"FATE BLADE... ALTER DESTINY!" - Pluto Knight, AcAnime Fanfic Awards Act 2 Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 104.5 *Special episode!* TODAY'S HELLHOUND OF HUMOR: The first tale about the SOS crew's free time - and the first attack DISCLAIMERS, NOTHING MORE THAN DISCLAIMERS: All senshi used within belong to Takeuchi Naoko. Ranma and Kodachi belong to Takahashi Rumiko. Tuxedo Jack belongs to me, since I am him. This fic is mine, and it may be freely distributed but never altered without my permission. It may be MSTed; however, since it is a fic involving MSTers and their off-time, I would prefer that is remain as it is. I am making no money off of this fic, but I wish I was; please don't sue me, I have no money, I have the equivalent of a Master's in law, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Apparently, Tuxedo Alex says that I took the TTPOTS idea from him, and I apologize for that. I merely piggybacked off it and improved it. Again, sorry Alex. I mean no offense. That being done, we shall enter the Holodeck on the Satellite of Senshi for this special episode, which is written in novel form... ********************************************************** In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere deep in hell, I think, Queen Beryl and the generals are Hatching plans that really stink! They caught a bishounen named Tuxedo Jack Just an average guy who always wears black Their experiments needed a good test case So they whacked him in the head and then They shot him into space! (Jack: YOU IDIOTS!!!!!!!) (Jadeite) We'll send him crappy fanfics, (Nephrite) The most there can possibly be, (la la la) (Zoisite) He'll have to sit and read them all (Malachite) And keep his GPA above three! (la la la) (Beryl) Now poor Tuxy boy, he can't control When the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) He'll lose his relative sanity With the Senshi I've caught with him! SENSHI ROLL CALL! Setsuna! (Oh, crap...) Hotaru! (Ooh, pretty!) Teenage Rini! (SUGAR HIGH!!!) Amy! (Mental note: kill Beryl.) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other science facts, (la la la) Just repeat to yourself, "Ask Amy later, Now I need to sit back and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! (Twang) ********************************************************** Setsuna left the lounge. Hotaru, Jack, Molly, Melvin, Amy, and Ranma were still in there, jabbering away about the plans to get two people - most likely Molly and Melvin - off the Satellite. She snorted. "We're stuck here, and they're thinking that they can teleport someone off, even though the teleportational shield's up. When will they learn?" Someone's quiet, yet fast, footsteps were coming up behind her. She tensed, preparing to attack the pursuer... and then she saw that it was Jack, and she calmed down and continued walking onwards. "That was a godawful fic, wasn't it?" Jack kept pace with her, and she answered. "Yeah. Sometimes I wonder why people write these things..." "Simple." His nonchalant reply caught her off-guard, but she didn't show it. Even in the fics, she only showed the three emotions of sadness, rage, and sadistic humor. "The people who write these have incredible sexual desires for the targets whom they write about. Of course, this hypothesis is supported by the mass of self-insertion lemons out there..." "Jack, do you always talk about hentai? Are you that sexually charged?" He started. "Good God, no! I just make all those hentai comments during the fics to keep you riled up and ready to hit me to relieve your tension." He smiled wryly. "I'm just a hopeless romantic at heart." Setsuna rolled her eyes. "Romantic, maybe. Hopeless, definitely." She turned and walked off towards her bedroom. "Hey! You mean that I wouldn't have a chance with you?" "Only if this Satellite were spiralling into a black hole or a sun!" She slammed the door to her room angrily, and he walked off, chuckling in the process. * * * Hotaru left the lounge with a frown on her face. A few seconds later, she was walking down the hall to the kitchen when the Satellite's intercom went off. "All crew, this is Commander Jack. Please remember that your attendance is requested at the Holodeck at nine this evening, ship's time. Dress is black tie for men, formal dress for women. Ranma may wear either. Out." She smiled and opened the door to her room, entered and closed it behind her. As she walked to her closet to fetch her dress for that night, a small thought entered her head: who was her date to this event? The only three men on this ship were Jack, Melvin, and Ranma, and Melvin had Molly. Odds were that Ranma wouldn't take Kodachi, and that left him as a viable prospect... but Jack was a wild card. He'd kept himself aloof and separate from the four Senshi ever since they'd arrived... so she had no clue what he'd do. "So who am I going to take..." * * * Rini left the kitchen, her right hand filled with a plate of cookies and milk, her left holding a bowl of rocky road ice cream. Just as she closed the kitchen door, Jack's announcement came over the intercom. She grumbled a bit, then glanced at the Luna P-Ball on the counter - and realized that it was seven o'clock! She ran for her room, spilling her milk over the deck tiles, and tripped on the small step between the dining area and the main hallway. The food went flying, and so did she - but a second later, just before she was about to hit the floor, she felt a pair of arms enfold her and a body cushion her fall. She hit the person under her with a small thud, but the victim lost a bit of breath. A resounding crash reverberated through the hall as the dishes landed, and Rini winced in sympathetic pain. "And it's an perfect flying catch of a home run Rini tripped by the step! The crowd goes wild!" Jack, who had gone to the kitchen trying to get a small snack, had entered the hallway just as Rini had hit the step. He had dodged the dishes and assorted flying foods, and with an effort that wrenched his back and twinged an ankle, he dove under her, caught her, and cushioned her fall. Rini just lay there in his arms, panting and gasping, realizing that she could have just hurt herself severely. She didn't realize that she was lying on top of the man whom she had walloped the first day she was with him. "Rini, are you all right?" Jack was quite worried, considering that she was lying on top of him and hadn't attacked him with a Hammerspace weapon yet. Still, though, having Rini in his arms was indeed nice. A few seconds later, Rini lost it. She sucked in a breath, gained her reasoning powers... and whipped out a Hammerspace mallet. "HENTAI!!!" She screamed, and brought the hammer down. A second later... "Thanks for catching me," she said,, smiling evilly, and walked off whistling. "Yeah..." Jack said weakly, five minutes later, after he had come to, "she's all right!" He then passed out again. * * * Molly and Melvin had left the lounge a minute before Rini attacked Jack. The pair walked hand in hand down a secondary corridor, talking about menial things, until they reached Molly's room. They embraced and kissed. A slow kiss, at first, but it picked up speed, and a minute later, Molly pulled Melvin into her room and shut the door. * * * Ranma left the lounge feeling slightly disgruntled. Of all the people to send off the Satellite... At any rate, the entertainment this evening should be quite good. "It's too bad that Akane isn't here," he mumbled to himself. "Despite her disposition, she's a good companion. But the fact that she likes me better as a girl leads me to wonder..." As he reached the gym, his attention was diverted to a set of small exercise holodecks nearby. He entered one and activated an exercise program... and his Tenchin Amaguriken began to work like hell. * * * Amy went off to the spa. She intended to receive a soaking in a whirlpool and a massage before going to the holo-entertainment. Ten minutes later, armed with a holo-Fabio as a masseuse, she worked away most of her tension and pains. Her soak in the whirlpool finished the job, and at seven-fifty, she went to get dressed. * * * Kodachi dressed with utmost care for the holodeck. A full-length red sheath dress enveloped her excellent figure, and a replicated ruby ring topped it off. "Ranma-sama won't be able to resist me," she giggled to herself in front of her full-length mirror, all the while acting seductively. * * * Nine o' clock! The hour approached much faster than anyone could figure. The eight crewmembers, all but Jack, gathered outside of the holodeck and waited anxiously, chattering about random subjects and making small talk. Suddenly, Jack swept into the hallway, resplendent in his Tuxedo Jack oufit, complete with eagle cane and rose. "Welcome, my fellow prisoners, to the first annual Murder Mystery Weekend! For the duration of the evening, you will all be suspects and characters in this small play, where you must find out who is the murderer, with which weapon they killed, and where the murder was committed! "You will play the parts of the characters in these envelopes that I will pass out to you. Whomever is the murderer may not disclose their crime to anyone, not a friend, lover, or fellow player, until the crime has been solved. "All players may roam the holodeck freely, and the holo-mansion within. It has nine rooms on the first floor, and that is what we will be using. Whether or not they are what they seem..." and here he grinned, "that is up to you to find out." Ranma spoke up. "What about you? What character are you playing?" "I shall be playing the gracious host - the murder victim." An evil grin ran over his face. "I go by the name... Mr. Boddy. I built this program; if I played, I'd give away the answer! And now if you will take your envelopes, please... the ladies' envelopes on the left, the men's on the right... yes, that's right..." With a flourish, he whipped out a small silver tray covered with eight envelopes from Hammerspace and held them out for the group. Ranma opened his. "I'm apparently someone named Mister Green. Melvin, how about you?" "I'm Colonel Mustard," Melvin replied. "Anyone else have a color-based name?" "I do!" Rini shouted. "My character's named Miss White!" "As do I," Molly whispered. "I'm playing Professor Plum." "I as well," Setsuna spoke. "I'm supposed to be a woman named Peach." "Really?" Kodachi inquired as she slid closer to Ranma. "I'm Miss Scarlet. Pleased to meet you." "I am Mrs. Peacock," Amy chimed in. "It fits me well." "And I'm Mrs. Tomoe-Boddy," Hotaru spoke out. "Ironic. I don't have to change one bit." Jack stepped into the chaos. "If you all will please enter the holodeck, I'll get the program started." They entered, Kodachi on a reluctant Ranma's arm, and Jack spoke again. "Computer: run program Clue One. Deactivate most verbal commands. Program can only be altered or accessed by Commander Jack." "Program ready," the Holodeck spouted, and the doors to the anteroom opened. "Shall we begin?" * * * Special door sequence! Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. It opens. Door 5: A holographic door. It shatters in a spray of atoms. Door 4: A floppy disk. The metal shutter opens, and you cross through the plastic. Door 3: Gundam Zero-One. Jack grins and uses it to fire a laser blast at the NegaCave. By his calculations, it should hit in ten years. You go onwards. Door 2: A clock. Ranma whips out a pistol and blows it into pieces. Door 1: The standard Star Trek sliding doors. They open and allow you into the Holodeck. * * * Soft piano music filled the Hall as Mr. Boddy (Jack) instructed the three servants - the cook, the maid, and the butler - in their duties for that evening. The butler was to direct the guests to the Library, seat them in the Dining Room when dinner was ready, and then leave the mansion and go home. The cook was to serve dinner with the maid and then leave for the night. The maid, who was dressed in a Frederick's of Hollywood maid outfit, was to clean up after dinner, serve cocktails and mints, and then go home. Just as the maid finished receiving and comprehending her instructions, the doorbell rang, and the butler hastened to greet the visitors. It was Miss Scarlet (Kodachi), with the tuxedo-clad Mr. Green on her arm. Mr. Green (Ranma) seemed strangely nervous and desperate to get rid of Scarlet. The moment the butler ushered the pair to the Library and handed them small tumblers of Johnny Walker Red, the bell rang again and, this time, Miss Peach (Setsuna) was ushered to the Library. All the while, the green-haired woman clutched her purse to her side, almost as if it contained a very valuable object. Several minutes later, the bell rang again, and Miss White (Rini) was directed to the Library. The short pink-haired girl wore a very low-cut white strapless sheath and a beautiful platinum wristwatch. She quickly drained two screwdrivers and started on a third as the bell rang, announcing the arrival of Colonel Mustard (Melvin) and Professor Plum (Molly). The pair went to the Library, and Professor Plum refused alcohol, contenting her palate with an Evian. The Colonel immediately began to chat up Mr. Green about the latest Packers game, and Professor Plum sat in a corner and drank her Evian. Suddenly, the doorbell rang again, startling Miss Peach into dropping her purse. A small object rolled out - a vial of some unknown chemical. She quickly stuffed it back into her bag and snatched up the bag. This time, the butler ushered in the beautiful blue-haired Mrs. Peacock (Amy) . She quickly sat down with her small vodka and tonic and began to drink while observing the other guests. * * * Ten minutes later... The butler cleared his throat. "If you would all please come to the Dining Room, you will receive dinner." "Where's Ja - er, Mr. Boddy?" queried Mr. Green. "Your host and his wife have unfortunately been detained due to a small incident. They will arrive shortly. Now if you would please follow me..." The seven guests followed the butler the short distance to the Dining Room, and with the aid of the cook, they were seated in their respective chairs. Miss Scarlet was none too pleased about being separated from Green, and she voiced that opinion over the soup course. "And why could I not have been seated next to my Ranma-sama?" Miss Peach hissed at Scarlet, "Keep in character, by the kamis, or you'll read an Oscarfic!" She then went innocently back to eating her minestrone. Scarlet's face paled, but she stayed in character. "And where are the host and his wife? I thought they'd be here by now..." Mrs. Peacock, ever proper, wiped her mouth and laid her napkin down on her lap. * * * Just outside the Dining Room... "I believe, my dear," Jack said to Hotaru, who was next to him, "that's our cue." Hotaru, who was looking smashiing in a dark purple dress and a gold necklace with Saturn's sigil on its apex, smiled. "Computer: Command line. Begin storm scenario, and cue lightning as we enter the Dining Room." * * * Lightning flashed through the Dining Room, startling most of the guests and causing Professor Plum to spill her wine over Colonel Mustard's lap. "Good evening, guests," a deep, sonorous, yet pleasant voicce called out from the entrance. There stood Mr. Boddy, his brown eyes mischievious and his tuxedo in perfect form. Next to him, Mrs. White saw, was Hotaru... but a Hotaru who'd obviously been busy with make-up and dresses. The guests, most of whom were still stunned from the lightning, remained still and silent. "What's the matter, dears? We don't bite," Mrs. Tomoe-Boddy said as she came into the Dining Room and sat down at the hair Mr. Boddy had pulled out for her. "I've invited you all here for an interesting reason," Mr. Boddy said as he sat down in his chair at the end of th table. "Feel free to act OOC if you wish. The program won't be affected. "The reason you're all here is that I've found out something dark and dirty about each of you, and in most cases, it's a secret you'd kill to protect. But I see you've finished your soup!" He hit a small gong that was by the table and summoned the cook. "Do bring the rack of lamb, won't you? Thank you," he said as the cook bowed and exited. "Our good Elizabeth is quite the cook," he continued. "We pay quite a fortune to keep her away from the restaurants." "What's this dark secret thing you've found out about us," Scarlet demanded, "some lie that you've seized hoping to blackmail us?" "It's hardly a lie, my dear." Boddy said, nodding as the racks of lamb were wheeled in by the maid and the cook. "The rack of lamb should be quite delicious," he said as the portions were placed in front of the guests. After the host was served, the cook and the maid wheeled out the trays and Boddy continued. "The secrets will be delivered to you with your desserts, and after dessert, we will move to the Study for brandies and coffee. Now I suggest that we eat this excellent dinner before it grows cold." With that, Boddy viciously stabbed his knife into his lamb, and the rest of the guests and Mrs. Tomoe-Boddy did the same. The rest of the meal passed in silence, except for the clink of silverware on china... * * * A slow procession of guests walked from the Dining Room to the Study, Mr. Boddy and his wife in the lead. He unlocked the door and went in, leading the guests to the couches and chairs around the room before he opened a beautifully carved armoire. With a bit of an effort, he opened the door to the armoire, and then he drew out eight small packages. "These are your secrets! Feel free to open them, and they relate to your characters here. Enjoy." Smirking, he went around the room and passed a package to each of them. Scarlet opened her package. With a gasp, she realized what she was holding: a piece of a bonbori - one of Shampoo's! Her mind flashed back to the day when she and Shampoo had come together to make a truce over Mr. Green... and she had poisoned Shampoo and shattered the bonbori to simulate an attack. Scarlet had never been indicted or even suspected... Green's package dropped a little strip of negatives into his hand: the photos of his sex change from female to male. "You bastard," he hissed under his breath. Green's sensitive job in the Secret Service prevented transsexuals from serving in the Service, and if he was caught, he'd go to federal prison for lying on his job application. Mustard's package gave conclusive evidence that he had murdered a superior officer to gain his rank, and Professor Plum's showed that she had slept with a professor in order to get her doctorate. White's was a little different - she had been a master hacker for the Japanese government before she had illegally smuggled herself into the United States. She still continued to practice her art, though... as a mercenary. Peach, it turned out, was the mother of an illegitimate child, and as a celebrity, would lose much popularity. It also held the information that she was a drug addict. Mrs. Peacock gasped. "You cruel man," she said, standing up and shaking a small leaflet at the smiling host. "I'll kill you for this!" Green managed to get a glimpse of the pamphlet - it was one advocating the complete overthrow of the United States government by force - and then it listed bombmaking paraphernilia and places where they could be obtained. "Please, Mrs. Peacock, you printed that," Boddy said, grinning from ear to ear. "I merely dug it up and saved it for you. You did that. I preserved it." "I'll kill you!" she repeated, this time with more force and rage. "Reg, dear, what's this?" Hotaru held a package in her hands. He grunted. "That's yours. Open it." Her face went white. "What? Mine? Reginald... how could you?" "Open it!" She slowly opened the box - and when she saw what was lying inside, she shrieked and passed out, slumping to the floor. A charred human hand lay inside, nestled among white satin. "She had been worshiping Manos while pretending to be a devout Shinto," Boddy said. "Hotaru's killed many women and children as a priestess." "Your own wife... how could you?" Scarlet had recovered, and she was mad. "Simple. I gained this evidence on you from legal and illegal sources. I plan to use this in order to blackmail the eight of you. There is one solution." He got up from the chair he had been sitting in and went over to a wooden file cabinet. Boddy then drew out a huge box, staggered over to the table in the center of the room, and dropped the box on the table. "The solution is absolute. The only way out is to kill me." He had a feral grin on his face. "If you do not, I will die soon of cancer, but I will make sure that you are destroyed in the little time I have left. "Look in the box. You will find different weapons of death. Use them." Slowly, the guests reached into the large cardboard box... and drew out death-dealing weapons. Mrs. Peacock, her face a cruel grimace, wrenched a steel Wrench from the box, while Miss Scarlet, the epitome of poise and control, pulled out a Revolver. The men dipped their hands in the cup, too, for Mustard possessed a beautifully wrought Knife made of gold, steel, emeralds, rubies, and a single flawless diamond. Green ripped out a crude Lead Pipe from the box. His face a picture of disgust, he held it by the end with two fingers as if it were contaminated. Miss Peach spoke. "I won't use anything _you_ supply, Boddy. I brought my own," and daintily hefted a huge Rope from her purse. Miss White concurred with Miss Peach, and unsheathed a Knife exactly like Colonel Mustard's. The Professor thought for a moment, then pulled out a Candlestick from her jacket. "I was going to take this from you, but I'll use it to kill you instead." Boddy sat back in his chair. "I will turn off the lights for five minutes. One of you will have to turn them back on." With that, he leaned back and sighed. "Now my work is done." He clapped twice, loudly - and the lights shut off. * * * Several voices rang out in the darkness, all echoing that Boddy wasn't worth killing. All the voices agreed to dump their weapons in the box, and a few seconds later, there was a great rummaging and clanking as various weapons were dropped out of play. But one guest apparently disagreed with the rest of the group - two loud gunshots were heard, and the lights turned on. Blinking, the seven guests who were awake looked around - and no one had any weapons. Everyone's weapons were in the box - but Mr. Boddy sat slumped in the baronial armchair, two neat bullet holes through his chest and head. * * * The chaos that resulted was a textbook case of mass hysteria. Mrs. Peacock fainted, while Miss Scarlet went into a screaming fit. The men just sat down and shook their heads. Mrs. White, ever clearheaded, walked over to the brandy decanter and poured herself a stiff shot of whiskey. Her hand shook, and the liquor spilled everywhere. She tossed back the shot and sat down on the couch. Hotaru, fortunately, was unconscious and missed this entire spectacle. "He's dead," Miss Peach kept repeating to herself. "He was shot dead in the chair." The Professor, however, wasn't quite as well off. She sat in a corner and rocked back and forth silently. Just then, Hotaru chose that moment to stir. She sat up... looked around... and then the saw the corpse in the chair. She drew in a deep breath... and let it out. "I thought he'd try this," she whispered. "That fool." "You knew?" Mrs. White said sharply. "Then she's in on it too!" The crowd advanced on Hotaru... "Hold it!" Colonel Mustard yelled. "She got the charred hand! She's not in the loop! She didn't do anything!" "Then we've got a problem. He told me to play this tape if he died..." Hotaru pulled a tape from between her breasts and handed it to Green, who slipped it into a convenient cassette player on the table next to the group and pressed play. "Attention!" Boddy's cruel voice rang through the room. "I am dead. If you are hearing this tape that I told my wife to play, you by now know that I have been murdered. My servant were instructed to call the police after they went home tonight. They are gone, and you are locked in this mansion. None may enter or exit. And I neglected to mention - I sent the real evidence to my lawyer. He has instructions to release the information to the police if you do not tell them who murdered me. And since the lights went out..." The tape ground to a stop. The one thought that ran through everyone's minds was this: "Crap." "Well, shit," Mustard said as he paced the room. "The lights were out, the guns were in the box, and no one saw or could see anything... this is going to be impossible." Just then, a small pinging noise sounded. "Warning: holodeck systems becoming unstable. An estimated thirty seconds remain until system crash. Please leave the holodeck immediately." An archway materialized in the Study's doorway, and the cast exited quickly - all but the body. * * * "Jack?" Hotaru ran through the corridors. "Where are you?" Her frantic footsteps rang through the satellite's myriad of corridors. "My god, what's happened?" The body in the chair... could that have been Jack? The holodeck... malfunctioned... somehow? But then if someone else had been hit... they'd have been killed.. but Jack... With a wrenched sob, she ran towards the lounge, where the other players were... * * * Ranma and Melvin sat in shock. The safety protocols couldn't have been deactivated... only Jack could have altered them... or so they thought. Perhaps it was a random malfunction after all... * * * Kodachi walked back and forth between the various rooms of the satellite. Perhaps the distance she kept would help her... * * * Setsuna was busy. She ad Molly had gone straight to Jack's room to see if this was some kind of cruel joke. When they arrived, though, nothing was there. They cautiously peeked inside... and saw only a simple black-white-and gold colored room. Apparently, he'd paneled his entire room with holoemitters so he could have anything, anytime. Ennui was eternal for him. Molly was running her hands through a closet she had found when she ran across a small cube. She pulled it out and pressed the one button on it in hopes of finding out what it was... A holographic image of Jack flashed up. "Hello, Molly. Don't ask what I am, or how I see you - we've got trouble. The body in the holodeck is indeed mine - but my essence, my spirit, whatever it may be, is trapped inside the ship's systems. You've got to get my body repaired to a working condition and then interface me with the systems. Hurry - I haven't got much time - maybe an hour or two before the crash happens." "Crash?" Molly asked, confused. "The system's can't handle my presence. It wasn't built to hold electronic entities - and I am currently an electronic entity. I can fix it for a while - but it can't last." With that, the little holo-Jack faded out to nothingness. "Setsuna, we've got a problem..." * * * Hotaru ran, and ran, and ran... and then she found herself in front of a computer. Weeping, she sat herself down in front of it and flipped it on... only to find an image of Jack on the screen. With a wrenching sob, she stood up... and the image spoke. "Hotaru-chan, calm down! Don't worry! It's me, Jack!" With an audible gasp, she sat down in the soft chair... and listened to Jack's plight. She nodded and gasped every now and again, and Jack made one last statement. "Hotaru, honey, don't worry. As long as you help, I'll be fine. Come here." With that, she put her arms around the computer terminal... and he spoke again. "Not that... this." She looked behind her... and ran towards Jack, who wrapped her in his strong arms and held her. "Shhh, dear. It's okay. This isn't really my body, you know, it's just a hologram." As she sobbed, he brought her head up just a bit and kissed her forehead. "I'll be fine. Just get my body back." A few moments later, he spoke again. "I have to go now." She nodded and released him - and the hologram disappeared into nothingness. She wiped one last tear from her eyes and walked resolutely towards the holodeck... * * * As the eight reentered the holodeck, they noticed that the study had been rearranged. It now held six weapons - and they were all different. Boddy's voice rang out again. "Find the one who killed me before they kill another. Hurry." "We must ignore the recording," Setsuna said, as she ripped off the badge. "Jack's inside the system and he needs his body back. "If he's in there, there's got to have been some kind of psychic displacement..." Amy spoke up. "But the only thing that could do that was... a youma!" Just then, the bullet-holed body rose up - and attacked! * * * Far away, in the NegaCave... Beryl sat at her crystal ball, gazing into the SOS's holodeck at the frenzied battle between the combatants. "Excellent," she muttered to herself, while motioning for Jadeite to come forward. "Jadeite, you are to go to the Satellite and help the youma. I don't like its odds." "Very well, my queen," Jadeite said, and bowed, but as he turned away, he thought that she was insane. Him and one youma against four Sailors, a ki master and an insane bomb-chucking woman? Not too good... * * * The eight fighters leapt into action. Pluto and Saturn, both lacking their weapons, stayed back, unable to do much. Ranma leapt right in, Kodachi next to him, and both attacked the youma. They appeared to be holding their own quite well - but just then, Jadeite appeared. "Stand back! He's ours!" Rini and Amy steppeed forward, rage in their eyes - "PINK SUGAR HEART..." "SHINE AQUA..." Jadeite sniffed. "Please. You think that your puny attacks can hurt me?" "ATTACK!" "ILLUSION!" The heart beam combined with the geyser as it rose from the ground - and the attacks slammed into Jadeite. Normally, attacks of that magnitude would decimate a youma, or even a Dark Kingdom general - but Jadeite stood there, completely unaffected by the blast. He held out a palm - And the Scouts recoiled in horror. There, in plain view, was the Dark Crystal. "This can take whatever you can throw at me, you fools. Care to try again?" "I will." Hotaru stepped forward, a sad determination in her eyes. She lunged at Jadeite, who knocked her out of the way - "Foolish girl. I will destroy you!" "I don't think so!" From nowhere, a cane crashed down upon Jadeite's back with the force of an EVA - a cane with the head of an eagle! Behind him stood Tuxedo Jack, a rage and fury in his eyes and body. With a single blow, he knocked the Dark Crystal from the stunned Jadeite's hand - and another swing, this time with the head of the cane, left Jadeite howling in pain. Jack had broken Jadeite's forearm and most of his hand. ''No one, but no one, picks on those in my care! EVER!" Jadeite tried to teleport out, but the shield that blocked the Scouts now blocked him too. "BERYL! You deceived me!" he bellowed as he was knocked to the floor by a dual attack from Hotaru and Jack. "No, Jadeite, I did not," Beryl's voice sounded. "You failed me by not finding the fic that would destroy their spirits and force Serenity to give me the Imperium Crystal. For this, you will die." * * * "It is time," Jack rumbled. He drew a rose and walked to Rini. "You must kill him, my dear. It is destiny." Rini nodded once, then began to power up her henshin. "Future Moon Crisis Power!" With a flash of light, she changed into Super Sailor Mini-Moon... and then she powered up the attack. "Rainbow Moon... Heart... Ache!" The all-too-familiar ribbon of hearts flew towards Jadeite... he screamed once... and then the big heart hit him, and his body was vaporized. At the same time, Ranma and Kodachi delivered one final, devastating blow to the youma, and it fell, collapsing into a pile of dust. Jack said seven words that summed up exactly how they all felt: "Let's get the hell out of here." * * * Later, in the lounge outside the Holodeck.... Molly and Melvin sat in each other's arms. For Molly, a youma attack was nothing special, but for Melvin, it was full-blown gonzo panic. Even when he had run into Zoisite and her plant monster, he hadn't freaked out - but now was something different. Setsuna and Amy were with Hotaru in sick bay reanimating the youma's corpse with the aid of the crotchety EMH. "Saving your lives is good, but returning a youma to life? Eeesh..." The EMH looked up from his tricorder. "I'm done. I did what I could. It lives. If you want to pull that guy from the system, do it now." He then vanished in a spray of atoms. Amy hooked a neural plug up to the com port in the wall. "Hope this works..." With a crossing of her fingers, she flipped the switch. Electricity crackled around the prone body - and it awakened, shaking its head and rubbing its back. "Caramba, what happened? I remember being sent into a computer and... AACK!!!! HOTARU!!! NOT SO HARD!!!!" Hotaru had grabbed him and pulled him into an embrace. "There's nothing like the real thing..." she said happily, slightly muffled by his chest. "Ho... Hotaru... I... I cn't breathe..." * * * Ten hours later, in the lounge... "So that's where we stand." Jack and Amy stood in an alcove just out of the main lounge. "The device is built, and we need to pick two people." "It's got to be Molly and Melvin," Amy said, sipping her latte. "You saw how bad the last fic hit them. They can't take another one that bad or, for that matter, the lemons she'll inevitably be sending us." "Yeah," Jack agreed quietly. "When will she learn that if we can't fight the fic, we make fun of them? We keep our sanity, and she gets angrier and sends worse fics, and the cycle repeats itself." "She'll never learn..." And as the pair gazed out the porthole into space, the Satellite began to drift in another direction, far off the mission parameters Beryl and the generals set... * * * And we now leave the Satellite with great haste, for Beryl will call soon with the next fic - somthing by Blaine, I think. Better Blaine than Hachi Machi, the Chunky Monkey, though. *Shudder* In any case, farewell! * * * AUTHOR'S NOTES God, this was crap. I'd been meaning to write a Clue-ish story with the killer being discovered just as Jadeite came in, and the youma being killed - along with Jadeite. I'm making a slight change to my fall lineup: I'm cutting "Bishouji Senshi Royal Rumble" and substituting either an EVA fic called "Attack of the Beer Cans" or a lemon called "That's What A Tail's Good For". I'm pretty certain, though, that I'll take the lemon. The season ends with Episode 108, and Blaine, parts 4-7 of your Crono Trigger fic will be pushed to the premiere of season two. This season's finale will be "Fit to be Tied", one of the _sickest_ lemons I've ever seen. Hell, it's worse than the Oscarfics that I've read. It's even a SI lemon, with Hachi Machi showing up to deal with Monkian. Could be worse, though - could be a sick yaoi lemon I saw about Card Captor Sakura's Li. I'm planning a big blowout in the season finale, with a cataclysmic battle between the original five riffers and Beryl. Ranma and Kodachi... well... I don't know about keeping them. Molly and Melvin are leaving posthaste. They were voted off the Satellite *snicker*. I'm serious! I got about fifty e-mails voting for them, twenty for Ranma, five for Kodachi (how odd - I'd think they'd vote her off first), and ten for me. The season finale: you'll have to have some Sailor Moon MP3s playing - specifically, Carry On or She's Got The Power - preferably the former. Ja ne, and get the barf bags ready! Tuxedo Jack TuxedoJack@juno.com Season One Episode 101 - Seinfeld Meets Sailor Moon (Released 7/17/00) Episode 102 - PokeSailors (Released 7/20/00) Episode 103 - Sailor Moon: Redux (Released: 7/22/00) Episode 104 - Whimsical Sailor Street (Released 8/15/00) Episode 104.5 - Special Interlude: Get A Clue (Released 8/18/00) Episode 105 - Blaine's Crono Trigger Fic Parts 1 through 3 (Estimated Release Date: 8/29/00) Episode 106 - That's What A Tail is Good For (ERD: 9/15/00) (NOTE: Lesbian lemon. Masturbation and tail penetration. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the worst: 4.) Episode 107 - AcAnime Fanfic Awards 2000 Act One (ERD: 9/30/00) Episode 108 - Fit To Be Tied (ERD: 10/15/00) (NOTE: Hell, this is without a doubt the worst lemon I've seen outside of an Oscarfic. There's yaoi with Rei, three men on Minako, two women on Makoto - the official "Dildo Policewoman" for the fic -, Ami-chan with a woman, and Usagi with relatively normal straight sex. Well, there is a _little_ bondage, but... Out of one to ten: 9.)