: Nothing, nothing... (SOL) TOM: Oh, she's working. I'll call her, again. She's been meaning to talk to you. (To the back) Yo, Setsuna! It's the SOS! SETSUNA: (Off screen) Really? Great! I'll be right there! (Setsuna makes her way back to the SOL Bridge after a moment.) SETSUNA: Hi, everyone! Sorry about the delay. How are you surviving the lemon? (SOS) AMY: We're getting by. We're at the "Dildo Police" section right now... (SOL) SETSUNA: WHAT? TOM: Really? Man, you guys get ALL the luck. SETSUNA: I'm... I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that... TOM: What, from there, or from me? SETSUNA: Yes. (SOS) TUXEDO: What's happening over on your end? (SOL) SETSUNA: Not much, really. Forrester managed to escape Malachite long enough to try and send the Oscarfic, but the Fic Bouncer that we've made threw it back at him! (SOS) S.KNIGHT: It works? Cool! No more bad fanfiction! (SOL) SETSUNA: Well, not exactly. It worked for the Oscarfic... but the fic was so BAD that the Fic Bouncer fell apart after the impact. I'm trying to fix it... again... (SOS) CROW: Well, that bites. TUXEDO: No kidding. Anything else happening, Setsuna? (SOL) SETSUNA: Well, for starters, Rini and Bird Boy seem to be sharing an "intimate" moment... (SOS) ALL: @_@ HOTARU: They're _WHAT_?!?!?!? (SOL) SETSUNA: I said it once. I ain't saying it again. TOM: Lets get them on camera, guys! Hehehe GYPSY: Tom, NO! (SOS) CROW: Oh come on, Gypsy! Have a little heart for us poor hentais up here! JACK: I would have to agree with Crow's statement. (SOL) GYPSY: Shut _UP_, Crow! SETSUNA: Shut _UP_, Jack! (SOS) S. KNIGHT: Such venom, Gypsy! (SOL) GYPSY: I apologize, Silver. With all these changes in the crew, it's starting to affect me just a little. (SOS) TUXEDO: Setsuna, do have ANY idea about how the hell to get us back to our respective Satellites? (SOL) SETSUNA: Nope, not one. Gypsy, Tom, and I are keeping busy thinking about some, and trying them out, but we're not sure... (SOS) AMY: And Ranma and Kodachi? (SOL) GYPSY: They're... busy at the moment... with eachother... TOM: Just like I said before. They can't keep their hands off one another! SETSUNA: Someone has to keep a level head around here. (Several screams are heard in the background from the rest of the current SOL crew.) SETSUNA: (Shakes her head.) And it sure as hell ain't them. (SOS) AMY: Forget I asked... (Sweatdrop.) HOTARU: SETSUNA, what if you use their computers to try and find the root of the plot contrivances? JACK: Hey, that's a really good theory. Way to go, Hotaru! HOTARU: (Blushes) Thanks... (SOL) SETSUNA: Now why didn't I think of that? TOM: I know! SETSUNA: WITHOUT breaking the fourth wall! TOM: Oh... SETSUNA: Okay, guys, I'll work on that right now. I'll keep you posted! (SOS) JACK: Good luck, SETSUNA. (The transmission breaks off. Just as it does, the klaxons sound, lights flash, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera!) JACK: What great timing. We've got DILDO POLICE SIIIIIIIGN!!!!! @@@@@ AS WE TRAVERSE BACK INTO THE LEMON INFESTED THEATER... (Door sequence version 1.09.3) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: A large ice cube. You melt it. Door 4: Azusa Shiratori. She claims that "the big shiny, gold thing" is SOOOOO CUTE! You flee in terror. Door 3: The cast from Monty Python. You just barely pass the giant foot from squishing you (yet it crunches the Pythons) as you continue. Door 2: A flying Fushigidane. (Bulbasaur) You stare in wonderment. Door 1: Swedish Chef. You "urn-de-burn-de-hurn" for a minute, then summon Dr. Thinker and set the pair a-talking. (Seats are taken once again. Seating order: Crow, Amy, Tuxedo Alex, Silver Knight, Jack, and Hotaru.) >"Do you have anymore illegal contraband?" HOTARU: (Cheetara) Ten pounds of heroin, three ounces of crack, and then there's the two hundred tons of pot. JACK: (Makoto) No, no, I meant sex stuff. HOTARU: (Cheetara) Oh... never mind, then. >Makoto asked as she rubbed Cheetara's ass. S.KNIGHT: We groaned as we rub our temples... >Cheetara smiled and pulled a >box full of CROW: Explosives! JACK: Mmm... bombs... (Drools) HOTARU: His love of ordinance is certainly out of the ordinary. >dildo's out from under her bed. Even Wilykit was shocked. TUXEDO: BZZT! (Crow gets a slight shock, and jumps out of his chair.) Now we're even. CROW: (muttering) Dickweed. >She often 'borrowed' a dildo from Cheetara, but it was always in her >nightstand. She never saw the box. AMY: (Dark) For it was the legendary Pandora's Box, and if it was opened, it would release _DOOM!!!_ into the world. >Makoto smiled at Wilykit and told her to lay on the bed, on her back. JACK: Heh. B(BLEEPtch... HOTARU: JACK! >Wilykit did and Makoto got on her hands and knees. CROW: (Austin Powers) Doggy style, baby, yeah! S. KNIGHT: CROW!!! >She ran a finger op the crack of Wilykit's ass to her clit. She then >lowered her face ALL: (Make various beeping and dump truck noises) >to the little muff and pulled the lips apart. AMY (Dentist): Lets take a look at those molars... TUXEDO: Wrong lips, Amy. AMY: (Sniff) I know... >She used her tongue to S. KNIGHT: Taste the oxtail-artichoke ragout on the beef tenderloin that lay before her. CROW: Oh, they were tender loins, all right... (Snickers) S. KNIGHT: Crow, you are _DISGUSTING_!!! JACK: If there's one guy that ain't gonna make it out of the theater, it's him. TUXEDO: No argument here. >tickle around Wilykit's lips and flicked it against her clit. Kit >moaned and squirmed under Mako. AMY: (Wilykit) No, Mako, I don't wanna get a shot!!! >In the mean time, Cheetara had set the box next to them and pulled out >a strange looking strap-on. TUXEDO: It was strange because it had pictures of Michael Jackson on one side and pictures of Marilyn Manson on the other. JACK: That's not strange, that's just f(BLEEP)ed up. MAGIC VOICE: LANGUAGE! >It had two dildos on the outside and two on the inside. HOTARU: Not only that, but it slices! CROW: It dices! S.KNIGHT: It makes julienne fries! TUXEDO: And it can be YOURS if the fanfic ends in the next 30 minutes! AMY: No such luck there. >She slipped it on, >groaning as she pushed the inside dildos into her cunt and ass. S.KNIGHT (Cheetara): (Groaning) Ugh, I can't believe I'm DOING this! >She then >slipped the outside ones into Mako's slit and butt. Mako moaned into >Wilykit's cunt. JACK: Huh? That serves no real purpose! AMY: It's like screaming into a butt hole. JACK: And what purpose does THAT serve, I ask you? AMY: (Thinks about it.) Oh great, I'm becoming Blaine! >It was wonderful feeling. ALL: (Singing) It's a wonderful life... JACK: I prefer "It's a Crappy Lemon". >Wilykit had selected a dildo from the box and was eagerly sucking on it. HOTARU: Mmmm... Cherry... >She loved the flavor. She could tell that Cheetara had used it recently. S.KNIGHT: She hoped that the authors would stop using the word "she" so much. >Mako then pulled out a long, double-sided CROW: ... DVD of Austin Powers! >dildo and slipped this into Wilykit's pussy. When it had gone in as far >as it could, Makoto began sucking on it. TUXEDO: Unfortunately, the dildo managed to go all the way into Cheetara's pussy, so in order to suck on the dildo, Mako had to put her face INTO... S.KNIGHT: ALEX! That riff stops NOW! >This caused it to drive in and >out of Wilykit's honeypot. Meanwhile, Cheetara pulled out a thirteen-inch >long dildo that was attached to what looked like a belt or a gag. TUXEDO: Belt. JACK: Gag. TUXEDO: BELT. JACK: GAG! CROW: Who cares? Watch the lemon! >She slipped AMY: ... and crashed into a wall. The end. HOTARU: Everyone is slipping! What gives? S.KNIGHT: We must be watching the blooper reel or something. >the dildo into her mouth, moaning as it slid down her throat. CROW: Hmm... maybe there's a market for alcohol-flavored dildos. I must check into that when we get back. >She then tied the cloth at the back of her head, ALL: RAMBO! >causing it to stay and >giving her free use of her hands. JACK: Anyone figure out why the hell she tied a dildo to her head? TUXEDO: Just smile and nod. Smile and nod... >She grabbed Mako's hips and began pumping double-time. AMY: (Cheetara) Must hit oil! I know it's there! HOTARU: (Cheetara) Damn, the boat's sinking! I've gotta pump the water out! >Makoto saw that only one orifice was not filled. TUXEDO: And that's the kitchen sink. >She reached over and selected the biggest dildo that was left. JACK: Which was about the size of a pencil. S.KNIGHT: So THAT'S what the Washington Monument was for... I always wondered... TUXEDO: What did you say? S.KNIGHT: Nothing, nothing... >She also took a bottle of Ultra Glide from the box and smeared some on >the dildo and then on her middle finger which she stuffed up Wilykit's ass, >causing her to gasp. CROW: Okay, can someone clarify what went up? The finger or the dildo? JACK: Do you really want to know? >She had never had anything stuck up her ass before and this dildo was >two inches wide! She AMY: Bled anally due to the strain of the dildo and died. The end. THE END! THE _END_! END, DAMN YOU! END! END! END! JACK: Amy! Calm down! HOTARU: Don't go insane on us now! Relax! AMY: (Pants heavily) This is REALLY tough to get through... >bit down on the dildo in her mouth and grunted as >Mako removed her finger and shoved the dildo as hard as she could up >Wilykit's ass. CROW: O_O Forget I asked... TUXEDO: (Malicious grin) Nope, Crow, it was the finger. CROW: (Body shakes) Eeeeeeuuuuuurrrrrrgh....... >All the girls were in ecstasy, not having a single open orifice between them. ALL: ... S.KNIGHT: Now THERE'S an image that will give me nightmares for the next 20 years! >Cheetara began pumping as hard as she could against Mako. This shook Mako, TUXEDO (Mako): EARTHQUAKE! >causing her to shove hard into Wilykit's pussy. They began moaning and >groaning loudly as they reached climax. AMY: They arrived at Mount Everest and planted their flags in the peak! >Cheetara came first. The dildo and panties caused her to spew HOTARU: (Skippy Squirrel) Speeeeew... (Yawn)... >out on either side because of the pressure, soaking her inside legs >and splashing some onto Makoto's ass. JACK: Cheetara: The raging river of orgasmic fluid... (Yawn)... (Hotaru is asleep, not hearing Jack's obscene comments.) >The feeling of Cheetara shuddering >and the stickiness soaking her caused her to cum. It ran down her legs >and to her knees. S.KNIGHT: ZZZZZ... CROW (Cum): Wheee! Running! It's great! >Then Wilykat came. As she did, Mako pushed the dildo >as hard and far as she could into Kit's cunt. TUXEDO: ZZzzzZZZZZ... HOTARU: ZZZZZ... CROW: So far, that it came out her ear! Boy, I'm funny! Right guys?... Guys? JACK: ZZZZZ... >She also moved as far down >it as possible until no dildo could be seen between Wilykit's quivering >pussy and Mako's mouth. ALL BUT CROW: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... CROW: Great... the sex was so bad they went to sleep! (Begins to slap them all awake) WAKE UP! I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THIS ON MY OWN!!! >They all pulled their dildos out and laid back on >the bed. They smiled as they smeared cum on each other and licked it >off each other's fingers. CROW: (Lickitung) Licki...cum! Lickicum! OTHERS: CROW! CROW: Glad to see you're awake. >************** S. KNIGHT: Staryu, Starmie, go! >Ami AMY AND TUXEDO: O_O (Facefault to the 6.02^23 power. [Avogadro's constant]) AMY: Kami-sama, _I'm_ in this too? TUXEDO: (Chanting) Ami is good and pure, Ami is good and pure... CROW: Great. More "Isobel" flashbacks. >entered the recreation room. She couldn't sleep so she decided to JACK: Participate in this God forsaken lemon. AMY: Shut up! >look through the books and files that the Thundercats had so that she >could learn about Third Earth. HOTARU: And its deadly inhabitants, all of which could be lethal given the right circumstances. >Inside she saw Snarf with a towel over his shoulder, heading toward a TUXEDO: Poorly contrived hentai sequence? JACK: Way to go, Captain Obvious. TUXEDO: Hey! >door on the opposite side. S. KNIGHT: The shuttlebay. He used it to get out of the Cat's Lair and go to the planet Hrrn-de-brrn-de-hrrn. CROW: (Deep) The planet of the Swedish Chefs. >She said hi and he smiled and returned it. AMY (Snarf): I never liked your hi's anyway! Snarf! > She could tell she liked >Snarf. AMY: ... No... NO... NO! CROW: Gee, Oscar eat your heart out! AMY: SHUT UP! I AM _NOT_ SCREWING A CAT! NOT ME! NOPE! >Maybe it was because they were both probably the most underestimated >members of their teams. JACK: And Snarf went psycho and blew everyone away with the Cat's Lair's laser guns. CROW: (Snarf) Underestimate me, will you! Snarf snarf! I'll snarfing kick your sorry snarfing asses!!! >"Snarf, snarf. Wanna join me in the jacuzzi?" Snarf asked. CROW: Snarf is da pimp. JACK: For once, I'll agree with you. AMY: (Turns beat red and sinks in her seat.) >"It's really relaxing. Pumyra's already there." S.KNIGHT: Pump my WHAT? HOTARU: It's only a character. Relax! S.KNIGHT: Then why do I feel so morally offended already? TUXEDO: As opposed to the rest of the fic? S.KNIGHT: Touche. >"I would," Ami said with a smile. "But I'm afraid I don't have a TUXEDO: Rocket launcher. HOTARU: At least I'm not going with you in there... though a Jacuzzi would be nice. Jack? JACK: Maybe... if our new guests would care to join us and take advantage of our amenities. >bathing suit." >"Snarf, that's okay. There are plenty of spares. You could use either >Cheetara's or Wilykit's." CROW (Snarf): Just make sure to take out any vibrators left in there. Sometimes they forget. AMY: Eeep! Flashback to the last scene! >"Okay." Ami calculated in her head. AMY: The distance to kick Snarf's tiny hiny OUT OF THIRD EARTH! >Wilykit's would be too tight. Yet TUXEDO: Amy in a tight bikini... mmm... (Drools) AMY: I don't mind it... S. KNIGHT: Well, I do. SILVER STAR FLOOD! (The energy stars pelt Alex) TUXEDO: And to think I let you have all those Darien dream states. >Cheetara's would definitely be too big. CROW: But Hachi Machi's was just right... OTHERS: CROW! CROW: Sorry!... Speaking of which, where the hell IS that monkey? JACK: You're looking forward to him? >She decided to go with Cheetara's >because it could at least be tightened to fit her better. ALL: (Dryly) How convenient. >Ami walked into to jacuzzi room and smiled at Snarf and Pumyra. JACK: Oh come on! Do we HAVE to allude to ALL the previous scenes? >She laid >her towel to the side, adjusted the bikini top that was a few sizes too big, AMY: (Evil grin) And then the top falls off. TUXEDO: (Nosebleed) HOTARU: *THWAP THWAP* S.KNIGHT: Good idea. *THWAP THWAP* >and slipped into the jacuzzi. S.KNIGHT: And cracked her head right open. TUXEDO & AMY: HEY! S.KNIGHT: That got you out of the dream state, didn't it? >Snarf was right. Within minutes she was >leaning back, totally relaxed as the bubbles shot around her. CROW: (Imitates gunshots) Bubbles firing weapons everywhere! My God, the carnage! TUXEDO & JACK: The horror... the horror... >"Snarf," Ami said, inquiringly. "What all do you do." S. KNIGHT: (Snarf) Take orders, make pizzas, throw crap at people. You get the drift. CROW (Snarf): Each other. HOTARU: CROW! *WATAK* >"Snarf, snarf. Well, I do most of the cleaning, the cooking, >and I take care of Lord JACK: (Imitates klaxon) Tenchi crossover imminent! >Lion-o." >"Sound's like an awfully big responsibility." Ami said. >"Oh it is. But it's as nothing to the Mighty Snarf." Snarf said with pride. TUXEDO: Snarf the Mighty... saving the world, destroying evil, and slaying undead - all before lunch! JACK: Then he lunches with Frasier and Niles and becomes a prestigious psychiatrist after three hours. >Pumyra mouthed the last sentence as he said it, causing Ami to giggle. AMY: (Giggles) TUXEDO: What... AMY: Oh, dear god... the fic must be affecting me! S. KNIGHT: The Improbability Field... you being written in... that'd do it! HOTARU: But... that would mean... she'll act out the lemon scene! AMY: Then you'd better tie me down, cause I don't wanna... do...whatever it's got me doing. TUXEDO: Must... keep... mental images in check... must... keep.... GYAH!!! (Nosebleed) S. KNIGHT AND HOTARU: (Strap Amy's hands to her sides and tie her legs together) S. KNIGHT: That should do it. I'm just happy that it's not me. >"Oh Snarf. What would we do without you." Pumyra said. TUXEDO: Find someone else to worship. HOTARU: Commit homicide, die, you get the drift. CROW: Eat, drink, and... be fat and drunk. JACK: (Holds up beer bottle) C'est la raison de etre! >Ami, at that point had unconsciously slid over onto one of the jets. CROW: She was then chopped to bits by the jet engine's turbines. OTHERS (Singing): Fly me to the moon... >She let off a small squeal as the rush of water completely opened up >her S. KNIGHT: So we can see her insides! HOTARU: Ah, Amy DOES have a pure heart! CROW: Ain't gonna be that pure much longer. JACK: I'll drink to that! (Chugs another beer.) >pussy. Snarf and Pumyra, not knowing what happened, looked at her. >She flushed furiously. JACK: Hoping to take down the huge amounts of crap she left in the toilet. AMY AND TUXEDO: HEY!!! >Then Pumyra noticed what happened and smiled. Snarf noticed this. TUXEDO: (Snarf) Noted and logged, snarf snarf. >"Oh no." Snarf said. "Last time you fooled around in here, you somehow >clogged up the drain. Snarf snarf. And guess who had to clean it out." ALL: (Facefault) CROW: (Lion-O) Thunder - thunder - thundercum - CUM!!!! S. KNIGHT: That is disgusting, Crow. I ought to hit you. CROW: You're not gonna hit me? S. KNIGHT: I never said that. *THWAP* >Before Ami knew what was happening, Pumyra had scooted next to her. HOTARU (Pumyra): *POOF* Behold my magic! Thank you! >"What happened?" she asked, innocently. >"I..." Ami stuttered. AMY: (Ami) Mah name is Ami. Ami Gump. >"Did the jet get you?" Pumyra smiled. "That happens a lot. Right here?" >Pumyra put her hand down the front of Ami's bikini bottoms. TUXEDO: (Closes eyes and chants louder) Ami is good and pure, Ami is good and pure... AMY: Alex! Calm down! >"Snarf snarf. Pumyra. Not again. You do this to everyone you can get in >here." Snarf whined. HOTARU: (Steward) Here we have a nice Snarf Cabernet, vintage 1992. It goes nicely with the Senshi Cherries Jubilee and Thundercats Cream Pie. TUXEDO AND JACK: *Facefault* JACK: Nani? Hentai from _you_, Hotaru? HOTARU: What? TUXEDO: o_o''' Never mind. >"Well, you never seem to mind." Pumyra said with a wink at Snarf. ALL: GAUGH! HOTARU: They're boinking Snarf on the side?!? CROW: Of ALL the (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP) that is holy on this (BLEEP)ing Satellite! JACK: Why steal plots from Oscar? WHY?!?!? >Meanwhile, Ami was gasping as Pumyra's hand gently rubbed her most private >area. TUXEDO: And that would be... (Eyes still closed tightly) S. KNIGHT: Just open your eyes. TUXEDO: I can't! That'd destroy an image I've had of Ami since I was a child! S. KNIGHT: (To Hotaru) On three... one... two... three! (Both pull up one of Tuxedo Alex's eyelids. Needless to say, he sees the fanfic.) TUXEDO: AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!! >She was, of course, a virgin, and she planned to stay that way until CROW: The hand of Hachi Machi commanded it to disappear. >she was able to get out of college, or until she had found the man she would >marry; whichever came first. JACK: (Judge) I sentence you to life or three million years in prison... whichever comes _last._ >She masturbated on a regular basis, but another person's hand was way >better. AMY: Namely cause I don't have to clean it afterwards. TUXEDO: O_o >"Pumyra snuggled up close to Ami and kissed her neck. "Isn't this nice?" S. KNIGHT: Are we narrating or dictating or what here? CROW: Does it look like I give a damn? TUXEDO: Just end this torture! >She moaned a sigh of happiness as she continued to rub Ami. Ami was >stunned, JACK (Captain Kirk): Looks like our phasers work! TUXEDO (Spock): This lemon scene is highly illogical. CROW (Dr. McCoy): The plot is dead, Jim. >yet she didn't want it to stop. She just sat there as Pumyra AMY: Hopefully killed the fic me. TUXEDO: No! Amy-chan must stay alive! >pulled her top off. She licked circles around Ami's hardening nipples. HOTARU: Which turned to stone soon afterwards. CROW: (Pumyra) Mmm! Tastes like lime! JACK: Clever. *THWAP* >Ami moaned as Pumyra began suckling on her breasts and continued to rub >her clit. >"Snarf snarf. Well, I'll probably end up cleaning up the mess, so I might >as well get something from it." Snarf said. She too began suckling on one CROW AND JACK: O_o Didn't the fic call Snarf a "he" a while back? TUXEDO: Oh, crap... HOTARU: OSCAR TERRITORY APPROACHING! S.KNIGHT: Are you kidding? WE'RE ALREADY THERE! >of Ami's breasts. Without thinking, Ami put one hand down Pumyra's panties >and began mimicking what Pumyra was doing to her. S. KNIGHT: (Shaking) And the Mimic class is just one of the 25 job classes in Final Fantasy Five! AMY: Please don't do what I think I'm gonna do, please don't do what I think I'm gonna do, please don't do what I think I'm gonna do... >She then ran the other hand down Snarf's front, but all she found was a >hole. ALL: (Run around the theater screaming in horror) JACK: OSCAR'S HERE!!! HE'S GUESTING AS SNARF!!! CROW: HIT THE PANIC BUTTON! AMY: WE DON'T HAVE ONE! CROW: WELL MAKE ONE! >"I thought you were a male?" TUXEDO: So did we! >"I am, Snarf snarf." he said. "But we don't have genitalia like you." ALL: (Facefault) S. KNIGHT: That's REALLY comforting! I think I'll be able to sleep COMPLETELY WELL tonight! >He moaned as Ami shoved her finger into his hole. TUXEDO: (Pulls out a bazooka) How about I shove THIS in your hole! CROW: You idiot! You'll kill us all! TUXEDO: I will NOT read an Oscarfic in disguise! NOT ME! AMY: STOP! PLEASE! I thought you were the sane one! S.KNIGHT: (Sigh) That title is mine. Allow me. (Snaps fingers) DOWN! (Tuxedo Alex immediately puts down the bazooka and returns to his seat.) JACK: Well, I guess we know who wears the pants on the SOL... TUXEDO: Shut up! >She could feel that it >was very slick inside. Snarf twisted his tail around and tickled her anus >with it. HOTARU: Why'd he tickle your anus? AMY: Haruka's in the fic? Damn, I thought that this was bad before. >They all began to moan as they got into the heavy petting. Soon, Pumyra >felt Ami's muscles tightening around her finger. JACK: As Amy's fist grew to Popeye-esque proportions and knocked Pumyra to the upper atmosphere. >Ami squealed as her juices >flowed into the water. Soon, Snarf also came on Ami's hand. She pulled it >out of the water and sucked on her finger. His cum was very sweet tasting. CROW: Much like blood or motor oil. TUXEDO: I'm not going to ask. CROW: Good. >While watching this, Pumyra came too. Ami held her hand on Pumyra's >pussy. HOTARU: BWAHAHAHAHA! Funny! Pussy! They're all cats! That's hilarious! So ironic! So... so... no one's laughing. OTHER: (Groan) >To give herself a climax was one thing, but to give another person >the good feel was very self-gratifying. CROW: Watching two guys make out with each other: 50 points of sanity. S.KNIGHT: Seeing a ten-year-old boy screw a teenager: 75 points of sanity. AMY: Sitting through that God-forsaken Dildo Police segment: 150 points of sanity. JACK: Making someone orgasm by yourself: Priceless. HOTARU: For these moments, a normal fanfic will do this to you. TUXEDO: For everything else, there's "Fit To Be Tied." >Pumyra and Ami hugged each other. "Thank you." Ami whispered. JACK: (Amy) Thank you for killing me slowly and painfully. TUXEDO: I thought it was Rei that was into S&M. AMY: She is. Molly found the whips and leather in her closet. S. KNIGHT: O_o >Snarf sat looking at the cum floating in the water. "Snarf, snarf, I hope >that doesn't clog up the drain. S. KNIGHT: (Snarf) Crap. Snarf snarf. That's gonna take the plumbers. >************** ALL: YES! SNARF'S ROLE IS OVER!... CRAP! THERE'S STILL MORE! >"Food, food. Must have food." Usagi said as she walked down the long hall >toward the JACK: Death chamber! >kitchen. She hoped that the Thundercats knew what donuts were. HOTARU: (Marge) Donut? What's a donut? JACK: (Homer) AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! (Donuts rain down in the theater) HOTARU: (Marge) Look, it's raining again! TUXEDO: Great, more plot contrivances... KLAXONS: FOURTH WALL BREACH!!!! (Klaxons blare) ALL: WE APOLOGIZE!!! (Klaxons shut up) >She heard a clanking sound in the gym to her right and saw Lion-o >pumping some iron. S.KNIGHT: I never knew iron was inflatable! >He had his top off WOMEN: O_O HOTARU: For once, I feel the urge to go hentai... AMY: I don't normally advocate nudity, but this is one time I'll go OOC. S. KNIGHT: (To Tuxedo Alex) Alex, lend me a dollar. TUXEDO: (Hands Silver Knight a dollar bill) What for? S. KNIGHT: (Waves the bill) Work it, honey! TUXEDO AND JACK: -_-''' JACK: Is she usually like this? TUXEDO: We're all warped in some way, shape, or form because of this. I don't think we'll ever be the same again. JACK: Good point. >and she watched intently as his pecs bobbed and lurched with each pump. TUXEDO: (Captain McAllister) The white pecs! Off the starboard bow! Arrr! >It was nothing like Mamoru's little man-breasts. JACK: Looks like he needs the man-ssiere from Costanza & Kramer Corp, then! WOMEN: (Still ogling and whistling at Lion-O. Hotaru is taking pictures of him) >Soon he stopped to wipe the sweat off his brow and noticed Usagi. He >smiled at her. She walked in. CROW: (Manic) Right into the PIT OF SPIKES!!!! AH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! JACK: Calm down, Crow. Don't go Kodachi on me. >"Do you usually do exercises in the middle of the night?" she asked. >Lion-o smiled. "No, I was just having trouble sleeping." CROW (Lion-O): I was hoping to pound the iron into my head to knock myself unconscious. No such luck, I guess. >Usagi nodded and straddled a weight machine. She experimentally pulled on >the bar that lifted the weights but it wouldn't bulge. She pouted at it. JACK: Usagi _is_ Pamela Lee Anderson. HOTARU: (Snaps out of dream state) WHAT?!?!? JACK: Nothing, honey. Go back to your fantasy. HOTARU: Okay! (Returns to dream state) TUXEDO: (Thinking) I swear, this place is weirder than the SoL. CROW: Funny, I think it's remarkably similar for some reason... (Looks at Jack.) JACK: What? What!?! CROW: Never mind. Heh. >"Do you work out?" Lion-o asked. >"Well...no." she said sheepishly. ALL MEN (Sheep): Baaaaaaa. Baaaaaaaaa? Baaaaaaaaaa! ALL WOMEN: (Continue to stare mindlessly.) >Lion-o smiled and adjusted a pin on the machine and Usagi was able to >lift the weights. "I probably should." she said. "A lot is expected of >me as the leader." TUXEDO (Usagi): It's my job to get the table! CROW (Bubba Ray Dudely): USAGI! TUXEDO (Usagi): YEAH! CROW (Bubba Ray Dudely): GET THE TABLE! >Lion-o nodded. "I understand. Its hard to be so young JACK (Lion-O): I mean, the whole "aging" thing kinda eludes me. >with so much responsibility." >Usagi nodded, recalling the conversation at the dinner table where they >were told how Lion-o was just fourteen when it came to his experiences. >"How do you do it?" CROW (Lion-O): Usually doggy-style... D'OH! >"Well, I really trust the people I work with. JACK (Lion-O): That's why we don't use protection... D'OH! D'OH! >That's the main thing. >You need to really trust and have a friendship with them." TUXEDO: (Lion-O) After all, you don't want them killing you, do you? (Laughs) No! So keep them happy, and a coup won't result. >he said. "Here, let me show you," ALL WOMEN: (Cheer wildly) ALL MEN: (Groan) >he added as he watched her lifting >the weights in the wrong form. CROW: After Lion-O changed Usagi into her Neko form, she was able to lift much better. Heheheeee... TUXEDO: (Sigh) Michelle, dear, you with us YET? S.KNIGHT: (Still staring) Huh... what? TUXEDO: Nothing, nothing... (Rolls eyes) >He sat down on the bench beside her and >placed his hands on hers. "You need to hold your arms like this." he said, >as he showed her. ALL WOMEN: (Snap out of dream state) S. KNIGHT: What... was... I... _DOING_?!?!?!? HOTARU: Oh... my... _GOD_... AMY: Can someone untie me? PLEASE? >She could smell his musky odor HOTARU: (Usagi) Phew! Lion-O, go take a bath! >and feel his chest against her back. ALL: *CRUNCH* S.KNIGHT (Usagi): My back! You were leaning too hard! >It really was as hard as steel. As >they pumped the weights, she felt a sensation in her stomach. AMY: Must be those tacos coming back for seconds. CROW: Rini! OTHERS: ... CROW: Hah! Got ya thinking there... >It was the same little tingling that she had when she was anticipating >a romantic night with Mamoru. JACK: (Usagi) Whoa, better get the antacids and the Pepto-Bismol. TUXEDO (Usagi): My hentai sense is tingling. >She closed her eyes as Lion-o's large arms moved at her sides. She >then tilted her head back and gave Lion-o a peck on the cheek. HOTARU: Today's guest star: Woody Woodpecker. >Lion-o's >eyes went wide. "What..." he said. TUXEDO: She kissed you, dumbass. CROW: No f(BLEEP)ckin' duh. TUXEDO: Language... CROW: So? You haven't cared up until now. TUXEDO: Touche. >She amazed herself AMY: By going so long in the fanfic without hitting a lemon sequence. >at the feelings she was having and how freely she >was expressing them. She lifted an arm behind his head and pulled his >lips to hers and they sat there kissing for a long while. S. KNIGHT: (TV announcer) Lion-O and Usagi made out with the exercise machines and the medicine balls. AMY: Do I even need to say anything? >Finally, she stood up, turned, and sat, facing him. She could see that >his speedos were tented out. HOTARU: But _we_ didn't need to see it! JACK AND TUXEDO: (Shut eyes) CROW: Thanks a lot, fanfic! (Throws a chair at it. It bounces off the screen and knocks Jack out) TUXEDO: Maybe we'd better take a break... (Exit all) (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) @@@@@ ANOTHER TRIUMPHANT RETURN TO THE SOS BRIDGE! AGAIN! YAY! (All riffers are sitting there, drinking various alcoholic drinks and frowning. Jack is, of course, still unconscious.) S. KNIGHT: God, this thing is getting worse and worse. TUXEDO: Sorry for almost losing it back there. S.KNIGHT: S'ok. I was about to use the "Big" bow and arrow. TUXEDO: (Wide-eyed) Ah. I see. CROW: Huh? S.KNIGHT: Never mind. That's a "need to know" subject. CROW: (Starts shivering) HOTARU: I just hope the Outer Senshi aren't involved too. AMY: I don't think that they will... but would you _please_ untie me?!? My lemon section is long over with! TUXEDO: I don't know... AMY: Please? (Kawaii smile) CROW: Gaah! Turn it off! HOTARU: Geez, someone call the dentists! TUXEDO: Oh, how can I resist! (Unties Amy) (Jack slowly wakes up, holding his head.) JACK: Ugh... what happened? AMY: Crow happened. JACK: Figures. S.KNIGHT: Hey, we have a call! HOTARU: The SOL? S.KNIGHT: (Looks at the Caller ID, and frowns.) Nope, the "NegaCave"? Huh? JACK: Crap... that'll be Beryl. Someone hit the button! TUXEDO: I'm up. I'll get it. *Slaps the button* (Queen Beryl and company appear on the screen. He see Frank chained up in the background.) (NegaCave) BERYL: Just checking in, o heroic scum. Just what was that flux from? ZOISITE: An Improbability Field, ma'am! BERYL: An Impotence Field? Damn! My tentacle demons are out of work! (SOS) JACK: I always thought that you used them! (NegaCave) BERYL: (Mr. Peabody) Quiet, you. *Zaps him with lightning* Now, I've been in communication with this Doctor Forrester. An interesting man, quite evil and cruel. (SOS) S. KNIGHT: Yep, that's him. CROW: Son of a bitch! AMY: Relax. Beryl can't do anything from where she is. (NegaCave) BERYL: Actually, I'm on my way to visit him in the intensive care ward of Deep 13 1/3. (SOS) TUXEDO: Intensive Care Ward? The hell? (NegaCave) BERYL: Well, Malachite was a bit too hard on him these past few hours, I'm afraid. He's been beating on the poor Doctor ever since he got to Deep 13 1/3. He's been bleeding so bad, Malachite called him the next Sir Papacha. Oh well. (SOS) (All those from the SOL laugh their collective @$$ off.) CROW: I think I speak for all of us here when I say that Dr. Forrester can... kiss my big golden ass! JACK: Yeah! Kiss Crow's big golden ass! He loves it! CROW: Shut up! (NegaCave) BERYL: Yes, well, I'll be sure to tell him that once I get Malachite back. Oh, yes... Sailor Silver Knight, wasn't it? I'll be _sure_ to give Steve some lemons involving Pokemon and Star Trek. *Vanishes* ZOISITE: Hey, guys, I'll give you some stuff to help you outlast the fic if you can stop this weirdo from doing damage. He's wrecked half the cave! We had to chain him up in a cage to... (Looks back in the cage, and notices Frank is missing.) Hey! Where the f(BLEEP)ck did he go now!?! FRANK: (Off Screen) Ooh! What's this button do? ZOISITE: No, don't push that! (Frank pushes the button... and a load of squawking chickens are dumped on Zoisite. Needless to say, she's pissed.) (SOS) ALL: (Burst out laughing) (NegaCave) FRANK: (Comes on screen) Hey guys! Take your time in getting me back to the Doc! I'm having the time of my life! ZOISITE: (Grabs Frank by the neck, stopping his rampage.) I'll take that as a no, then. SUCK ON THIS, DICKWEEDS! (Slaps button) (SOS) (Ah, those loving klaxons. The sweet, sweet sirens. What a lovely sound they are making right now! *cough*) HOTARU: Aw, no stuff to help! Oh well. TUXEDO AND JACK: We've got FINAL LEMON SIIIIGN!!! @@@@@ NO! NOT THE SOS THEATER! ANYTHING BUT THE THEATER! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Door Sequence - Final, I swear) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: The Widowmaker (Pearl Forrester's bus). Crow hides behind Alex and you pass carefully by. Door 4: Asuka Langley with a mallet. She batters poor Shinji into a wall... and then the wall collapses due to Lord Iron Balls' stamina. (A little tribute to Strike Fiss there. "Shinji the Casanova" is a _good_ fic.) Door 3: The Crrescent Moon Wand. Hotaru stores it in Hammerspace for Rini. Door 2: Silver Knight's bow and arrow. She takes it up, practices on a nearby target, hits the bulls-eye, and the door opens. Applause all around. Door 1: A snack counter! You purchase Popcorn, various candy bars, and some RAM chips for Crow as you enter the theater. (SoS Theater. Final Seating Order: Crow, Amy, Tuxedo Alex, Sailor Silver Knight, Jack, and Hotaru.) JACK: Well, this is it, people. The homestretch of the lemon. HOTARU: Let's do this! TUXEDO: Yeah, let's get this out of the way. S. KNIGHT: I'm with you, Alex. CROW: Can I please make some hentai riffs? ALL OTHERS: _NO_. CROW: (Grins) Never listened to you guys anyway. Hehehehe... >He was way bigger than Mamoru. If she went any further, would it hurt? AMY: If we go further into this fic, it WILL hurt! VERY much! >She had only had Mamoru, and Mamoru was no Lion-o. She decided. JACK: To grant Lion-O power of attorney and have him sue the law firm of Cage, Fish for wrongful termination. >Usagi bent towards his crotch and pulled his trunks down. S. KNIGHT: Then Goku and Chi Chi leapt out and ran off. TUXEDO: With Vegeta and Gohan in hot pursuit. >His erect member sprang to attention. ALL: *BOING!* Ten-HUT! >She took hold of it. Her hand >barely got all the way around it. CROW (Lion-O): Whoops! That's Cheetara's dildo I was... um... borrowing. Sorry 'bout that! >She marveled at the difference of >textures. The soft, rubbery layer, covering a steel rod. JACK: Lion-O has a synthetic penis? >She began rubbing it. AMY: BZZT! (Usagi) Whoops, sorry... damn carpet gave me static electricity! >She looked up and saw that he was staring at the ceiling with a >glazed HOTARU: Donut? AMY: Yeah, I could really go for one right now. >look on his face. >His eyes shot open as he felt her warm mouth surround his cock. TUXEDO (Lion-O): Hey! Leave my rooster alone! He wakes us up every morning! AMY: Not that type of cock, Tuxy. TUXEDO: Yes, I KNOW that! And don't call me Tuxy! >She slid >up and down on it, S.KNIGHT: And smashed into a barbell. The end. >moistening it. She would take it all the way into her >mouth, then painfully slow, TUXEDO: Later that night, Lion-O needed three Vicoden and a shot of morphine to relieve the pain. >she would pull up until only the head was in the mouth. CROW (Al Snow): What does everybody... AMY: I call no obvious Al Snow references! CROW: Hey! >She would suck >hard and flick at the tip with her tongue. Then she would slowly move HOTARU (Police Man): ... Away from the cock! Slowly move away from the cock and put your hands up! >back down. It only took seven of these before he twitched and jerked and JACK: Had a grand mal seizure. >creamed in her mouth. CROW: (Demented British guy) Cream or sugar? >This made her suck even harder, milking it for all it was worth. HOTARU: (Usagi) Come on, Lion-O, we need three gallons from you today! JACK: (Singing) She is the one named Sailor Mooooooooo! OTHERS: JACK! >He groaned at this as she swallowed every last drop. S. KNIGHT: Lion-O and Maxwell House have something in common to Usagi, then. >She then sat back against the weight machine and began rubbing her AMY: ... temples, getting a headache from what she just did. >crotch through her bunny pajamas. He was already getting hard again, >watching this. It was his turn to bend toward her. TUXEDO: (Lion-O) Here you go... *CRACK* Oh, man, there goes my spine! >He took hold of the elastic waistband and pulled until her bottoms >were at her thighs. She lifted her legs in the air, JACK: And waved them like he just didn't care. >gracefully holding >them together as he pulled the pants off the rest of the way and tossed >them to the side. He bent back down and ran a tongue on the outside of >her already moist panties. She moaned as he located her clit HOTARU (Lion-O): Ah! There it is! It's between your legs, isn't it? >and sucked >it through the silk. S.KNIGHT: Silk? Damn, she's too young! I didn't think that Sylia and Mackie let anyone under 21 enter the SilkyDoll! >He then used his tongue to slide the panties to the side CROW: I thought his tongue was running? AMY: Smile and nod... TUXEDO: That's my line! >and he began sucking on her labia. CROW: And Hannibal Lector hissed in anticipation, for he'd be the next to "eat" Usagi. JACK: TUXEDO FLAME BRAND! (Rings of fire surround Crow) Now stop. >This caused her to moan intensely. >Lion-o sat up and slid toward her so that her legs were spread JACK: (Singing) I wanna fly like a spread eagle... to the sea... HOTARU: HEY! *WATAK* >and draped over his. They embraced and kissed some more. He then >planted tiny kisses down her neck and bit the buttons off he PJ top. AMY: (Usagi) You're sewing those back on, dammit! >He pulled it off her and took one breast in his large hand. TUXEDO: And he ran away with it, giggling all the way. S.KNIGHT (Usagi): Gimme back my breast! TUXEDO (Lion-O): So what? You got another one! CROW: Thus we find out what goes on behind closed doors between these two. (Crow gets menacing looks from the both of them.) CROW: Uh... hi? TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE! S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR FLOOD! (Crow gets smashed by the two attacks and his seat is destroyed.) CROW: Damn! Now where do I sit? TUXEDO: You're standing for the rest of the fic! S.KNIGHT: Sorry for the damage to the place. HOTARU: Don't worry about it. Auto-clean-up will take care of that. >He rolled >her nipple between his thumb and forefinger as he sucked on the other >one. She continued to moan with pleasure. Mamoru S.KNIGHT: Busts into the place and starts kicking Lion-O's ass! AMY & HOTARU: We wish! ALL MEN: (Groan) >never spent this much >time on her needs. He just stuck it in and, when he was done, pulled it >out whether she was finished or not. JACK: Stuck in what? WHAT! Inquiring minds want to know! CROW: (Hands a copy of National Enquirer to Jack.) Here ya go! JACK: Thanks. (Reads the front page.) Oh... OH! That's just wrong! >She still loved him with all her >heart, but she knew many nights that were finished with the shampoo >bottle in the bathroom. ALL: *Facefault* S. KNIGHT: That's... really... sick... JACK: (Continues reading) Yeah it says so right here... and next... GAH! Even I have my limits! >Lion-o looked deep into her eyes. She looked back. AMY: Intense... looking... action! >He had the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. >"Are you ready?" TUXEDO (Lion-O): For some football? CROW (Lion-O): For some "My Balls"? OTHERS: CROW! >he asked. She nodded and bit her lower lip as he >eased his way into her. When he was all the way in, he sat still and >kissed her some more. She reached over and picked up a jump rope at the >side. CROW: What, are they gonna do double Dutch while screwing? HOTARU: Man, if I were that nimble. >She held a length of this between her hands and raised her arms >above her head; S.KNIGHT: And waved them like she just didn't care. >each one in front of a bar on the machine. She >gave him a come-hither smile and he used the rope to tie her >wrists to the bars. CROW: This is sick beyond me! TUXEDO: I never knew that you had limits, Crow. CROW: This is as bad as "Rini's Change of Fortune"... but at least it's not Rini who's in the lemon. AMY: At least Rini's not on the Satellite right now. >When this was done, she leaned forward and probed his mouth with a >long and passionate kiss. She then began writhing her hips against him. >This caused them both to gasp. AMY: And the gasping lessons at DiC are paying off! JACK: Did we use that one yet? AMY: I think we're running low on material... >He began pumping with her and they TUXEDO: Filled their van's tank with forty gallons of unleaded gasoline. >embraced. He felt another climax beginning. She felt the twitching and >gasped, "No... not yet... " She scrunched her eyes shut as she felt >her own orgasm building. HOTARU: (Computer) Orgasm download 60 percent complete... 75 percent... >Soon Lion-o could not hold it anymore. JACK: (Lion-O) Oh, man, I peed in my pants! >They both climaxed at the same time. Usagi swears she saw fireworks. S.KNIGHT: And that UFO in the corner didn't bother her in the least. >Usagi collapsed into Lion-o's arms as he untied her. She whispered. >"I...I think I love you." CROW (Norbert): (Singing) And she said... yes she said "I think I like you!" >Lion-o nodded in agreement and lifted her face to his for another >passionate kiss. HOTARU: I think that's the last of the lemon scenes. S. KNIGHT: ... We beat a Hachi Machi lemon... TUXEDO: Thank Serenity it wasn't Poke-a-mon. JACK: This calls for revenge! >************** >A week later. AMY: The Thundercats were indicted for indecency with minors. They were sentenced to fifty years in prison. >The Thundercats and the Senshi were waiting for Hachi when he walked >out of the S. KNIGHT: Bathroom. JACK: (Hachi) If you're going in there, don't start smoking! >woods. S.KNIGHT: I was right! HOTARU: Huh? S.KNIGHT: Well? The woods could be a monkey's bathroom! TUXEDO: Michelle, dear, when we get back home, we're injecting some culture in ya. S.KNIGHT: (Sly grin) Same could be said for you, buddy! >He had called them on a communicator to tell him he was on his >way back. He appeared with Monkian and a beautiful ape girl with the >same colorings as Monkian. She had on a plain brown dress. ALL: ... AMY: Not another lemon scene... and it's SI, no less... JACK: Sit back. Maybe it won't be one. >Lion-o placed his hand on the Sword of Omens CROW: GAH! It IS a lemon scene! S.KNIGHT: The REAL Sword of Omens, baka! >when he saw Monkian. >"Hoo hoo, hold on, Lion-o." Monkian said. "I come on friendly terms." TUXEDO: (Monkian) How about 1.9 percent APR and a 48-month lease on that Lexus you wanted? >Lion-o took his hand off his sword but still stood prepared. AMY: Oh, yeah, I can really see Lion-O in a Boy Scout's uniform. (Snicker) >"Well," Hachi said. "The errand I had to run was, well... to pick up my >bride." Everyone gasped as they looked at the ape girl. HOTARU: Oh, dear God... JACK: This is _so_ wrong... AMY: Wait a minute... isn't that the anthromorphic Chim Chim? TUXEDO: Wha... AMY: When Seth Triggs MSTed Poke-a-Mon. Spritle and Chim Chim guested. MAGIC VOICE: FOURTH WALL ALERT! (The sirens go off again.) AMY: D'OH! JACK: We're sorry! Honest! (The sirens stop.) >"My name is Chimpira," she said. "Hachi and I met a few months ago >when he was here. S. KNIGHT: (Chimpira) On a mad crap-throwing rampage. >It was love at first sight." Hachi climbed up into her arms and they >hugged. CROW: The powers of SI continue to build into an unstoppable force! This fanfic is no exception. >"I love my widdle Hachi Wachi," she said. Everyone grimaced at >the name. TUXEDO: I'm gonna agree here. (All grimace) >"She is Monkian's twin sister." Hachi said. "I had to go and receive >his blessing before I could marry her." They hugged again. "And, I was >wondering. Could we have the wedding here?" JACK: (Lion-O) Sure... but you're paying for damages _and_ catering! >Lion-o nodded with a smile. "Of course you can, friend." >Jaga's form appeared. He smiled down on everyone. HOTARU (Jaga): I was watching you from above. Thanks for giving me a good show! >"I will personally >perform the ceremony for this blessed event." Everyone looked up at >Jaga; S.KNIGHT (Rei): Dude, he's flyin' in the air! Gotta lay off the 'cid, man! >the Thundercats with respect and the Senshi with awe. "A Mutant >marrying an ally of the Thundercats could be the beginning of an age >of peace." ALL: (Singing) This is the dawning of the aaaage of Aquarius... >The Man with the Black Mustache's form appeared next to Jaga. "Eh, >old man. How-a you beena doin'." He smacked Jaga on the back. JACK: (Exact Mario) Eet's-a me, Mario! (Imitates the dinging sound from Mario 64) >Jaga looked at him the way old acquaintances would. "I should have known >you would show up. Oh well." >"Hey." the Man said. "Do you still live on that cloud over the girls dorm?" CROW: (Jaga) Of course! And I sell the live feeds over the Internet! JACK: (dryly) No doubt to horny little robots on the Satellite of Love. CROW: I wish. >"You bet," said Jaga. "On a sunny day, you can see into the showers." >The Man looked up. "It'sa sunny now. Lets go!" Jaga and the Man >disappeared. S. KNIGHT: (Looks up) Nope. It's still a dark and dismal space-filled day. >"Lets all go inside and celebrate, snarf snarf." Snarf said. "There >are drinks inside." HOTARU: Poisoned, of course, or perhaps that lemonade that Hachi made at the beginning of the fic. >Everyone agreed. The Senshi gave Hachi a kiss. "What was that for?" >he asked. AMY: (Minako) For acting as a pimp for us! >"For having such nice friends." Minako said. Hachi just looked at her >confused, shrugged and jumped into Chimpira's arms. TUXEDO: This so screams "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles". >As they all walked in, no one noticed Usagi and Lion-o bringing up the >rear... holding hands. CROW: And butts! >Le Fin ALL: (Cheer wildly) JACK: We beat the fic! WE BEAT THE FIC!!! (Headbutts with Tuxedo Alex) Ow! TUXEDO: (Rubs his head) Maybe we better not do that again. >Authors notes. ALL: SH(BLEEP)T MAGIC VOICE (Kevin Meanie): Stop that cussing! That's not right! >1. Well, thanks for sitting through it. HOTARU: (Bouncing up and down in her seat) And I really have to pee! >What did you think? ALL: (Snicker) CROW: He wants us to know what we "think"! JACK: If I go to the John for a half-hour, and then bring those two in, they'll know what I think all right! >Blaine and I are feedback junkies. S. KNIGHT: Not to mention crack, cocaine, LSD, PCP, speed, pot, and various other illegal drugs. >If you have any comments, good or bad, send them to Blaine@vnet.net. JACK: Who wants to go mailbombing after this is over? OTHERS: ME! >2. Rankin and Bass own Thundercats. Sailor Moon is owned by a nice >Japanese lady, who's name escapes me at the moment, AMY: Her name's Takeuchi Naoko-sama! GET IT RIGHT!!! >and Toih (or however its spelled. Anyone who cares knows.) CROW: Then that leaves me out. TUXEDO: Among other things... CROW: Bite me! >3. Don't worry, those of you who are. Usagi and Mamoru are not breaking >up. S. KNIGHT: Damn! I want Darien! >That would screw up the time stream. Usagi is just in love with them both. >I'm sorry if we started to sound a little anti-Mamoru in the last lemon >scene. We do think he's pretty cool. S.KNIGHT: (Big beaming grin) AMY: Ah! My eyes! >Maybe we will delve more into the idea >of Usagi being in love with both of them in a future story. ALL: (Scream in horror) >It depends on the response we get for this. Just send them in the >above-mentioned address. HOTARU: And use a self-addressed stamped envelope, or we won't be able to get it back to you in time for it to work! >4. We tried to make this a rare good lemon. CROW: Emphasis on TRIED. >By this, I mean that though >they were pretty OOC (lets face it, how easy is it to write a Senshi >lemon that's OOC. Not very.), TUXEDO: Hell, I could do that! Right now as a matter of fact! S.KNIGHT: (Places hand on Alex' mouth.) Save it, dear. >we did try to write it well and with very >few anatomical errors. ALL: (Facefault) >We did this by reading "Sailor Moon Fantasy" and doing the exact opposite >of Crystal Knight. :P JACK: And she did what? TUXEDO: Don't tell me you've never riffed Crystal Knight before. JACK: Erm... S. KNIGHT: Neither have we, Alex. TUXEDO: Oh, yeah... I forgot. >Blaine: Yeah, and I went out to do some 'research'. He he he. HOTARU: One handed research to be exact. >Hachi: No you didn't. You just rented 'Debbie does Tokyo'. CROW: Hey, that counts! >Blaine: Well, maybe I did. So?! >Hachi: So, get thee behind me, you sexless Hentai. AMY AND HOTARU: HEY! HOTARU: That's "irokegane hentai", you monkey freak! >Go back to your 'La Blue Girl' tape. >Blaine: Hey, I only have that for the storyline. S. KNIGHT: What storyline? CROW: La Blue Girl... (Drools motor oil) JACK: Disgusting! >Hachi: WHAT STORYLINE?!? S.KNIGHT: HEY! NO FAIR! THEY TOOK MINE! >Blaine: ... I'm not talking to you anymore... JACK: Maybe if we're quiet, they'll go away. >Hachi: Oy. ALL: (Jerry Seinfeld) Oy! >5. Also, I would like to thank CROW: (Blaine) My mother. >the makers of WWF: the Music Volume 3, which we listened to while typing. >Try listening to Sable's theme during the Lion-o and Usagi scene. TUXEDO: So it was Hachi Machi that crapped into Rena Mero's gym bag? OTHERS: ... TUXEDO: Relax. Only the wrestling elite will get that one. Falcon does. >We did >while we were writing it and it just flowed perfectly with it. JACK: Anyone have that CD? TUXEDO: We do... back on the SOL. >6. And last but not least, a shout out to Seth Triggs. ALL: OUT TO SETH TRIGGS! >Did you com CROW: I highly doubt that Triggs has had any sexual relations on the computer... TUXEDO: Great... just great. WATCH the flames against us build! Just WATCH! >up with the idea of snarfs having a hole? I know that your >stories were the first ones I ever saw to have that. HOTARU: O_o AMY: Seth Triggs... the guy who MSTed "Chibi-Usa's Seventh Birthday"... inspired these two? S. KNIGHT: Remind me to have a serious talk with him when we get off the SOL. >Miracle Oysters, Happy Clams JACK: Are just some hallucinogenics we took while we were writing this. TUXEDO: And a fine day to you, sir! >3/ 5/ 99 S. KNIGHT: The day that we were damned to this fate. >~Back to Weird Thundercat Stories JACK: I've seen some _weird_ Thundercats stories before, but this takes the cake. > CROW: Is that it? AMY: We've beaten the lemon... ALL: (Cheer wildly) TUXEDO: Now we've just got to get home. S. KNIGHT: And that's gonna be a doozy. JACK: For the moment, I suggest we all get out of here. HOTARU: I'm with you. (Exit all) (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) @@@@@ BACK ON THE SOS... ER... SOL!!! BRIDGE... (Setsuna, Falcon Knight, and Rini are standing on the bridge. Falcon and Setsuna are tightening bolts and tweaking settings on a second machine, not the Fic Bouncer, but one that's designed to do something else... Anyway, Ranma and Kodachi managed to find this interesting and are just watching. Tom's sitting there watching and directing the action.) TOM: Come on, be careful! That's the only one we've got! SETSUNA: Shut UP, Tom! I know what to do! FALCON: Yeah! We studied Joel's schematics for hours trying to get this thing right, and dimensional travel ain't easy! RINI: Besides, what's the worst that could happen? (The machine emits a puff of smoke and soot right into her face.) Pfft. Forget I asked. GYPSY: Who's gonna go and get them? FALCON: It'll be Setsuna, Rini, Ranma, Kodachi, and me. We're gonna go, get Silver, Crow, and Alex, and then get back here. (To Setsuna) Can you get us some stuff to keep us busy while we're here? SETSUNA: Sure. I'll make sure to give you the specs for holotechnology. FALCON: Any MP3s? RINI: Whatever you want! TOM: Hentai? SETSUNA: Not a chance. TOM: Damn. Anyway, Gypsy and I'll activate this thing and see if we can't help out from here. (Red light flashes) Aw, crap! Gendo and Fuyutsuki are calling! (Falcon walks and hits the button. The hexfield opens to a new part of Deep 13 1/3 that we've never seen before... the internal Intensive Care ward. We see Forrester bed-ridden, complete with bandages, arm and leg casts, and an IV unit. Malachite is also there, maintaining an every watchful eye, just in cast the Doc tries something. [By the way, for those who wonder why this segment isn't split into sections like the SOS were... this is the SOL! This is the SOL's style! So there!]) DR. F.: Hello, guys... *cough cough* what the hell? Senshi? MALACHITE: Great. He got beaned in the head worse than we thought. DR. F.: Don't ask. You don't want to know. SETSUNA: Malachite's there? Damn, but that dimensional transport screwed us over. MALACHITE: A dimensional transport? DR. F.: That explains why Beryl and I had to contact that Washu person at her labratory. Beryl is such a stunning woman! Much like Marilyn Manson. FALCON: Um... Marilyn Manson's a transsexual. DR. F.: And? (The others just look at him strangely, Malachite included.) MALACHITE: I have half a mind to blast you again for putting that image in my head! DR. F.: Oh poopy... RINI: (Ahem) Uh, on to other things, shall we? OTHERS: Yeah. GYPSY: Who's this Washu person? DR. F.: A very nice lady who runs an even more screwed-up lab than I do. She's the one who caused all of this, and she's offered to fix it. MALACHITE: Yes, her Improbability Field Generator affects all known dimensions, and since the Satellites of Love and Senshi were in the exact same dimensional coordinates, both universes swapped people. FALCON: So she's gonna fix it. What's gonna happen then? MALACHITE: Well, the Senshi are going to have to watch the lemon Beryl had for them again... DR. F.: And Tuxy boy, that ignorant tin can, and Sailor Silver Squire are going to have to read that Oscarfic after all. MALACHITE: Might I have a copy of the Oscarfic to take back to Beryl? FORRESTER: Of course! If you succeed in making the Senshi crazy, let me know... I have a hunch it'll work on these people too. @@@@@ NOW BACK TO THE SOS BRIDGE... TUXEDO: Well, we beat the fic, but how are we gonna get home? JACK: Well, they said that they were working on something, and we still have that Plot Contrivance Gun... HOTARU: Jack, it was destroyed after the third shot. S. KNIGHT: Don't you have replicators? AMY: Yes... S. KNIGHT: Then just replicate another one! AMY: Why didn't I think of that? (All fall over in the traditional anime style. Amy walks to the bridge's replicator and replicates another gun. She then hands it to Jack) JACK: Here goes nothing... (Fires the gun. Tenchi falls onto the bridge.) TENCHI: Huh? What the... WASHU! STOP PLAYING WITH THE INTERDIMENSIONAL TRANSPORTER! JACK: Oops! My bad! Let me try again... (Jack fires it again, and Ayla from "Crono Trigger" appears.) AYLA: Geez, what era did I end up in now? The "Cheesy Sci-Fi Channel" Era? JACK: Yipe! Hold on! I got it! (A third shot of the gun sends them back and dumps three thousand gallons of pineapple sherbet on the bridge behind our heroes.) HOTARU: Yum! Pineapple sherbet! (Begins to eat the stuff) OTHERS: ... TUXEDO: Give me that! (Swipes the gun from Jack.) JACK: Aw... S. KNIGHT (To Amy): I wonder if Hotaru knows that pineapple's a laxative? AMY (To S. Knight): She'll find out soon enough. TUXEDO: Let me try the gun. (He fires the gun four times. The first shot summons the heroes from Final Fantasy VII, the second drops six bowls of lobster bisque onto the riffer's laps. The FFVII heroes munch on the lobster bisque happily before the others can get any. The third cleans the bridge of all plot-contrivance induced effects. In short, it's back to the way it was before the fic. The fourth shot opens a portal... and Washu steps out!) WASHU: Well, I made it! And just in time, too! I mean, we GOT to get rid of these funny looking tuxedos! Darn plot contrivances... TUXEDO & JACK: HEY! JACK: These are standard issue! TUXEDO: Yeah! These are our hero costumes! WASHU: Oh... I see... (Stifles her giggling.) HOTARU: Aww, no more sherbet! WASHU: I see we've been messing with plot contrivances. What did your mothers tell you about that? ALL BUT WASHU: (Eyes downcast) That we shouldn't. WASHU: And why not? ALL BUT WASHU: (Eyes still downcast) Because it's dangerous and anything could happen. WASHU: Good! Now, who wants to go home? TUXEDO: You're gonna get us out of here? WASHU: Yeah. After all, I'm the one who got you into this mess, what with my Improbability Field generator and all. Besides, you saved me from Tenchi chewing me out again! AMY: Eh, don't mention it. S. KNIGHT: It was you who put that field around our Satellite! WASHU: (Somewhat abashed) Yeah, I was trying to turn Ayeka into a cucumber, but like I said, anything's possible around my lab, and with a plot contrivance, even more so. CROW: Thanks, lady! You got us out of a jam! WASHU: Oh? How so? TUXEDO: The guy who ran our Satellite killed everything but life support and the theater. When we went through the Improbability Field, the SOL was restored! WASHU: Damn, but I love my plot contrivances. JACK: Then can you explain how these three got here from their satellite? WASHU: (Takes the Plot Contrivance Gun) Well, with the fields around both Satellites, this little beauty must have done something to induce a portal. Anyone missing from here? AMY: Yeah, Sailors Pluto, Neo-Moon, Ranma Saotome, and Kodachi Kuno. HOTARU: (From Floor) Don't forget Malachite! WASHU: Cosmic equilibrium... it fits, all right. When the four from their universe came here, an equal amount of intelligence energy was shifted from yours to theirs, hence the disappearance! (Reprograms the gun and fires it once) Here. In ten seconds, a portal will send me back, and then you can fire the gun. It'll create a portal from this universe to the other one, and you can restore the normality of things. CROW: Or at least as normal as anything is around here. JACK: Too true. WASHU: Well, I'm off! (Steps through a newly created portal) @@@@@ TEN SECONDS LATER... (HA! I CRACK ME UP. *TUXEDO FLARE!**KA-BLAM!!!* SORRY, JACK... ) TUXEDO: Ready to go, people? (Fires the gun. A blue portal appears a la Stargate SG-1) S. KNIGHT: I'm outta here! (Jumps through the portal) CROW: Wait for me! (Follows suit) TUXEDO: This was fun, man, but I ain't gonna do it again anytime soon. JACK: Likewise, man. Here! (Hotaru passes Alex a basket of goodies.) Just a little something to take with you. Enjoy! TUXEDO: Good luck here, man! (Leaps through. The portal then spits out Ranma, Kodachi, Rini, and Setsuna.) JACK: Wait! You forgot... (The portal closes before he could finish.) JACK: The home-baked cookies... oh well. Least he has the starship engine. AMY: What'd he leave? JACK: This. (Holds out a small yellow rose.) I think it's a sign of hope. If these guys can leave the Satellite one day... so can we. HOTARU: (Gets up) Either that, or it's a communicator. (Points to the word "Communicator" on the side.) JACK: Ah. Well, it's useful none-the-less... @@@@@ TO THE NEGACAVE... BERYL: Well, that's that. They beat the fic, and I've got Malachite back... ZOISITE: This means you're not going to kill me for failing you, my queen? BERYL: I didn't say that! (Dusts Zoisite with her MegaNegaBlast(TM)) MALACHITE: Um... you _do_ realize that if they beat this, they can probably take anything. BERYL: Not that little pink-haired brat. Let's focus on her. MALACHITE: Very well, my lady. BERYL: And, dammit, Endymion's gone! @@@@@ BACK TO THE SOL... (A LITTLE BEFORE THE PORTAL OPENS) SETSUNA: There. Finished. Here's our portal machine! OTHERS: Hooray! (Before Setsuna can activate it, however the Stargate SG-1 portal opens up.) SETSUNA: Hey, I didn't even turn it on yet! RANMA: Looks like our ride's here anyway, guys. KODACHI: Well, I'm not gonna waste this opportunity! (Ranma and Kodachi jump through the portal together.) TOM: Sheesh, talk about your crappy good-byes... SETSUNA: That's those two for you. Anyway, I know I've had a nice time here. You guys take care. GYPSY: You too, SETSUNA. Thanks for everything! SETSUNA: No problem. (Looks around.) Where's Rini? (Falcon Knight and Rini are in the back corner of the Bridge, saying their good-byes.) FALCON: Will I ever see you again? RINI: I'm not sure. Unless these plot contrivances happen again, it's highly unlikely. FALCON: ... I understand. RINI: You take care of yourself here. Don't you go mad. For me. FALCON: Neither do you. When I see you next, you better be in one piece! RINI: (Smiles) Right. (She gives Falcon a quick peck on the cheek before joining Setsuna at the portal.) SETSUNA: Good-bye, guys! (She steps through the portal.) RINI: We'll miss you! (She steps through the portal as well.) FALCON, TOM, GYPSY: Bye! TOM: (Notices a tear in the eyes of Falcon) Break-ups are hard, huh Bird-Brain? FALCON: Shut up! (Wipes tear away.) I just got something in my eye, that's all! GYPSY: Where are they, where are they? FALCON: Don't worry! Washu told us that this'd work! TOM: ... uh, HOW exactly? We've never even MET Washu! FALCON: Well... I kinda browsed the last couple of sections in this thing, and... GYPSY & TOM: (Both headbutt Falcon in the gut.) NO FOURTH WALL BREACHING! (Tuxedo Alex, Sailor Silver Knight, and Crow step out of the portal as it closes.) TOM: CROW!!! CROW: TOM!!! TOM: Where's my Palm Pilot game? CROW: You'll get it later, I swear! FALCON: Welcome back, guys! TUXEDO: What'd we miss? GYPSY: Not much. Forrester got the crap beaten out of him, and we have a new Dimensional Transporter courtesy of Sailor Pluto. S.KNIGHT: Let's not talk about dimensional transport right now. I'm just glad that the Hachi fic is OVER and DONE WITH! TOM: What's in the basket? TUXEDO: Just some interesting things... Hologram technology, a universal map, some hacking utilities... holy crap! A starship engine! We might be able to get home! CROW: Ah, a Plot Contrivance basket. You can buy those real cheap from the EGFAD company catalogue! OTHERS: Crow... CROW: What? @@@@@ DEEP 13 1/3 DR. F.: Frank! You're back! (Raises an arm to great him, but it immediately snaps.) GAH! Damn casts... FRANK: Steve! What happened to you? DR. F.: Malachite happened to me. Thanks to a plot contrivance, I'm bed ridden for the next few weeks. FRANK: Ouch... kinda like when you tested out the Thermonuclear Hamster out on me, huh? DR. F.: Yeah. FRANK: (Quietly) Did we get any "calls" while I was out? DR. F.: (Quietly) No. "He" didn't call. I think we're safe... for now... FRANK: Great... Oh no! The feed's still running! DR. F.: Aw sh(BLEEP)t! Quick push the button! Before he watches! FRANK: I'm pushing! I'm pushing! (Frank pushes the button, and the screen fades out.) @@@@@ BACK TO THE NEGACAVE... BERYL: That's it! That fic'll do it! MALACHITE: (Reading from monitor) "The Devil and Miss Mihoshi"? BERYL: Just push the button! MALACHITE: *Resigned sigh* Yes, my queen. (Malachite pushes the button and the screen fades out.) @@@@@ SOMEWHERE ELSE... (The screen remains black for about ten seconds. After that, the screen fades back IN to Washu in the shower.) WASHU: (Singing) Cha La... Head Cha La... (Notices camera on her) DAMN! Not another contrivance!!! (She presses a convenient button on the shower wall, and we get the traditional... ) (FWOOSH) \ | / \ | / \|/ ---0--- /|\ / | \ / | \ @@@@@ CO-AUTHOR'S NOTES ALEX: Dear sweet mother of all things that are Holy in this universe... this has to be my LONGEST MSTing to date, and one that has completely burned me out! And that's just for a CO-MSTing! By the way, finish counting the scene transitions? Tuxedo Jack awaits your answers for your $50 prize! Here's a hint: just count the number of @@@@@ you see in the MST. Here's another hint: the answer is two digits long, starts with a 2, and ends in a 9. Good luck! ;) I apologize that my MSTings have been spaced so far apart as of late. I wasn't sure how to progress since Episode 20 took so long to do. However, I've reached a great point in the story of my riffers, and have the next few host segments planned out. Anyway, I'll be starting MST 3333 1/3: Season 3 soon. Before that, though, be on the lookout for a special MST 3333 1/3: OAV Insert! It will focus on a certain "changing of the guards" as far as our lovable Mads are concerned, and really won't feature any story to be riffed. Just so you know, if you don't read the OAV Insert, you really won't get what's happening in Season 3. So, check it out when it appears! ;) As for Season 3 fics, I have a few lined up. Most of them are pretty short, however, so in some cases, I'll cram two or three related fics into one episode. It's gonna rock. Trust me. Oh, and by the way, you think you know everything there is about Tuxedo Alex, Sailor Silver Knight, Falcon Knight, Tom, Crow, and the Satellite of Love? Forget it. Sweep it under the rug. EVERYTHING changes in Season 3. Stay tuned... Tuxedo Alex's Stinger: >Officer Mako opened the door to Cheetara's room. >She and Wilykat sat on the bed startled. >"This is the Dildo Police." JACK: I am so glad to be done with that. We've been working on it since Columbus Day 2000, and I constantly never found time to riff. I've since published six or seven episodes, and they've been somewhat crappy, as I've had my mind on this. Then on January 15th, I had a creativity burst - namely, my parents weren't home, and I had Comedy Central on - and I found the perfect riff, and I started writing again! That, and I had twelve remixes of Cruel Angel's Thesis downloading at once... you can guess what that does to my T3 connection. Right! It does _JACK_! I'm taking a few weeks off to work on some other series - Poke-captor Sakura - so wish me luck, and review this piece of s(BLEEP)it! Oh, yes... about the fifty bucks for scene transitions... Unfortunately, you're not getting money. You're getting Alex's credit card numbers and expiration dates. :P Ja ne! Tuxedo Jack and the crew of the Satellite of Senshi TuxedoJack@juno.com http://www.angelfire.com/gundam/SatelliteSenshi Tuxedo Jack's Stinger: ">He then used his tongue to slide the panties to the side and he >began sucking on her labia. CROW: And Hannibal Lector hissed in anticipation, for he'd be the next to "eat" Usagi. JACK: TUXEDO FLAME BRAND! *Rings of fire surround Crow* Now stop." THE END (DAMN THAT WAS LONG, NOW WASN'T IT?)