"Can I be a boozehound?" - Bart Simpson MYSTERY SAILOR MOON THEATER 3000 EPISODE 108 A FLYING FUSHIGIDANE: "Who the %^#* am I or Identity Crisis" USE THE DISCLAIMER, JACK: The Sailor Moon characters used herein belong to Takeuchi-sama. Any and all Ranma characters used herein belong to Takahashi-san. Shinseiki Evangelion characters belong to Hayashibara Megumi. Tuxedo Jack belongs to me; I created him. MST3K belongs to Best Brains. Duh. You're wasting your time reading this. I'm making no money from this, though I wish I were; please don't sue me; the fic is mine. Apparently, Tuxedo Alex says that I took the TTPOTS idea from him, and I apologize for that. I merely piggybacked off it and improved it. Again, sorry Alex. I mean no offense. Oh, for some kind of sedative... ********************************************************** In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere deep in hell, I think, Queen Beryl and the generals are Hatching plans that really stink! They caught a bishounen named Tuxedo Jack Just an average guy who always wears black Their evil plans needed a good test case So they whacked him in the head And then they shot him into space! (JACK: D-OHH!!!!!!!!) (Zoisite) We'll send him lots of fanfics, The worst there can possibly be, (la la la) (Malachite) He'll have to sit and read them all, And keep his GPA above three. (la la la) (Beryl) Now, poor Tuxy Boy, he can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) He'll lose his relative sanity With the Senshi I caught with him! SENSHI ROLL CALL! Setsuna! (Shut UP, Jack!) Hotaru! (Shagedelic, baby!) Teenage Rini! (I'm the sugar baby, the real sugar baby...) Amy! (Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other science facts, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "Ask Amy later, Now I need to shut up and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! *Twang* ********************************************************** (Scene: Satellite of Senshi kitchen. Kodachi and Jack are cooking some kind of breakfast.) JACK: Think they'll like it? KODACHI: They'd better. I'm not spending time in here without getting some kind of reward from Ranma-sama. ^_^ JACK: *Groan* Why am I not surprised? Whoa... the red light's on... think the muffins are done? KODACHI: Yep! *Whisks a tray of fresh blueberry muffins from the three-level oven and grins* I rigged them perfectly! JACK: No poisons, powders, or anything else? O_o That's a change. KODACHI: Baka. *Slaps Jack upside the head, upsetting a chef's hat he seems to be wearing.* Hey, look! That wasn't the oven light that was blinking! It was the Sailor Starlights' light! JACK: Leave it. We'll get it after breakfast. Would you please pass me that container of salt? I need to season that omelette. *Kodachi tosses the salt to him... but he misses, and the entire container spills into the formerly exquisite three cheese omelette.* Oh, bugger... that isn't going to taste too good. KODACHI: We don't have time to fix it! They're going to be up in a few minutes! JACK: But we've got to! KODACHI: No... here! *Rips out a container of some unknown powder from regions unknown and sprinkles it over the omelette.* That should do it. JACK: What is that stuff? KODACHI: Oh, nothing... *Notices Jack's worried glare* No, it won't hurt or alter them. Relax! Trust me. JACK: I don't have any choice - here they come! (Rini straggles in first, wearing pink bunny pajamas, and Setsuna follows, wearing her dark red bathrobe with the Pluto sigil in gold. A few minutes later, Hotaru walks in, her black silk pajamas setting off her eyes. Finally, Ranma comes in, dressed in his customary boy-type outfit.) JACK: Morning, everybody! Sleep well? *Assorted grumbles and murmurs* Good! Today's breakfast is... Kodachi, please do the honors... *Ranma's eyes go wide, and he tries to run...* KODACHI: Relax, Ranma-sama. I didn't put anything in it this time that the recipe didn't say to. RANMA: Whew... KODACHI: Anyway, we're having blueberry muffins, freshly grated orange juice, - courtesy of the hydroponics bay we found yesterday - hash browns, milk, and pancakes - chocolate pancakes! *Ranma's eyes go wide again* NO, THERE'S ONLY THE RECOMMENDED INGREDIENTS IN THEM!!! JACK: Here you go... *serves the food* Enjoy! (To Kodachi) So what was it that you put in their food? KODACHI: Oh, just a little super-aphrodisiac. It negates the taste of salt but makes them really horny for the next... *Checks watch* three hours or so. JACK: NANI?!?!? *Red light flashes* Maybe we _should_ answer the fic... *Slams down button* (NegaCave) BERYL: Bonjour, my petite rhinoceri! (SoS) JACK: Make this quick, Beryl, and just give us the fic... we've got a little problem here. KODACHI: Please make it a good one... (NegaCave) BERYL: Actually, our systems are on the blink right now, and we don't have a fic for you... ZOISITE: (O.S.) Hee hee hee... Malachite! Umm... BERYL: See what I mean? MALACHITE: (O.S., as Austin Powers if Austin were Obi-Wan Kenobi) Wanna play with my mighty lightsaber, baby? It's the biggest lightsaber in all the shagadelic universe... BERYL: See! (To Malachite and Zoisite) Get a motel room, you two! (To SoS) Anyway, they're the only ones who know how to work the damned console, and I need to send you a fic for this week... (SoS) JACK: Erm... we might be able to help you out... Kodachi? KODACHI: It's our invention for this week. *Hefts device* Based on Scott Adams's "DeFantalator", this "Reality Jolt" device injects a hefty dose of reality into the minds of the target. It's very useful for those dreamers you want to get rid of! (NegaCave) BERYL: Okay... *Starts randomly pressing buttons on the console in front of her* How the hell do I teleport it here... (SoS) JACK: Just send us the fic!!!!!! SETSUNA: (sultry) Oh, Jack... *Jack turns to see her half-naked. His nose immediately begins to bleed and she charges him.* Come here, you great big hunk of burning love! JACK: No, this is burning! TUXEDO FLAME BLAST! *Fire rings burst from his hands and pin Setsuna to the couch without hurting or singing her.* GIVE US THE FIC ALREADY!!!!! (NegaCave) BERYL: I think this'll do it... *Slaps right button* All right... (SoS) JACK AND KODACHI: Thank the kamis! HOTARU AND RANMA: We've got CRAPSPAM SIIIIIIIGN!!!!!! *Klaxons and lights, standard fanfare* (Door sequence) Door 6: Standard-issue Satellite dogbone door. Door 5: Winamp. It minimizes itself and you pass onwards. Door 4: A portal to the supercomputer. You pass the battling Bob and Megabyte and continue on. Door 3: A lightsaber. It shuts down and you run through before it turns on again. Door 2: The Dining Room. You suggest that it was Miss Scarlet with the Revolver, and before she can shoot you, you run onwards. Door 1: A Terran Dropship from "StarCraft". You load yourselves in and it drops you at the theater. (Theater. Seating order from left to right: Hotaru, Jack, Ranma, Kodachi.) JACK: What the hell was that?!? KODACHI: Apparently, storage increases its strength... hrmm... RANMA: Let me guess... you added some illegal ingredient? KODACHI: Well, we spilled a container of salt into the omelette... JACK: And she apparently poured in an aphrodisiac. They'll be coming after us for the next three hours. Hey, how come you two aren't affected? RANMA: I learned the hard way not to eat anything Kodachi fixes. KODACHI: Ranma-sama... -_-''' HOTARU: I just wasn't hungry. I'd eaten earlier. JACK: Oh. O_O''' >Name withheld for security reasons RANMA: Must be a security blanket, then. Maybe the author sucks his thumb? >P.E. - Beatty - 2A JACK: Hey... that sounds like my old P.E. teacher... no way. Not again... HOTARU: She stole another diary entry? JACK: No, this was a graded assignment... I think. >9/28/00 RANMA: (Alex Trebek) No, I'm sorry. The correct response was "When did Jack seal his fate by writing this crap?" >Who am I? ALL: (Singing) Whooooo are you... Who, who... who, who... >(Why would you want to know?) KODACHI: Yeah, why _would_ we want to know? > I am: JACK: Tuxedo Jack, master of the obvious! KODACHI: The Blue Thunder of Furinkan High! RANMA: Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? HOTARU: *Flourish* The Lord of the Dance! JACK: Oh, kamis, no!!! >Jack. What else needs to be said? JACK: Well, fic's over then. I'm out of here. *Rises to leave* BERYL'S VOICE: SIDDOWN!!! *Fries him back into his seat with a bolt of lightning* HOTARU: Running gag, running gag. JACK: I don't care... I'm getting out of here! *Pounding on the door is heard, along with muffled comments - and moans - from Rini, Setsuna, and Amy.* Then again... *sits down* HOTARU: Thought so. >*Sounds of punching* RANMA: *Glances uneasily towards the door* Are they going to break it open? JACK: They better not. I don't want to have to fix it. RANMA: All the same, we'd better wedge them. *Ranma and Jack go and weld the doors shut with Hammerspace blowtorches* >OK, OK! I'm sixteen, HOTARU: And I want to die! >I have brown hair, brown eyes, and I'm RANMA: Dying of cancer. JACK: One can only hope. KODACHI: Skydiving without a parachute. HOTARU: Eating Akane's cooking. >6'2". ALL: (Let down) Oh. >Anything else? KODACHI: (sweet) Coffee, tea... me? *THWAP!!!* OW!!! HOTARU: I keep the hentai in check here, missy. >More?!? GEEZ!!! KODACHI: (Major babe from "Spy Hard") I'm exhausted! You are insatiable... *WA-TAK!!!* HOTARU: _Stop now._ >I'm a master hacker, I design web sites, and I can speak ten programming >languages in addition >to the three spoken languages that I speak... HOTARU: Redundancy. No crapfic is complete without redundancy. JACK: A public service message brought to you by the Redundant Institute of Redundancy's Redundancy of Redundancy department. RANMA: I avoid redundancy by saying "Bite me!" 75 times. JACK: And I counter by saying "You wish!" 75 times. RANMA: And I... oh, damn. >and I MST fanfics on a regular basis. ALL: So do we. >My family: To sum them up in one word - RANMA: Dead. KODACHI: (Kevin from "Home Alone") Disappeared. HOTARU: Psychotic. JACK: Hotaru's the closest. >dysfunctional. JACK: See? RANMA: Bite me, pig. JACK: You wish. >More so than "Malcolm in the Middle". One sister, one brother, both clinically >insane by my >definition, HOTARU: Clinically insane... no, there's no riff there. Move along! >and parents, both (in my teenage viewpoint) extremely repressive. Dare I say >more? ALL: No!!! >Oh, yes... ALL: DAMN!!! >a German shepherd, KODACHI: And his flock of sheep. JACK: Bleat and I kill you. RANMA: I second that. >a black cat, and my little brother... all three pets combine to make this family >what it is today: >completely irreverent, mind-numbing, and a place where I seem like the only >non-sheep in the >world. HOTARU AND KODACHI: *Bleat mercilessly at Jack and Ranma* >My favorite class: JACK: Hacking. RANMA: Flight. HOTARU: Chemistry, or the science of blowing stuff up. KODACHI: Sex ed! *ZZZAPPP!!!* HOTARU: Shut up!!! >none. By that definition, I would have to have a favorite class, and therefore >my opinion would >be flawed on the basis of JACK: (Author) The fact that this is a load of crap. >bias. From a totally objective viewpoint, HOTARU: We wouldn't have to read these fics if Beryl was objective! RANMA: No, she's objective-oriented. HOTARU: *Groan* >the best class would be one in which I was allowed to write freely without >censorship or >deadlines. ALL: *Run around screaming in terror* >However, since that doesn't exist (no doubt due to an administrative >oversight...) ALL: *Sit down calmly* Thank the kamis! >I'll have to JACK: Kill myself. KODACHI: Sleep late and drink cappuchino all day. HOTARU: Read stupid fanfics forever. JACK: Even I don't deserve that. HOTARU: Beryl apparently thought so. RANMA: Strip naked, smear myself with motor oil, and run through town yelling "walla-walla-walla!" (Normal) What? >settle for a technology class, in which I can develop my already-incredible >skills to a >phenomenal level. JACK: (Exact Genie from "Aladdin") PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS.... itty-bitty living space. >My most troublesome type of class: KODACHI: *opens mouth* HOTARU: Shut up, Kodachi. KODACHI: *Shuts mouth* >none. See the above for reasoning. However, I'm going to have to state >(from an objective >viewpoint again) that the single most troublesome class for me is one in >which I have to take >notes or maintain a notebook of sorts. >My favorite type of music: RANMA: TLC! JACK: Um... _no_. HOTARU: Jazz? KODACHI: Soundtracks? JACK: Actually... >Anime. No contest. I'll spare you my thirty-minute dialogue against rap and >hip-hop, and >instead extol the virtues of anime music, Japanese pop music, 80's pop/rock, >and jazz. ALL: (Singing) Hallelujah! Hallelujah! >Fortunately, you can't speak or read Japanese, RANMA AND KODACHI: Yes we can! HOTARU: I'm considered a master of the language! JACK: Erm... I speak Japanese? >so you'll be spared this horror as well. Trust me, I can make a night in the >"Fear Factory" sound >like a normal day in class - or like a day in kindergarten. RANMA: (Whiny little kid) He took my lollipop and licked it! KODACHI: *Lewd giggles* RANMA: What? What did I say... oh my GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!!! >My favorite TV/Cable show: Hrm... such a range of choices. There's the >Anime Network on >channel 583... the 80's channel on 797... the ever-popular Cartoon >Network... perhaps the Super >Chunk of "Sailor Moon" that was shown on Cartoon Network about four >months ago... oh, >wait, that'd be considered a movie. All right... "Sailor Moon" on Cartoon >Network at four P.M. >Now that's good. JACK: (Austin Powers) Shagadelic, baby! RANMA: (Austin Powers) Shageriffic! *A ki bolt fries them both* HOTARU: _No._ >The best thing about my life: MSTing and writing. I can MST the steaming >piles that I write >and then post them to Internet sites and other people get a kick out of >them. At least I can do >something good for someone else in my pathetic, useless, boring existence. HOTARU: No, that's _our_ pathetic, useless, boring existence. >If I could change JACK AND RANMA: (Singing a la Eric Clapton) The world... I would be the sunlight in your universe... HOTARU AND KODACHI: *Clap* >one thing about this school: Add laptops. Why, dare you ask? So I can JACK: Go see Urd and Skuld during class. HOTARU: But you're _my_ boyfriend! *Sexy pout* JACK: *Gets a nosebleed* >write during my classes and not lose my train of thought when we switch. RANMA: Tracks at the station. KODACHI: (Engineer) Stoke the fires and ready the boilers! A curve's a comin'! HOTARU: That is _so_ wrong. >Optional classes are a possible switch... maybe total control over the >computer systems... oh, >wait... I already have that. JACK: Duh... >If I could be anyone/anything in the world: Look, don't get me started on >this metaphysical > stuff. I could go on for years and still not exhaust myself. ALL: *Scream* >I'll stick to being myself, thanks. But if I could actually be someone else, I'd >have to take the >place of Bill Gates. It's eerie, I know, but I swear that no one would notice. JACK: And I'd be off the Satellite, too! >If I could win the lottery, what would I do: RANMA: Get off the Satellite. JACK: Well, duh. >Forget it. The odds are infinitesimal. KODACHI: Among _other_ things... HOTARU: Kodachi, I'm warning you... >Still, there's always futile hope. RANMA: That we'll get off the Satellite? JACK: Maybe. MAGIC VOICE: Don't be too sure, boys. There's a hefty plot contrivance field surrounding the Satellite... >Okay, I'll indulge you. First off, I'll assume that it's the Powerball and not the >wimpy little >Texas Lotto. (Powerball jackpots start at $250 million.) I'd have to upgrade >my systems at >home... RANMA: (Picard) Make it so. JACK: Wanna hear me talk in technobabble? RANMA: _No._ >two computers per room. Basically, I'd have one Mac and one PC per room, >the Macs being >top-of-the-line (and then some) G4s and the PCs being top-of-the-line >(heavily modified and >enhanced) AMD Athlon 1.5 gigahertz devices. Flat panel monitors on my >personal PC - I'll >spare you the specs; they'd bore you to death. HOTARU: Hey, death's better than an eternity on the Satellite. >Perhaps a Flat TV; KODACHI: *Snickers* HOTARU: Hell. She's gone into mega-hentai mode... >yes, that'd be quite nice. Half to charity, of course; I'd have no use for a >quarter-billion dollars. >Drop enough for a million a year in a trust fund, only accessible by me >personally - and for >God's sake, pay for a decent car. I _hate_ the van I'm stuck with. Perhaps a >small Porsche... >Anyway, get a satellite RANMA: And put people on it to watch bad fanfics! JACK, HOTARU, AND KODACHI: *Start screaming and beating on Ranma. Twenty seconds later, Ranma is covered in bruises and speaks through a puffy lip.* RANMA: What did I say? >connection to the Internet to replace the one I have now. My T3 is getting >old, and I've seen >better. Purchase a house, and use it for myself and a future (trophy) wife... HOTARU: WHAT?!? *Battle aura glows* JACK: Erm... let me explain... >Also, stocks and bonds. I'm a voracious capitalist, and most of what I get >back on it would go >towards forming an independent political party that would actually give the >people what they >(not a bunch of ultraleftist windbags) want. Save the rest for college and my >kids' colleges... >also, make it so the IRS can't get to it when I'm dead. That's imperative. RANMA: Are we done yet? JACK: I think so... just a bit more... >Why I'm dragging this on when I could be writing something else: I have no >clue. JACK: So we can kill you. HOTARU: It's over. But how are we going to get out? You welded the doors shut! JACK: Remember the plot contrivance field? HOTARU: Yes... JACK: Maybe we can tap into it if we channel our energies together. Ranma, Kodachi, join hands with Hotaru and me and focus your ki on the door. *All form a ring and begin to focus ki...* RANMA: NOW!!! *All release ki straight at the door. It shatters, letting the half-naked horny women into the theater...* JACK: I hadn't counted on this... HOTARU: RUN!!!! *All riffers run from the theater, the aphrodisiac's victims in hot pursuit* (Scene: A laboratory somewhere on the SoS. Kodachi and Hotaru are concocting some kind of potion hurriedly, and Ranma and Jack are holding the door despite its continual weakening due to the blows of the women outside.) KODACHI: There! Anaphrodisiac gas! HOTARU: It should hold them for about six hours... JACK: We can't hold on much longer... RANMA: Correction - we can't hold on any longer! *Lets go of the door. He and Jack are slammed behind it and Setsuna, Amy, and Rini rush in. Hotaru slams the vial of gas down on to the floor and covers her nose. Kodachi does the same. The gas appears to have no effect...* HOTARU: RUN!!! *All non-affected people run from the room, the women in hot pursuit again... They converge on the bridge, and Hotaru hits the flashing red button as she runs with a half-crazed Rini following her.* (NegaCave) BERYL: Well, how was... *sees the carnage on the SoS and bursts out laughing* Ah, hahahahahahahahah... ha ha ha ha ha ha.... ha ha hahahaha.... (SoS) JACK: SHUT UP AND HELP US!!!! SETSUNA: Jack! Come back, Jack-sama! Come and (a la Ms. Kensington) shag me!!! JACK: HELP MEEEEE!!!!!! (NegaCave) BERYL: *Wipes tears from her eyes* I'd... hee hee hee... rather just... ha ha... whoo... watch... MALACHITE: (O.S., Austin Powers) Shagadelic, baby! *Somehow hits a redundant button* (FWOOSH) \ / \ / \ / \ / -O- / \ / \ / \ / \ AUTHOR'S NOTES This was just fun to write. What can I say? I have a new schedule! Richard Beaubien, collaborator on "Surreal World", has agreed not to prosecute if I MST "An Eating Guide to the Silver Millenium"! This is 40 pages long, though... Better save it for season 2. Just got the official Satellite of Senshi web site up as of Tuesday night! If you wanna go, the URL is http://www.angelfire.com/gundam/SatelliteSenshi Fair warning, though... you better have at least a 48k connection. This thing has 4 frames, tons of graphics, and an embedded MIDI in the top left frame, not to mention a blatantly stupid host segment on the first page. Anyway, here's the new schedule! Ja ne, and keep the puke bags handy, since I'm now posting to Fanfiction.net... Tuxedo Jack TuxedoJack@juno.com Tuxedojack@hotmail.com Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 1 Episode 101 - Seinfeld Meets Sailor Moon Episode 102 - Poke-Sailors Episode 103 - Sailor Moon: Redux Episode 104 - Whimsical Sailor Street Episode 104.5 - Holo-crap Episode 105 - Blaine's Crono Trigger Fic Part 1 Episode 106 - That's What A Tail Is Good For (LEMON!!!!!) Episode 107 - Three Shorts from the Underwear Drawer Episode 107.5 - What I Do When I Get A Writing Assignment Episode 108 - Who the %^#* am I or Identity Crisis Episode 109 - Fit To Be Tied (SICK LEMON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRING THE PEPTO-BISMOL!!!!!!) (Co-MSTed with Tuxedo Alex) Season Two Episode 201 - Asuka's Got A Gun Episode 201.5 - The Twelve Circles of Hell Episode 202 - Shot NERVs Episode 203 - Attack of the Beer Cans Episode 204 - Sailor Moon: Weirdness Episode 205 - AcAnime Fanfic Awards Episode 206 - Dimension of Love (SASAMI LEMON!!!!) Episode 207 - An Eating Guide to the Silver Millenium, Part 1: The Clinical Depression Meal Episode 208 - An Eating Guide to the Silver Millenium, Parts 2 and 3 Episode 209 - An Eating Guide to the Silver Millenium, Parts 4 and 5 Episode 210 - One Big Digi-Orgy (Lemon. Duh)