"His concept was a little weak today." - Kishi Asako * * * * * * * * * * * Tuxedo Jack and Craptacularly Spignificant Productions present -the meaning to life/a flying circus/a complete waste of time (take your pick)- -with apologies to Akamatsu and Takeuchi- Over-Violent Student Double Hail Hina: A Crossover that Should Never Be PART 3! * * * * * * * * * * * Disclaimer: I don't own LH or BSSM. This disclaimer is copied and pasted as needed, except for this bit. Or is it? I don't know myself. This branches off from the LH and BSSM timelines a whole hurkin' lot, so bear with me. * * * * * * * * * * * Previously on Twenty-four... er, OVSDHH:ACTSNB... -Keitaro transformed into Sailor Senpai... again... -The reason for Queen Kanako's Dark Storage Shed was revealed -Haitanite learned that when you get drunk, anything in a fuku can spike your interest, much to his eventual dismay And now, we continue with this series of dubious quality... * * * * * * * * * * * "So, Keitaro, you've killed yet another one of your friends," Tama myuued at him. "Don't worry about it." "Easy for you to say," Keitaro groused. "You're not the one who's now a lone ronin." Kitsune snickered. "Hey, there's always Naru. You two could hook up." Keitaro's eyes bulged and he almost sweatdropped at the suggestion. "No way! She's vicious, violent, and vulgar!" He mumbled something else under his breath that Kitsune only partially caught. "What was that?" "Nothing..." Tama smiled. "He said, and I quote, 'Judging by the underwear she wears, I'd die of blood loss.'" Kitsune burst out into gales of laughter, while Keitaro blushed beet-red and nearly passed out. "You think hers is risque? I should show you mine!" Keitaro did pass out that time. * * * Downstairs, Naru answered a knock at the door. "Oh, hey. Did you forget your keys or something?" Shinobu blushed. "No... I just went out to get something, and Suu went with me, but she had the keys, and now she's off somewhere, and I couldn't get in." Naru shrugged. "Don't worry about it. At least that pervert bastard didn't get to you." Shinobu's eyes widened. "Pervert? Who?" "That new kanrinrin we've got. He - OOF!" Naru suddenly realized two things. One: When the wind was knocked out of you, it hurt to move. Two: That the weight of a small girl can be a lethal projectile if used correctly. "Kyaa, Suu, get off of Naru-senpai!" Shinobu then blinked. "Wait, how did you get inside anyways?" "I used the magical mystical back door thing!" Suu beamed, and Naru sweatdropped. * * * "So you sent Saraite to infiltrate Hinata-sou?" Kuro said, moving his paw off his bishop. Kanako nodded. "The results should be quite good. The end of Tuxedo Ronin, the capture of onii-sama, and the power of the Yakusoku twisted to meet my ends." She moved her queen, and promptly took Kuro's knight. "Just like Shiraite and Haitanite got the energy you needed to summon forth the hordes of demons that only that kendo girl could get through?" He moved a rook to counter the queen. Kanako frowned. "They were failures, both at getting into Todai and being evil henchmen. Number 347 was better." She threw a bishop of hers in to protect the queen. Kuro smiled. "Yet you led them on, and they failed miserably." He clicked a pawn down on the square where Kanako's queen was. "Checkmate." She looked over the board in astonishment, and he was right. She hadn't a single move left. "How'd you do that?" "The same way you come up with your evil plots. Practice." * * * Keitaro awoke. Now, it wasn't odd that he awoke; he did that every morning. But he awoke with his head on something unusually soft and comfortable, and he saw a pair of dark eyes staring into his. "Oh, good, you're awake," the vision said, her short dark hair whirling around her head. "Naru-senpai! He's up!" Keitaro shuddered. To deal with Naru so soon after passing out... well... having to deal with her while awake was one thing. Doing so while semiconscious was infinitely worse. He shifted as if to get up. The girl shook her head. "No, senpai, just rest. You've lost a lot of blood. That nosebleed you had must have been a gusher." She blushed. "I'm Shinobu, by the way. Maehara Shinobu." As she said that, the small - yet lethal - weight of Kaolla Suu landed on Keitaro's stomach. "And I'm Suu! Wanna play?" Without waiting for a response, she turned to the doorway. "Mecha-Tama, GO!" The giant mechanical turtle promptly sparked, plotzed, and crashed through the floor. Suu sweatdropped. "Whoops." Keitaro moaned. "Great. Just great. I bet that the next thing I find out is that I've got to give up my room to some new tenant or something." "Ara ara, do you think that this is a doujinshi or something?" Keitaro turned towards the doorway, where a stunningly beautiful raven-haired woman was making her way around the hole left by the Mecha-Tama. The real Tama rested on her head with a contented smile. "Oh, boy," Keitaro sighed. "Another person to clean up after." "Not me, actually," the woman said. "I live down the block, and I'm just visiting for a minute. My name is Otohime Mutsumi, and I'm from Okinawa." * * * Urashima Haruka took another drag on her cigarette. "So, you're asking me to watch this kid for you while you go off to some far-off country to do a dig?" "That's right!" Seta said cheerfully. "Her name's Sarah MacDougal, and she's a real doll. You'll love her." "Right," Haruka murmured. _Maybe I can dump her on Keitaro._ "When does she get here?" "Right about now, actually," Seta said, looking at his watch. Just then, the front door of Haruka's teahouse burst open, and Saraite stormed in. "Papa, you're leaving me here?" _Gotta put up a good show or he'll get suspicious,_ Saraite thought. _Of course, the mind control doesn't hurt._ "Yep, honey. You get to stay with Haruka and her nephew while I get stuck going off to some godforsaken hellhole." * * * Tama sighed. "So you had to give up your old room to the new girls. How bad could it be?" "I don't really mind that," Keitaro said, placing his shirts inside his dresser. "It's just that there's a hole in the ceiling, and above it is... _her_ room." "Oh, calm down about Naru!" Tama snapped. "I admit, she's violent, but it's not as if she's..." Tama drifted off mid-sentence. "... Not as if she's what?" Tama shook her head. "Nothing. Listen, Keitaro, I've got to go check some things out." She flew out of the room. Keitaro sighed, and took off his shirt. "You'd think that the blood wouldn't stain it - it never did before." Just then, Naru poked her head down through the hole in the ceiling. "Hey, Keitaro, have you seen my Liddo-kun?" He turned. "No, I haven't seen him, Naru. Do you mind? I'm changing clothes here, and I don't want you clobbering me for acting like a 'pervert.'" "I hadn't thought of it, Keitaro - not until you brought it up!" Naru pulled her head up through the hole and then poked it back down again. "Oh, and you know that the practice exam is in two weeks, right?" "Of course," Keitaro blustered. "I'll do fine." Naru shrugged. "I just thought you might have wanted someone to study with." She pulled her head back up and disappeared through the ceiling. Keitaro just stood there. _She'd want to study with me? Why me?_ And then... _Oh, boy. There's no _way_..._ Just then, a crash sounded from downstairs, and Keitaro dashed out. "What the hell was that?" "MYUU!" (1) Tama was struggling frantically to get free of the grasp of a weird creature, which seemed to look like a huge African tribal mask with arms and legs. The creature kept grabbing at the mark on Tama's back, and she kept squirming. "Oh, man, just what I didn't need, not so soon after Haitanite..." Keitaro grimaced at the memory of the Shironin feeling him up in his drunken stupor and shuddered involuntarily. "But it's to save Tama, so... Todai Ronin Power, MAKE UP!" Yadda yadda yadda, 30 second gratuitous henshin sequence with quick nude flash, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, Keitaro ending up in short skirt and arriving on the scene as Sailor Senpai, blah, blah, blah, yackity smackity. "Stop, evil villain! I'm Sailor Senpai, and I won't let you... YEOW!" Senpai dodged the attack the monster threw at him. "The HELL? I always got to finish my speeches before!" "This thing isn't a Shironin, Senpai," Tama shouted. "It's a YOUMA!" Senpai blinked. "A youma? Cool. I've always wanted to fight one." He then was promptly clobbered by a flying mask that the thing threw. "I didn't want to have the crap beaten out of me, though!" Tama flew behind a lamp. "Then attack already!" "Right!" Senpai powerposed. "Todai... Exam..." The youma threw another mask at him, knocking him out of his attack power-up sequence. "Yakitori Skewer!" Long skewers of roast chicken (or penguin, if you hate Pen^2-sama) flew through the air and embedded themselves into the youma's mask. The youma actually stopped its attack to take a look at the attacker, and Sailor Shefu stood in the light of the doorway with Sailor Mecha next to her. Shefu seemed to be holding something - by the (too bloody bright) light of the door, Senpai made out that it was a beautifully crafted Chinese cleaver. (If you've having trouble imagining this, watch "Iron Chef." Look at Iron Chef Chen Kenichi, and then think of his knife crossed with a gigantic glaive. That's kinda the image of this blade, which henceforth will be called the Kebab Glaive.) "Heralded by the calling of a boiling pot, I am here, appearing beautifully, Sailor Shefu!" Sailor Mecha didn't bother with a speech. She just kicked the monster in its face, and the monster even had a small nosebleed, since, as per the norm, she flashed her panties at it when she kicked. (2) As the monster fell back, it fired off a string of ribbon that caught Mecha and tied her up, then flung her into Shefu, knocking both Senshi out cold and making Senpai sweatdrop. "How the hell am I supposed to fight this thing? It's not like Haitanite or Shiraite - it doesn't display any human weaknesses!" "That's because it's not human, idiot!" Tama myuu-ed at him from behind the lamp. "That explains why it's not fighting like them!" Keitaro promptly jump-kicked the youma, who then collapsed sobbing due to the traditional panty flash it got from seeing Keitaro's attack. It cried and wailed for a minute, then burst into flames and exploded. Keitaro detransformed, this time flashing a full frame of nudity (sans the traditional black bar) and sat down on the couch. He then promptly got back up again due to the flaming youma guts that were all over the couch and shook off the residue on his now-clothed rear. * * * * * * * * * * * * Somewhere out in reader-land, people were busily ordering barf bags for any future Keitaro henshin sequences. * * * * * * * * * * * * Naru wandered into the living room. "Hey, Urashima, did you clean out the onsen yet?" Keitaro sighed. For reasons unknown, he was sitting on a freshly cleaned couch with one fast-asleep detransformed New Generation Senshi under each arm. However, since he didn't have three arms, Kitsune lay draped across his lap. Suffice it to say, Naru grew incensed. "Making moves on my best friend... _AND_ a twelve-year-old girl... and another one... at the SAME TIME?!?" Keitaro whimpered. "Naru-san, it's not what it looks like, believe me..." Naru drew back her fist, then let it drop. "Oh, well, I've got something that's a better punishment for you." She turned to the door. "Come on in!" Saraite walked through the door. The first thing that ran through Keitaro's mind was "Aww, how kawaii." Shortly after that, he reconsidered that, and noted that if _Naru_ said that she was better punishment than a Naru-punch, he should be worried. _Very_ worried. Saraite bowed and smiled. "Hey, I'm Sara. Who the hell are you?" The kanrinrin blinked. A ten-year-old cursing? He turned to look to Naru, only to find her scampering out the door and gigglebouncing like Mai Shiranui on a sugar high. "Oh, we're going to have _lots_ of fun. Hey, how much does this vase cost?" Keitaro moaned in agony as the vase hit the floor. "Whoops." Saraite giggled. * * * * * * * * * * * * About 200 feet away in the Dark Kingd... err, Storage Shed... Queen Kanako knelt before a white altar. "Oh, great mistress, accept this humble energy to power our machinations of evil... and stuff." A formless black mass emerged from a bust of a strikingly beautiful woman on top of the altar. "You're drawing a good amount of energy, Urashima, but you'll need more for our objectives to be fulfilled. Perhaps it's time you made a play to open up the powers latent in the girl." Kanako shook her head. "No, that's been done. John Biles did the whole Orgasm Crystal thing to death. Besides, I don't want those useless things. I want onii-sama." The formless black mass sighed and shrugged. "Fine, fine, go get your older brother. By the gods, I would think that you'd choose someone more powerful and tasteful." "You mean you," Kanako purred. The FBM seemed to blush. "You already know my feelings towards you, Urashima. You're my servant, and I gave you near-immortality and incredible power in exchange for eternal servitude. That, and one of your nice, fluffy bagels every morning." "Oh, so you want to chew on my nice soft bagels?" The FBM didn't say anything. "Yeah, be quiet. We all know you want this." Kanako dropped the shoulder cover off her blouse, and the FBM immediately seemed to start blushing. "You'll get what you want... maybe before I get what I want, but you... you're part of what I want." The FBM dissipated quickly, and Kanako pouted. "Damn. I'd wanted to have a little... fun... with her." She licked her lips. "I wonder how Saraite's doing?" * * * * * * * * * * * * Much crashing and shattering was going on in Hinata-sou. Keitaro had chased Saraite outside, and was promptly berating her with all the force of a righteous mother, when something in the bushes rustled... And it wasn't Suu. Keitaro immediately ran off, knowing it to be something big, evil, and scary, but Saraite just stood there, expecting the worst and knowing that she could beat the living shit out of it with her "Mask o' Death©". And what to the reader's wondering eye should appear... But an unshaven, slightly drunk, and _very_ disheveled Liddite. Saraite's eyes went wide, and she hissed at him, "What the FUCK are you doing here? I'm running this operation!" "Aw, shove it, toots," Liddite muttered. "I want that power, and if I get it, Queen Bitchy back there's gonna lay off me for a while, so I can have my holiday on Aopulco and 'play' with the electric soldier Porygon." Saraite shook her head. "This end of the operation is mine. You've got ten seconds to leave, or else..." "Do your worst, kid!" Liddite sneered. "I can outbitch you any day of the week and twice on Sundays!" Saraite screamed. "NARU-SENPAI! HELP! THAT PERVERT'S TRYING TO HURT ME!" Liddite blinked. He hadn't figured on that. And inside the Hinata-Sou, Keitaro heard her call instead of Naru, and he went through his henshin sequence (which is now completely uncensored due to massive protests by the fangirls) and burst through a nearby window to land on top of Liddite. "Have no fear, little girl! I, Sailor Senpai, defender of the... hey, where's the guy that was bothering you?" Liddite promptly threw Sailor Senpai twenty feet away in a very un-stuffed animal-ish manner. "Me, goddammit, and I'm Liddite, the fourth Shironin! I've been to a South Los Angeles high school, and I'm gonna go nuclear on your ass!" And he promptly did. For the next five minutes, Senpai was in hitherto unexperienced realms of pain as Liddite proceeded to inflict every possible injury he could think of on him. However, when Liddite came to the titty twister... "What the hell? Nothin's there!" Senpai took the opportunity to use his panty flash attack, which caused Liddite (and the readers) to collapse to the ground and start writhing in pain. He then proceeded to start drop-kicking Liddite all over the place like a giant stuffed kickball. "Bad squirrel!" *PUNT* "Try to preach good stuff to me, will you?" *PUNT* "You aren't going to be _MY_ friend!" *KER-WHAMMO* Liddite flew back into a tree and collapsed. Saraite stepped back in abject horror at the sight of the new Sailor Senpai in front of her, and she grinned. "Do it again!" And Senpai did just that. However, Liddite had apparently been playing Capcom Vs. SNK 2 while he was cleaning the high school's bathrooms, for he performed a fancy air counter move that sent Senpai back, but still in a ready position. "Todai... Exam... SURGE!" The papers flew towards Liddite, but he shrugged them off. "Ain't gonna work, buddy! I'm stuffed! You hear that? S-t-u-f-f-e-d! Like an Oreo!" "You shouldn't be so mean to Senpai-kun," a soft voice chimed from the rooftop nearby. All the people on the field looked to see who spoke, and on the roof was a woman dressed in - suprise, surprise, a seifuku - with tones of green and the words "ara ara" printed on the back. "It's just not... nice..." The Senshi fell off the roof and promptly landed on Liddite, crushing him, and making Senpai and Saraite sweatdrop and go SD for a second. She then woke up to see him under her. "Ara ara, Liddite-kun's so bold!" She stood up and pointed her finger at his head, which wasn't moving due to the fact that he'd just had a stunningly beautiful woman with... erm... nice watermelons... land on top of him. "Try to be nice from now on, all right?" She cocked her finger gun. "YAKUSOKU CANNON!" Senpai gasped at the name - and so did Tuxedo Ronin, who was sitting and observing from her nearby vantage point in a tree. The blast of pure, focused energy tore Liddite to pieces, and he shouted "LIQUOR!" before he died. Nearby, a small, non-living Liddo-kun plushie drifted into the new Senshi's arms, and she hugged it in a rather kawaii manner. "Thanks for the help," Senpai said to the newcomer. "So just who are you?" She turned to face him. "Ara ara, you don't know?" He shook his head. "Watashi wa Sailor Yakusoku, but you can call me Mutsumi!" At this, Saraite and Tuxedo Ronin facefaulted. Senpai just gawked. In the Dark Storage Shed, Dark Queen Kanako blinked. And in the real world, the reader plotzed. Feel free to do so now. * * * * * * * * * * * * AUTHOR'S NOTES Finally got the goddamn thing done. ^_^ A day without sleep really does wonders for the creativity, ne? Forgive the delays in this and the reposting of MSMT3K's host seggies. I got my hands on FF7 and Golden Sun 2, and I've got college finals, so I'm gonna be kinda busy until mid-May. That doesn't mean I'm stopping writing, though, so watch for me. Next time: - Senpai and Yakusoku explore the past! - Ronin wonders about the present! - And Dark Queen Kanako plots for the future! All this, more, and plotzing next time on OVSDHH:ACTSNB! Ja ne, Tuxy April 24th, 2003