"Functionless art is tolerated vandalism." - Type O Negative *********************************************************************************** The Kunzite Horror Picture Show A Very... Odd... Parody by Tuxedo Jack *********************************************************************************** DISCLAIMER: I don't own RHPS. I don't own Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon. I make no claim on either, as usual. I'm not making money from this, please don't sue me, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. WARNINGS: Yaoi, but nothing explicit. Yuri... I think. Violence, angst, and cult stuff. But you all know that already. And, of course, gratuitous H-rated content. Not truly lemony, but still H-rated. *********************************************************************************** (Scene: the Black Room. JR, Rei, Nephrite, Naru, the other three Shitennou, and Beryl are there, along with Ken Ichijouji - in Kaiser form. Each is dressed as their favorite RHPS character. For purposes of fanservice, they shall be described. Rei is the narrator, Nephrite is Riff Raff, Naru is Columbia - typecasting ^_^ - Zoisite is dressed as Janet, Malachite is Rocky, Jadeite is Brad, and Beryl is Magenta. Oh, and Ken is dressed in a full-length trenchcoat. You can guess who he is. *Shudder* JR, fortunately, is relatively normal in a T-shirt and jeans.) REI: Good evening, everyone. NEPHRITE: *Grumbles* I still can't believe I'm actually doing this. BERYL: Yes, but this movie lets me draw on so much energy... JR: *Coughs slightly* There will be no draining here tonight. BERYL: Oh, yes... erm... NARU: Can we get started already? JR: Yeah, but let me say something - this was not done to bash any Sailor Moon characters. You all know that. OTHERS: *Chorus "Yes, Yeah, We Know" and stuff like that* KEN: Before we begin, does anyone have any lotion? This teddy is chafing me something fierce. *Tosses off trenchcoat to reveal a full Frank N. Furter outfit, complete with whip* JR: ... -_-'' We'll just get on with this. *Hits button* ************************************************************************************ (Fade in to studio logo. Instead of Fox, it's the Saban logo. It fades, and the lips appear.) Michiru's Lips: There were Devas And End of EVA But they told us where we stand. And Tai Kamiya was there In his underwear Natsumi was the Invisible Man. Then something went wrong For Syaoran and Hong Kong They got caught in a Clow Card jam. Then at a deadly pace Gundams came from outer space And this is how the message ran: (Lips freeze and turn gray.) Chorus: Science fiction, double feature The Digi-Kaiser will build a creature See ronin fighting Tenchi and Ayeka The dubbed version o' Cardcaptor Sakura Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... At the late night double feature picture show. (Lips unfreeze) Michiru's Lips: I knew RanmAkane Was really insane When Ryoga took to the hills And I got really hot When I saw that Manji got A sword that slices, dices, and kills. Belldandy said Prunes Gave her the runes And reading them gave her SKILLZ. But when life was a bitch Utena threw out a pitch And gave us all some thrills. Like a... (Lips freeze and turn grey again, but this time teeth are shown.) Chorus: Science fiction, double feature The Digi-Kaiser will build a creature See ronin fighting Tenchi and Ayeka The dubbed version o' Cardcaptor Sakura Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... At the late night double feature picture show. I wanna go Oh, oh, oh... To the late night double feature picture show. By Ryu-oh Oh, oh, oh... To the late night double feature picture show. In the back row, Oh, oh, oh... To the late night double feature picture show! (Scene: In front of an old ornate Shinto temple in Jyuban district. Crowds of people are out there with rice in hand.) Jyubanians: Here they come! (They cheer and throw rice all over the couple who is now emerging from the church.) Nabiki: Let's get a picture. Closer together, now... the folks and then the grandparents. Just of the close family. Ahh... hold that... beautiful. And... (Clicks the camera's shutter.) Ranma: I guess I finally did it, eh? Mamoru: I don't think there's any doubt about it. You and Kodachi have been almost inseparable since you first met in Dr. Mizuno's refresher classes. Ranma: Well... to tell you the truth, Mamoru-san... She's the only reason why I showed up in the first place. (Chuckles) That, and safe haven from Akane's mallet fits. Kodachi: Wretches, this is when you get what you deserve. (All the women - and some of the men - scream.) Ranma: Well, looks like Kodachi's going to throw the bouquet. Mamoru: I just hope it's not laced with Paralysis Powder. (Both men wince as Kodachi throws the bouquet, and Usagi catches it.) Usagi: I caught it! (Goes Mihoshi) I caught it! ^_________^ Ranma: Hey, Mamoru, looks like it may be your turn next, eh? Mamoru: Feh, who knows? (Shrugs. The car the Kunos sent for Kodachi's honeymoon pulls up.) Ranma: Well, ja ne. See you later, Mamoru. Guess we'd better be going, ne, Ko-chan? Come on, hop in. (Kodachi and Ranma do hop in - Kodachi Gainaxes along the way - and Sasuke drives them off. As the car pulls away, a sign on the back says, "Be Just and Fear Not", and an Evil Kodachi Laugh echoes down the street.) Usagi: Wasn't it wonderful, Muffin? ^___^ Wasn't Kodachi so beautiful? I can't believe it... An hour ago, he was just plain old Ranma Saotome, and now... now he's Mr. Kodachi Kuno. Mamoru: Yeah, Meatball Head, Ranma's a pretty lucky guy. Usagi: Yeah... Ikuko: I always cry at weddings... (Sniffles) Mamoru: Everyone knows that Kodachi's a wonderful cook... well, almost. (Shudder) Usagi: Yeah, almost as good as me! ^_^ Mamoru: (Slightly nauseated, then shakes it off) Yeah, and Ranma's dojo's becoming more popular every day. (A sign in the background reads, "Drink Yebisu Beer. Yebisu - pursuing a happier, more drunken world!") Usagi: Yep. Mamoru: Hey, Meatball Head? Usagi: Yes, Muffin? Mamoru: I've got some stuff to say. Usagi: Yeah? Mamoru: (Singing; sounds kinda like Mr. Garrison crossed with Sinatra) I really love the skillful way You beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet. Usagi: Oh, Mamoru... Mamoru: (Singing) The river was wide, but I swam it. (Usagi) The future is ours so let's plan it. (Usagi) So please, don't tell me to can it. (Usagi) I've one thing to say, and that's... Dammit, Usagi, I love you! The road was long but I ran it. (Usagi) There's a fire in my heart and you fan it. (Usagi) If there's one fool for you, then I am it. (Usagi) I've one thing to say, and that's... Dammit, Usagi, I love you! Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker. There's three ways that love can grow... That's good, bad, or mediocre. Oh, U-S-A-G-I, I love you so. (They walk inside the temple, where Rei's grandfather, horny little pervert that he is, is adding kindling to the Great Fire.) Usagi: (Singing) Oh, it's nicer than Kodachi Kuno had. (Mamoru) Now we're engaged and I'm so glad. (Mamoru) You met my Mom, but you dislike Dad (Mamoru) I've one thing to say and that's... Mamoru, I'm mad for you too. Oh, Mamoru... Mamoru: (Normal) Aw, dammit, Usagi. Usagi: I'm mad... Mamoru: Aw, Usagi... Usagi: For you. Mamoru: Aishiteru, Usako. Usagi and Mamoru: There's one thing left to do - ah - ooh. Mamoru: (Singing again. Get the earplugs.) And that's go see the girl who began it. (Usagi) When we met in her science exam - it (Usagi) Made me give you the eye and then panic. (Usagi) Now I've one thing to say and that's... Dammit, Usako, I love you! Usagi: Oh, Mamoru, I'm mad. Mamoru: Dammit, Usagi. Usagi and Mamoru: Aishiteru. (Fade. New scene: a well-furnished library, complete with oak desk, globe, and a large number of lamps spread around the room. Hotaru is there in a dress and short skirt. She's leafing through a book, and then she notices the camera, shuts the book, and places it on the desk.) Hotaru: I would like, ah, if I may, to take you on a strange journey. (She reaches for a black book, which is sitting next to the one she put down. Oddly, the old book is titled "Magrathea Planet Directory". She picks up the black book and opens it.) Hotaru: It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Chiba Mamoru and his fiancee Tsukino Usagi, two young, relatively normal, usually healthy kids, left Jyuban that late June evening to visit a doctor Mizuno Ami, ex-tutor, friend to both of them. (Pause) Hotaru: It's true that there were dark storm clouds. Heavy, black, pendulous clouds, towards which they were driving. What did you expect, a dancing Disney sun? (Longer pause) Hotaru: Perhaps not. It's also true that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of air, but, ufufu, being relatively normal kids on a night out... well, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest of their evening, were they? (Slight pause) Hotaru: You never know. They might have. BUT ANYWAYS... On a night out... it was a night out that they were going to remember... for a very long time... (Scene: Back inside Mamoru and Usagi's car. Priss Asagiri passes them on her Motoslave and gives them the finger as she does so.) Usagi: Weird, Mamo-chan... that's like the third morotcycle that's passed us. They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all. Mamoru: Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type. Them and youmas, anyways. Usagi: Oh... hey, Mamo-chan, what's the matter, Muffin? Mamoru: I think we took a wrong turn a few kilometers back. Usagi: Yeah, sure, but where did those motorcycles come from? Mamoru: Hmm... can't remember where... ah, well, I guess we'll just have to turn around and go back. Looks like I had an attack of the Ryoga syndrome... (Chuckles. The daimon Steering drives past them leisurely and shoots out one of their tires with a bang. It then speeds off, cackling "lovely!" all the way.) Usagi: Nani? What was that bang? Mamoru: That damn Daimon shot our tire out. Dammit! I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed. Oh, well, Usako. You stay here, and I'll go for help. Usagi: Where're you going to go in this godforsaken pit? Why not stay here and be warm with me? ^_^ Mamoru: (Gulps) ... Didn't we pass a castle down the road a ways back? There's gotta be a telephone there. Usagi: I'm going with you, Mamo-chan. Mamoru: Sorry, Usako. There's no sense in the two of us getting soaked. Usagi: I'm coming with you! Besides, we don't know if Rei owns that castle, and if she does, you'd never come back. Mamoru: (Sweatdrops) Eh, heh heh heh... (They get out of the car, and Mamoru tosses a rose into the ruined tire. They begin to walk down to the castle.) Usagi: (Singing) In the velvet darkness, Of the blackest night, Burning bright, there's a guiding star, No matter who or what you are. Usagi and Mamoru: There's a light... Chorus: Over at the Seiya place. Usagi and Mamoru: There's a light... Chorus: Burning in the fireplace. Usagi and Mamoru: There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life. Haruka: The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming. Flow, morphia, slow, let the sun and light come streaming. Into my life, into my life. Usagi and Mamoru: There's a light... Chorus: Over at the Seiya place. Usagi and Mamoru: There's a light... Chorus: Burning in the fireplace. There's a light, there's a light... Usagi and Mamoru: In everybody's life. (Scene: library. Hotaru's there, gazing evilly into the camera.) Hotaru: And so, it had seemed, that fortune had smiled on Usagi and Mamoru and that they had found the assistance that their plight required... Or had they? (Scene: outside the Seiya castle. Usagi and Mamoru are standing outside of the front door and are soaking wet.) Usagi: Mamo-chan, let's go back... I'm cold, I'm frightened, and I'm hungry. Mamoru: Hold on, Usagi. They've gotta have a phone. (They ring the doorbell, and after a short pause, the door opens, revealing Haruka.) Haruka: Hello. Mamoru: Hi. I'm Chiba Mamoru, and this is my fiancee, Tsukino Usagi. We were wondering if you could help us out a bit. Y'see, our car broke down a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we could use? Haruka: ... You're wet. Usagi: It's raining, no da. Mamoru: Yes. Haruka: Yes... I think you'd both better come inside. Usagi: You're too kind. (To Mamoru) Mamo-chan, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this? Mamoru: (To Usagi) Ah, it's probably one of those hunting lodges for rich weirdoes. Didn't think that they existed in Nihon, though. Usagi: (Sadly) Oh... Haruka: This way. Usagi: You all having a party? (Eagerly) You have any food? Haruka: You've arrived on a very special night. It's one of the master's affairs. Usagi: (Sarcastically) Oh, lucky him. (Michiru slides down a banister in a French maid's outfit) Michiru: (Fake French accent) You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! Ha ha ha ha ha! (The clock chimes seven times; Haruka and Michiru look strangely at Usagi and Mamoru) Haruka: (Singing) It's astounding. Timem is fleeting Madness takes its toll But listen closely - Michiru: (Interrupts) Not for very much longer. Haruka: I've got to keep control. I remember doing the Time Warp Drinking those moments when The blackness would hit me Haruka and Michiru: And the void would be calling... (A pair of ornate doors in front of Haruka and Michiru open, and Mamoru and Usagi are led into a hall filled with Youma, Droids, Daimons, Lemures, and Metal Senshi.) All in room sans Mamoru and Usagi: Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again! Hotaru: (in office, blandly) It's just a jump to the left. All in room sans Mamoru and Usagi: And a step to the right. Hotaru: (In office, still bland) With your hands on your hips. All in room sans Mamoru and Usagi: And bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust That really drives you insane. Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again! Michiru: (With an even cheesier accent than before) It's so dreamy, oh, fantasy free me! So you can't see me, no, not at all In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention Well secluded, I see all. Haruka: With a bit of a mind flip Michiru: You're into the time slip Haruka: And nothing can ever be the same. Michiru: You're spaced out on sensation Haruka: Like you're under sedation! All in room sans Mamoru and Usagi: Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again! Minako: (Enters bearing a cane. Now has cherry-red hair and is dressed in a gold sequined tuxedo with a matching top hat.) Well, I was walking down the street just having a think When this hunk of a guy gave me an evil wink! He shook me up, took me by surprise He ran the Crown Arcade and had the devil's eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change Time meant nothing, never would again All in room sans Mamoru and Usagi: Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again! Hotaru: (Getting into it somewhat) It's just a jump to the left. All in room sans Mamoru and Usagi: And a step to the right. Hotaru: With your hands on your hips. All in room sans Mamoru and Usagi: And bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrusts That really drive you insane Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again! (Minako squeals. She then falls neatly into an impressive tapdancing solo.) All in room sans Mamoru and Usagi: Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again! Hotaru: (Really into it. ^_^) It's just a jump to the left! (Jumps left and knocks a lamp off her desk.) All in room sans Mamoru and Usagi: And a step to the right. Hotaru: (Trying to pick up the pieces of the lamp) With your hands on your hips. All in room sans Mamoru and Usagi: You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrusts That really drive you insane Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again! Usagi: ... Mamo-chan, what is this? Mamoru: Hey, any of you guys know how to Kabuki? (The others stare at him oddly.) Usagi: Let's just get out of here, Mamoru. Mamoru: Oh, keep a grip on yourself, Usako, for Tokimi's sake. (The music in the background starts to increase in volume.) Usagi: But... it seems so dark here. Mamoru: It's just a party, Usako. Usagi: Well, unless I get some food, I want to go. Mamoru: We can't go anywhere until we get to a phone. Usagi: Well, ask the butler or someone, maybe that Daimon over there. (Points at a telephone Daimon.) Mamoru: Just a moment, Usagi. We can't interfere with their celebration. Usagi: This isn't the Senshi, Mamoru. Mamoru: They're probably gaijin with ways different than that of our own. They may do some more folk dancing. Usagi: Mou, it's cold, it's wet, and I'm just plain scared. (The elevator behind them opens.) Mamoru: I'm here, Usako. There's nothing to worry about. (They turn and see what's in the elevator. Usagi screams. ^___^) Seiya: (Steps out of elevator. Singing) How do you do. I See you've met my Faithful handygirl. She's just a little brought down Because when you knocked She hoped you'd take her for a whirl. (Seiya starts walking down the red carpet in the middle of the room towards his throne.) Don't get strung out by the way I look. Don't judge a book by its cover. I'm not much of a man by the light of day But by night I'm one hell of a lover. (Seiya reaches his throne. He then promptly tosses off his floor-length cape and reveals his Sailor Starlight - err, Frank N. Furter bondage outfit.) I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania. (Seiya starts to walk seductively towards Mamoru and Usagi.) Let me show you around, Maybe play you a sound. You both look like you're pretty groovy. Or if you want something visual That's not too abysmal, We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie. (Minako passes Seiya a glass of water. He turns to the various people in the hall and smiles.) Mamoru: I'm glad we caught you at home. Could we use your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry. Usagi: Yeah. Mamoru: We'll just say where we are, Then go back to the car. We don't want to be any worry. Seiya: (Grins _very_ naughtily) Well, you got caught with a flat, well, how about that? Well, babies, don't you panic. By the light of the night it'll all seem alright. I'll get you a satanic mechanic. (Seiya dances with Minako for a moment before sitting down on his throne. On either side of him are Haruka and Michiru.) Seiya: I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania. Why don't you stay for the night? Haruka: Night. Seiya: Or maybe a bite? Michiru: (Licks her lips) Bite. Seiya: I could show you my favorite obsession. I've been making a man With white hair and no tan And he's good for relieving my... tension. (Minako glances lustily at Seiya.) Seiya: I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania. Hit it, hit it! I'm just a sweet transvestite Seiya, Minako, Haruka, and Michiru: Sweet transvestite... Seiya: From Transsexual... Minako, Haruka, and Michiru: Transylvania. Seiya: So... come up to the lab And see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici - (Seiya pauses for three seconds and then grins wickedly.) Seiya: - pation. But maybe the rain Really isn't to blame. So I'll remove the cause (Seiya chuckles) But not the symptom. (All applaud. Mamoru and Usagi are handed towels by Haruka and Michiru and they thank said givers. After they dry off, Haruka and Michiru start removing Usagi and Mamoru's clothes. Yes, that, you baka hentais. ^_^'') Usagi: Hey! Hands off, hentai! Mamo-chaaaan! Mamoru: It's all right, Usako. We'll play along now, and we'll pull out the aces when the time is right. Minako: Slowly, slowly! (Big grin) It's too nice a job to rush. Random Daimon: It's the amazing unbuttoning shirt! (Seiya fries the Daimon with a toss of his hand.) Mamoru: Um... My name's Chiba Mamoru, and this is my fiancee, Tsukino Usagi. You are... Minako: You're pretty lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for that priviledge. Mamoru: People like you, maybe. (Touji walks in from offstage) Touji: Feh! I've seen his lab. (Touji's prosthetic arm falls off with a thud. Cursing, he carries it offstage. Haruka pours wine from a bottle into a well-crafted glass, Usagi and Mamoru, now divested of everything save their underclothes, are ushered into the elevator, and Haruka swigs from the bottle.) Haruka: Come on, you two. The master doesn't like to be kept waiting. Minako: Shift it. (Haruka drops the bottle, Usagi screams, and the elevator starts to rise.) Usagi: Is he your husband or something? Haruka: The master is not yet married, nor do I ever expect he shall be. We are simply his servants. Usagi: Oh. (Sweatdrops. The elevator doors open, and Usagi and Mamoru glance around the lab, which has a balcony all around it, and the balcony's covered with youma, droids, daimons, and so on. They then exit the elevator in this order: Usagi, Mamoru, Michiru, Minako, and then Haruka.) Seiya: Michiru, Minako, go assist Haruka. I will entertain... ufufufu... (Chuckles nervously) Mamoru: Chiba Mamoru. And this is my fiancee, Tsukino Usagi. (Mamoru says Tsukino like "to-suck-ino".) Usagi: Tsukino. (She pronounces it correctly.) Mamoru: Tsukino? Um... Seiya: Enchante. (Bows and kisses her hand. Usagi giggles like Chibi-Usa on a sugar high.) Well! How nice! And what... charming... underclothes! But here, put these on. (Passes them a pair of smocks, which Usagi and Mamoru put on.) They'll make you feel less vulnerable. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... (gazes at Mamoru evilly) hospitality. Mamoru: Hospitality?!? All we asked is to use your telephone, by Amaterasu, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore. Usagi: Mamo-chan, don't be ungrateful. Mamoru: Ungrateful! Seiya: How forceful you are, Mamoru. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... dominant. (The youma, droids, daimons, an so forth laugh for a second.) You must be awfully proud of him, Usagi. Usagi: Well, yeah, I guess I am proud of Muffin here. Seiya: (To Mamoru) Do you have any tattoos? Mamoru: Certainly not! Seiya: A pity. (To Usagi) Oh, well, how about you? Usagi: No. (Giggles a bit like Minako on a sugar high.) Haruka: Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your word. (Seiya spills some wine on Haruka.) Seiya: Tonight, my unconventional convetionalists, you are about to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research... and paradise is to be mine... (Sips at a fresh glass of wine) It was strange the way it happened... suddenly you get a break... whole pieces start to fit into place, not a sign of being... what a fool! The answer was there all the time... it took a small accident to make it happen... AN ACCIDENT! Michiru and Minako: An accident! Seiya: And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, that SPARK that is the breath... Yes, I have that knowledge, I know the secret... to LIFE ITSELF! You are fortunate, for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be born! (Michiru and Minako grab the edges of the cloth covering the tank) Seiya: Up now! Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator... and step up the reactor power THREE MORE POINTS! (You get your standard grade-B psychedelic swirling fluid thingy happening in the tank, and the colors, in order, are white, blue, red, green, orange, amber, aquamarine, garnet, and purple. Don't ask... unless you're an otaku, you'll never get it. ^_^) (Kunzite places his hand on the rim of the tank and speaks some gutteral gibberish) Seiya: (Gasps in joy) Oh! Kunzite-sama! Kunzite: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread. Oh, woe is me, my life's a misery. Oh, can't you see that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed. All: That ain't no crime. Kunzite: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread. All: That ain't no crime. Kunzite: My high is low, I'm dressed up with nowhere to go. And all I know is that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Kunzite: Oh, ho, no no All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Kunzite: Oh, ho, no no All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Kunzite: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head. All: That ain't no crime. Seiya: Well, really. Kunzite: And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the thread. All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Kunzite: Oh, ho, no no All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Kunzite: Oh, ho, no no All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Kunzite: Oh, ho, no no All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Kunzite: Oh, ho, no no All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Sha-la-la... Seiya: Well, really, that's no way to behave on your first day out. Kunzite: (Grovels like a cowardly puppy) Seiya: But since you're an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to forgive you. Kunzite: Ugh, ugh. (General applause. Kunzite claps like a young child.) Seiya: Oh, I just love success. Haruka: He's a credit to your genius, master. Seiya: Yes. Michiru: A triumph of your will. Seiya: Yes. Minako: Feh, he's okay. Seiya: ... Okay? (He smacks the edge of the tank.) Okay! I think we can do better than that! Well, Usagi, Mamoru, what do you think of him? Usagi: Well, I don't like a man with too many muscles. Seiya: I didn't make him for you! He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval. (Singing) Seiya: A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds Will get sand in his face Whe kicked to the ground. And soon in the gym with a determined chin The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause Will make him glisten and gleam. And with massage, and just a little bit of steam, (Seiya runs a finger down Kunzite's chest) He'll be pink and quite clean He'll be a strong man. Oh, honey... All: But the wrong man. Seiya: He'll eat nutritious protein... And swallow raw eggs.... Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and... legs. Such an effort; if he only knew of my plan. In just seven days... Seiya, Daimons, Droids, and Youma: I can make you a man. Seiya: He'll do press-ups and chin-ups; do the snatch, clean, and jerk. He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work. Such strenuous living I just can't understand, When in just seven days, oh, baby, I can make you a man. (A small beeping sounds, and then...) (Yaten roars in on a motorcycle out of the vault and tears around the chamber, scaring the hell out of everyone.) Minako: YATEN! ^________^ Yaten: (Singing) Whatever happened to Saturday night When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright? It don't seem the same since cosmic light Came into my life, I thought I was divine. I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go, And listen to the music on the radio; A saxophone was blowin' in a rock 'n roll show. You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time. (Yaten and Minako dance. To put it mildly, Seiya is pissed off.) Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. (To Minako) My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled. My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt. I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine. Get back in front, put some hair oil on Takahashi was singing her very last song. With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along. It felt pretty good. Woo! You really had a good time. (Yaten and Minako drop to the floor, and they begin making out. Amid the grunts and moans... this is heard...) Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. (Seiya's now verily pissed off. To put it mildly, we're talking Limit Break, Ether Aura, Critical Hit, Golden Bird Holy Flower Dragon Tooth Glory Punch, and so on... but wait, there's more! He stalks over to a box on the wall and pulls out an alpinist's pick.) Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. (Seiya charges Yaten, ether aura blazing. Yaten sees Seiya, lets out an "eep", and runs for the vault. Seiya then chases him into the vault, and a few moments later, we hear Yaten's screams as Seiya brutally murders him using the pick. Blood flies out of the vault in copious quantities, then mist, then leather apparel and roses. A shout of "Star Serious Laser!" is also heard. Seiya then comes out of the vault, wielding his bloody pick. He grins evilly.) Seiya: One from the vaults. (Seiya chuckles like Naga.) (Michiru strips off Seiya's bloody gloves and carries them off.) Kunzite: Ugh... Seiya: Oh, baby, don't be upset. It was a mercy killing. He had a certain naive charm, but no muscle. (Kunzite flexes a bicep) ... Oh! Seiya: (Singing) But a deltoid and a bicep, A hot groin and a tricep Makes me, ooh, shake, makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the... ha-ha-hand. Seiya and crew: In just seven days I can make you a man. Seiya: I don't want no dissension, just dynamic tension! Usagi: I'm a muscle fan. Seiya: In just seven days, I can make you a man, Dig it if you can In just seven days, I can make you a man! (Jumps into Kunzite's arms and is carried towards the bridal suite.) Droids, Daimons, and Youma: Seiya and Kunzite, rah-rah-rah! Seiya and Kunzite, rah-rah-rah! Seiya and Kunzite, rah-rah-rah! Seiya and Kunzite, rah-rah-rah! (Back to the library. Hotaru holds a brandy snifter in her hands. After sniffing at it, she gulps down the contents in one gasp. She then coughs and gasps.) Hotaru: There are those who say that life is an illusion and that reality is but a figment of the imagination. If this is so, then Usagi and Mamoru are quite safe. However, the sudden departure of their host... and his creation... into the seclusion of their bridal suite had left them feeling both apprehensive and a feeling which grew as the other guests were departed. They were then shown to their rooms... (Haruka and Michiru take Usagi and Mamoru to their rooms, and Usagi bumps into the basin in her room. She then sits down. Mamoru, in the meantime, enters his blue room.) Usagi: Damn metal basin... (There is a knock at the door) GYAH! Who is it? Who's there? Seiya: (Mamoru) It's only me, Usako. Usagi: Oh, Mamo-chan, come on in. (There are gratuitous naughty shadows courtesy of a backlight behind the curtains on her bed.) Oh... Mamo-chan... Muffin... Yes, my darling, but what if... Seiya: (Mamoru) It's all right, Usako, everything's going to be all right. Usagi: Oh, I hope so, Muffin... Oh... aah... aaaaaah... (She accidentally pulls off Seiya's wig) MOU! It's you! Seiya: I'm afraid so, Usako, but isn't it nice... Usagi: You beast, mabodo... what have you done to Mamo-chan?!? Seiya: Oh, well, nothing yet. What, you think I should? Usagi: You tricked... I wouldn't have... I've never... NEVER... Seiya: Yes, yes, I know... but it isn't all that bad, is it? I think you really found it quite pleasurable. Usagi: Oh, stop... I mean help! Mamoru! Mamo-chan! Seiya: Urusei! Besides, Mamoru's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like _this_! (He pulls her legs up into the air.) Usagi: Feh, it's nothing he hasn't seen on hentai sites... I mean... Like this?!? Like how?!? Oh, it's your fault... you're to blame... I was saving myself... Seiya: Well, I'm sure you're not _spent_ yet... Usagi: (Pause) Promise you won't tell Mamoru? Seiya: (Wolfish grin) Cross my heart and hope to die... (Assorted sexual noises and shadows are seen and heard. Just before this fic reaches NC-17 level, there's a scene change, and Haruka, Michiru, and Kunzite are sitting in a room. Haruka walks over to Michiru, they confer for a moment, and then Haruka walks over to Kunzite and scares the hell out of him with a candelabra. Kunzite runs off, climbs down the elevator shaft, and Haruka throws a candle after him. She then walks back ot Michiru. SCEEEEEENE CHAAAAAAANGE... Mamoru's room. He's lying there, and Seiya, disguised as Usagi [though how the hell he does it I can't imaging], walks in and lies next to him. And here comes the yaoi...) Seiya: (Usagi) Oh, Mamo-chan, darling, it's no good here. He'll destroy us. Mamoru: Don't worry, Usako. We'll get out of here in the morning. Seiya: (Usagi) Oh, Mamo-chan, you're so strong and protective. (Assorted naughty shadows are seen again, and then Mamoru accidentally pulls off Seiya's wig...) Mamoru: Ah, ah, ah... OH! YOU! Seiya: I'm afraid so, Mamoru, but isn't it nice? Mamoru: Why YOU! What have you done with Usagi? Seiya: Why, nothing. What, you think I should? Mamoru: You tricked me, I wouldn't have... never... never... never... Seiya: Yes, yes, I know... but it isn't all that bad, is it? I think you really quite enjoyed it. (Mamoru starts to moan. Seiya gets a hentai grin.) Seiya: Oh... so soft... Mamoru: Stop it... stop it... oh, Usagi... USAKO! Seiya: Urusei! Besides, Usagi's probably asleep by now. Do you want her to see you like _this_! (He pulls Mamoru's legs up into the air.) Mamoru: Feh, she's seen it on the Net before... erm... Like this? Like HOW?!? You're to blame, I thought it was the real thing... Seiya: Oh, come on, Mamoru. Admit it, you liked it, didn't you? It isn't a crime to give yourself over to pleasure, Mamo-chan. We've wasted so much time already. Usagi needn't know; I won't tell. Mamoru: !!! Well, promise you won't tell... Seiya: On my mother's grave... (His communicator starts beeping.) Haruka: Master, Kunzite has broken loose and has vanished. Your new playmate is loose and somewhere on the grounds... and Michiru just released the Lemures. Seiya: Hmm? Coming! (Scene: The control room. Usagi's sitting there.) Usagi: Oh, Mamoru, Mamo-chan, my darling. How could I have done this to you? Oh! If only we hadn't made this journey... if only the car hadn't broken down... if only we were among friends... or sane persons... oh, Mamoru, Mamoru, what have they done with you... (She looks at the screen and sees him with Seiya) Usagi: Mamoru, Mamoru, how could you? (She fondles a handle on the wall naughtily. Over in the corner, Kunzite emits moans and general cries of pain.) Usahi: Oh, you're hurt... Did they do this to you? I'll heal your wounds. Moon healing escalation... (Kunzite is healed. He touches her hand, and she looks around and smiles.) Hotaru: (Is now holding a half-empty bottle of red wine) Emotion: agitation or disturbance of the mind. Vehement of excited mental state. It is also a powerful and irrational master... and from what Michiru and Minako eagerly viewed on their television screens there seemed little doubt that Usagi was indeed its slave. (Michiru and Minako are on top of a bed and are watching the monitor.) Michiru and Minako: Tell us about it, Usagi. (Back to Usagi and Kunzite in the control room.) Usagi: (Singing) I was feeling done in... couldn't win... I'd only ever kissed before. Minako: You mean she... Michiru: Uh-huh. Usagi: I thought there's no use getting Into heavy petting It only leads to trouble And seat wetting. Now all I know is how to go I've tasted blood and I want more. Michiru and Minako: More, more, more. Usagi: I'll put up no resistance I want to go the distance I've got an itch to scratch I need assistance. Toucha toucha toucha touch me I want to be dirty Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me Creature of the night. (Kunzite ducks under Usagi's outstretched right leg.) Then if anything grows while you pose I'll oil you up and rub you down. Michiru and Minako: Down, down, down. Usagi: And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction. You need a freindly hand and I need assistance. Minako: Toucha toucha toucha touch me Michiru: I wanna be dirty Minako: Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me Michiru: Creature of the night. Usagi: Toucha toucha toucha touch me I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me Creature of the night! Kunzite: Creature of the night. (Various characters appear in various states of attire above Usagi due to her incited emotional state.) Mamoru: Creature of the night? Seiya: Creature of the night. Michiru: Creature of the night. Haruka: Creature of the night. Minako: Creature of the night. Kunzite: Creature of the night. Usagi: Creature of the night. Ooooooooooooooooh! (Back to the control room, where Haruka is being whipped by a very pissed-off Seiya. Say thank you, Haruka! Say it in FRENCH!) Haruka: Owww! Mercy, master! Mercy! Seiya: How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching! Haruka: I was only away for a minute... master... (Seiya tosses his whip to the other hand, and whips Haruka with a backstroke.) Seiya: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor. Haruka: (Looking at the monitor) Master, master! We have a visitor! Mamoru: Mizuno-sensei! Dr. Ami Mizuno. Haruka: You know this earthling... er, this person? Mamoru: Why, yes! She's an old friend of mine. Seiya: I see. So this wasn't a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose. Mamoru: I told you, dammit, my car broke down! I was telling the truth! Seiya: I know what you told me... but this Dr. Ami Mizuno... her name is not unknown to me. Mamoru: She was a science teacher at Jyuban High School! Seiya: And now she works for your government, doesn't she, Mamoru? She's attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call UFOs, and she's working with that Kaji chap I killed days ago! Isn't that right, _Mamoru_? Mamoru: She might be... I don't know. Haruka: The intruder in entering the building, master. Seiya: Shell probably be entering... in the Zen room, yes. Shall we inquire of her in person? (Seiya grins and activates a hidden electromagnet. Dr. Mizuno is pulled up a flight of stairs, a second flight of stairs, a balcony at the top of the stairs, the author typing the script, six doors leading to the theater, Minako and Michiru [who are busy groping and kissing], a laboratory wall, and into the control room.) Mamoru: Great scott! Ami: Seiya Furter, we meet at last. Mamoru: Mizuno-sensei! Ami: Mamoru, what are _you_ doing here?!? Seiya: Don't play games, Dr. Mizuno! You know perfectly well what Chiba Mamoru is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his female should check the layout for you. Well, unfortunately for you, all your plans are to be changed. You must be adaptable, Dr. Mizuno. I know Mamoru is. Ami: I can assure you that Mamoru's presence here comes as a complete surprise. I came here to find Yaten. Mamoru: Yaten! I've seen him! Seiya: Yaten? What do you know of Yaten, Dr. Mizuno? Ami: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see, Yaten happens to be my nephew. (Seiya gasps and turns off the electromagnet.) Mamoru: Mizuno-sensei... Usagi: (From inside the tank with Kunzite) Mou... (Usagi and Kunzite stand up inside the tank and cover themselves with red fabric.) Ami: Usagi! Usagi: Mizuno-sensei! Mamoru: Usako! Usagi: Mamo-chan! Seiya: Kunzite! (Kunzite doesn't say anything, not even with grunts.) Ami: Usagi! Usagi: Mizuno-sensei! Mamoru: Usako! Usagi: Mamo-chan! Seiya: Kunzite! (Kunzite doesn't say anything, not even with grunts... again.) Ami: Usagi! Usagi: Mizuno-sensei! Mamoru: Usako! Usagi: Mamo-chan! Seiya: Kunzite! (Kunzite doesn't say anything, not even with grunts.) Seiya: (To Kunzite) Listen, I made you, and I can break you just as easily. Michiru: (Smashes a gong) Master, dinner is prepared! Seiya: Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional. (Back to Hotaru's office. She's now holding a plate of nihon soba.) Hotaru: Food has always played a vital role in life's rituals. The breaking of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man, and then this meal. However informal it might appear, you can be sure there was to be little... bonhomme. (Haruka wheels in the dinner, opens the silver lid, and places the platter on the table. Seiya whips out a chainsaw, cuts the meat to pieces, and serves it. Haruka and Michiru then serve the wine.) Seiya: A toast... to absent friends. All: To absent friends. Seiya: And to Kunzite. (Singing with Usagi) Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday, dear Rocky... (The singing trails off.) Seiya: Shall we? Ami: We came here to discuss Yaten. Minako: Yaten... (She sniffles, and Seiya threatens her with the chainsaw.) Seiya: That's a rather... tender... subject. (Evil grin.) Another slice, anyone. Minako: Excuse me... (Exits. The sounds of a scream and intestinal distress are heard from offscreen.) Ami: I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I imagined... Aliens! Kunzite: Ugh? Mamoru: Mizuno-sensei! Seiya: Go on, Dr. Mizuno. Or should I say Dr. VON Mizuno. Mamoru: Just what exactly are you implying? Ami: It's all right! Mamoru: Mizuno-sensei! Ami: It's all right, Mamoru. (Singing) From the day he was born He was trouble... He was the thorn In his mother's side. She tried in vain... Hotaru: (In her office holding up a picture of Whistler's Mother) But he never caused Her nothing but shame. Ami: He left home the day she died. From the day she was gone All he wanted Was Rock 'n' Roll porn And a motorbike. Shooting up junk... Hotaru: He was a low down cheap little punk! Ami: Taking everyone for a ride! All: When Yaten said he didn't like his Army Men You knew he was a no-good kid, But when he threatened your life with a switchblade knife... Seiya: What a guy! Usagi: Makes you cry. Ami: And I did. Minako: Everybody shoved him. I very nearly loved him. I said, "Hey, listen to me! Stay sane inside insanity!" But he locked the door and threw away the key. Ami: But he must have been drawn Into something, Making him warn Me in a note that reads... All: What's it say? What's it say? (Closeup of the letter.) Yaten's voice: I'm out of my head. Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. They mustn't carry out their evil deeds. All: When Yaten said he didn't like his Army Men You knew he was a no-good kid, But when he threatened your life with a switchblade knife... Seiya: What a guy! Usagi: Makes you cry. Ami: And I did. All: When Yaten said he didn't like his Army Men You knew he was a no-good kid, But when he threatened your life with a switchblade knife... Seiya: What a guy! Usagi: Makes you cry. Others: Hey, hey, hey. Ami: And I did. (Seiya grimaces at the singing, pulls off the tablecloth from the table, and lets everyone see Yaten's bloody, mangled, ruined, stinking corpse. Everyone screams once, twice, and then Usagi runs into Kunzite's arms.) Seiya: Kunzite! How could you? (He slaps Usagi, and general mayhem ensues as he chases her around the room. Haruka and Michiru laugh, then Haruka yells, and all falls silent.) Seiya: (Singing) I'll tell you once, I won't tell you twice. Usagi, you ain't too wise. Your apple pie don't taste so nice. Usagi, you ain't too wise. I've laid the seed; it should be all you need. You're as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or flat string. When we made it, did you hear a bell ring? You gotta block? Well, take my advice. Usagi, you ain't too wise. The transducer will seduce you. (Seiya leaps to the laboratory wall and throws a switch.) Usagi: My feet! I can't move my feet! Ami: My wheels! Amaterasu, I can't move me wheels! Mamoru: (Tries to move his feet, which are in socks.) It's as if we were glued to the spot! Seiya: (Smug) You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools! Usagi: We're trapped! Seiya: (Smug) It's something you'll get used to. A mental mind fuck can be nice. Ami: You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic transducer... it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibrato-physio-molecular device? Mamoru: You mean... Ami: Yes, Mamoru, it's something we ourselves have been working on for quite some time. But it seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it. A device capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space, and, who knows, maybe even through time itself. Usagi: You mean he's going to send us to another planet? Seiya: (Singing) Planet, shmanet! Usagi, you ain't too wise. You better wise up, build your thighs up, You better wise up... Hotaru: And then she cried out... Usagi: Stop! Seiya: Don't get all hot and flustered! Use a bit of mustard. Mamoru: You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, Seiya Furter. (Seiya freezes Mamoru.) Ami: You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, Seiya Furter. (Seiya freezes Ami.) Usagi: You're a hot dog - (Seiya freezes Usagi and grins evilly) Minako: My God! I can't stand any more of this! First you spurn me for Yaten, and then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Kunzite! You chew people up and spit them out again. I loved you... I loved you! And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell you - a big nothing. You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, and drain others of their love and emotion. Yeah, well, I've had enough. You're gonna choose between me and Kunzite, so named because of the rocks in his head. (Seiya sighs and freezes Minako.) Seiya: It's not easy having a good time... (Seiya freezes Kunzite.) Even smiling makes my face ache... and my children turn on me... Kunzite's behaving just the way Yaten did... do you think I made a mistake, splitting Yaten's brain between the two of them? Michiru: Ahh! I grow veary of this vorld! Vhen shall ve return to Transylcania, huh? Seiya: Michiru, I am indeed grateful for both you and Haruka. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood strikes me, I can be quite generous. Michiru: (Angrily) I ask for nothing... nothing. Seiya: (Pissed off) And you shall receive it... in abundance! But come, we are ready for the floor show! (Back to Hotaru's office. She now has a Bible in her hand.) Hotaru: And so, by some extraordinary conincidence, fate, it seemed, had decided that Usagi and Mamoru should keep that appointment with their friend, Dr. Ami Mizuno. But it was to be in a situation which none of them would have possibly foreseen. And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement, Usagi and Mamoru had both tasted... Forbidden Fruit. This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals... and some persuasion. What further indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of the floor show that is spoken of? In an empty house? In the middle of the night? What diabolical plan had seized Seiya's crazed imagination? What indeed? From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be no picnic. (Back to the lab. Seiya's running around, making preparations on stage while the others are frozen on the stage. He's wearing a thick facial treatment. He then sits down in a chair and unfreezes Minako.) Minako: It was great when it all began. I was a regular Seiya fan. But it was over when he had the plan To start a-working on a muscle man. Now the only this that gives me hope Is my love of a certain dope. Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from trouble and pain. (Seiya unfreezes Kunzite.) Kunzite: I'm just seven hours old, And truly beautiful to behold. And somebody should be told My libido hasn't been controlled. Now the only thing I've come to trust Is an orgasmic rush of lust. Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from trouble and pain. (Seiya unfreezes Mamoru.) Mamoru: It's beyond me, help me, Mommy! I'll be good, you'll see. Take this dream away. What's this? Let's see, I feel sexy! What's come over me? Whoa! Here it comes again. (Seiya unfreezes Usagi.) Usagi: I feel released, bad times decrease. My confidence has been increased, reality is here. That game has been disbanded, my mind has been expanded. It's a gas that Seiya's landed! His lust is so sincere. (The fanfare and the Ryu-Oh logo appear and play.) Seiya: Whatever happened to Fay Wray? That delicate, satin-draped frame? As it clung to her thigh How I wanted to cry 'Cause I wanted to be dressed just the same. (Seiya kicks a lever, and the stairs to the pool descend.) Seiya: Give yourself over to absolute please. Swim the warm waters of the sins of the flesh. Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure, And sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh... (Seiya jumps in the pool, and the mist blows away. The others turn, walk to the pool, and leap in.) Seiya: Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. All: Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. (Ami is unfrozen.) All but Ami: Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Ami: Gyah! We've got to get out of this trap Before this... decadence... saps our wills. I've got to be strong and try to hang on Or else my mind may well snap and my life will be lived... for the thrills! Mamoru: It's beyond me; help me, Mommy! Usagi: God bless Lilly St. Cyr. Seiya: My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my... my! I'm a wild and untamed thing. I'm a bee with a deadly sting. You get a hit and your mind goes ping. Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. So let the party and the sounds rock on. We're gonna shake it till the life is gone. Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from trouble and pain. All: We're a wild and untamed thing. We're bees with a deadly sting. You get a hit and your mind goes ping. You're heart'll thump and your blood will sing. So let the party and the sounds rock on. We're gonna shake it till the life is gone. Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from trouble and pain. (Haruka and Michiru appear in the back of the aisle in space suits. Haruka has her Space Sword in her hand.) Haruka: Seiya Furter, it's all over. Your mission is a failure. Your lifestyle's too extreme. I'm your new commander. You now are my prisoner. We return to Transylvania. Prepare the transit beam. Seiya: Wait! I can explain! (Seiya whispers some instructions to Minako and Kunzite. They nod, then dash off to their respective places. Minako turns on a stage light, and Kunzite flips some switches on a light control board. Seiya is then illuminated by a spotlight. His shadow shows his ponytail twitching and writhing.) Seiya: On the day I went away... All: Goodbye. Seiya: Was all I had to say... All: Now I... Seiya: I want to come again, and stay... All: Oh, my, my, my... Seiya: Smile, and that will mean I may. 'Cause I've seen, oh, blue skies Through the tears in my eyes And I realize... I'm going home. (Michiru yawns.) Seiya: Everywhere it's been the same... All: Feeling... Seiya: (Sits down on stage edge) Like I'm outside in the rain... All: Wheeling... Seiya: Free to try and find a game... All: Dealing... Seiya: Cards for sorrow, cards for pain. 'Cause I've seen, oh, blue skies Through the tears in my eyes And I realize... I'm going home. Seiya and all: I'm going home... I'm going home... I'm going home. (Applause, and then the audience disappears.) Michiru: How sentimental. Haruka: And how presumptuous of you. You see, when I said _we_ were to return to Transylvania, I referred only to Michiru and myself. I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but, you see, you are to remain here... in spirit, anyway. (Ami realizes what Haruka's Space Sword is.) Ami: Great heavens! That's a laser! Haruka: Yes, Dr. Mizuno. A laser capable of emitting pure antimatter. Mamoru: You mean... you're going to kill him? What's his crime? Ami: You saw what happened to Yaten. Society must be protected. Haruka: Exactly, Dr. Mizuno. And now, Seiya Furter, your time has come. Say goodbye to all of this and hello to oblivion. (Minako screams. Haruka shifts her aim from Seiya to Minako and fires off a blast from the sword - screaming "Space Sword Blaster" while she does it. The shot hits Minako square in her breasts, and she collapses to the ground, Gainaxing once more before dying. Seiya has taken the opportunity to try to flee by climbing the curtain, and Haruka blasts him next. Seiya screams and collapses to the floor, and the curtain falls on him as he dies. A black rope falls on top of that pile.) Haruka: Dusted. (Kunzite jumps on top of the pile, pulls out Seiya's corpse, and moans over it before picking it up. Haruka blasts Kunzite in his chest, his back, and his shoulder as Seiya tries to take his master's body out of the chamber. He starts to climb the Ryu-Oh set, and Seiya's corpse takes a shot, which overbalances the set and makes them fall into the pool, thus killing the Kunzite creature.) Usagi: Oh! You killed them! Michiru: But I thought you liked them. They liked you. Haruka: They didn't like me! They never liked ME! (Haruka aims her gun at Ami.) Ami: You're O.K. by me. Haruka: Dr. Mizuno, I'm sorry about your nephew. Ami: Yaten? Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best. Heh, heh, heh. Haruka: You should leave now, Dr. Mizuno, while it is still possible. We are about to beam the entire house to the planet Transsexual, in the galaxy Transylvania. Go... NOW. (Usagi and Mamoru wheel Ami the hell outta there.) Haruka: (To Michiru) Our mission is completed, my most beautiful _cousin_, and soon we shall return to the moon drenched shores of our beloved planet. Michiru: Ah, sweet Transsexual, land of night. To sing and dance once more to your dark refrain... To take that - step, to the right... Both: HAH!! Haruka: But it's the pelvic thrust... Youma, Daimons, Droids, Lemures, and Metal Senshi: That really drives you insane! Michiru: And our world...will do the Time Warp...AGAIN!!!! (Usagi and Mamoru carry Ami to her car, and they drive off just as the entire castle blasts off like a rocket.) Hotaru: And crawling on the planet's face Some insects, called the human race... Lost in time, and lost in space, And meaning. (Fade to black.) *********************************************************************************** The Kunzite Horror Picture Show Cast Tsukino Usagi as Janet Weiss Chiba Mamoru as Brad Majors Kou Seiya as Frank N. Furter Kunzite as Rocky Tenou Haruka as Riff Raff Kaiou Michiru as Magenta Aino Minako as Columbia Mizuno Ami as Dr. Scott Tomoe Hotaru as The Narrator Saotome Ranma as Ralph Hapshatt Kuno Kodachi as Betty Monroe Various Youma, Droids, Daimons, Lemures, and Metal Senshi as the Transylvanians Tendo Nabiki as the Wedding Photographer *********************************************************************************** (Back to the Black Room. Half the people who were there are gone, and the other half are passed out over the couches or are throwing things at the people who are passed out.) REI: ... I fail to see the point of this picture. BERYL: It's quite simple, Rei. *Whacks Jadeite, who's passed out on top of her, with a hot dog* It's just to make people go insane and crack under its own insanity. REI: ... If you say so, Beryl-san. JR: *Runs in with Ken hot on his heels* Dammit, Ken! I am _NOT_ Mamoru! Get that through your fucking head! KEN: You'll have to do until I can get that Daisuke or Takeru! REI: ... JR, should I? JR: *Grabs a can of Mace and sprays Ken with it just as the evil genius takes a breath* ... No, I'll do it. *He kicks Ken, walks over to his desk, and pushes a big red button on it.* (FWOOSH) \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ ----0---- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ ********************************************************************************** AUTHOR'S NOTES ... God help me. I'm going insane... I have no idea what possessed me to write this. I really don't want to know, but I think it was that time I watched three hours of the Smurfs. That broke my spirit. Anyways, back to the serious stuff. MSMT3K's third episode of Season 3 will be here in about five days (ETA: 03/05/2002), and it's a doozy. 20K of pure text went into this, and about 50K came out. And just to be sure, I'm not sleeping until it's done. Nope, no slee - *Snore* Ja ne! Tuxedo Jack TuxedoJack@juno.com "By Adlehyde, what have I done?"