"Kitto, ichiban yaritai, koto, honto wa shitetta, funzuketeru 
suni ka demo dekiru sa JYANPU!"

Five will get me ten that no one gets that quote.

*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*

Tuxedo Jack and Craptacularly Spignificant Productions prenent

- with apologies to Takuechi and Akamatsu -

		Over-Violent Student Double Hail Hina
 		   A Crossover that Should Never Be
				  Part 5!

*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*

Disclaimer: I don't own the series mentioned herein. I 
certainly don't own that busload of drunken frat guys
who just happened to show up at that theater last week.
(It's not my fault. Really, it isn't.)

This still diverges from the BSSM/LH timelines. I don't
think you want to deal with the dealings of mucking around
in the possibilities of timeline fusion. It's not pretty.
>_< Besides, the probability factors are a pain to deal
with, especially when you try to get two Narusegawas to 
kiss each other.

*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*

Last time on ACTSNB:

- Keitaro was captured by the Dark Storage Shed's forces!
- Liddite was resurrected and Saraite was killed.
- Kanako discovered Keitaro's secret! Worry!

And now, on with the show!

Episode 5:
"I'll Go Anywhere for You!"

*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*

Keitaro sighed.

He wasn't tired, nor was he exasperated.

And for once, it wasn't because Naru was beating the living
crap out of him.

No, it was because he was tied down by his wrists and
ankles to an extremely confortable bed. Said bed was
currently in the possession of the rulers of the Dark 
Storage Shed, Dark Queen Kanako and the Formless Black 
Mass.

Keitaro sighed again. While the sheets - dark red silk -
were soft and smooth, he felt that he'd much rather be
somewhere else, especially since the silk was having the
expected effect on him.

"'Nee-chan? You mind letting me loose?"

In the next room over, Kanako shook her head and sprayed
herself with a quick mist of perfume - "Eau de Seductive."
"Sorry, oniisama, but you're here for two purposes, and
the Formless Black Mass isn't going to let you go." She
grinned wickedly. "Besides, you're going to have a little
_fun_ while we're here."

Keitaro's nose started to dribble blood, and Kanako slipped
in and placed a tissue under it. "Oniisama, don't worry.
It won't hurt... much."

It was then that Keitaro noticed what Kanako was wearing,
and he promptly spewed a gusher of blood from his nose and
passed out.

Kanako sighed and stretched, making her dark red lace teddy 
(which, quite frankly, made her even more of a knockout
than normal) stretch, her loose black chiffon robe billow, 
and, in general, become nearly transparent in some areas.

"Poor oniisama. I might have to dig out those books on
acupuncture soon."

*	*	*	*	*


"RONIN PUUUUUNCH!"

Liddite was sobbing now, not even trying to gain his dignity.
Tuxedo Ronin stood there, her fist still curled into a ball,
and she kept drawing it back.

"Are you going to tell me _NOW?_"

Liddite merely whimpered, and Ronin sighed.

"You really like pain, don't you?" She drove her fist towards
him, but then stopped. "I have a better idea." She turned to the
now not-crying Sailor Shefu. "Hey, you! Come on over here!"

Shefu complied, bring the still-dining Sailor Mecha with her in
one hand and her Kebab Glaive in the other. "Yes, Tuxedo-senpai?"

Ronin blinked. To her, it was almost as if she knew Shefu from
somewhere, but it kinda put her off, especially since Shefu was
carrying a froody glaive, and not many Senshi carried weapons
of any sort (unless you counted Uranus and her Space Sword...
or Chi, Phi, and Pluto with their staffs... or... okay, I'll
stop here). As is, Shefu's style of speaking was kind of suspicious.

"Tuxedo-senpai?" Shefu sounded on the brink of tears again. "Um,
what do you want me to do to Liddite?"

Ronin grinned. "I think it's time that we did something fun."
She laid Liddite up against a tree. "Okay, buddy, tell us where
they went."

Liddite shook his head. Despite his incredible pain, he still
resisted. "No!"

Ronin smirked. "I'll rip 'em off."

Liddite blinked. He clearly hadn't considered that. "They're
not far off!"

"Aaau, where are they?" This time, it was Shefu talking. "Tell
us where Senpai-senpai is..." She blinked. That sounded weird.
"Or I'll cut 'em off!" She swung her Kebab Glaive at him, and
he flinched.

"THE DARK STORAGE SHED!" Liddite was clearly terrified now.

"Wai! Now tell us who took him, or Suu-chan's gonna crush them!"
Mecha grinned, and was suddenly no longer transformed.

Liddite smirked. "That doesn't scare me! She's been pounding on
them for a good hour now!" He leapt up and scampered up the tree
(hey, he is a stuffed squirrel). "You can't catch me!"

Sailor Shefu immediately started crying. "Aaaau, Suu-chan, when
you did that it helped him!"

"Gomen," Suu said, putting her hand on the back of her head and
sweatdropping. "But Shinobu-chan, at least we know where Senpai-san
is!"

Shefu immediately broke down into full-fledged Usagi-waterworks
crying. "AAAAU! Now they know who I really am!"

Ronin blinked. "You two are Sailor Senshi?"

"Hai, Ronin-sempai," Sailor Shefu said, and threw her Kebab Glaive
at Liddite, pinning him to the tree. However, since the Glaive
had two prongs, it merely pinned him to the tree and didn't impale
him.

Damn, and I so wanted squirrel stew.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Jesus, now PETA's going to be on my ass 
about this just like when they went after Iron Chef Kobe when he
beat a dead octopus with a daikon radish.

But back to the story.

Shefu detransformed, and there standing before Tuxedo Ronin was
the inseparable pair of Shinobu and Suu. "Gomen nasai, Ronin-senpai!
We should have told you sooner, but it helps if we don't tell
people our secret identities!"

Of course, since Shefu had detransformed, the Glaive had 
disappeared, and Liddite wriggled free of the tree. "Dammit! This
time, you're all toast!" A huge blast of dark squirrely energy
formed at his... paws, or whatever the hell they are. (He's a
plushie. It beats the hell out of me.) He turned towards the
two detransformed Senshi, and prepared to let fly.

Ronin leapt in front of them and shielded them with her cape,
but she knew it wouldn't be enough...

"YAKUSOKU CANNON!"

The blast of pure white energy caught Liddite in his midsection,
lifted him up, and threw him about fifteen feet. He lay there, 
looking for all the world to be nothing more than a rag doll,
and coughed. "Damn you, woman, you've gone and done it again.
It was the wrong zarking time at the wrong zarking place..."

With a final scream of "BOOZE!" Liddite vanished into stardust.
The Liddo-kun plushie returned, though, and it landed in the
now-conscious Sailor Yakusoku's arms.

"Ara ara, I didn't think it'd do the job this time," Sailor
Yakusoku said through a grin. "Generally, when things are
remade, they're made stronger."

"_You,_" Tuxedo Ronin said with a hint of distaste in her voice.
"Haven't you had enough of this yet?"

Yakusoku detransformed, and Mutsumi shook her head. "Ara ara,
of course not. I like being a Sailor Senshi, and besides,
it means I get to stay near my dear Kei-kun."

Ronin was nearly foaming at the mouth. "'_Your_ dear Kei-kun?'
I've got news for you, Mutsumi - he's not yours to take!"

Shinobu blinked. "Does this mean that Urashima-senpai is...
but... aaau..."

Suu shrugged. "Meh, no surprise. Every girl there likes him!"

*	*	*	*	*

Elsewhere, Masaki Tenchi sneezed.

*	*	*	*	*

In Nerima, Kuno thought he sneezed, but it was really just a fart.

In a satellite somewhere in deep space, Ranma Saotome sneezed.

Kodachi would have done her Evil Bitch Laugh, but she was
on that satellite with Ranma and watching a bad fanfic at the time.

*	*	*	*	*

Ronin blinked. "But only Naru should have him!"

Mutsumi put her finger to her lip. "But Naru-san, don't you think
that he should be free to choose who he wants to be with?"

Tuxedo Ronin facefaulted. "You saw through my disguise? How the hell
did you do that?"

"My fault," Kitsune said, coming up behind Mutsumi. "You know how I get
when I'm wasted."

Ronin detransformed. "Kitsune, I told you that was a secret!"

She snorted. "Oh, and like Sailor Sake isn't."

The two were about to start fighting, but Shinobu stepped in. "Um,
Kitsune-san, Naru-senpai, shouldn't we go after Urashima-senpai?"

Everyone blinked, and Naru and Kitsune stepped away from each other.

"Ara ara, that's more like it," Mutsumi said happily. "Now all we have
to do is get Kei-kun back!"

"And he's coming home with me," Naru shouted.

Everyone pumped their fists in the air. "TOGG!" (3)

*	*	*	*	*

Keitaro was still unconscious.

Kanako was still sitting by his bedside, but she was fiddling
with his handcuffs. "Damn things are too loose! I don't want
him getting out of here so fast... but I don't want him to
chafe either..."

She tightened one, and then stepped back. "That ought to do it!"

Just then, a wave of force swept over her, and she knew that
her last minion had been demolished. Kanako sighed. "It's so
hard to find good help these days." She thought for a moment.
"How the hell am I going to find someone to keep those pesky
Sailor Senshi out of my hair while I do things to oniisama that
only perverted doujinshi writers and ecchi fanboys dream about?"

She looked around the throne room (which, as one will remember,
originally looked like a nice, respectable villain's cave. It
had since been transformed into a bordello, the likes of which
were rivalled only by the most gaudy of French palaces) for something,
anything, that she could animate and send against the Senshi.

Then it hit her.

Literally.

Saraite's old mask fell off the shelf it was on and clobbered
Kanako on her head. After swearing quite loudly, she picked it
up and threw it against a wall, shattering it into six pieces.
It was then that she grinned.

She had an evil idea.

Not eeeeeeevil, but evil.

You can tell the difference.

She drew out the last reserves of ki that she had and threw it
into the mask's six shards. Each arose from the ground as the
spitting image of Keitaro Urashima, down to the very smallest
detail.

While Kanako thought about keeping them for herself for a moment,
the sound of approaching footsteps outside the Dark Storage Shed
banished those thoughts, and she pointed towards the door. "Go!
Kill the Sailor Senshi so I can have oniisama for myself!"

The six Keitaros bowed and vanished.

Kanako ran back to the chamber where the Formless Black Mass
hung in the air. The FBM seemed to be perturbed. "Kanako, why are
you here? You've got your end of the bargain. Have you got the
energy of the Yakusoku for me?"

Kanako shook her head. "My queen, I've not got it yet. Give me
just a little longer! Oniisama's the key to it all!"

The FBM seemed to sweatdrop. "Urashima? The key to the Yakusoku?
You must be joking."

"No, mistress! He's Sailor Senpai! He's the one who controls
the Yakusoku, and he's one of the Two!"

It blinked. "The Two? Then he may be useful after all. I just
hope that you can keep the Sailor Senshi away while you extract
the power necessary from him."

"That's the catch, majesty." Kanako sighed. "I don't know how to
get the Yakusoku from him."

The FBM smirked... or would have smirked, since it didn't exactly have
a mouth per se. "You know how. All it takes is the Promised One... 
and a kiss."

Kanako blinked. "Then why the hell didn't I do that before?"

"I don't know, Kanako-chan. Now get out of here and get the energy!"

Kanako fled the throne room, and the FBM sighed. "All the knowledge
I have - hundreds of years of it, and the traditions - they're not
going to help me now. It all depends on her... no matter how much I
hate to admit it."

*	*	*	*	*

"It's got to be here somewhere!"

The six Senshi - well, five Senshi and one Shoujo-Kamen - were
frantically searching the Hinata-Sou.

What were they searching for, you ask?

"I found it!" Shinobu said, running down the stairs with a large
package in her hands. "I knew Urashima-senpai left it here!"
She passed it to Naru, who gently unwrapped it.

"Ara ara, what is it, Naru-san?"

Naru winced. "It's his family's sword."

Suu blinked in surprise. "Keitaro's family sword?"

Naru nodded. "The Hina Blade. Supposedly, it sealed away a powerful 
force ages ago, and it can do so again, but it'd take a pretty strong
bad thing to do it." (4)

Mutsumi giggled. "I know what'll do it, Naru-san!"

"Oh, you do, do you?" Kitsune said from her prone position on
the couch.

"The Yakusoku's power should give it enough energy to do what 
it needs to!"

Suu nodded. "The turtle lady's right; that thing's powerful
enough to do the job. But that means that..."

Mutsumi smiled. "That only the true Promised One can wield this
sword correctly." She bit her lip. "Or Kei-kun, come to think of it."

"What do you mean?" Shinobu said. "Urashima-sempai can't use his
family's sword! He said he doesn't know how!"

Mutsumi patted Shinobu on her head. "Ara ara, he can use the power of
the Yakusoku. He just doesn't know how." She pouted - rather cutely, I
might add. "Come to think of it, so can I."

"Then let's go get him!" Suu yelled, and the six started towards 
the door leading to the outside.

*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*

Next time on OVDSDHH:ACTSNB - 

- Power! More strong bad power thingies!
- Charge! The Senshi attempt to rescue Keitaro!
- Baka! Mallets and youma and punches, oh my!
- Ecchi! Keitaro's panties show up again!
- Zap! The power of the Yakusoku shows up!


All this and more, next time on OVSDHH:ACTSNB!

*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Yosh!

Part five is complete. Two parts to go!

... At least, that's what I've got planned. It may be more,
it won't be less, but it'll be fun.

On the other front, the eeeeeevil that I'm working in my
Golden Sun 2 rare item/RNG/drop method FAQ is complete. It's
kinda cheating, though, but it's good. You can find it on Angelfire
in the following directory:

/gundam/SatelliteSenshi/gs2dropfaq.txt

For some reason, Fanfiction.net seems to remove all URLs from
stuff that's posted (even in .txt format), and that's rather
screwy. However, since they do that, I can't post the full link,
but I know that you're good enough with web addresses to fix that
error.

Next on the agenda, it seems that the Digital Millenium Copyright Act
has an interesting clause. Apparently, no one other than the person
who bought a DVD/VHS program can watch it. That means that Blockbuster
and Hollywood and all those companies are in violation of the law,
so you can use that argument to make them remove your late fees (Try
it. They took my late fee of $250 off when I did it). However, this 
also means that you can't watch a movie with your friends, and personally, 
I think that sucks, and since you bought/rented the movie, and it was 
_your_ money, you've bought the rights to do whatever with it. Write your 
congressman/woman and complain about it. (This applies to CDs and tapes 
and the like, too, just so you know. Congratulations, we're all federal-level 
felons!)

Lastly, I finally bought jumper tabs, so I can hook up my laptop's hard 
drive to my Presario 4504 and get access to the stuff that's on there,
so I've still got the Blainefics and a bunch of other stuff to MST. With 
any luck, I can get the archives I've got back to normal. There's no way 
in _hell_ I'll put the Oscarfics on that hard drive, though. They're 
reserved for the secure, encrypted vault I've got on this hard drive...

And the web archive that I'm making of the worst fanfics in history.

Lastly, your reviews influence the ending of this. I've planned out five
possible endings, and your reviews influence which one you see first! So
review, or I start doing Kana Himezaki's 10-reviews-for-the-next-chapter
thing.

Anyways, ja ne!

Tuxedo Jack
May 6th, 2003