"A winner is you!"- Chibi-chan's MSTing of a spam she received Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 105 THE FIFTH FURY: Blaine's Crono Trigger Fic Part 1 DISCLAIMER FROM HELL: The Senshi used herein belong to Takeuchi-sama. The fic belongs to Blaine, and believe me, he's more than welcome to it. Everybody else is the property of whomever has the misfortune of owning them. I make no claim on any of these characters or fics - nor would I want to. Well, the only one character there is that I own is Tuxedo Jack - I own him because I created him! Geez... okay, disclaimer over. I am making no money from this fic; please don't sue me; I have no money anyway; etc., etc., etc. Am I done here? I think so. Apparently, Tuxedo Alex says that I took the TTPOTS idea from him, and I apologize for that. I merely piggybacked off it and improved it. Again, sorry Alex. I mean no offense. ********************************************************** In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere deep in hell, I think, The generals and Queen Beryl are Hatching plans that really stink! They caught a bishounen named Tuxedo Jack, Just an average guy who always wears black Their evil plans needed a good test case, So they whacked him on the head and then They shot him into space! (Tuxedo Jack: YOU IDIOTS!!!) (Nephrite) We'll send him lots of fanfics, The most there can possibly be, (la-la-la) (Zoisite) He'll have to sit and read them all (Malachite) And keep his GPA above three (la-la-la) (Beryl) Poor Tuxy Boy, he can't control When the fanfics begin or end, (la-la-la) He'll lose his relative sanity Along with the Senshi I caught with him! SENSHI ROLL CALL! Setsuna! (Well, back to hell...) Hotaru! (Saturn Planet Power...) Teenage Rini! (Iiiittt'sss ssoooo shshshshshiiiiinnnyyyyyyy!!!!!!) Amy! (Where's your stinking computer now, Flanders?!?!?) If you're wondering how they eat and sleep, And other science facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself, "Ask Amy later, Now I need to sit back and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! (Twang) ********************************************************** (Scene: The SOS bridge, one week after the horror of "Whimsical Sailor Street" and three days after the fatal Murder Mystery Weekend in the Holodeck. Hotaru and Jack are walking around the bridge, inspecting various objects and circuitry, and Ranma walks in.) RANMA: Has Beryl called yet? JACK: No, thank the kamis. Where's Kodachi? RANMA: I managed to knock her out and tie her up in her room. I don't want to be stuck watching a fic with her nearby glomping on to me every ten seconds. HOTARU: Jack, is the invention ready? Beryl will probably make us read "Chibi- Usa's Seventh Birthday" if we don't have one. JACK: Oh, we've got one. It'll let us do something very cool... Ranma, get Molly and Melvin up here, if you would. RANMA: Righty-ho. *Exits toward the quarters* HOTARU: So, what is it this time? JACK: Well, you'll see. Amy and I whipped it up last night - though Beryl'll no doubt destroy it and then take the materials for building another one off the satellite, though. (Yellow button flashes) HOTARU: Great, commercial sign. *Hits the button* We'll be right back. (Fade to black) (Scene: A small classically furnished library. The man from Masterpiece Theater sits in the chair with a pipe and begins to talk.) ANNOUNCER: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the new series... *puts on hard hat* (Large explosion rocks the set. When the smoke clears, the man is standing there with the surroundings completely razed.) ANNOUNCER: Disasterpiece Theatre! Each week, we'll be covering one famous disaster in history, beginning with the Titanic and moving to the atom bomb, covering everything from the great asteroid impact to the more modern 8.7 earthquake in Turkey! VOICEOVER: Tonight at ten only on the Didn't-want-to-Discover Channel. (Fade to Black) (Fade in to the bridge. Jack and Hotaru are grimacing at the ad.) JACK: Kami-sama, too many movies have been made about the Titanic already. Give it a rest. HOTARU: Leonardo DiCaprio... oooohhhhh... *goes off into dream state* JACK: *groans and red button flashes* It seems that President Clinton is calling. *Smirks and hits the button* (NegaCave) BERYL: Who are you calling President Clinton? (SOS) JACK: Well, you can't keep it in your own pants... (NegaCave) BERYL: That's it, Cape-boy. You're getting an extra fic today for that. (SOS) HOTARU: Oh, great! Thanks a lot, Jack! *Hits Jack in the arm* JACK: Oww! Hotaru! Blame Beryl! She's the one sending us this crap! (NegaCave) BERYL: Actually, Zoisite's sending you the fic today, since you killed Jadeite. ZOISITE: So what have you got for the Invention Exchange, oh ignorant peons? (SOS) (Ranma enters, flanked by Molly and Melvin) RANMA: Here you go, Jack. Just don't tell me what you're going to do with them. I'm going to get Kodachi in on this fic and then hide myself away. *Exits to get Kodachi* MOLLY: So what's this little gizmo? MELVIN: It's not... JACK: Yep! This is a device that I rigged up last night, Beryl. Allow me to give you a visual demonstration. *Activates the device and points it at Molly and Melvin. He sets it to return them to the past in Jyuban.* (NegaCave) BERYL: This had better be good or else it's an Oscarthon for you nine! ZOISITE: Erm, ma'am, only Jadeite knew where the Oscarfics were on the net. BERYL: Damnnation! (SOS) JACK: You won't be able to do that anyway, Beryl, because this device is called the TTPOTS. HOTARU: What does that stand for? JACK: It stands for "Teleport Two People Off This Satellite"! So long, suckers! *Activates the machine and sends Molly and Melvin back in a flash of light just as Ranma enters with Kodachi over his shoulder. She is trussed up and has a gag in her mouth.* (NegaCave) BERYL: WHAT?!?!?! The teleportational shield's up! Nephrite! Fix that NOW!!!!! NEPHRITE: Yes, my queen. (Under his breath) Fix this, repair that, find crap. Someday she'll pay... ZOISITE: That deserves an extra fic, don't you think, my queen? BERYL: Just make it a seven-parter - Blaine's Crono Trigger fic! ZOISITE: THAT one... okay! *Pushes the button* (SOS) JACK: Ranma, you'd better untie Kodachi, because... *alarms and lights go off and on* we've got FANFIC SIIIIIGN!!! Door Sequence Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: A lightsaber. It deactivates itself and you pass through. Door 4: A school bus door. It opens for you. Door 3: It's Michael Jackson. After a quick dance number, Michael hits on Ranma. Ranma hits Michael, knocking him out, and you continue on. Door 2: A CD-ROM drive. You hop in with the disk and continue onwards. Door 1: A hentai photo of Kodachi, Akane, and Ranma. Kodachi drools all over everywhere, and you drag her into the theater. Jack stays back to shred the picture with his various Tuxedo attacks. (Theater, SOS) (Seating Order from left to right: Ranma, Hotaru, Jack, Kodachi) KODACHI: Mmmph! MMMMMPHPHH!!!!!! HOTARU: Anyone here speak Kennese? JACK: A bit. Kodachi said something like "Untie me now or you all die," you know, the usual. RANMA: Ignore her. It's an idle threat. JACK: Still, though... *unties Kodachi* KODACHI: *gasps* Finally! (To Ranma) Why didn't you untie me, Ranma-sama? RANMA: Erm... well... JACK: Well, welcome to hell, Kodachi. KODACHI: What's this? Some nefarious device of my brother's? RANMA: I wouldn't be surprised. JACK: No, Queen Beryl built it. HOTARU: Shut up! The fic's started! >CHRONO TRIGGER: FAMILY REUNIONS JACK: The redneck reunion of the Crono Trigger family. RANMA: (Crono as redneck) A-yup, ah recken that there outhouse be done in about... ten y'ars. HOTARU: That is just wrong. >By J. Daniel Gibson (AKA Blaine) JACK AND HOTARU: WHAT?!?! JACK: Crap! Another Blainefic! RANMA: What's so bad about Blaine? JACK: He wrote this series and the lemon "Fit To Be Tied", a really bad Sailor Moon/Thundercats hentaific. KODACHI: Rant, rant, rant... if this is anything like that... *WHACK* HOTARU: Don't. Even. Start. >Chapter 1: Reunion HOTARU: This public service announcement is brought to you by the Department ofRedundancy Department. Repetition. No fanfic is complete without repetition. >1010 AD RANMA: As opposed to 0101 DA? >"Chrono. Chrono? JACK: Welcome to hell... what's your name again? >Wake up, Honey." HOTARU: And DIE!!! KODACHI: Dark this early? HOTARU: I find that it helps a lot. > Chrono opened his eyes and looked at Marl in bed next to him. KODACHI: Ooh! Ooh!! JACK: *Clocks Kodachi with his eagle cane* _No_. >"Good morning, Chrono." HOTARU: (as Crow) It's time to die! >she said and gave him a peck on the cheek. KODACHI: Oh my God! She pecked out his eyes! HOTARU: Eeeeewww! >"You >didn't sleep well, did you? You worried about the crowning?" RANMA: Is it a bris that they're going to? JACK: That would hurt. A lot. >"A little." JACK: (Marle) Oh, it's little, all right... HOTARU: Jack! JACK: What? Being killed took a lot out of me. >Chrono admitted with a smile. I've never been king >before." RANMA: (Marle) No, but you've been a queen before... > Chrono reflected on the past ten years. After he and his friends >defeated Lavos, Chrono married Marl which made him heir to the throne. >Two years later, they had a daughter. HOTARU: Uh-oh... JACK: Not _her_... >She was named Reene. JACK AND HOTARU: CRAP! JACK: _Another_ Rini? RINI: (over P.A.) Jerk! Bolt 3! *A huge bolt of lightning zaps Jack and he sits in his chair, his tuxedo in perfect condition but slightly smoking* JACK: Ouch... >Reene grew and >was loved by all. RANMA: Not by the North American dub audiences. RINI: I said shut up! Ice 3! *A _huge_ block of ice drops on Ranma* RANMA: *Is frozen solid* > Then Chrono and Marl had another child, last year. He was named >William Gaurdia XXXIV, after Marl's family line. HOTARU: Isn't it _Marle_? KODACHI: Smile and nod, dearie, smile and nod. > Life was good. ALL: (Singing) Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase... >The Chancellor took Luka under his wing KODACHI: And immediately dropped her twenty thousand feet to a sharp rocky death. >and she >learned what it took to be the King's right hand, for JACK: His real right hand was cut off at Bespin in a duel with Darth Vader. >she was chosen for >Chancellor's predecessor. In her spare time she tutored Reene and worked >on the Epoch. But then tragedy struck. The King died. Now, Chrono was >to become king. HOTARU: Oh, yeah, guys, it's _Lucca_. Just so you know. > He and Marl got dressed and went to breakfast. KODACHI: In HELL!!!!! JACK: Hey, that's my line! >610 AD RANMA: Loop 610 is backed up to 290, use I-10 instead... > "Wake up!" Frog tipped over Tata's bed, dumping him out. > Tata jumped to his feet and grabbed his sword. He quickly brought >it up to parry Frog's sword. > "Thou arte more alert this morning." Frog commented as he sheathed >the Masamune, HOTARU: One of the 12 Legendary Sealed Weapons at the Castle Kuzar. JACK: Cheap Final Fantasy V reference. >"That is good." JACK: (Yoda) Sunscreen good. No sunscreen, bad. > "Yeah." Tata agreed, fingering KODACHI: *opens mouth* HOTARU: Not one word, you. *Hands glow with a ki attack* KODACHI: *shuts mouth. >the bandage on his right arm. He >wasn't alert yesterday. HOTARU: Because the fire alarm never went off and he burned to death. The end. JACK: That was dark. HOTARU: It's a mercy killing. He's in this fanfic. > After Tata had given the Hero's Medal to Chrono, when he was eight, >he realized what a wuss he was. After training solo for five years, he went >to Frog who brought him in and taught him the art of swordplay. Now, at age >eight-teen, he is almost as proficient as Frog, but he was 'too damned >cocky', as Frog would put it. KODACHI: (Confucius) Man with hands in pockets... *WHAM* HOTARU: _NO_. > "Get dressed." Frog commanded. "Luka will be here soon." JACK: (Singing) Always Lucca on the bright side of life... OTHERS: *Groan* >1010 AD RANMA: Oh, crap... the fic's skipping... > "Luka?" Taban knocked on Luka's door. "Luka, are you up?" He was >greeted by an inhuman groan. KODACHI: *Roars like something from hell* ALL BUT KODACHI: *Clap* JACK: Nice! KODACHI: Thank you, thank you. > "I'm up." she moaned into her pillow. She looked at her clock. >"6:00 AM! What's the big idea of getting me up this early." Luka continued >to rant as Taban quickly sneaked away from the door. JACK: (Crow watching "Gunslinger") Sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak... sneak! > Luka went to her closet. She held up a bra and looked at it with >disdain. She didn't have to wear one of these uncomfortable things when >she was eight-teen; she was a slow developer and suddenly she was stuck >with these big clumsy things. They got in the way when she ran, tried to >work on mechanics, not to mention the guys that kept staring. Didn't they >have anything better to look at? JACK AND RANMA: No. JACK: We like that kind of thing. RANMA: Unfortunately, I'm stuck with those things at times. JACK: *snicker* KODACHI: Whatever do you mean, Ranma-sama? ^_^ RANMA: *Groan* I'll tell you someday. > Luka finished getting dressed, ran downstairs, HOTARU: Guys, stop drooling at the Gainax bounce. RANMA AND JACK: *Drool* HOTARU: Kodachi, a little help? KODACHI: *Drooling at the Gainax Bounce* HOTARU: *Groan* This is going to hurt them more than me. *ZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* ALL BUT HOTARU: YEOW!!!! HOTARU: Watch the damned fic, not Lucca's mammary glands! JACK: But I _like_ Lucca's mammary glands. >grabbed a piece of >toast, and ran out to the garage. She ran a few quick diagnostic tests on >the Epoch and got in. > For the past two years she'd been studying Belthesar's blueprints. >She had just figured out the schematics of the time dial a month ago. She >had replaced the dial with a digital counter and she'd programmed a new time >coordinate, to 2000 BC. HOTARU: A-7. JACK: Damn! *Makes explosion sound* You sunk my battleship! > She revved up the engine and set the time for 2310 AD. RANMA: (Dick Steele from "Spy Hard) Do you have to keep revving the engine? JACK: (Kabul from "Spy Hard" as Lucca) Ah, but it's an American V-8! Such a beautiful sound... GIRLS: *groan* >2310 AD HOTARU: (Geordi LaForge) Time travel gives me nosebleeds. KODACHI: Just put a plastic sheet down first. > Robo finished shining his new body as Chrona labored over her >homework. > "Math sucks." Chrona announced disdainfully. > "Math is the primary basis of life." Robo told her. JACK: No, DNA is the primary basis of life. ROBO'S VOICE: Bite me. > "Well I don't like it." she said. She tugged at the dress she had >to wear and looked longingly at her leather jacket and torn jeans. She >looked around her room. On the wall was the Rainbow, a katana that >belonged to her ancestor, Chrono. The rest of her room looked like a >tornado ran through it. RANMA: So it's a trailer park in Oklahoma now? HOTARU: No, it's the farm in Kansas. KODACHI: (Dorothy) I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto. JACK: (Toto) Woof! Woof! >There were maids in the castle but Chrona didn't >want her stuff messed with. There were biker leathers all over, JACK AND RANMA: *Drool at the thought of Chrona in leather* HOTARU: Dammit, are they ever going to learn? KODACHI: *hefting a ball bomb* Apparently not. *Throws the bomb at Ranma and Jack. An explosion engulfs them, and Ranma is charred, while Jack is singed.* JACK: That hurt, dammit! RANMA: Dachi-chan, I'll get you for this. JACK: How are you going to punish her, Ranma? KODACHI: Punish me! PUNISH ME! Yes, yes, YES!!!! HOTARU: SHUT UP!!!!!! *Smacks Kodachi in her head* >a shelf >full of Grand Prix, Deathball, and Kendo trophies, and the huge spiky, >metal game ball from her first Deathball tournament. HOTARU: So she plays golf now? > Robo looked at her. It was amazing how she possessed the same >rebel type qualities of both Chrono and JACK: James Dean? >Marl. Robo and King Doan, Chrona's >grandfather, were the only ones who knew about time travel, here. HOTARU: Here, there, and everywhere! >When a person who lives in a future that is changed drastically time >travels, memories of the original future and the new future are both in >mind. RANMA: Small mind, though, so his must have shorted. HOTARU AND KODACHI: (singing) It's a small mind after all... >Doan has both memories of growing up in a world destroyed by Lavos >and of a world of peace and prosperity. KODACHI: Nerima and Crystal Tokyo? HOTARU: Try the Masaki Shrine and Heaven. >He was lucky that he didn't go mad >the first time he KODACHI: Screwed his wife? HOTARU: NO!!! *THWAP!!!* >traveled to the year 1000. JACK: (Singing) In the year 2525... if man is still alive... if woman can survive... >Chrona knew nothing about it aside from what the textbooks say >about The Lavos Disaster, RANMA: That the books are wrong and the people are right. JACK: Duh. RANMA: What about a videotape? >when he came from the underground and attacked >with a rain of fire from the sky. HOTARU: Death Reborn - KODACHI: NO!!!!! HOTARU: Oh, okay. FLAME WALL!!! *A huge wall of flame - courtesy of Super Mario RPG - roasts the theater screen.* >Fortunately, he was defeat KODACHI: Oh, the agony of 'de' feet. (Rimshot) >by a trio of >strangers with strange powers. JACK: (Charlton Heston as Moses) I am a stranger in a strange land... >But, Chrona did know Luka, who to her was >just an aunt that lived far away. It was Luka and Doan who designed the >new, sleeker body RANMA: That Chrona inhabited? JACK: *Drool* HOTARU: They never learn, do they? KODACHI: Nope. *THWAP THWAP* >Robo's brain chip now inhabited. >"Hey, babe. How's it hangin'?" ALL: EEEEWWWW!!! JACK: Oscar reference... must keep head... from explo... exploding... yaargh!!! *Head explodes, throwing Jell-O shots everywhere. A few seconds later, it reassembles.* Ow... >Johnny said as he rolled in and >transformed to humanoid form. RANMA: (Optimus Prime) Chronocons - transform and roll out! *All make various rumbling and car sounds* >"Johnny!" Chrona jumped up and hugged his huge metal frame. >"You ready to go?" he asked. >"Yeah." She and Johnny were the #1 racing team in Gaurdia. Today >was the Thirtieth Annual Grand Prix. When Johnny transformed into Chrona's >bike, they were the fastest. HOTARU: I'm not going to make a comment here, and neither is anyone else. >Chrona went into her closet, closed the door, and took her dress JACK: Off. RANMA: Whoo-hoo! Lemon scene! KODACHI: Batter up! HOTARU: And the pitch! *Fries Jack and Ranma with ki energy* >off. JACK: Ah-ha! I was right! RANMA: Courtesy breasts, please! HOTARU: JACK!!!! KODACHI: RANMA!!!! >Johnny turned on his x-ray eyes. "I see somebody's goodies." RANMA: Whoa! JACK: He's an even worse hentai than us! HOTARU: I doubt that. >Johnny >said in a singsong voice. Chrona and Johnny, aside from racing together, JACK: Sc... *Notices Hotaru's hands glowing with ki* USE ME! HOTARU: Better. >shared an RANMA: Ice cream cone! >intimate, HOTARU: You're not going to see this... SILENCE GLAIVE SURPRISE! *A ball of energy flies from her hands and shreds the screen* KODACHI: Hey!!! >{ } relationship. RANMA: DAMMIT!!!!! JACK: CRAP!!!!! HOTARU: Well, better than your hentai riffs... >"Little, impudent punk." Robo said under his breath. JACK: Nani?!? He's a robot! He doesn't breathe! >64,999,981 BC RANMA: The year of the Pentium. >"Fuga!" Ayla swore "Where tiger skin." KODACHI: But how is "Where tiger skin" swearing? I'd much rather say (BLEEP) and (BLEEP) and ^&#&*$icepick**^Y@)@9$yourmother$#^%$*#(badgerpiss!!!!! RANMA: Erm... I'm not going to ask... >She dug through her clothes. HOTARU: (Rachel from "Friends") There's rock bottom, twenty feet of crap... then me. >"Kino!" Ayla looked over at her husband in the corner of the hut. JACK: Who was busy dying of a heart attack. >He was asleep with a big snot bubble in his nose. ALL: EEEEWWW!!!!!!!! JACK: We did _not_ need to know that, thanks a bunch. >Ayla threw a rock at him, which bounced off his forehead. ALL: (Yakko, Wakko and Dot) Boingy, boingy, boingy! >He didn't seem to notice. RANMA: (Picard) Fire riffing torpedoes, Mr. Data. JACK: (Data) Shove it up your ass and die, _sir._ >"Kino big dummy." HOTARU: No argument here. >She went to him, gently caressed him, RANMA AND JACK: WHOO-HOO!!! RANMA: Lemon scene approaching! YES!!! JACK: Hentai abounds!!! YEEEE-HA!!!! HOTARU: Over my dead body. *ZZZZZAP!!!!!!* >and bit his nose. JACK AND RANMA: WHAT?!?!?!? JACK: (Sad) But she was about to screw him... RANMA: (Near tears) But the hentai's gone... >"FUGA!!!" Kino screamed. >"Where tiger skin!" >"Me sleep on." he said, groggily. KODACHI: And the tiger ripped him to shreds, killing him and Ayla. It then ate their still-twitching corpses. JACK: The end. KODACHI: He went on to crush their bones and sever tendons, destroying what remained of their decimated husks. JACK: Erm... *sweatdrop* KODACHI: It then roared, clearly stating that it was the master of this cave. It then went off to look for Crono and Marle... JACK: Eeesh... *edges nervously away from Kodachi* KODACHI: (Innocently) What? >Sure enough, there it was under >him... with a puddle of HOTARU: Eeeewww!!! He wet his bed! JACK: That was just wrong. >drool on it. >"Yaahhh!" ALL: Magami-sama! >She punched him. RANMA: I collapsed and died. HOTARU: I blasted the screen with a ki attack. KODACHI: I had a hentai thought about Jack. JACK: I threw up. *Vomits in a corner of the theater* BERYL'S VOICE: You're going to clean that up! >"Hi Mom, Hi Dad." Junior, their eight-teen year old son, walked in. JACK: Eighteen and he _still_ lives with his parents? I pity him. >"Where you been?" Kino asked. RANMA: (Junior as Homer Simpson) Drinking at Moe's. Had fun. >Me hunt." He held up a four hundred-pound baby tyrano. HOTARU: Hey, it's Beryl! JACK: Who, Junior or the T-Rex? >"Get ready go." Ayla said, "Luka come soon." KODACHI: Kodachi speak like Shampoo if she hear Ayla again. >11,999 BC ALL: *Hum the theme to "2001"* >Magus stood on the beach and remembered what the sea looked like. >Schala sat next to him. >Three months ago she was princess of Zeal, now she was just a normal >girl, stuck on this island. ALL: *Snore* >After she had helped the Prophet and Chrono's friends escape the >Ocean Palace, she ran to an escape pod but there was only enough energy >in >it to get her to this island. From the island she witnessed the crash of >the Blackbird, the Black Dream rising from the sea, and she saw Belthesar's >time machine fly over a few times. ALL: *Snore some more due to extreme boredom* > Then, one day, she found the prophet lying unconscious on the beach. >She took him to the little hut she had built and nursed him to health. When >he came to, he was blind. He said he was blinded by a light in the sky >while flying and he fell. He didn't know who she was and told her the >whole story about him being Janus and on a quest to find her. Schala told >him that she was his lost sister. Upon hearing that he broke down and cried >into her shoulder. RANMA: *Wakes up* Mommy, I had a sick dream that I was watching a bad fanfic... *Screams* IT WASN'T A DREAM!! AAAAIIIIIEEEE!!!!!! ALL OTHERS: *Wake up and start beating on Ranma* >Now, sitting on the beach, things seemed so peaceful. ALL: *Sit down calmly. Ranma is unconscious* JACK: Now it's peaceful. >Schala stood up and brushed the sand off her robes. >Magus was JACK: Getting high. RANMA: No drug humor! >standing, listening to the ocean, when he gasped and fell >to his knees. JACK: (Sheep from "Mafia") Whoa, the colors! Groovy (BLEEP)! RANMA: I said _STOP IT_!!! >Schala rushed to his side and helped him up. "What's the >matter?" RANMA: (Steve Urkel) I've fallen and I can't get up! >"Something's going to happen." he replied "The black wind begins to >howl." JACK: And GreyJedi writes another lemon. *Security alarms begin to howl "FOURTH WALL BREACH! FOURTH WALL BREACH!"* HOTARU: Jack apologizes, Fourth Wall alarms! *Alarms shut off* >1010 AD KODACHI: Back and forth, back and forth... make up your mind! >Leene Square was packed. KODACHI: Like a can of sardines. >People from all over came to see the >crowning of King Chrono. Chrono and Marl sat at the long table with >representatives from Fiona, Porre, Choras, and even the Mystic's town of >Medina. JACK: Not to mention the Republicans and the Democrats. HOTARU: And the Anime Villains Association. RANMA: And the Author Avatar jobbers. KODACHI: And how about the repetitive riffers from the SoS? JACK: Yeah! We'll rip them to shreds! >Frog and Tata HOTARU: Ta-ta, now! >stood near the front with Ayla, Kino, Junior, and >Doan. Princess Reene was playing with Robo and Atropos while Luka talked >with Doan near Nadia's Bell. JACK: All these names... too... too much to... com... comprehend... yaaaagh!!! *Head explodes, flinging mini-Tom Servos everywhere. They vanish, and Jack's head reassembles itself.* >After being crowned, Chrono began talking with the representatives >to get a standing on the political situation. >"Chrono sure looks different." Tata said. RANMA: (Tata) Has he been smoking something? JACK: *grumble* And you say no drug humor... *grumble* >"To be sure." Frog replied. "'Twas ten years hence you saw him >last. He has grown." >"Queen Marl sure looks hot." Tata said. JACK AND RANMA: *Jaws drop* JACK: A lesbian? HERE? RANMA: (Chanting) LEMON! LEMON! LEMON! HOTARU: STOP IT NOW!!! *ZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!* >"Show respect for the descendant of our queen." Frog snapped. HOTARU: Damn right. >"Leave boy 'lone." Ayla said. "Him young." RANMA: Oh, God, does she think that that's "Dawson's Creek"? JACK AND RANMA: EEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!!!! >"This from you, lass?" Frog smiled, "You hit your husband just for >looking funny." >"That 'cause Kino big dummy." RANMA: No argument from me either, Hotaru. >Huh?" Kino looked up from the frog he was playing with. JACK: Even I agree this time. >Ayla looked at him "Me talk 'bout you, not to you." ALL: Well, _DUH_!!! >Frog sighed. "'Tis a day of celebration. Tata, go and enjoy >yourself." >"Junior, you go too." Ayla said. RANMA AND JACK: Erm... possible lemon here? HOTARU: I wouldn't bet on that. *Hands crackle with ki* >Junior and Tata ran off into the crowd. >"So, you've been altering the Epoch?" Melichior inquired. >"Yeah." Luka said in between bites of her sandwich. "I've finally >deciphered Belthesar's blueprints and learned how to program new time >coordinates. The only new one I have now is to 2000 BC. That's the dawn >of the non-Zealian scientific period." RANMA: Wow, 1997! JACK: So the Zealians didn't know about cloning? RANMA: Nope. *Clones himself in a puff of smoke. When he's done, two Ranmas are sitting in his seat - but one is girl-type.* GIRL-TYPE RANMA: Wow, a plot contrivance! JACK: (evilly) Who's the hot red-haired babe? RANMAS: *Sweatdrop* >"What's it like?" Melichior asked. GIRL-TYPE RANMA: (Lucca) It's like the inside of a warm apple pie... JACK: NO BAKA HEN... oh, hell, go ahead. I can't hit a girl. HOTARU: But I can! *ZZZZZZAAAAAAAPPPPPPP!!!!!!* >"I don't know. I haven't had a chance to go yet." >"Well I'd like to go with you." ALL: *Snore* >Luka smiled and nodded. KODACHI: Just like we've been doing this entire fic. >Nearby, Robo, Atropos, and Reene were throwing a ball back and >forth. JACK: Not the Luna P-ball! >"You're fun, Uncle Robo." Reene squealed cutely. ALL: *Wince in pain* RANMA: STOP THE CUTENESS!!! STOP IT!!!!! >"Show me another trick." KODACHI: (Robo) Pick a card, any card... >"Yes." Robo shot his Gatlin Arm out twenty feet, grabbed some >flowers and brought them back to Reene. She smiled and hugged him. >Suddenly there was a blood-curdling howl that ripped the air. >People screamed. ALL: YES!!! KODACHI: Mass chaos! JACK: Panic! RANMA: Free food! GIRL-TYPE RANMA: Naked people! HOTARU: (Dot Warner) We like painting naked people. >Chrono looked up and saw a pack of wild boar-dogs running >through the crowd. People were yelling and running in all directions. >Reene's little, blue cat, Alfedor, ran up a nearby tree. Frog leapt up to >the staged area next to Chrono. RANMA AND JACK: (Bill and Ted) Excellent! >"They usually don't attack like this." Chrono exclaimed. HOTARU: They usually attack in the dead of night and kill people for fun and profit... >Methinks I know the problem." HOTARU AND KODACHI: (Arthur and Bedevere) We failed you, O knights of Ni, and we ask for mercy... >Frog pointed. Junior and Tata were >running through the street with a baby boar-dog in their arms. It squealed >and screamed. Junior had picked up a scent and they started following it >into the woods. Junior caught the boar-dog but the whole pack went crazy >and chased them back to the town. GIRL-TYPE RANMA: Whoo-hoo! Violence and car chases a la carte! >"Drop the pup!" Frog yelled. JACK: Do that, and the animal rights activists will have a fit. >They looked at each other, dropped >the dog, and ran. But the damage had been done; the parents were out for >blood. ALL GIRLS: (Singing) I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother... >Frog jumped ALL GUYS: Boingy, boingy, boingy! >between the running teens and the dogs. He raised his >arms and chanted his Frog Squash spell. KODACHI: Combine frog and squash - preferably spaghetti squash - and bake at 7 million degrees for three millennia. Serves 1. >A giant frog fell from the sky. >The boar-dogs screeched to a halt. RANMA: A shot rang out. JACK: The maid screamed. HOTARU: A door slammed. KODACHI: The plot contrivance field was reversed. *Girl-Type Ranma disappears* JACK: I don't know, and I don't want to know. >The frog expanded its air sack and >eyed them. They tuned tail and fled. RANMA: Wow, this is repetitious. >With all the commotion, no one saw Reene run off into the woods. >In about five minutes, she came to a clearing. There was a little, black >hole, just floating in the air. ALL: YES!! HOTARU: Suck her in, black hole! JACK: CRUSH HER!!! >When she leaned over to get a better look, >the key her Aunt Luka gave her on a necklace brushed the hole. It got >bigger. There were swirls of blue and black inside. >"Oh, pretty." she exclaimed. She stepped in and it closed behind >her. KODACHI: A black hole with a set of automatic doors? JACK: How odd. >"My sensor aren't picking Reene up." Robo said. >"Neither are mine." agreed Atropos. >Ayla was comforting Marl, who was crying into her royal robes. >Luka, Melichior, and Doan were in the Epoch, searching from the air. >Chrono, Kino, and Frog each had a company of about twenty men apiece, >soldiers and townsmen alike. They were searching the woods. JACK: Think they'll find her? HOTARU: Not a chance. ALL: *Cheer wildly* >Robo shook his head. "It's like she just disappeared." RANMA: Well, _DUH_!!! > > > JACK: I think that it's over... > > > HOTARU: Yep, part 1's done. *All exit the theater* (Reverse Door Sequence) (Scene: SoS Bridge. Hotaru and Jack are sitting on the sofa, and Ranma and Kodachi are on the black leather couch.) RANMA: Think the Mads will call before an hour passes? KODACHI Bet on it. *Red light flashes* Well, speak of the Goomba. *Slaps button* (NegaCave) BERYL: Well, my little bunnies, did the fic kill you? NEPHRITE: Obviously not, my queen, since they're still alive. BERYL: Shut up, Nephrite! (To SoS) Anyway, Nephrite bet his life that this fic would break you, and since he was wrong, he's gonna die. *Kills Nephrite with a blast of ki - definitely an out of the ordinary blast.* (SoS) ALL: WHOA!!! JACK: I did _not_ expect that. HOTARU: Kick ass!!! KODACHI: Whoa, baby! RANMA: Shagadelic, baby! (NegaCave) BERYL: Shut up! Just push the button, Zoisite - the next fic's a lemon!!! ZOISITE: *Pushes the button* (FWOOSH) \ | / \ | / \ | / ------0------ / | \ / | \ / | \ (Fade to black) AUTHOR'S NOTES Well, that's the end of that part. This fic isn't that bad, just _long_! Blaine, sorry I took so long to get this done, but I accidentally wiped my Juno inbox, and then I uninstalled the software... but then it was chaos. The next fic is indeed a lemon! Is it an Oscarfic? Is it a Hachific? Or is it a Thinkerfic? Wait and see! Tuxedo Jack TuxedoJack@juno.com