"Evil! EEEEEVIL!" - Hecubus * * * * * * * * * * * Tuxedo Jack and Craptacularly Spignificant Productions present -a fic not from sound mind or body- -with apologies to Akamatsu and Takeuchi- Over-Violent Student Double Hail Hina: A Crossover that Should Never Be PART 2! * * * * * * * * * * * Disclaimer: Again, I don't own LH or BSSM. Xing can be dipped in Alpo and fed to poodles for deleting my MSTings, and the Giant Flaming Fruitfly of Doom will come for those who do not leave reviews. * * * * * * * * * * Previously, on OVSDHH:ACTSNB... (Boy, that's hard to pronounce.) -Keitaro discovered that living in a girl's dorm isn't all it's cracked up to be (unless you count his skull, which _is_ cracked up like it shouldn't be) -Tama-chan bestowed the power of the Todai Ronin upon Keitaro, which turns him into Sailor Senpai, who (unfortunately) wears a short skirt and looks like a Sailor Venus cosplayer - a _male_ Sailor Venus cosplayer. -A whole bunch of screwy-ass characters showed up, ranging from Dark Queen Kanako to Shiraite to Sailor Shefu. However, I'm not going to use precious space describing them; you can go back and read the previous chapter. Just press the back button. Thaaaaat's right, that one. And now on with the not-quite-so-good show... * * * * * * * * * * Urashima Keitaro sat down on a conveniently placed park bench, which, ironically, was in the park in the town of Hinata. He leaned his head back and stared off into the blue. "Being a Sailor Senshi isn't as easy as I thought it would be. There was the whole short skirt thing... and then those two weird sailors who showed up... and then Tuxedo Ronin. God, she's beautiful." Unfortunately for him, Naru Narusegawa was passing by at the moment. She overheard this soliliquoy, and paused for a second, blushing. "Could he mean me? I mean, I'm the only woman he's met lately, other than his aunt... and that'd be just weird." "Red hair..." Keitaro mumbled. "That's the only clue I've got as to who she is..." All of a sudden, the back legs of his bench broke - be it from rust or the heavy weight of his thoughts, we'll never know - and it tipped backwards, tumbling him right into line under Naru's skirt. "Whoa, MAMA!" The ground below Keitaro was suddenly drenched in blood. "PERVERT!" And Keitaro once again flew into orbit courtesy of Narusegawa Super-Punch Airlines. * * * Meanwhile, in the Dark Kingdom... Dark Queen Kanako stared broodingly into the orbs before her. She stared. And stared. And stared some more. Eventually, she blinked, and Kuro smirked. "Ha. I told you cats had more control than humans." "Oh, shut up. So how much energy did Shiraite get for us before the mysterious Sailor Senpai took him out?" "None." Kuro sighed. It generally wasn't healthy to make Kanako mad, as Liddite had found out last night after he had returned from taping his television program. He'd come up with some poor excuse, and Kanako had found out that he wasn't telling the whole truth. The punishment she gave him was horrifying... He had to clean the bathrooms of a public American high school for a month. Kuro shuddered. "That's just cruel, what you did to Liddite." Kanako glared at Kuro. "He deserved it. He's been working on a cutesy kids' show and not getting energy for me." Kanako turned towards the legions of evil minions that stood around in her throne room. "Haitanite, step forward!" The new warrior of the Shironin did so, and he gingerly stepped around the pile of youma poop that was on the floor. "Yes, my Queen?" "Go forth and fetch me energy in the way that only you can." Haitanite thought for a second. "Fail exams and hit on women?" "NO! Go get a woman's energy when whe's in an inebriated state!" "Then you'll show me your righteous rack?" Kanako sterted to nod, then caught herself and threw Kuro at Haitanite, who fled the Dark Kingdom via the front door. Haitanite then emerged in front of the Hinata-Sou storage shed, which now sported a sign on the door - "Daaku Kinudomu no Kanako. No entry." He sighed. "That sign's going to be the death of us someday." * * * Keitaro continued flying through the air. "Wow, this is the longest I've ever flown thanks to the Naru-punch. It's almost as long as the time Tuxedo Ronin punched me..." He caught himself, and laughed. "That girl? Tuxedo Ronin? Yeah, right!" Then he frowned. "They do look a lot alike..." Right about then, gravity decided to exert its power over him, and he crashed into the hot springs at Hinata-sou. With the speed borne of terror, he looked around to see if he was alone in the baths... a few seconds later, his fear was alleviated, and he ran out to find some dry clothes. He made it to his room and was stripping out of his clothes when a soft "myuu"-ing came from the corner of his bed. He spun around. "Geez, Tama, did you _have_ do scare me like that?" The turtle sighed. "You're supposed to be the defender of the innocent! You can't be scared by a turtle!" "You just startled me, that's all," Keitaro said. "So was that guy I fought yesterday..." "One of the Shironin, yeah," Tama myuued from her comforatble spot. "His name was Shiraite, and before he went to work for the Enemy, he went by the name Shirai in your world." Keitaro's jaw dropped. "You mean I killed Shirai?" "Well, you didn't really kill him," Tama replied. Keitaro sighed in relif. "I'd say that the skewers nicked a few veins, and that giant mecha turtle must have liquified some of his internal organs. Your Todai Exam Surge just gave him tons of paper cuts." Keitaro facefaulted. "You mean he's _DEAD_?!?" "Hey, he chose to work for the Enemy. To quote Popeye, 'ya pays ye money, and ya takes yer chances.'" "So what did you mean by Shironin? There's four ronin?" "Yes. There's Shiraite, as you know, and I think that the next one is Haitanite. I'm not entirely sure, because our normally precise source of information -" Tama nodded to Keitaro's Magic 8-Ball - "isn't too forthcoming right now. All I get from it is 'ask again later.'" And with that, a knock sounded from the door. "Keitaro? Can I talk to you for a minute?" Tama immediately resumed her "kawaii turtle" guise, and Keitaro opened the door to admit Naru into his room. "Naru? Why didn't you just use the hole in the ceiling like you normally do?" Naru frowned at him. "Because Liddo-kun is gone, and I can't find him anywhere. I was wondering if you knew where he was." "Nope, no clue," Keitaro said, a look of puzzlement on his face. Tama merely sweatdropped. "And another thing... what was that thing yesterday?" "It was Shirai, once," Keitaro said. "I don't know what it became." "Oh." Naru frowned. "Anyways, I'm going out. If any of the other girls who live here come in, don't be a pervert to them, okay?" "Okay," Keitaro replied. As Naru left, he stopped in shock. "OTHER girls?" * * * Haitanite stepped into a local bar - "The Mischievious Kitsune" - and sat down. "Oh, man, my boss is going to _kill_ me," he muttered. The bartender grunted in sympathy and passed him a Yebisu. "She wants energy, pep, power, and I can't get it..." He chugged the beer, tasting it all the way down. "And to make it worse..." He looked around the bar, which, while being midday, wasn't empty. There was a brown-haired girl in the back, boozing it up, and next to her was a purple-haired beauty with - Haitanite boggled at the sight - a rack that rivalled - no, surpassed - Queen Kanako's! His mind raced at the speed of plaid, and he immediately got up and went over to them... * * * A few hours later, back at Hinata-sou... Keitaro swept. He didn't sweep, though - he _swept_. But before the scene could change to that of _Sancho_, Haitanite stumbled in, the brown-haired girl and purple-haired woman on his arms. "Gwee hee hee... these two've got tonsh of drunken energy to feed the Queen..." He hiccuped. "And you've got a rack to matsch, Mi... Mis... babe." Keitaro stared in shock, both at Misato and then at the brunette. "Haitani, what the _HELL_ are you doing?" "I'm getting shome..." Haitanite hiccupped again, this time sending Misato and the brunette into a fit of giggles. "Energy..." "Energy!" Keitaro's face exploded into shock. "That's what... he's one of... oh, no, I can't kill another one of my friends!" "Thanksh for the energy, tootsh!" Haitanite giggled out as Misato collapsed to the ground, unconscious. "Too bad the Queen'sh promished me a look at her goodsh when i get back... I'd like a look at yoursh a lot more..." Keitaro dashed out of the room, and when he turned the corner... "Todai Ronin Power, Make UP!" And with another mind-boggling flash of ILM special effects (which we couldn't pay for, so they repossessed my car), Keitaro turned into Sailor Senpai. He dashed back to where Haitanite was about to open up Misato's shirt... "Stop!" Haitanite turned... "I'm Sailor Senpai, and you've violated more than just the laws of good taste by drinking before noon and working for the Enemy! In the name of Todai... I'll punish you!" Haitanite flanged at the sight. "You're... the most beautiful shight... I've ever sheen in my life..." Senpai sweatdropped. "WHAT?" "Come here, babe, and punish me!" With that, the (exceedingly) drunk-off-his-ass Haitanite began to chase after Sailor Senpai, who dodged out of his way every time and then ran towards the hot springs. * * * Meanwhile... Elliot Ness and his Untouchables weren't speeding towards Capone's hideout, because they'd been dead for about 60 years or so. But Sailors Mecha and Shefu were watching, and they were thinking. "Should we go help Senpai?" "No, this is too funny. Besides... ooh, turtle!" And with that, Tama, who'd been watching the pair of senshi, flew off with Sailor Mecha in hot pursuit. "Turtle SOUP!" "Kyaa, Mecha, leave it alone!" * * * About ten minutes later, Haitanite was still chasing Senpai around the grounds of Hinata-Sou. We're still in a stalemate here, so let's move to something else, shall we? Oh, wait a minute. Haitanite stumbled and tripped forwards, catching Sailor Senpai by his leg, and bringing him to the ground. Senpai tried to kick loose, but Haitanite... well, let's just say that he was trying to get a good look at Keitaro's goods. Elsewhere, Tama flew into the living room, and landed smack on the lap of the brunette, who was still conscious - despite the incredible amount of sake she'd had. "You... hey, I know you!" Tama muttered to herself. "Hey, the turtle'sh talking!" Kitsune giggled and batted at the air. "That shake wash shome shtrong shtuff..." "Great. Just great. The second senshi I wake up's typecast," Tama groaned, and did her backflip to pull a henshin pen out of Turtlespace. Kitsune grabbed the pen. "Ooh, kinky. I didn't think that the turtle wash into shex toysh." Tama sweatdropped. Amidst the screams from outside, she managed to belt out to Kitsune that she could transform into a Sailor Senshi. Kitsune, meanwhile, grinned and made a snide comment about how the schoolgirl fuku could seduce wealthy old men, and Tama smacked her upside the head and told her to get out there and help Sailor Senpai. "Sexy Sake Power, Make UP!" And with that, Mitsune Konno (a.k.a. Kitsune) transformed into Sailor Sake. * * * The reader facefaulted. Feel free to do so now. * * * Meanwhile, Haitanite had finally managed to pull down Senpai's skirt, and he then placed his hand over... Haitanite blinked. "That shouldn't be there." He tried again. "Okay, that's just weird." "Do you _MIND_?" Senpai shrieked. Haitanite let go immediately. "Geez, what the hell are you, a Sailor Starlight?" "No! I'm Sailor Senp..." "Stunning Sexy FLASH!" With that, Haitanite immediately fixed his gaze on Sailor Sake, whose... erm... assets... were bared for Haitanite to see. Senpai started to nosebleed, but just then a breeze of sakura blossoms blew through, and a piano version of "Sakura Saku" started playing in the background. Haitanite looked around for the cause, and Sailor Sake quickly pulled her top back down. "You can't forget a promise just because a lifetime has gone by. You must remember it, and draw strength from it, in order to triumph over adversity." Tuxedo Ronin leapt down from the roof of Hinata-Sou, but lost her balance halfway down... Haitanite caught her with one hand on her shoulders, which was fine by her... but the other hand was under her rear, which was _not_ okay in her mind. "You... baka..." Senpai and Sake stepped back and started praying. "KONO ECCHI!" Ronin charged up her attack and let fly. "Ronin PUUUUUUUUUNCH!" When she let fly with her attack, Haitanite flew as well, and the end result was twice as painful as what Shiraite felt. He went through his requisite LEO, and when he landed, Sailor Senpai was ready. "Todai... Exam... SURGE!" The thousands of exams flew forth, shredding Haitanite's skin, bones, and various internal organs, and thus turning him into a puddle of Shironin soup amidst his final cry of "HOOTERS!" Sailor Sake made her discreet exit, and Tuxedo Ronin turned to Sailor Senpai. "You're the promised one to her, you know. You can't let the promise be broken." "What?" Senpai's face was one of puzzlement. Ronin sighed. "Don't you understand? You and I are supposed to find the Promised Ones, join them together, and complete the Yakusoku. When the Yakusoku is finished there will be an eternity of love for those two, and their love will influence the world around them for the better." Sailor Senpai shrugged. "And who are the Promised Ones?" "I don't know. I was hoping you did." Senpai facefaulted. And with that, Tuxedo Ronin gently kissed Sailor Senpai on his cheek, then leapt into the air and disappeared. Keitaro detransformed and walked into the house, gently touching his hand to the spot where Tuxedo Ronin had kissed him... and walked right into Sailor Sake... while she was detransforming. He fell back, and stared in astonishment. "You're Sailor Sake?" Kitsune grinned unconfortably. "Eh, fu fu fu... yeah, that's me. I'm Konno Mitsune, but you can call me..." "Kitsune!" Naru ran down the stairwell and into the room. "Keitaro, this is Kitsune. She's another tenant here." "And another Sailor Senshi," Keitaro thought to himself. "Yakusoku..." he muttered. "Hmm? You say something, kanrinrin?" Kitsune said, still somewhat drunkenly. "No, nothing," Keitaro replied through a haze of thought, missing the frown on Naru's face. * * * And back in the Dark Storage Shed... erm, Dark Kingdom... To say that Queen Kanako was furious was an understatement. She was _righteously pissed_. Only one person's energy wouldn't power her machinations of evil, and she'd yet to find out who that Tuxedo Ronin was. But her next plan... "Saraite, come forth!" And Saraite, a little blond girl about ten years old, did step forth. Kanako glowered at her. "You're going to replace Shiraite and Haitanite. They failed, and they were useless. You'd better not fail me, or you'll end up like them!" "Very well, my queen," Saraite said, dropping to one knee. "Anything to ensure the fall of Keitaro Urashima!" "NO!" Kanako bellowed. "Leave onii-san out of this! If you hurt him..." Saraite pouted cutely. "Aww, but he's such a spaz..." "Don't hurt him, whatever you do. However, feel free to kill Tuxedo Ronin. And while you're at it... find out who Sailor Senpai is. I have the oddest feeling he's someone I know... and there's just something about him that makes me feel so warm, so safe, so loved..." Saraite nodded, then dropped her giant mask over her head and faded to nothingness in a manner much like Chichiri, but different enough to avoid a lawsuit from Watase Yu. * * * * * * * * * * Next time, on OVSDHH:ACTSNB... -Saraite invades Hinata-sou! -Liddite returns from his exile in America! -Kanako broods even more! -More pointless Kitsune fanservice attacks! -And of course, more Keitaro in a sailor fuku! * * * * * * * * * * AUTHOR'S NOTES Damn, I thought that this was gonna be a one-shot, but apparently, I was wrong. Besides, it's just too fun to write Keitaro in a seifuku, and besides, I've not explored half the ideas I have for this series yet. Secondly, if anyone still wants to take this and run with it, go for it. I'm going to continue this, and then who knows what? And I know you all might think this is a bit rushed, but hey, is it good? I don't know myself, seeing as how I've not gotten sleep in the past 48 hours, so... And wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, I'm actually ahead of schedule! I promised that you'd have this by next Friday night, and I put it out a week ahead of schedule! Hot diggity damn! Ja ne, Tuxedo Jack March 7th, 2003